My Best Friend, Stella

[Grand Courtyard | Half an Hour Later…]

The proper ‘Northern Wedding’ was just for formality’s sake. Yeah, it was memorable… and Fredrick was both honored and elated that he had the opportunity to be a part of something so meaningful for Stella and her family. But, it was by no means what the two of them would call the ‘main event.’

In fact, when discussing how they wanted to approach their wedding, the two of them only needed about ten minutes before the evil smiles came about. The plans were then inked not even twenty minutes after that. And so, it would be set up as such.

Bright, powerful torches illuminated the massive courtyard, and ensured that as the guests would be able to file out of the throne room and to their assigned tables with ease. They would be able to see everything clearly, along with help of the brilliant moonlight. Between the guest tables and the stage was a large, hard wood rectangular dance floor when the time was right.

The night was young, after all!

Right at the front, a large stage was set where the instruments of Sveta’s band lay in waiting to the side—those were not important now. The stage instead played prominent host to two pseudo-thrones, a podium just off to the right, and six other chairs off to the left.

And as the newlywed couple led the group of guests out into said courtyard, all began to file in and take their designated seats amongst the lake of tables in front of the dance floor as expected. Naturally, Fredrick and Stella were given the honor of sitting right front and center, along with all guests of honor which included Sveta and all the usual suspects of what Fredrick had begun affectionately calling the ‘squad.’

As he sat at said table while others continued filing in, and quietly just… let himself be absorbed in the animated, fawning conversation immediately around him, Fred recalled one day a while back. As he reminisced, he drew his eyes over his former marefriend, now-bride, to his right… who was in some form of a banter match with Sveta who sat on his immediate left. The circle completed with Midnight, Schnee, and Highground in between.

Said day was when Fred casually referred to all these lovely gals here as ‘Stella’s friends.’ Stella then pointed out to him that they were not just ‘her friends,’ anymore. They were his friends, too.

He could feel his face radiating contentedness like the elephant’s foot at Chernobyl. The way it felt to have a proper ‘friend group’ again was not something he realized he was missing as much as he did.

Okay, maybe I don’t have a ‘squad’ but at I do have five ponies who don’t want me to die, so that’s something!

While the warmth remained all around, he was gently pulled out of his reverie when Sveta shut down the conversation between her and Stella, and proceeded to get to her hooves.

“…Whatever, filly. It’s time tae start anyway, so get yer arses ready, turds. This is gonna be legendary,” she decreed.

After a quick, rather elegant turn on her hooves to make sure that everyone was in proper place, she continued her hypnotic saunter up the stage. With a poise and confidence of a mare who was at home on-stage, she took her place at the podium and control of the mic.

Fredrick took one last look around as all gave her the attention she commanded, and by instinct, his and Stella’s hands meshed right where they belonged.

“Testing… testing…” came Sveta’s first words. No earsplitting sound came from the perfectly placed speakers, and all idle chatter at and between the tables came to a quiet end.

Fredrick watched from the corner of his vision as Stella hollowed her hands around her muzzle:

“Take yer top off, lass! Mommy give me milkies!” she shouted to the stage, to nigh-immediate chortling and whooping laughter from their table, the rest of the guest and family tables, and even from the princesses the next table over.

Sveta (wisely) ignored that outburst and continued with the show:

“Good evening, everypony! Damn… that was some wedding, lemme tell ya,” she began, laying her arms atop the podium.

Sveta gestured to Fredrick and Stella up front.

“And it was amazin’ fer one main reason—I never thought I’d get tae see me sister get married any time soon. Let alone tae somepony—or rather, someone—who would be such a perfect fit fer you… in more ways than one,” she alluded to more than a few giggles.

Most of them came from Stella herself. Fredrick grasped her hand a little tighter, smiling at her from the side as pride threatened to overfill his mortal form.

Sveta righted her posture and adopted a much more excited smile.

“However, I’ll save the rest of what I have tae say fer the main attraction! You see, we’ve done things a… little differently from the other Northern weddin’s that we’ve all been to. I’m sure those in me family or the batponies that frequent the Northern Range can vouch,” she gestured broadly to the lake of batpony friends and family.

“But!” she dramatically paused with a lone index finger pointed at the heavens. “After the traditional ceremony, what happens now, happens tae be exactly what the newlyweds wanted in the first place. And in me professional opinion, it fits them both wonderfully.

“For tonight the wedding continues… with the usual toasts and speeches… as well as an optional roast…”

There were more than a few ‘oooohs’ and murmurs from the crowd of whom weren’t in the know.

“…of the newlyweds!” Sveta finished, nearly bursting at the seams from how excited she was… though she also caveated it:

“Optional… so only if they wish! I know not everypony is intae that. Regardless, they’ll say whatever they wanna say… so everypony here: help me out and give these fuckwits a weddin’ sendoff they’ll never fuckin’ forget fer the rest of their lives!

“Now, Stella and Fredrick—please get yer asses up here and put said asses in the thrones.”

Fredrick beamed and looked to his bride, where he found Stella mimicking his excitement. Without any further beckoning, he offered her his hand (which she graciously took in her own gloved grasp with an almost sarcastic elegance) and they stood up together.

On cue, massive applause, cheers, and whistles broke out from their table… and subsequently all tables present. The ovation—and in Fredrick’s opinion, a further validation of his and Stella’s relationship, and his own place in this world—continued even as the two made their way across the dance floor and onto the stage. Sveta gestured to the throne chairs and the two of them took a seat, with Fredrick on the left facing their now-audience, and Stella on the right.

There was also a small little table that existed between both thrones, that came to about armrest height. It tactically held two bottles of Northern Sap with two glasses already filled to the appropriate level (i.e. up to the top). It was also the perfect height and distance between where the two could continue holding hands. Priorities.

Fredrick shared an excited smile and giggle with Stella on his left, and they both watched as Sveta picked back up in commanding the event:

“Alright! Now… the fun part can start,” she said, bouncing a bit on her hooves. “The best part is, they weren’t told fully who was gonna be doin’ the honors, so…”

She addressed the audience once more.

“Will the speakers and/or roasters, please, stand up and make yer way to your chairs?” she asked.

Midnight stood up.

Luna stood up.

Highground stood up.

Schiavona stood up.

Schneeblume stood up.

Wide eyed, Fredrick and Stella glanced at each other—neither had expected the Lunar Princess to join in… Schnee was a bit of a wildcard in whether she would. And now that she did, both were wondering whether she would take part in the roast, or just speak lovely things. Only time would tell.

They fully expected Vona to be a part of this, though.

As everypony giddily made their way on stage to their chairs with their drinks and with some notes in hand, Sveta then added:

“And I’ll be the sixth speaker. Because of course I would be, cunts! Rules are simple: each one gets called up one at at a time, and they have a few minutes tae turn up the heat if they so choose~!

“So, since we’re all here, and I’m already up here… I think I’ll spearhead this fer the good of all equinity!” she declared…

…and then pointedly placed both her arms atop the podium.

“And I’m—of course—gonna roast! Firstly, I’d like tae thank everypony here fer comin’ tonight… tae bear witness to the weddin’ between me sister, Stella, and… oh shit, it’s Fredrick!”

Fred cocked an eyebrow… and his entire head.

Apparently, that was the reaction Sveta was going for, and she seemed more than happy to clarify:

“Sorry mate… forgot ye existed. I mean… heh, hard tae see you when yer in the shadow of the main character of yer own relationship. My bad, mate!”

Oof size: maximum.

Fredrick felt his entire face scrunch up involuntarily at that… but what set him off was hearing Stella immediately start giggling… and then full on laughing her ass off. The roasting crew was all in various states of laughter, as was the audience. He had to admit—that was a fuckin’ good one, and his own giggles manifested. That one called for a drink, though, and he was all too happy to start sipping on more Northern Sap.

He might be blasted by the end of the night.

Sveta continued, smiling widely as she drew her attention from the audience to the roasters, and back to the two of them in varying frequencies.

“But ANYWAY! Thank you all fer comin’ to this historic moment fer our clan and family—friends and family alike. I can read the surprise on all yer faces… I know, because I feel it too. I just don’t know…

“…how Stella managed tae get somepony tae even like her in the first place! And technically, she didn’t!” Sveta added to a small chorus of chuckles.

She snapped her face right to Stella’s:

“Fred’s not even a pony! I remember when we were kids, and when ye bullied me too hard, I always told ye that you would never find anyone in this world who would wanna marry you because you were a wretched wench. I was right!

“Ya needed tae get a literal fuckin’ error of the universe tae get yer retarded ass hitched! Somehow… ye cheated life again!”

She then added with no small amount of mirth:

“Fuckin’ cunt!”

Fredrick chuckled, but he heard the telltale, girly laughter of Stella’s nostalgia of many years past. That gibe was certainly appreciated by her.

Sveta continued to be efficient with her time:

“You fuckin’… golden-eyed, loose-flapped, aired-out fuckin’ sow of a cunt napkin shitpie. Yer temper is obnoxious. Yer inebriated soul is necrotic tae society…”

Stella’s squeaking laughter increased exponentially in volume as Sveta just started bulleting the insults at this point.

“And yer laugh sounds like mum when she’s tryin’ tae get a quickie in with dad and she thinks we didn’t hear ‘em.”

