NERF, or: Twilight Sparkle's Struggle To Understand Foam Violence

by Gideon020

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other, Spike, Comedy, Gilda, Adventure, Human
Length: 7366

A new law-enforcement weapon piques Twilight's interest. Mostly because she has no idea how it's so effective.

It started in the distant, rough and tumble Griffin mining town of Shady Sands, infamous for being a town where just saying the wrong greeting could start a fight and not a day went by where a building didn't get wrecked by some wild brawl in the saloon.

Then the Sheriff came to town and started a revolution that swept across the Griffin Kingdoms.

Now, Twilight Sparkle is facing a strangely worthy test of her intellect and skill as a scholar as the Sheriff's strange weapons are now being considered for usage by the Royal Guard for law enforcement duties and Princess Celestia wants her faithful student to answer one rather difficult question.

How can simple foam darts fly truer than any arrow or spell, penetrate magical shields and armour, knock an adult pony out cold, level buildings and yet not leave a bruise on a foal?

The journey to find out the answer will be long, painful, and full of foam.

Set somewhere in Season Six. Definitely after Five.

Published 2016-06-15 22:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-06-21 12:37:04 UTC

Prologue: The Sheriff Comes To Shady Sands

Shady Sands, on the border between the Aerie Highlands and Saddle Arabia.

"Shady Sands is a place where you go if you want gold, iron, gems, or missing teeth."
-An old traveling warning.

As he lay on the ground wondering where his life went wrong, Markus Redfeather worked his tongue around and with a groan spat out a tooth as the young Griffin rolled on to his paws and looked around at the carnage taking place; Griffins, Minotaurs, Yaks, and surprisingly a few ponies were busy duking it out and Markus knew the exact reason for the brawl.

The pony brothers Iron Lung and Salt Spray had found a new gem seam and had gone to put in their claim at the claim office, which was where Markus had put in his own claim on a small deposit of gold he had found only an hour ago, then Toro Bighorn and his gang had jumped the claim, the brothers complained, and before Markus knew it someone had slugged him in the beak and laid him out.

"Gonna need dentures by the time I head home," the Griffin grumbled as he unsteadily pushed himself up and started making his way on wobbly legs towards his humble home in Shady Sands when he bumped into someone, "Oh, sorry about that." A moment later he cringed, expecting another fist to the beak when something strange happened.

A chuckle met his ears as a rough voice remarked, "Don't worry about it. Now then, time to get to work."

"Work?" Markus looked up to see who was speaking before blinking as he took in the round, somewhat flat face as a pair of dark eyes regarded him behind a pair of glasses and a shaggy mane while the rest of the bipedal body, like a softer version of a Minotaur, was covered in heavy clothing while the head was protected from the sun by a wide-brimmed hat.

"Yup. The King sent me to clean up the town. I'm your new Sheriff." With that answer, the Sheriff strode past Markus and stood in front of the brawl with his claws (?) braced on his hips, "ALL RIGHT YOU SHIT-RIDDEN PILES OF DONKEY BUTTER! BREAK IT UP!"

The sudden blast of profanity brought the fight to an immediate halt as everyone turned their attention to the strangely-dressed biped as he continued speaking, "That's better! Congratulations you sand-fuckers, by the order of His Imperial Majesty Arcturus Greywing The Seventeenth, the town of Shady Sands has been officially granted a Sheriff to restore the flow of tax revenue and reinstate some fucking law and order! I, am your Sheriff, and if you dog-humping flea farms do not cease, desist, or otherwise fuck off to go do something productive, I will use force to make you!"

Toro Bighorn, at the center of the brawl, shoved off his opponents as he stood up tall, "And who are you to make us? You look as soft as a pudding and probably will look twice as mushy when I'm done with you!"

The biped didn't answer and instead pulled from under his poncho a strange object; to Markus' eyes the object looked like a crossbow that had the arms chopped off and was painted a garish selection of red and white as the Sheriff aimed it at Toro, "This says you will be sleeping off the mother of all headaches in my jail if you do not end this fight right here and now."

"Try it!" Toro roared mockingly, slamming meaty fists upon his chest, "One shot, 'Sheriff' and then I'll break that toy before I break you!"

The Sheriff smiled, aimed square at Toro's chest, and pulled the trigger.

*SNAP!*

New Weapon Takes The Griffon Kingdoms By Storm!
-By Scoop Chaser

In recent months, the Griffin Imperial Kingdoms have long been known to our fair citizenry as a rough, often mean, sometimes cruel, and always violent collection of squabbling kings and queens under an Emperor who spends most of his diplomatic efforts preventing civil war but now the tide has turned and for the first time in centuries has actual peace, law and order reigned across the Aerie Highlands!

