Twilight Simulates Kicking Herself

by Lemondance

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Rarity, Random
Length: 1173

Twilight knows it will hurt, but she's willing to do anything to advance science.

Twilight is determined to feel the effects of the elusive Acacia Kick firsthand, but just how can she simulate kicking herself?

Published 2016-06-19 19:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-06-19 19:00:01 UTC

Kickin' It

"... The Zebrican martial art known as 'Ta'i Kali' stands out from other fighting styles in that all of its attacks are executed with the hind legs, mainly through varitions of kicks and bucks."

Twilight sat The Essential Equestrian Combat Encyclopedia, vol. V down to ponder what she had just read. A fighting style based solely on the hind legs?! Why haven't I ever heard of this?! She picked the book back up to read about the first basic technique: the Acacia Kick. "Named after the strong and beautiful wood of the acacia tree commonly found in grasslands, the elegant Acacia Kick is performed by simply rearing back a hind leg, then kicking it forward while moving into a bipedal stance, balancing on the other hind leg. This move is extremely flexible in combat and packs a surprising amount of pain."

Twilight jerked her head as if she was a glitched robot. She reread the line "a surprising amount of pain", uttering the words to herself.

She felt betrayed. She had never known any Essential Equestrian brand encyclopedias to use such generalized, nonspecific phrases! Determined to find out just how much the Acacia Kick hurt, she scoured the whole book for further clarification, and when she found none, she took a trip to Canterlot's library, and when she could not find her answer there, she flew to Cloudsdale and searched the two libraries it had to offer, but to no avail. She needed to experience how much the Acacia Kick hurt, even if she had to do the research herself.

Spike sighed as he admired his handiwork. A miniature castle made entirely out of playing cards sat in front of him. This had been his project for the past three hours, and now it was done. Each piece delicately placed, precariously balanced. Spike headed for the doorway to get a cup of water to reward his parched mouth for its patience. Turning around one last time to check on the castle, Spike saw that everything was in order, and there was no need to fret. He turned back around and walked to--

"HEEYAHHHHH!!!!" Twilight yelled as she came bursting through the doorway, hitting an unsuspecting Spike square in the jaw with an Acacia Kick. He flew a few feet across the floor, straight toward his new favorite project. Right as he skidded to a halt, the back of his head just barely nudged one of the bottom cards, and...

Nothing happened. The castle stayed upright. Sighing, Spike wearily returned to his feet.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!" He hollered in a shrill ripe with prepubescence.

"That was for SCIENCE, Spike! SCIENCE! And also because you put Aortic Dissection: Signs and Symptoms before Aniconism and You."

"Well KICKING ME is a rather harsh way to punish a small error in, is it not?"

"Not when you consider that you also put a book about abiogenesis in the evolution category when it just simply doesn't belong there."

"Whatever. So why does science benefit from you kicking me?"

"I'm trying to see precisely how much the Acacia Kick hurts, since my encyclopedia didn't say."

"Really badly!"

"Oh Spike, a response as unscientific as 'really badly' is exactly why I want to see how much this hurts firsthand. Since I am the most skilled pony I know when it comes to using scientific jargon, I figure that if I'm the one who gets kicked then the conclusions drawn from the experiment will be as accurately documented as empirically possible!"

"Then why'd you kick me and not yourself?"

"Silly, you can't effectively kick yourself with this move. Anyways, how much did that kick hurt on a scale of 1 to 300?"

"About an eigh -- wait, out of 300? Why so precise?"

"You'll see later, just trust me; it needs to be this specific."

"Umm..... I'd say about a 264...?"

"WOW, REALLY?! That's in the eighty-eighth percentile! I didn't know I could be that strong! Uh-huh, go Twilight! Uh-huh, go Twilight!" Twilight danced around the room in a short moment of glee. She spun in circles doing a dorky dance, way too close to the castle of cards for Spike's comfort. As she spun, the wind she generated started to visibly make the tower sway. Spike watched on in anticipating horror as...

Nothing happened.

Spike asked, "Why can't you just find somepony to Acacia Kick you instead of... whatever it is you're going to do?"

"I tried to find somepony locally who practices Ta'i Kali, but the fighting style is just too obscure, so I spent the last week mastering this one kick. I don't have the time to teach some other pony the Acacia Kick because the library is terribly behind schedule already, as you know."

"Yeah, I know," Spike added. "So what was the point of kicking me?"

"Well that's where the 300-level scoring systems comes into play. See, I invited all of my friends and family to come and kick you, and you're going to rate them all! The pony whose kick scores closest to my score of 264 will be the pony that will most closely resemble the strength of the Acacia Kick."

"You... invited... pretty much everypony you know... to... kick me.....???"

"Yep, even the Princesses!"

In a last-ditch effort, Spike asked "W-why can't you just find s-somepony else to kick? SomeponywhosenameisnotSpike?"

Twilight began to trot to the front door. "Because, do you think anyone would volunteer to get kicked hundreds of times?"

"I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T!!"

"Yes, but you're my assistant, so it's different. This is more of an... obligation for you, unfortunately."

Spike's eyes widened in fear as he saw Twilight open the door, revealing a long line of ponies ready to kick his butt. They all at once started charging in. Heading straight for Spike, they ignored Twilight's requests for order. He gulped. The stampede of hooves shook the floor enough for the castle of cards to crumble.

"Are you sure, darling? You want me to kick you?"

"I absolutely want you to kick me, Rarity. It's for SCIENCE."

"Well darling, there are many... things I'd like to do to you... ahem, but kicking you is not on that list..."

Completely oblivious to anything implied by Rarity's last sentence, Twilight responded, "Well Spike gave your kick a 264/300, which is exactly the score he gave me. The results are too perfect for me to be okay with finding another pony. Kick me just like you did Spike."

"Well, if you insist..."

Rarity turned and bucked Twilight Sparkle straight in the stomach with all of her might. Twilight tumbled across the floor for nearly 5 whole seconds. When she came to a stop, Twilight lay motionless, gasping for a moment, before screaming,

"I AM FULL OF REGRET."

Author's Note

This is the first fic of mine that I've ever published. I have four others in the works but I've currently lost interest in them. Hope you enjoyed this, please criticize me if need be. Thanks! :twilightsheepish: