The Lout

by Zephyr Spark

Rating: everyone
Tags: Diamond Tiara, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Romance, Silver Spoon, Comedy, Garble
Length: 3793

Diamond Tiara's parents passed away five years ago. While spending her days mourning like always, Garble the dragon barges in and demands she pay her father's debt to him. He won't leave until he's satisfied, and she won't budge. Do the math.

Diamond Tiara's parents passed away five years ago. Now, she's a fully grown mare who mourns every day. While spending her days mourning like always, an unexpected, rude guest named Garble, barges in and demands she pay her father's debt to him. He won't leave until he's satisfied, and she won't budge. He's a boy. She's a girl. You do the math.

This is a one-shot based on Anton Chekov's 1888 comedy The Boor. I've been dying to write something based off this piece, and these two characters seemed like the perfect fit for these roles. I don't personally ship them. I just thought this would be hilarious with them.

Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership of Anton Chekov's The Boor or My Little Pony Friendship is Magic. So yeah.

Published 2016-06-18 23:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-06-18 23:00:01 UTC

Unexpected Guest

Filthy Rich’s manor was noticeably quiet ever since Filthy Rich and Spoiled Rich passed away, leaving their daughter to a fortune. These days all Diamond Tiara did was sit in her chambers with a black veil and a picture of her parents. Her friend Silver Spoon had tried to bring her out, but Diamond insisted she be left to mourn the rest of her days. Silver Spoon was at the manor once again to try her luck. Still veiled, Diamond came to meet her friend in the vast living room with the same answer.

“No,” the pink mare resolutely stated as she sat on the couch. “My parents are gone. My life is over.”

“Oh for pity’s sake!” Silver Stone groaned as she paced, “It’s terrible to hear you go on like this. They died, yes. But you have to move on now. Keep grieving like this and you’ll be an old widow with no one but cats for company. Get out and live while you still can.”

“That reminds me,” she rang a bell to summon a servant. “Mother’s cat, Sapphire, should have another supply of food. Oh, how she loved that cat.”

The servant left and Diamond Tiara turned to Silver Stone, “Please, don’t tell me to do those things again. You, of all ponies, know without my parents life is nothing to me. It’s no secret they were unfair, negligent, and mean to me. They forgot me, but I will never forget them. I’ll be loyal to their memory until I die and show them how deeply I can love them.”

A bell rang. Diamond Tiara turned to another servant, “Tell them I cannot receive them.”

As the servant left, she turned to a desk with their photograph, “And you’ll be sorry. I’ve been a good daughter, loyal and true. I’ve locked myself away from the world and you – neither of you are ashamed of yourselves, my evil parents! You passed me off to servants, ignored me for weeks—“

“Miss Tiara!” The servant returned, rather flustered. “Someone’s asking to see you. He says it’s very urgent!”

“Tell him I see no pony!” Diamond barked.

“I did, but he won’t listen,” the stallion explained. “The brute forced himself past me and entered. He’s in the foyer right now.”

Angered, Diamond Tiara scowled at the servant, “Fine, show him in.”

“Finally. Took you long enough,” A gruff voice echoed through the hall.

The servant returned with the guest: a dragon. He was five times Tiara’s size, red with orange scales, and a long toothy snout. A few years ago, seeing a dragon amongst ponies would be nigh impossible, but ever since local dragon Spike befriended the new dragon lord, Princess Ember, it wasn’t uncommon to see dragons around Equestria. Many had taken up trading with ponies or living amongst them and making a living with their unique skills. Of course, some dragons didn't like the change. This one pushed the waiter away. When he saw Tiara, he stormed over to her.

“There you are,” he growled. “My name's Garble the dragon. I have something important to talk to you about. Ever since ponies and dragons came to work together, your deceased father’s been mining gemstones with the help of dragons, providing, and buying services from dragons. He left me an IOU that adds up to one thousand gems.”

“One thousand?” Diamond Tiara gasped at the number, “And what did he owe you for?”

“I brought him cat food,” Garble replied gruffly, "everyday."

