Where it begins... At the end
You can't tell where it starts. You don't want to do so but you know there is something different in her. The way she looks at you, her smile... Even in her eyes. She isn't there. Not truly there at least. She is different this time. Your hoof rests on hers as you are wondering what started it all. Was it you? Was it her, something between you both. You take a sip of your drink. Trying to talk.
One year together, of happy memories. Of love and a sense of belonging... Coming down to this.
What words, if any can you use. How would you know, there are no guides for this, no rules... Nothing. You say what your head wants and your heart breaks even more. More than when she broke it.
"So you're breaking up with me" She says to you, shooting a glare into you.
It puts on on edge to be made out as if doing such a thing would be wrong. No it is the right thing to do... Right? Someone isn't loyal to you, your partner to go behind you back like that. After all the messages you saw behind her back that you weren't even meant to see that led to this.
Yeah... This is what you need to do. End it. Move on. She doesn't deserve you... But, it doesn't hurt her. She said it more as an inconvenience to her. You clear your throat to speak.
"That's what..." You can't finish.
How can you.
You know why you didn't do it when you found out.
You remember the night she said she couldn't live without you. You remember what she's been through. It's almost like you can see it, she wants to hurt herself. Kill herself but doesn't want to hurt you. Not that way anyway. Just hurt you enough so you don't love her no more. To hate her so she can do the unthinkable and you wouldn't care one bit, she knows she wont be missed, not by her family, by her friends... By you.
She's wrong.
And you have to fight through it. For her, even if she can't.
So its what you do, for her. No longer is this about you, but about her. You know you're the only thing keeping her from doing it, hoping she'll get better. Your life can get worse, you can get tired and run down but so long as your saving someone that's the price to pay. No matter how long it takes nor how much it takes.
You can see it too.
In her eyes is the sadness she carries, she wants you to break. She loves you too much to leave you behind caring the way you do. But you wont leave. Even the nights she cries into your chest as you stroke her mane. How much she apologies. You can't forgive her. You say that you can but it's pain you'll carry. Pain that makes you continue knowing you can't let go.
Time passes and mistakes are made. She can get better but never learning, always messing up and not treating you right. This time you tell yourself. You'll be the stallion you know you are and get it over with and move on.
But its like the first time... You can't do it to her. You can't. This time you're too weak to say the words. At least. Not to her face, not while you look into her eyes. So once you both part ways you type a message, not even calling. How pathetic. You stare at the message.
You realize how easy it is this way... The cowards way out. But now you understand why ponies do it this way.
"We're through... I'm done with the way you treat me, you say you love me but you tell yourself lies. I am done being screwed around by you."
"Goodbye"
You read it once more, you can't even word it any other way. You can't think. Words you wanted to say just written in front of you on your phone.
Your hoof hovers over the button
"Goodbye" You think.
Send.
That's it... It's that easy?
You go onto your computer moving your hoof to you mouse to navigate to the internet. You know what to do now. So you block her on everything, making sure you can try to forget... To move on.
So you stand there, your legs feeling heavy. That empty feeling creeping in, she's gone. You did it.
Ring! Ring!
You look over to your phone
Ring! Ring!
It's her.
Ring! Ring!
You know you can't answer, this is about you now.
Ring! Ring!
It was unhealthy to be in that relationship, answering her will only make it worse.
Ring! Ring!
"I can't talk to her... I need to just ignore it." You tell yourself.
Ring! Ring!
It's stopped. Silence. You reach for the phone as you collapse onto your bed. You think what she could of wanted to say. Suddenly the phone vibrates.
"One new voicemail" It reads.
You call to listen to it. "What harm can there be, I'm not talking to her." You assume, how wrong you are.
She cries on the other end of the phone. You have never heard her this sad, this choked up... And... well. Broken.
It carries on, her cries tearing into you. Your sobbing just hearing this one way conversation. You have to ring her back. You must do. It's the wrong thing to do your head tries to tell you. But your heart has already made the decision for you as you call back...
"You're weak" You hear a voice say...
It could be your conscious, hell it could be all you friends yelling at you about how badly you're handling this.