How did this come about? This intrepid reporter braved bandits, fierce weather as worse as the storms that come out of the Everfree forest, even time in a Griffin prison, deep under their mountain homes, to discover the shocking truth! A new weapon has arrived in the hands of the Griffin Emperor Arcturus Greywing, one capable of laying low anypony shot by it with incredibly speed and shocking accuracy, a weapon capable of puncturing magical shields and ignoring the effects of magical armour!

Could this weapon one day be used in acts of aggression against Equestria? Could it find it's way into even more disagreeable and violent places like Yakyakistan? And what could be the response of Princess Celestia as she goes to the annual International Summit between all kingdoms and empires in the world, now being hosted in the Aerie Highlands where this new weapon is sure to be shown off?

This reporter hopes that hopefully this will be the last we here of it.

Aerie Highlands, Imperial Capital of Aquila

Princess Celestia only had one response as she inspected the unconscious volunteer for the demonstration of this strange, but ultimately non-lethal weapon as she looked up to meet Emperor Arcturus Greywing The Seventeenth's eyes and calm smile.

"And you say that you can easily acquire more of these?" She asked as the other dignitaries watched with their own interested expressions.

Greywing's eyes twinkled with clear amusement, "Easily. And in very, very great numbers. The being whom I purchased these weapons from and showed me their secrets was very confident in his ability to supply them and has consistently made good on his promises."

Celestia's eyes narrowed, "And might you be willing to consider...a request from me?"

Greywing's smile widened, "For the Princess Of The Sun? Anything."

"I want it."

Author's Note

May be a self-insert. May not. No real knowledge of canon required for reading, although knowledge of the NERF catalogue may be handy.

1: A Demonstration.

Canterlot Palace

"Let me in, I must see the Princess immediately! I demand an audience!" Princess Celestia's ear flicked as she heard the commotion behind the doors leading into her throne room as she turned her head slightly towards the Griffin Provost-Marshal, who was regarding the noise with thinly-veiled amusement as the voice shouted, "My purpose for being here? To protest, that is what I'm here for!"

Celestia sighed as she reluctantly put down the object held in her magic, "Do excuse me Provost-Marshal, it seems my subjects require my attention, this won't take long."

The Provost-Marshal nodded, "Of course, Princess, we understand perfectly. We will put the demonstration on hold for now." Across from them, a Griffin soldier sighed with obvious relief as he quickly removed the target on his chest and padded away from where he was standing, his fellows elbowing him as they chirped various teases. Relieved that they hadn't taken offense, Celestia trotted over to the door of her throne room.

"Let them in." The guard at the door nodded and rapped sharply, signaling the guards on the other side to open the door; and causing Celestia to back up as a gaggle of ponies fell through the door in a rough heap as Celestia raised an eyebrow and stepped forward, "Hello my little ponies, what brings you here today?" She had a fairly good idea though: Scoop Chaser's sensationalist article had inflamed popular opinion and the Sun Princess had been dealing with ponies coming to protest the weapons in Day Court every day.

Even Luna had her fair share of protests in Night Court.

'Admittedly,' Celestia allowed in her mind, 'She considers such protests to be a wonderful source of debate. In fact she's done more to allay fears about the new Griffin weapon than any words I've said...'

One of the ponies managed to extricate himself from the pile and approach as he smoothed out his black mane and brushed down his official-looking shirt and jacket before straightening his tie, "Princess Celestia, I am Night Dash, and I along with my organization the POV are here to protest the introduction of the Griffin's...appalling new weapon, for service in the Royal Guard!"

'Ah, of course. Ponies Opposed to Violence' Celestia thought as she maintained her motherly smile while concealing her headache while speaking to the pony, "Oh yes, the group that speaks out against senseless violence within Equestria, I've heard of your efforts in recent days." Inwardly she was glad to have a face to the constant letters and protests against anything from the rather sensible extension of jail times for theft to even the usage of sleeping powders to bring down rampaging beasts that left the Everfree and other wild areas of Equestria.

"Thank you Princess, and while I'm certain you must be curious as to how we have acquired our information, I can only inform you that-" Celestia tuned out the excuses, the Royal Constabulary and the Royal Guard both had evidence of the POV bribing members, while others suspected blackmail.

"-and that is why we are here to protest this barbaric weapon! Equestria doesn't need a weapon that can cause such grievous harm to others, what could happen if it was used against a foal?" Night Dash finished as Celestia's mind summed it up rather plainly for her; they didn't want the weapon because they were scared of it and were using the old foal-harm excuse to get her to deny it.

Granted she had the same concern but Celestia knew the importance of making sure everything was perfectly tested to her own stringent standards, which would of course include making sure it was difficult for the weapons to harm a foal, despite the Griffin's claims that it wouldn't so much as leave a mark.