Diamond sighed and turned to a servant. “Don’t forget to give Sapphire more food.” The servant left and Diamond spoke to the dragon, “If my father owed you that many gemstones I will see you are paid. But I cannot at the moment. I have to acquire those gemstones from my father’s company by notifying the manager when he returns to town. Unfortunately, today marks the fifth anniversary of my parents’ death and I am in no mood to discuss money.”

“And I’m in the mood to turn pink and fly with my ears into a mountain," Garble huffed, "If I don’t get my gems by tomorrow they’ll take my property and everything I own.”

“You’ll get your gems the day after tomorrow,” Tiara responded.

Garble snarled, “I need those gems today.”

The pink pony returned the snarl, “I can’t give you those gems today.”

“And I can’t wait the day after tomorrow!” Garble stomped around the living room, terrifying Silver Spoon and the servants. Smoke poured from his nostrils.

“There’s nothing I can do if I don’t have those gems right now.”

“So you can’t pay?”

“No.”

“Hmph! Is that it? That’s all you’re going to say?”

“It is.”

“Definitely?”

“Definitely.”

“Let me make something clear to you. I’ve been traveling for three days straight through backwater towns, forced to sleep in some cheap, dirty stables and fly through thunderstorms. Here I come, hoping you’ll give those gems your father owes me, and you give me this,” he thrust his hands in her direction and scowled, “attitude!”

“Me?” Diamond Tiara rose, her face turning red, “What about you? You barge in here unannounced, threaten my staff, and behave like some,” she raised a hoof at his general appearance, “uncivilized brute! Well sir, I tell you that I’ll have no more of it. Good day!”

She turned, smacking him with her tail and sauntered off into a hallway. Silver Spoon and the servants quickly followed. Garble shouted in anger.

“That little – ! Fifth anniversary of her parents’ deaths! What am I supposed to do? Should I fly into space to escape my debt? Should I ram my face on a rock until it magically disappears? None of my friends will help me. Everyone who owes me gems won’t pay up! And all because I’ve been too soft. Well, I’ll show her. I’ll just sit here until I get what I came for!” He planted himself on the couch, which groaned under his weight, “Grr, I’m so angry. I can hardly think.” He snapped a finger, “Servant!”

A timid stallion who normally waited on Diamond Tiara appeared, “Y-Yes?”

“Get me something to drink!” He dug his claws into the couch.

The stallion shuffled away, leaving Garble to brood.

“Ponies are all the same!”

The servant returned with a glass of water, which Garble snatched and gulped down. Then, he threw the empty glass at a wall, shattering it to pieces. The servant ran away. The red dragon continued throwing his tantrum.

At last, Diamond Tiara returned from the hallway with a cross face, “Sir, in my seclusion I have become unaccustomed to voices, particularly loud ones. Please, stop disturbing my rest.”

Garble turned on her with smug satisfaction, “Pay me the gems and I’m gone.”

Diamond Tiara scowled, "I told you quite plainly, in your own language, that I don’t have the gems at hand. Wait until the day after tomorrow.”

Silver Spoon and several servants peered out from the hallway corridors as Garble replied, “And guess what? I told you, in your language, that I need those gems today!”

Diamond Tiara threw a hoof up in frustration, “Well, what the hay am I supposed to do if I don’t have the gems?”

“You don’t?”

“I don’t.”

“Then I’ll just sit down on this couch until I get those gems,” Garble sank back into the chair and planted his feet on a table. “You’ll pay me the day after tomorrow? Fine! I’ll stay here until then. Do you think I’m joking?”

Gritting her teeth, Diamond Tiara tried to keep calm, “Please, don’t scream. This is not some barn.”

Garble scratched his head in confusion, “I’m not talking about barns, I’m asking you whether you’ll pay me those gems or not?”

Diamond Tiara gave him a disgusted look, “You have no idea how to treat a lady!”

The red dragon snorted, “Sure, I do.”

“No you don’t,” Diamond Tiara rounded on him, “you’re vile, cruel, and wretched! A stallion wouldn’t speak like that to a lady.”

“Well, guess what, sweetheart,” Garble rose and approached the mare. “I’m not a stallion. Should I treat you like one? How would like me to talk?” Garble mockingly clasped his hands and pressed them besides his head, “Oh, dear Madame. Sorry for having bothered you. What lovely weather we have today! And how this mourning suits you!”

