Doomguy Equestria
The Doom Comic, but Weirder
And Not a Comic Book
And with Ponies
Doom, the 1993 cult classic video game that still today is enjoyed by the gaming community. It has spawned sequels, novels, a movie, toys, and of course, a comic book. But Don’t let me tell you about that, instead, for a bit of necessary background on what has become known simply as “the Doom Comic”, here’s a lengthy excerpt from the Doomworld Introduction to the comic written by DW Forum poster Cyb.
“Some time in 1996 a couple of guys got together and smoked what was apparently a large amount of crack and then injected pure heroin into their eyes and then proceeded to create what is now known only as 'the Doom comic'.
Say those three words (in that order) to any Doomer and they'll probably respond with one of the many taglines made famous by the comic. Throughout its sixteen pages of madness the main character (the Doomguy) utters many inane phrases while killing various hellspawn without so much as a second thought. Why he feels the need to talk to himself the entire time we'll never know, but I'm guessing he was smoking what the authors of the book were.
The great minds behind the comic include names like Michael 'Splatter' Stewart, Steve 'Body Bag' Behling, Tom 'Gallows' Grindberg and Edd 'Dead' Fear. The comic actually has two authors, which makes it all the more puzzling because I can't for the life of me comprehend how this work could possibly require two minds. Still, I supposed when you're working on something this awful you probably want to take a breather every few seconds to keep your brain from exploding.
Anyways, the basic plot (if you want to call it that) of the comic is a lone space marine on his quest for a gun. Oh, but not just any gun, thegun. The BFG, of course. Throughout his quest he happens upon smaller guns, which he uses to maim a variety of monsters including imps, specters, 'big-mouthed floating thingies', zombies and a variety of other generic monsters which could be anything really.
It should be noted, of course, that he goes through all this to get rid of a cyberdemon who has committed the heinous crime of standing there and letting the marine punch him in his 'huge guts'. Folks, you just can't make stuff like this up.
One of my most favorite parts in the comic is when the marine inadvertently falls into some radioactive sludge and suddenly, in the middle of a massive killing spree, starts to preach about how humans are ruining the environment and how we'll be leaving a destroyed planet to our children and our children's children. The whole panel is such a random segment from the rest of the comic, which provides wholesome family fun (in the form of killing shit) and then goes off on a tangential environmental crusade, albeit a pretty half-assed one.”
So without further blather, this crossover thingy I wrote ~
HOOF DEEP IN THE DEAD
It was supposed to be a happy day, even joyous. A wedding, grand and elegant, hundreds of guests, harmony and love. The perfect day indeed, with cake, bridesmaids, a dance and banquet-- Now all completely ruined and destroyed. The grand Canterlot castle, home of the annual Grand Galloping Gala and this wedding event was in partial ruins. The Grand Hall where the ceremony was taking place was in chaos. Tables were overturned, taperies in ruins, windows shattered; it was dreadful.
The event was the much anticipated wedding between Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and the Captain Shining Armor. Cadenza, or Cadence as she preferred to be called was the niece of Princess Celestia herself, ruler of Equestria, and Shining Armor was the Captain of the Royal Guard. But now, Cadence was glued to the floor with an icky green excrement created by a race of pony-insect hybrid creatures called Changelings, and Armor was under the spell of their Queen, Chrysalis. Princess Celestia fared no better. She had tried to defend her subjects from the plotting Queen, but Chrysalis, as a changeling, was able to suck the absolute love out of Armor (As he thought Chrysalis was his Cadence) and thus made herself even more powerful than Celestia, who was already one of the most powerful beings in existence. But not only did Celestia fail, but her backup plan as well. She had sent her most faithful student, the purple unicorn Twilight Sparkle and her friends to find and harness the power of The Elements of Harmony, which have already been used to lay waste to other evils including the revenge hungry Nightmare Moon and the chaotic rampaging Discord. But the Queen’s army was too great for them. The changelings were far too plentiful.
“You won’t get away with this!” Princess Cadence shouted at the Queen from her position at the wedding altar. She couldn’t move her feet, the green goo produced by the insectoid changelings kept her in place. “Twilight and her friends will find the Elements of Harmony and--” she stopped dead in her words as the great doors to the hall swung open, and the defeated unicorn and her friends were shuffled in.
