Twilight’s Sundays consisted of reorganizing her library, reading books, and rechecking her already checked checklists. These were the days. She could sit down, have a cup of ginger tea, and enjoy what made her happy.
“Twilight,” called Spike from downstairs. It only took a little energy for Twilight to glance over the railing to the bottom floor of the Golden Oak library. Spike looked back up at her with a pink envelope in his hands. “Letter came in for you.”
“From Celestia?” she said, closing her book. “I just sent her a friendship report. Could I have done something wrong?”
“Doubt it,” said Spike, still extending the letter to her. “I didn't cough it up.” Twilight rose from her seat, slowly coming down the winding stairs to the bottom floor. Twilight walked up to Spike and took the silky smooth paper from his hands.
“Hm. I wonder what this could be.” She poked her finger under the opening and ran it all throughout. She opened the envelope and glanced inside.
“RASENGAN!”
Twilight felt her body getting thrown up into the air, back up the steps and crash into a table that she was reading on. After sitting there for a few seconds, the pain kicked in and Twilight groaned. Her entire body ached as she tried to pull herself back up, all while listening to the constant chuckles by Pinkie Pie.
“Believe it!” she yelled, sticking her thumb up. Spike looked at her with a wary look in his eyes. She turned her attention to him. “What? Would you have preferred Dattebayo?”
“W-What did you just do, Pinkie?” said Spike, sounding more concerned than surprised. “You could have really hurt her.”
“Oh, relax,” she said with a toothy smile. “This isn’t even my final form.”
“Pinkie, there is a fine line between fun and insanity,” commented Twilight. “You have driven a bullet train going 600 kilometers an hour right over that line towards the insane side.”
“Twilight Sparkle!” yelled Pinkie, pointing her finger in Twilight’s direction. “I, Pinkie Pie, challenge you to an Agni Kai!”
“A what?”
“To determine who will be the true Fire Lord!” she said, with a large laugh. Twilight shook her head.
“Get out, Pinkie,” said Twilight.
“Running away are we—”
“I’m calling the cops.”
“And I’m off!” She took her index and middle fingers and put them up, crossing them over each other in a cross. In a puff of smoke, she was replaced by a large, thick log. Twilight couldn’t help but massage her forehead.
“Really, Pinkie,” said Twilight in exasperation. She sighed heavily. “What’s gotten into you?”
“I’ve been consumed,” she said darkly, suddenly behind Twilight. Twilight jumped as she turned around to face Pinkie. She was now mysteriously dressed in a gray jacket that zipped up to the neck with a bunch of robes and purple rope lined around her waist. Her eyes looked tired. “By my DESPAIR!”
“You… you’re what?”
“Know my rage. You don’t know, Twilight. I have to get stronger.”
“Huh?”
“I have to kill him.”
“What are you—”
“Killing him is the reason FOR MY EXISTENCE!”
“D-don’t kill anybody, please,” said Twilight. Why are you dressed like that? Why are you acting so weird? I have so many questions!”
“‘My name is Sasuke Uchiha. I hate a lot of things, and I don't particularly like anything. What I have is not a dream, because I will make it a reality. I'm going to restore my clan, and kill a certain someone.’”
“Twilight, she’s obviously to listening to anything you say.” Spike slowly walked upstairs. “Maybe it’s our place to leave her alone. She might open her eyes later and—”
“‘I have long since closed my eyes... My only goal is in the darkness.’”
“See?” asked Spike. She complied as Spike slowly guided her downstairs, not daring for a second to take their eyes off of the prospective murder. After they made their way outside, They could finally breathe easy.
“Something may have gotten to her, Spike,” said Twilight in concern. “Maybe’s she’s under the effect of poison joke.”
“Last time she was under the effects, she couldn’t speak, so I don’t think that’s it,” said Spike.
“Maybe she’s sick?” suggested Twilight. “Oh, I have a book on all the sicknesses in all of Equestria inside the libr—”
“MY DESPAIIIIIIR!”
“I don’t think you’re gonna get to it right now,” said Spike.
“Okay, let’s see.” Twilight pondered on exactly what to do. The Princesses were probably far too busy to help her now, and if she were to solve this herself, it would be a great, albeit weird friendship report. “Okay Spike, let’s do a little asking around.”
Pinkie stood tall atop a rocky hill in a large field of similar hills. She felt the lucid breeze tickle her arms as it breezed past her bare arms. She was dressed in an orange vest with a blue weighted tank-top underneath. Her pants were a similar orange and were tied with a blue belt. She had her eyes closed as if she was cosmically reading the thoughts of the universe itself.
Her stomach growled.