He bowed low with insulting ceremony. Diamond Tiara fumed at the pig and screeched, “That’s not funny! I find that disgusting!” She wouldn’t back down.

Garble chuckled and imitated her in a sing-songy voice, “’That’s not funny’ – disgusting! You don’t know how to treat a lady.’ Please.” The dragon folded his arms and stared her directly in the eyes, “I’ve met more ladies both dragon and pony in my life time than you will meet birds. I fought other dragons over a dragoness five times, seven dragonesses I left, and five left me. There was a time I acted like an idiot over a girl, drove myself crazy, and gave up half my gems in the name of love, but now I’ve had enough of it! Soft, sweet voices, batting those eyelashes – for that, my dear pony, I wouldn’t pay a single gem! I’m not talking about you, but all females in general, dragons and ponies. Especially ponies! From the lowest to the highest, they are all smug, self-righteous, lying, vain, and stupid. When one looks at a pony, they think they see the brightest, most wonderful creature to ever walk the earth, but look closer and they find nothing but ugly rat. But the worst part? Oh, the worst part is this rat thinks she’s above everything! That she’s the masterpiece of all creation, and every one should be honored merely by being in her presence. Just the thought makes me sick! May I lose my wings if there’s ever anything to love about mares! You were unlucky enough to be a pony, so you tell me, have you ever seen a mare faithful to their word or loyal to the end to anyone but their own self-interest? No! It’s easier to find a purple hippopotamus with bird wings and horns than a faithful, loyal mare.”

Diamond Tiara scowled at him, “Really? So then tell me, who is loyal and faithful when it comes to pony love? The stallion?”

“He’s the only one left,” Garble shrugged, “so I guess.”

She laughed, voice dripping with sarcasm, “Oh, yes! The stallion is faithful in all love! You can always count on the male to be loyal to the end! Well, let me tell you something mister! I knew my father for over twenty years! I loved him like any good child, did whatever he wanted, and acted like his perfect little filly. And how did he treat me? By handing me off to servants, forgetting I existed, skipping my birthday parties, and leaving me behind on vacations to Manehattan with my mother every other weekend. I gave them everything I could, did everything to please them, and they just threw me to the side like some unwanted puppy. But even then, I stayed loyal to them and fulfilled their every wish. I’ve dug myself into this mansion and shall keep mourning until I die.”

Garble raised an eyebrow. Suddenly, he let out a disrespectful guffaw. “Mourning! Please, I see exactly what’s going on. I know very well why you hide yourself away from the world. The secret! The romance! Some knight will pass your castle and state, ‘There lives the mysterious mare who, in loving memory of her parents, locked herself away from the world.’ Oh, I get your stupid fantasy.”

Diamond Tiara’s mouth gaped, before she glared at the dragon, “Why you – ! How dare you speak to me like this?”

“You’ve locked yourself away from the world,” Garble nodded, “but I see you haven’t forgotten to how to use your toilet!”

“You don’t know what I’ve been through!” The mare shrieked.

“Don’t scream at me,” Garble covered his ears. “Just let me say things honestly and truthfully. I’m not a mare, so I’m used to saying whatever I think. So kindly stop screaming.”

“I’m not the one screaming, you are,” Diamond Tiara retorted. She took on a softer expression, “Look, I’d like you to leave me alone. Please?”

“Give me my gems and I’ll leave.”

Finally, Diamond Tiara snapped. This beast mocked her self-imposed suffering and her entire life and still had the guts to demand gems?

She snarled, “I won’t give you the gems.”

“You won’t?” Garble huffed a cloud of smoke at the pony, “You won’t give me my gems?”

“You heard me!” She met his gaze, unfazed, “I wouldn’t give you a sliver of a rock even if you stayed here until the end of time! Get out of my house!”

“I’m not your butler or special some pony, so kindly stop making a scene,” he sat back down on the couch, never breaking from her stare. “It’s annoying.”

“You’re going to sit down?”

He stretched out his hands, “I already have.”

“Get out, now!”

“Give me the gems.”

“No, I’m not speaking to some rude dragon. Leave!” She huffed angrily, but Garble didn’t move a muscle. “You’re not leaving?”

