I haven’t felt at ease since the humans were allowed into our town like it was some sort of vacation resort. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I really do like the humans here. I’ve met some of the sweetest people around, and they aren’t even ponies. But I’ve also met some of the worst people as well. People who think they can come around here and take whatever they want, just because they see some citizens who remind them of “pets” they had back home.
You gotta think about that, really. A lot of these people who talk to me from the human world…I don’t know what it is about me, but they always seem to proposition me the most. I’ve asked my friends here in the bar what the humans say to them, and they rarely deal with anyone trying to solicit their time. Do I look like the kind of pony who would be into those simians?
Look, I see that expression you’re giving me. Let me clear this up right now: okay, yes, I have spent some time with some humans. But it’s never more than cuddling. If they ever want any more than that, I kick them out of my house and they’re on their way. I don’t have to be afraid of them. Have you ever seen what pony hooves can do to human bones? These humans are like fleshy bopping toys. They’re nowhere near as resilient as us ponies. I’ve fallen off my house several times and never once broken a bone. I’ve seen a drunk human trip and fall and break their arm. And they were younger than me! Imagine that.
I will say that I have met a really sweet human. His name was Colby. Yes, like the human cheese product. We joked about that quite a bit. Anyways, Colby came here during some leave he had from the military. He heard about the human exchange program where one pony from here goes over to the human world for a while and one human comes over here for the same duration of time. That week, we missed Pinkie Pie when she went over to San Francisco, but at least she came back with tons of video and pictures. Colby, though…he spent most of his time talking to me. And he was different than all the rest. I think it was the discipline the military instilled in him. We talked about his time in Iraq, which I still am not sure where that is. His basic training was harsh. I thought the Wonderbolt Elites had it bad.
Unlike the others, he didn’t try to get me drunk by buying me drinks all the time. Not that he could, of course. No one can hold their cider like I can. But it was as though he was actively avoiding drinks himself. We talked about his family. He has two younger brothers. One was thinking about joining the military and he was actively trying to discourage them. I wondered why a proud military man would stop one of his own family from joining. He didn’t want to give me a reason and when I pressed to ask him what had happened in Iraq, he refused to talk about it.
You’re from the human world, right? How do human wars work? I mean, he talked about the weapons they used. Automatic rifles…attack drones…explosives…just how violent is your world? I know things are different all over. The griffon kingdom has a lot of warriors who specialize in vicious aerial combat. Even the Wonderbolts can’t compete with them. I sometimes wonder why the Wonderbolts don’t match their strength with some sort of advanced armor or weapons they carry into battle. Princess Celestia seems to be about peace. Now that I know how humans do it, I respect that a lot more.
I think….I think the thing that endeared me to Colby was the fact that he was worried about me. “You shouldn’t drink so much,” he’d say. “It’s not good for your liver. You’ll gain weight.” That kind of thing. I drank less that night because…guess I wanted to impress him. We did go to my place afterwards. He’s one of the few I invited over, instead of the other way around. I’ll be honest…I did try to kiss him, but he refused. Said I was too inebriated to be making rational decisions. Well, it was rational! I wanted to see what it was like to share a special moment with a sweetheart. You humans don’t seem to have a lot of those. People like Colby…they’re so rare here. We have nothing but wealthy, emotionally detached people coming through this bar. And maybe I’m just unlucky, but at least with Colby, I felt special…
Hey, if you see him, could you tell him that I’d love to talk to him again? He left me his email, but digital messages don’t travel past the Great Divide. I really do miss him. Tell him he’s always welcome here and that if he ever needs a place to stay, I’ll be glad to give it to him. I mean the room. Jeez, don’t look at me like that. And how can you tell I’m blushing? My coat color is berry! You can’t see my cheeks!
Author's Note
Extra Story Details
Writing Time: (For First 3 Chapters) Approx 1 hour 30min
Draft Number: 1 Draft
Story Settings: Pony Bar, Ponyville Medical Hospital, Twilight's Library
Story Themes: Human/Pony Culture Clash, Taking Advantage of a Good Thing, The Most Opportunistic of Humanity, The Few Who Care, Who Are the Ponies Talking To?
Note: This is an "A" Story, meaning I wrote it first during a marathon of story-writing one day. "A" stories are designated by having a slow setup, but a more definitive end to the writing session.
Story Background:
I wrote this story because I love the idea of humans getting a chance to visit the pony world and ask the ponies what they think of them. This series of short interviews can get rather "real" at times, but I didn't want to hold back on the comparison between the two cultures.
I've always had a soft spot for Berry Punch. I want to explore her character more. I feel like the fanon concept of her drinking has a lot of potential for deep emotional exploration to consider the reasons why she might be drinking in the first place.
Nurse Redheart - Medicine
Oh hello! I haven’t seen you around before. It’s good to see another human in Ponyville. I’m the local nurse. We have a fine medical establishment, as you can see here. Our ponies tend to get themselves into a bit of trouble more often than not. They can get a little too adventurous sometimes, but overall they’re pretty good about not sustaining any life-threatening injuries. Except the Cutie Mark Crusaders. I don’t think I’ve ever seen any foals who are as accident-prone as though three. Did you know they once set fire to the lake?