"I see. Well, unfortunately my dear subject, as much as I can sympathize with your concerns, I am afraid that I cannot just simply reject the weapon out of turn until I have fully studied it to my personal satisfaction." She managed to look properly disappointed at letting one of her subjects down as Night Dash's jaw dropped, "I am very sorry my little pony, but there are things not even I can just cancel at the drop of a hat. I must hear the offer being spoken here, if only for politeness' sake."

In the background there was a sharp *SNAP* as one of the Griffin soldiers fired one of their strange new weapons at a target, the projectile thumping against the target before bouncing on the floor and rolling slightly. The ponies of the POV all stared at the Griffin with narrowed eyes, prompting a jaunty wave from the soldier as he fired another projectile with a loud *SNAP* before the projectile thumped against a target.

"Is that it?" One of the ponies snapped, "Is that one of those horrible weapons?" He broke away from the group as the soldier padded over and picked up the projectiles before carefully loading it into the rotating drum in the weapon while the pony approached, "Equestria doesn't need weapons like that to defend itself! Princess, you cannot be serious about this, please get rid of these weapons!"

"My dear little pony, you need not be afraid of what is going on here. This is merely diplomacy," Celestia explained, inwardly wondering if there was something wrong with ponies these days that they got fearful so quickly. "Please, there's no reason to be so panicked. I'm sure if you all just calm down, we can-"

"So, Marshal, should we be unpacking the big one yet?" One of the Griffin soldiers asked the Provost-Marshal as he placed one of the garishly-colored weapons on a table, "Or should we go with one of the long-range ones?"

"Hmm...one of the big ones." The Provost-Marshal muttered, ignoring the appalled ponies nearby, "A good demonstration of crowd control should be appropriate, I think."

"How dare you make light of our grievances!" The pony shouted, rushing towards the table, "I'll show you what I think about-"

*SNAP*

The pony flew backwards, sliding along the floor as his head lolled back while the projectile was picked up and reloaded into the small weapon on the table as the Provost-Marshal started speaking, "As you can see Princess Celestia, the projectiles are perfectly harmless. Capable of knocking out a grown pony without a single mark, with those incapacitated requiring minimal medical attention to recover from their current state."

Celestia quietly studied the unconscious pony with her magic and noted to her private satisfaction that the Griffin was telling the truth; the pony was unharmed physically and there was no signs of dark magic. She hated that such a demonstration had to take place on one of her little ponies but the relief at seeing nothing out of the ordinary allowed her to quash her annoyance at this event.

"Thank you Provost-Marshal. However, I feel that this demonstration would be better served taking place at another time. Tomorrow perhaps?" Celestia proposed with a smile as she wondered just what sort of mess she was going to have to clean up this time while the Provost-Marshal nodded with his own smile.

"Of course Princess, my apologies for the rough handling of your subject, but our soldiers have been trained to think quickly on their paws. we will return after things have-"

"You won't be coming back! We have rights!" Night Dash shouted and several ponies shouted their agreement while the others looked between the unconscious pony and the Griffins busy watching the entire affair as Night Dash stepped forward, "You can't just do that to one of Princess Celestia's subjects!"

'Some days I really wish I could get a word in edgewise when something like that happens.' Celestia thought as she considered using a flash of magic to cow everyone so she could be heard, 'Might as well do that. Before something worse happens.'

But before she could do just that, Night Dash pushed forward, "We in the POV are fundamentally pacifist, but if it will keep Equestria free of horrible weapons such as these, then we've got no choice but to use force!"

"YEAH!" The ponies shouted as Celestia sighed.

'I should teach them a lesson, one they won't forget. But what?' Celestia considered her options, before nodding to herself, "Provost-Marshal." Everyone turned to look at her, "I've changed my mind. You said you had tools for crowd control? Such as an impending riot?"

The Provost-Marshal smiled, "As a matter of fact, we have one already unpacked." He motioned to a Griffin who was crouching behind a strange, brightly-coloured weapon with two barrels pointed straight at the ponies, "Are you asking for a demonstration?"

Celestia nodded, looking Night Dash square in the eyes, "Please."

Night Dash didn't have time to scream as rough whining filled the air before...

*SNAPSNAPSNAPSNAPSNAP!*

Sugarcube Corner, Ponyville

"-and one Super-Duper Chocolate Quake Thickshake!" Pinkie Pie finished as she set down the massive glass, "It's a new recipe so Mr. Cake says it's gonna be expensive unless it proves popular! I think it's absolutely, positively splendiferous!"

"Thanks Pinkie, I'm sure it'll be great." Twilight Sparkle replied with a smile as she carefully took a spoonful of the icecream sitting on top of the thick, almost black, chocolate thickshake before taking a taste, "Mmm, this is great! Although I don't know if ponies will buy it enough for a regular treat."

