Summoned

by Nosfrat

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Anon, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Comedy, Romance, Random, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life
Length: 11462

Anonymous is summoned by Twilight's magical map thingy. She sends him off to Canterlot to investigate, and possibly change the fate of Equestria... but probably not.

Anonymous is summoned by Twilight's magical map thingy. She sends him off to Canterlot to investigate, and possibly change the fate of Equestria... but probably not.

Contains: Anon, Aryanne, Celestia, Flutterrape, alcohol, politics, science, other stupid stuff and more references than ever. Or perhaps just as many.

This story is written in the second person. Teen for language, some themes and mild sexual stuff.

Published 2016-06-15 20:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-06-15 20:40:01 UTC

Summoned

Author's Note

This story is as random as they come. It shares a couple of similarities with one of my others, The Twilight Chronicle (don't read it, seriously), but hopefully it's not as bad.

It does contain some romance, but unlike most of my other stories, it doesn't really focus much on it, it's more of a random, stupid slice of life kind of thing.

That feel when I spent half of my birthday writing about cartoon ponies.

Summoned

You step outside, close your eyes and take a deep whiff of the clean, pure Equestrian air. The weather is almost always nice here. Even though it hasn't rained in months, the air doesn't feel too dry. Apparently, rain isn't needed until next month or something. The ecosystem here is strange, but then it's controlled by small magical horses, so you figured it would be. You don't think you'll ever figure any of this out, at this point you just accept Equestria and everything about it as 'weird', and leave it at that.

Simply looking at the Sun, you try and comprehend the fact that it's being moved by a goddess horse. Honestly, take a minute to try and wrap your mind around that shit. The same goddess horse who blushed when you petted her the first time you saw her.

You really couldn't help it, these ponies are already too cute not to pet, but her? You wonder if she would be okay with you cuddling her. Perhaps not in public, but one day you'll cuddle the fuck out of that white horse.

Lost in your thoughts, you end up remembering that you stepped outside for a reason, and resume (or rather, start) your short trek to Twilight Sparkle's crystal castle thingy. Architecture is another thing you just can't figure out about this land. From what you've been told, this castle wasn't built, but magically appeared after that centaur dude fucked her library up with a kamehameha or something. Twilight told you about the fight, but to you it just sounded like your average action anime. At least you suppose so, you've never really watched an action anime.

Eventually you find yourself in front of the castle, and knock on the door. A small dragon opens it and greets you as you kneel down to shake his claw. You always liked Spike, he's a good kid. It's kinda disappointing to see the ponies raising him to be a total fuckboy, honestly. He's a dragon and he's being treated like a bitch by brightly colored small horses. Something about that just irks you. Especially since he's one of the only males around. You wish you could do something for him, but your methods would no doubt be too radical for those pastel ponies.

At least they're cute. You have yet to meet a single pony who isn't cute in some way.
After another two minutes of zoning out and reflecting on your time here in Equestria, you decide to get a move on and walk up to the throne room. Multi-throne room, you suppose, since there's a throne for everyone. Except you, for some reason. As far as you're concerned, you deserve a throne, if not only as the unofficial ambassador of the human race.
Map room would be a better name for it though, as the main feature of this room is the giant magical/holographic map of Equestria. This is some Iron Man 2 shit right there.

Twilight Sparkle is sitting on her throne, looking at you like you just entered the room by punching through the wall with your dick or something. Does she not remember asking you to come by? Something about that map, and how it had summoned you or whatever. She explained a couple of things about the map when you first arrived here, but even if you could understand any of it, you wouldn't have bothered paying any attention. It's all magic bullshit nonsense anyway.

Twilight is a princess though, and that's the main reason why you're currently here. And also because you're bored, so you'll take any opportunity to leave your home and do something. For someone coming from a world like Earth, there is very little in the way of entertainment in Equestria.

At this point, you both acknowledge each other's presence in formal terms.

"Hi, Anon. How are you?"

"Hey Twilight. I'm good, you?"

"I'm fine. Now, I know you don't understand magic too well, so I'll make this short and to the point."

"Yeah, please do."

She clears her throat. "The map called for you."

You snort. "Yeah, that's why I'm here. What I'd like to know is, how can a map call anyone, especially me? Last time I checked, I didn't have a tattoo on my ass."

"I know, but-"

"Here, look for yourself," you say as you drop your pants and turn around. You hear her snort, and turn back to face her. Her expression is unreadable, you're honestly not sure if she's thinking 'we're all naked all the time, it's no big deal' or 'okay, okay, I understand why you wear clothes now, please stop'.

You pull your pants back up and cross your arms, waiting for her to actually explain something to you. She mentions the day you arrived, and how the map showed your location with a green question mark. According to her, that's how she found you. You remember that day very well, you woke up in the middle of some dense forest with a tiny purple horse prodding you. A sentient, English-speaking tiny purple horse with a horn and wings who also happened to be a princess.

As she recounts the events of your arrival, you play them out in your head. You remember every detail pretty vividly, which only pisses you off more. Why do you remember asinine shit like how individual blades of grass felt under your soles, yet you can't remember anything that actually matters, such as how the hell you got transported into another dimension?

"-and so I think it would be in everypony's best interest if you just went and investigated the area."

What is she even talking about? You were lost in your memories, you kinda filtered her out.

"Anon, did you even hear anything I said?"

You shrug. "Sure, why not."

She glares at you. "What did I say?"

"Uh... magic book magic Princess Celestia book book friendship magic hayburger book magic?"

Nailed it.

She sighs and rubs her face with a hoof, before pointing at what appears to be Canterlot on the map. "Do you see this?"

You glance at a green question mark hovering above the area. "Yeah... so this is the map's way of calling for me?"

"Yes."

"You guys could have invented the telephone or something, goddamn."

"The what? Anon, I'm trying to explain something important to you."

"Whatever. You said that was also what it showed the day I arrived here, right?"

"Yes, so?"

"So, how can you be sure that it's not simply another Anon who arrived in Equestria?"

She gives you a blank stare. "Another Anon?"

"Yes," you clarify, "we are legion."

"Huh?" she cocks her head.

"You should have expected us."

"Anon," she groans, "I'm trying to be serious here."

"That's your secret, purple. You're always serious."

"Well, be serious too!" she retorts. "I mean, aren't you an adult? You're a big guy-"

"For you."

Suddenly, the door bursts open and a pink horse enters the room. "Nonny, can you please stop with the terrible references?"

Before you or Twilight can react, she's gone. You shudder at the very thought of this pony. Her reality breaking 'powers' terrify you on a level you have yet to fully comprehend.

You let a few moments pass, before Twilight clears her throat, her face one of annoyance rather than one of fear.

"Seriously, though. How can you be sure that it's not another human?"