"I am weak"
Months pass. Almost a year even. She still makes mistakes. This mare is useless at understanding how a relationship works. Never actually messing up enough to be hated, hell never crossing the line that would be "cheating". But she doesn't treat you right. And you know it. But you take it. No longer cause its about holding her up, keeping her alive... You're past that. You fixed her. But in the progress she has become depressed, the status quo set. You're her life rope, you hold her up and she pushes you under.
You talk about how you feel but you're met with excuses and then more apologies. She cries and you comfort her. You couldn't be anymore under the hoof. But sometimes you see her again. Beneath the miss treating pony she has become sometimes she comes back. The mare that you fell in love with. You remember how you met. In a moment of beauty, you hit it off. You weren't even looking for love but it came for you whether you were ready or not. And what a ride it was. What a ride it is. So many ups and downs. But this is one of those ups.
Today shes here again, the mare you love. The mare you see a future with. Nothing but love and attention is what she gives you. You both cuddle on the grass, her body resting into your chest as you wrap your hoofs around her. She feels safe with you, and in return gives you love and her heart. And you remember why you do this. Why you make sure she feels like she always has you. Through thick and thin you're there for her.
You nuzzle her mane and smell how sweet her scent is. Kissing her head you begin to drift off to sleep with her in the sun. Wishing for this moment to last. But it never does. Soon she is no longer herself. And you hold onto your memories you've made together, holding onto how much you love her. But for now she is gone, and you wait to see her again. But you mask yourself into something you're not, you continue to hide your sadness. For her. To carry her through. You're weak you think... But really you have never been stronger. You loved her through everything that happened. You loved her for her perfections... And even her flaws, the time she told you her mother kept her awake at night, when she broke down crying telling you she missed her family, her sisters and how you're all she has. When she told you she was raped. You stayed strong... For her.
But how long can you wait before she becomes herself again... Will she ever be herself again? You can spend your days hoping for something to change but you have to learn to let go. But you can't. Not yet.
"Do you still love me" She asks one night.
You have to think. Funny. You can't remember the last time you hesitated to answer this.
You never did, this is the first time you have had to think about it.
"Of course I still love you" You whisper kissing her
Did you just lie to her. Not even you can tell no more.
No! You do love her. You know you do. Just, the part of her. Buried deep inside. Somewhere in her eyes you can see it. The mare she once was.
The mare you loved unconditional.
The mare you need to let go.
You lie with her in bed. Her mane in your face but you don't mind it. You lie with her but awake. You broke up with her again. It hurt but its what you had to do. But this was a week ago. So why are you still around her. Is it because she begged to show you she could change. Or because you're still weak. You lie thinking. Even your back is now to her. The mare you once held. The mare you loved.
"Loved" You thought.
It started to fade now. You know you don't feel the same, even if she changed how could you take her back. You're paranoid, you can't trust her. You want it to work but you know now. You know it can't. There is nothing but a void. A emptiness where she once was in your heart.
Work is soon, so you better get up. You roll over to look at her. She's facing you now awake... When did this happen? Did you wake her? It doesn't matter you both got work so you get up.
You didn't kiss her.
She looks at you hurt.
But you're just empty... You try to then make her feel loved but you can't. You can no longer kiss her how you did. A few years of love and passion. Faded to nothingness. You still love the part of her that stole your heart. But you can't be with her. Not anymore. Only now do you both understand.
It's over.
You both know it has come to the end. You leave with her to go to work. But before you part ways you try to look her in the eyes one more time.
Empty.
The spark that once was gone. The one you loved, the one you planned to spend the rest of your life with. Its all gone.
It needed to be done. Maybe it hurt less this way. But you know one thing for sure. It still hurts no matter how you see it. You feel empty. A void that you thought couldn't get bigger that has grown to fill your heart. Or not fill. Your heart is empty without her. But your head tells you it was the right thing to do.
Your friends stand by you, comfort you. But you have never felt so alone.
Never felt so empty.
"Was it all a waste?" You question. Was your time with her pointless? Something you should forget?
"No" You realize.
You may not be happy. But you can be. You have made so many memories, you can take the good ones and with the bad ones you can build yourself up. Become stronger.
Maybe you can love again.
But for now... You have your friends.
You're left empty, waiting for your heart to move on.
"You'll be okay." You hear as you cry.
"We're always here for you." Your friends tell you.
And they will be, day or night.
You may feel it.
But you are never alone.
