She Goes Where She Feels Most At Home
“Celestia?” a timid voice broke the silence.
“Yes, Twilight?” the noble swan replied, looking up from her reading. Her previous student and now fellow Princess had set down her books and stared concernedly at her.
“You never answered my question.” Twilight said evenly, but not without tenderness. Celestia sighed, and lowered her papers.
“She goes to where she feels most at home, I presume.” The Princess stated, and rose to her feet. Celestia's hooves padded on the soft carpet as she walked from the plush reading area over to the table of treats that had been delivered for the study session. She set out a pair of teacups onto the fine lace tablecloth and began pouring herself some hot tea. She sat upon her favorite pillow chair and motioned for Twilight to follow.
“And… is that not here in Canterlot? With you?” the younger alicorn chanced the question as she got up, carefully checking the expressions on Celestia’s face. She did not want to upset her elder. Moving quickly, she joined her mentor at the table, Celestia pouring Twilight her own cup of tea.
“No. I suppose it isn’t.” Celestia frowned, the sadness in her voice was very apparent.
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to upset you.” Twilight assured. “I just never notice her here unless something big is happening. Before, I had always sort of assumed that she was here with you.”
“My dear Twilight, you never have to worry about asking me questions.” A thin smile cracked Celestia’s face. “You see, my sister and I have not had the same relationship we did before her imprisonment. She... has chosen to make her home elsewhere.”
“Oh no! Are you two fighting?” horror struck the heart of young Twilight.
“Certainly not. We get along well enough, but... it would seem that some wounds never really heal, I’m afraid.” The sun Princess poked at her teacup, before adding a few lumps of sugar and stirring.
“Wounds?” Twilight’s expression shifted from shock to concern.
“Twilight, I think it’s time I told you this story.” Celestia said with a sigh, her face falling from it's usual grace. She levitated a book over from a dusty shelf in the corner. “You might recognize this book?” she asked. Twilight peered over the cover.
“But of course. How could I forget? This is the book I first discovered the story of Nightmare Moon in, the day you sent me to Ponyville.” Twilight smiled softly down at the old, tattered book.
“Indeed it is. And you remember, you told me that when Zecora allowed you to drink from the potion whilst Luna and I were captured, you saw poor Luna’s banishment?” Celestia began flipping through the tender pages. Twilight nodded that it was the truth. “Well, the potion did allow you to see a piece of the past… but such things are distorted with time, and fragments and details are always lost along the way. Potions of that nature simply aren’t magically strong enough to recreate every detail exactly as they were, no matter how talented the brewer.” Finding the page she was searching for, Celestia pushed the book back over to Twilight, who looked upon the page before her.
“This is where it talks about you, and how ponies loved the sun.” Twilight commented, gently touching the little ponies at play on the page.
“Indeed. But there is more to this part than the story says... In those days, we were more than Princesses to the ponies of Equestria. We were relished like Goddesses, as though we had the power to do absolutely anything.” Celestia explained. “Or at least, that is how they loved me." Celestia's eyes rested upon the book, hazy with the burden of unspoken thoughts.
"Every day, I was in the limelight. And during that time I was not a kind pony, least of all to my sister… One could say that I had become drunk on the sudden power at my disposal. One word from me and the crowds cheered. To them, I was beloved, and endearing, and all-powerful.” As Twilight watched, mouth slightly agape, Celestia stared vacantly into her tea.
“Twilight… I was a monster.” With tears welling in her eyes, Celestia shuddered and continued. “I was so caught up in my own glory; I truly believed that there was nothing else that could compare to the perfection I was perceived to be. At least, I did until Luna began to come of age." The elder Alicorn shifted uncomfortably in her seat, avoiding eye contact with the younger Princess.
"Luna was growing into a young mare at that time. She was smart, talented, and beautiful. Colts began to notice her, the ponies loved her company, and I could see their hearts melt in her presence... So many years later, I am finally able to admit that I'd been jealous. I had become a selfish pony and I did not wish for her to join me in the light. I feared for her to become more beloved than myself.” Finally daring a glance over to Twilight, Celestia was met with curious, but sad eyes. Quickly flicking her gaze away again, Celestia continued.