Fredrick never heard gleeful laughter from all parties suddenly u-turn into revulsed guffaw. He was arguably as fucked up as the mare he married though, so he had no problem busting out laughing at Stella’s expense. A quick glance over to the roaster group graced him with a wide-eyed Schiavona with pursed lips. She shook her head disapprovingly, though ‘all in good humor’ was written on her face plainly.

Luna was cackling. Midnight was in stitches. Schnee was (poorly) hiding how much she was laughing through her visibly blushed face. Highground was smiling widely at seeing Stella get eviscerated.

He took a much larger sip of his drink.

“Holy shit,” he muttered.

And through it all, Sveta soldiered on:

“And despite all that… ye managed tae snag friends that ye didn’t coerce over alcohol,” she said, gesturing open-handed towards the roaster group.

“They say you can judge a mare based on the company she keeps. Well… I see Midnight made it—the fuckin’ walkin’ sexual harassment lawsuit. You’d be in jail if everypony didn’t want yer legs wrapped around their head!”

Midnight seemed a-okay with that description of her, and Fred watched her lasciviously lick her lips and aggressively claw towards Sveta.

“Highground’s up here, too! Glad tae see ya, lass!

“Stella was always intae older mares. Did she try tae get ye tae fingerblast her when she agreed tae share the rent with ye all those years ago… and a friendship just fell outta that proverbial twat?”

Highground was chuckling genuinely… but had the demeanor of somepony that silently proclaimed, ‘oh if only you knew what horrors I’ve seen.’

Sveta flipped a small notecard over.

“Her Royal Highness Princess Luna made it up here! I don’t have anythin’ tae hold against ya—and not fer fear of bein’ thrown in the dungeon, mind you all,” she caveated.

“I’m just honestly surprised that you haven’t killed her yet, ma’am!” Sveta finished.

Luna giggled evilly into her hand before shouting out joyfully:

“Stella knows not how many times she’s been close to death with me!”

Fredrick took another glance over to his mare in question and found her just… beaming. She was still recovering from an earlier laughing spree and her face was flushed to boot. This was likely also because she was refilling her glass after touching off the first Northern Sap. She just… radiated.

Turning back to the action, Sveta smiled at her mom… who just stared back at her.

“Oh, and… hi mum! I love you!” she then waved innocently to much laughter and applause.

And then she leveled her gaze at the untouched mare of the group: Schnee.

“And last but certainly not least—how could I forget the lovely Schnee: the prettier, more distinguished version of me sister. I honestly have nothin’ tae roast ya on, lass! But fuck me, I hope you’ve gotten tae smack Stella a few times with yer arm!” she quipped.

The Alemaneian mare giggled heartily at, seemingly, the thought of that.

“But… all that bein’ said…” she began anew and turned back towards Fredrick and Stella.

The only difference this time, was the loss of her iconic smile—it was now much warmer and loving.

“Stella, yer a rat-faced bitch splattering of afterbirth… but yer the best goddamn sister I could ever ask for. You’ve always been there fer me and bailed me out more times than I can remember. Despite all the shit slingin’ over the years, and the quality bants, I fuckin’ love you so much.”

Fredrick felt her eyes on him, now.

“And Fredrick… like I said before, yer not even a pony of this world. But you’ve become more like a best friend tae me than most ponies I know. All I’ve ever asked of you was tae take care of Stella—and I knew me trust would not be misplaced. Yer perfect for ‘er. I’m so happy tae finally have you join our family as me brother-in-law, mate.

“I love you both, and I wish you nothing but the best together. Congratulations you two! Thank you, all.”

And to a chorus of heartwarming ‘awwww’s and revving applause, Sveta concluded her bit… but not before joining Fredrick and Stella by the thrones—the latter intercepted her sister with a bright smile, and they threw their arms around each other.

Fredrick could hear them whispering something to one another that he couldn’t make out, but his intrigue whittled away when the two separated, and Sveta launched herself at him. He caught her in his arms, felt her peck his cheek, and was content to just share a nice hug with her.

She whispered:

“So happy tae have you in the family now, Fred. Thanks fer keepin’ Stella grounded. Sorry if that was too harsh?”

“Pleasure’s all mine, Sveta. Thanks for everything. And hell no—that was fuckin’ hilarious! I promise I still love you.” he replied.

“That’s gay.”

“No you.”

Amid the standing ovation from everyone and smiles all around, Sveta finally separated from Fredrick (who returned to his seat with Stella) and quickly announced:

“Thank you! And… up next is Midnight!”

And with that, she and the mare in question swapped places, though Sveta took the already empty chair to kick back and enjoy the show. The hulking Midnight sauntered purposefully over to the podium with that smug, confident, alluring aura that so defined her. The way her dress hugged her also further amplified her rather commanding presence.

Once she got there, she wasted little time in getting right into her routine, and sultrily replied:

“Thank you, Sveta~,” she said. “And hey, talk to me after the wedding’s done and we can see about my legs around your face~.”

“Oh fuuuuuck off, lass!”

Midnight giggled heartily, took a sip of her drink that she took with her to the podium, and then smiled brightly at everypony. Her massive, excitable smile seemed to capture all the light that Luna’s extra-bright moon afforded for the occasion. Combined with the glinting of the various colored, magical flames of the torches and this mare herself could have been the main attraction by just her existence.

She then proceeded to carry on right where Sveta left off:

“Alriiiiiiight! How goes it, everypony? As the bustier sister introduced me earlier, I’m indeed Midnight Song. Lovely to see you cuties all here, and a massive thank you to all parties involved for letting me participate in this beautiful ceremony! I’ll partake in the roast!” she began.

Fredrick felt a slight, primal shiver crawl down his spine like a spider trying to escape a compressed-air flamethrower when Midnight set her sights on both him and Stella.

“And what can I say about the beautiful newlyweds?

“I’ve known Stella for years by this point, I’d say. I have a little more tenure here at the castle than she does, but I had the pleasure of meeting this spunky batpony mare about a week after she got posted here.”

Midnight flipped her hair over to the other side of her neck and chuckled.

“The Solar Guards have a habit of playing little pranks on the new Lunar recruits. The target of one of these pranks happened to be the mare sitting right in that throne right there,” she pointed right at Stella…

…who seemed to be reeling with nostalgic hilarity from whatever Midnight was going on about.

“Well… this raw recruit ended up shattering the nose of a corporal who startled her a little too much. Ended up taking him out of rotation for a good couple month because apparently the damage was a lot worse than thought.

“Pretty sure she also psychologically scarred the poor fellow when she ranted at him for five minutes straight before medics arrived. Never heard such words come from a pony before…” she recounted to much whooping from Stella’s family.

Midnight put a hand on her chest.

“And I watched this all happen… all unfold before my eyes when I was just simple guardsmare infantry. I knew from that point on that this recruit was going places. Probably to Tartarus in a handbag… but places nonetheless.”

Fredrick was taking a drink and nearly choked when he saw Midnight leveling a dainty finger at him.

“And I met Fredrick on happenstance when I had to intercept Stella as planned for a prank on him! Pranks seem to follow this mare wherever she goes, it seems…

“But when I first lay eyes on him, I thought he had a disease or something because he had no coat that I could see from a distance. But then I realized that he was indeed just not from here like they all said, because he has a nice head of hair and is a general cutie much like his mare,” she said, batting her eyelashes at him.

Fredrick retreated back into his drink, earning much good-natured laughing at his expense.

“But EVEN THEN…. I realized that, Fredrick… you are technically diseased! Because I don’t know how anypony could survive dating Stella—who is literally cancerous!”

Fredrick smiled widely and nodded, wholly impressed. Stella was in stitches as was to be expected. Sveta pointed at her and laughed with all her body.

“But… it really doesn’t matter in hindsight considering I had spent the better part of a year and a half trying to get Stella to sit on my face, to no avail. All we got out of it was some lousy, friendly rivalry I guess,” she shrugged.

Fredrick, wide-eyed and pursed-lipped, really had been trying to keep some manner of composure the entire time. But alas, the blatant admission of what he already figured to be true since the two knew each other was too much. He was not successful in this attempt… especially when he saw Stella giggle evilly.

His hilarity only had a small hitch when Midnight turned back to him.

“And unfortunately, Stella wouldn’t let me sit on your face, so here we are again!”

Stella interjected right there:

“Lass, you’d kill him if ya did that! Let’s be realistic here!” she joked.

Fredrick answered rather regally:

“I would accept my fate for Princess and country.”

“HAHAHA!” Stella burst out.

Fredrick heard Luna emit the deepest, most guttural, involuntary guffaw he had heard in the last year. To that end, he was happy his little quip resonated with her specifically.

Midnight continued with more than a shit-eating smirk on her face.

“Duly noted,” she said, and then focused her attention more on the roasters:

“Thankfully, I won’t have to talk about my deepest held fantasies for the next couple minutes… especially since there’s ponies up here on the stage whom I actually enjoy the respect of…

“Like Mommy Highground over here!” she greeted the smirking, lovely-dressed CPD officer with a few tactical battings of her eyelashes.

Highground reacted quite visibly with an exaggerated eye-roll. Her smirk never evaporated though—she knew this was coming.

“I love a mare in uniform, and I really love a hot mommy mare who obviously hasn’t gotten any in a minute,” Midnight then added.

While the laughing was raucous, Highground blushed, looked horrified, looked like she wanted to laugh, and seemed scar-oused all at the same time. Fredrick did not know this look until he saw it, but goddamn he was seeing it right now.

Highground stuttered out:

“What in the hell do you mean ‘obviously?’ I-It’s fuckin’ only dick and cunt jokes with you, isn’t it? Is that r-really all you got for me?” she asked, chuckling.

