The Ballad of Smarty Pants
Big Macintosh was a lot like me. He wasn't much of a talker. But I could tell that he was a good listener. During the time that I spent with him, we played much like I had with Twilight before we moved to Ponyville.
He and I would sit as a small table, and he would serve tea, just like Twilight used to. I didn't care much for tea back then, and that hadn't really changed. I guess he could tell because after he drank his tea, he would drink mine. Our tea parties were a bit quieter than Twilight's. Twilight always had something that she wanted to talk about. I missed her voice. I missed sleeping in her bed with her. I just missed her.
Big Mac wouldn't let me sleep in his bed either. When we weren't alone together, he kept me under his little sister's bed. He would play with me as often as he could at first. But like Twilight, as time went on, it became less and less.
And then not at all.
I didn't see another pony's face for a long while until his sister, Applejack was looking for her little sister, Apple Bloom. She lifted the bed in her search, finding me instead.
Oh, hi.
And dropped it back down again. And then she was gone. And I was alone again in the dark. But she came back a couple days later, this time taking me out from under the bed.
"Twilight's doll that had the spell."
Yes! Please bring me back to Twilight!
"How did this end up here?" she asked her siblings. The red one somehow turned a deeper red.
"I took it," he admitted.
"Well you need to bring it back to her. You understand?"
"Eeyup."
I thought that I would never see her face again. But there she was. It was Twilight. She looked strange. She looked happy and sad at the same time. She was smiling but she was crying as he handed me over to her. She took me in her hooves and held me, hugging me tightly.
All of the pain of being fought over, the dark and loneliness in the trunk and under the bed. None of it mattered anymore. I was back in her hooves, and she hugged me. She loved me. And I loved her. Everything was all better.
And it was.
Twilight carried me everywhere in her bag with her. She held me tight beside her as she laid in bed to sleep. She talked to me when we were alone. She hadn't talked to me in so long.
"I missed you so much," she said, sitting with me at the breakfast table.
I missed you too.
"I didn't think I would ever see you again."
I was scared too.
"I'm so happy to see you again!"
I'm happy that you're happy. That's all that's ever mattered to me.
I remember when she finally achieved her dream. She used to tell me when she was a little filly about how the wanted to become a princess some day. As she got older, that little dream just kind of came and went. But then one night, she did it! And the next time I saw her she had wings.
Every time I thought that I had seen her at her happiest, she always surprises me. She showed me her wings, showing off her big accomplishment. I showed her my notebook. It said that two plus two equals four. It was my big accomplishment. I was very proud of it. I will never forget that day. She taught me that two plus two equal four. I gave the right answer and she helped me write it in the notebook, since I wasn't very good at writing.
Twilight was always such a busy pony. But ever since she got her wings, she had been even busier. She spent long hours downstairs in her lab. But I was there with her, sitting on the lab bench nearby. Sometimes she would fall asleep in her chair. I would have preferred to have slept in the bed with her but it was okay. I was nearby Twilight. And that was good enough.
One morning, Twilight woke up in her lab seat with a start.
"I'm tardy!" she said, rushing to ready herself.
She ran up the stairs, leaving me behind that day. She didn't come back. A few days later there was a very loud noise from upstairs. Even louder than the thunder from her first big test. The walls and ceiling shook and stuff fell off of the bench and broke on the floor. And the light went dark. It was scary. I was scared of the dark.
And there I laid, helpless in the dark for weeks. It wasn't as long as it had been in the trunk before. I heard noises from above. Chopping and scraping at the ground and rubble. Some dirt fell in and I saw sunlight.
"Twilight's lab," one of them said. I recognized it as one of her friends. "Get down there and salvage whatever you can to bring to her new castle."
The blue one with the every-color hair flew down with a big box, grabbing anything that wasn't broken off of the bench. Including me. Even though I felt broken inside.
I was somewhere in the middle of the box, with more stuff on top of me. She flew up out of the hole in the ceiling. I could just barely see the book tree place that we had been living. It was completely destroyed. She closed the lid and everything was dark again.
I felt us moving. I felt the box get put down. And there, again, I waited, alone and afraid in the dark. But it wasn't for as long this time.
"...went back... stuff from your lab... in the box..." I heard a pony say, muffled in the box. The box shifted again.
"Thank you." I heard her say. I heard Twilight's voice! At least I thought I did. I hoped I did.
