The Conversion Bureau: More Worlds Where it Wouldn't Work

by mariic

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Crossover
Length: 1793

More worlds where the Conversion Bureau would fall flat on its face.

The Multiverse is a large place, and there are infinitely many versions of Celestia who, for one reason or another, thought it would be a good idea to turn humanity into ponies.

But as the old saying goes, "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong."

The quasi-official sequel to the comedy fanfic by Sora2455 is here!

Published 2016-06-24 20:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-06-24 20:30:01 UTC

World Eleven: The Mojave Wasteland

It all comes down to this, he thought as the guards dragged him into Canterlot Palace. Now's the time that I talk some sense into Sun-Butt.

"Alright Celestia," The man declared. "You've finally got me. But before you execute me, there are a few things that I want to ask you."

"Since your failure is inevitable," The Solar Tyrant responded with a smirk, "You might as well make use of what little time you have left."

"If you win, then how are going to feed all of the Newfoals?" The stranger asked.

"What do you mean?" Xlestia asked.

"It's simple," He explained. "As a result of all the Newfoals you're taking in due to the war, your world should be suffering massive food shortages. In addition, you don't have good enough armor and firepower to effectively win. How are you going to take care of that?"

"We have plenty of space," Xlesia retorted, her bravado not wavering for an instant. "And we can rapidly industrialize Equestria."

"That's the thing." The stranger explained. "You might have plenty of space, but your rapid industrialization would take up a lot of it too fast for it to be used well, and the resulting pollution from the factories would cause your new farms to not produce enough food reliably. In addition, all those farms and factories would require a lot of workers to run."

"We'll simply use the Newfoals as workers and farmers along with the Earth Ponies, and we'll build on both sides of the barrier." Xlestia responded, beginning to feel some doubt.

"Sure, but the barrier is destroying everything you could have used to support your kingdom." He countered. "Not only that, but you won't have the adequate infrastructure to house all of the Newfoals. And the aforementioned Earth Ponies would most likely be overworked from not only fighting in the war, but also from the sudden industrialization of Equestria and attempting to feed too many ponies when there's not enough workers or farmers to meet with the demand. What are your precious little ponies going to think of that?"

"They will support me at all times!" The tyrant shouted, barely hiding her fear.

"Bullcrap!" The man swore at the top of his lungs. "If anything, they would be against you! They would stand against the 'benevolent queen' who sent millions of their brethren, and maybe more than that, to their deaths in a virtually fruitless war that has dragged on for years! In fact, the only things that are keeping the fabric and general morale of Equestrian society from disappearing altogether is terror and fanaticism! Face it Celestia, your 'Crusade' was doomed to fail long before you made first contact with Earth! Even if you do succeed in turning everyone on Earth into Newfoals, you'll still lose in the long run because there wouldn't be enough resources between our two worlds to keep your species alive for more than a few generations!"

"YOU'RE LYING!" Xlestia bellowed in the royal Canterlot voice. "IF ANYONE'S RACE WILL GO EXTINCT, YOURS WILL!"

"I doubt that," he grinned. "We've already faced extinction once more than 200 years ago in the Great War. On that day, atomic fire rained from the skies, killing or mutating anything and anyone unlucky enough to be caught outside. If what you said about humanity was true, then there wouldn't even be any living thing larger than bacteria left on Earth today, yet here humanity stands, ready to fight for a future for everyone, and we will NEVER let anything or anyone stand in our way! In fact, we're not so different, once you think about it."

"Don't you DARE compare me to you filthy apes!" The queen yelled, all but striking down this interloper with all of her hatred. "Ponies are far more superior than you will ever be! We are perfection incarnate!"

"If that's the case," The stranger pointed out, "then why are you acting out in anger? Isn't anger an emotion that only a flawed human such as myself would use? Not only that, but your crusade involves genocide, which, as you would say, is 'something that only a group of savage, ruthless humans would even think of doing.' Now ask yourself: if you are as perfect as you claim you are, then why are you stooping to an "imperfect species'" level?"

Xlestia's glare intensified, as did the doubt she hid in her mind, and she growled, "I am NOT stooping to your level!"

He remained silent for a few seconds, then asked, "Are you familiar with Caesar's Legion?" He only got silence in response. "I didn't think so." He then began pacing . "Many years ago, there was a man named Edward Sallow..."

Thus began his lecture about the rise and fall of the Legion: the assimilation and enslavement of tribes, who were mistreated in unspeakable ways; the massacres committed in his name, the crucifictions, the battle of Hoover Dam, and how a single package courier and his friends brought it all crumbling down on top of Caesar. And as he lectured, Xlestia's doubt slowly morphed into disgust, then horror, and finally guilt as the Courier (for it was he who came to talk the tyrant down,) asked her, "Does any of that sound familiar?"