Midnight innocently cocked her head to the left and spoke in that exaggeratedly innocent tone—a tone that would infuriate most, but she somehow made it sexy:

“I mean… I could bring more to the bedroom than that if you like?”

Fredrick heard Stella fucking collapse in her chair. She was sitting and she still managed to collapse somehow in a heap of cackling. Highground, however, wordlessly responded by throwing both her hands up. She clearly lost this one, and she knew it—she merely took a massive swig of her drink thereafter and shook her head.

Her smirk remained right where it was though.

“And there’s Princess Luna herself!” she directed attention to the diarch.

“She and I have what you would call a… special relationship. You see, when I was recruited to be one of Princess Celestia’s honor guards, she was actually the pony that interviewed me for the job, not the captain!

“And the first question she asked me was: ‘what was your intention in applying to be the final line of defense for my sister and co-ruler?’” Midnight fondly recalled, and Luna seemed to remember exactly where this went, if Fredrick seeing her purse her lips and shake her head in good humor was enough of a give-away.

“And that’s when I told her: ‘Your Highness… my intentions are exactly what anypony who wanted to get closer to your beautiful sister and her, deep down…

“...to protect her from all close threats, foreign and domestic, of course!” she drew out her allusion, much to Luna’s readily apparent annoyance.

“And… I have done exactly that,” she winked.

The building laughter from everypony was incredible, and Fredrick knew for a fact he could hear Celestia shrieking in hysterics at her table.

Midnight promptly moved on:

“Schiavona’s here—the mother of the bride herself!” she said, beaming innocuously at the Sabre matriarch. Fredrick did flinch a bit when she said her full first name, though.

“I can see where Stella gets all her stunning looks from! Thankfully very little of her personality, though!”

“Hah! Fuck you, cunt!”

“I stand wholly corrected!” came Midnight’s immediate about-face, to much good-natured laughter from everyone, especially Stella and Vona.

“And Sveta? You sure you don’t wanna arrange something after this? I mean… you must be tired after wrangling your sister around all day! And ma’am, your milkers look so heavy… I can hold them for you if you like?”

Sveta rebutted with her hands around her muzzle in the greatest spirit of her mother and sister:

“Hah! Fuck you, cunt!”

Midnight giggled heartily into her hand.

“Honestly, if it weren’t for those honkers of yours, it’d be pretty hard to tell you and Stella apart in the right light, is all I’m saying…”

She then lay her eyes upon the only one who had gone… ‘unmolested’ this round.

“And of course, last but oh… almost certainly not least, Schnee—as gorgeous on the eyes as you are, I at least know that you’re not related to these bats up here. I’ve always enjoyed a mare of a more civilized—and cuter—demeanor.

Schnee responded immediately after downing a bit of her drink:

“Hah! Fuck you, cunt!”

The sheer way she just blurted that out so cutely in her petite form and dress was such a stark contrast to… well, everything about her. Everyone lost their shit completely and devolved into a chorus of laughter that resembled clowns being diddled just right for a circus act involving a tiger and an adolescent elephant.

Midnight needed a few moments even after the communal laughter died down… and had to take a couple sips of her drink to further moisturize her mouth again. She ran her fingers through her mane a few times before taking a deep breath.

“Whew. Right… welp. Guess war changes everypony a little differently,” she said, shrugging.

Midnight then turned back to the newlyweds:

“But what I know won’t change… is the bond these two over here share,” she gestured to the two of them.

“Stella—despite our little ‘rivalry,’ you’ve shown to be a competent and wonderful leader… one who has inspired me to be a better pony. And Fredrick—you’ve brought along a personality and tenderness with just the right amount of bullshit in between to really pull the best out of the mare sitting next to you. I consider both of you fantastic friends of mine.

“Despite me wanting to sit on both your faces, I couldn’t imagine a better, more ‘perfect’ couple than you two. All the best to you, cuties… and come find me if you’re gonna spice up the bedroom,” she finished with a wink.

“Thanks guys!” she then formally finished.

Amongst the applause, Fredrick and Stella happily bounded from their seats to thank her properly with a hug and a a few words before Midnight took her seat again.

Once Sveta calmed down a little more, she was quick to announce:

“Alright! Who wants tae go next, loves?”

Schnee shot her hand up the fastest and with such conviction that she could have probably broken the sound barrier.

Sveta pointed right to her, then the podium.

“All yours, lass! Here’s Schneeblume!” Sveta announced to the next round of welcoming applause.

As for the mare in question, she topped off her drink entirely with one gulp, the cutest ‘ahhh,’ and then strutted up to the podium with a purpose… where the podium was just a little too high for her, but she made do. From what Fredrick could see, she could at least see above the brim without issue, but once again going from the imposing character and figure of Midnight to that of the smol Alemaneian was certainly a stark, yet tasty contrast.

“Good evening, everypony!” she began spryly, offering up a little wave to everyone.

Fredrick had to stifle an impending heart attack at her little gesture.

“I’ll warn you all,” she continued with a rather telltale slur with some of her words. “I’m a little tipsier than most right now because I don’t think I’d be able to say such… things about everypony here if I was completely sober. Ja, I’m doing the roast,” she said.

Fredrick glanced to his left out of reflex when he heard Stella clapping her hands together eagerly. She then leveled her probably-now-permanent smile at him:

“Oh, fuck this is gonna be good, mate…” she surmised.

Fredrick tittered evilly as well.

“Smol cute mare, war vet, tipsy to questionably drunk, volunteering to take part in a roast… I don’t think we know what will be wrought.”

“Aye, but it’ll be funny regardless!”

Schnee continued:

“But… enough forewarning. What could I possibly say about the perfect couple over here?” she said, drawing her gaze between Fredrick and Stella.

“Stella is very dear to me… we only happened to meet on chance many years ago. And… well. Soldier-to-former-soldier, she understood some things a lot better than the average pony.

“And then she promptly called me a cunt, which—as a foreigner—took me a little while to realize that she meant that endearingly. I learned that, in the Northern Range and the surrounding area, declaring somepony a ‘cunt’ can sometimes be the highest honor around!

“Only somepony with courage, distinction, tact, and true merit could have the wisdom to know who truly deserves such an endearment! Such a title as ‘cunt.’”

Schnee looked at Stella fully, and a sudden wave of smugness just radiated off her like yet another nuclear disaster.

“I’m sure you’ll be that mare someday, Stella.”

Fredrick felt his jaw hit the stage floor, and the ambient, painful, yet hilarious sounding ‘ooooooooh’ coming from the crowd and the group on stage was all it took to confirm what he just heard. His laughter exploded in earnest, especially when he heard (and then saw) Stella nearly fall out of her chair, snorting and laughing like a goddamn maniac.

The quieter mare had played everypony like a fiddle… again. Even if it wasn’t the hardest-hitting joke by far, it punched above its weight coming from her.

“Fredrick, however, was a different story entirely!” she continued.

“I was apparently unaware of his existence for a good year before I was introduced to him! Such a shame, because from the moment he shook my hand on Stella’s birthday evening that one time, I already knew that she had chosen well… just from the way he met my gaze,” she seemed to fondly recall.

Said fond recollection seemed to die immediately like twenty thousand Frenchmen in one day during the Battle of the Frontiers when she shot a rather stinging, accusatory gaze at him.

“And then when he offered to take the bill for the entire party that night, I had to wonder how big his dick was for Stella to remotely even put up with that Pferdescheiße! You still can go fuck yourself for that night, Freddie,” she added.

Fredrick only shrugged through his cackling.

“You’ll never get an apology out of me, Schnee. And I’ll fuckin’ do it again!”

After one of the cutest giggling fits from her—which involved her cheeks drunkenly coloring—she blew him a raspberry before moving onto her next targets.

“The unfortunate thing is that I simply don’t ‘know enough’ to poke fun at you, Princess Luna… nor you, Frau Sabre…” Schnee lamented.

And then added to that with the most infuriatingly innocent tone that befit her perfectly:

“Though… I’m pretty sure that’s your faults and not mine. Actually… for a while, I thought Equestria still only had one ruler… and that Stella had a loving mother. Can you blame me for missing that?” she asked.

Fredrick could not believe his ears. He could feel his eyes had gone full Looney Toons status, and from the halfway-gargling and choking laughter from Stella’s chair, he knew that she was on the edge of death right now. Sveta was just… deceased. And Fredrick witnessed Luna wipe her forehead as if she were sweating from just how hot that was. He could also have sworn he heard Celestia high on laughing gas.

“But that certainly doesn’t mean I have nothing to say about Miss Sveta over here!” she began anew. “When Stella and I met, I knew she had a sister—she had informed me of your presence, as it were, when we got a little closer and better acquainted as friends.

“And from the night I met you, I could’ve sworn that you were Stella’s twin… because clearly her personality went straight to your tits,” she said with an impossibly straight face…

…a stoicism which broke down almost immediately when what she just said replayed in her mind.

Sveta smiled—humor aplenty in her eyes—but shrugged at the implication.

“Why’s it all jokes about me tits?? Do any of ye have any fuckin’ creativity?”

Schnee blinked a couple of times… then angled her head over to her almost inquisitively.

“Wait… you mean to tell me you’re known for anything else?” she asked as if she was legitimately wishing to be enlightened.

