Birdseed, Birdseed, Birdseed

by Mr Fislewait

Rating: everyone
Tags: Discord, Alternate Universe, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Trixie
Length: 3901

Cursed to help others by the elements of harmony, Discord delights in twisting ponies wishes to his own amusement. Unfortunately his latest master has some unexpected requests to make...

Defeated by Luna and Celestia, Discord found himself bound by the elements of harmony to a simple lamp. Trapped within it he has been sentenced to a lifetime of helping others, forced to grant three wishes to any pony who stumbles upon his prison. Of course as an expert spirit of chaos he delights in twisting these wishes to his own amusement circumventing the very nature of his intended punishment!

So why is that when a humble (but also great and powerful) showmare stumbles upon the lamp, Discord is so willing to put his past misdemeanors behind him and play nice? What fiendish punishment has reformed him? What horrors turned him down the path of good? Why does his eye twitch whenever he says the word birdseed?

A silly story written for laughs. Alternate Universe Tag is due to the elements turning Discord into a genie instead of stone, and for some creative interpretation of the intellect of a certain fictional species.

Published 2016-06-17 02:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-06-17 02:10:01 UTC

The Whole Story

Trixie Lulamoon! Greatest equine in all Equestria! Showmare Extraordinaire! One time ruler of Ponyville who definitely didn't lure a large and angry Ursa Minor into a populated area (two colts did that, the story in circulation was purely lies and slander). Sure she might have fallen upon hard times as of late, and maybe she might of gone a touch overboard in her use of an exceedingly cursed magical artifact to enact what many would call 'petty revenge'... but all of that was in the past! The future stretched out far and wide before her, the world was her oyster! All she needed was a plan, a little drive and preferably for everypony to forget about her somewhat chequered past.

At present she was 'between jobs' a phrase used in the show business to indicate that whilst one was currently choosing to be unemployed they would potentially deign to take up work again on behalf of a worthy patron. Despite what some nieghsayers might claims she definitely was not a washed up hack wandering between towns devoid of prospect. She certainly knew where she was, to claim that The Great And Powerful Trixie was lost would be foolishness! She knew exactly where she was! Everywhere else was simply conspiring against her to not be where it was supposed to be. Like that bush she had passed four times now, the one that looked like Celestia performing the tango with a Minotaur, that was clearly supposed to be the road out of the forest and towards Cantucky. That boulder that bore a passing resemblance to her good friend Rupert from back on the farm (Rupert was a real great listener but wasn't great at speaking, Trixie wondered if he had ever worked up the courage to ask out that lovely piece of pumice he had eyes for in the west field) was clearly supposed to be a signpost. That mysterious antique lamp was...

Antique lamp? Checking her surroundings quickly Trixie confirmed that she was alone on the track. Nopony was around but her nor did it appear anyone had passed through here recently. So where had the lamp come from? She was quite sure it had not been here when she passed by this spot five minutes ago and it certainly hadn't just dropped out of the sky- Or had it? In the tree directly above the lamp was a vast nest. Magpies, or some other avian with similar habits had no doubt stolen it from its rightful owner only to lose it themselves! Ha! Well finders keepers losers weepers! Trixie snatched the lamp up in her magic and tossed it into her wagon. It would likely fetch a pretty penny at the market when she got into town (not that Trixie was hurting for cash mind you!) and it's previous owner would be unlikely to miss it.

That evening Trixie (who had chosen to camp in the woods of her own free will and definitely not because she was still having a little trouble finding her way out!) decided to have a proper look over her legitimately acquired goods. It was an old antique made out of brass, the lid shaped like a pair of mismatched wings, the handle a coiled dragon's tail and the nozzle carved in the likeness of... a goat? Maybe? The point was the lamp was dirty and poorly made, even with its 'quirkiness' Trixie would be lucky to fetch even three bits for it. Grumbling herself she did what little she could do tidy it up, running an oily cloth over the surface to remove the worst of the stains.