The lid opened. A hoof sifted through the items in the box. Then I felt it. I felt her hoof on me again. She pushed a couple things aside and there she was! I saw her standing there over the box, looking at me.
Twilight! I've missed you! I love you!
She picked me up. Oh, just to be held by her again! Just to go with her and lay in bed with her again I- Twilight? She looked- tired. Older. Sad. I was so happy to see her again. Was she not happy to see me? I had my notebook with me. It said that two plus two equaled four. She was so proud of me then. Was she not proud of me anymore? Was it because I never grew big like her? Because I never got my Cutie Mark? Or wings like her?
Twilight?
She frowned and put me back in the box.
Twilight!?
She put her hooves on the cover flaps of the box.
Twilight!? No! PLEASE NO! I'm sorry! Don't put be back in the dark! I'm afraid of the dark! You know I'm afraid of the dark!
She closed the lid.
TWILIGHT NO PLEASE! I Love you! I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry! Two plus two equals four! I got the answer right! You taught me that! You were so proud of me! You were my friend! You LOVED ME!
I felt her pick up the box and put it somewhere. I know not where. It didn't matter.
It was someplace dark. And I was alone.
...
...
Time.
Time passed.
Time is all I have left now.
Time to lay here in the dark and tell you my tale. Years have passed since I last saw my Twilight. So very many years. I stopped counting.
I think of her always. I try to remember her. But I can feel her forgetting about me. I can feel myself fading away along with her memories. Is this what dying is?
I run my hoof along the edge of the notebook. I can't see it, but I know it still says that two plus two equals four. I can feel her forgetting about that too, about my big accomplishment.
I wonder, is she happy? I hope she is. It's all I've ever wanted, was for her happiness. She's still my very best friend. And I'm hers.
Or at least I was...
... for a while.
I was a good friend. Wasn't I?
The Ballad of Smarty Pants
"... storage ... clean ... empty closet ..."
Voices.
After an eternity, voices!
The box shifted.
And movement!
The box moved and landed somewhere else. The box opened.
Light! Who is that?
I looked up at the pony standing over the box. It was the tall one- what's-her-name. With the wavy mane. It moved and shimmered. She looked older. She looked worn out. No wait, her fur was... white? This pony's fur isn't. She froze, putting a hoof over her mouth. She began to cry. Silent tears at first, and then openly sobbing. A large dragon appeared beside her.
"Are you okay?" he asked the tall pony.
She didn't answer. She never took her eyes off of me. Her eyes, those eyes, and her fur. It was the same color as-
"Twilight?" he asked.
Twilight!? Twilight! Was that really you!?
"Cancel everything, Spike," Twilight said through her tears.
"What? For the whole day!?" he asked.
"Clear out the week!" Twilight said.
"Twilight, you're a princess. You can't just take a vacation like that."
"I can. And I will. I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. Make it happen."
"Twilight, there are going to be delegates downstairs waiting for tea with you."
"They can wait for me until another time. Just send them away. I don't care how. Go." She dismissed him. He left to carry out her orders, closing the door behind him. She reached into the box, gently taking me in her hooves. The box crumbled away from around me, disintegrating from the passage of the years.
"They can wait. You've waited for me long enough." She cradled me in her hooves and kissed me. I still had my notebook with me. I showed it to her.
Look! It says that two plus two equals four. You taught me that? Remember?
"I do. I was so proud of you. You were such a good friend. You were my best friend. And I forgot all about you for all these years. I'm so sorry!" Twilight bawled. I had never seen her so sad as she openly wept. She clutched me tight to her as she cried and cried and cried, wetting my fur with her tears. She let it all out. All the years of stress and responsibility of being an adult.
It was okay. She hugged me. She remembered me. It was okay. We could be young again together. She carried me to her bed. It was bigger now. She laid down and held me beside her. She looked so tired.
It would be okay. She just needed a little nap. That always helped her before.
She wept as she laid in her bed, clutching me close. She wept for the cruel irony that the first friend she made, the one that had always been there for her and truly understood her the most, was the one that she abandoned first.
"I love you. I will never forget about you or leave you alone in the dark again."
Author's Note
"Young things ought to want to grow. But to carry on into middle life or even into early adulthood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became an adult I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.”
― C.S. Lewis
The Ballad of Smarty Pants
Author's Note
Warning: Feels ahead.
My Very Best Friend
My name is Smarty Pants. I don't remember when I was made. My earliest memory is when I first met my best friend. Her name is Twilight Sparkle. And I want to tell you all about her.
