Everypony is Sad

by hazeyhooves

Rating: teen
Tags: Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sad
Length: 1019

All of them. Every pony. They're all sad.

All of them. Every pony. They're all sad.

Proud winner of the "most controversial" award of the June 2016 Writeoff competition.
It did not make the finals. This made some voters sad.

Published 2016-06-21 03:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-06-21 03:20:01 UTC

Chapter 1

Twilight Sparkle was sad.

She was sad because usually Rainbow Dash's wings were broken while performing a high speed stunt. But today they weren't.

How could she visit her in the hospital and have a good cry if Rainbow Dash was perfectly healthy?

She flew to Rainbow Dash's cloud villa.

“Oh hey Twi! What's up? You ready for the big-- AGGGHHH.”

“Rainbow Dash, you need medical attention.”

“WHAT THE BUCK WAS THAT FOR, YOU--”

Twilight teleported her friend directly to Ponyville Hospital.

She didn't feel sad anymore.

Chapter 2

Scootaloo was sad.

She was sad because her parents died. She had to live as a homeless orphan in a dumpster.

And it was all Rainbow Dash's fault.

She couldn't fly to Rainbow Dash's cloud villa, so she waited for Rainbow Dash to come to her.

“Hey squirt. How's it hanging?”

Scootaloo wanted revenge, but she loved Rainbow Dash too much to pull the trigger.

She kissed Rainbow Dash instead.

Rainbow Dash pushed Scootaloo away. “Eew, gross. I killed your parents because they wouldn't stop kissing me either.”

Scootaloo cried.

Chapter 3

Rarity was sad.

She was sad because her little sister had been kidnapped by the Equestrian government.

Sweetie Belle had been taken to a top secret lab, where scientists performed experiments on her nervous system.

This gave Sweetie Belle incredible psychic powers, but she could not control them very well.

She escaped from the lab and went on a rampage through Neo-Canterlot.

Rarity chased after her on her custom motorcycle.

“Sweeeeetieeee Belllllle!”

“Raaaaariitttyyyyyy!”

“Put those wrinkled mutated children down! The gala's tomorrow and I still haven't put the finishing touches on your dress!”

Chapter 4

Applejack was sad.

She was sad because she can't read.

“Yeehaw! Ah cahn't reahd, shugahcuhbe!”

I can't read that either.

Chapter 6

Fluttershy was sad.

Um, I don't know why she was sad.

But you know how Fluttershy is, she's always upset over some incredibly minor issue. Maybe she saw the grass and got scared.

“I'm not sad.”

No, I'm pretty sure she was sad. She's always sad, because it was her default emotion.

“That is not true.”

Well you're sad right now.

“I don't feel sad.”

Then what's with all the tears and sniffing?

“It's hay fever.”

Oh.

Fluttershy wasn't sad. Ignore this chapter.

Chapter 7

Vinyl Scratch was sad.

She was sad because she was madly in love with the prim and proper Octavia.

But Octavia didn't notice the manic pixie dream girl DJ, even though they were perfect for each other. Because she was deeply in love with my OC pony.

Vinyl Scratch gave up on Octavia and listened to some dubstep music to cheer up.

Wub Wub Wub Wub Wub.

But she still felt sad. Because the dubstep music was also deeply in love with my OC pony.

Chapter 8

Maud Pie was sad...?

Maybe?

Um.

Chapter 9

Nightmare Moon was sad.

She was sad because her past still haunted her.

She had taken over Equestria and banished Princess Celestia. The ponies now lived under her beautiful, eternal night.

But she remembered those years being shy and anxious. She was ashamed of her actions as Princess Luna. Especially that one Nightmare Night fiasco, with the spiders. That was terribly awkward.

How could anypony forgive her? She couldn't even forgive herself. Her past as a moody redeemed ex-villain haunted her. She could feel the stares of her subjects burning into her. They never talked about it, but she knew they were judging her. Bitter over the pony she used to be.

Each night she punished herself within her own dreams.

But the wounds never closed.

Nightmare Moon remained sad for the next thousand years.

Chapter 5

Pinkie Pie was sad.

She was sad because she felt lonely and insecure.

She found an icepick and murdered all her best friends.

Then she murdered her good friends. And her acquaintances. And then everypony else in Ponyville.

But they were all immortal alicorns. They could not die, so they forgave Pinkie Pie. They didn't even really care.

Since the whole town's population was alicorns, they felt sad as well. They angsted over immortality, because they would go on living forever while their friends passed away. They thought about how they would someday visit each other's graves centuries from now, while shedding a nostalgic tear.

This made them feel too sad to ever leave their homes. This made Pinkie Pie feel pretty lonely and insecure, without anypony to talk to.

So not much changed. Pinkie didn't feel any less sad than before.

Chapter 10

The changeling was sad.

It was sad because it was starving.

Like all changelings, it parasitically fed off of other ponies' love, draining them of all vigor and emotion.

For the past few years it had fed off of Rainbow Dash's inexhaustible love for herself.

Rainbow Dash was currently stuck in the hospital with a broken wing, so that bountiful supply of love was cut off.

It had to find a new host. But where was love to be found in this harsh, cynical world known as Equestria?

The changeling nearly gave up hope, but then it detected an intense beacon of love nearby! This love radiated so fiercely, so freely, magnitudes stronger than even Rainbow Dash's narcissism. This was the mother lode!

The source was a pony named Twilight Sparkle at her favorite restaurant, the Hay Burger. She loved burgers so much. She wolfed them down, completely unconcerned with anypony witnessing her lack of table manners.

The changeling pounced on this opportunity without hesitation. It knew that its entire life had been leading up to this pivotal moment.

It used its changeling magic to reshape itself as a giant burger, diverting all of Twilight's love from the edible burgers toward the impostor. The gluttonous pony didn't notice anything at all, so she continued chowing down.

Both Twilight Sparkle and the Changeling never went hungry again.

Burgers!

Author's Note

"Wow. I honestly wish this had ended in burgers." -- FanOfMostEverything, on the Writeoff version.

WISH GRANTED.