We Do Not Joke About Mane Care
Author's Note
Big thanks to Gamma Deekay for editing this.
We Do Not Joke About Mane Care
“Yes, We are an alicorn. No, We don't want to crush you, or eat you, or whatever it is you're thinking. We only want to cut your mane.”
Our response felt so routine at this point that We didn't even look up from the drawer as We pulled out our comb and scissors. The mare with a frazzled mane looked at us with the same wide eyed stare she was giving the moment she walked in. A wide-eyed look that We had the unfortunate pleasure of knowing quite well.
Never-the-less, We paid no mind. Professionalism is key when dealing with new customers, and we will not let who We are get in the way of our job. We spun the chair around and motioned for her to take a seat. “Come, come, sit and relax. Mane cuts are harmless.”
The mare's eyes began to dart around the room. “This is, like, a joke or something, right?” She scanned the room feverishly. “Did the real the barber get kidnapped?”
Joke? Kidnapped!? “Ma'am,” We began boldly, “We do not joke about mane care! The amount of ponies with messy heads and unkempt, wild strands, is a rampant problem in the Wastes. We can not simply ignore such a crisis!”
We looked down at the mare to see that she had disappeared from her place, now hiding behind the counter with her shaky eyes peering over the top at us.
Shame on us. We still lose our temper when ponies do not take us seriously. We took a deep breath, sitting back and putting on the warmest smile We could muster. “We are deeply sorry for the outburst. We are really not violent, all We wish is to make sure your mane is taken care of. After all, everypony deserves to have theirs cared to.” She still hid. We let out a sigh and tried a new approach. “Why don't We introduce ourselves. We are Curling Iron. And you are?”
Her eyes wavered, as if her mind raced with thoughts. After a moment, she relaxed slightly and turned her gaze on us. “My… my name's Jasper Vine.”
We smiled. “Jasper Vine, would you like us to do your mane?”
She stepped out from her hiding spot, took a few breaths, and approached us. “Sure.”
“Excellent,” We said as we stepped back to allow her on the chair. It was then that the front door opened, hitting the bell above it. Like clockwork, We called out to our assistant. “Lugwit, customer at the door!” We saw our assistant's lumbering mass squeezing through the still-too-small room door, the sides creaking as he--WHAT is he doing with his claws? “Lugwit,” We shouted, “how many times have We told you not to pick your teeth with your claws? Customers do not want slobber in their manes!”
The poor fool looked at us with the same brows-raised look he always had when he didn't realize something. And he STILL had yet to get his claw out of his drool-lined teeth.
The mare had stopped in her place, gaze now strongly affixed to him and her mouth opened wide. She was making these curious noises with her mouth, like she wanted to yell out what was on her mind, yet not finding the fortitude to do it. We found it cute.
“Hi, Curling Iron. Hi, Lugwit,” A loud and familiar voice broke the silence that hung between the three of us. “Who's the new lady?”
We looked to the green unicorn who had just walked in. “Ahem. She's a new customer, Derp. She...” We trailed off was We realized that she had not moved even an inch. We waved our hoof in front of her but her eyes remained still. We then placed a hoof on her shoulder and her immediate reaction was to frantically grip onto our leg, hugging too tightly to it. “Uh, Ms. Vine...”
“Hellhound!” Was that the word she was trying to say in her cute babbling noises?
A thought for another time as our immediate priority was to get her off us.. “Ms. Vine, please release your grip.”
“Why is there a hellhound here!?” She demanded with a shrill voice.
“He cuts hair,” Derp answered back, smiling at the scared Jasper. “He does it with his claws. It's cool!”
“Yes, and he should keep his claws out his mouth and rinse them so he can see to you.” We elaborated, shooting Lugwit with a knowing glare.
He nodded, the obedient but slow simpleton, and went to the washroom to do just that. And hopefully not continue to stick them in his mouth.
We looked down to Jasper, smiling again and nodding to signal her to let go. She did so, legs shaking as she hoisted herself onto the seat. We spun the chair to face the mirror. “So what will it be, Ms. Vine? Tell us how your mane should look, and We will make it happen.”
She gave a small shrug with her shoulders. “I don't really know. Just make it look like whatever it is you think is good.”
“Oh come now, darling,” I countered, “this is your mane we're speaking of. Surely you know how you want it to look.”