The ‘oooooooh!’ that emanated from the audience and… really everyone else could probably be heard across the entire country. The collective oof was undeniable. The hyena-esque laughing from Stella and Schiavona was irrefutable.

Sveta, to her credit, nearly choked on her own spit with how hard that blindsided her on the back of her head. Even through her own impressed laugher, she held her hand, as if offended, to her heaving chest.

“Schnee… SCHNEE!” she cried out.

“OUCH!”

And apparently seeing her reaction created a feedback loop back to Schnee… who then doubled over in her own laughter, sprinkled with some clearly-evident guilt for what she had just uttered.

“I’m sorry, Sveta—I just couldn’t resist,” she said.

“Oh fuck off, lass! That was hilarious! Ye need tae drink more often!”

As the full-on laughter receded and turned back into light giggling, Schnee pressed onward when she turned her attention to Highground.

“Ahhh… Highground. The ‘responsible’ one. The guardian angel of the group,” she began anew with a friendly smile.

“I still remember everything you did for us that night, you know… herding us around like cats to make sure that we didn’t kill ourselves… or somepony else,” Schnee recalled…

…and then punctuated that final word with one of the absolute cutest giggles Fredrick had ever heard. His heart fluttered like the first time he ever saw a baby golden retriever.

Nevertheless, he and Stella listened with rapt attention—they had been surprised by this progressively-getting-drunker mare in the past couple minutes, neither of them was really sure where she was going with this. But… that certainly didn’t mean that they didn’t want to see where this was going. All eyes and ears were on the smol mare to see what she would say next.

Highground herself was hanging on every one of Schnee’s genuine words… cocked eyebrow and cautious eyes heavy with playful suspicion of the mare at the podium.

“But I guess when you’re past your prime, you must get your excitement from some source… even if it means just being a chaperone for younger mares to live vicariously through,” she said.

Highground’s steelier exterior decidedly collapsed right then with a throaty laugh, and she scratchily cackled into both of her hands. From the inhuman and inequine sounds coming from Stella to his left, he was starting to wonder whether she was going to actually die tonight from laughter.

Regardless, facts were facts. From all the… interesting happenings at the appropriately named ‘Echo’s Bizarre Adventure’ to now, Schnee was a firecracker when she was drunk. Or maybe, more like a bottle rocket ready to take out someone’s face at a moment’s notice.

Highground was eventually able to manage out:

“Schnee, I love you so much. Stella better keep bringing you out with her, I swear.”

The inebriated mare then set her sights on the last pony she hadn’t said anything about and lowered her eyelids predatorially.

“Ahh… Midnight. Mitternacht,” Schnee began. “You know, when I first met you… and you gave me your hand to shake, I wasn’t blind, you know.

“I knew you were flirting quite heavily with me. I knew your intentions. And in my mind about you, I was thinking… ‘I’d much rather overcook a grenade and blow my remaining hand and forearm off,’” she regaled.

Fredrick watched Stella nearly fall out of her chair the second time tonight.

“FUCK ME!” she squealed, and launched into raucous laugher, along with the rest of the gathering present…

…though Fredrick did have to intervene when Stella started choking on her own spit, and he made sure to help her sit back up and pat her back, so she didn’t expire. However, him being a good boyfriend-turned-husband didn’t mean that he couldn’t laugh at her expense while he did his noble duty.

“You good, babe?” he asked through his own chortling.

She nodded eagerly, tears streaming down her face by this point just from laughing alone.

“Aye… fuckin’ hell mate… I didn’t fuckin’ expect that outta her. Any of this! This is the best day of me life!” she managed to huff out.

“PFFT! Oh, so marrying me didn’t qualify today as being the best of your life, but Schnee shitting on all of us does?” he dared ask.

Stella batted her eyelashes at him.

“Oh don’t worry… today was firmly number two!” she said out loud… before leaning in and whispering into his ear with a much more lascivious tone:

“…because you stuffing me with yer cock fer the first time and cumming inside me was firmly number one,” she teased.

Fredrick could feel his face blushing redder than a keyboard warrior on social media, but he did well to try and keep a more ‘neutral’ visage for the moment at hand. After all, it probably wasn’t socially appropriate to be sporting a sudden, pulsating hardon in the middle of a communal speech session… in front of all their friends and family.

He merely nodded with pursed lips.

“That’s fair,” he said.

Schnee shrugged.

“But… there are some redeeming qualities about you, Midnight. So, we can continue hanging out… for now,” she said, winking.

“And from there, my rambling aside, I’d like to bring it back to the newlywed couple here,” she dragged her gaze back to the two of them sitting on the thrones of honor.

“Stella. Fredrick. You both have come a long way… even from how far along you two were when I met you. And you two have consequently become better friends to me.

“Stella, from the day we first met to now, you’ve always been there for me. You’ve seen me at my highest and my lowest. Your friendship means so much to me… more than I’m able to express to you, soldier-to-soldier,” she said…

…and then turned to Fredrick.

“And Fredrick? I think you and I share a little bit more in common than you may realize. Both of us, in a sense, came into a world that we didn’t recognize… albeit in different contexts. And like me, I think you’ve managed to get a grip on an insidious monster…” she said, and then looked knowingly at Stella.

“And I’m not talking about your schwanz, either.”

“Wow, lass. Woooooow.”

“You two are amazing, I adore our close friendships, and I wish you two the happiest lives of peace, love, and lots of alcohol! Thank you so much for letting me share this with you,” she then finished.

The applause and residual laughter were uproarious, and Stella was first in line to embrace her tightly, having bounded out of her chair. Fredrick was right next in line to jump her with a massive hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Stella was the first to get her thoughts out of her mouth:

“Mate, we’re gettin’ yer pretty little flank drunk more often. This is not fuckin’ negotiable.”

Fredrick and she were on the exact same wavelength, and he decided to weigh in with mostly the same idea:

“Exactly what she said, Schnee! Thank you so much for being here… and for all of that,” he giggled, following up with a hug and an exchanged peck on the cheek.

“Nein, thank you two! That was fun!” she said, giggling as she skipped merrily back to her chair.

Once Fredrick and Stella took their seats again, Sveta was quick to announce the next in line:

“I have been informed that Her Royal Highness Princess Luna wishes tae go next! So… here’s the Princess!” she said and gestured towards the podium.

All eyes were on the Lunar Princess as she stood from her chair and glided towards the podium. Her dress—owing to its color—seemed to mesh with her coat and twinkled in the light of the Moon of her own making. She drew all eyes. Curiously adding to her natural allure was the fact that her entire demeanor had gone stoic…

...curious indeed, considering she was cackling a mere minute ago.

And yet, with a single piece of paper in her delicate grasp, she stood at the podium and cleared her throat. Fredrick was suspicious—and he figured that this stony exterior was likely going to be part of her act. Either way, he was about to find out!

His and Stella’s hands reunited with one another as Luna then stretched her neck from side to side. Her words were as cool and calm as her demeanor:

“Good evening, everypony. Now, based on the… riveting displays we’ve had over the last fifteen minutes or so, many of you would likely be expecting a similar act from myself! However, as co-ruler, I personally feel it would be…”

Luna twirled a couple fingers in front of her as her gaze shifted between the newlywed couple and the rest of those in attendance.

“...inappropriate, to take such shots at my subjects, even in jest,” she ‘admitted.’

Or at least, she tried her damndest to keep fronting that exterior. After years of knowing and having daily contact with her, he could read her mannerisms like a nutrition label when taking a shit in a public restroom without your smartphone for company. That subtle tug of the corners of her mouth—among other things—told all.

“However!” Luna said as she raised her index finger. “I make a very specific exception for…” she pointed lazily at him and Stella.

“...these two cretins, here. Though, mainly the bat.”

Fredrick smirked right back at Luna when she leveled her knowing gaze at both him and Stella… and his smile was further amplified when he heard Stella’s telltale, odd-mix-between-cackling-and-giggling. He really didn’t know the name for such sounds she was making, but god did they make him feel all fuzzy in the tummy.

Luna unfolded the single piece of parchment that she had with her, on which Fredrick could discern some bulleted, yet gorgeous handwriting.

“I would first like to address Stella, here… opening up with the fact that she is an imbecile,” she got right down to brass tacks.

“She is a hot-headed, temperamental asylum-tier retard of the highest caliber, worthy of even the shortest of bus chariots. And please bear in mind: I say this from a place of love.”

Fredrick already had his face buried in his hands laughing, while Stella was just giddily giggling girly-like… strapping in for the inevitable ride to come. It seemed that everypony else was doing the exact same thing.

“Which is why I would like to take this moment to further lend credence to my words and read off a list of… incidents I’ve compiled, that were either the direct result of her actions, were her actions, or actions she was indirectly involved with.”

Stella fell back into her chair and groaned.

“Ahhh fuuuuck me…”

“Heh, parents gonna find out some stuff for the first time?” Fredrick wagered with a snicker.

She nodded, her prideful yet smug face not abating in the slightest.

“Aye… but she’ll probably say some shit I fuckin’ forgot about anyway. I can’t wait fer a little… refresher!”

Luna cleared her throat and began reading with the same level of emotion… or lack thereof:

“As a corporal, convinced her squad mates to target practice with live ammunition by shooting apples off of each other’s heads.”

Fredrick heard Stella pipe up jokingly with something he had already heard by this point regarding that incident:

“One time! I did it once!” she faux-complained.

Luna promptly continued:

“Half-responsible in provoking a mass melee between the entire Lunar and Solar Guard.”