"I can't, but that's also why you're going to go and investigate."

You roll your eyes. "Fine, but gimme some bits."

She frowns. "Anon, you're really going to have to find a job at some point. I know Princess Celestia was generous enough to give you a house and a small monthly allowance, but it won't last forever. Sooner or later, you'll have to start making a living for yourself."

You frown as well. "I wish I could, but what can I do? I don't have a tattoo on my ass, which means that in the eyes of ponies, I can't do anything, at least not professionally. I mean sure, I can do odd jobs around town, I've been doing that for the past few months. I climbed trees for the element of hat, baked for the element of cocaine, sewed for the element of darling, fed animals for the element of rape and even sorted books for the element of autism, but I don't-"

A book to the face silences you, at least temporarily. You take a moment to remember that you couldn't really do anything for the element of sanic.

"I can't, Twi. I can't make a living out of this. This is basically me doing friends a favor, and they give me a couple of bits for my trouble."

She considers your words. Ponies tend to think that you're perfectly capable of doing anything on your own, and that nothing troubles you. They think of you as this tall, hairless ape who eats meat, swears every two words and never appears to care about anything. Even though you do have a cynical, 'I don't give a fuck' attitude, sometimes you're confused, troubled, and even scared.

For the first time, Twilight seems to realize that. You really are helpless in that regard, you simply can't find a proper job in a world where your résumé has to be tattooed on your ass.

"Alright, fine. Here, two hundred bits. Make them count, because life in Canterlot isn't cheap."

"Only two hundred? Oy vey!"

You're gonna have to make do with it, though. Perhaps you can try and stop by that griffon restaurant you went to once and get yourself a real meal? That whole vegetarian thing isn't doing it for you.

"Just remember Anon, whatever is happening might not seem apparent. You'll probably have to hang around the area for a bit. Just hang around, and be yourself."

You take a moment to imagine yourself being yourself in the middle of the crowded streets of Canterlot.
That's probably not a good idea.

"Alright, so after I find whatever it is I have to find, if I find it, that is, what do I do?"

"I trust you'll know what to do."

"And if I don't?"

"You will."

"What about the extremely likely case in which I fucking don't?"

"Have some faith, Anon."

You shake your head. "Only the word of Allah is acceptable."

"What?"

"Nothing. Later, purple."

You turn around and walk outside the throne room, humming a nasheed.

You are Roseluck, and goddamn, your customers are annoying.

"Don't you have anything more... romantic?" the stallion asks after checking yet another type of flower.

You sigh, pointing at a nearby shelf. "There's always the red rose."

He shakes his head. "No way, it's too... classic. I want to show her that she's unique in my eyes, you know what I mean?"

You sigh again. Why do they always have to be hard? As much as you love your job, a flower is a flower. Nevertheless, you reach behind your counter and bring up a small green flower in a cute little pot. "How about this one? It represents hope, and it is said that its smell can bring your desires to life."

The stallion reaches for it and takes a deep whiff. He shakes his head, before briefly glancing outside at the strange creature walking around with a hand on his crotch.

"LA ILAHA ILLALLAH MUHAMMAD RASULULLAH"

Your customer glances back at the flower, blinks twice very fast and places it back on the counter. "I think I'll take the rose instead."

You are Anon again and you just arrived at the train station. Canterlot isn't on the other side of Equestria, but it still isn't within walking distance. Which is fine by you, since you don't particularly enjoy walking.

You board the train and sit next to a white mare with a blonde mane. She looks pretty cute... cuter than most other ponies, you'd dare say. You wish you could cuddle that.

You briefly catch a glimpse of her butt as she shifts around on her seat, and raise a good three and a half eyebrows at her cutie mark. You've seen weird shit magically tattooed on ponies' asses, but a fucking swastika inside a heart? That's some next level buttmarking.
That doesn't make her any less cute, however. You'd still like to cuddle that.

That feel.

After over an hour of talking to a small white horse, you both came to the conclusion that Hitler did nothing wrong, but that's neither here nor there.
You have work to do, and after hailing victory one last time, you get out of the train car and start walking towards the castle. You were here mere weeks ago, yet it feels like it's been ages. It's as beautiful as it was the first time, though. You don't know the layout of the city at all, but the area the map showed was located west of the castle.

Said castle is visible from practically anywhere inside the city, so simply walking towards it should get you where you need to go easily enough. You really wonder what you're going to find.
You're basically a walking magic repellent, yet some magical map that usually calls the Elements of Harmony to save Equestria has summoned you.
You, of all people. Er, ponies.

Are you destined to save Equestria? Your father always said that you would amount to nothing, but that'll show him. You're going to save the world!

Now if you could only figure out where the fuck you are. It seemed clear enough on the map, but as you look around you, all you see is a bunch of small horses walking around. Some of them even stare at you like they've never seen anything like you before.
Which is fine, because they haven't.

You walk around and look through windows, in back alleys, basically everywhere you can think of. According to Twilight, it may not seem apparent at first glance but you'll know what you're looking for when you see it. You think that's what she told you. Fuck, it was like two hours ago and you don't even remember. That's how little you cared, it seems.
Eventually you end up in front of a bar, hungry, bored and without a clue as to what you're supposed to be doing anymore.

Twilight said that you should hang around the area and be yourself, right?
You enter the bar and take a seat on a small horse stool. It's really uncomfortable, and trying to adjust your ass only causes you to fall, nearly crushing a little pony in the process.

"Scheiße!"

du was m8

You turn around and see the nazi pony from the train. Was she following you? Nah, you've been walking in circles for a while now.
Heh, no matter anyway.

You briefly wave at her and get back up, deciding that you're just fine with standing up. You also order a double whiskey and a sandwich. And by sandwich you mean, you argue with the bartender for ten minutes before coming to the conclusion that the only sandwich the bar serves that a human can digest is two slices of bread with nothing inside. Such is the life of Anonymous in horse world.

Food can wait anyway, you'll hit that griffon place later tonight.

You hear something behind you and a stool being pulled. You don't really pay it much attention, choosing to finish your second double whiskey instead. You probably shouldn't be getting drunk, but Twilight did tell you to be yourself. Getting drunk is about as yourself as it gets.

You hear some more commotion to your left and decide to finally take a look. A large alicorn is sitting next to you, a mug of cider levitating in her golden magical aura. What is the princess doing in such a dump? Okay, it's not really a dump, but you still wouldn't expect royalty to show up here. And judging from the patrons' expressions, neither would they.

Celestia is just sitting there, ignoring the confused glances of her little ponies. Politeness isn't your forte, but maybe you should at least acknowledge her presence. You turn to face her, and fall off again.

Fuck, you weren't even sitting this time! Are you already that drunk? Just how strong is this stuff?