“In an attempt to hide that growing bitterness, I began to tell her lies. I told her such awful things, Twilight... I said that ponies were speaking ill of her. That they believed her too dark and strange, that her night was frightening to them." Celestia scowled at the resurfacing memories. "I told her that they believed her to be unappealing, that their politeness stayed their tongues in person. Through false concern I suggested that perhaps it would be best if she were to reduce her presence, to hide herself away from them." Celestia sneered, as though the words were bitter on her tongue.
"But Celestia, if the ponies of Equestria had taken to her as you say, how could she believe all those things?" Twilight furrowed her brow, trying to understand. She'd poked at her own tea without much interest in this time, and had already accepted that it'd grow cold. Celestia stiffened in discomfort, but attempted to relax herself and spoke.
"Because, as if lying to my sister were not awful enough, I also told the citizens lies. I lied daily to cover up the lies I so often fed my sister... I claimed that monsters crept across Equestria when the sun went down, that it was dangerous to be out when the moon came up. I insisted, whenever my sister was not present, that night was the best time to locks their doors and to rest. In my blind greed for affection, I instigated everypony’s distaste of the night; I encouraged their trepidation, and ignored it as it advanced into fear and disgust.” She scrunched her nose, and glared at her reflection in her cup. With hesitation, Twilight motioned to speak, before being swiftly cut off.
“But what was worse, Twilight, is that all the while, I pretended to be on Luna's side. Every time she begged for an event to show the ponies the truth of her night, I found an excuse to not. I found an excuse to turn her down every time she looked up. I stood by her side so that she believed that I truly mourned with her, and that it broke my heart every time she cried. But on the inside, I smiled... Oh to the heavens! Somehow, I smiled..." Lip shaking slightly, Celestia's eyes shut tightly, forcing tears to stay put. "How could I have smiled?" She muttered, putting her head in her hooves. Pupils narrowed, Twilight was at a loss of words, never before seeing her mentor in such a state.
"Of all things, I was joyous of her downfall." Celestia spoke through her hooves. "The more they turned away from Luna, the more they turned towards me... Even she turned towards me, not knowing that the only family she had was manipulating her livelihood, and orchestrating her pain.” Celestia dared another glance over to her companion. Twilight's face was very stern, and calculating. Yet she said nothing. Celestia felt the silence crushing down on her.
"She was so hurt, and I was so oblivious to it... or at least, perhaps, I made a point to pretend that I was. Yet even then, all those years ago, I fear... no, I know that deep down I knew that what I was doing was monstrous. In some way, I feel as if I had truly convinced myself that my actions were somehow for the best. As though my lies had become so many and so twisted amongst themselves that I'd forgotten what was really true." Twilight's expression remained hard, but took on a tone of sadness.
“Celestia. I won’t lie to you, what you did to her was awful.” The purple mare frowned, “But I know who you are, I've known you all my life. And I truly do believe that you’re sorry for it, that you have been for a very long time. With youth often comes foolishness and dare I say, arrogance. But who you were then clearly isn't who you are now.” Twilight smiled sweetly and laid a gentle hoof on Celestia's foreleg. “Please, I want you to tell me the rest of this story. While it is so heartbreaking, none of this really explains to me exactly why that if you’re forgiven, Luna doesn’t live here with you.”
“How can it not, Twilight?” Celestia groaned miserably, her ears laid back in shame. “Luna has never told me where she goes, and she’s never told me why she opts to be elsewhere, but it can only be because of the monster I was to her then. Surely she's figured out that it was all because of me by now..." the elder princess sputtered.
"I’ll never forget her face the day she found out the full truth of how the ponies of Equestria had begun to think of her." fighting tears, the sun princess shook. "I have never seen that kind of hurt. Not before then, or ever since.” Celestia's voice fell to a softness bordering on inaudibility. Tears now openly streamed down her face.