The adorable Ms. Vine looked up with her hoof below her chin. “Well, could you make it straight and short?”
We nodded, patting her head. “So you say, so it will be.” With that said, We began to do what We do best. Cutting manes was natural, just as simple as breathing. We've heard of spells that could do this job with a simple cast, but such a thing was boring. Such a simpleton's spell was left to those who couldn't bother to take the time to master this art. And it was an art We found an overwhelming amount of joy in.
“So, Ms Vine,” We began as We started with the back of her head, “where are you from?”
We felt her shoulders bounce as We started speaking. Such a skittish little thing. Even so, she responded to our question. “I'm from Downtown Vanhoover.”
We whistled, which made her shoulders bounce again. “That's a ways up North.” We smoothed out the strands as we continued. “What brings you down here?”
She waved her hoof. “I'm on vacation and I thought, 'why not see what there is beyond the city?'” She shuffled a bit in her seat. “To be honest, I thought it was going to be nothing but ruined city skylines and mountains. Didn't expect to see other settlements out here, let alone one with a barbershop.”
We couldn't help but roll our eyes. Of course those pompous ponies sitting behind a wall would think there was nothing but ruins beyond their city. They sat so high on their pile of caps that they couldn't bother to look below them. Especially to see the ‘savage mutant’ giving more of a bother about their manes than anypony else.
“Um, you're pulling a little tight there.” Jasper squeaked at us.
We gently released the comb's grip on her mane, which was now all but straightened out. “Sorry, ma'am.” Note to self: Do not wish pain on others while working. “So, you're on vacation? What do you do?”
“I work as an inventory manager for one of the trade buildings.” She went on to elaborate in surprising detail about her job. In all honesty, most of it went over our head. The most We understood was that she made sure whatever it was her employer's sell was accounted for. “Most of the time, the inventory doesn't change dramatically. Suppose that's what happens when most of your bulk trade happens within your own city. Heck, sometimes another floor in the building is the buyer, so all I have to do is record it on the chart and that's it.”
We had moved on to trimming some of the loose strands that just wouldn't stay in form. “Sounds like this vacation is a well-deserved one then.”
She nodded, a warming smile reflecting in the mirror at us. With dimples, no less! “So far, it's been interesting.” She looked at us in mirror and we knew what she meant.
We let out a knowing chuckle. “We're sure it has.”
“What about you?” We paused our work when she asked the question. “If you don't mind me asking, how does an alicorn end up as a barber in a small town?”
We haven't thought of the story in a while. It felt like it was centuries ago, yet to recall it was like remembering an event that only happened yesterday. Though to be fair, it was about a century or so ago. We resumed our work as we answered back. “Well, it starts when We first recalled what we were before We became an alicorn.”
“Before that though, We recalled a voice telling us what to do, how to do it, and how we were all working towards a higher goal. Then without warning it simply ceased speaking. We were confused, left in this haze of uncertainty. The closest We could compare it to is as if you have heard yourself speak one way for the longest time, but then it abruptly changed without warning. It was alien.”
Her eyes looked up at us in the mirror, and We could feel the concern coming off them. “Sounds scary.”
We nodded, snipping at the bottom of her mane and brushing as We went along. “It was. We wandered the ruins We found ourselves in, not knowing what we should do, treating anything or anypony with hostility out of fear. But soon enough We began to catch glimpses of a past life. The memories came back bits at a time, but they would clearly reveal the sound of clipping scissors, the smell of shampoo, the familiar motions of a comb. The more We remembered, the more We felt driven to do just that.
“We felt like We had purpose again, all We had to do was find a way to fulfill it. It wasn't easy. Our first tool was actually a rusted piece of metal sharp enough to cut a mane, if enough force was applied. That was just one problem though. You can imagine how a pony might feel if an alicorn just strode up to you and asked if they could give you a mane cut.”
She gave a quaint little chuckle at that. “I could probably imagine how they felt.”
We nodded. “Anyway, after a while and some failed attempts at it, We kept heading South in the hopes of finding somepony willing to let us cut their mane. In our search, We happened upon a group of travelers that were being harassed by some unsavory types. We were about to keep going, not wanting to get involved, when I spotted the group's leader. His mane was...” We stopped for a moment, gulping as we thought back to the sight. “It was a disaster! It reached down to his hooves and crawled along his back, you'd think it was connected to his tail! And the stench that came off it...