You ignore the princess' muffled gigglesnort as you scramble back to your feet, using her thigh as leverage not to fall again. The ground is treacherous today.
Celestia instantly goes red and stops breathing for a few seconds, but you're oblivious to that, instead you look at her and wait until she stops being two ponies.
Your eyes finally focus on her, and you crack a killer smile.

"Hey, 'sup?"

Classy. Maybe you could ask her if she wants sum fuk.

"Anonymous. How are you?"

You take a few seconds, carefully thinking about your answer. How exactly are you?

"Drunk?" you finally blurt out.

She nods.
Fuck, she's so cute. In your current state, you simply can't resist it. You wrap your arms around her neck, and you hug the fuck out of that horse. You groan happily as you bury your face into her warm, soft fur. Goddamn this feels heavenly. Maybe that was your calling. You were sent here to hug ponies, and that's your special talent.

You're gonna be the Element of-

"Ahem." The bartender looks uncomfortable as he gives you your third drink of the day (or maybe night by now).

You grunt, letting go off Celestia and pushing the glass away. Yeah, you're not usually one to turn down a drink, but you've clearly had enough. You don't know what's in this stuff but it's fucking brutal.

A strong sense of apprehension suddenly seizes you. What you just did was probably not appropriate. Like, really not fucking appropriate at all. You look at Celestia in shame, but oddly enough she doesn't look angry. Or displeased. In fact, she's wearing a perfect poker face. Which makes sense, you guess. She's been in politics for thousands of years.

Maybe you should apologize, though.

"Uh..." you try to find words, which is hard enough in your current state. "I'm sorry, Princess."

She just nods without making eye contact. At this point you're starting to worry you might have just broken her. You reach into your pocket and pay for your drinks, muttering something about shekels, and stumble your way to the door. As you figured it would be, it's night outside. You take one last glance inside, and wave. "Good night, Princess."

You really hope you're not gonna get in trouble for that, but for now you need to find somewhere to sleep this booze off. You walk around for a few minutes before finding a small wooden bench. You let yourself fall onto it and promptly pass out.

You wake up to the rays of the Sun with a splitting headache, groggily trying to prop yourself up. You fail horribly and groan loudly, wishing you could die right now to escape the horror that comes with a proper hangover. After what feels like an eternity, you manage to sit up and spot a bunch of ponies across the street. You slowly get up and make your way over there, wondering what's the commotion about.

The ponies are actually royal guards, and a quick glance over their heads reveals that they're all gathered around a sleeping Celestia.

What the fuck is going on? You prod a little guard horse, who turns around and stares at you coldly. "What the fuck is going on?"

"Back away, ape."

"That's racist," you remark, frowning and moving him aside. You literally pick him up from in front of you, and place him back down next to you. That's how light these ponies are. Before he can even react, you speak. "What the hell is the princess doing here, and why are you morons standing in a circle?"

That little horse's death glare is serious. For a little horse, that is.

"We are protecting Princess Celestia."

"No, you're not. You're awkwardly standing in place not doing shit."

"We-"

He shuts up when you kneel and prod Celestia with a finger. You trail the same finger down her cheek, softly murmuring to her. "Hey, Princess..."

She slowly rouses from her sleep, her glazed over eyes focusing on you after a few moments. "Anonymous?"

"Hey there."

"Where am I?" she asks, looking around in confusion.

"Some back alley in Canterlot, it appears."

She looks at her guards who are still just standing around, being useless in general.

"What am I doing here?"

"I was hoping you'd tell me," you say, wondering how a pony like Celestia could have found herself in such a situation without a clue as to what happened. You're pretty sure she can't even get drunk with her alicorn metabolism.

She remains quiet, a look of confusion visible on her face as she tries to remember what could have possibly happened to her.

"Are you even alright?" you ask, a hint of worry in your voice. "You seem a bit bruised."

She's basically a goddess, you remember. As far as you know, she's immortal, or at the very least ageless. You didn't think she could even get hurt.

She slowly manages to get up to her hooves, standing a little over five feet tall. You can tell from the look on her face that she's not used to conversing with another living being without looking down. And quite frankly, after spending nearly three months in Ponyville, you're no longer used to that either. The majority of ponies are at eye level with your dick. Which is perfectly fine, as far as you're concerned.

"Anonymous," she asks, her legs a little wobbly, "would you mind escorting me to the castle?"

You raise an eyebrow before looking around. There are at least ten royal guards decked out in golden armor, yet you're the one she asks for an escort?

Celestia brushes a wing against your arm, and gazes into your eyes. "Please?"

Hell, you can't possibly say no to such a cutie. You start walking alongside her, ignoring the angry guards trying to glare a hole into your back.

"You know, Princess..."

"Yes?"

"Gold armor is fucking stupid."

She stops walking, turning her head to face you. When she says nothing, you continue.

"It's heavy as shit, and it's a soft metal. I mean, this is probably one of the worst materials you can possibly make an armor out of."

She seems to consider your words. "Gold armor is traditional, though."

"I understand that, but armor is supposed to protect you. If it's going to be of little protection, it should at least be lightweight. On the other hand, if it's going to be heavy, it might as well be very tough. Gold is like, the worst of both worlds."

You're not sure why you're bothering with that, you doubt ponies even need armor. You don't think murder is a thing here. Hell, you'd wager that not a single guard has ever used his spear with the intent to kill, or even injure. It's just here to appear intimidating.

Celestia remains silent as the two of you enter the castle, earning some stares from a couple of ponies along the way. You're a mess, and Celestia isn't faring much better. You really wonder what happened to her.

She makes her way to what appears to be her bedroom, as indicated by the giant fucking sun engraved on the golden door. What's with these royal ponies and gold? The lowest unit of currency, the bit, is basically a pure gold coin. That means gold is not valuable, nor is it seen as precious. It looks pretty but that's about it.

You follow the mare into her room, closing the door behind you. She sits on her bed, letting out a heavy sigh.
Is this the part where she rapes you?

"Anon..."

You awkwardly sit next to her.

"I need your help."

Oh fuck. Is she in heat or something?
No, dammit, she would never ask you to do something like that. Fluttershy just made you paranoid.

"Yesterday, after you left the bar, I..."

You feel guilty for various reasons as she stares blankly at the wall in front of her.

"I was assaulted."

Assaulted? You dread to imagine what kind of creature can assault an immortal alicorn who possesses the power to move two octillion tons of plasma in her sleep.

"Have you ever heard of changelings?"

"Yeah, Twilight told me about her brother's wedding."

She shakes her head. "You see, after you left, I followed you. I feared for you, in your intoxicated state you could have gotten hurt, or even worse."