“No.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Fine,” Diamond Tiara picked up a bell from the table and rang. A servant unwillingly appeared, “Show the 'gentle-drake' out.”

The servant gulped and looked at Garble. He was at least five times his size. Garble snorted more smoke in the servant’s direction. Trembling, the servant cowered in the corner. Diamond Tiara narrowed her eyes and rang the bell again. “Where are my servants? Isn’t there any pony capable of doing what I order?”

Around the hallway corridor, several heads hid from Diamond Tiara’s view, only peeping out when her gaze was absent. The mare threw the bell against the wall, shattering it. She shrieked, “Get out!”

“Maybe if you ask more politely,” Garble retorted.

She stamped her feet, tore at her mane, “You’re despicable! You’re a beast! A monster! A lout!”

Garble rose to his feet, “What did you just call me?”

“I said you’re a monster, a lout!”

Garble moved towards her, “And what exactly gives you the right to insult me?”

The pony snorted at him, nervous but adamant, “So? You don’t scare me.”

“And you think that just because you’re some namby-pamby pony you can insult me and get away with it?” Garble roared, “I challenge you to a duel!”

“Oh no! Have mercy!” Silver Spoon moaned.

The pink pony rounded on the dragon, “You think that just because you breathe fire I’m afraid of you?”

“Nobody insults me,” Garble said, “especially ponies!”

“Fine, you wish to fight? We’ll have a duel. My father had swords, I’ll bring them,” she stormed to the stairway and turned to give the dragon a menacing glare. “It’ll be a pleasure to jab a blade through that impudent head!”

She left and Garble snarled, “I’ll cut her down! I’m no weakling, no namby-pamby pony!”

Silver Spoon rushed forward and threw herself at his knees, “Oh please, have mercy, and go away! You’ve already terrified the household to death, and now you want to fight a duel?”

Ignoring her completely, Garble stepped over Silver Spoon, eager to begin. “A duel. That’s where we’re equal. I’ll cut her down. ‘It’ll be a pleasure to jab a sword through that impudent head!’ What can one say to that? She was furious, her eyes blazed, she accepted my challenge.” He paused a moment, “On my life, that’s the first time I ever saw such a mare.”

“Oh, sir,” Silver Spoon kept begging, “Please go away.”

“That’s a mare, that’s a real female. I understand her. No softness or hesitation, but fire, power, and noise!” He stopped in place with a realization, “It would be a pity to kill a mare like that.”

Diamond Tiara returned with a duffle bag containing two rapiers, she handed one to Garble then lifted hers with magic. She turned to him, “Before we fight, could you show me how to use this? I’ve never held a sword before.”

“Oh, mother of Luna!” Silver Spoon wailed, “I’ll go get Twilight, Spike, Rainbow Dash, the royal guard, and the Wonder Bolts. Why did he have to come here?”

Silver Spoon bolted out the mansion, while Garble demonstrated basic thrusts and parries.

“There are different types of dueling swords,” he explained, “these are rapiers, meant for jabs and parrying.”

He looked at the mare as she practiced his every move with fiery anger and passion, ready to eviscerate him. Through it all, there was only one thought on his mind. She’s incredible, enchanting, and so very ... hot.

“This is how you hold a rapier,” He showed his grip.

“Like this?” Diamond Tiara copied him.

“Yes, that’s right,” he nodded. “When you jab, make sure you keep your waist low and your feet-err-hooves centered.”

“We can’t fight in here,” Diamond Tiara walked to the hallway, “let’s go to the garden out back.”

“Yes, well.” Garble broke away, “I must forfeit the duel.”

“What? Why?”

“Because I – That’s none of your business.”

“You’re afraid. No, no, my dear sir, no backing out! Kindly come with me! I’m not resting until I’ve rammed a sword through that that head I hate so much. Are you afraid?”

“Y-Yes,” Garble mumbled, “I’m afraid.”

Diamond Tiara stare at him, disbelievingly, “You’re lying. Why won’t you fight?”

“Because—well—because—I—like you.”

Diamond Tiara chortled in fury, “You like me? You dare to say you like me?” She pointed to the door and said, “Get out.”