“Or, you know, I was just picturing a cupcake,” said Pinkie, with a smile. “What am I doing? I should be on the lookout for Twilight-chan. Her and Spike-san’s capsule should have fallen already.” Pinkie jumped up into the air and, with a burst of energy, started flying at full speed across the rocky landscape.
After a few hours of tirelessly flying around in circles, she finally came across what she was looking for. A city, it was being terrorized by the Neighans, a race of warriors who were supposedly the strongest in the universe! It was up to Pinkie, another Neighan, to stop them!
If you don’t get it, don’t worry. It’ll only get more convoluted.
“You fiends!” said Pinkie, landing only a few feet away from their reigning terror. She pointed her finger at them, with a fiery passion burning in her eyes. “I will defeat you!”
“Huh?” asked Derpy, who seemed to be the one Pinkie was pointing at. She stood in a crowded market with a bit in her hand. The merchant also looked towards the mare in confusion. “Pinkie Pie? What’re you doing here?”
“I should be asking you that same question, Derpy-chan,” said Pinkie, standing tall. “ Why would you betray Earth… betray me like this?”
“Huh?” Derpy asked again.
“That!” she moved her finger to the thing Derpy was paying for. A small muffin was in the hands of the merchant. “Not only did you not buy muffins from me, but you choose muffins over cupcakes!”
“Oooh,” said Derpy. “W-well, the trip to Sucarcube Corner is pretty far, and I was hungry now, so…”
“It’s only a few seconds from here!” said Pinkie, glowing with energy.
“But we’re in Cloudsdale—”
Pinkie flew up into the air, ignoring all questions from Derpy. She looked down on the entire city of Cloudsdale where Derpy was still in about the same place. She placed her wrists together and aimed them at Derpy.
“Kaaaaaaa, meeeeeeee…” She put her hands at her hip. A blue ball of light formed in the Pinkie’s hands, making the skies become dark with clouds for some reason. “Haaaaaaaaa, meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
“What’s going on up there?” asked the merchant. Derpy shrugged.
“Not… enough power…” said Pinkie. She realized how worthless everything was if she wasn’t strong enough. She realized that nothing she could do would ever make a difference if she couldn’t summon the strength to beat the evil before her!
“Hey, Pinkie Pie,” said an ethereal voice. Right before Pinkie was her sister, Limestone. She looked just as upset as ever. “I’m gonna have to ask you to cease doing whatever it is you’re doing here.”
“Nee-sama!” said Pinkie. Suddenly, she felt invigorated, like everything in the world was in her grasp. “I… I can do it!”
“Seriously, the windstorm a few days ago blew Cloudsdale right over the rock farm, and if you shoot that blast, it’ll—”
“HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” the blue blast of energy increased tenfold, not only hitting (and possibly murdering) Derpy but the entirety of Cloudsdale, continuing until it shook the Earth. After the blast died down, Pinkie breathed in and out, the toll too great on her body.
“Hit… Holder’s Boulder… damn it.”
“I’ve vanquished a great evil today,” said Pinkie. “And it was thanks to you, my sweet Nee-sama. And narrator-dono. He was a big help too.”
I quit.
Okay then, Spike,” said Twilight, looking at a list of accounts. Also, I’m back. I realized I couldn’t void my contract, or else I wouldn't be paid for this gig, so… “Pinkie Pie was seen eating 12 cupcakes this morning—”
“Which is normal,” said Spike, with a shiver. Also, Derpy’s fine. She got her muffin.
“Then she went out to get sugar because she used it all for her sugar bath.”
“I could go for a sugar bath right about now.”
“Nothing on this list is very strange, at least not for her,” said Twilight. “She must have done something nobody else saw her do.”
“I suppose,” said Spike. Suddenly, a blinding light came from everywhere. Both Spike and Twilight had to cover their eyes to avoid it.
“What is this light!?” yelled Twilight. The wind rushing all around stopped her from hearing Spike’s reply. The wind seemed to be pushing her somewhere. She struggled against it but ultimately found it useless. Spike grabbed her sweater and hauled her to the side. Finally, in the shadows behind the house, she could see.
“I think that could be Pinkie!” shouted Spike. “That, or another villain could be attacking—”
“Give me your ENERGY!” shouted Pinkie, surprisingly clear above all the winds. “I need to vanquish an evil that is plaguing this entire continent!”
“What is she talking about?”
“I am talking about Twilight Sparkle!” yelled Pinkie. “She is the evil I must vanquish!”
“What did I do?” Twilight asked. Spike shrugged.
“She killed my family!”
