Princess Celestia and the Befuddling Case of the Mysterious Tea Thief
T’was but a normal day inside Canterlot Castle. The servants were busy serving, the maids were cleaning, the cooks cooking, Anon was being distracted by dat sweet pony ass and Celestia was just getting up from her morning nap.
Princess Celestia ruled over Equestria with her sister as two near-immortal dictators. She was champion of the Best Pony Ass competition since it ever started, a troll who enjoyed pranking other ponies, part-time xenocidal maniac who enjoyed teleporting to various versions of Earth throughout the multiverse and converting all the humans into ponies(1), creepy pervert at times but most of all she was a tea drinking fanatic.
Seriously.
Celestia loved her tea more than the British do.
Whatever the weather, wherever she was, Celestia had to have a nice hot cup full of that scrumptious drink. One teaspoon of sugar and a trickle of milk. Celestia would do anything for a taste of tea, and if there was no tea, there was no Celestia. Some scientist ponies claimed that Celestia had a strange trait that her blood is actually tea-flavoured, or her blood was actually tea itself.
After Celestia finally got out of her tea-bed, which was a water bed but with tea instead of water, she called for a maid who immediately rushed in.
“What do you need, Your Holiness?” The maid asked her,
“Lemon Sherbet,” Celestia chuckled, “no need to be so formal,”
“Yes, Your Hol- I mean Princess Celestia,” the maid named Lemon Sherbet said.
“And as for your question, I wish for a cup of tea, the usual way please,” Celestia said.
“Yes, Princess Celestia.” Lemon Sherbet dashed off to the kitchens to get Celestia’s beverage as the Royal alicorn started to run a tea-scented bath for herself to relax in. As the water splashed into the tub, Celestia hummed a tune to herself and was about to burst out singing when there was a knock at the door.
“Come in!” Celestia shouted, expecting it to be her little sister Luna.
Lemon Sherbet meekly entered the room, eyes downcast.
“What is it, Lemon Sherbet?” Celestia asked with concern for her maid.
“There's no teabags left,” Lemon Sherbet said in an almost inaudible voice.
“Speak up, Lemon, I can barely hear you,” Celestia commanded,
“There's no teabags left,” Lemon Sherbet repeat with a bit more volume in her voice.
“Sorry, can you repeat that, I thought you said there’s no teabags left,” Celestia let out a short laugh.
“That's what I said,” Lemon Sherbet confirmed.
Celestia’s pupils dilated, her absolutely spiffing mane drained off all its colour and her legs started to wobble. She ran down into the kitchen at speeds only two blue, female pegasi(2) could match, threw open the cupboard and yanked out the jar where the teabags were kept and tore the lid off with her alicorn magic powers.
Nothing.
The screech that followed shattered all the castle windows, caused cracks to appear in a draconequus(3) statue in her garden, almost deafened Anon and, far away in Ponyville, Twilight’s castle broke and fell apart from the intensity of the yell but the roots from the Library were re-planted and Golden Oaks Library regrew from the mess(4) whilst Flim and Flam stole all the crystal debris from the castle to sell at ridiculously high prices.
Celestia calmed down and fixed all the castle windows she shattered and she narrowed her eyes.
“I will find you, tea thief,” she growled, “and when I do, you will pay most dearly.”
‘Yes! It was the human, Anon!’ Inner Mojo Xenolestia said in her brain,
‘Don’t be ridiculous. Anon’s cute human penis and handsome looks would never betray us like this!’ Inner Mojo Molestia argued.
‘I told you we should've ponified him on the spot! Now he’s stolen all our tea!’ Inner Mojo Xenolestia declared,
‘You flat-flanked heretic!’ Inner Mojo Molestia insulted Inner Mojo Xenolestia.
‘CAN IT, BOTH OF YOU!’ Real Celestia roared at her inner mojos inside her head, but in reality Celestia was just standing still in the kitchens, nopony aware of her mental debate.
Celestia shook her head and started looking around for clues. Nopony could just steal 100,000,000 bags of tea without leaving any evidence behind, it was impossible. She took a closer look at the tea-jar in more detail. She spotted a claw-mark on the lid, one that looked suspiciously like…
Of course! Who else could cause such mischief?!(5)
“PHILOMENA, YOU TEA SNATCHER!” Celestia burst into her room where her pet Phoenix was peacefully nesting.
The poor bird was jerked awake by Celestia’s wrath and it immediately started caw-ing and flying around.
“Don't play innocent with me, sunshine,” Celestia growled and caught the Pheonix in her magical grasp. Philomena suddenly started making jittery noises through her beak and Celestia slowly nodded,
“So you were stuck inside the tea closet and slept on the tea-jar, leaving your claw marks there?” Celestia asked for confirmation, to which Philomena violently nodded it's head.(6)
“A likely story…” Celestia narrowed her eyes, death-staring her petrified bird. Philomena let out more jittery noises and flapped her wings about for emphasis, then promptly burst into flames until she was little more than a pile of ashes on the floor.
“Okay…” Celestia started to leave the room and gave the Phoenix one last suspicious glance before returning to the kitchen.
“Let's see here,” Celestia mumbled to herself as she paced around the kitchens in a similar manner to Twilight Sparkle, “it's not Philomena, who else could it be?”
Without warning, Anon walked in. He was sweaty and slightly out of breath, Celestia also noticed him staring at her ass.
