If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchin!
The Royal Seal of Approval for Culinary Excellence?
By ChAoS pOnY
If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchin!
Lunch for Luna
After saying good bye to Saffron Masala and Coriander Cumin and telling Rarity she would see her tommorow in Ponyville, Pinkie Pie happily bounced towards the Palace with a large brown paper bag full of goodie goodness on her head. That meany pants, Zesty Gourmand was not going to ruin another restaurant's reputation or a delectable treat if Pinkamena Diane Pie could help it. Luckily Chef Hot Head had had the night off and told her Princess Luna always took a break in night court for lunch at midnight and Princess Celestia sometimes joined her for a midnight snack. So she came up with a plan to stop Zesty, take Princess Luna take out for lunch and get the Tasty Treat a Royal Seal of Approval for Culinary Excellence like Pony Joe had for his doughnut shop.
Sure Chef Hot Head yelled a lot, but he knew the Cakes and told her stories about Chef Gar-Run-Ti who had had a cutie mark of a crawfish wearing a bib and stirring a pot of okra gumbo. He had also introduced her to Yan-Can-Cook who had cutie mark of a golden wok filled with stir fry in it. He had told her, "If Yan-Can-Cook then so can you" when she was all sad because her cake made with rice flour had come out all gummy and yucky. Then he showed her his trick for it by using tapioca as a starch and a little bit of almond flour to give it a nutty taste that took it from gummy to yummy for Truffle Shuffle's birthday party/cutesinara since he wasn't allowed to have any wheat flour because of something called 'glutton' or 'glue-a-ton' or was it 'glo-stick'. Then there was the epic cooking battle between him and Emerald LaGrassy, who had introduced her to hot sause and had won when he 'spiced it up a bit' and then yelled "BAM!!!" when he threw in a hoof full of spices with his magic. Hopefully he was there, because she didn't like the other Royal Chefs all that much with their 'Don't touch that', 'This is the Palace, a carnival is where common food belongs' and 'Get out and come back when you can actually cook'.
Hopping along, she soon came to the gates and called out to the Night Guards "Hi Knight Steel, did you get the cupcake with the ring baked in it like you asked?"
"Yep and Moon Ribbon said yes." Knight Steel answered.
"Hi Smoke Bomb, is your wife doing better?"
"Yes Miss Pie, your sister, Maud, was right about the hot stone massage helped with her muscle stiffness and poor circulation." Sargent Smoke Bomb said before asking, "So what can we do for you?"
"Well Me and Rarity had to help a father and daughter out with their restaurant and I heard Princess Luna takes her lunch at midnight so I brought her some take out. I got curry oat cake, grass sandwiches marinated over night in a mustard dijon dressing, and spicy flat noddle soup in a thermos for her." Pinkie said with a smile.
As Pinkie chatted with the Guards none of them noticed one of the Royal Kitchen's Staff who over heard her and quickly left to go warn Chef Tough Cookie that someone was bringing the Princesses Take-Out!!! If there was one thing that could not be aloud, it was more common food to pollute the perfect palettes of the Princesses with populist putrid party food.
The Spoon of Fate
As Pinkie Pie skipped down the hall to deliever the delectable delights on her head she realized she forgotten something. She had forgotten the spoons for the soup back at the Tasty Treat. Oh well, a quick trip to the kitchen and she'd be on her way... Hmm, why was her tongue tingling like the time she licked the smoke alarm battery in Twilight's castle. Oh well, she'll figure it out later. Maybe when she figured out what the Guards she past meant when they wished her good luck and that their Bits where on her.
She soon came to the Royal Kitchen door, but it was blocked by several ponies from the Royal Kitchin Staff with the Sous Chef in front. "You've gone far enough, we will not allow you to give the Princesses mere take-out." He yelled as he pointed a wooden spoon at her.
"How did you know I needed a spoon?" Pinkie said as they glared at her. "Aww, but I need one of the soup spoons."
"Well all your going to get is thrown out after we toss that pig swill in the trash." The Sous Chef announced.
"Oh yeah, well I Pinkie Promise to deliever this food to Princess Luna!" Pinkie pie yelled back as a clap of thunder was heard. At this point several of the Royal Kitchen Staff gulped because they knew what a Pinkie Promise meant.
"Get her!" The Sous Chef yelled as several Royal Kitchen Staff members leaped at her. Only she dodged and leaped over every one of them, landing in front of the Sous Chef and yanking his hat downover his head and grabbing his wooden spoon with her teeth. Spinning she blocked a hoof headed for the take-out on her head and smacked it's owner in the nose with the spoon. Then she rose up on her hind legs and motioned with her hoof to the rest to 'bring it'.
