Pinkie Pie is a Flankhole!!!
Introduction: This fic is based on the Nostalgia Critic’s sketch “Kyle Hebert is an Asshole!”, but for this, the Critic deals with everyone’s favorite pink party pony.
Nostalgia Critic belongs to Doug Walker.
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic belongs to Hasbro.
Pinkie Pie is a Flankhole!!
By Gent777
A camera begins recording, revealing a man in his late twenties. The man sports dark brown hair, mustache, and beard while his accessories consist of a pair of glasses, a black suit jacket and baseball cap with a loose red tie running down his white T-shirt, and standard jeans.
“Hi, everybody,” introduced the man, “this is Doug Walker. I’m at the Bronycon. This is my first time here and something really cool, as I’m here with Pinkie Pie!”
Turning the camera, Doug reveals a pink equine with a messy, curly mane and tail of a darker shade of pink while sporting a picture of three balloons (one yellow, two blue) on her flank.
“HI!!” Pinkie calls to the camera.
“That’s right! And the great thing about Pinkie, which is obvious to almost everyone, is that she is one of the Mane Six in the hit cartoon show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Of course, almost everyone who watches cartoons would know something about My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. And she’s going to be interviewed right now!”
“Abso-de-lutely!” Pinkie replied cheerfully. “Hi, my name is Pinkie Pie! And I love to party! Who doesn’t like to party?! In fact, the Bronycon is, like, one HUGE party! There’s cake, there’s games, there’s people with friends! And –– ”
“Isn’t that something?!” Doug asks the camera enthusiastically, as he continues to listen to Pinkie Pie with awe. “It’s really something. I mean, it’s just incredible!”
“ –– and I see somepony, I mean, someone playing ‘Pin the tail on the pony’! That’s my favorite game! Oh no, wait! ‘Hide and seek’ is my favorite game! No no no, wait! ‘Tag’ is my favorite game! Actually, they’re ALL my favorite games!!”
“ –– and so I told oatmeal about how Twilight is such a bookworm, but then I realized, why do they call those kind of ponies a bookworm? I mean, they love reading books, but they’re not worms. They’re ponies! Why aren’t they called ‘bookponies’? I’ve never even seen a worm that can read books. Or even lift one –– “
“This is actually kind of incredible,” said Doug Walker, still in awe, but for different reasons. “She’s been going on for, like, twenty minutes. It’s really where she’s, like, really dedicated to talking and socializing.”
“ –– Owlowicious is an owl and he likes to read like Twilight, but he’s not called a bookworm. Why is it so different like that? It’s like that time when Rainbow Dash confessed that she liked reading, but she says egghead instead of bookworm. I don’t get why she says egghead. I mean, Twilight’s head is not an egg –– ”
“ –– why do they even call it Mountain Dew? Is this soda actually made of dew from a mountain? That’d be so weird! Then you’d have to climb up a mountain all the time to make this soda –– ”
“Okay, she’s been going on for about an hour,” said Doug, now wearing a look of concern on his face. “This is actually kind of scary. I’m legitimately concerned.” As Pinkie Pie continued to ramble, Doug began voicing his concern for Pinkie, saying things like “You need to stop” and “I’m concerned”.
“Okay, Pinkie,” said Doug, his tone clearly declaring that he wanted to end the interview. Unfortunately, his tone fell on deaf ears, as Pinkie continued to ramble like a device with no off switch. “You’ve been really great. I, uh, um…You really need to stop now, um…this is way too long, I’m concerned for you.” Pinkie continued to talk like it was nobody’s business. “Okay! Well, I’ve gotta go now. There’s lots of things I need to do and I’m just gonna very slowly back away from you right now. Just sort of go this way, okay, please stop following me. I don’t know what’s wrong with you. Okay, Pinkie, gotta go! Gotta go! It’s been charming! Wonderful! Fantastic!”
“ –– and that’s how I’m able to catch up to Rainbow Dash! She’s really not a good ‘hide and seek’ player –– ” was all Pinkie Pie managed to say before Doug closed the door on her.