At this point, the weight of the Equestrian ruler's crimes came crashing down on her all at once, and she shouted "I'M A MONSTER!" in the Royal Canterlot Voice, and subsequently broke down into tears. "I never meant to hurt anyone." she silently choked out between sobs.

"No one ever does, Celestia." The stranger somberly replied.

"Kill me!" The queen demanded, grabbing the human by his shoulders. "I don't deserve to live for my crimes!"

"I should kill you for everything you did to humanity," the man mused, "but I won't, because you can still atone for your crimes."

"Atone for my crimes?" Xlestia asked incredulously, her red, tear-stained eyes looking into those of this stranger. "I just invaded your world, forcibly turned countless people into mockeries of their former selves, destroyed thousands of cities, and doomed both of our worlds to extinction! How could I possibly atone for all of my sins?"

"Simple," the man explained. "destroy the barrier and turn everyone you turned into Newfoals back into their former selves. Then you're going to help us rebuild both of our worlds. Who knows? Maybe this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

The former tyrant said nothing, she just pulled the man who was willing to forgive her, despite all of her heinous crimes, into a tight embrace and thought, ...Thank you.

Several years have passed since then, and now Earth began to look like the way it did before the world ended. There were vast, green fields of various plants, filled with long-extinct pre-war animals; engineers, both Earth and Equestrian, worked on new technology to improve both worlds; the barrier had long since closed with several earthling-friendly portals (made with both Equestrian magic and Earth technology) leading from Earth to Equestria had taken its place; and adults and children, whether they were Human, Ghoul, Supermutant, Ponies, and various other sentient species all lived in harmony. There were still some around that disliked each other for being different than them, but it never got as bad as it did before the Ponies first arrived. Ever since the Conversion War (as it came to be called) ended, Xlestia was left with one nagging question: Why did that man give her a second chance? That question was finally answered when she found a note saying:

Dear Princess Celestia,
Over the past few years, you have probably asked yourself why I spared you. The answer to that is simple: it's because while people are capable of doing horrible things, they are equally capable of doing great things. If my experience fighting against Caesar's Legion hadn't taught me that, then I know that the Conversion War would have definitely done so.

As for me, I'm heading back to Vegas, because while the Kings can do a good job protecting the place, they can't keep the peace forever. If you ever come by the area, you can visit me any time at the Lucky 38.

--Wishing you well,
Courier Six.

World Eleven -- Friendship... Friendship never changes.

Author's Note

This bit I originally wrote for the MLP Time Loops on Space Battles, but it was rejected due to it being a Conversion Bureau Loop. (Incidentally, talking about the Bureau is A-Okay, which confuses me.)

Prologue: The Conversion Bureau Lore in a Minute

Author's Note

When I said that this fanfic was semi-canon, I mean that Sora2455 gave me permission to write an unofficial sequel to his original story, The Conversion Bureau: Worlds Where It Wouldn't Work. I recommend you view it first if you want to avoid confusion.

With all that said, enjoy!

Prologue: The Conversion Bureau Lore in a Minute

Some time into the future, mankind has been pushed to near its breaking point. Countless decades of war, famine, and pollution have taken their toll on the world, and it seems that all hope is lost. One day, an island/pocket universe known as Equestria, populated by technicolor horses, unicorns, and pegasi (all collectively known as “Ponies”); appears on the sea from out of nowhere. Unfortunately for humanity, Equestria is pushing into Earth’s territory through a magical dome known as “The Barrier”, and Equestrian magic is lethal to humans. Eventually, the Barrier will consume the world and kill off humanity.

To fix this, the Equestrian leader set up “Conversion Bureaus” all over the world, which turn humans into pony-like creatures known as Newfoals, which could go through the Barrier and live in Equestria. However, the ponification process has some noticeable drawbacks: the Newfoals are incapable of swearing or getting angry (or showing any other emotion besides happiness, for that matter), and their personalities are completely changed from what they were when they were human. At a meeting of the United Nations, Celestia (hereafter known as Xlestia) reveals her true intentions: she believes that all humans are inherently evil, so she intentionally teleported Equestria to Earth to convert all of Humanity and kill anyone who tries to oppose her. Mankind, who naturally sees this as Genocide, thus has no choice but to go to war against Equestria for its survival.

And so it went on infinitely many Earths and Equestrias across the Multiverse, with several variations here and there: an Earth Humanity invades Equestria, another where a second Equestria comes to Humanity’s aid, and even Earths where Equestria really did arrive by accident, et cetera, et cetera.

However, the stories we’re here to talk about focus on the failed attempts.

Have fun!