“Then it hit us like a hurricane. It was as if an invisible force had grabbed us and pulled us in with a sudden tug. We found our wings flared and before We knew it, We were charging towards the thugs, horn forward and magic ready to charge. That mane was ours to cut, and We weren't going to let anypony take that opportunity away from us. By the time we stopped to catch our breath, two of the thugs were already dead while the rest fled in terror. As for the group, they took off in the opposite direction. But We flew over to cut off their escape, overwhelmed by a primal desire. They thought We were attacking them. Had to put up a shield and yell over their gun fire before they stopped firing.”
We found that she had leaned in some, eyes affixed to our reflection. “What did they do when they stopped firing?”
“Nothing. They stood still, waiting for us to act first. We strode up to their leader, and We simply demanded that We give him a mane cut. After some convincing, he agreed. It took some time, and it broke the good pair of scissors We found, but we had done away with the shagginess and utter atrocity that his mane was, and made it into something much more refined. Something that said that this was not a pony to be mocked. The smell was still their, but at least he looked presentable. We found it magnificent. The others, not so much to the same degree. Either way, We asked if they knew of other ponies in need of a mane cut, and surprisingly they led me to their town here.”
We had finished the back and began on one of the sides, giving her room to look back at us. “They just let you in like that?”
We shrugged. “The mayor was welcoming of us, another surprise. He wanted us as another means of protection for the town, and said we could stay if we offered to help guard it.”
Jasper Vine nodded. “Ah, so you agreed?”
“Of course not,” we responded, which made Ms. Vine tilt her head. “We're a mane stylist, not some guard dog that somepony can sick on trespassers whenever they wanted.” In our reminiscing, We puffed out our chest. “We made our point very clear.” Then we deflated a bit. “But he was also the only pony who ran a town that was welcoming us as an addition, and We didn't want to run the risk of not finding another one. So we made a deal. We'll help if the town is under threat, so long as our primary job is styling manes. And so here We are.”
She nodded with a smile. “That's quite the story. But that just explains you. What about the hellhound?”
She looked at the reflection of the big lug using his claws to cut Derp's hair. And by the looks of it, he's finally learning how to get the sides even. Finally. “Ah, Lugwit,” We began, giving a brief sigh as our muzzle creased into a small smile. “Believe it or not, he became our companion after We fought him.”
“While We were still in our search, he ambushed us in the streets. He popped up through the concrete and tried to grab at us, but We were fast enough to take flight and flee. Or We would have fled, had he not tore out a piece of the sidewalk and hurled it at us.”
Jasper Vine covered her mouth with her hoof as she looked at us with wide eyes. “That's one way of saying hello.”
One way of saying hello indeed! “He knocked the wind right out of us, and We had to make a crash landing on the roof of a small building. When We had finally recomposed ourselves, he had already scaled it and was on the roof with us. We may be strong, but We knew that if he had gotten his claws on us, he would certainly tear us apart. So when he lunged at us, We made a mad dash to the side and jumped to the roof of a smaller building. Looking back, We saw him hurling a piece of concrete at us again. This time We were fast enough to grab it with our magic. Before We had a chance to give him a taste of his own medicine, he jumped down to us and charged. We used the chunk as an impromptu shield, which he just as easily managed to rip apart, though it gave us just a second's chance to charge him with our horn. It was desperate attack that only got him in his shoulder. When We pried ourselves free, he swiped us with his paw and sent us flying back down to the streets.”
Jasper Vine winced at that detail. “You're certainly sturdy if you managed to survive that.
We nodded with a grimace. “It was painful, but We could still draw breath. He jumped down, just a few feet from us, and began to lumber towards us. We looked around in desperation for anything that could help, and our eyes fell upon an old post box behind him. We focused all our magic on it, lifting it from it's place. He was close enough that We could smell his breath when had flung it at the back of his head. He was still standing, but dazed, so we took the box and smashed him again with it. When we hit him a third time, he finally fell down, whimpering. We followed suite, drained from putting all our magic behind the strikes.