"Ah'll say Twilight," Applejack remarked, looking askance at the massive glass, "Looks more like something you'd order for a special occasion or a party ta me."

"Ooh!" Pinkie pulled out a notebook and scribbled in it before tossing it back in her hair, "That would be perfect! Thanks Applejack!"

"Hah, no problem sugarcube." The country pony replied with a smile, "So Twi, what's the big delivery to the castle, and what's with the new reading material?"

"Hmm?" Twilight looked up as she slurped at the thickshake, barely making a dent in it's volume, "Oh, Celestia sent over some samples of the new weapons that have been showing up in the Griffon Kingdoms lately, along with their instruction manuals."

"My goodness!" Rarity placed a hoof to her mouth, "The Princess actually sent you weapons? Why on earth would she do such a thing?"

"Sounds awesome to me." Rainbow Dash piped up, "I got a letter from Gilda saying these new weapon thingies are the most awesome weapons in the world. They don't hurt anyone, but WHAM! POW! you get hit with one and you're out like a light for hours!" She grinned, "That's a weapon I can call cool!"

"You would." Applejack retorted, "But it's pretty strange that Princess Celestia sent you weaponry and the manuals for them though. Did she give an explanation?"

"Oh yes," Twilight replied, eyes still glued on the rather thin manual in front of her as she continued slurping at the thickshake, now able to make a noticeable dip in the levels inside the glass, "Celestia said that she wants me to study the weapons and their ammunition to find out what sort of magical effect could knock out a grown pony without harming them while going through any form of magical protection."

"Oh, I hope it's not some kind of nasty curse," Fluttershy shivered, "Because that would be horrible."

"Well-"

"I bet its some kind of super-secret magical spell!" Rainbow Dash declared, "And Twilight's going to find out how so that Equestria can make their own!"

"That's-"

"Well, I for one think it's more about protecting ourselves." Rarity opined, "After all, this is a new paradigm and who's to say these new weapons won't be used in a war against Equestria?"

"Could you-"

"I just hope it doesn't harm animals." Fluttershy said with surprising firmness, "I wouldn't like it if they were used to hurt a cute little bird or bunny."

"Now girls-"

"Frankly, I think we're getting upset over nothing." Applejack spoke up calmly, "I mean, Twilight's probably found the secret already, right Twilight?"

"No." All conversation stopped as the five mares looked to their alicorn friend and a few other listening in carefully leaned in closer.

"Twilight? I could have sworn you said you didn't find out their secret?" Rarity inquired with a subtly-confused expression, "Is it behind some kind of magical curse?"

"Nope." Twilight replied, noting she was now a quarter of the way through the thickshake as she spooned out chunks of chocolate, "In fact, I can state after studying their primary form of ammunition; foam darts with plastic caps, that the magical effect that can do all of the things that Princess Celestia says they can do..."

Everyone leaned in closer.

"Doesn't exist." Everyone in the store let out a disappointed groan, one or two even falling over in their chairs.

"What." Rainbow Dash said, "But Princess Celestia told you-"

"She not only told me, she sent a film reel as proof." Twilight replied as she ate another spoonful and started chewing a rather large and stubborn piece of chocolate, "But there's nothing. I nearly asked Celestia if they were tampered, but they came under heavy guard and with seals from both the Griffon Imperial Kingdoms and Canterlot stating that the crates had not been tampered with. But I found nothing."

She swallowed, "As far as I am concerned, these are nothing more than plain foam darts fired by springs or sophisticated electric motors, and I told Spike to send a letter to Princess Celestia stating my opinion that she was being conned by the Griffins, because as far as I can tell, the Griffin's new weapons are a collection of rather loudly-painted toys."

At that moment, Spike walked into Sugarcube corner, a scroll in one claw and one of the so-called 'toys' in question clutched in the other, "Uh, Twilight?"

"Oh, Spike, what did Celestia say?" Twilight asked as she made another valiant effort to reduce the amount of thickshake inside her glass.

"Well, uh, she sent back a reply with instructions for me to read it out loud to you." Spike replied nervously, scratching the back of his head with the claw holding the scroll.

"Well, go ahead Spike, it's probably a public proclamation about these things being an attempt to defraud Equestria or something." Twilight stated confidently as Spike shrugged, unrolled the scroll, and then started reading.

"Dear Twilight Sparkle,

If you are hearing this, Spike is following my instructions and is reading this out loud to you. If this is happening in a public setting, all the better for what is going to happen.

I have received your report about the new Griffin weapons and your opinion on them being, as you stated: 'garish, overblown, spring-loaded toys' and your further opinion that I was being fooled or otherwise conned."

"You see?" Twilight stated with a smile.

"However, my dear and faithful student, I must rebut your assertions with a physical demonstration as I am certain no amount of words will dissuade you otherwise.