“It was the day she was confronted in the street of the city that surrounded our old castle. It was the first time in a week that she, a mere teen, had even left her bedchamber. The first time in a week, and she was attacked." Wiping her tears back, Celestia struggled to continue. "They called her names, some actually hit her and shoved her, and things were thrown at her. I could hear as she was told to leave Equestria, and to take all away all the evil and monsters within her realm. She was so clearly hurt and humiliated." Celestia scrunched her face in shame and softly shook her head.
“It was at that time I landed from flight and put a halt to the senselessness. I demanded they stop and to return to their homes, which by my command, they did. In that brief moment I felt proud of myself, as though I had done Luna some huge favor. As if this one good deed secretly made up for all the problems I'd caused her; until she turned to me… she turned, and gave that empty, awful look." Celestia forced herself to raise her head and eyes to her student again. Twilight was definitely processing what she'd heard, her eyes were almost fogged over with thought.
"She didn’t even resemble my sister in the slightest. It was like looking into the eyes of a pony whose spirit had completely left their body." Celestia prodding gently, hoping almost desperately that Twilight was too distracted too hear much more. "I tried so hard to comfort her in some way, to bring back my sweet, loving sister. But something had changed in her that day. She wouldn’t even speak to me... Over time this angered me, but I failed to give up my pride." she tried further. To her dismay, Twilight's eyes brightened and she nodded, her attention fully back to her mentor's words.
"I instead took Luna's silence as a personal offense, and for one whole year after that point, we lived in the same castle and never spoke unless it led to an argument." With another sigh, Celestia's face hardened and she shut her eyes. "Luna would plead with me to allow some love for the moon, for her night and all her hard work, but I never once did budge. And so it was that, however angrily, the sun continued to rise and set, as did the moon... Until that one fateful day.” Finally giving up on her tea, Celestia pushed it aside.
“It was the morning of the Summer Sun Celebration. The longest day of the year. Normally, Luna joined me at the festival to lower the moon as I raised the sun. But that year, she was not there beside me. Wherever she was, she lowered the moon in time, but I still have no idea where she went that morning." Her brows furrowed, Celestia thought hard for a moment, contemplating the 1000 year old incident.
"I went to find her after the sun was up and I could break away from the throng, but found no trace of her for a long while. When we did meet later that morning, we only fought... I was angry that she didn't show up, that she'd just disappeared. I feared how it made us... how it made me look." Celestia briefly explained Luna's answers, and that Luna had refused to support what she didn't believe in.
"When I couldn't understand why she wouldn't come, she stomped away. I searched for her again later, with no luck until I entered the throne room.” Celestia laid her ears flat and sighed heavily. “You know much of the rest from there, but in truth we spoke for a few moments before our fight truly started."
"As you know, from the place behind her throne, she hid from me." Celestia said solemnly. "When she finally answered my calls, she did not speak lightly, nor did she beg. This time, she said that if I didn't allow her the honor she deserved, then she'd take it from me. I… I refused, and became angrier.” Celestia appeared anything less than regal and proper. Her eyes were puffy and red, her nose ran, and she struggled to speak clearly. Twilight pitied her and did her best to show Celestia some warmth and comfort.
“I told her that the ponies of Equestria could not survive without my sun, and that to lessen its importance would be an insult. I told her that for the ‘good of Equestria’ the moon needed to be second, and that I couldn't abide her selfishness any longer… Clearly, that was where the line was drawn. I had gone too far, and spent the next 1000 years thinking about myself because of it. That was my punishment for what happened between she and I, and for the ponies it ruined." Twilight cocked her head to one side, questioning that least sentence.
"You know we battled, but the battle between Luna and I was much, much longer and much bloodier than I believe you saw. It raged for too long, and far too many ponies suffered its effects because I was too proud to give her what she desired… and what she deserved. If I am honest, were it not for the Elements of Harmony, she probably would have won. I had no idea the strength within her until then.” The silence in the room was heavy as Celestia paused briefly.
“When I used the Elements of Harmony against her, it was the final thread that broke the bond we'd shared with them… and each other. I had gone corrupt from the elements I had represented. Were it not for her own magical abilities and her own connection to the elements, I likely would have succeeded in locking her away completely." grimacing at the prospect, Celestia shook with everything she was sharing for the first time.