Her mother introduced us. When I first met Twilight she was still very young. She was still in diapers, but that was okay, I liked her anyway. I was still excited to meet her. I practically jumped out of her mother's hooves. Twilight gave me a big hug as soon as we met. She didn't say anything. She was still too young to speak words. But she didn't have to. Her hug told me everything I needed to know.
We were going to be best friends forever.
We were inseparable. Wherever she went, I went. She would show me the new foods she would try. She would tell me the new words she would learn.
She was a good teacher.
When she was happy, she would laugh and we would dance together. When she was sad, she would come hug me. And it helped her feel less sad. When the clouds would make the scary thunder, we would hide together under the covers. I was afraid of the dark.
"It's okay," she said. "I'm a scared of the dark too." She hugged me. I would never let anything bad happen to her. And I knew she would never let anything bad happen to me.
She was a good friend.
I wanted to be a good student. She gave me a notebook, just like the one she had when she began to write. We would learn all kinds of things together. Twilight loved to learn, and she loved to teach. She loved me. And I love her.
She was such a fast learner. In no time she was out of her diapers. Her parents even gave her a little chalkboard, so she could pretend to be a teacher. But she didn't need to pretend. She was a real teacher.
"What is two plus two?" She asked, writing it on the chalkboard.
Four! The answer is four!
"Yes, the answer is four!" she said.
She helped write it in the notebook for me with the quill. I was never very good at writing it by myself. I was so proud that I got the answer right. Twilight was very proud of me too. It made her happy. And that made me happy too. That's all I ever wanted, was for her to be happy. I'll never forget that day.
As Twilight got a little older, she started studying even more. I was there to help of course. She told me she was getting ready for an important test. I had taken tests before. It's when she asks you what two plus two is. And you say four. That's what a test is. I knew Twilight could do it.
We went outside with her parents for a walk. I loved going outside with her. I would ride in her saddle bag, and look at the things outside. It didn't matter where we went. As long as I was with her. As long as I was with my best friend in the whole wide world, Twilight, it would be good.
We went to a new place that day. It was big and scary. I could hear Twilight's heart beating faster from inside her bag. I didn't like being there if it scared her. I wanted to just leave and go home, where it was safe and everything was happy. But Twilight had to go here to do her test. And I wasn't about to leave her side.
They brought out a big egg, and told her that she had to open it with her magic. I remembered when we would cook at home, and Twilight would open eggs with her hooves. She tried with her magic once or twice but she dropped them and it made a mess on the floor. She had to clean it up after, and she looked sad. It's okay. You'll get it right next time.
Twilight looked nervous. She had to open the egg with her magic but it was so big. It was bigger than any egg I had ever seen before. She tried. She tried really hard, but nothing happened.
"I'm sorry I wasted your time," she said.
She looked so sad and disappointed. I wanted to climb out of the bag and help her, but I always had trouble with the flap. I nearly had it but then there was a loud noise. It was like thunder, but louder. I ducked back into the bag, under the covers, waiting for Twilight to join me so we could hide. I heard her yell and I could see flashes of lightning. The thunder had gotten her! I tried to help but I was too scared to move. I was so ashamed that I didn't go to help her when she needed me most. But almost as soon as it happened, it was over.
I peeked out of the bag. Twilight was okay. There was another, tall pony there with a horn and wings! Her mane was shiny and wavy. Twilight started jumping around, excited.
"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!"
I didn't know what had happened, but the egg was open. Twilight was happy. So I was happy too. All I'd ever wanted was for her to be happy. Afterwards, Twilight picked up our bag and we went home. As soon as we got back to our bedroom she showed me what she was so excited about.
"Smarty Pants, look it, look it!" she said.
She had finally gotten her Cutie Mark! It was beautiful, just like her.
I didn't have mine yet.
"You'll get yours someday." she said, and she gave me a big hug.
It was okay that I didn't have a Cutie Mark. She still loved me. And I loved her.
One day, Twilight said we were moving. Just me and her. Like an adventure in her story books that she would read to me. She was excited, so I was excited too! We went back to the big place where she had her big test. We saw the tall pony with a horn and wings. Twilight told me that her name is Princess Celestia. Twilight liked to talk about her. She would say how pretty she was. I guess she was pretty. But I still liked Twilight better.
We got a new bedroom in the big place. A brand new bedroom and bed. Twilight and I got on the bed and jumped up and down. She was excited and happy. So I was too. While we were there, I met Spike. Spike is a dragon. Dragons are different from ponies. He came from the egg that Twilight opened. Twilight said that ponies don't come from eggs. So I don't think I came from an egg either.
Twilight told me that we were living in a school now. A school is where teachers live. Teachers are older ponies like Twilight's mom who know stuff. Twilight was a student. Students learn stuff. And Twilight loved to learn. Learning made Twilight happy. And that made me happy.
Twilight went to different rooms with different teachers to learn different things. I would ride along in the bag. Twilight didn't talk to me very much in the learning rooms. She had to pay attention to the teachers. But every now and then, she would need something in her bag and she would see me and smile. I made her happy. I was so glad that I could make her happy.
One day we were going to a special room called a lab. Twilight had a special box of toys for the lab called tools. But on the way there, the box opened and one of the tools cut my hoof. It hurt. My stuffing started to fall out. I wanted to call out to her, but Twilight told me we had to be quiet in the learning rooms or else she would get in trouble. I didn't want to get her in trouble. So I stayed quiet.
I was so scared. As the bag moved and shifted, more of my stuffing fell out, and got lost inside the bag. I cried. But I cried quietly. I didn't want to get her in trouble.
I don't know where we were. But I think Twilight must have heard the tools clattering loose inside the bag. She opened the bag to gather them up and she saw me. She froze, and put her hoof over her mouth. She was sad. She started to cry. Her tears fell on my cheeks. She quickly put the tools back in the box and made extra sure that it was closed. She closed the bag and I could feel her running. I could hear her hooves striking the ground quickly.
When she opened the bag again, we were back in her new bedroom. She picked me up in her hooves. A lot of my stuffing had fallen out. My hoof was completely flat. I didn't feel right. But she held me close, and hugged me as she cried. Her hug felt good at least. But I didn't want her to cry.
"I'm sorry," she said.
It was okay. It wasn't her fault. She was a good friend. She told me she had to go to the book place to get a book. Twilight loved books. That would make her happy again. That was all I wanted. I waited for her on the bed. Sometimes when she goes to the book place, she is gone for a long time. This time she wasn't gone very long.
She only got one book, and another small box. It was a white box with a red addition sign on it.
That means plus, right Twilight? Two plus two equals four. You taught me that. You were so proud of me. Remember?
The box had a piece of fabric and a little metal toothpick with a small bit of string. Spike was with her now, and he helped hold the adding box. She read the book about 'sewing' and put the string in the metal pick. She put the cloth on my hoof. It was a different color than my fur. She gathered up all of my stuffing from the bag and helped to put it back inside my hoof. She put the cloth over the cut and pointed the metal pick at my hoof. It looked scary.
"I'm sorry. Don't be scared," she said.
She told me not to be scared. So I wasn't. But she still looked sad. She still cried when she poked me. It hurt a little, but it mostly felt better to have my stuffing back. When she was all done, the hole was all better. She smiled again. She was happy. So I was happy. She even had a lolly pop for me for being such a good patient, like her doctors gave her. I don't really like lollies, so I let her have it. She seemed like she needed it more anyway.
As Twilight got older, she learned more. We would stay up late with Spike and she would read bigger books with bigger words. The stories didn't make as much sense, and they were kind of boring. But Twilight said that it was very important that she remember them for more tests. She started talking to Spike more often than me. Especially when he started talking too. I was never much of a talker myself. I was more of a listener. I was happy that Twilight had another friend. The tall one, Celestia, kept saying that she needed more friends. I didn't need any more friends.
Twilight was all I needed.
When she got a letter from Celestia to go to Ponyville for the Summer Sun Celebration, she packed only the things that she knew she needed in her luggage. She was finishing up and she saw me on the bed, in my usual spot. She picked me up and hugged me. She loved to hug me. She put me in my special place in her saddle bag for when we went on adventures together. I didn't know where Ponyville was, but it was someplace new that we had never been before. So that made it an adventure. And away we went, into the unknown. Away we went, together.
Twilight met a lot of new ponies in Ponyville. But there were a few that she saw more often than others. She went on new adventures with them. Sometimes with me in her bag. Sometimes not. But that was okay. I didn't mind waiting. Twilight always came home to me. I would always be waiting for her on her new bed, or somewhere else nearby in the book place in Ponyville that we lived in.