Spike is now going to use one of these 'toys' on you. If you are not affected and have him send a reply back immediately then I will concede your point and withdraw Equestria's offer for a supply of these weapons for the Royal Guard and Royal Constabulary. However, if I do not receive a reply back within one hour, I will consider my position vindicated and upon your return to consciousness, ask that you try harder to discover how these 'mere foam darts' can be so effective.

Spike, you may start now.

From,
Princess Celestia."

Spike rolled the scroll back up and pulled back on a handle with a loud click, "Sorry Twilight, but-"

"It's all right Spike," Twilight smiled gently as she pushed the glass to the side, "Like I said, these things are nothing more than-"

*SNAP!*

Author's Note

Needless to say people, these NERF guns fire a lot longer and more accurately than what we know they can do.

2: Enter Twilight Sparkle

"Uhhh..." Slowly, a purple eyelid cracked open and the owner winced at the light shining in her eye before she blearily opened them and looked to find herself lying down in a hospital bed, "What the? Ponyville General?" Looking around, the mare carefully sat up as a nurse entered and stopped upon seeing her.

"Oh my! You're awake!" The nurse came forward and helped the mare sit up, "Try not to move around too much Princess Twilight, I'll go get the doctor to give you a checkup."

"Checkup? Doctor?" Twilight Sparkle muttered before she groaned and placed a hoof to her head, "Ah, my head! What happened?"

"I can answer that, Princess." An older, male voice replied as Twilight turned her head to see one of the doctors entering the room, "You've been unconscious for nine hours, after getting struck in the face by a projectile fired from one of the new Griffin weapons that was delivered to you by Princess Celestia. Your assistant, Spike, explained everything to us while you were recovering."

"Wait..." Twilight slowly drawled, "Are you saying that I've been in a coma for nine hours after being hit by a foam dart? By a toy?!"

The doctor nodded, "That is exactly what happened Princess Sparkle; you were struck in the head and was ejected from Sugarcube Corner through the front window with enough speed and force to smash into Cabbage Patch's cabbage cart.

Twilight dimly remembered a distraught voice screaming, "My cabbages!" Shaking her head lightly, Twilight focused on getting some answers, "I don't believe it. Clearly I was hit by some kind of powerful spell, or a monster attacked at that moment, or-"

"You were hit in the face by a foam projectile and sent flying." The doctor overrode her brusquely, "Denying it won't make it less true. The local Guard forces have numerous witness statements about what happened to you and everyone all said that you were sent flying through the window after getting hit in the face by a foam dart with a plastic cap." He smiled lightly, "I don't think you'll be able to say that these new Griffin weapons are toys any more."

Satisfied his patient was in good health, the doctor left Twilight Sparkle sitting in bed with her jaw agape. Once he was certain he was out of earshot, he started laughing.

Several minutes later, Twilight was cleared to leave the hospital, with a warning not to get hit in the face by foam darts again, much to her chagrin, leaving the Princess with only the walk back to her home, accompanied by the occasional glances and smiles being sent her way. Yes, there was sympathy or concern in some of the gazes but most of it?

Amusement, and Twilight knew her cheeks were burning from the embarrassment of not just being proven wrong, but being proven wrong, in public, after having a message from Princess Celestia read out loud saying that she was wrong.

But even so, no-one was quite willing to do more than smile a little and if they giggled it was well out of earshot as Twilight tried to maintain something resembling royal dignity and poise as she finally reached her castle and walked inside before teleporting to her throne room, "Well, at least that's over."

"I wouldn't be too sure." Twilight groaned as she heard the voice and turned to see her friends seated at their own thrones, and all of them were grinning widely at her as Rarity continued, "While I admit that even I am tempted to indulge in some playful ribbing at your expense, Twilight, what happened to you has proven that there is something to these 'toys' as you called them, yes?"

"I..." Twilight's head slumped as she trotted over to her throne and sat down, "You're right. Those foam darts are clearly capable of something but...but...ARGH!" She slammed her hooves on the table, "BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! I ran every test for magic, performed every examination for unusual abilities, everything that has ever been done and I'm certain I either invented new tests or rediscovered old ones, but none of them gave ANY results. None! It doesn't. Make. Sense!"

She popped out of existence and reappeared to slap one of the offending darts on the table, "This is a standard foam dart, made of polyurethane, an industrial product that is largely imported into Equestria as a form of foam filler and insulator. For these...weapons, they are an ammunition that is capped with a bright orange plastic cap and when fired from most of these weapons are capable of distances of 100 feet or more depending on the power of the springs and electric motors."