“I really didn’t—”
“I am the Neighan who was raised on Earth! My name is Pinkie Pie!” The flashing got brighter and brighter. So much so that even with her eyes closed, Twilight was blinded. “And now, I will end the evil by destroying their base of operations!”
“She doesn’t mean the library does she?!” yelled Twilight.
“I think she means the library!” answered Spike.
“I DEFFO MEAN THE LIBRARY!” An explosion rang out, causing the earth to shake and several houses to get blown away.
The explosion continued for about five minutes. When it finally died down, crater could be seen in the middle of Ponyville. Twilight slowly arose and assessed the situation. Pinkie stood in the middle, looking up at the sky.
“M-My house…” said Twilight. “Ponyville... How many people!?” Spike slowly began to stir.
“Augh. What was that?” Spike was promptly silenced when he saw Twilight sweltering with red energy. “Uh… Twilight?”
“How many people!?” asked Twilight again. “Answer me!”
“Yes…” said Pinkie, turning to Twilight. “Let that hatred bubble up inside you. Only when you hate me, can you defeat me.”
“I… I…!” Twilight slowly rose into the air, the red aura growing bigger and bigger. Slowly, out of her back, something began to emerge. Suddenly, two full sized wings came out of her back, shocking Spike, but bringing a big grin to Pinkie’s face.
“Yes! Bring out your power!” she opened her arms. “And come to your doom!”
“I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!” bellowed Twilight, using her newfound power to dash towards Pinkie.
I’m just gonna go out and say that everyone’s fine. Don’t worry your heads.
Pinkie, now dressed in a white sailor outfit, lifted her black katana and blocked Twilight’s forwards punch. Twilight twirled around and delivered a kick to the left of Pinkie’s unprotected face. She was sent flying into the open space she’d made for their arena. Twilight used her horn to summon four small crystal satellites. She held her hands up.
“I’ve realized, Pinkie,” said Twilight, walking slowly towards the fallen swordswoman. “Your anime knowledge pales in comparison to mine. I will defeat you, even if it takes my entire life.”
“Fool…” Twilight’s satellites started glowing blue with charged energy. “You don’t know anything.” The blue energy blasted down on Pinkie, creating a cloud of dust. Twilight backed away from her blast and turned her back. “Especially about anime!”
Pinkie brought her sword down on Twilight’s head, in which she missed by a few inches. She shattered one of the satellites and made quick work of the other three. Twilight, now unarmed backed away from the skilled swordsman.
“Not bad,” said Twilight. “If it’s a swordfight you want…” Twilight was suddenly dressed in a white dress, using a rapier. She pointed it at Pinkie, whose hair was now straight, long, and black.
“I will not hold back, Twilight Sparkle,” said Pinkie. “Life Fiber Override: Kamui Junketsu!” Pinkie’s clothes were changed to be very tight around certain areas, and show off excessive skin in others.
“Likewise,” said Twilight. Her sword started glowing a beige color as she rushed towards Pinkie.
Their swords clashed. Pinkie, had the upper hand until Twilight disarmed her. Instead of reaching for another weapon, she feigned a kick from the left to grab a small blade from her ankle and disarm Twilight.
“Checkmate,” said Pinkie.
“I may no longer have a sword…” She teleported,flashing a light in Pinkie’s eyes, causing her to shield her eyes. When she reappeared, she was wearing a red cloak and had a large scythe in her hand. Without giving Pinkie time to react, Twilight moved forward very quickly, rose petals in her wake, and swung the scythe, ripping Pinkie’s weapon from her and tearing up her clothes as well. ”But a scythe will do.” Twilight hit Pinkie with the handle before putting the bottom next to her stomach, aiming at Pinkie. “It’s also a gun.” She fired, sending the swordswoman flying.
“Well done, well done indeed,” said Pinkie, slowly getting up. Although she was partially nude, she still had a wicked look in her eye. “You sure are on fire, but can you take the heat?” Pinkie was able to get to her knee before Twilight came within striking distance.
“I have no time for this,” said Twilight, raising her scythe high. “I will end this. Right now. Say goodbye, Pinkie Pie!”
“FIRE DRAGON’S CLAW!” Pinkie rolled her entire body to the right, bringing her fiery foot to Twilight’s chin. Her feet, now aflame, were more than enough to combat Twilight’s heavy strikes. “Fire Dragon’s Crushing Fang!” She swiped at Twilight’s face, burning Twilight’s hair as she slapped her in her face.
“Ah!” yelled Twilight, rushing to get the fire out of her hair. Coming up with an idea, she switched out of her clothes to a blue dress. She reached for the sky and caused it to rain, dousing her hair flames. “Okay, now I’ve got you in a bad spot.”