“Okay, that was WEIRD,” Doug said to the camera. “I don’t know what that pony is on, but she is freakin’ DEDICATED. Like, she is sca –– ”
“♪Oh, Dooouuuug!♪” Pinkie called in a sing-song voice as she opened the door. “♪Where are yooouuuuuu?!♪ Oh! There you are! So anyways, I was trying to say that I’m the best when it comes to ‘hide and seek’. And ‘tag’!” Doug began to pick up speed, dread filling him faster than a speeding cheetah. “Oh, you’re running! Does that mean you’re playing ‘tag’? Or are you playing ‘hide and seek’? Or are you playing both? Why didn’t I think of that?!”
Doug comes to a halt at an elevator, as he began to frantically push the down button repeatedly, hoping that an elevator would come to his rescue in the next second. However, his hopes were diminished, as the pink pony he now dreads more than Felix the Cat: The Movie stands right next to him.
“Yay! We get to ride an elevator! You know, we don’t have any of this in Equestria. It’d help so much to get to those hard to reach places. We wouldn’t even need stairs. Or maybe we could have an elevator that goes up to a mountain so that we can make more Mountain Dews.”
“The elevators sure take a long time,” said Pinkie Pie, as Doug points his camera at a mirror, which reflects a person with distraught. “Maybe that’s why we don’t have any. They’re, like, really LAZY. Just like the leaves in the ‘Running of the Leaves’. Why are those leaves so lazy? It’s not that hard to let go and fall –– ”
“Elevator music really is nice,” said Pinkie, inside the elevator with Doug and a few other people. “Maybe that’s why you people like elevators. I’d like to have elevator music. It sounds so nice. I can probably make more songs with elevator music.” Doug couldn’t do anything else as Pinkie rambled on, except to look at his camera with a look of distress and mouth the words ‘Fuck me’.
Doug was scanning several artwork on a table, but was having a hard time thinking and deciding what to buy, thanks to a certain pink pony that talks on and on like there is no tomorrow. “Go away!” Doug yells to Pinkie, who was still rambling. “I’m trying to buy something. GO AWAY!” When that attempt was as successful as the last, Doug directs his attention to a pegasister that was in charge of the table of merchandise to be sold. “Look, it’s YOUR table! Can you tell her to go away?!”
“I like her,” the pegasister replied.
“You’re an IDIOT!”
“Shut up,” said Doug in a low and quiet voice. “Shut up,” now slowly raising his voice with each word, “shut up, shut up. You! You shut up! God, she won’t shut up! She just keeps going and going and going! She’s like a deranged Energizer Bunny! She won’t shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
“Hey, Doug!” said a random female.
“You shut up, too!”
Doug now sat with a bunny-eared cosplayer interviewing him. “Okay, so my first question for you is how did you come up with the idea of The Guy With The Glasses dot com?”
“It’s That Guy With The Glasses,” replied Doug.
“That Guy With The Glasses,” rectified the cosplayer. “My bad.”
“It’s good. I’ll kill you in your sleep,” joked Doug. “No, actually, it all started, at first, I was there and then –– ”
“HEELLOOOOOOOOO, DOUG!!” Pinkie shouted enthusiastically after popping out from behind the two.
“OH MY GOD!!” Doug shouted in annoyance as Pinkie greeted him. Predictably, Pinkie continued her onslaught of words from her incoherent thoughts. “Shut up!” Doug shouted.
“Didn’t we play ‘tag’ already?” Pinkie asked as she was pursuing a panic-stricken Doug. “I know I liked this game, but you must love it if you keep running away!”
“Go away!” Doug shouted at his pursuer, who was still in the middle of her non-stop conversation. “Stop following me!”
Doug came to a full stop when he no longer heard any words from the bubbly pink pony. Looking back, he was relieved to see that she was nowhere in sight. “Oh, Jesus. Oh, thank God, I think I lost her AHH!” Turning back to his front, he saw that she was standing there, continuing her endless conversation that would make a high school gossip girl blush. Frustrated, Doug could only let out a scream that matched his current emotion. “YOU NEED TO DIE!!!