“In our tired states, we locked gazes. We saw his side rise up and down with each heavy breath, and felt ourselves doing the same. We we're both battered and beaten, yet we continued to keep our eyes affixed to each other, as if we were in one final battle of wills. Soon enough, We found the strength to pick ourselves back up. From his position, We must have towered over him, our eyes never leaving his. Then he did something We weren't expecting. His ears pinned back, he sat up, and his gaze shifted into a more complacent one. If We had to guess, he must have seen us as an alpha of sorts.”
She nodded with her mouth open. “I see, so he followed you then, like a dog following his master.” She gave another adorable smile. “That's cute.”
We held a hoof up. “Actually, We pointed him in a direction away from us and he went, leaving us be.”
Her brow cocked. “Wait, so if he was sent away, why is he still here with you?”
“Funny thing that. Sometime after We became part of the town, he arrived and started causing panic. The sheriff and his ponies came scrambling into the shop begging for my assistance. When I came out, Lugwit had one of the residents held upside down.” We could not help but snicker at that sight. Call us rude, but thinking back on it, it was funny seeing that loud-mouth mare in that situation. We found that We’d lost our train of thought and apologized to Ms. Vine as we continued. “Anyway, when We came about the sight, We did the strangest thing. We told him to sit.”
This time Jasper gave a snicker. “You told him to sit?”
“That We did. We weren't even thinking about the command, it just came out as a reflex. His mouth was already open to bite her, but when he heard us and looked to our direction, he stopped. He didn't sit, but he stopped, dropping her and coming over to us with this expecting look reminiscent of the one he gave back in the outskirts.
“So we pointed him in a direction out of town, and he left only to come back later. We lead him out of town the second time he showed, but then he followed us back. Try as we might, we couldn’t get him to leave us alone. In the end, We figured that if he was at least going to be obedient to us, we might as well keep him around.”
“How'd that go with the town?” Jasper asked.
“Well, convincing the mayor took a reassurance that I watch him, the sheriff that he'd help with security, and introducing him to most of the residents during happy hour at the bar. He was still, well, beastly is the best way to put it. He fidget around when he had nothing to do and he growled at anypony that came near. He needed more of positive public image but We had no idea how to make that happen.”
We turned our gaze back to Lugwit as he worked on Derp. “Then the green one comes in for a touch up, looked at Lugwit's claws and made some remark about him being a barber as well. We thought it was pipe dream at first, but We wanted a solution, and Derp gave us something to work with. So doing some test runs on some poor mannequin heads, he finally became precise enough to not cut a pony's skull.” We looked back at Ms. Vine's mane, finishing it up. “And so he's now our assistant.”
She shook her head, letting out small whistle. “Did it work out?”
We gave a small twirl with our hoof. “It was a little hit-and-miss, but ponies stopped running for the nearest shelter when they see him now, so I'd say they acclimated to his presence.”
She nodded. “The green guy certainly looks fond of him.”
We took another look at the two and saw Derp give an enthusiastic clap when he saw his mane finished. “Yes, well, he's fond of many things.” Looking back the mirror, we put away our tools and gestured for Ms. Vine to look at it. “And We certainly hope you're fond of your new look.”
Looking to the mirror, Jasper perked up, turning her head about as she looked at the now shortened mane. Goodness, did that smile melt our heart. “It looks good! Thank you.” She got of the chair and opened up her saddle bag. “How much do I owe you?”
“Twenty.” we replied routinely. She presented a small pouch of caps and after counting it, we put them into the register. She then reached a hoof out to us and We reached out our own to shake it. “It's been a pleasure, Ms. Vine.”
“Same to you, Curling Iron.” She responded with a warm smile, melting out heart once again, before waving us a goodbye and heading out the store, Derp exiting shortly after.
Lugwit came up next us and we both watched our satisfied customers leave. Reminiscing on the old days with Ms. Vine, We felt a swelling build in our chest. It was a warm sensation that met you each day as you look at what you do and give yourself a pat on the back, telling yourself well done. It felt like a long time ago that We were naive and scared of the world without the voice telling us what to do. But looking at the shop and Lugwit, We almost felt silly about our old selves. Despite the Wastes and it's issues, it felt good to know that you can accomplish anything with enough effort and the ponies around you giving support.
Not being able to help ourselves, we turned to Lugwit to give him a scratch behind the ears as a sign of a job well… “LUGWIT! For goddess' sake, get your claws out of your mouth!”
