Once upon of time in the magical land of Equestria, there was a pony named Damien. Damien walked around the farms a lot. He was a farmer. Farmers grow food. He had a meat tree in the back of his farm. It grew pigs. You see, contrary to popular belief, ponies are carnivores sometimes when I feel like making them carnivores. Every year the meat tree ripens, causing pigs to fall from it and meet their inevitable demise. But one summer, one pig didn’t die and it walked over into Damien’s bathroom. He was taking a really sexy shower. Damien was probably the best looking pony in Equestria, next to Celestia. I would totally tap that.
Damien is the secret lover of Celestia. His special talent is bowl cuts, which happens to be Celestia’s fetish. He is also dating Luna on the side, and they have a bastard child named Perry. Perry befriended the pig, because he frequently showered with Damien, Pedo Extraordinaire. He named the pig Labib, and they grew very close. You see, the pig wasn’t like any ordinary pig. It spoke Icelandic. One day, the pig went to Perry, and said, “Perry, ég alnæmi. Einnig, ríða á lögregluna.“
Perry said, “What?“ because Icelandic doesn‘t exist in Equestria. They proceded to make love to each other in passionate beastial festivity. Perry then got AIDS and died.
Damien cried for about 47 minutes and 32 seconds. That‘s a lot, so you know he was sad about the death of his son. Luna went into depression, which raised concern in Celestia. Through investigation, Celestia found out Perry was Luna‘s son. Shit got real. Celestia had a huge fight with Damien and Luna, but they ran off together to live a quaint life in Fillydelphia. Of course, everybody knows that city is infested with zebras, so they got robbed and murdered. Celestia regreted her fight which inadvertently caused her sister‘s death. In grief, she looked for comfort food, and wanted bacon. She had Labib killed, and ate him.
Sometimes I look back on these days, and I think to myself, “Why?“ But then I realize that here we are, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past, and I think Yes I said yes I will
Yes.