She popped out and back in to slap one of the weapons, unloaded, onto the table before her horn flashed to show a holographic image of the same weapon, only with all of the parts exploded outwards to show how it was constructed, "And this is one of the weapons in question. As you can see it's just nothing more than empty space with some mechanical parts of the ratchet-trigger mechanism and the spring that sends the dart flying by creating a powerful burst of air, a burst of air that shouldn't have the power to send the dart flying as far as it does!"

She looked at her friends with a serious expression, "And it's all made of plastic; bright, garish plastic and that same plastic is somehow, according to reports, able to withstand the kind of punishment that steel armour and weapons would be put through in the field. Plastic!"

Twilight glared at the weapon in front of her, "But you know what galls me the most girls? What really, really offends me about this? Absolutely nothing about this is magical. No gems, no inscriptions. Nothing." She slumped back in her seat, rubbing her forehead as she felt the headache from the hospital start to return, "So why, if everything so blatantly normal are these things capable of putting a pony in the hospital for nine hours?"

"Actually Twi," Applejack spoke up, "Your coma was extended, you hit Cabbage Patch's wagon pretty hard so the docs were concerned you had some kinda serious concussion. Spike says that usually a pony or whoever is hit by these things is only out for five hours, seven tops."

"Oh." Twilight deflated slightly, "That explains the x-rays then." She shook her head, "But that's not the point! The point is, how can polyurethane foam like what's used in cheap sofa cushions be capable of knocking someone out? Look." She teleported in an off-white block that landed on the table with a soft thump, "This is the exact same grade of polyurethane, down to the exact compounds and chemicals. Watch." Lifting it with her magic, Twilight unceremoniously tossed it at Pinkie's head, who giggled as the block bounced off her head without so much as a flinch.

"See?" Twilight pointed out, "Absolutely nothing. I'd even go as far as to say that Pinkie's head did more damage to the foam than it did to her!"

Everyone turned to look at Pinkie who held up the block to display an impression of her face in the block with a smile.

"Okay, that is actually impressive." Twilight conceded, "But still! Aren't any of you just the least bit worried about how this possible? I mean, what if this is something Discord did as a prank?"

"Nope!" Discord hollered as he walked out of a random door wearing a towel as steam billowed out before closing it, "And I'm not spoiling it either or getting involved! I'm on my contract-mandated vacation!" He opened another random door to the sounds of a raucous party, "Ladies and Gentlemen! Your god has arrived!" He kicked the door closed just as cheers erupted, leaving a pair of doors standing in the open room before they fell over with a bang.

"Huh, I thought every day was a vacation for that varmint?" Applejack muttered as she looked at the doors, one of them still trailing steam, before focusing back on Twilight, "But still, what's the big deal? Doesn't Princess Celestia know about how this stuff works?"

"That's the thing Applejack." Twilight sighed, "The Princess has no idea how the darts work and if what she told me in the original letter she sent is true, neither do the Griffons. The only person who has any idea about these...weapons and their ammo is the person who sold them to the Griffon Emperor! And I can't just ask for an appointment to see him!"

"Actually you can," Spike spoke up, "The Griffin Emperor is coming to Canterlot as part of some mutual law-enforcement conference between the Empire and Equestria."

"And how did you know that Spike?" Rainbow Dash asked with her head slightly cocked in confusion.

"Because Twilight marked it down so she could get a meeting with some of the Griffin delegates and learn about Griffin culture and stuff." Spike answered with a meaningful glance at Twilight, who blushed, "She wouldn't shut up about it for weeks until Princess Celestia sent the new Griffin weapons and ammo for study."

"Well, there we go then Twilight!" Rarity clapped her hooves together, "All we have to do is request a meeting with the Griffin Emperor, through Princess Celestia if need be, and we can clear this up with enough time to have a nice meal and do a little shopping. I hear the new Saddle Arabian fashions are in and I could use some new inspiration~"

Twilight Sparkle nodded, "Get ready for a trip girls, we have an Emperor to interview!"

Meanwhile...

The Sheriff of Shady Sands yawned as he leaned back in his chair, idly twirling his weapon in one hand as he spared a glance at the Minotaur in one of the cells, "Just can't stop causing trouble, can you Toro? You know, if you really want to be in a coma that badly, why not just have a boulder land on your head rather than visit me?"

"You think your toy can keep you safe, weakling?" The Minotaur bellowed, "Once I'm out, I'll-"

"And hold that thought," The Sheriff held up a finger as the door opened and a Griffin in full armour strode inside, "Good evening. How can I serve His Imperial Majesty?"

"The Emperor requires that you join him to help demonstrate some of the heavier weapons and answer questions at the Mutual Security Conference taking place in Canterlot. You will be relieved by a platoon of Imperial Guard until as such time as you return." The armored Griffin, a female, stated.

"Well, been a while since I've been on a business trip. I'll get packed." He stood up and approached the cell, as for you."