“Water, huh?” said Pinkie, bending her knees. “No problem!” She took in a deep breath and pointed up towards the clouds. “FIRE DRAGON ROAR!” She spit flames straight up towards the clouds, setting the sky itself ablaze. Caught up in its magnificence, Twilight did not realize when Pinkie charged head first into her stomach.
“Fire Dragon's Sword Horn!” yelled Pinkie, knocking her back. After she was knelt over, clutching her stomach, Twilight fell to her knees. Pinkie, realizing this advantage, engulfed her hands in flame and made a circular motion, the area becoming engulfed in flames as well. “Crimson Lotus: Exploding Flame Blade!” The torrent of flames barraged Twilight, sending her up in flames. “You’re finished.”
The silence and smoke that came from Twilight’s position neither confirmed nor denied Twilight’s state. Pinkie, quite foolishly, turned her back and started laughing.
“Finally, she’s out of my hair,” she said. “Ponyville is mine, and soon so will the world be.”
Then, it started to rain again.
“More rain?” asked Pinkie asked, shielding herself with her hands. “Looks like I can’t burn the clouds.”
“Well, no duh,” said Twilight, quite slowly. “They’re rainclouds. You can’t fight rain.” the smoke cleared. She was dressed in a white dress shirt covered by a black vest. She wore a loose tie as well. Her shorts were white and barely passed her knee. Her shoes were black and lacking laces.
“Still alive, huh?” said Pinkie. “I’ll end it with this!” She charged her fist, creating flames that licked everything around her. “Fire Dragon King’s Demolition fist!” She stopped for a moment before rushing forward, just inches away from shattering Twilight’s entire figure to pieces. Twilight connected her pinky and thumb and aimed her palm at Pinkie.
“Counter Vanish.” when she flicked her pinky, all of Pinkie’s fire disappeared, making her regular fist connect with Twilight’s abdomen. While it was still a full powered punch, Twilight didn’t even move.
“W-What!?” yelled Pinkie. “This is…” She jumped backward, Twilight giving her a lazy stare while she did. “You may have stood up to one, but how about two!? Crimson Lotus! Exploding Flame Blade!” Again the flames traveled to Twilight’s position. Twilight unsheathed a sword, its blade broken, and swiped the sword and parried the flames.
“Full Counter,” she uttered, sending the already weakened flames back at their caster. The rain caused the flames to die down before they hit Pinkie. “It’s use—”
“Hidden Fire Form…”she said. “CRIMSON LOTUS! PHEONIX BLADE!” Pinkie’s entire body was coated in fire, and she ran towards Twilight at full speed. Twilight stood still as Pinkie delivered a swift uppercut and sent her flying. She jumped up after Twilight, head first, and collided with her stomach. Twilight was sent flying even further and crashed into the Earth a few seconds later. Pinkie’s fire died down. Finally exhausted from the constant downpour of rain.
“Are you done?” asked Twilight, rising up from the rubble, plastering a surprised look on Pinkie’s face. “Cause if you’re done, I’m gonna have to ask you to stop flailing around.”
“Why you! Fire Dragon—” Twilight delivered a punch to Pinkie’s abdomen, sending her flying away. Before she could even reach the top of her parabola, Pinkie was attacked again, making her plummet to the Earth. Pinkie slowly ascended from the rubble, groaning in pain. “T-this is impossib—”
“You’re full of openings,” said Twilight, slapping Pinkie across the battlefield. The assault continued for about three and a half minutes. When Pinkie was thoroughly battered and bruised, Twilight walked up to her, grabbing her by her shirt. “It’s over, Pinkie.”
“That’s what you—” Twilight chopped her in the back of her neck, causing her to fall unconscious. A thud echoed through the battlefield as Pinkie hit the ground, motionless.
“Well, that’s that,” said Twilight, walking away from the body. “I think I might have some cider from Applejack’s farm.”
Pinkie’s body disappeared in a cloud of dust, a large yellow figure of her replacing it. Her smile was extravagant and large, and instead of arms, she had tentacles.
“So you’re still awake, huh?” said Twilight, turning back around. “Well, I guess I have to praise you for being so resilient.”
“Nurufufufufufu,” chuckled Pinkie. “Thank you.” Twilight jumped forward and launched a punch. Pinkie didn’t seem too concerned, however. She simply moved behind her, quicker than Twilight could fathom. As Twilight went to kick behind her, Pinkie returned to her original position. This time, a yellow tentacle slipped up Twilight’s shit, poking her in her bra. Pinkie, as a result, became a bright shade of pink.
“W-What are you doing?” asked Twilight, still somewhat level-headed.