“WHAT?!” both Schnee and Vona asked simultaneously.

Vampir, who was sitting entertained in the crowd, only nodded a few times—wholly impressed. Stella then recollected with a valiant attempt at keeping herself together:

“HAH! Oh yeah! I did do that! PFFFT! Fuck me it’s been a while!”

“Snuck in one mare and one stallion from the Solar Guard into the Lunar barracks during Lockdown exercises… so they may engage in romantic and sexual relations with their partners.”

Over the audience laughter, Stella further objected with a bright smile after her own bout of snickering:

“Oi! Forgive me, Yer Majesty… but I shall not be the one tae stand between love!”

“It was a seven-hour lockdown exercise, Stella.”

“Love can be fleeting sometimes, aye?”

“Indeed?” Luna questioned with a faux-haughty air to her words. “Well, you know what was also fleeting at one point?

“Your career.

“You see, years ago, Stella was… erroneously passed up for promotion. The pony who should not have been promoted held this over her head at a tavern. She then delivered a very clever retort in the form of smashing his face into the counter and threatening to slice him with broken glass.”

Wide-eyed, Fredrick looked at Stella with an intense glare… though his hilariously astonished, open-mouthed gave his thoughts away.

“Excuuuuuuse me?”

Stella was too busy reveling in the nostalgia through her laughter to really care.

The Luna train was stopping for nopony:

“Threatened to… allow me to say this verbatim: ‘insert a rusty nail through a Solar Sergeant’s clitoris’ if she ‘ever so much as reflected sunlight in her general direction again…’ as a corporal.”

Fredrick threw his head back against his seat, his throat getting sore from cackling so hard.

“Jeeeeeeesus Christ, girl… what in the goddamn…” he remarked.

“Look mate… I was a wee bit fuckin’ slogged on me day off and she pissed me the fuck off. As I’m sure you know, I don’t have a lotta control over me mouth when I’m pissed… in both senses,” she reminded.

Fredrick was not convinced.

“Honey… you don’t have any control over your mouth to begin with. Do you remember the night we first met?” he countered.

Quite loudly for everypony to hear, Stella replied with the ‘shittiest-eatingest’ she was capable of… and only then did the human realize that he had set himself up for her next line.

“Honey…” she mocked. “That’s a fuckin’ lie, because ye know good and well I have perfect control of me mouth when I’m ‘inhalin’ yer Richard,’ as you say…~”

Fredrick buried his face in his hands, shaking his head as he laughed heartily.

“Uuuugh god I hate that you say that now, and I hate how fair that is…” he noted.

“And then there was my absolute favorite incident—when you unknowingly told me to… what was it again?” Luna asked rhetorically, bringing her parchment closer to her face, so she could make sure she ‘got it right.’

“Ahh, right! Stella was still relatively new when this happened. During a training exercise, a magical generator went offline unexpectedly. Stella was the only pony… lithe enough to fit under the damn thing so she could manually reset it.

“As she crawled under it—to where one could only see her hooves—she set to work while her squad mates watched and waited for unicorn engineers to arrive. I happened to be strolling right around the corner and inquired what she was doing underneath said generator.

“And apparently she did not know my voice well enough by that time, as Stella promptly told me, and I quote: ‘Mate, I’m giving her ye olde lickeroo to fuck-start this fat cunt and make her purr like cat in heat before the horned fucks arrive—what the fuck does it look like I’m doing, you fucking knob-goblin.’”

Fredrick needing to collect his jaw from the floor again aside, this was the first time he could recall seeing Vampir’s exterior utterly collapse and fumble to remain in his chair.

Luna threw her hand up dismissively and drew her gaze over everypony.

“I mean… these alone should tell you the kind of pony one is dealing with. And Fredrick, I have not the slightest clue as to what captured your attention, and what ultimately kept your attention.”

She then added under her breath, wide-eyed in deep consideration:

“The fellatio must be incredible…

“All that to say, sometimes a first… or fifth impression truly does not tell you much about somepony until you are able to properly work with them… or rather, witness their work.”

Luna focused her gaze on Fredrick now… and the poor dude was preparing for the worst.

“Fredrick… you are one of my best friends, so the whole ‘not taking shots at my subjects’ is a bit more relaxed around you. But really, I still partially feel bad about the whole sex reversal potion incident. From what Stella and you told me in our little post-mortem talk, I think you’ve suffered enough for a couple years.”

Fredrick threw an exaggerated thumbs-down and hollered with the aid of his free hand around his mouth:

“Boooo! Copout from the Princess!”

She was not at all fazed and returned his giggle-worthy display with a rather challenging stare.

“I could divulge—and then ‘roast’—you over the many… many… many dreams I’ve accidentally walked in on…” she said, as if pondering a course of action.

Fredrick was swayed by the audience’s salacious sounding ‘ooooooooh~’ and inquiring giggles.

“On second thought… that’s fair. Apologies for the rude interruption. By all means, continue,” he urged onward with a shit-eating smirk.

“That’s what I thought, Freddie~.”

Luna’s stoicism melted into a much fonder look, directed right at Stella.

“Despite all these incidents… you’ve been one of my most competent commanders of the Lunar Guard. Not only that, but you also command one of the highest approval ratings and strongest adorations of any commissioned officer that I have in my ranks. I’m including the whole military in that by the way!”

Fredrick blinked hard at that last assertion by the Princess, and he made sure to glance over at his bride and convey a wordless, pride-filled smile right at her.

“Captain—Stella, you’re a complete buffoon and simian of purest order. But you’re also an equally amazing, entertaining, and downright hilarious mare. The number of times I’ve had proper belly-laughs with you involved somehow is too many to count. And its these qualities, among many others, that—all jokes aside—I can see exactly why Fredrick has gravitated to your side this entire time,” she explained.

“And Fredrick?” Luna started anew. “For the record… though Celestia and I will always be eternally in your debt for ever ripping you from your world into ours… it has filled me with joy that you’ve managed to find a loving home here. You’ve been an absolute joy to have as a close friend, and I think I speak for the both of us that your future remains as bright as her Sun.

“You and Stella are perfect for one another, and I—and Celestia—could not be happier to be a part of your union. We wish you both the happiest of lives together. Thank you all.”

Another standing ovation, and the only difference was that Stella didn’t bound over to throw her arms around the Princess… she wanted to, that much Fredrick could see… but she hesitated.

Luna sure didn’t, however… when she bound up a shorter Stella in her grasp and damn-near cracked her spine trying to hug her with the cutest, childlike smile on her face. Fredrick was not spared the same treatment… and in fact he was also given a nice, wet peck on his cheek as a privilege of getting his lungs obliterated from her alicorn-strength bear hug.

Sveta was quick to keep moving things along as everypony retook their seats:

“Up next is the mare, the myth, the legend… one of Canterlot’s finest: Highground! Get up there, lass!” she commanded with smiles all around.

The mare in question stood up, ran a few fingers through her crimson mane, and casually made her way to the podium to applause from everypony…

…as well as to some sexual remark from Midnight that Fredrick couldn’t hear entirely… all he was able to glean were the words ‘Canterlot’s finest’ in that sort of speech. Either way, Highground appeared to hold to her namesake and not respond to it in the slightest.

She cleared her throat and gave a lopsided smirk to everypony.

“You know…” she began. “I was never really one to throw around insults and stuff. I think that’s probably most apparent from my entire relationship with Stella thus far.

“Our friendship’s mainly consisted of her getting riled up and angry over dumb shit… usually at me. And then me smirking as I let her make a goddamn fool out of herself. It’s been like that ever since we met… when she had barely turned 18 and was waiting to enlist in the army, and when I was a rank or two below what I am now.”

She brought the brim of her glass to her lips and took a gentle sip, followed by a refreshed ‘ahhhh.’

“Welp. If there is one thing I can say about this mare for certain: she’s remarkably consistent because she hasn’t changed a goddamn iota. It’s a damn good thing that you’ve got Fredrick as your eternal, personal tard wrangler… because otherwise I might actually have to file some police reports!

“Not even because they’re ‘bad’ per se. But like… whenever I’ve had to bail this mare’s ass out of trouble…” she pointed directly at Stella. “I was more… impressed at some of the shit she pulled or got herself involved in, rather than mad at some gross illegality.”

She took another swig of her drink… with a look that said that she needed to do that before she continued.

“Like… one time I got woken up in the middle of the fucking night after a reeeeeaaaally long shift. An eighteen-year-old Stella had ended up getting involved in underground prostitution, allegedly. I literally thought she started selling her body to the night right before she ships off to basic… so I’m ready to kill her. So, I throw on a uniform and when I get down there…

“No.”

Highground shook her head as she brought the thought to the forefront.

“Instead, she had apparently hung out with a couple girls from the local brothel and nearly started a riot at an underground chariot race. Everypony just assumed she was also a prostitute because of how… little she had on. And when the police arrived to break up the unruliness… that’s what happened.”

Stella was laughing uproariously as she appeared to remember exactly what happened. Fredrick’s own giggles flowed like an unobstructed stream.

“And…” she recalled, a half-smile crawling up her cheek. “I don’t remember laughing harder than I had that night. What happened was just so… ridiculous. So surreal that I just couldn’t believe I were on the same plane of reality at the moment.

“So yeah, I wrangled her back home and made sure she didn’t get into any trouble. Nopony got seriously hurt, so that was the silver lining.”

She took a moment so everypony could get their laughter out of the way, but she still found time to stare at Stella with a knowing smirk while just shaking her head.