Not really, crime doesn't exist here. Unless you consider stealing cupcakes or something a crime. Well, you could have hurt yourself, that happened before.
At least, that means she cares about you. Well, she cares about all her subjects. Probably not more about you than any other.

"Sitting at a table behind us in the bar was a white Earth mare with a blonde mane. Perhaps you've seen her?"

"Ja."

She blinks. "Anyway, as I was following you, she came to me and asked me for help. While the well-being of my subjects is of paramount importance to me, it was the first time I ever had a pony simply walk up to me in the street to ask something of me."

You shrug. "Maybe she's like me? I mean, I can't be the only creature on this planet who never really gives a shit."

"Before I could say anything, she conjured up a small can and sprayed something into my face."

You raise an eyebrow. "How did she conjure anything up? She's an Earth pony."

"Hence why I mentioned changelings."

You frown, before putting a hand to your chin. "What did she spray you with?"

"Some kind of powerful magic inhibitor, I believe. Before I could react, she was gone. When I tried to scan the area for any latent trace of magic, I couldn't find any. Not because there wasn't any, but because my own magic wasn't working. I was starting to feel weak, and I only remember stumbling around, feeling increasingly tired, so I suppose I must have passed out in that alley."

And you thought you had a bad night.

"So, we slept like ten meters away from each other? I passed out on the bench across the street myself."

She looks at you and smiles weakly. "I'm really worried, Anonymous. I feel weak and I can't use my magic anymore."

"Well, I'm not feeling too hot either. I feel like my head is about to go supernova, and I'm trying hard not to vomit my fucking entrails out."

"Considering what you drank, it's quite impressive for you to only feel mild discomfort."

You stare at her. "Mild discomfort?"

"Anon, you drank nearly a liter of one eighty proof alcohol."

What.
Seriously, what. What kind of whiskey has ninety percent alcohol by volume, and who serves twenty-five centiliter shots? And how did you even not notice the quantity, or the sheer strength such a drink should have had? Maybe it was magically sweetened or some shit? Magic seems to be a passable answer to just about everything around here.

You suppose that in this case, yes, you're lucky to even be alive, or at least not in a coma. You also guess that this was the reason why it was so expensive. You've had two drinks, and you only have about twenty bits left. You knew life in Canterlot was expensive, but this is just ridiculous.

"Are you alright?" she asks in a motherly tone.

"Yeah, I'm just... you know, still getting used to this strange world. No offense."

"None taken," she nods. "Twilight told me about the things you told her, about your world... Earth, right? It does seem quite different in some aspects."

'In some aspects.'

">implying"

She scrunches her face. Holy shit she's cute. You can't resist this time either, and wrap an arm around her neck. This time though, she reacts and unfurls one of her wings, wrapping it around you. It feels nice. You rub your cheek against her, and fuck you want a pillow made out of whatever she's made of.

"How are you so fucking soft and fluffy and goddamn this feels amazing fuck."

You didn't mean to say that out loud, but she doesn't seem to mind. After a while, she gently pushes you away and looks into your eyes. "Anon, I'm scared."

"Scared of what, Celestia?"

She calls you Anon, you might as well call her Celestia. You're gonna wait a bit before going for 'Tia', though.

"I've lived my whole life with magic. I use it all the time, not even consciously in most instances. I've been without it for a few hours, and I already feel completely and utterly useless."

Well, that is entirely untrue, and you're planning on letting her know.

"You don't need magic to be the cutest, softest, fluffiest fucking horse I ever hugged."

You never really had a way with words, but she doesn't seem to mind that either. "I must say, you have a very personal way of addressing royalty."

Yeah, judging from her tone, she's definitely fine with it.

You suddenly realize something. "Wait... if you can't use your magic, how comes the Sun is up?"

She looks away in guilt. "Anon... the Sun is... the Sun. It's a gigantic ball of gas burning millions of miles away, orders of magnitude larger than even my immortal mind can fathom. Surely you never believed a simple living being like me had the power to move it, or even affect it in any way... right?"

What the hell.

"So, that means... you've been lying about raising and setting it for thousands of years?"

She stays silent, still not making eye contact.

"What about when Nightmare Moon attacked? Twilight told me about it, there was no sunrise that day."

"It was just an illusion, Anon. Magic, light bending spells, pretty advanced stuff but nothing my sister couldn't figure out after a whole millennium to think about it. In fact, had you been there, you would have seen the Sun high in the sky."

"Why?" you simply ask.

"Because you're immune to our magic."

"No, I mean, why the lie? I'm pretty sure not a single creature had ever considered the possibility of a living being moving a star before you claimed you could do just that, so it's not like you were forced to pretend. Why going through all that trouble just to lie about something that, when you really think about it, doesn't even matter?"

She sighs and tilts her head to face you. "Back then, I wasn't the kind and fair ruler I became over the millennia. I was young, I was hungry for power and I didn't treat my subjects with the respect they deserved. Having them believe that I could control the Sun, with everything that implies, was a great way to keep them in line, and... scared."

Damn. For a pretty pony princess in a magical world, she seems to have a rather dark past. Well, dark by Equestrian standards, that is.

"So why didn't you come clean once you became the pony you are today, respected by all for who you are, and not what you could do to them if they misbehave?"

"You can't exactly 'come clean' after lying for millennia, Anon."

You reckon she has a point, but it's not like you would know about that.

"I need to go to the Canterlot archives. I'm not sure what I was assaulted with, but it must be documented somewhere."

"Are you sure it was a changeling?"

"I can't be sure, but it's the only possible explanation I can think of."

"Aren't you more concerned about why she did that, rather than how to get rid of it?"

Realization dawns on her, and you mentally scold yourself.

"Hey, don't worry. There are three fully operational alicorn princesses, and the Elements. If there's a new changeling invasion, we'll be ready for 'em."

She smiles weakly. "Thanks, but I don't think we could-"

"Nah, nah. I truly mean it. Look, Luna has dark magic that rivals yours in power, Twilight has all kinds of magic that probably exceed yours, Cadance can't possibly fall for the same bullshit a second time, and you also have me, who's immune to ma-"

Oh fuck.

"Anon? What's wrong?"

"You said that since Nightmare Moon's eternal night was an illusion, I would have seen right through it, right?"

"Yes, you'd have seen the Sun and the world would have been bathed in daylight, as it always is during the day."

"But I saw this mare yesterday."

"The changeling?"

"No, I saw her as an Earth pony. If she had been a changeling in disguise, I would have seen her in her true form, right?"

"Not necessarily. Let me explain. What we ponies refer to as magic is generally unicorn magic, but there are many different kinds of magic. Nothing proves that you're immune to changeling magic, or any other kind. For all we know, a simple potion could have its intended effect on you."

