Seriously, This Place Needs a Map
It’d taken months of study, of work, of research, but Starlight had done it. She’d cracked a time travel spell to let her go back and break up Twilight’s friendships before they could even begin, depriving her and her friends of their cutie marks. Revenge was going to be sweet.
And, of course, Princess Twilight had to be around to see it. Nothing else could crush the Princess of Friendship so thoroughly. It was only fitting; Starlight had to watch as Twilight stole everything from her, so Twilight would have to watch as Starlight stole everything from her. The fact that her spell involved tapping into the power of the map in the throne room, right at the seat of Twilight’s power, was just a bonus.
Starlight was ready. Ready to pay back Twilight for all her wasted effort. Ready to keep her cutie mark, and those of her friends, from ever appearing. Ready to do everything in her power to grind Twilight down. All she had to do was get to the throne room of the Castle of Friendship.
It was a shame that was proving unreasonably difficult.
Her plan all set except for the last step, Starlight had (almost literally) waltzed into the unprotected castle, only to find that wow there was a lot of space in there. Maybe it was just the way it was laid out, but she suspected the castle was bigger on the inside. The samey-looking hallways didn’t help much. She started looking and immediately got lost.
In her hallway, Starlight picked a door at random. “Okay,” she mumbled as she put her hoof on the knob, “twenty-third time’s the charm, right?” She yanked open the door and sneered, “Greetings, Prin-”
A broom fell out of the closet and bonked her on the head.
Starlight yelped and began rubbing her horn. “Mother of… How many broom closets does one alicorn need?! That’s the fifth one!” She tried to slam the door shut, but the broom was blocking her. She screamed, kicked it away, and lit it on fire. Kicking the door shut, she bellowed, “Burn, you stupid stick!”
The broom smouldered insolently at her.
Starlight snorted and stomped away. She went to the next door. “Greetings, Prin-”
Rec room.
Next door. “Greet-”
Dance hall.
Next door. “Greetin-”
Bedroom.
Next door. “Gr-”
Bathroom.
Next door. “Gre-”
Broom closet. Starlight quickly changed it to a cinders-and-ashes closet.
Next door. “Greeting-”
Library.
Next door. “Gree-”
Kitchen.
“What does it take to find a throne room in here?” screamed Starlight. She slammed the door just in time to hear her stomach growl. She looked back at the door. She had been doing this for a while…
Whatever her faults, Twilight had great taste in food. There was an old aloeburger in the fridge, which Starlight quickly pillaged and stuck in the microwave.
Soon, she thought. Soon, I shall have my revenge. Everything she values shall be reduced to dust. Her treasured relationships, her cutie mark, gone. All by my hoof, and all as she helplessly watches. She should’ve known there would be consequences for meddling in my affairs. The princess shall RUE the day she dared to mess with Starl-
The microwave dinged. After a quick temperature check (just right), Starlight snarfed the burger down in moments. Mmhmm. That was a tasty burger.
Now: back to revenge plot, or continue pantry raiding? Starlight had had enough of sparkly hallways for the next few minutes, with their stupid identical doors and their stupid heart-topped decorative columns. Revenge could wait. Pantry raiding it was.
And it was a pantry, not one of those wussied, big cupboards most ponies called “pantries”. It was a full-sized room, stocked to the brim with all kinds of food. Bread, hay, oats, cereal, and- Ooo, chocolate! Dark chocolate, even! Starlight took it. Ah, dark chocolate. The breakfast of revengers.
Was “revenger” a word? It sounded like it both should be and shouldn’t be. Weird. But if it was, Starlight was one of them. She had an excellent revenge planned. Just as soon as she finished off those marshmallows. She needed to free them from Twilight’s grasp.
Licking the last of the sugar from her hooves, Starlight left the kitchen, trying to retrace her steps. Why had she closed all the doors? That was stupid. Every hall in this stupid shiny place looked exactly the same. At least she didn’t have to live here. She kept looking, going back on her steps and opening what doors she thought she hadn’t opened before. She got bonked on the head with two more brooms as she looked.
Okay, those. Those big double doors. Those had to lead to the throne room. If they didn’t, what else would? After a few moments of rolling her shoulders and her hips, Starlight kicked the doors open and sneered. “Greetings, Princess Twilight,” she said to the empty throne room. “Thought I’d stop by and visit. I’d love to tell you why, but that… would… spoil…”
She blinked and looked around. It was the throne room, but it was most definitely lacking its princess or her assistant. Was it really taking them that long to get back from Canterlot?
“Oh, come on!” she bellowed to nopony. “Cut me a break, castle!”
The castle didn’t deign to respond.
Starlight huffed, slammed the door behind her, and walked to one of the thrones. Being in the room when Twilight came in would be better, anyway. More dramatic, that way. She picked the throne that was closest to facing the door and took a seat. She steepled her hooves, put on her best dastardly smirk, and waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Starlight began rubbing her cheeks. Dastardly smirks were not expressions that were meant to be held for any length of time.
For some reason, the throne room lacked a clock, so Starlight couldn’t tell how long she’d been waiting, and she’d never been all that great with keeping track of time, anyway. It was at least ten minutes. Maybe hours. Didn’t princesses have the decency to arrive at the right time for a dramatic entrance?
In spite of the food she’d taken, her stomach growled. She tried to ignore it, but soon it growled again. She was feeling hungrier than she thought. Maybe she should go back to the kitchen? She thought she knew the way. Starlight hopped off the throne and walked over to the door.
Wait! What if Twilight came by when she was trying to raid the pantry? I shall destroy you and your friends, Twilight, just as soon as I finish this delicious taffy! *nom nom nom* Wow, this stuff is sticky. Or worse, what if she got lost again? She’d never be able to find her way back. Ugh. All that time looking for it, only to throw it away because she was a bit hungry. Starlight reluctantly crawled back onto the chair.
The throne itself wasn’t doing her any favors. It was comfortable enough, but not for however long Starlight was sitting on it. Her rump was aching something fierce. Hadn’t anypony heard of a cushion? She tried adjusting her position, to no avail. Then she tried lounging across the armrests (what were “arms”, anyway?), and that helped. But it wasn’t the best position for Twilight to walk in on. A bit too casual, not mastermind-y enough. Or maybe that would look better? That she was so confident in her success that she couldn’t even be bothered to sit up straight? Yeah, that would work. A few more adjustments, and… there. That should be good until Twilight arrived. Ooo, yeah, that was real comfortable. So Starlight waited.
And waited.
And waited.
After what felt like ages, Twilight and her assistant finally finally finally came home. They both gasped upon seeing Starlight. Yeah, waiting in the throne room was definitely more intimidating. Even better, she’d totally nailed the dastardly smirk. She knew it, and it made her smirk all the bigger and dastardlier. It’d taken work, but this… this made it all worth it. The perfect entrance. In her best sneery voice, Starlight said, “Welcome home, Twi-”
Her stomach’s growling echoed through the throne room.
“SON OF A-”
