Dear Princess Luna

by arcanelexicon

Rating: mature
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Nightmare Moon, Princess Luna, Comedy
Length: 1067

Luna answers questions about the moon.

With a thousand years of beliefs and myths about the moon, Princess Luna tries to set the record straight.

She totally regrets it.

Rated teen for some very light sexual humor.
Contains some out of character Luna.

Published 2016-06-18 03:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-06-18 03:10:01 UTC

Letters

Dear Princess Luna,

Is the moon made of cheese?

No. Sadly, the moon is not made of cheese. It is made of rocks and sand. The sand is the worst kind of sand as it will dry your skin, gets in all the wrong places, and leave you wanting for a spa session just to get it all off (1).

However, I do recall Nightmare Moon keeping all the candy offered to her in a secret stash in the moon.

Dear Princess Luna,

Is there a dark side of the moon?

There is a place where the sun does not shine, so, yes, there is a dark side of the moon.

Dear Princess Luna,

I have heard that the moon is nothing more than a conspiracy to keep us ponies bent to the will of the Tetrarchy. The moon is nothing more than an illusion!

Do you want me to send you to the moon?

Dear Princess Luna,

Where does the moon go when the sun is out?

Discord eats it after it sets. I hear that it is fat free, gluten free, has no cholesterol, and is a good source of vitamins, minerals, and fiber. I just make a new one everyday from all the chees.....all the rock and sand in the castle.

Dear Princess Luna,

I hear that the full moon is a major cause of lunacy. Is this true?

I shall answer thee with a question: Do you notice how much easier it is to see at night when there is a full moon?

The full moon does not cause lunacy. It does, however, allow ponies to see better at night.

And who takes advantage of this extra light? Why, the town drunks of course. They stay longer in bars and thus they drink more than they normally do, as it it is easier to stumble their way home on a moonlit night. These drunks started blaming the moon for their stumbles, and since drunks tend to babble incoherently, other ponies thought of them as raving mad lunatics.

Dear Princess Luna,

Can we have more moon themed holidays? Nightmare Night is my favorite night, and I wish for more celebrations that feature my favorite Princess!

Fear not, faithful subject, for soon, we will also celebrate the Lunar New Year with the Chineighs.

Dear Princess Luna,

Why do wolves howl at the moon?

You'd howl too if I mooned you with my Royal Plot.

Dear Princess Luna,

Is it true that a full moon helps with fertility? I want to bear a foal, but it seems that everything that I have tried has yielded only failure.

Science and magic has advanced by leaps and bounds in the previous years. There is this new technology called In Vitro Fertilization, or IVF as it is called. My opinion though, is to first try EVF, which stands for Everyday Vigorous Fucqing (please note that there is no longer a need for Fornication Under Consent of Queen, aka Equestrian Form #69, as the Changeling Queen is no longer our ally). If EVF does not work, then please see a trained medical professional for your options, and if it does work, please send me a letter so I may have my Royal Guards deliver you a care package.

Dear Princess Luna,

It is in my belief that Nightmare Moon was never sent to the moon, but rather, was just locked in a dungeon, then banished, then exiled, then sent to her room in the dungeon, in the place that she was banished to while she was exiled. Thus, ponykind never set foot on the moon. It was all a hoax.

I do recall Nightmare Moon making a friend from the moon, a moon rock named Rocky (2). If I recall correctly, he married Houlder's Boulder, and that is the reason why we have rock farms today. All because of a moon rock named Rocky, that came from the moon.

Dear Princess Luna,

Does the moon affect your heat cycle?

No, the sun does. You can blame my sister for that one.

Dear Princess Luna,

Is it true that wereponies come out during the full moon?

No, but vamponies do, as it is easier to spot their prey on a moonlit night.

Dear Princess Luna,

What does it mean when ponies say something about a "blue moon?"

Your Princess of the Moon is blue.

Dear Princess Luna,

Does the moon reflect all of the light of the sun?

No, it only reflects about seven to ten percent of the light of the sun, and this is why we have taxes. If it was up to my sister, Equestria would have gone broke five millennia ago.

Dear Princess Luna,

Is it true that the moon helps in one's romantic pursuits?

I'm still single. Whaddayathink?

Dear Princess Luna,

Why does the moon have phases?

It is a way for me to showcase the night my little pony.

A night with no moon gives you a full glimpse of the stars, the constellations, meteor showers, and if you live to the far north, like let's say the crystal empire, you can easily catch a glimpse of what me and my sister work on together, the Aurora.

A quarter moon shows a smile to all my little ponies. It eases their tired minds, and reassures them that I guard them from nightmares while they sleep.

A half moon has fueled Equestria's drive for enlightenment. The debate rages on as whether the moon is half full or half empty. Those who see the moon as half full strive to fill it with more, while those who see the moon as half empty strive to see what is missing.

A full moon gives a comforting light to those who travel, guiding them on their journeys and fostering the spread of new friendships all over Equestria.

TLDR version: It kinda gets boring if I just place a full moon there all the time.

Dear Princess Luna,

How fast can the moon go?

The moon can do the Castle Run in twelve parsecs.

Dear Princess Luna,

Is the moon bigger than the sun?

No, my sister has a plumper ru...I mean, the sun is bigger.

Author's Note

Please see Luna's Diary

Please see Luna's Speed Dating Experience