And there goes your confidence. You thought you were immune to magic, but instead you're immune to one kind of magic. You know, the kind used by the small squishy horses who can't possibly under any kind of circumstance ever be a threat? Yeah, that kind. As opposed to the kind used by villains who could actually fuck you up with it.

Celestia is looking even worse now... shit.

"Hey, it's gonna be alright," you tell her, taking her hoof in your hand and stroking it gently.

"Anonymous... I'm nearly four thousand years old. While I appreciate what you're trying to do, surely you can't expect me to believe that things are going to be fine."

Figures, even a pastel horse calls your bluff. You were always shit at poker.

"Nah, seriously. We're gonna find something to do, I'll go back to Ponyville and talk to Twilight or something, we'll figure something out, I promise."

She doesn't look convinced.

"Look, if there's one thing we humans are good at, it's fucking each other up. If changelings want a fight, they'll get a fight alright."

She briefly looks up. "Twilight did briefly mention how well versed your species is in... war."

Time to impress her with your knowledge of how much many members of your species suck at being productive and working together and generally not being a bunch of self-centered idiots.

"Yeah... how many ponies live in Ponyville?"

She cocks her head. "I don't know? I'd say about a hundred, why?"

You do some quick math.

"You see, the last time we had a global war back on Earth, it lasted six years and about seventy million lives were lost."

Her face drains of all color. Which is a feat in itself, considering her coat is already a pristine white.

"That's the equivalent of losing all of Ponyville's population over three hundred times over."

She inches closer to you, in what you can only assume is morbid curiosity.

"Every day."

The look on horror on her face is comical at this point.

"For six years."

She's reverted back to her blank expression. Maybe you broke her again?

Eventually shaking herself out of it, she clears her throat. "I don't think that's relevant to how a war would play out in Equestria, though. Is it?"

"Probably not," you admit.

She lets out a relieved breath, but you know she's still worried.

"You know what, I'm gonna go and find that mare."

"Anon? You can't be serious, what if she-"

"I sat next to her yesterday in the train, we talked for over an hour. She seemed friendly enough to me, and even if she was just pretending, there's no way she can possibly suspect me of being onto her."

"Are you sure about this? It could be dangerous, it could-"

"Yeah, it's fine, I promise. You know why I came to Canterlot in the first place, right?"

She nods. "Twilight messaged me. That's also how I knew where to find you yesterday."

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry I drunk-cuddle-raped you."

She gives you an earnest smile. "Don't be, I enjoyed it. Even though doing that in public may have been... er, how can I put it?"

"Fucking stupid?" you suggest.

She nods. So maybe you do have a way with words, just in your own way.

"So you think the map sent me here to stop a changeling invasion?"

"Maybe. That thing is cryptic at best, nothing about it was ever documented. Nopony knows much about it."

You scratch your chin. "Now that I think about it, the whole green question mark thing should have hinted at the fact that there are types of magic out there that can interact with me."

She nods sagely.

"Anyway, I'm out. You should go check the Canterlot archives or whatever it's called, I'm gonna go and find Aryanne."

"Aryanne?"

"Yeah, she said it was her name."

"Anon... does that sound like the name of a pony to you?"

"Honestly, yes."

She shakes her head. "Just... don't get hurt."

"Don't worry. If you don't mind, I'll come back later today, alright?"

"Please do. But I implore you, be careful. Changelings are the embodiment of lies and deception."

"Humans are probably better at both."

You walk away confidently, leaving a worried Celestia behind. Now hopefully you can find that changeling or whatever it is, and end this shit before it even beings. You might be burdened with glorious purpose, but in the end all you really want to do is go home and have a drink.

You walk into the bar. She was here yesterday, maybe she's a regular? She rode the train from Ponyville to here, though. Where does she live?

Either way, you need a drink. Not of the alcoholic kind, though. It's too early for that...

...meh, who are you kidding? It's just that you don't have a fucking cent left. Only fruit juice for you, and even that cost you your last twenty bits.

Oh man, that sound. That sound your bits don't make in your pockets. You know, because they ain't fucking there anymore. You're pretty sure the bartender is rubbing his hooves whenever you're not looking.

After about half an hour, you hear the door open and see a familiar mare trot to her table in the back. You get up and walk towards her, taking a seat next to her.

"Hey there."

She smiles at you. "Hey Anon. How are you?"

"Better than I was yesterday, that's for sure."

The two of you chat for a bit before you decide to make your move.

"Say, Aryanne, what's your story? I know we talked quite a bit in the train yesterday but, where are you from? Ponyville?"

You never saw her around town but you never really went outside, either. Any time you did, it was with a particular goal, you never walked around town just for the hell of it.

"Yes, I moved there about a year ago, but I mostly keep to myself. Ponies aren't too... well, understanding of my ways."

Her ways.
She's successfully infiltrated pony society, yet she's dumb enough to let on that she wants to take over Equestria?

You're not sure how to handle this conversation, so you'll just say the first thing that comes to mind.

"Yeah, well, you know. Ponies aren't too open-minded."

"I know, right? It's like I'm the only pony in Equestria who realizes how much better it would be if everything was ruled by unicorns!"

That's a shit tier, asinine fucking opinion if you ever heard one.

"By unicorns?"

"Yeah! They can do magic, magic is a clear indicator that they are superior, and therefore the only race worthy of living in Equestria."

"But you're not a unicorn. You do realize that, right?"

She frowns. "I'm a unicorn at heart. Unicorn dominion is my idea, if I make it happen I have no doubts they'll treat me as one of their own."

Either she's a complete moron, or an absolute genius. Because there's no way in hell anypony could even begin to consider the possibility of her being a changeling.

You remember that she attacked Celestia, though.

"And what about alicorns? Wouldn't they be the supreme race?"

Her frown deepens. "There are only three of them."

Really? She lived in Ponyville for a year and doesn't know about Twilight? You could understand if she still had that tree library she always talks about, after all you wouldn't expect royalty to live in such a place, but that huge fucking castle? And you thought you were a shut-in...

You really can't figure this mare out, but at this point you're inclined to believe that she's just a regular pony who got her hooves on some weird magic and used it on Celestia because... well, that's what you're trying to find out.

"So, you hate them for being superior?"

"THEY'RE NOT FUCKING SUPERIOR!" she screams, slamming her hooves against the table.

That basically answers your question, especially since ponies almost never swear.

"...sorry for that, it's just... you know, when somepony gets something that you really want, simply because they are the way they are. They haven't worked for it, and sometimes they don't even want it, yet they get it and you don't."

"Yes," you simply reply. After all, that is a feel you are quite intimate with.

"That stupid princess... when I saw you yesterday, I couldn't help myself. I had to."

You can't even find a question mark to express all the what you're currently feeling. You choose to nurse your glass of orange juice while she looks away in a mixture of sadness, anger and... longing?

