Ambassador of Humanity

by adburtnett

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Romance, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 1258

A human actual tries to represent humanity as best he can.

Titus is a man transported to Equestria by unknown means. Well actually technically it's all starlight glimmer fault. But he doesn't know that.
From the Privet diary Records of Titus Oceanus
Princes Celestia has given me the title of ambassador of humanity. Most likely to hold me over until I can learn more of her and her peoples culture so I may get a real job. I will do my best avoid that at all cost.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-31 01:19:01 UTC

Dinner with Her Royal Magistracy Princess Celestia and Discord is a troll

Dinner with Her Royal Magistracy Princess Celestia

Griffin lands have animals that are similar to the cows of earth but not nearly as smart. It has been  proven with out a shadow of a doubt that the bra-ma lack the brains and self preservation that god bestowed upon pudding. I'm not joking, you know that old myth about how domesticated turkeys can drown itself in the rain that's a bra-ma. All they can do is eat, sleep, and breed. That's it and they do it very very well to well actually an adult bra-ma female can have four or more caves a year and can eat an entire years worth of hey in only a month. They will eat until they puke and than eat that. So while it may make other species uncomfortable griffins must keep there population in cheek.

I know this from the books on Griffins I've read preparing my self for the ambassadors dinner party mostly so I don't embarrass my self too much. I tried to convince Her Royal Magistracy Princess Celesta that this was a bad idea but she insisted that I should make contact and bridges for my species or in other word make friends with other carnivores.

I've  been here about a year and officially ambassador of humanity and humanoid creatures for six months of that so I can't say it's too soon unfortunately.

~*~ Before dinner ~*~

"You're royal magistracy -"

"Oh please Titus just call me Celesta. I wish you would be less formal."  She eyed me in my new suite like outfit "and less clothed."

" Your Royal Magistracy Princess Celesta" She pouted at me. For a thousand year old goddess empress  she's surprisingly childish, in privet at least. " I think I should re iterate my discomfort at eating  a meal meant for griffins while in Equestria."

She sighed turned and looked at me directly. I think one of the reasons she likes me is because I can look her directly in the eye.

"For the last time the royal physician lvi well  has said you can safely eat all of tonight's food and I promise no one will be offended in fact it may even help you make better friendships with our griffin ambassador Seraphim Blackwings."

"Don't say I didn't warn you. Your Royal Magistracy Princess Celesta I blame you for anything that's about to happen."

~*~ Dinner~*~

The table was lager than the ones I had gotten used to. I could actual sit on a chair. Her Royal Magistracy Princess Celesta sat at the head while her three pones sat to her right and the Griffin ambassador her husband and there chef sat to her left an I was on the far side.

I looked at my plate it.  What looked to be a thick, bone-in rib-eye with sauteed mushrooms and a baked potato. I carefully cut a small piece to see it was cooked medium rare.

"Is anything wrong with your meal Titus?"  Her Royal Magistracy Princess Celesta asked. I looked at the bit than to her.

"Just so I have witnesses I warned you."

"What do you mean-" The chef began but I had already popped the morsel in my mouth.

OH SWEET MARY MOTHER OF FUCK!!! A holey indecent sound came out of my mouth when I swallowed. I already cut another bite a shoved it in.

That was defiantly sound I did not know I could make. I was making some sort of rumble pure sound now.  I looked at the griffin chef to my right.

His bird parts where that of a bearded vulture and his cat parts linx he was blushing.

"You made this?"

"Yes." he answered with trepidation.

"I want you."

"What?" I seam to have surprised him.

"You. I want you." I took another bite.  "I have eaten nothing but fruits, vegetables, and the occasional fish for the past year. This is meat cooked bloody wonderful meat. That you cooked. What do I have to do for you to cook something like this once a week for me." I had somehow managed to keep eating the stake with out messing up my words.

"Just so you know I would make sweet love to you right here on this table in front of every one if that's what you wanted."

Discord is a troll

"Discord spirit of chaos and disharmony." I greeted the reformed draconequus. He oozed around me and I felt the a gentle brush of his feathered body slip into the smooth scales of his tail. His draconic face lowed to met mine. Four some reason my constant refusal to 'lighten up'

and tendency to use full names and titles only seemed to amuse him.

"oh don't be like that Titus." his saccharine sweet voice pouts at me. "You aren't really that upset are you?"

"Discord spirit of chaos and disharmony I asked you two months ago if it would be possible for you to copy some art of my home and what did you give me?"

His taloned claw petted at my hair and I batted it away. "I apologized for that."

I sighed "You did and I accepted it. It was partly my fault so when you offered to get some books from my home realty I gave you a list. What did you get?"

He pulled back scratching his chin with his lion's paw. "That was an honest-"

"I gave you a list."  I snapped glaring at his stupid smirking stupid face. Taking a deep breath to calm myself I wouldn't bring up the time I had been desperate enough to ask for a personal hygiene kit.

"We humans have a saying 'fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me fool me three times you're officially that guy.' Trust me you don't want to be that guy."

"Titus would I do that to you?" He asked trying to look innocent.

"Yes." I responded bluntly.

"I really do feel bad for upsetting you. I think you almost cried last time. So I left you a little present in your office. A television, gaming console, and a few games."

I snatched his beard and pulled him down to look him in the eyes. "if your f*ck*ng with me agen i will cheerfully murder you and dance in your entrails."

I took off in a dead sprint to my office.

My secretary Garnet Smudge a shockingly red unicorn with a slate gray main and tail was reading  what looked like what passed for romance in this parts. Meting her blue-gray eyes I told her. "That annoying incoherent amalgamation of mismatched parts left something as a 'present'. I think it would be wise to inform  Her  Royal Magistracy Princess Celesta or Her Royal Magistracy Princess Luna. Also if you could fetch the royal physician Lvi Well I would be most appreciative."

She looked at me one eyebrow raised as she magicked a book mark to hold her place. "Don't you look at me in that tone of voice." Setting her book on her desk she just smiled nodded and went to fetch back up.

Opening my office doors I immediately spotted it.

Carefully I approached the television and pressed the power button. Nothing happened I tried the gaming consoles next still nothing. I felt dread begin to pool in my gut. Looking behind my prize I saw the power cords lying uselessly on the floor. Of coarse no power outlets.

"DISCORD I AM GOING TO LOBOTOMIZED YOU WITH A PAIR OF TWEEZERS!"