Inside the Royal Kitchen Chef Tough Cookie was just finishing carving a carrot into flower. This would be her finest salad she ever prepared for Princess Luna. She wondered if the Sous Chef had any problems with that little pest of a baker. She was just starting to carve the last part of her flower when the doors slammed open and the Sous Chef flew through the air and crashed into her salad, destroying it, as she cut to deep and the flower fell apart. She had spent hours carving the vegitables to make the salad look like a flower bouquet. Every piece was her finest work ever and it was now destroyed beyond all saving. Then she heard that voice she had come to hate yell out, "I'm here to kick flank and find a soup spoon! And I'm all out of soup spoons."
Slowly turning she saw that evil baking pony on a serving cart with cannon of some kind, on top of several Royal Kitchen Staff members, who were all groaning. From somewhere in the back of the kitchen a voice whimpered, "The Party Pony of Ponyville, Celestia save us all!"
"I worked on that salad for hours. Every vegitable was carved into a beautiful flower! And YOU! AND YOU DESTROYED IT FOR A SPOON!" Tough Cookie screamed as she threw her cutting board at Pinkie Pie.
Pinkie Pie batted the cutting board out of the air with a hoof and glared at Chef Tough Cookie. "I brought Princess Luna some of the best take-out ever and you sent them to throw it away. I made a Pinkie Promise to deliever it to her and no body breaks a Pinkie Promise!" Pinkie Pie yelled. As they argued back and forth a few of the smarter Royal Kitchen Staff started to leave via the back enterance to take an unscheduled break.
"Get her!" Chef Tough Cookie screamed as several Staff Members rushed Pinkie Pie, only to be blasted backwards by her Party Cannon.
With quick flick of her head Pinkie Pie sent the take-out into the air and reached into her mane and pulled out a bright pink and white luchador mask and put it on before catching the take-out on her head. Leaping from the cart she yelled, "El Tornado Rosa entra en el ring!"
"Shouldn't we should try to stop them?" a rookie night guard asked as a very large Royal Dish Washing Pony sailed through the door past them.
"Trust me kid, this is actually tame compared to what the Element of Honesty did to them during the wedding." the veteran night guard said as three skinny Royal short order cooks were tossed out the door and onto the Royal Dish Washer.
"But we're suppose to protect the Palace." the rookie tried to point out as a Royal Pastery Chef tried to crawl out the door, only to be dragged back in by her tail screaming she didn't have any soup spoons.
"And there is the crux of it. You see the Royal Kitchen is..." the veteran said as he duck a toaster flying through a wall. "...offically separate from the rest of the palace. They insisted that..." he ducked again as a blender followed the toaster. "...that having Royal Guards barging in because of a fight between the Four head Royal Chefs was getting annoying. I personally think..." He grabbed the rookie and pulled him aside as a refrigerator smashed through the wall followed by Pinkie Pie yelling 'Sorry' after it. "either the princesses either can't decide who to name as head Royal Chef or use this kind of mayhem as an excuss to order take-out for a week while the Royal Kitchen under goes 'Much needed renovations and modernization'."
"So why are we here then if the Royal Kitchen isn't our problem?" the rookie asked as several Royal Bakers made a break for it, carrying a knocked out Chef Tough Cookie with them.
"We just stay here to contain it to this..." they both watched as the Royal Kitchen Sink flew through the hole the refrigerator made and knocked over the fleeing Royal Bakers like bowling pins and landing on Chef Tough Cookie's head. "...hallway, make sure no innocent bystanders (with the exception of Prince Blueblood) get hurt, and rescue anyone needing rescueing afterwards and help put out any fires started during the fight."
"So we stand here and make sure a small on going war doesn't spread to the rest of the Palace?" the rookie asked still in shock at the carnage he had just witness.
"Yepperonie! and I got the soup spoon I came for!" Pinkie Pie said happily as she hopped past them, unaware of the small fire on the tip of her tail.
We have A Royal Seal of Approval for Culinary Excellence?
Luna's night had been very boring. Night Court had consisted of vetoing a study on the mating habits of Bat Ponies for the third time, a request to readjust the north star by 5 degrees that she took care of easily, one charge of voyeurism involving the same pony requesting to do a study of the mating habits of Bat Ponies, and a nightmare involving an official form for damages, paper clips, white bunny rabits with foul tempers, Discord, ink wells, Princess Twilight Sparkle reorganizing files, Applejack stampeding said bunny rabits, permits for Rainbow Dash to demolish a barn, renewing Fluttershy's pet groomer and animal caretaker licence, a pizza monster, and a bucket of tree sap the mayor of ponyville had. She made a note to ask Celestia about giving Mayor Mare a paid vacation.