"I had to, you understand?"

"No. I don't actually know what you're talking about."

"What am I talking about?" she fumes. "WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?"

You're not sure if it's a good call, but you elect to remain as calm and collected as you can.

"Yes, that's what I'm asking. What are you talking about?"

She takes a deep breath, trying hard to calm herself down.

"I enter the place, you nearly crush me and don't even talk to me."

That's true. Wow, you're a piece of shit, all things considered. Nothing you didn't already know, though.

"She enters the place, and within minutes, you're... with her. IN PUBLIC!"

In your defense, you were drunk. Also, she was fucking soft, and warm, and cuddly, and ravishing, and-

No, stop it. You're starting to sound like that old horsefucker who always rants about his shit tier Rapidash before he finally gives you a damn rare candy.
Yes, in the best games you get a rare candy.

Now that you think about it though, Aryanne could be as soft and cuddly as Celestia. But considering the conversation the two of you had was about the eventuality of releasing a harmful gas to be inhaled by the members of a specific religious and ethnic group, in hopes of starting an immediate and destructive conflict between said group and others...

gas the kikes race war now

Yeah, cuddling wasn't exactly on your mind during the time you spent with her. And if her tone is anything to go by, public cuddling is definitely not appropriate.

"...nopony has ever cuddled me."

What the fuck.

No.

You will not let such a sacrilege go unrectified.

Ignoring her yelp of surprise as you grab her, you sit her in your lap, wrapping your arms around her and nuzzling her cheek with your own. You tell her you're sorry for yesterday. You tell her she's a pretty pony. You tell her she's cute, and that you'll cuddle her anytime she wants.

And the best thing? You don't even have to lie.

After a while, you're just holding her as she lies there, a happy, softly breathing bundle of relaxed pone. Which reminds you, there's another equally white and cute pone in the castle who must be in dire need of relaxation. You can provide her with that, in the form of the good news you now have for her. You gotta go back to the castle, since you pretty much just established that Aryanne wasn't a changeling. In theory she could have made up a persona and be that good in the role, but really, you know she's not.

So yeah, crisis averted, you've done your job and saved Equestria.
You don't think you ever felt anything so underwhelming, it's quite sad.

One thing remains unanswered, though. You don't know if jealousy alone was enough to justify it, but you have to know what she sprayed into Celestia's face. Since the map said you should be yourself, and yourself tends to be a blunt motherfucker, you'll just ask directly.

"Aryanne."

She looks at you with that unbelievably cute expression of mild surprise with wide eyes and goddamn this is weapons grade cuteness. But you are Anonymous, you care not for such tricks.

You care immensely.

"What did you spray on the princess?"

She stares at you for a moment, and you realize that her poker face is strong. Eventually she relents, hanging her head in shame.

"I was jealous. I had a little too much to drink, I couldn't think straight and I was very angry at her for... you know. Getting cuddled, by you."

"So, what did you do?"

"I sprayed poison joke in her face."

Poison joke?
You've heard of poison joke. Some weird plant with a prank/acid trip kind of deal going on. You're not sure you have the slightest grasp on what the fuck it does, though. You always thought you were immune to everything magic, so you never bothered to pay attention when Twilight lectured you about things. So, she ground it into water or made it into a tea or whatever, and sprayed it on Celestia's face? You think you remember Twilight telling you that the effects were different for everypony, so apparently for Celestia it nullified her magic. All she needs to do is to take a bath with herbs and shit, that should be easy enough.

There's still the matter of how she got those bruises. Probably by stumbling around before passing out, no magic must mean no magical healing abilities, or regeneration or whatever alicorns even do to ensure they're never hurt. She must have bumped into walls and stuff.

Drunk you knows that feel all too well. He never learned from it, though.

You need to go back to the castle and tell Celestia everything. All she needs is a couple of herbs from Zecora.
You met Zecora once, keks of the toppest variety were had.

Well, you didn't really meet her per se. You were out hunting (that was before you realized you couldn't kill and eat something with cartoon intelligence, which every single creature has around here) and you walked past her little hut. There was thick smoke coming from the windows, and she was singing something about 'hitting blunts' and how she was 'tired of rhyming and shit'.

Reminiscing about past keks is all fine and everything, and you're certain that if you had a watch right now it would read 4:20, but you've zoned out again and every minute you spend reminiscing is another minute Celestia spends in turmoil.

You apologize to Aryanne and try to leave, but not before she makes you promise you'll drop by her home in Ponyville next week. Like, she made you promise. She wouldn't let you go otherwise. She literally wouldn't let you go.

She might not be a unicorn, but the freaky Earth pony strength is real.

"Halt! Who goes there?"

You raise an eyebrow at the single royal guard stationed in front of the castle's main entrance.

"I'm Anonymous, I have business with Princess Celestia."

He doesn't move, instead opting to raise his spear.

You frown. "C'mon, man. I gotta tell her something, it's important."

"Yeah, well, get in line, buddy. Lots of ponies want to talk to the princess. You'll have to wait your turn."

"Not really," you blurt out, grabbing his spear and smacking it against your knee. It breaks in half, and you then proceed to grab what little (gold) armor he has on, throwing it off him.

He stares flabbergasted as you roll your eyes. "You're a guard, you're not here to look good. You're here to guard, so get a real weapon that can actually hurt something, and real armor that can actually protect you."

You enter the now unguarded castle and ask pony maids or whatever all those little horses scurrying around are supposed to be, and you eventually get directed to the archives, which look more like some kind of underground complex than anything. There's a huge set of stairs leading into a gigantic temple/library looking kind of thing, with bookshelves reaching easily twenty feet in height. They look even bigger with three feet tall ponies walking around.

You spot a bit of sparkly rainbow mane around a corner and follow it back to its owner.

"Celestia!"

She turns around to face you. "Anonymous?"

"Yeah, look, everything is fine. She's not a threat, and you just need a bath."

Okay, that came out wrong. She simply stares at you.

"She's just a regular Earth pony who was jealous I cuddled you and not her, and she sprayed you with poison joke."

"She... that's not possible. I saw her, she pulled it out of nowhere."

"Ponies do that all the time. I mean, look at the bar, for example. Not a single pony had clothes on, yet when they had to pay, they all managed to pull out a wallet out of... you know what, I don't want to think about it, but my point is, she hasn't done anything the average pony cannot do."

Celestia ponders this for a moment.

"Did you try sexually stimulating her? Changelings cannot keep-"

"Okay, you're not going to finish that sentence, so I won't have to formulate one back."

She snorts and looks away briefly.

"So that's it? A bath in poison joke cure, and you have officially saved Equestria?"

"Believe me, I've felt how underwhelming it is."

Her frown remains strong.

"I thought you'd be happy, or at the very least relieved," you remark.