“ –– so then Celestia told me to help Twilight lighten up. That’s when I came up with a super, brilliant, most spectacularific idea to throw the MOST AWESOMEST PARTY –– ”
“Pinkie Pie is an ASSHOLE!” Doug shouted at his camera. “She will not shut up! She’s been following me everywhere! Everywhere throughout this goddamn con, never shutting up! I’m in a middle of a panel right now! Look!” Doug pointed his camera to the audience, who delivered a loud, rambunctious cheer. Turning the camera back to himself, he continues, “She will not shut up! She is just a fucking little…YOU’RE AN ANUS! YOU’RE AN ANUS ON LIFE!!” There, the audience booed in the middle of his insult, directing their disdain towards Doug, who, at first flabbergasted, shouts, “Hey! Hey! Who would you rather listen to?! Me, or some damn pink pony from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic?!”
The decision was a no-brainer, as seconds later, Pinkie was on the stage alone, holding a microphone (somehow), and addressing her audience, “WHASSUP, EVERYPONY?! I mean, EVERYBODY! I’m Pinkie Pie and I’m here to answer ANY questions you’d like to ask!”
Doug could only massage his temples, as he sat with the audience, groaning, “I really fucking hate my fans right now.” A fan tried to comfort him. “Don’t touch me!”
“Shut up!” Doug shouts, as he finds himself once more running from his pink pursuer. “SHUT UP!” Doug shouted again, with a lot of desperation in his tone. “Oh Jesus, SHUT UP!”
Doug had placed his head under his pillow, as he lay in his bed inside his hotel room, trying to block out the dialogue of a certain annoying pink equine that was lying right beside him. Doug tried to punch the pillow he was under repeatedly to make as much noise to block out the sound, but was having as much progress as world peace. He couldn’t take it anymore.
“SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUPP!!!” The pink pony still continued, ignoring the interruption, prompting Doug to do what he was doing before while letting out a loud groan.
Minutes later, Doug started sobbing while Pinkie went on about how she first broke the fourth wall, which transitioned into how she obtained her Pinkie Sense. But Doug could care less, as he had no shelter from the pink pony’s verbal assault except for his own insanity.
Several more minutes later, Doug started staring off into space, his face blank from any emotions.
“ –– and you wouldn’t believe the third time a Pinkie Promise was broken. I mean, the nerve of that guy! He said that he would show me Dragonball Z. But I still haven’t watched a single second yet! You know, why doesn’t our show have any epic narration? Just imagine how that would sound!”
As Pinkie carried on with her rambling of whatever comes to her jumbled mind, Doug slowly stared at her, still emotionless, then back to what he was staring at before. Then, he slowly picked up his pillow and covered Pinkie’s face.
“Find out on the next exciting episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Ma –– ” was all Pinkie let out before she started fidgeting, then slowly collapsing. When Doug removed the pillow, he saw that Pinkie had derped eyes and no breathing pattern. Doug had done the unthinkable.
Turning to his camera, he addressed whoever would be watching, “Okay, so I just killed Pinkie Pie. I probably angered a lot of bronies. I lost a lot of fans. Chances are I’ll either be going to jail for ten to twenty years or I’ll be killed by my fans and bronies. But…GOD, it was worth it. Hmm, if only there was someone to blame this on though.” Eyes lighting up, he picked up his iPhone and dialed a number. “Hey Blueblood, come on up!”
The door to the hotel room opened, as a white unicron trotted in with a smug and excited expression.
“All right. Where are those free mares at?” He turned his attention towards the bed, where a dead pink pony still lies in place. Shocked, he slowly approaches the body until he heard a siren from a distance. “Oh, WHAT THE HAY –– ”
THE END.
Hope you all enjoyed it.
Here’s the link to the skit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2WIiZljam0
The artwork belongs to Atomic-Chinchilla of DeviantArt. Here’s the link: http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=§ion=&q=nostalgia+pie#/d4dgbbj
More News:
I have a few pony fics on DeviantArt, which involves the ponies in Spongebob episode. It involves the layout of the good old Spongebob episodes, but with MLP characters instead. Now that I know about the fact that I can’t write fics on this website in script layout, I’m going to be writing these parody fics for this website instead of DeviantArt. But that might take a while.