At one point she thought something exciting would happen when she heard the Guards whisper something about a 'Code: El Tornado Rosa' but what ever it was seemed to have died down now. Then a minute ago she saw several of the Guards exchanging bits and was about to ask about it when the door opened and Pinkie Pie bounced into the throne room and up to the dias with a brown paper bag and a soup spoon. Either this was the oddest assasination attempt she had ever seen or something good. She decided to go with something good because so far the only assasination attempts she had seen were aimed at Blueblood and usually from any mare that dated him with the rare father/brother/cousin thrown in for variety.
"Hiya Princess Luna, I brought you lunch from the Tasty Treat so you can try it and give them a Royal Seal of Approval for Culinary Excellence." Pinkie Pie said with a big grin as she balanced the spoon on her nose.
"We have a Royal Seal of Approval for Culinary Excellence?" Luna asked as she eyed the brown bag while her stomach growled.
"Royal Charter, chapter 8, paragraph 3, subsection C, between children playing kazoos and cumulative destruction in the defence of the realm." Princess Celestia said as she entered the throne room. "Oh, and Pinkie no smoking in the throne room." She added as she pointed a hoof at Pinkie Pie's tail, resulting in Pinkie running around the throne room screaming as several Guards chased her with fire extinguishers.
Luna had caught the spoon before it hit the floor with her magic and waited until Pinkie ran past again to float her lunch off her head. "So a Royal Seal of Approval for Cumulative Destruction in the Defence of the Realm?" She asked as she split the grass sandwiches marinated over night in a mustard dijon dressing with her sister.
"Year 537 was a very odd year." Celestia said as she took a bite and nodded. "This is good. Anyways some foal decided to create a golem out of farm tool and blacksmith tools. It took 4 weeks to track it down and another week for a Guard to wear down one of it's legs enough to topple the thing. I mostly invented it because of how stubborn he was, but didn't want to insult him. then last year I had to reward it again to Discord and Flash Sentry after they defeated that magic proof pizza monster in Ponyville."
"So that's where the pizza monster came from in Mayor Mare's nightmare. We really need to send her on a nice paid vacation with everything she deals with." Luna said after she finished her half of the sandwich. "And the Children Playing Kazoos?"
"Year 871 was when they were invented and I toyed with the ideal of banning them, but then a group of children armed with Kazoos managed to defeat an escapee from Tartarus. Turns out the sound was extremly painful for him and I didn't want to waste a potential weapon so I invented it on the spot and invested our money in a ear plug factory." Celestia told her as they shared the spicy flat noddle soup after she pulled a soup spoon out from under the throne. "You never know when one of our subjects will bring us food, so I keep a box of silver ware under the throne."
"Mmm this is most excelent, but don't the Royal Chefs complain?" Luna ask between spoon full of soup.
"Chef Hot Head Fussed until I pointed out some times it was excellent, but other times I wondered if some of my subjects even had any taste buds left or just needed a good cook book writen by a professional. two months later he published his first best selling cook book. Chef Yan-Can-Cook was fine with it and is pretty easy going, so no problem there. Chef Gar-Run-Ti was retiring and was the one to give me the box of silverware. Chef Emerald LaGrassy saw it as a challenge and goes out of his way to one up any thing our subjects bring us, so his cooking has only gotten better." Celestia told her as the Guards finally caught Pinkie Pie and put out her tail, while Luna split the curry oat cake in half for them. "Only Chef Tough Cookie caused problems and I put her on the night shift with all the other Royal Kitchen Staff trouble makers a month before your return. I figured she couldn't cause to much trouble there, but she traded out with Chef Yan-Can-Cook during the wedding since he didn't want to deal with the fake Cadence after one meeting. It turns out Chineighs Ponies and Changelings instictually hate each other on site, even if the Changeling is in disguise. which lead to her spending a month in the hospital after getting in a fight with Applejack. And now she is in the hospital again over a soup spoon." Celestia explained between bites before floating a form out of a file behind the throne. "The Tasty Treat was it?" she asked Pinkie Pie as she sat back down at the foot of the Dias.
"Yepper Peppers!" Pinkie said as she watched Celestia fill out the form and sign it before giving it to Luna to sign.
"Well tell them we might be stopping in this week since the Royal Kitchen will be closed for renovations and modernization." Princess Celestia said as she floated the Royal Seal of Approval for Culinary Excellence over to Pinkie Pie. "Also tell El Tornado Rosa that Prince Blueblood would love a free wrestling lesson next week." she added with a wink before all of the Guards in the throne room broke out in laughter, imagining Blueblood having to deal with Pinkie Pie as a Luchador.
The End
Author's Note
Just an ideal that got stuck in my head and I decided to see where it went.
The mask Pinkie Pie wore as El Tornado Rosa:
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