“But I have to say… from then on, things seemed to get better. Before then, you and I were never ‘close’ in the friend sense. Hell, we were just roommates, really. But after that, I started seeing you more as a friend. And after more shenanigans, adventures… and even more shenanigans that didn’t stop even since you’ve been in the service… here we are,” she said.

“Back then, I was… really going though some shit within my family,” she pivoted a bit from her friendly lambasting and retelling of her friend.

She smiled fondly at the younger mare in question.

“And I don’t think I ever told you, but I’m so happy you were there to help put a bunch of smiles on my face… even if they were at the expense of my sleep.”

These words must’ve meant a lot more than just their surface, because to Fredrick, Stella herself seemed somewhat stunned at the way Highground was saying this.

“You really did help me through some dark times, and I don’t think I ever properly thanked you for that. Even though I don’t always like putting up with your bullshit, I hope that my friendship has made up for it.

“Which is why I was adored that you found somepony… someone that you actually felt like having a proper relationship with—FINALLY. And I’m even happier that I get to be a part of your goddamn wedding,” she said.

“And Fredrick?” she began anew. “Thank you.

“Thank you for always being there and keeping one of my best friends alive and in check. Thank you for giving her the love and support she deserves. I know I’m gonna get shit for this later over some drinks, but Stella means the world to me. Please keep her as happy as you’re doing through marriage and life.”

“You know I will, Highground,” Fredrick assured.

Highground beamed right back at him.

“And that’s all I needed to hear. As much as I want to shit on the rest of you here… I’m gonna take the… high ground on this one. But, thank you all for letting me take part in this, and especially you, Stella and Fredrick. I love you, Stella!”

And through the applause, Fredrick didn’t think he ever saw Stella move faster in her life to jump and embrace Highround. Even more than that, her eyes told all as she held the older batpony nice and tight. The sight was just…

…so. Wholesome.

What further tugged at his heartstrings were the soft words he could overhear as the two batponies held each other.

“I love you so fuckin’ much, HG. I’m sorry fer puttin’ ye through any grief.”

“Shut the fuck up, girl. I’ve enjoyed every bit of it. I love you too—I’m so proud of you.”

“Thanks fer bein’ here, mate.”

Highground pulled back and Fredrick eagerly received her in his arms, holding her as tight as she was holding him… which was pretty damn tight.

“Keep her ass grounded, alright?” she implored.

Fredrick giggled as he patted her back.

“You know I will.”

And as everypony filed back to their positions, that meant there was only one pony left in the lineup… somepony that Sveta was all too happy to announce onto the stage.

“Absolutely beautiful… and now, we come tae the final, yet certainly not the least important of us all here tonight!” She began. “This one’s a—”

“Oh fuck off, lass! I don’t need a fuckin’ introduction!” Schiavona brushed past her daughter and strutted up to the podium to another round of laughter.

And in another wholesome moment, Fredrick heard Vampir whistle—attracted—at the smol-er batpony mare who had taken her designated position. He knew for a fact that that would be him several decades from now, still married to Stella.

Well, at least the catcalling part. He could only hope to be as jacked as Vampir was. That was one long-term goal to work on. He had already accepted the fact that he’d never be as much of a chad as him.

In a bout of joking surprise, Sveta re-took her seat, and Vona began speaking in earnest with the brightest of smiles on her face.

“Right! Well… here’s the thing,” Schiavona began. “As much as I want tae just make fun of Stella until the end of the night tonight, I don’t think anythin’ will really come of it.

“Because honestly, I shit all over her on a daily basis—with love, of course! And there’s nothin’ I could really say right now that I haven’t even said tae her already… again, on a daily basis,” she explained to a few errant chuckles. Fredrick’s included.

“…and with love, of course!” she reiterated, giggling.

“And I mean…” she threw her arms out. “Even if I did partake, it’s not like I could top anything that’s already been said. Ever since I pushed her outta me, she’s consistently been the best joke I’ve ever made, anyway.”

The laughter was immediate, and Fredrick was an unwilling participant… but Stella seemed to predict her mom’s answers from a mile away:

“I FUCKIN’ KNEW IT!” she declared before joining in herself.

“And… there’ll be plenty of time tae continue that as time rolls on,” she said. “Which is why I’d like tae use this time fer more… productive and dare I say, ‘wholesome’ reasons. This won’t take long,” Vona continued.

She reached behind her neck to the clip of the necklace she was wearing—one which Fredrick hadn’t even noticed up to this point—and undid it. It fell limply and bunched up into her palm, but she took extra care to make sure it didn’t tangle up. And as she took careful strides towards a curious Stella, she held it up for all to see.

“This simple necklace… of a golden chain and a single, violet crystal, is a family marriage heirloom. The chain has been replaced many times throughout its life, but the crystal is what’s more interestin’.

“For you see, my child,” she now addressed Stella personally. “This is The Sabre’s Crystal. Your father gave it tae me when we married, as his father tae him, and his grandmother to his father, and so on. We can trace its possession through the Sabre lineage—as well as some others—fer… quite a few generations. It’s said tae channel all the love ye have fer one another… and keep it as fresh is it was when you first tied the knot.

“Oh—and don’t worry, Sveta,” she reassured. “There’s somethin’ fer you when you’re hitched off as well.”

Sveta smirked, nodding.

“I know, mum.”

An enamored, starry-eyed Stella nodded with rapt attention through the murmurs of the crowd as she continued to listen. Fredrick as well was completely taken, but he was able to sneak a glance down at Vampir… who looked like he was actually about to cry.

“Mum…” whispered Stella.

“And with that,” she held the necklace in front of a wide-eyed Stella. “You were the first tae marry—which surprised both yer father and me. We expected Sveta tae beat ye by a long shot!

“The torch be yours tae carry this, and hand it to yer child or in-law as you see fit,” she said, placing the chain around her daughter’s neck, clipping it in place much like it was for her previously.

She kissed Stella’s forehead, and then pulled back while still softly cupping her cheeks.

“You’ve grown so strong, me daughter. While we’re happy tae see you find someone ye want tae settle down with, we couldn’t be more thrilled that it was somepony around even the same league as Fredrick here,” Vona gestured to him.

Fredrick blushed, but his own feelings were thrust aside when he saw what looked like goddamn anime waterfalls pouring from Stella’s eyes.

“Through all the banter, we just want ye tae know how happy you make us.”

Stella sniffled.

“All I ever wanted tae do was make you and dad proud, mum.”

Schiavona stroked Stella’s cheek with her thumb.

“You already have—and continue tae do so every day. I love you so much… now stop cryin’ ya fuckin’ poof yer gonna fuckin’ get me started.”

“Oh fuck off ya nyaff,” Stella replied and pulled Vona into the tightest hug yet to much applause.

Meanwhile, Fredrick sat all fidgety and beaming in his chair—this shit was getting much too wholesome for his own health. All that he was happy about was Stella getting fawned over… and this was amplified fuck-fold when Vampir made an appearance on the stage to properly embrace his daughter.

And it was sure something to see Stella’s entire form being enveloped by Vampir.

But as all these pleasantries drew to their close, that meant everypony who needed to, had already spoken. Sveta sailed right back to the center of the stage with an excited smile plastered on her face.

“Alriiiiight! Well… that was fuckin’ rivetin’ if I do say so m’self! Now I think we can all kick back and enjoy the—”

“Oi fuck right off, cunt!” Stella stood up and motioned for Fredrick to do the same. With a smile that matched hers, he got to his feet… knowing exactly what was planned and what was about to happen. This was gonna be fantastic.

“It’s our turn now!” she said when she stepped up to the podium. Fredrick was right behind her.

“Indeed it is! At least… to just have a quick word,” he said. The shit-eating grin he had was probably gonna remain on his face for the rest of his life.

Stella scooted over just enough where Fredrick could also get behind the podium, though their arms and hips had to cozy on up a bit, which was totally fine by the both of them.

Stella looked at Fredrick and beamed.

“How’re you, love?”

“Oh I’m fuckin’ fantastic. Peachy as all high hell in case you couldn’t tell! Today… well, tonight’s been a fantastic time!”

“Oh aye?” Stella dared to ask, much to everypony’s amusement. “And just why could that possibly be?”

“Well…~” Fredrick brought a finger to the side of his mouth, gazing up at the heavens in ‘deep thought.’ “I just happened to get hitched to Equestria’s Hottest Piece of Ass tonight, so you could say I’m kinda balls-to-the-wall stoked right now,” he ‘enlightened’ her.

Stella giggled all girly like.

“Is that so? Damn… I’ll haftae meet her some day! So I can remove her fuckin’ duodenum fer ever thinkin’ about getting’ with me stallion!”

Fredrick blinked hard and looked right back at her, on the verge of cackling again.

“For fuck’s… what… do you even know what a ‘duodenum’ is?”

“And do you know what the ‘Thestral Banana’ means?’”

Fredrick was actually confused now… and was debating if Stella was even part of this act anymore. He shook his head.

“N-No I don’t.”

She replied oh so jovially whilst batting her eyelashes:

“Well mate, it’s what’s gonna happen tae ye if you don’t stop asking me if I know what a duodenum is!”

“I suppose that’s fair…” Fredrick said, giggling. “But damn… that was quite the show from everyone. Where the hell do we even start to address all of these?” came his rhetorical question to his wife.

She clicked her tongue as she smiled lopsidedly.

“I think I’ve got an idea… why don’t we start from the top?” Stella asked.