“Hm, you were saying?” Chrysalis mused. He voice cooed gracefully, and echoed lightly at the same time within her throat, giving her voice a strange allure, and a dreadfully commanding presence. She threw her head back and laughed a sound that seemed to be more of a cackle mixed with a snarl. Twilight stopped at the bottom stair step that lead up to the altar.
“I’m so sorry Cadence,” she half-whispered in a choked voice. Twilight couldn’t believe it, they lost. They couldn’t reach the Elements, and now Canterlot was doomed. If any neighboring cities came to Canterlot’s aide, either they’d be defeated too, or if they were strong enough, it probably wouldn’t matter, for Chrysalis would most surely be gone by then, and by then the love in Canterlot would be gone, and the city both emotionally and physically destroyed. And who knows? Maybe the Queen wouldn’t leave. Did she want all of Equestria? Twilight felt tears jerking at her eyes. It was all over!
“Now my minions!” Chrysalis shouted at the top of her lungs, her fly-like wings lifting her up into the air. “The time has come my minions to feast! So go my minions, GO AND FEA--”
“KNOCK KNOCK WHO’S THERE?”
Chrysalis stopped in her tracks, and she and her minions, and everyone in the hall turned their attention to the grand doors, where a booming voice had just blasted from. Even Shining Armor, under the Queen’s spell, turned his head and gazed at the door with his stoic, green tinted eyes.
“Who in tha’ tarnation was that?” the orange earth pony named Applejack asked. She was one of Twilight’s friends, and when it came to the Elements of Harmony, she represented the element of Honesty. “He asked ‘Who’s There’... Maybe one of us should try respondin’ or somethin’.”
Chrysalis dropped from the air and perched herself at the top of the stairs leading to the altar, pushing Armor to the side. “IT IS I!” Chrysalis responded in a voice that Celestia, wrapped upside down in a green cocoon hanging from the ceiling, thought sounded very much like the ancient Canterlot Voice, from over a thousand years ago. “I, QUEEN OF THE CHANGELINGS!” She waited for a response, and was about continue when the door suddenly disintegrated (KRAAAAK!) into sawdust, along with some chunks of the door flying in different directions, one chunk bearing into the timid yellow pegasus pony Fluttershy, the Element of Kindness, who was killed outright from the blast to her head delivered by the fragment. No one though noticed as:
“IT’S ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!”
They were all far too busy staring at the thing in the doorway, something they’ve never seen before! It was tall with pink skin and a brown patch of hair on what they presumed to be its head. He looked very much like a large upright monkey or gorilla, perhaps more of a gorilla with those muscles that bulged from his arms and legs. He was clothed in a tight green shirt that pressed against and revealed his body muscles, abs, pectoral muscles, all of them. Two big green plates with red circles on them adorned his shoulders, and he wore tight gray pants and brown boots on his feet. But his appearance was quickly forgotten as the first changeling moved in and--
“DYNAMITE!”
The primate thing had the changeling in the air, but not only that, he had thrust his whole arm through the poor beast! The changeling looked helplessly around as the man removed his arm from the crippled stomach, tearing out the changeling’s spine in the process. Green blood splattered onto the floor in large drops along with bit of the changelings intestinal tract. The lifeless body thumped to the ground, the primate heaving up the spine in the process, gripping it tightly in his fingers to the point everyone in the room could hear the bones cracking under the creature’s strength. The thing loomed over the dead changeling and resumed his ear shattering shouting.
“WHO’S A MAN AND A HALF? I’M A MAN AND A HALF! BERSERKER PACKIN’ MAN AND A HALF! THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU THAT I CAN’T FIX...
WITH MY HANDS!”
“Sweet Celestia!” shrieked the white unicorn Rarity, the element of Generosity. “What, who is that terrible monster?” Rarity appeared as if she planned on fainting. The slaughtered changeling was enough to make anypony gag here. Spike, Twilight’s personnel dragon assistant, already stood hunched over a puddle of throw-up. From her cocoon Celestia could only look on in horror as yet another bit of vile chaos burst into what was supposed to be such a glorious day.