Toro's expression paled as the Sheriff raised his weapon, "Wait, you can't do this, I'm already a prisoner!"

"Oh, I know. But you piss me off Toro, so consider this an object lesson."

"WAIT!"

*SNAP!* *SNAP!* *SNAP!*

Author's Note

How big of an explosion should a NERF Missile cause I wonder? And yes, the missiles are re-usable, why wouldn't they be?

3: An Interview With An Emperor

It was a fine day in Canterlot as the train from Ponyville pulled into the station, allowing six mares and a young dragon to disembark and stretch their legs after the lazy train journey up, whereupon they witness a rather impressive sight.

Griffins, hundreds of them, flying in tight formations around a convoy of their massive airships, occasionally one group broke off to head into one of the massive gray and white goliaths, but another group was already taking their place as the airships finally came to a halt near Canterlot Castle, while on the ground, Pinkie Pie said what (mostly) everyone was thinking, "I want to put a swimming pool in one of those."

Okay, she wasn't thinking anything like the others.

What was being thought by Twilight Sparkle was a deluge of random trivia as her eyes traced the formations of Griffins and the aerial convoy.

'Those are the new Imperial-class Zeppelins announced in The Highland Call, the national newspaper of the Imperial Griffin Kingdoms, which means these are soldiers of the Imperial Army, which is composed of recruits from across the Aerie Highlands. all of them trained to be utterly loyal to the Imperial Throne in order to put down any rebellious kings or queens, and if that's the Imperial Army in the sky, along with one...two...five Imperial-class Zeppelins, which is half the fleet, that means that the Griffon Emperor is here for the conference and omigosh omigosh omigosh I am not ready, I haven't read up on Griffin etiquette when meeting the Emperor, I haven't read up on the language so I can give the proper greeting, I have to work entirely from memory...from a year ago! AAAAAAAAAAGH!'

*SPLASH!*

"CORNBREAD!" Twilight Sparkle screamed as the shock of the cold water hitting her face brought her back to reality and she looked around wildly, "I mean, I didn't do research!"

Her pupils shrank to tiny dots as she finally registered that she, and her friends were standing in front of Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, a lot of Griffins, a strange biped covered in clothing that wouldn't look out of place in Appleloosa, and a regal Griffin possessing mix of snow-white and grey head-feathers and wings, with a rather regal black cat's body dressed in the armoured finery of a Griffin noble wearing an ornate and likely heavy gold crown with serene but stony dignity.

And nearly everyone in the room was trying their best to stifle smiles, even the regal Griffin, who most certainly had to be Emperor Greywing The Seventeenth, had a certain twinkle in his otherwise steely gaze that showed his amusement.

The biped had no such compunctions as he started laughing, "BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! C-Cornbread! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Twilight's cheeks burned as her memory helpfully supplied her somehow heading straight to the throne room of Canterlot Castle and properly, correctly, and robotically giving all the correct greetings and respect due to a foreign ruler, and then just standing there for several minutes until the biped splashed her in the face with a bucket of water.

And he was still laughing as he walked off, bucket held loosely in one hand, "First time for everything! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Sleep-diplomacy! It'll be all the rage over in the Slyvanian Territories!" He left the room, his laughter echoing for several seconds until it finally faded while Twilight's face was now a deep and proper shade of red.

"I must apologize for the behaviour of the Sherrif of Shady Sands, Princess Celestia." The Griffin Emperor rumbled, "He has a...queer, sense of humor." As Princess Celestia nodded with her own smile, the Griffin Emperor turned back to Twilight Sparkle, "Now then, since you appear to have regained your senses, might I ask what place the Princess Of Friendship has in this conference?"

Twilight managed to clear her throat and speak, proud that her voice didn't crack from the embarrassment, "I came to the conference in my capacity as an expert charged by Princess Celestia to evaluate the new Griffin weapons for Equestria's own peace-keeping purposes. Unfortunately, my research has come to the point where I must ask some questions from you, Emperor Greywing."

Greywing held up a claw, which Twilight idly noted was festooned with rings, "And there I am afraid that I must decline. Not out of keeping secrets," He clarified as Twilight noted that Pinkie Pie was about to launch into some spiel about secret-keeping, "But because my government as well has no knowledge of the true workings of the weaponry."

Twilight's jaw dropped, before she managed to recover, "B-but...why?! Why would you introduce a weapon that you have no clue about with it's inner functions? Don't you realize how dangerous that is? What if this is all a plot to take over the world by some evil villain."

"Isn't that an Equestrian thing?" Someone in the host of Griffins piped up and ripple of chirping chuckles and giggles flowed through the room before the Griffin Emperor held up his ringed claw again to halt the laughter.