"FREEDOM!" with a great explosion of smoke that filled the wagon, a flash of lightning and an explosion of confetti something impossibly large burst out of the lamp's nozzle and into the room. Giggling maniacally to itself the creature swept Trixie up in its arms and swung her about the room. "Oh joyous day! Callooh Callay! At long last my captivity has come to an end and you my mysterious benefactor are the cause!" The creature dropped Trixie to the floor and with a great wave of his tail cleared the smoke from the room. Before her stood a.... ummmmm.... a thing? Yes, a thing. With.... errrrr..... IT LOOKED LIKE THE LAMP AND MADE NO SENSE OKAY! Before Trixie stood a creature, the likes of which she had never seen dressed from top to tail in a dinner suit, its tail curiously stuck in the lamp.

"The Great And Powerful Trixie demands to know the meaning of this! Who are you, what are you and why were you hiding in Trixie's lamp?" our great and powerful and exceedingly attractive protagonist asked of the beast (did I mention that Trixie was also of perfect build? certain ponies have described her as 'pudgy' but I can assure you this was not the case).

"Oh my dear Trixie, I am none other than the lord of chaos, baron of bedlam, why the very duke of disarray himself! Discord at your service!" Tapping a cane against one wall of Trixie's wagon Discord conjured a glowing purple neon sign that proudly read 'Discord' a cluster of arrows pointing at the man himself. "And for freeing me on this fine day I will grant you, three free wishes for anything your heart desi- STOP THAT!" Discord stopped mid speech as Trixie began hitting him over the head with a pan. "Why pray tell are you hitting me when I am standing here before you as a humble servant," an angelic halo formed above his head as he said this, "willing to help you fulfill your greatest dreams and fantasies?" Discord looked somewhat put out a great frown spreading across his face but Trixie was not one to be taken in.

"Trixie knows how this goes genie. You offer her some fancy wishes without any catch and in five minutes time Trixie's wagon is on fire and has a lobster stuck on her tail. So thanks but no thanks Discord, get back in the lamp so I can finish cleaning it." Rather than oblige her though Discord instead chose to hover in the air, replacing his clothes with a turban and magically dying his entire body blue.

"Okay I will be the first to admit that perhaps in the past I have taken my fair share of creative liberties in granting ponies wishes but I am a changed being now! Why after what I have been through over the last century all of that is behind me! Please just let me grant your wishes! Interesting wishes, creative wishes, wishes that really let a Draconequus flex his magical muscles!" Discord fell to the floor prostrate before Trixie. While this was not the first time that somepony had begged favors of Trixie (shut up it wasn't the first time, ponies have requested Trixie's aid many times in the past!) she had never been placed in such a position by a creature of such immense power.

"Trixie senses there is more to this than meets the eye... What's the story? Why are you stuck like this and why are you so eager to grant Trixie's wishes?"

"Oh that's a story and half! Hehehe, but of course I wouldn't want to bother you with the boring old details of my life." Discord said in mock lament, rolling his eyes (literally, Trixie could have picked them up and played dice with those babies) and filing his nails.

"Ooooh Trixie loves stories, if it's a good one she might even ~~steal~~ (borrow, Trixie said borrow here) it for her next show!" Trixie clapped her hooves together in giddy excitement and pulled out some cushions to plop herself down on.

"Well...." Discord feigned disinterest for the briefest of moments, "if you insist."

My story, dear Trixie, begins one thousand years ago when I was king of all Equesria! Oh it was a glorious reign full of laughter and fun where each new day brought fresh and wonderful surprises. The world was my oyster Trixie! Then one day, for absolutely know good reason whatsoever, a pair of trumped up alicorns turned up out of nowhere and blasted me with the Elements of Harmony! They bound me to the form you see before you, tethered to this infernal lamp and unable to use my powers except at the behest of others!