"No," she says, apparently deep in thought. "Something doesn't add up."

"Like what?"

"Why would the map summon you if there was no real problem? The only problem in this whole thing was the poison joke, which wouldn't have happened if you hadn't come here."

She makes good points, but this map is magical in nature. Magic is fucked, as far as you can tell.

"Unless..."

"Unless?"

"Unless it was never about Equestria!"

You raise an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"The map obviously wanted you to be here. You met Aryanne by coming here, right?"

"Yeah, and she actually lives in Ponyville, it seems. Yet it took me traveling to Canterlot to meet her."

She nods.

"So, what? Am I supposed to do something for her? To her? This shit is cryptic."

"Doubtful. The map is only for serious matters. I'm not saying the happiness of a certain pony is trivial, but the map just doesn't care about that, it cares about Equestria as a whole. If you were summoned, then your task has got to be something bigger than that."

"Well, I'll mull it over. Either way, my work here is done, so I'm gonna be taking the train back home. I need a bath. And I need a job," you mutter that last part.

Celestia raises a hoof as if to stop you, before shaking her head.

"Very well, Anonymous. Take care of yourself, and give my kind regards to Twilight Sparkle."

"One horse hug for Twalot, duly noted."

You hear a small giggle escaping her as you walk out of the giant library, and up the giant flight of stairs. Is this castle made of hammerspace or something? It's big on the outside, but you swear the inside could contain an entire city.

As you walk outside, you notice the guard pony from earlier working at a nearby stand. He's repeatedly striking a glowing plate of iron with a huge hammer. You nod at him and give a quick salute.

"Now that's more like it."

As much as you want to go home, get drunk and sleep, you feel compelled to go and report to Twilight first.
As usual Spike is quick to open the door, engrossed in a book. A quick glance at the cover reveals that it's a nasty, revolting piece of fiction written by none other than your friendly neighborhood rapist, Fluttershy. Mere days after meeting you, she started writing disgusting smut featuring you as the helpless 'stallion' getting rescued from bullshit improbable situations, and thanking her in ways you'd rather not think about.

When she showed you a few pages of her first manuscrit, you were absolutely terrified, but you had to admit it was good smut. Disgusting, but well written. Had it not been about you, you'd have probably read the whole thing.

Some of the things she fantasizes about doing to you are horrifying, to say the least. You're not a doctor or anything, but you're pretty sure anuses don't work that way.

You don't even want to consider the fact that Spike is reading that. You just walk past him, and enter the throne room, where Twilight greets you much like she did last time.

That is, with a 'what the fuck are you doing here?' expression on her face.

"Twilight."

"Anon. Where were you?"

You stare dumbly at her.

"Canterlot? You sent me there, remember?"

"Yeah, I sent you there for a reason! Whatever your task was, you didn't fulfill it."

You explain her everything, making sure to also convey how much you resent being treated like her fucking errand boy, but she finds your riveting tale less than satisfactory. She took offense to roughly half of the things you said, and flat out refused to believe the other half. In the end, her conclusion is that you must help Aryanne find her 'true calling'.
So there you are, the only human in a world of pone, and your mission is to get a nazi cartoon horse to find her true self and purpose in life.

You didn't even read Mein Kampf, and you're afraid the knowledge you've acquired from /pol/ isn't as valuable as it seemed at the time.
You really need to sleep, so after leaving the castle, you head straight for your house and just throw yourself on your bed. Yeah, it's four in the afternoon, but you just saved the world, so you can afford to take a little time off.

"Anonymous?"

You grumble and turn.

"Anonymous?"

You grumble again and turn back the other way.

"ANONYMOUS!" the voice whispers as loudly as it can.

You sit up, eyes glazed over as your sleep addled mind begrudgingly attempts to process your surroundings. After a few seconds without further noise, it decides to give up.

"Hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon," 'you' say, tipping an invisible fedora before dropping back on your side for more sleep.

"ANONYMOUS!"

You sit up again, this time fully awake. Why is there a blue horse on your bed?

"Anonymous. Why cannot we enter thy dreams?"

"Because they're mine. Can I go back to sleep now?"

"We come to thee with serious matters that we wish to discuss."

"Goddamn."

You look at the clock. One in the morning... urgh. But then you did go to bed very early, so you still got enough sleep.

"Thou must come to Canterlot at once!"

"You what though."

"Thou know a mare by the name of Aryanne, is that correct?"

"I guess, why?"

"She is in need of thee."

"The what? Why do you keep saying 'the'?"

She clears her throat. "We are sorry, this modern speech is most difficult. She needs you."

You're not sure how the hell 'she needs you' is harder than 'she is in need of thee', but whatever.

"Why does she need me?"

"How are we to know? We are not omniscient."

This fucking horse right there.

"You know what, I'm not even gonna ask. Where is she?"

"In the same questionable establishment thou went to yesterday to drink hefty amounts of drinking alcohol."

You mull that over.

"Drink hefty amounts of drinking alcohol," you repeat.

She just nods, and you add another pony to your list of small pastel equines who manage to scare the shit out of you. For a new reason this time: language. And not the 'every other word is fuck or shit' kind of language some ponies fear you for.

You get out of bed and stumble into the bathroom. Luna steps in behind you, watching you disrobe. You turn around with a hand covering your crotch.

"Go away."

"We simply wish to see how closely thy genitalia resembles that of a primate."

This is Fluttershy levels of nightmare fuel.

"I fucking swear, if you don't get out of my house right now, I will dedicate my entire life to ruining yours. I will develop an Equestrian space program and I will personally fly you to the Moon, blast you the fuck out of an airlock, and go back home to snuggle with your sister."

Her expression remains unreadable for a while, before her mouth contorts into a small grin.

"Thou art a feisty one, Anonymous! Very well, we shall endeavor to make thee ours!"

This is not how you wanted your night to go. Or your life, actually.
Curse this world of horses.

After Luna finally leaves, you take a shower, put on some clean clothes and walk back to the train station. You're not sure why a small town like Ponyville would have trains departing that late into the night, but it works for you.

Without Aryanne, the ride was pretty boring, but at least it was calm. You're pretty sure the only two living beings in the train were you, and the pony who drives the damn thing.

Once in Canterlot, you walk around a bit to try and get your bearings. You can still see the castle and you remember the general direction of the bar, but everything looks different at night. You also hope she'll still be here, after all it's been almost two hours since Luna visited you.

You end up finding the bar and you walk through the door, spotting a familiar pony in the back. You walk up to her, only to see an empty glass on her table. You really hope it's not that whiskey you had, because while it fucked you up pretty bad, it would literally kill her.
Or maybe she, being a native, has an understanding of how pony alcohol works. Unlike your dumb ass.