"But it was her connection to them that lessened the severity of her sentence, and which allowed her eventual escape. When the deed was done, and Luna gone, the elements locked themselves away from me. Clearly they knew my heart better than myself." still tearful and ashamed, Celestia played with the pink hairs of her mane to distract herself. Twilight sat in silence, thinking hard about the elements and her own connection to them.
"I’d never felt as empty as I did that day, Twilight. The elements had opened my eyes to what I'd become, and made me so painfully aware of what I'd just lost... I was hailed as a hero back then, but to this very day I despise the very concept. I was no hero then, nor am I now... I was a maker of villains... and hardened hearts..." Celestia lowered her head mournfully.
"With the help of many unicorns I managed to lower the moon, again bringing on the first day of summer. Then, and for 1000 years after, I could feel my sister’s seething eyes locked heavily upon me from her moon. It was years before I no longer needed help in moving it, and every time I saw it's glowing rage, it was a reminder of the truth." Celestia's eyes wandered to the paintings and tapestries that filled the walls of the room.
"I filled the castle with more reminders of that fateful day. Ponies took it as a means of celebration of a victory, as recorded history, but it was in actuality a reminder to never become that pony again. To remind me who really deserved to be ruling Equestria, and who deserved to be locked away.” Celestia held her head in her hooves, the shame evident in every ounce of her being. Twilight rested her hoof on Celestia’s shoulder.
“Celestia, have you ever talked to Luna about this since her return?” Twilight asked. “It seems to me that there are plenty of things you should probably clear up and talk to her about.”
“No, I have not.” Celestia admitted. “I had hoped she’d come to me when she was ready, but she never has... I am afraid of what she may say or do when she finds out that it truly was I who caused her unraveling all those years ago.” The solar princess looked nothing less than exhausted.
“Then I promise you that I will be a mediator should I need to. Luna occasionally comes to tea in Ponyville, and I’m sure she’d be more than willing to come to chat with the both of us if I asked.” Twilight suggested excitedly, and Celestia could sense that she was already laying out every detail of a plan.
“Twilight, I’m afraid I must decline. I don’t think Luna would approve of it, or agree to it.” Celestia sighed. “And, as it were, I’m feeling a little tired from all this. If you don’t mind, I think I could use some time alone for now. Please.” Celestia's eyes betrayed her attempt to sound less pleading.
“I understand Princess.” Twilight stood and bowed slightly. “If you need me, I’m just a letter away. I know I sent my friends back to Ponyville for the night, but I think Spike and I’ll be staying in my old room here in Canterlot tonight. If you feel like talking again later, feel free.” With a faint smile, and a quick hug, Twilight walked somewhat sullenly to the door.
“Oh! And Celestia?” she turned to face her mentor.
“Yes, Twilight?” the elder Princess raised a brow.
“I don’t hold what happened against you. I think it’s something perhaps anypony may have struggled with in a way, given the circumstances. And Luna is a smart mare, she is very kind, and slow to surprise it would seem. If you just talked with her I just know she’d be happier that you finally admitted your wrongs than anything.” Her ears laid back, Twilight smiled and turned again to leave.
"Someday, I hope so." Celestia replied, rising to her feet. Walking to the far end of the room, she opened the doors to the balcony and stepped out of the library. Looking out to the dusk, she grasped the sun, and lowered. Somewhere out in the world, the moon too was grasped, and rose. The pale light enveloped the balcony and as stars sparkled brightly above, the sun princess sighed dreamily. "How I hope so."
Author's Note
Another quick, unedited, one-shot in celebration of the first day of summer!
FYI!! THIS IS NOT DESIGNED TO BE A BASHFIC ON CELESTIA! I WROTE THIS ABOUT FROM THE PERSPECTIVE ON HOW SHE MIGHT FEEL ABOUT HERSELF!
I always liked to imagine that Celestia had kind of a mean streak in her youth, and a lot of frustrations that ended up hard on Luna. She's a much kinder and gentle pony since then of course, and so full of regret. Too bad I'm not very good at portraying that. :/
Anyway, enjoy it for what it is, or don't I guess.