Later, she got a special house just for me that she called a trunk. It was dark in there. I was afraid of the dark. There were a lot of other things with me in the trunk. Important things that she didn't want to lose. So I was in charge of guarding them. I took my job very seriously, even if it meant seeing Twilight less and less. And being alone in the dark.
Twilight didn't go to the learning rooms anymore or see teachers. But she still loved to read the books in our new home and learn new things. She would always write letters to Celestia telling her what she learned.
Except for that one time when she didn't.
She was so worried that she hadn't anything to write about. She seemed so upset that she didn't learn anything new. She opened the trunk. I was so happy to see her. But she seemed so distraught. She needed something to write to Celestia about that she learned. I had my notebook opened. I said two plus two equals four.
Two plus two equals four! Remember Twilight? You taught me that. So we can pretend that I'm the teacher and you can be the student. Just for pretend. And you can tell Celestia that you learned that two plus two equals four. You were so proud of me when I learned that. She'll be proud of you! Just tell her two plus two equals four.
"If I can't find a friendship problem, I'll MAKE a friendship problem!" Twilight said.
My notebook only had a math problem.
I hadn't seen Twilight in so long, I was really hoping that she would give me a hug. But she didn't. But that was okay. We went outside together. It was going to be an adventure, together, just like before.
It was going to be an adventure all right.
She introduced me to some of her friends. She had never done that before, aside from Spike a long time ago. Before, the only time I spent with Twilight was when we were alone. But that was okay. I wasn't interested in her friends anyway. I only wanted to be with Twilight.
"This is Smarty Pants," Twilight said. "She was mine when I was your age. And now I want to give her to you!"
Um, what? She held me there in the air with her magic as the other three ponies looked at me. They were younger, like Twilight used to be.
"She's... great."
"Yeah... great."
"I really like her... mane?"
They looked nice enough, but I wanted to stay with Twilight. Why didn't she want me anymore? I did a good job guarding her things in the trunk, even though it was dark and scary. Even though I wanted to sleep with her in the bed. I did what she wanted and now she was getting rid of me? Why!?
"She even comes with her own notebook, and quill for when you want to pretend that she's doing her homework," Twilight said. "So who wants to play with her first?"
The others didn't seem like they wanted to play with me. But that was okay. I just wanted to stay with Twilight. If they didn't want me, she would take me back and we could be friends again. Then she could write to Celestia about how we became friends again and solved her friendship problem. I was so happy that I was able to help.
"You're going to like Smarty Pants. You're going to like her more than anything!" Twilight said. She cast the Want It Need It spell on me.
There you go, Twilight. You could write to Celestia and tell her that you learned a new spell.
But she wasn't fast enough to undo the spell. The other three ponies started to fight over me, grabbing me and pulling at my hooves and legs. Yanking and tugging in different directions. I wasn't a young pony anymore, and could feel myself starting to break.
Twilight! Help! They're hurting me!
Twilight dove into the fray to try to rescue me but it was no use. The other three were too much for her. She was thrown from the ruckus into a big red pony. She enlisted his help and he was able to get me away from the other three fighting over me.
"Thank you so much. Now if you could just give her to me," Twilight said.
She wanted me back! I knew she would! I knew she would want her best friend back. Oh, happy days!
"Nope." His only reply, and he ran off, carrying me away from her under the effects of the spell.
Twilight! Help!
The further he ran, the more ponies were affected. Soon there was a mountain of ponies, clamoring all over eachother to try to get to me. Another pony grabbed me and ran off away from him and the pile. It wasn't Twilight. I just wanted to get back to Twilight.
A flying pony swooped down and grabbed me. Another tried to steal me away but she held firm. The two pegasi pulled at me in a tug a war, stretching me apart. Both lost their grip and I was sent tumbling through the air, only for more ponies to fight over me.
I didn't want to be in the dark trunk. I just wanted to go on an adventure with Twilight. But I didn't want this! I was being dropped and pulled and bit and stepped on.
I don't know what I did wrong, Twilight! I'm sorry! Please help me!
"Twilight Sparkle!" A booming voice came from above. It was Celestia. In a flash of light, the spell was gone, and everypony stopped fighting over me. The ponies all left, but not without one stepping on me one last time. I was in rough shape. Still, I was just happy to still be in one piece.
A pony picked me up. It wasn't Twilight. It was the big red one again. And that was when I met Big Macintosh.