The glass smells of cheap beer, so she's probably going to be fine either way. Hungover, but fine. She appears to be quite drunk, as it took her until now to even notice you were there. She immediately leans into you, smiling as she does so. You wrap an arm around her and hug her, but you're a bit unsure about this whole thing. Apparently you're supposed to help her find her true calling or some other girly bullshit, and you're not going to be able to do any of that if she's too drunk to even stand up on her own.

You're just going to bring her to the castle and ask Luna for a spare bedroom. After all, the map sent you, you're on an official mission for Equestria, there's no way she would refuse. This is some serious shit, the ponies take that magic of friendship thing pretty goddamn seriously.

Hopefully you'll be able to avoid the projectile vomit that you know will be coming once she does wake up. Or maybe not, you remember reading somewhere that horses couldn't throw up. But then they couldn't use magic or even talk either, so what do you know.

Getting up with the small pony in your arms, you walk out of the bar, ignoring the bartender asking for her to pay. Reaching the castle, you spot the same guard again, but this time, he's decked out in badass black armor. It looks heavy as shit, but it would probably take a giant halberd swung at full force to even leave a slight dent into that thing. Like the one he's struggling to hold upright with a hoof.
You guess you just revolutionized the Equestrian military, after saving Equestria itself.

All in a day's work.

You walk inside the castle and find Luna's room the same way you found the archives, that is by pestering ponies who give you vague, shitty answers, until you finally stumble upon a big door made of obsidian with a moon symbol painted on it. No engravures for Luna? What a pleb.

You knock on the door (or rather you slap it and shout, how the hell are you gonna make noticeable noise knocking on a solid plate of obsidian?) and it opens, a tired Luna standing in the doorway. You briefly spot one of Fluttershy's 'works' on her nightstand, and shudder. Guess that explains her earlier attitude... fucking Fluttershy.

You ask her for a spare bedroom, and she walks you to a guest bedroom, where you lay Aryanne down on the bed, and ponder what you could do for a couple of hours. You eventually decide to simply spoon with the little pony, and find yourself lulled to sleep by her soft breathing, warm fur and silky mane.

You wake up pretty late in the morning. Aryanne is awake, and she doesn't look too bad. You suppose she already threw up, if that's a thing ponies do, but she looks fine, for the most part.

You start explaining her how you ended up here, but apparently Luna already told her everything. You shrug and walk out, asking random ponies if you had the right to a breakfast. The looks on their faces strongly imply that you do not, so you voice your displeasure in the form of a stream of obscenities before leaving with Aryanne walking alongside you.
You wish you could hold hands (and hooves) with ponies.

As the two of you walk down the cobblestone streets of Canterlot, you strike up a conversation.

"So, what makes you think Equestria would be better off ruled by unicorns, anyway?"

"They're superior," she replies as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Not really, but let's pretend they are. Why wouldn't other races have the right to live as well?"

"Because they're inferior!"

"Yeah, but without other races, unicorns can't be superior."

scrunchyface.exe is now running.

"You're superior compared to something, to a standard. If you're the only thing there is, you can't be superior, you can only... be."

scrunchyface.exe has encountered a problem and must close.

"See, beyond that, I'm pretty sure all the species, or almost, are needed for the ecosystem to thrive."

She seems to ponder this.

"I mean sure, having magic is useful and it is indeed superior to what Earth ponies and pegasi can do in many cases, but that doesn't justify any of what you're talking about."

"That's the first time I thought about it that way," she says in a sulking tone.

"I'm sorry Aryanne, but that's just how it is."

She stops walking.

"I... I guess I realize that just now."

"C'mon, why the long face?"

"Do you know what it's like to devote yourself, your life to something, only for all of it to be completely dashed in a heartbeat?"

"I do. Back home, I studied for years to get the job I always wanted. I spent countless sleepless nights doing nothing but studying and working, never seeing anyone because I was too busy with my shit. I was getting there, I only had another few months to go. Except one morning, I simply woke up in another dimension. So yeah, I do know what it feels like."

She gives you a sympathetic smile.

"We're such fuck-ups..."

You share a small chuckle and she puts a hoof against your leg.

"Yeah, I guess non-unicorns are looking pretty good right now, compared to us..." she says.

"Yeah. Non-unicorns are looking pretty good compared to non-unicorns like us."

She frowns.

"Did you seriously believe this shit? When you said that other unicorns would recognize you as one of them?"

She hangs her head in shame, but you have no idea whether that means yes or no.

"Hey," you say, kneeling down. "It's alright."

She puts a hoof on your shoulder as you find yourself at eye level with her. You're not sure what compels you to do it, but you kiss this little pony. You place your hand behind her head and gently press her lips against yours.

While kneeling in the middle of the crowded streets of Canterlot.

She melts into the kiss and moans softly. It's a simple, gentle, chaste kiss, but it feels heavenly to the both of you.

When you pull away, you look at your surroundings and gesture everywhere around you. "You see, Aryanne. You're quite possibly the only Earth pony within a radius of several miles, yet you're the one being kissed by the only human in this world, and as of yesterday, an Equestrian hero."

She smiles as her eyes start glowing a bright white. "So that is what the master race is all about..."

"Yeah." You get up and ruffle her mane. "Wait, what?"

Before she can reply, you both disappear in a flash.

You're floating alongside Aryanne in some sort of blue, whirling space corridor kind of thing. The 'walls' are littered with videos of the two of you living your everyday lives. There's even one showing you masturbating to some bizarre German fetish video.

"This has to be illegal or some shit."

Considering the nature of the situation, you can't do much except wait as you float down this weird vortex place. Seriously, you have no idea how to put your surroundings into words. There's no air, no sound, no anything other than those weird swirly lights... it sort of reminds you of the wormhole in Interstellar, only a little more... Equestrian. Whatever it is, it must be some four dimensional shit because none of it looks like it was ever meant to be processed by the human mind.
Unlike yours, Aryanne's videos don't seem too embarrassing. Unless wearing panties and socks is embarrassing to ponies... you never know, these little equines are as weird as they are cute.

You eventually find yourself in front of a pony with a combed black mane, a short black mustache and the flag of Nazi Germany as a cutie mark. He compliments the both of you in German, which you understand for whatever reason. At this point your mind has already shut down, it's just following your body along for the ride.

When you pop back up in Canterlot, you notice a few changes. First of all, looking down at Aryanne, you only see a cute white chest tuft. You look up, and see that she's now standing at eye level with you, unfurling her large wings as the horn on her head glows a brilliant prussian blue.

You also notice that you're wearing a nazi uniform. Aryanne smiles at you.

"Anon, how would you like to be Reichsführer?"

You still have no idea what's going on, but you decide to mull her proposition over. After all, you did wish you could find a job.

And that's how you took over Equestria.