Trixie may have heard a slightly different version of that story when she was a foal. Your reign of chaos has not been treated kindly by history. In fact it has generally considered to have been a little bit...evil

Tomayto, tomato. Well for the next nine hundred years I begrudgingly followed the rules of the curse but I may have had some fun at the expense of my masters. You see Trixie the whole three wishes deal was a once in a life time thing. No pony could benefit more than once, but more importantly I only had to follow the word of the wish, not the intent. Oh the great fun I had with those wishes! So many foolish ponies wishing for the first three things that popped into their heads! Foolish decisions worded foolishly!

Trixie is beginning to feel that her initial decision was justified, do not make her hit you again.

Quite... Well as I was saying all was really rather wonderful for those first nine hundred years. Sure I didn't have the freedom I deserved but I could still have a few good laughs. Then things changed.

As usual I was minding my own business having a quiet nap inside of my lamp when I feel something rubbing it clean. After nine hundred years I was quite used to this and got ready to throw on a show. So with a puff of smoke, some dramatic lighting and and my finest dinner jacket I emerged to astound my latest master.

"Greetings foolish mortal! For what purpose have you summoned the great and terrible Discord, Lord of Chaos himself! He who raised the Great Wall of Epona only to knock it down a decade later, he who sunk the city of Coltlantis over night, he who-" now normally that speech can go on for the better part of an hour but this time around I saw something I hadn't expected at it rather threw me off my game. You see as the smoke cleared and I got a look at today's master I didn't see my normal fair of treasure hunters and thieves, cowering in fear before me. No. Instead I saw a small red bird sitting in a nest staring at me completely nonplussed. Well, suffice to say it took the wind out of my sails.

"Okay this a little unorthodox. I don't know if you can understand me or not but here's the deal, you get three wishes no take backsies, can't wish for more wishes, can't wish harm on another pony, a few other limitations, do not take wishes alongside your other medication, terms and conditions may apply." Then I leaned over and grinned a toothy grin at the little bird, "One of those terms being that I can only accept wishes if they are given to me in Equus," oh the charm had lots of little safeguards to it, if the wisher intended what they said to be a wish I had to grant it even if they didn't word it as such, I couldn't take hypothetical wishes as real ones and so on and so forth, but I had learned early on that I only had to accept wishes spoken in the Equestrian tongue, a tongue most common animals couldn't speak. So imagine my surprise when the little red bird opened its mouth and spoke.

"Birdseed?" It asked tilting it's head to the side and my curse kicked in. With a snap of my claws I conjured an insignificant pile of birdseed.

"That was your first wish, I hope you enjoy it, simple things for simple minds I suppose-" I planned to gloat some more but my new master had the gall to cut me off.

"Birdseed!" It cheerfully chirped as it dug in to its food. Once more I felt the curse take hold, the bird wasn't simply rejoicing at my magic! It had actually gone and wasted a second wish on the same thing as the first! So with a snap of my claw I summoned a second, smaller pile of food.

"That was your second wish, you only have one rem-"

"Birdseed birdseed!" It called out again, jumping back and forth in the nest. *snap* A singular seed appeared alongside the others.

"Pleasure doing business with you," I sneered before returning to my home.

A month past before I was awoken again. A surprise really, most of the time I would go months, even years between masters, so two in one month was always a surprise. I got ready to throw myself into it once again, lights camera action, all that jazz, jumped out the lamp and began my spiel.

"Greetings mortal... oh it's you again." The same bird who had so foolishly wished for three lots of birdseed sat before me in its nest, cheerful as before and looking at me like I was the creator itself. "Sorry to break the news buddy but it's three wishes per customer, you wasted yours so tough luck."

"Birdseed!" It yelled as loud as its little voice would go. I opened my mouth to spout some cocky remark when all of a sudden I felt the curse take hold. My claws snapped and a mound of seed appeared. I blinked once, twice, three times in surprise.

"How did you?"