“Oh my gosh, Fluttershy!” Rainbow Dash, another friend of Twilight’s and the Element of Loyalty, hovered with her wings over Fluttershy’s still corpse. “He killed Fluttershy! He kill--” Rainbow Dash felt tears tearing at her eyes. “That, that... MONSTER!” She flew to the top of the ballroom in a blinding fury of speed. “YOU! YOU’RE GONNA PAY MISTER! YOU’RE GONNA PAY!” Tears streamed freely from her eyes and rained down on those below. She was preparing to charge.
“Wait, Rainbow Dash, don’t!” Twilight called. She could see the intensity of the thing, the thing that called itself a ‘man’, or rather, a ‘man and a half’. Rainbow Dash was strong, tough, and never one to back down, or give up or lose without a fight. But this was something she couldn’t go up against.
But meanwhile, the ‘man and a half’ didn’t seem to hear, notice, or care about the pegasus’ death threat. He was still too busy taunting the defeated changeling.
“I’M COOKING WITH GAS! I’VE GOT A HANDFUL OF VERTEBRAE AND A HEADFUL OF MAD! YAH. THAT’S YOUR SPINAL CORD. BABY! DIG IT! WHO’S THE MAN? I’M THE MAN! I’M A BAD MAN! HOW BAD? REAL BAD! I’M A 12.0 ON THE 10.0 SCALE OF BADNESS! DON’T NEED A GUN...
GUNS ARE FOR WUSSES!”
“That’s it!” Chrysalis shouted. “Enough of this madness! Changelings--” As she spoke her command she noticed the man turn his head towards her, and their eyes locked for a moment, just a short second, and she stopped in her words.
“YOU!”
Chrysalis stepped back once, and quickly realized that wasn’t the right move. He was suddenly upon her.
“CYBERDEMON.”
He ran up to her stopped half way, reevaluated his label, then said:
“CHANGELING QUEEN. BIG DEAL. SHE’S SUM PICKENS. RIP AND TEAR RIP AND...
...TEAR AND RIP AND TEAR...
RIP AND TEAR YOUR GUTS!”
The man thrust his arms out in front of him, his fists clenched. His eyes went wide in a frenzied fashion.
“YOU ARE HUGE! THAT MEANS YOU HAVE HUGE GUTS! RIP AND TEAR!”
Rainbow Dash had already begun a rapid descent right as the man and a half spewed this out of his foaming mouth. It stopped her hard in her flight, and she looked down at him, now slightly afraid of him, terrified even.
“W-What?” Chrysalis stared at the man, dumbfounded. This creature had to be something that escaped from Tartarus. But how? Tartarus is guarded by Cerberus! A giant three headed dog! This thing couldn’t of snuck by it (And then the idea occurred to the Queen, Did he kill Cerberus?). Surely that wasn’t possible, Cerberus was huge, and extremely ill-tempered when it came to the creatures it guarded. It was immensely strong, it could even defeat a wild Ursa Major, a creature already five times as big as Cerberus.
The man started to make a move towards Chrysalis, his legs were in motion, and he had brought his right arm back behind him, winding up a for another punch, this one intended to deliver right into the Queen’s chest. She was too stricken by the man’s savagery to move. She couldn’t help it...
“OOH HERE IT COMES! HERE COMES THE NIGHT TRAIN!”
He started to swing his arm, his fist blasting through the air like a cannon ball.
“CHOO CHA CHA’ BOOGIE! CHOO CHOO CHA...”
BONK.
Chrysalis let up a surprised grunt as the fist made contact, but rather than the feeling of herself exploding or having the man’s fingers grip her internal organs, she felt nothing other than a simple punch to her chest. She gasped a bit, but in truth it didn’t even really knock the wind out of her. She looked down and noticed the confused expression on the man’s own face. He was still mumbling a bit.
“CHOO CH... CHOO Cha... Oh my.”
He stepped back, gripping his punching arm. His fingers, covered in the green blood of the first changeling, moved slowly, stiffly. He grunted a bit of pain as he tried to get full functionality back to his fingers. He looked up sheepishly at the Queen, who now realized that this ‘man and a half’ wasn’t all that powerful.
“Berserker Pack--Gone. Feelings of invincibility--over.”