“Oh,I’m just having a little fun…” Twilight grunted as she tried to stop Pinkie’s perverted advance. Every time she broke a tentacle, it’d grow back and become more ferocious than before.
“Cut it out, Pinkie,” said Twilight, her grip on her current power fading. “This isn’t…” Twilight became her normal self again, slumping on the tentacles. Pinkie dropped her on the ground before approaching her.
“Nurufufufufufufu,” she chuckled again. “Looks like you’re completely at my mercy, Twilight.” Spotting the sword lying in her hands, Pinkie reached for it. “Better safe than sorry—”
Twilight launched a punch, but Pinkie simply moved out of the way. Twilight’s eyes were replaced with black, and she wasn’t talking.
Now she meant business.
“So, you're going all out, then?” said Pinkie with her smile unwavering. “I’d like to see that. Please, try to hit me with your best—”
Twilight launched three punches, quick enough to be mistaken for one. Three large holes in Pinkie’s flesh corresponded with the punches. Pinkie’s facial expression didn’t change. Twilight didn’t stop as she delivered a roundhouse kick, splitting her entire figure in two.
“Never will I let go of this sword,” said Twilight. “Even when I die, I will never let it go.”
“I see,” said Pinkie, regenerating what she lost. “This sword means much to you, and I will respect that.” Twilight didn’t answer, instead, stood tall and aimed her sword. They both stood, eyeing the other for the perfect opening.
Then Pinkie, moving at Mach 20, attacked from all sides. Twilight, unable to fight back against the tentacles. Once she was beaten to a through pulp, Pinkie laughed again.
“Nurufufufufu,” she said, walking over to Twilight's broken body. “You talk a big game, and you can back it up.” She lifted Twilight into the air. “But I’m afraid you can’t top my speed.”
“I see,” groaned Twilight as blood rushed to her head. “Before you finish me off, can I ask you one question?”
“I suppose...” said Pinkie. “Ask away.”
“How fast can you move in the frozen time?”
“Huh?”
“WRYYYYYYYYYYY!” Pinkie’s body froze, and Twilight wriggled free of her grasp. Once free, she dusted herself off and looked towards Pinkie, studying her figure. “So, Koro-Sensei, huh? Good thing I have just the thing!” Her horn lit up with purple energy, summoning a green rubbery dagger to her hands. “And if I remember…” Twilight stabbed it right into Pinkie’s chest When time resumed, Pinkie dissipated into nothingness, leaving only smoke in her wake.
“Is…” Spike’s voice came from a pile of rubble. “Is it over?”
“Yeah,” said Twilight, tiredly. “It’s ov—”
“Rasen Shuriken!” Pinkie's voice echoed throughout the battlefield, startling Twilight. When she turned, she barely had time to dodge the large swirling blue mass that was heading towards her. About 30 feet away, Pinkie stood, a perfect copy of her next to her. “It missed? Darn!”
“Oh geez,” said Twilight, thinking of someone to combat Pinkie’s power. “Ah, I’ve got it!”
“Giant Rasengan!” A very large ball of blue energy formed in Pinkie’s hand.Once she had a grip on it, she started Sprinting towards Twilight. “Be prepared for death, Twilight Sparkle!”
“Gum-Gum…” Twilight began running at Pinkie. “Your future is sealed, Pinkie Pie! Bazooka!”
“TWILIGHT SPARKLE!”
“PINKIE PIE!”
Narrator.
They clashed, fists against energy, both not backing down. In a swirling mass of energy, the entire battlefield was covered with light.
And then, there was nothing.
“Sister, I…” Luna stared at the screen as the story ended. “Why did you do this?”
“It’s pretty cool, right?” said Celestia with a vibrant smile. Luna took a long sigh.
“Well, no, it’s not,” said Luna. “There is no real plot, the entire thing is just a joke, and I can’t really read it without cringing.”
“Ah, I see,” said Celestia. “You’re just mad cause I didn’t have Light Yagami in there.”
“How could you leave out all of Death Note?!” complained Luna. “Anyway, I think I speak for everyone when I say this crime to nature should be destroyed.” Without waiting, Luna deleted the entire thing, allowed it to save, then closed the document. Then, she went to the Drive and deleted it forever.
“Well,” said Celestia. “That’s unfortunate.”
“You don’t sound so inconvenienced...” said Luna. Then it hit her. “No, you didn’t—” Celestia reached into her pocket and withdrew several flash drives.
“It’s too late, Luna,” said Celestia. “You can’t stop me.”
“Oh God.”
Author's Note
Well, that wasn't supposed to happen.
Look at me. A subpar version of Stephen King.
I swear that I'll write a story that doesn't contain the 'Pinkie is a Maniac" headcanon... One of these days...