"Birdseed!" It called again. *snap* a second pile. "Birdseed!" *snap* a third.

"Well..." I said rubbing my head in confusion. "As thrilling as those wishes were my work here is done. Wake me when you have enough brain cells to realize the extraordinary powers you just wasted on a cheap meal." I returned to my lamp, amused but confused.

Another month passed and then, to my surprise I felt something rub the lamp. This time though I emerged cautiously, checking who my master was. There before me, stood the same bird in the same nest with the same gormless look on its face.

"Birdseed!" it called before I could get a single word in. *snap* "Birdseed!" a second time *snap* "Bird... *hack* *cough*..." as it tried to make the third wish the poor little creature discovered that the second pile of bird seed had been somewhat larger than the normal fare it was used to and promptly began to choke to death on its own food. Real shame, nothing I could do about it, an accident really, the bird should have specified the size of its dinner. As the little bird collapsed I turned around ready to return to my nap only to pause as I felt a small fire light up behind me. Where the bird had once lay dead there was now only a pile of ash. My eyes popped out as I realized in horror my mistake. My master wasn't a mere bird, it was a phoenix, and the lamp forced me to grant wishes to anyone who asked of them once per lifetime.

With a small conflagration the phoenix burst to life once more and from its mouth spewed the words I would come to hate and fear for the next century.

"Birdseed!" *snap* "Birdseed!" *snap* "Birdseed!" *snap*

Never before in all my life had I been so horribly bored. Every month for a hundred years the infernal little creature would wake me up and force me to grant its inane petty little wishes. Every month like clockwork "Birdseed, birdseed, birdseed!"

Oh I tried every trick in the book! I tried tricking it into wishing for other things, bribed it, tempted it, subtly described the endless possibilities laid bare before it! But no! "Birdseed, birdseed, birdseed!"

I tried reducing the frequency of its requests by making a veritable mountain of feed! You know what happened? It gorged itself, choked on the food and burnt the rest of the mountain to ash with its dying flames! What happened next? It popped right back up and "Birdseed, birdseed, birdseed!"

Month by month, year by year! I thought it was going to drive me mad! Well... more mad. Then one day after it had made the wishes it accidentally knocked the lamp from the nest and who should stumble upon it but The Great And Powerful Trixie!

"So you want to grant Trixie's wishes because you are bored of having to make birdseed?" As Trixie said the final word she noticed a twitch in Discords eye.

"Birdseed, birdseed, birdseed," he muttered under his breath. "It's not just the boredom though my dear Trixie, it's the fact that my little phoenix friend showed as much appreciation of my talents as one would expect to be shown to the old lady who feeds the birds at the park!"

As curious as Discord's story was Trixie considered her options carefully. She would make sure her wishes were things she wanted, but hopefully that couldn't backfire too much in her face, things that were good for the long term but maybe a little personal indulgence for the short term too, she did have three after all.

"Very well Discord. Trixie believes your story, she has considered your offer and she is ready to make her wishes!" Discord rose from where he had been sitting and resumed his stage presence, a grin on his face. "For her first wish, Trixie wishes that everypony forgave her for her past misdeeds and was willing to give her show a second chance!"

"Are you sure Trixie?" Discord asked stroking his beard. "You could just wish for fabulous wealth and never have to work again?" This took Trixie aback a bit. She hadn't expected him to help her make the wishes, perhaps he was trying to trick her, or maybe he honestly wanted her to make them count.

"Trixie is sure. The show means the world to Trixie, it's more than just her job, it is her life, her passion! If this is what it takes to have ponies let her perform again then so be it!" Discord shrugged and snapped his claws together.

"So be it, you have two wishes remaining."

"For Trixie's second wish she wishes that Twilight Sparkle's mane be turned neon green! Ooooh with glow in the dark highlights like the stickers Trixie had on her wall when she was a little foal!" *snap*

"Well I can hardly argue with a little mischief can I? One wish remaining Trixie." Discord said with a smile (somewhere far off in Ponyville a princess screamed in horror and her friend Rarity collapsed onto her collapsing sofa).

