The Life of A Brony

by lavendernoodle

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Human, Comedy, Romance
Length: 2045

Don't take this seriously.

My name was Adam White, until one day
I died.

Or so I thought. I was actually transported to the land of Equestria, where I met my wife Lyra.

This is my story.

Contains smooching and innapropro language.

Ok, don't take this seriously.
This is just me being an [spoiler]ass[/spoiler] and making fun of all the "Human in Equestria" stories on FIMFiction. I don't have a problem with them or anything. Just making a joke. :heart:

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-06-16 00:41:54 UTC

Morning

Never in all of my years did I think I'd be here.

When I graduated from Cornell (ever heard of it?) in '95, they told me I was a prodigy. I excelled in each of my classes, so much so that I was able to take a semester of every class they offered, as well as joining every club and going to every event. Sure, I was a party animal, but humans are animals too.

And the women. They watched me day and night. Frankly, I enjoyed it. Nothing makes a tall, brunette, white boy like me happier than women's attention.

So naturally, I was offered many jobs. All across the world, too. Girlfriend of the day, Jamie, begged me not to go when I got my ten millionth letter offering me billions of dollars a year. I shut Jamie out.

I guess girls never appealed to me. All they want is sex, you know? I'm not an animal. I can't just give them whatever they want whenever they want. I was a civilized man and planned to give most of my earnings to charities and the like.

I finally chose to move to a facility in Scotland where I was a medicine tester. "Wow," they said, "it seems that in your blood you not only have the cure for cancer, aids, Alzheimers, and thousands of other diseases...but we could literally pump ten thousand or more tons of radioactive waste into your vanes and you'd live."

I brushed the hair out of my eyes. "I know."

But things can't stay perfect forever, I suppose.

They did pump some sort of rash cream into me, and I did die. Or at least, that's what they thought.

My eyes wouldn't shut and my heart stopped. They threw me into a grave and I could hear the funeral around me, but I was still in there. Screaming to wake up, but it was no use. My subconscious was weakened by the ass rash cream.

But the lid of the coffin shut.

I still have nightmares.

The coffin shuts over and over, and I wake up in a cold sweat. I grab her warm, turquoise body and squeeze her hoof. Sometimes she wakes up and mumbled a "hmf," but I whisper, "Just another nightmare," and we fall asleep.

In the morning, I wake up again and the bed is empty. I can hear bacon sizzling.

I slowly roll out of bed and put on some clothes. My body aches from last night.

I then walk into the kitchen and kiss her. She returns the favor. I sit down and she places the plate of bacon, pancakes, eggs, sausage, and hash-browns and a glass of OJ over to me. I sigh. "You're the best girlfriend ever."

She smiles. "I know."

We eat. Well, I do. She sips her coffee and stares at the clock. It's Saturday, but Bon Bon is coming over later. She doesn't know I'm here.

"Do...you want to talk about it?" I ask.

She takes another sip. "Ok. What's there to say?"

"It was mutual, right?"

"Of course."

"Are you still upset about Bon Bon?"

Silence. Finally, she says, "I loved her."

"I know."

She places her hoof on my hand. "I don't anymore, of course. When she sees you...I'm just so afraid. She's gonna kill me."

"You don't have to tell her everything."

"I can't lie to her. We've dated for years and...she really helped me find myself. You and I...it was an accident."

That stings a little, but I know she's right.

Clubs in Ponyville aren't common, I've found. There's only one, The Rebel Hatchet.

I couldn't help but be stared at, but I also couldn't help but stare at her.

Almost naked, she was dancing, obviously drunk beyond reason. But she was so beautiful. I had to talk to her.

Shyly, I waved. "Hi---"

Before I could even end my "hi," I was wrapped into a kiss and she was dancing on me. That's how it started, and it didn't end until four in the morning.

"Bon Bon will understand."

"Adam, for ten years she has laughed at me for seeing humans in my dreams, in my visions. I can't help but be attracted to you. Princess Celestia even has an interest in you."

"Not romantically. Politically."

She rolled her eyes. "I know. Bon Bon is a non believer, and I told her I was gay. Do you know how many times we made love? Thousands, probably. I never felt anything, but...I couldn't tell her that. Ten years." She sighed. "So I just had to go to a club and get wasted."

She looked at me. "I'm sorry. I just can't help but ask...do you think we're gonna make it?"

"Of course."

"What about the other ponies? What about our poor, poor hybrid children?"

My eyes widened. "That's...kind of far in the future. Technically, this is still an affair."

She smiled.

"Bon Bon!" She opened the door, letting her girlfriend in. The two kissed, and then she shut the door. "How's Canterlot?"

"Eh, you know. I really wasn't needed, but the Princess insists that she feels safer with me around."

She laughed and rolled her eyes. "Like the Griffon King would ever hurt the bucking Goddess of The Sun."

"I know, right?"

"Sweetie Drops, I need to tell you something."

Sweetie turned around. She never called Sweetie "Sweetie," even with the doors closed. "Oh--ok."

She bit her lip. "Sweetie, I've been your marefriend for ten years."

"Yes."

"I want to break up."

Sweetie gasped. "What? Why?"

"I found someone else."

Sweetie turned red. "What?"

"And I'm not gay. I'm incredibly straight and only attracted to humans."

