Prologue: A Simple Question
Dear, God. I have but a simple question for you.
Why me? Out of the eight billion Humans residing on Earth, all of the vagabonds and criminals, harlots and wretches, murderers and rapists, why was I chosen specifically? Did I do something that places me in one these classes, these groups of people that are making our planet a hellhole? Did I happen to rape someone when I wasn't aware of it or something? Surely, I couldn't have done something to warrant being placed in this hellhole. This piece of shit may have nuts in it, but it's still a piece of shit, like Earth.
Sure, I wasn't the model citizen, and neither did I preach or sing in a choir like a good little boy, but I wasn't a bad person, at least I like to think so. I may get a little rowdy when I have a few beers, and I also may try to punch someone in the throat, but I was intoxicated. That doesn't really count, does it? Of course it does, I’m just making excuses to justify my poor existence. After all, God, you make everyone in your image. So, therefore, all of those vagabonds and criminals, harlots and wretches, murderers and rapists were born to become that, hmm?
Even if I choose to bitch at you all day, trying to justify myself, I'm never going to get an answer out of you. I can get down on my knees and beg for an answer, but you are just going to have me wander this land of horses to atone for a sin I have not committed. Unless, I did unknowingly, and you will never tell me, deciding to sit on your throne and watch me suffer for the rest of my life, surrounded by beings of a different nature. Ones that are currently trying to get inside here and capture me. I will either die or rot in a cell not fit for my size, but you don't care, do you?
So, tell me. I only have but a simple question, surely you have enough time and free will to answer it. Dear, God. Am I going to die today, at the hands of hooved beasts, or am I destined to wander this Earth unlike my own, in search of a way to please you? What am I doing? As if you are going to answer me, you never did all of the times I prayed during my stay here. You don't care for the wellbeing of Humans, we are just puppets for your amusement, a sick joke. Well, this puppet isn't going to hang by these strings anymore.
I remained as silent as a mouse as I sat patiently in the wooden chair, behind a circular table of the same material. On the table was a piece of paper pertaining to my surrender, as well as my knife and composite bow, all of my arrows long gone. I crossed my arms on top of the table and hummed a familiar song as I awaited to be surrounded and captured, either death or imprisonment awaiting me.
I bet my life, I bet my life, I bet my life for you!
Minutes seemed to fly by as I waited, my foot tapping on the hardwood floor, my old work boots nearly fallen apart. I shot a glance to the three windows on each side of the small cabin I decided to hole up inside of, the front door right across from me, barred shut by a wooden slat. The windows were barricaded by planks of wood, nailed to the wall hours before I locked myself inside. They were going to get in, it's not as if it's a matter of if, but more of a matter of when. It's funny considering that applies to everything within this little chase I've been participating in.
Soon enough, I heard the faint sound of hooves galloping on the green grass outside of the cabin, thousands of hoof steps echoing in the small forest this cabin is residing in. Yelling and shouting rang out as the first onslaught of weapons attacking the door and windows began, splinters of wood exploding from the planks of wood. I paid it no mind as I stared forward at the door, watching as the door indented with each buck. Crack! There we go. The wooden slat cracked in half and fell to the floor with a clatter, pieces of wood littering the ground.
Don't tell me that I’m wrong, I've walked that road before.
I allowed the ghost of a smirk to grace my lips as the wooden planks on the windows soon gave into to the force of their weapons and to drop to the ground with a clank, the sound of it echoing throughout the entirety of the small, wooden cabin. The smirk grew even wider as the door was bucked inwards with the force of the Sun itself, the hinges breaking off and the door falling to the ground with a mighty thud. And, now for the party to start. After all, you can't throw a party without guests, no? It would be so very boring.
I leaned back in my chair with my arms folded atop my chests, my lips curving upwards into a warm smile, watching as Captain Shining Armor, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Princess Cadence, Princess Twilight, and whew, Queen Chrysalis? Since when did you form an alliance with the ponies? Hmm, this party just got very interesting. I may need to build an extra chair for my dear old friend Chrysalis… Oh, nevermind, there's one in the corner. I’m sure she wouldn't mind sitting in a foal’s chair, no? The six of them turned to glare at me, their soldiers flanking them. Celestia went to open her mouth, but I raised my hand.
“Take a seat, then you can accuse me.” I stated tersely, motioning to the five chairs spread out in front of me, enough room for the Captain and the four Princesses to fit on. The five of them glanced to each other uneasily before complying with my request, plopping down on the wooden chairs. I turned to Queen Chrysalis, a carefree glint in my eyes. “I have no business with you. You can see yourself out.” The bug’s face contorted from a neutral expression to a furious one, jabbing a hoof at me.
“You petulant foal! You do not know of the terror and catastrophic damages you have dealt to my Hive, and my changelings! No, I will stay and you will listen to me!” I stared at her after her angry outburst, witnessing first hand the wrath of Queen Chrysalis… And then I burst into laughter, slapping my knee as I tried to calm down, my sides aching from laughing so hard. Chrysalis breathed through her nostrils heavily, but she didn't say anything else. I wiped a tear from my eye as I calmed down from my laughter, sighing as I chuckled.
“Oh, Equines. When will they ever learn… Let's get this underway. In front of you is all of my weapons and a document detailing my surrender.” I informed, pointing to the items sprawled out on the table. Princess Celestia’s horn lit up and was surrounded by a yellow aura as she levitated the terms of surrender to eye-level, her eyes scanning the page before she sighed loudly, placing the scroll back on the table, turning to gaze into my eyes.
“These terms are acceptable, however, I hope you are prepared for a death sentence. You have committed thirty-seven thefts, seventy-six murders, and are single-hoofedly responsible for the destruction of Queen Chrysalis’ Hive.” She named off the crimes I committed and I shrugged, secretly giddy that my plan actually worked and she accepted the terms. Oh Lord, these ponies will never learn, will they? If they're this easy to fool, why oh why did I ever allow myself to be captured that first time? I rid of these thoughts, a sadistic grin forming on my face.
“Oh, I’m ready.”
You may be wondering what happened for everything to come to this, and while I won't deny it's been a wild ride, I think I was sent here for entertainment purposes. And what better way to entertain something than a plan so crazy and insane that you doubt yourself? Well, maybe I should start from the beginning; then maybe you can be entertained the same way this God has for the past few months.