But enough about ponies with potentially-short life spans. You’re standing in Ponyville Medical. It’s the one place that citizens of Ponyville have whenever they need rehabilitation from burns caused by dragon attacks, bruises and broken bones caused by manticores, petrification from cockatrices, and magic burns of all shapes, sizes and potency! Why are you looking at me like that? What do you mean you don’t have dragons, manticores and cockatrices? I’ve read many human books. What is that whole bit about Saint George and the Dragon? You mean that was an alligator? That’s…really incredibly scary! Alligators can appear as DRAGONS? Sheesh! No wonder your world is so dangerous! You have shapeshifting creatures to worry about.
You keep asking me how we can have technological advancements in medicine and magic at the same time. It’s very simple how the two intermingle with one another. But I’ve figured out why humans have such trouble with this. You see, what we call “magic” and what you call “magic” are two entirely different things. You have the scientific method, which helps you replicate results in order that you can make measurable studies of various phenomena. We can do that too with our type of magic here. All of it is replicable. In fact, I’d give you some books on it if it weren’t for that kingdom-wide ban on books being copied or shipped out to the human world. And I wouldn’t try taking them if I were you. Any books that attempt to pass the Great Divide are automatically teleported back to Celestia’s library…with your fingerprints on them. She has a whole list of people who are no longer allowed back into Equestria. Yo don’t want to be one of them, trust me. Her jurisdiction extends a little further out than the borders of Equestria.
I wanted to ask you something about your own kingdom, though. I haven’t met any doctors yet, but maybe you can answer this for me. What is the deal with your medical industry? You treat it like a business, but health can’t be a product for people. Many of your countries don’t have basic healthcare. I’ve never seen so many videos and images of homeless and sick citizens from any race here in Equestria like I do with your human population. And sometimes your doctors refuse to treat the sick and the dying because they don’t have health insurance? Is that true? What kind of monstrous system do you run over there?
Sometimes, when small groups of humans are sponsored to visit Equestria by your corporations, one of the first things they do is ask us to heal them with magic or medicine from our world. But we’ve learned that the effects of magic don’t last on humans once they go back to Earth. It’s like your world is devoid of that quality that Equestria has. We try to use exclusively non-magical medicinal techniques too, but the pathogens in your body don’t respond to our medicine. The one benefit from that is that humans and ponies cannot seem to contract diseases from one another. At least, not yet. It’s not unheard of for certain illnesses to pass from dragon to griffon or griffon to pony, and I’ve heard that various diseases from your land have jumped species too. It’s only a matter of time before they do the same here.
If you want to know more about magic, I can think of at least one pony who’d be able to help you…
Twilight Sparkle - Religion and Magic
Before we start any sort of talk, I need to ask you: Are you a missionary, a megachurch leader or a politician here to talk to me about religion? Because if you are, I respectfully ask that you turn around and leave. And if you want to know why, then listen up.
For the past few months, ever since one of your Texas megachurches rallied their congregation against the “evils of Equestrian heathenism,” we have been dealing with an influx of religious people trying to convert our citizens to your belief systems. Besides the fact that this is EXTREMELY rude, several of these humans have taking to “laying their hands” on ponies and screaming at them while speaking in utter gibberish. I don’t know what kind of mental health practices you have over there, but over here, when we start touching others without their consent, yelling in their faces and speaking nonsense words, we call that crazy.
I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why you have so many people that think all of the ponies are evil because we use “magic.” I did some research on this and found out that some of the same people who believe that, also believe that medical vaccines for your children are evil too. And medicine. And technological advancements. And science of any kind. Basically, your human kingdoms have a serious problem of ignorance over there and now it’s trying to spread over here. We’re aren’t having it. And before you scream “civil rights violation,” remember that your rights don’t exist over here. Our royal leadership has given you the privilege of visiting, which is a privilege which can revoked at any time.
Not a single one of your number who have tried to actively convert us has taken any time to ask what our magic or belief systems are all about. You scream at us and tell us that Celestia and Luna are not gods. You’re right. They’re goddesses. And they care very much about us and have been ruling over us for over a thousand years. If you talked to them, if you got to know them, you’d see that they are some of the sweetest ponies around.
Okay, so Luna did once try to send the world into an eternal darkness. She got better, all right? Who doesn’t have bad days?
All I’m saying is that if you just listened to us, you’d see that we have a wonderful society with a lot to teach you about love, kindness and respect. But I can’t teach you anything if you’re constantly treating me like I’M the ignorant one. At least I know that I don’t know. What about humans?
We’ve been standing in my personal library this entire time. Books upon books of Equestrian lore are here, ready for you to read them. We have histories of magical study, tales about conflict between ponies who put their differences aside for a greater good and entire floor-to-ceiling sections about the values of friendship and learning to care about one another. We’ve so much to teach each other.
So now that you know what we’ve been dealing with, and I can see that you’re willing to stay, and listen, can we start over? I want to get to know you. The real side of humanity. The side we never get to hear about because every time I view your news recordings all I hear about are the bad things and the impending social disasters. Tell me what is beautiful about your world. I have a whole blank section of the library ready to fill up with what makes you wonderful. Give me a reason to put something there. I want to.