"T'is sad but true," Princess Luna commented idly, "Most villains seems to have a predilection for targeting Equestria above all other realms. A very strange fact." She shrugged, "Still, I doubt these weapons, plastic and foam that they are, pose much threat Twilight Sparkle, since the Griffins have had them for nigh-on two months and have suffered no ills for it."

"There you have it." The Griffin Emperor stated, "Furthermore, my empire's sole expert was about to speak about this topic-ah, he returns."

Twilight turned to see the biped who had splashed her with water returning with a swagger, "Sorry about that your Majesty, Princesses, had to return the bucket."

"It's quite all right." Princess Celestia smiled, "Now then, I believe you were about to reveal the secret of how these weapons worked?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, sure, whatever you want Princess." The biped responded casually, and Twilight's ears perked up as she automatically took a scroll and quill, "Now you gotta understand that this is all top-secret, okay? If even a word of this gets out to the public, we're finished." He looked around the room, before taking a deep breath, "Okay, the secret of the weapons is..."

Twilight leaned closer.

"It is..."

She leaned even closer,.

"It most definitely is..."

She was leaning at a wobbly angle now.

"I have no idea."

She fell over before springing to her feet, "WHAT!" The presence of the other two Princesses and the Griffin Emperor quite forgotten, her wings flared and she immediately jumped up to hover in front of the biped's face, "WHAT THE BUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE NO IDEA! AREN'T YOU THE EXPERT! HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY NOT KNOW HOW THESE WEAPONS WORK?"

The Biped was unperturbed, "Because I'm not involved in the manufacturing."

Twilight blinked, "What."

"I'm not involved in the manufacturing. My job apart from being the Sheriff of Shady Sands is to present the catalogues to His Imperial Majesty, haggle with the Imperial Treasury and then organising shipping from the warehouses to the Imperial Armory where they are distributed to the Imperial Army and Guard. I'm basically the logistics manager, I have no access to or knowledge of the manufacturing including the true secret of the Darts and Launchers."

Twilight's mouth worked silently as she attempted to digest the information while the Biped shook his head, "Sorry, but...if you want to find out, you'll have to go the manufacturer and speak with them. I can give you a location, and introduce you to one of the higher ups who should be able to answer your questions, but yeah...if you want to find out, you're going to have to cross the border and head to the main factory."

Twilight closed her eyes, inhaled, held the breath, and then slowly exhaled, "Okay, I can do that. Where is the manufacturer?"

The Biped told her and Twilight's eyes goggled in shock, "THAT'S IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OBSIDIAN JUNGLE WASTES!"

"Likely at the foot of or at the summit of Mount Nightmare, the world's tallest active volcano." Princess Luna further clarified, "I believe that was where Celestia and I slew the Greater Horror known as 'Cuddles' during our war with Discord."

"Actually we fought there twice, Sister." Celestia spoke up, "The second time was to slay his brother 'Barney' when it came for revenge."

"Ah yes, indeed. Quite lovely scenery even with the acid lakes and lava rivers."

"Yes, very lovely, the vistas were truly awe-inspiring."

Twilight shook her head, "So let me get this straight. The manufacturer is not only past the Aerie Highlands, but at the heart of the deadliest jungle in existence, one that not even Daring Do would travel through without backup, infested with monsters worse than that in the Everfree Forest and home to weather that is equally as worse. Why, in the name of all that is holy, good and righteous would anypony set up a company there?"

"Privacy." The Biped replied simply and at that moment Twilight's wings locked up from shock and she fell flat on her face, "Anyway, if you want to ask questions, the factory and corporate headquarters is there if you want to make the trip."

"Oh," Twilight responded, "I'm making the trip. And then, when I prove that these weapons are part of a conspiracy to conquer the world by some mad god, I expect you to be first in line to kiss my hooves and apologize for ever doubting me."

"I never doubted you." The Biped replied.

"What?" Twilight blinked.

"I never doubted you." The Biped reiterated, "Because I never gave a damn about your opinion. Good luck on your trip, Princess, you're gonna need it."

With that he headed over to the Emperor's entourage and leaned against the wall, leaving Twilight standing there with all eyes on her.

Finally, she coughed and put on a determined expression, "Well, I'd better go to get ready and get some real answers. Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Your Majesty." Bowing respectfully, Twilight left the room with her friends in tow, before the guards shut the doors with nary a whisper of sound.

"Is she gone?"

"Yes, she is. Now then, as you were about to explain?"

"Your Majesty?"

"Security cordon. Now."

"You have trained yon soldiers well. Our memory of Griffin martial prowess is still focused on more...tribal mannerisms."

"We have come a long way. Now then, Sheriff?"

"Right. Here's how they work, and here's why you must ensure the secret never gets out."

Author's Note

This is not character bashing. Nor will there be. But someone needs to be the fall guy and straight man in this misadventure. Too bad Twilight got the short straw.