Sweetie sighed with relief. "Again with the humans? Very funny, L---"

"It's true. He's right in the kitchen, and we made passionate love last night and for the first time in ten years I felt something---"

Sweetie placed a hoof on her mouth. "Let me stop you right there. You're telling me that when I was gone for two days, you were able to find a human who you apparently love more than me, made passionate love to, and now want to break up with me."

"Yes."

"Listen, I know I'm gone a lot and you're bored and things aren't as crazy as they used to be. Heck, we're not the only gay pony couple in Equestria anymore, but please...please don't do this to yourself. Humans aren't real."

She turned to the kitchen. "Adam, come out!"

My heart rate rose and I began to sweat. Slowly, I walked out from the kitchen. "Hi, I'm Adam, her...stallionfriend." I put out a hand.

She grinned, but Sweetie looked disgusted. "No. No, this can't be real. I'm dreaming."

"It's real, Bon Bon. It's over."

Sweetie turned to her. "Do you realize what you've done? The first human in Equestria and you've claimed him. Just because you bucked him."

"Bon, you don't control me."

Sweetie turned red again, and then walked out, slamming the door before her.

A half hour later, she groaned. "Just got a text from Bon. She's moving to Canterlot, burning our photo albums and never wants to see me again."

I put an arm around her. "Don't worry about it, babe. The hardest part of the day's over."

"She was my only friend, Adam. Now I have you, though, so that's good. But..." she paused. "I scheduled a big lunch for everyone to meet you."

"What?" I had no idea.

"I'm sorry, I know Celestia already made you do that all over Equestria but...no one knows that you'll be living here now. These ponies'll be your neighbors and friends. They have to know I love you."

I kissed her. "Anything for you."

Afternoon

I like Ponyville. After going on the tour of Equestria where Celestia introduced me to some officials and other important ponies, I was impressed. But that very night that I met her (before I actually met her), I declined Celestia's offer for me to travel outside of the country. I'm not sure why I did it exactly, but my guess is that I was captivated by Ponyville. Such as a small town, with no problems or electricity.

Besides, it was quiet. Especially when her and I walked to the giant table with almost all of Ponyville's residents sitting at it. All eyes were on us as we sat down at the end with the Princess and her friends.

"So, are you really a human?" Pinkie Pie asked suddenly.

"Pinkie, you can't just ask someone if they're human," Rarity sneered.

"Well, I'm just asking. He doesn't look at all like Sunset Shimmer or the other humans."

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "How do you know---"

"It's just a guess," Pinkie said quickly.

Her and I sat in silence for most of the meal. Suddenly, Rainbow Dash blurted, "So, is Bon Bon ok?"

The table exploded with, "Rainbow Dash!"

"What?"

"She's fine," she said calmly.

"Is it true? That...you're not gay?" Applejack asked.

She nodded.

Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "And you're only attracted to humans?"

She nodded again. "I've seen them in my dreams, or visions, for years. They captivate me, like Adam did."

I bit my lip. Unlike all the humans I'd ever met, these ponies didn't seem impressed by me.

She and I walked home.

She said, "You know, I don't care what they think of us."

"I know."

She looked up at me. "Do you?"

I hesitated. "It's just that...back in my world, everyone was so impressed with me. Everything I did was incredible."

"Mm hm."

"But here, everything that was cool about me...doesn't even matter here."

"You want attention?" She asked.

"Well, I never like it when people say it like that but...I guess so. I'm just used to it."

I bent down and she kissed me. "I'm sorry. If I could, I'd make everyone love you. Even Bon Bon."

I smiled. "I know."

Epilogue

We were wed.

It was a beautiful summer day, and Bon Bon only tried shooting us once.

We had 200 beautiful children, each one more deformed than the last.

I can't say I'm happy with my life, but I can say I'm glad I got to buck that many times.

Evening

Love.

It's just a word.

You don't feel love until you have dated thousands of girls. You don't feel love until she's got you pinned up against a wall. You don't feel love until she's shoved her tongue halfway down your throat.

She began to use her magic, but I pulled away. "Wait."

"What?"

"What are we doing?"

"I don't know, I just...you said you wished last night could last forever so I figured 'Why don't we do that every night?' I mean, I won't sleep as well but---"

"No, I mean...what are we doing with this relationship?"

"Adam..."

"I think I love you but I've never been one to want just sex. I don't know how I feel about hybrids and I think everypony and their mother will be turning their muzzles up at us everyday for the rest of our lives."

She sighed. "You're right. I can't make them like us."

"But Adam...I want you. I want your body more than I can ever put into words and---"

"Just stop. You're just like the rest of them. They only want me 'cause I'm beautiful and manly and hairy and not because I am incredibly talented."

She frowned. "I never said anything like that."

"Whenever you tell me how much you want me, you just want my d---"

"You don't have to say it. This obviously isn't gonna work and now I have you to thank for destroying my life."

"Babe---"

"Get out."

I spent the night cold and alone, for the first time in my life. I don't understand what happened. It was just...too fast.

The next morning, she appeared and brought me home. We "kissed and made up," you could say.

We went on a walk. We talked about our feelings and plans for the future. Weights were lifted off our shoulders.

So I got down on my knee. I don't think I've ever seen her smile as much as she did when I asked, "Lyra Heartstrings, will you...marry me?"