Fredrick was keen to play off her.

“The tip top?”

“Aye! Even more fittin’ when the tip top is too top heavy that she has trouble fittin’ in her top, aye? How goes it, Sveta?” she set her sights on her sister with an evil grin.

Sveta meekly waved back at her, to much giggling from everypony present.

“Say Fredrick… isn’t it interesting…” she began. “…that she said you were in me shadow in our relationship… but her own lovely personality lives in the shadow of her own under-tit?”

The cackling and ‘oooooh’s were telling. Sveta buried her forehead in her palm and shook her head while pursing her lips. She at least put up the usual middle finger as would be appropriate for the situation.

Fredrick put faux-consideration to Stella’s point, all while doing his damndest to not laugh his ass off. This was all so ridiculous, and he loved every second of it.

“That’s a really good point, babe,” he replied, nodding. “I also find it funny that you, Sveta, are the epitome of the perfect mare. You’re physically fuckin’ indistinguishable from perfect, and you’ve got a hell of a brain on your shoulders…”

“Aye, that she do.”

“…and somehow you’re still flat-on-your-ass single, so you’ve got dick to say about anything,” Fredrick concluded by making a heart at her with his hands.

Stella nudged Fredrick’s side with a knowing smirk.

“More like she doesn’t have dick, innit?”

Though everyone—including Sveta—were smiling and laughing all in good fun, Midnight’s guffawing was a bit of a cut above the rest, and in being reminded of her existence in that moment, the duo focused on their next target.

“Midnight!” Stella called out rather aggressively, so much so that Fredrick felt adrenaline get shoved straight up his poopdeck and he jumped in his shoes.

“Don’t even fuckin’ laugh at Sveta, girl. You’re in the exact same fuckin’ boat as her! Perfect pony fantasy and fuck-all tae show for it!”

Midnight objected to that rather heartily:

“That’s not fuckin’ true!” she said as she scooted her chair much closer to Schnee’s… the latter who turned her head very slowly towards her wondering what she meant by that.

“I beg your pardon, Midnight??”

“Then beg little flower~.”

Schnee’s rather serious front was crippled by whatever Midnight said to her and she fell into her own cackling fit.

Fredrick found the perfect opportunity to weigh in though:

“Jesus Christ, Midnight… with that reaction and your obvious size differences, how the hell did you even get her to ‘snuggle’ with you that one night? What did ya… give ‘er a fuckin’ dandelion or something? A flower for her flower?” he speculated.

Schnee’s and Midnight’s mouths plunged to the floor, and Stella started laughing so hard, she needed to stabilize herself on Fred’s shoulder and the podium… lest she fall to the floor.

“HOLY FUCK MATE!” she squealed, burying her face in his neck as she still heaved.

“Mein Gott, Fredrick! I’d appreciate if you didn’t murder Mitternacht in cold blood on stage!” Schnee added to the fire.

Fredrick almost felt bad for that remark. Almost. But once everypony calmed down, Stella took the reins again and moved everyone forward with the previous remarks as a jumping off point.

“Ahhh Schnee… you’re too fuckin’ adorable fer yer own good sometimes, lass!” she said before downing the rest of her own drink.

The mare in question blushed through her own giggling. Midnight, seemingly by instinct, scooted even closer to her… as if said giggling was magnetic.

“But really, maybe you’re right! I’m not exactly that mare of merit and… righteousness or whatever the fuck you said. But here’s the thing lass. Tomorrow mornin’, I might become that mare. But you’ll still be a cunt, so who wins out in the end?”

It was Fredrick’s turn to almost collapse from the podium, and his lungs were having massive difficulty taking in air. It was good that Midnight conspicuously scooted next to Schnee enough, because the poor mare looked like she was having a stroke from laughing so hard. She needed to be held and propped back up with help from the larger batpony.

Alcohol and ‘the bants’ were one hell of a combination.

Once Fredrick regained his shattered composure, Stella’s last blitz was the perfect platform to move them on:

“Heh, well… Stella, you sure Schnee’s the cunt? Because from some of the shit Princess Luna was just detailing right there, I think you may be deserving of that title a lot more than her.”

Stella shrugged, open-mouthed smile and all.

“Oi, I was bringin’ spice tae the guard force! Her Highness took a solid bet on me and it paid off clearly,” she said.

Luna clicked her tongue.

“It appears that way, yes… but there is still time for that investment to tank~,” she pointed out.

Stella appeared more than a little accepting of that.

“Aye, that’s fair enough, Ma’am.”

Fredrick blinked as he turned to her.

“Geez… didn’t think you’d just roll over and take that, hon’. You goin’ soft on me?” he dared ask.

“Nah mate… but you tell me how good of an idea it is tae sling shit at both yer employer and one of the most powerful mares—physically, magically, and as a head of state—in the world?” Stella countered.

Fredrick nodded in consideration.

“Ehhh yeah, I guess that’s pretty true. The princesses are my employers too, actually. But beyond that, I’m more afraid of Luna’s previous threat to reveal my deepest dreams that she’s apparently been snooping on,” he added, and shot a knowing look to the Lunar Princess…

…who returned a much more innocent one that could make anypony’s blood boil in a less light-hearted situation.

Stella cocked an eyebrow.

“Mate, you really that fuckin’ anxious over her puttin’ em in all the papers across the country?” she asked.

Fred nodded once, deeply.

“Ooooh yes. In fact if I had the choice, I’d much rather get a handjob from Schnee.”

The poor flower mare, who was taking another drink from her recently topped-off glass, choked and spit out her gulp of the elixir—wide eyed—to the chorus of both uproarious laughter and those ever-juicy ‘oooooooh’s. Midnight slapped her hands to her mouth in some attempt to stem the tide of her gut-busting, leg-swinging laughter but to little avail. Vona, Highground, and Luna looked almost impressed that those words came out of Fred’s mouth. Sveta literally fucking squealed.

Stella, having been resurrected in the past ten or so minutes, was now categorically deceased again.

“NO. FREDRICK NO! BAD FREDRICK! HOLY FUCK ME!” she managed through shrieking laughter.

She fell to one knee behind the podium, with one hand up top for support. The reactions from everyone around him fueled the humor fire in him and he-himself was having problems stemming the tide of tears streaming down his cheeks from his own maniacal cackling.

He helped his wife up and shook his head as everypony calmed down, and he turned to face Schnee… who had pursed, ‘disapproving’ lips that were desperately trying to veil how funny she found the remark. She even shook her head at him for good measure.

Fred gestured open-handed to her.

“Fuck… I actually feel bad for that one, Schnee. I’m sorry, hehe,” he giggled.

Schnee only responded—in complete deadpan—with a dismissive wanking and cumming gesture RIGHT at Fredrick with her ceramic hand. That alone amplified everyone’s laughter for another round as she and Fredrick shared a moment together. It also allotted time for everypony to collect themselves after that exchange.

Stella wiped the tears from her eyes and sighed out, her pearly whites taking precedence on her face along with her golden eyes glinting in the full moon above.

“Whew… didn’t expect that outta either of ya, mates,” she said. “Well… and I think we’ve already covered mum and Highground over here since they decided tae be super wholesome or some shit. Fuckin’ queefs.”

“Hmmm…” Fredrick replied. “I think you’re right! Which means all that’s left is… you.”

Fredrick faced her, and Stella faced him in kind with an equally mischievous smirk.

“Aye… that means you, too.”

Wordlessly, the two took each other’s hands and let their gazes zero in on each other’s eyes. They knew what had to happen now… what they didn’t get a proper chance to during the actual ceremony. And both couldn’t be more excited—for once in their lives—to get the words out of their mouths and into the open, regardless of who was watching or listening.

Hell, with the crowd, they hoped they would listen.

Fredrick sighed, a blush taking over his face as Stella’s eyes bore into his, comforting any possible remaining nerves that weren’t silenced by the alcohol and laughter by now.

“Oh, Stella… what can I say about you?” He began. “Never in my life did would I have reasonably expected to end up right where I am… holding your hands and officially married to you. It doesn’t make sense.

“None of this…” he gestured around to everything. “…makes sense. One thing I’ve maybe told you once or twice in passing as a joke, but it’s actually kinda true: I fear that one day I’m gonna wake up and this has all just been an elaborate dream.”

Stella quietly listened, wide-eyed as she was taking in his words. Her smile never abated, and she only nodded for him to continue.

“Well… I’m happy to say that I’ve been lucky in not waking up so far,” he said with a smirk. “So either this isn’t all a dream, or if it is… I hope I never wake up. Because right now, I much prefer waking up here getting to see your gorgeous face every day. But now? I look forward to waking up next to you so it’s much easier to see your gorgeous face every day,” he added to a small chorus of giggles.

“I love you, Stella. I don’t know… but maybe somehow, I knew the day I met you that I loved you. You’ve been there for me when I was at my absolute lowest and helped carry me forward. I can’t tell you exactly how amazing you make me feel every day… but I hope I can repay it all back to you in giving you just as many warm fuzzies that you give me.

“I vow to you, Stella, that you’ll want for nothing… and as your husband I will make it my life’s goal to keep you smiling. In a universe of literal magic, you’re my entire world.”

Those words felt like heaven itself to get out into the open… properly. And Stella seemed to be ready to pick up right where he left off, though this was dampened a bit by a chorus of applause and adorable ‘awwws’ from everypony. Apparently, that’s all it took to break her a little more, and Stella had to wipe her eyes.