Garble laid his sword on the table and walked to the door. As he reached the end of the living room, he turned around and glanced at her. He rushed back to her. “Listen! Are you still angry? I was mad, but please understand me—how can I say this? The thing is—such things are,” his voice trailed off as he fumbled for words. Frustrated, he raised his voice, “Now, is it my fault if you owe me gems?”

He clutched the back of the sofa, which broke in his hands, already having suffered under his weight, “Blasted furniture. I said I like you! Don’t you get it? I—I’m almost in love!”

“Get out!” Diamond Tiara scoffed, “I hate you.”

This only had the opposite effect on the smitten dragon. He beamed and shouted, “What a mare! I’ve never in my life met a female like you. I’m lost! Trapped like a mouse.”

The pony turned her rapier at Garble, “Go, or I’ll run you through.”

Garble fell to his knees and presented his chest, “Do it! You have no idea how much joy it would bring me to die in sight of your beautiful eyes! I’m insane! I’m a fairly respectable dragon, I make good money, I can wrestle a bear with ease. I own a share of the cat food company and have a decent salary.” He extended his hands to her, “Will you marry me? Please answer me, or I’ll go now, and we will never meet again.”

She swung furiously with her sword, “So help me, I'll kill you if you don't leave now!”

Garble grasped his head, “I can’t think! Servant—water! I fell in love with a mare like any young stallion.”

He grabbed her hoof, prompting the pony to cry in pain, “I love you.” Garble threw himself at her hooves, “I love you as I’ve never loved before. Seven I left, five left me, but not one of them has stolen my heart like you. I’m finished. I’m down at your hooves like a fool begging you to marry me. What’s wrong with me? For years, I haven’t been in love and now I can’t escape it. Please, answer me! Yes or no?”

She didn’t respond. It all happened so fast, and she had no idea what to think.

“Fine,” Garble rose and quickly stomped to the door.

“Wait,” the word escaped Diamond Tiara’s mouth, but she didn’t know where it came from.

Garble abruptly stopped, “Yes?”

She faltered, “Nothing. You can go.”

He continued to the door and it happened again, “But—wait a moment.”

He turned around once again.

“No, go on, go on. I hate you.” She told herself before she had second thoughts, “No, don’t go. Argh! If you could only know how angry you make me!”

She threw her rapier against the white wall. It fell loudly to the floor.

Garble approached her, “If you could only know how angry I am at myself! Falling in love, throwing myself on my knees. How do you do it? I love you. Perfect,” the dragon grumbled, “Just what I needed. Tomorrow I have to pay my debts, the gem mining has begun, and then you!”

Suddenly, he wrapped his arms around her. He pulled her up to his face, one hand firmly behind her head.

“I’ll never forgive myself,” he sighed.

“Let me go!” Diamond Tiara protested, “Get out! I despise you—you—this is – “

Just then, their lips touched. Both closed their eyes and held the other tightly in heated, lusty passion. The door burst open and several ponies flooded into the mansion including Silver Spoon, Twilight, Spike the dragon, Rainbow Dash, the royal guard, and the Wonder Bolts. All of them got a front row seat to a furious, partially rage-induced make-out session. Repulsed by the public display, Twilight closed her eyes and moved her face away; the image burned into her mind. Spike blinked at the two, completely baffled, before Twilight covered his eyes. Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash started giggling and then howling with laughter. This was just too rich for her. Silver Spoon’s eyes went wide as dinner plates as she stared at her friend, putting her tongue into Garble’s mouth as they wrestled for control, hooves and claws exploring bodies with unbridled zest.

“Diamond Tiara?” She stuttered.

They stopped kissing. Still embracing the dragon, Diamond Tiara turned to Silver Spoon.

“Hey, Silver Spoon,” she spoke quietly, “if you see my servants could you tell them Sapphire doesn’t need any more food?”

She noticed every one else eying her, completely dumbfounded. She blushed and snarled at all of them, “What are you all staring at? Get out of my house!” She pointed to the door.

Gradually, the mansion emptied. Silver Spoon was still in shock, so Spike had to lead her away.

Under his breath, he mumbled, “I knew they were gonna go for it, but I didn’t think it'd be that gross.”

He shuddered and quickly walked out the door, so only Garble and Diamond Tiara were left. They soon resumed their activity with new vigor.