Friendship
Dear Fluttershy,
I’m writing you today because you deserve an explanation more than anyone. First before anything I want to say that I am sorry.
For so long I have been depressed. I started getting bullied badly when I was six, and it has just gotten worse since then. I never told anyone about the bullying and it soon became a everyday thing. For the past fourteen years I have hid how bad I truly am behind my mask. After you do something for most of your life, it’s near impossible to stop. I was beat up on a daily basis, and everypony just assumed I got the injuries from doing stupid things as a filly. When I was around ten years old, I started hurting myself. I would purposely fly into a tree, or land wrong. Hurt my leg or wing, make a bully mad at me so he would hit me. Anything I could think of to feel physical pain. For just that moment, it eased the emotional pain. It never lasted long enough. I started doing it more and more, until I got to the point where I started using a knife. Unfortunately I was to smart for my own good. I rarely went deep, and I never did two next to each other. Nopony was the wiser.
When I was thirteen, I was hurt badly by someone who I trusted and called a friend. Two weeks later, I found out that I almost lost you. The thought was unbearable. I hated myself so much after that. I blamed myself because you were my friend. I should have noticed. I could have stopped it, and I could have helped. I was too young and blind though. I regret it everyday. A couple months later, I broke down and attempted my first time. Nopony ever found out, until now.
As a filly, I lost most of my family. I felt useless, and a waste of space. Now that I am a grown mare, my family is broken. Yes my parents are still together, but they fight constantly. I don’t talk to anypony else in my family. Let me re-phrase that. They don’t want to talk to me, and I’m okay with that. I’m the black sheep of the family, so why would they want to? I don’t even want to, but I can’t split myself into two. Growing up I always tried to be loyal to my friends and family, even if it felt like a lost cause. I second guessed myself all the time, but I can’t fight who I am.
The day I met you was amazing. You were my first and truest friend. So many years later, we became friends with the other girls and Spike. For the first time that I could remember, I started to feel happy. That cloud never went away though.
The entire time
you showed me that no matter what, everypony deserves kindness.
Pinkie showed me to always smile
Rarity showed me that everypony is different, and we should embrace it.
Twilight showed me that there is a lesson everywhere you go. You just need to be aware.
Lastly Applejack tried to show me to always be honest. That is one thing I never really caught onto. I am making up for it now though.
After a while, I noticed you were all hanging out with each other more and more. Everypony kept assuming that I was too busy being lazy, or working the weather. At first it was kind of nice, day off here or there. After a while it became once a week that I would get to do anything. That was my fault though. I should have tried harder. I started feeling alone again, and all the feeling from before resurfaced. So I put my mask back on. It’s true what they say, ponies don’t really change that easy.
I’m a Wonderbolt, hero of Equestria, a element of harmony, but in reality none of that matters. My dream, the fame and pride, and even the representation of my spirit just seems artificial.
And I would give everything up in a heartbeat if I could just be truly happy with my friends. With YOU.
I had a taste of happiness, and I think that is why it’s so hard to put this mask on and keep it on. It has gotten to the point that I barely feel anything emotionally. I started to self harm again, but even that isn’t as effective as it used to be.
I am just a empty carcass of what could have been a mare.
I want you to know that this wasn’t anyponys fault. Lives go by. Hours, days, months, years go by and every pony grows up. Yes I aged physically but emotionally I feel trapped. I still feel like that little filly that wants to be held. To feel the warmth of another pony. I always had to be the strong one though, the one you can do anything to and she wouldn’t care. The one who could handle anything, then be capable of turning around to help others. That is who I was expected to be, and strived to be. Everything builds up after a while though, until the point where you break. I broke a while ago, but my stupid pride kept trying to repair it. That only lasted so long. Even if it was possible to fix it now, I don’t even think I would attempt to try.
I wouldn’t be me anymore.
I beg everypony not to cry over me. I’m not worth the tears. Instead look towards the sunlight of tomorrow. You all see something I was never able to, and you should take advantage of it. Buck that stupid cloud that followed me my entire life out of existence and start anew.
I was a horrible pony inside. I was rude, naive, selfish, and prideful. I lied, and rarely cared about anything that wouldn’t benefit me or a friend in need. I was lazy, and rarely was able to laugh at anything other then another pony. At least I was loyal though. Yes, I hid who I was and what was going on, but it was better for everypony.
In a way, I did change a little. Just a little too late. I was just too far gone to be able to be saved.
Last thing. Please remember all the good times. The laughs and smiles. That is how I want to be remembered, not like this.
I love you all so much. I mean that with all of my heart and soul.
I’m just sorry I wasn’t a better friend to you all. And Fluttershy……..
Meeting you was the best day of my life.
Your friend and Element Sister
Rainbow Dash
