“TWILIGHT, TWILIGHT, TWILIGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!” A pink blur of fur burst into the castle, knocking the lavender unicorn flat on her back. “GUESS WHAT I GOT!!!!”
“A really annoying personality?” Twilight guessed honestly.
“No silly filly, it’s a letter from HOGWARTS!!! I’M GOING TO HOGWARTS!!!!!!!” Pinkie exclaimed, ignoring Twilight’s jab.
Twilight rolled her eyes, pushing the pink mare off of her “Pinkie Pie, Hogwarts doesn’t exist!” she said getting to her hooves. “That’s a made up school in a children’s story!”
“Oh yea Miss Smart Pants, then explain how I got THIS!!” Pinkie proudly pulled out a letter from Celestia knows where and hoofed it over to Twilight.
Twilight levitated the letter in front of her and gave it a quick read before turning back to Pinkie with what was clearly a how bucking stupid are you expression. “Pinkie, this is fake! It’s clearly some merchandising scheme to get more ponies to buy the books. Look, it even has Property of J.K. Fowling, on the back.”
“No silly, she must be in charge of handing out the letters or something. I mean Albutt Doubledork is FAR too busy doing important wizarding stuff to bother giving out letters. Who else is going to do it?”
“The creepy janitor guy with the lesbian cat? Or the bitchy headmistress who does some work on the side as a feline stripper? Heck maybe both of them work on the letter’s in-between whoring it out at the Hogsmade strip club.”
“Mcdonagle and Miss Boriss aren’t lesbian lovers Twilight” Pinkie laughed “That’s ridiculous, Miss Borris is a cat!”
“Yes, but Mcdonagle can transform into a cat right?” Twilight reminded her “Why else would she choose to transform into a cat above all animals? Just for Shit’s and Giggles?”
“Hey guys, what’s going on in here?” a voice interrupted them from behind them as Rainbow Dash entered the foyer.
“DASHIE, DASHIE, GUESS WHAT I GOT?” Pinkie exclaimed jumping in front of Rainbow Dash.
“You’re long lost Dignity and Intelligence?”
“Rainbow that requires her having any to begin with!” Twilight pointed out.
“No sillies, I’M GOING TO HOGWARTS!!!!” Pinkie shoved the letter in Rainbow’s face.
Rainbow Dash took one glance at the letter before shoving it aside “Pinkie this letter is fake!
“No it’s NOT!!” Pinkie protested, “Why does no pony believe me?”
“Pinkie it’s stuff like this that makes me think they should make it a requirement to pass an I.Q. test before being eligible to receive mail…..Or the ability to breath!”
“I never receive any males…” Pinkie Pie mumbled “For some reason they always seem to avoid me.”
“Gee, I wonder why?” Rainbow and Twilight asked sarcastically.
“OH MY GOSH!!!! I just realized I still need to buy all my school supplies and books! I need to get to Diagonal Alley IMMEDIATELY!! It says I can bring a pet if I want, but Gummy is afraid of castles. Maybe I should get an owl to take with me?”
“Pinkie, if you actually insist on being this stupid you could at least put some originality into it.” Twilight interrupted her. “How about taking a giant Polar Bear?”
“Or a Killer Whale?” Rainbow added.
“Or, a pony eating Lion?”
“Maybe a Giant Scorpion?”
“OR any poisonous reptiles of any kind?” Twilight deadpanned.
“Hell with it, how about an Exotic Exploding Penguin?” Rainbow suggested seriously.
“What’s so exotic about an Exploding Penguin?” Pinkie asked.
“It explodes!! Duh!” Rainbow rolled her eyes.
“Oh COOOL, do you know where I can get one?”
“Sure, Princess Cadence grows them in the Crystal Empire. They love it there because they have a fetish for frost bite!”
“AWESOME!!!! Don’t you think you can order one for me Twilight?” Pinkie asked bouncing on the balls of her hooves in excitement.
“Sure………Oooooh, wait. I forgot, Cadence said they lost their entire stock just last weekend.”
“WHAT!!?” Pinkie exclaimed, stopping in midair. “What happened to them?”
“They exploded” Rainbow explained.
“They do that a lot” Twilight added.
“Well why can’t they wait to explode till I can buy one?” Pinkie asked in a whining tone.
“Well this weekend was a Religious day of observation in the Crystal Empire!” Twilight explained. “They were celebrating the dance of the Magical Stripping Pop Tart!”
“Magical Stripping Pop Tart?” Pinkie asked.
“Yes! Once every year near the end of August. The Magical Stripping Pop Tart will fall from the sky, and grace the land by twerking and strip teasing, all who observer this dance will be immediately cured of any ailment including ugliness, old age, cancer, liking Justin Bieber, and the Bubonic Plague.”
“Oh that’s so COOL” Pinkie exclaimed, her eyes shining in wonderment. “I want to go there and see it sometime.”
“Oh sorry, but you can’t. She died over the weekend.”
“WHAT!!!? Pinkie shrieked. “What happened to her?”
“She was eaten by one of the Exotic Exploding Penguins!” Twilight answered.
“And then the Penguin exploded exotically.” Rainbow added.
“They do that a lot.”
“Aww man! How come every time I find something cool it explodes?” Pinkie mumbled.
Suddenly the giant clock outside Ponyville chimed, signaling it was now half past noon.
“OH MY GOSH, I have to hurry up and buy my stuff so I can be ready to leave on the Hogwarts Express tomorrow!!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“Hey can we tag along with you tomorrow so we can watch you pathetically running against a platform over and over again?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Yea, I could use a good laugh now a days with all this Princess Shiz I have to deal with.” Twilight agreed.
“Well you can come along, but I plan on running though the barrier silly, not into it.” Pinkie reminded her. “Now let’s see, I’m going to need a want, a copy of the book of spells grade one, a potions flask, brass scales, too bad about the Exotic Exploding Penguins…”
“If it helps I can ask Fluttershy to lend you Business Fish?” Rainbow suggested.
“Yea, I hear he’s quite popular among Hogwarts students now!” Twilight added.
“Ok, that sounds totally rad Dashie!!”
Meanwhile somewhere in Canterlot. Princess Celestia Farted.