“Fuckin’ hell…” she muttered shakily.

Nevertheless, she reaffixed her gaze back onto his and held his hands just as tightly.

“Fredrick…~” she began. “I didn’t know what tae expect the night I met you. Hell, I thought I was just gonna get a show with some freaky-lookin’ fuck… well, I did in the end, heh.”

Fredrick rolled his eyes, even through the pain of smiling right now.

“But I never expected it tae lead tae this… anythin’ like this. As I watched you get used tae yer new life here, I grew tae admire you and yer spirit, even if you were a bit of a goofy, nyaffy sod. And through that, I thought you were… fer lack of better words, fuckin’ hot. I don’t think you knew how badly I wanted tae get at ye.

“Really, me intention was fer a sort of ‘mates with benefits’ situation. But when I got tae know you even deeper, I realized I wanted more. And even through that, I never would’ve predicted our last couple years together. I wouldn’t change it fer anythin’.

“I love you, Fredrick. You’ve been with me through me cuntiest and you still stayed. I vow to you, Fred… that as your wife, every part of me is open tae you… including me entire heart, which you’ve held onto fer quite some time. I may be yer world, but yer me everythin’.”

Another round of ‘awwwws’ from the crowd… and an especially adorable, combined squee from Midnight and Schnee. Combined with those powerful words and how regal Stella looked under the extra-bright moonlight, Fredrick nearly lost his cool in front of everypony… though a little bit of liquid pride managed to escape his eyes.

Just a little, though.

Fredrick pursed his lips through his hopeful, prideful smile and nodded.

“Well… then I guess you’re stuck with me,” he declared.

Stella cocked an eyebrow.

“I’d have it no other way, love…” she said, and then quickly tacked on with a cheeky smirk:

“Especially if the ‘glue’ holdin’ us together is yer cu—”

“MY ISN’T THAT JUST SO GODDAMN WHOLESOME!” Sveta interrupted at the right moment before Stella did what Stella was oft to do.

And the way she said it made Fredrick and Stella burst out laughing together, though they quelled that on their own by sharing another intimate kiss while Sveta continued to ‘herd the cats.’

“At any rate, while these two take their sweet time suckin’ face… that concludes our pre-party festivities and the rather… unorthodox exchanging of the vows,” she reflected with a giggle.

She snapped right back to her beaming, toothy grin.

“Which means that it’s time tae really start partyin’ it up! Give these two squatbubbles the night of their lives!” she declared, and then began sequentially pointing to different areas of their venue.

“Get more drinks! Get some food! Go play some games! Go fuckin’ dance!” she declared, then gestured to the rest of her band that was sitting at their designated table.

“It’s time! Come on, lasses! Let’s play it up tonight!” she beckoned over, ready to get set up on stage.

And still holding a hand with his wife after they separated from their kiss, Fredrick witnessed everypony breaking and doing their own thing. Schnee whisked Midnight away to get more drink and food… especially the latter it seemed because of Midnight’s lightweighted-ness. Vampir—hilariously—scooped up a stunned Vona and hauled her onto the dance floor, where some music already kicked off while Sveta and her band got properly set up. Highground sat at the front, kicking back and more than happy to take a breather from being in the limelight.

Luna and Celestia also seemed to be making a beeline for food and drink. Fredrick could only wonder how that was all gonna go. He had only seen either of them drunk a couple of times.

Those were… interesting times.

With his arm around Stella’s waist, Fredrick looked upon the scene of jubilance and splendor, and glanced over to his wife.

“So… what now?”

Stella smirked.

“How about we eat something, get fuckin’ drunk, and dance until we pass out?” she suggested.

“God I love you so much, Stella…”

“I love ya too, Fredrick… so so so much more than ye know. Now let’s fuckin’ goooooooooo!”

And with that Stella whisked him away by the hand off the stage, where their path across the dance floor and towards the food tables seemed illuminated by the stars themselves. That was more than likely just the alcohol taking effect, though… at least in Fredrick’s opinion. Their plan, however, was dashed almost as instantly as it was conceived when—the moment the two stepped onto the dance floor—they were swarmed by everypony in the area that wanted to deliver a much more personal congratulations.

Fredrick was stunned as a small lake of younger thestrals—all Stella’s cousins, some extended family, as well as some of acquaintances—congregated around them. Stella seemed right at home, beaming in familiarity at all the late-teen and early-twenties (he wagered) faces staring right back at them as they all exchanged banter and pleasantries.

As for him, he felt much like he did the first time he met Stella—a deer in the headlights. It was the same exact feeling, except several times worse given the sheer number of relatives who were excitedly crowding him. For a while, it seemed that his marriage to Stella would be a short one, as it was patently obvious that everypony here hadn’t seen a weird human before. He’d probably be smothered to death by a pure Scottish entity.

Thankfully, salvation came in the form of a much more familiar relative of Stella when Fredrick’s arm was yanked to his left. His entire body followed suit with a mighty lurch.

Schiavona squeezed him tightly around his torso with a bright smile and a massive squee.

“Congrats, love!!! And thank you so fuckin’ much fer takin’ Stella off our hands!” she gleefully exclaimed, pulling back just to look up at him.

Fredrick didn’t get to respond as Vampir cut in with his hand… which Fredrick gladly shook. But even more than that, the larger thestral opened his arms to him with his own wide smile.

“Welcome tae the family, son!” he exclaimed.

Thankfully Vampir didn’t crush his lungs through said embrace, which meant that Fredrick was able to live to properly thank his newly made in-laws.

He beamed right back at both of them, and even more so when Schiavona and Vampir took hold of him for a three-way hug this time.

“Thank you both so much for letting me become a part of it!” Fredrick said. “I’m just glad you two wanted me to even stick around in the first place!” he joked.

Vona cleared her throat.

“Say it…” she ordered through a knowing, gritted smile.

Fred cocked his head.

“Say. It. Ya know ya want to…~”

With a swelling heart to go along with his ever-swelling smile that hurt his cheeks to sport by this point, Fred sighed and nodded.

“Oh alright alriiiiight,” he began to his expectant in-laws. “Heh… thanks… mom and dad.”

And to Fredrick, it didn’t feel at all weird to say such a thing… in fact, it felt right. If there were any doubts in the slightest, they would’ve been quashed the moment Fredrick heard—and saw—Vona squee and bounce in place. She then promptly threw her arms around his neck again.

Nothing else needed to be said, and the knowing and prideful look that he and Vampir shared during his embrace with Vona told all. For all intents and purposes, Fredrick was now officially welcomed and a part of clan Sabre.

What a time to be alive.

First greetings of the night quickly made way into their first meals with everypony around them, with Fredrick and Stella inseparable at the hand by this point. And in turn, that gave way to proper dancing and drinking once Sveta and her band had taken the stage. In continued flouting of tradition, Stella and Fredrick did not have a ‘formal’ first dance, and instead let their tipsiness take root as they danced to the greatest hits Sveta’s band had to offer.

One thing that Fredrick did make sure of was to not get blasted drunk despite his earlier thoughts. He didn’t want to run the risk of getting into the festivities so much that he went full blackout and forgot aspects of this momentous night. Apparently, Stella seemed to be on the same wavelength, as every time the two of them went for drinks, she appeared to consciously limit herself to whatever Fred was drinking.

And even more than that, the two seemed to be even more on the same wavelength… as Fredrick needed to break from the festivities of the dance floor to cool off and grab some fresher air after a couple hours. Having wandered to the edge of the courtyard, he was joined by his wife, who followed him not-too-long afterward.

“Hey there, gorgeous!” he greeted eagerly, leaning against the courtyard railing and bathing in the ambient noise of the party still raging.

Stella brought herself right up next to him.

“Sup, fucker?” she ‘greeted’ in kind.

“Living in this moment, my dear. Almost feels… surreal. Like it’s not even happening even though it is. I mean… I can feel the air cooling my skin. I can feel this railing of the courtyard border. I can touch you,” he explained, and punctuated by reaching for Stella’s face and cupping her cheek.

He could, indeed, feel the smoothness of her skin combined with the microfiber-esque feeling of her facial-coat… and he could definitely feel that smile of hers forming against his palm.

“Hehe… It’s not a dream, love,” she giggled, blushing a bit under the bright moonlight that served to warm him up as well. “You sure ya didn’t have too much tae drink mate? Or… maybe you had somethin’ else when I wasn’t lookin’ if yer getting’ all fuckin’ handsy with everythin’ like this, aye?” she jokingly insinuated.

Fredrick smiled for the thousandth time tonight, though he sported a rather sarcastically unimpressed look in return.

“Nah… I guess subconsciously my mind has a teeny problem reconciling the fact that I could even get with—let alone marry—a mare like you. Of your caliber.”

It was Stella’s turn to look unimpressed. She declared:

“Oh yer still on about that? It’s been fuckin’ years now, mate. Get used tae it: yer stuck with me lad, whether you like it or not by this point!”

She snuggled into his side, and Fredrick happily accepted her as they looked out into the distance beyond vantage of the courtyard. He then lay his head atop of hers.

“Heh, I could say the same thing right back to you again, babe. I love you.”

“I love you too~.”

“Just promise me one thing, lad?”

“Hmmm?”

“No queefspawns fer at least five years, please?”

“Girl, not a fuckin’ problem at all! Heh, whaddya say we have a few more adventures on our own first before we give Vona a grandchild?”

“Language of love, Fredrick. Language of love.”