No change there, then.
“Anon, did you steal my tea?” Celestia asked him in a stern, harsh voice.
“No, no way!” Anon replied, eyes darting about nervously. He scratched an imaginary itch on his nose.
‘LIES!’ Inner Mojo Xenolestia declared.
‘SHUT UP!’ Inner Mojo Molestia and Real Celestia retorted.
“Okay, just checking, Anon.” Celestia smiled at him in a seductive way and continued searching the kitchen for clues as to who the evasive tea-thief was.
‘Let’s see…’ Celestia thought to herself, ‘The thief must be somepony extremely fast. Rainbow Dash maybe… No. She’s far too reckless to pull this off. They'd also have to have access to the kitchens, which she doesn't. Wait a minute: blue feather, fast, access to the Kitchens, it all adds up!’
Princess Luna was asleep. Being Princess of the Night, she tended to sleep through most of the day unless there was a special occasion going on, where she would drink fountains of the Red Griffin(7) energy drink just to stay awake for the day and night. If there’s one thing you need to know about Luna, it's that Tartarus hath no fury like a Night Princess awoken from daytime slumber.
Princess Celestia, however, was in no mood for caring about her sister’s sleep schedule, as she burst into Luna’s room and let off an airhorn right by her ear.
Princess Luna screamed and jumped out of bed, her usually splendid mane now in a complete and utter mess and her eyes rimmed with bags and extremely bloodshot.
“CELESTIA!” Luna screeched in anger at being woken up in such an un-funny manor and threw her pillow at her sister’s face via Magic.
“WHERE IS MY TEA?” Celestia yelled back
“I DON’T HAVE YOUR BUCKING TEA!” Luna roared and rolled over in an attempt to get back to sleep.
Celestia used her magic(8) to throw the sheets off of her little sister and the Luna had had enough.
She growled and began a startling transformation into the creature known as Nightmare-You Woke Me From My Nap You Asshole-Moon but before she could complete it, Celestia threw the sheets back on top of her and dashed out the room.
‘Okay, I don't think she stole the tea.’ Celestia thought as she trotted back to the crime scene.
Once again in the kitchen, Celestia peered around the room, desperate for clues. Suddenly water dripped down onto her head from the ceiling. She glanced up and another drip splashed into her left eye.
“Your Majesty!” A guard rushed in, “you left the bath running! The upstairs quarters have flooded!”
“THEN FIX IT YOU IDIOT!” Celestia yelled at the poor guard. This is what she was like without her morning cuppa. Grouchy and mean.
Something caught Celestia’s eye on the tea-jar. It was extremely faint but definitely a human-sized handprint, faded but there.
“ANON!!!!!!!”(9)
Princess Celestia Sol stormed into Anon’s quarters, filled with pictures of erotic ponies and an extremely large mug, which looked almost full of tea.
“Oh hey, Celestia,” Anon grinned. Her was wearing a suit and tie and Ray Bans.
“Don't play cool with me, tea-thief!” Celestia said, approaching him. Anon’s smile faltered.
“I can assure you that what I did, I did in the name of the tea,” Anon stammered and gestured to the enormous teacup. “Behold! The largest cup of tea ever! I used all of the teabags in the kitchens to make it for you!”
“Anon, that's… I don't know what to say!” Celestia teared up and lovingly smiled at Anon, who smiled back.
Celestia did the maths in her head. If there was 11mg of caffeine in every teabag, and there was
100,000,000 teabags in the kitchens then…
1,100,000,000mg of caffeine.
Celestia looked forward to drinking all of it.
“May I?” She asked the human called Anon.
“You may,” Anon grinned from ear to ear as Celestia flapped her wings and flew to the top of the mug. It was the perfect colour, there was even a giant biscuit to dunk into it.
Anon really had thought of everything.
Celestia dunked her head into the mug and drank with all her might. The delicious hot liquid filling her and making her forget all about her past problems.
Two hours later
“LUNA WAKE UP! HEY LUNA GUESS WHAT, I HAD ALL THE TEA, ALL OF IT, EVERY LAST DROP! I FEEL GREAT! I SHOULD DO THIS MORE OFTEN! LUNA! WE MUST BUY MORE TEA IMMEDIATELY! INFORM OUR SADDLE ARABIAN FRIENDS, WE’RE PLACING A VERY LARGE ORDER! LUNA! THIS IS IMPORTANT BUSINESS! ANON MADE ME THE TEA! MY HEAD IS ALL LIGHT AND WEIRD! LUNA, NOTICE ME! AWAKEN DEAR SISTER! THE NIGHT CAN’T LAST FOREVER, YOU KNOW! HA-HA!”
“Urgh. Please, end it God. Please.”
(1): See any Anti Conversion Bureau story.
(2): Rainbow Dash and Lightning Dust
(3): No idea how to spell Discord’s species name. Hope that is identifiable as it.
(4): What a terrible shame...
(5): Bet y’all were thinking Discord, weren't you. Admit it.
(6): Side note, Celestia can speak Pheonix
(7): Red Griffin energy drink is in no way an imitation of the Red Bull energy drink. Promise.
(8): Snort snort
(9): Inner Mojo Xenolestia was right all along.
Author's Note
Well this was the most fun thing I've written in a long while. Who actually listened to the links, I'm curious?
Have a good day/night
MrLongSurname.