"For her third and final wish, Trixie wishes that Discord were free from his-" a clawed hand shot out and covered Trixie's mouth.

"Before you finish that wish Trixie, I feel I should say that every past attempt at making it has had no result beyond wasting a wish. As flattered as I am perhaps consider something else?" the claw slid away leaving a surprised looking Trixie behind. He really had turned things around hadn't he, this Discord. He could have let her waste her wish and been no worse off for it. Trixie though long and hard, then with a grin worthy of Discord himself she opened her mouth.

"For her third and final wish, Trixie wishes that Discord, the lord of chaos himself," she paused for dramatic effect and took a deep breath "was her best friend." Discord stood for a moment, his eyes wide open, uncertain what to make of the wish. *snap*

"That was... a unique wish. Though, I hardly see what it was meant to accomplish..." he muttered beneath his breath.

"Oh Trixie has an idea. You see Discord from what she understands, Trixie believes that friends are supposed to help one another."

"I have also heard that rumor"

"And the wish guarantees that we are friends no?"

"I suppose..."

"So if for example, your good friend Trixie was lost in the middle of the woods, a good friend might decide to say... help their good friend to the edge of the forest?" For a few moments Discord stared at her in confusion, then a light bulb appeared above his head. He gingerly raised one claw, touched the digits together, and *snap*. The wagon and it's occupants teleported to the edge of the forest. For a few moments there was silence, then the pair began dancing around the inside of the wagon, cheering and laughing at what had happened.

"I used my magic!" Discord giggled. "Nopony wished for anything but I used it nonetheless!"

"Well it would be a poor friend who didn't help their friend out wouldn't it?" Trixie replied barely suppressing her own laughter. "And I did wish for a best friend, not a fair weather friend, or a poor friend. Now you're turn! Try something!"

"Hmmmm" Discord pondered stopping his dancing. He turned to Trixie with a conspiratorial grin. "Say my good friend Trixie. Don't you think the moon would have a touch more whimsy to it if it were made of cheese?" Trixie cocked her head to one side as if thinking.

"Trixie can see the appeal," she answered nodding *snap*. In the sky above them the moon took on a strangely yellow tinge and the pair burst into fresh laughter.

"Only for you bestie," Discord laughed, nudging Trixie playfully in the ribs.

"Say, Discord... Trixie has an idea." She turned to her friend and eyed him up from top to bottom, he certainly would look good in a tuxedo and a top hat... "Trixie is planning to take her show on the road again and wondered whether you as her good friend might be interested in joining her. Make the show a double act! The Great And Powerful Trixie with the magical talents of Discord, the Duke of Dissonance himself! Magic and illusions, stories of wonder and adventure, jokes and frivolity!" Trixie posed dramatically standing on her hind legs.

"It does have a certain appeal! Why after one thousand bound by the whims of others it would be nice to have a little bit of freedom in my magic again... Consider it a yes! Though with one condition. Equal partners?" Discord extended his claw towards her, wiggling the digits back and forth.

"Equal partners," she nodded in agreement and raised her hoof to shake his claw. "Though Trixie does have one question before we go. Trixie can understand being bored after a hundred years of the same old thing, but when she found you, you were a little... excessive in your enjoyment. Was something else bothering you?"

"Well maybe there was one other little, teeny tiny thing..." Discord muttered, still clearly frustrated by the memory. "This month my old master the phoenix laid a trio of little phoenix eggs. It was then that I realized there is one thing worse in the world than birdseed, birdseed, birdseed my dear Trixie."

"And what would that be?"

"Birdseed, birdseed, birdseed, birdseed, birdseed, birdseed, birdseed, birdseed, birdseed, birdseed, birdseed," Discord paused for breath and dramatic effect, "birdseed."