He looked back up at the Queen. Tried to say something, couldn’t. He looked back at the door he had smashed open. It was a clear path back. But I’m no quitter.
“Change of plans. I do need a gun.”
He got up and stumbled back from the row of startled expressions, minus the Queen, who now had a thin smile spread across her face, her slimy blue-green hair hanging over one of her eyes. Her complexion still had a seductive quality to it.
“I need a big gun. I need a REALLY big gun.”
The man, perhaps no longer a man and a half without his super strength, stood and ran back out the door, apparently now in search of a weapon. The Queen threw back her head and laughed maniacally.
“Go my children!” she commanded. “Get him! Show him what exactly he had just DARED to mess with, as it were.” She laughed again as her Changelings slowly, a bit grudgingly, got to their wings and took off, all of them minus one in blue armor. He didn't want to go after that, though he didn’t want his Queen to know he was a coward to something like that either. Besides he knew deep in his gut that those who had just taken after them, well, they were all going to die.
Also, as everyone tried to recuperate, especially over the death of Fluttershy, no one noticed that Rainbow Dash was nowhere to be seen, also having taken off, but not after the man, no not yet. She needed something first.
Rainbow Dash found the man and a half again as he was rounding a corner in one of the palace hallways, and right as three changelings ambushed him. They weren’t pulling any tricks here, not disguising themselves as anyone, they were simply using their horns to fire magical bolts of energy. Dash wasn’t sure if they just meant to capture him or kill him, but she knew what she was going to do to him. She shifted the weight of the chainsaw in her arms to have a better grasp on it, and flew down towards the man and a half.
“GAHH! CHANGELINGS WITH GU...”
He noticed they were firing beams at him out of their horns. They weren’t guns, but he needed guns.
“I need guns!”
He kept running past the hail of fire, when he noticed the blue pony above him. He didn’t take much note of it at all, but he did see the chainsaw it was carrying.
“AHHH! CHAINSAW! THE GREAT COMMUNICATOR!”
Dash started to head low, revving the gas-powered killer (BRUMMMMMMMMM!!!) as she swooped in for the kill. The man and a half saw her coming down, and taking advantage of the changeling’s surprise at the chainsaw-waving pony, reached out as Dash flew over, grabbing the chainsaw as she swung it over his head high. She tried to hold on, but fingers usually won over hooves in a tug-o-war like this. The force he tugged with, and the force she tugged with, along with him winning the tug, threw her over the heads of the changelings and crashing out of a window at which point she landed in a bush.
“Gah! Are you kidding me?” She picked herself up from the bush and spat leaves out of mouth and shook more out of the feathers on her wings.
Up above, the changelings still trying to pin the man with their fire as he suicidally ran at them with his newly acquired ‘communicator’.
“C’mere boys. I got somethin’ to say!”
The changelings, somewhat startled by his direct remark towards them, held their fire for a moment. He started to charge them again (BRUMMMM!!!).
“Allow me to communicate to you my desire to have your guns!”
They weren’t sure what to make of that statement, they weren’t armed with guns. Their single tracked minds couldn’t think this through. In fact, the man wasn’t sure why he had said it either, he knew they didn’t have guns, but it didn’t matter. It was the thought that counted, and that’s what the changelings needed to learn. He swung the chainsaw.
BRUMMMZZZZZZZZRT!
The chainsaw cut through the changelings in a single smooth line, the force of the swing bringing it through to the end. It cut neatly (And by that it is meant quite messily) through the necks of the first two, and as for the third changeling, the saw made contact on his cheek and severed the top of his head from his lower jaw. Green blood splattered across the floors and walls, and of course, all over the proclaimed man and a half. The bodies and heads dropped, spewing more of the green bile. The tongue on the third changeling lolled around a bit, apparently searching for the roof of the mouth, before sinking into the dead creature’s throat.
The chainsaw smoked and skittered, the blood thick as caulk and jamming the spinning chain. Finally it gave one final cough before dying completely, filled with green gooey blood. The man discarded it and checked the corpses for any other weapons. He was surprised to find a double-barreled shotgun laying on top of the mess. Got a gun. Need a bigger gun. Movin’ right along. The man’s thoughts were only that of firearms. He kept moving, found another door. This door seemed to sense his presence and opened automatically (SHOOOOF) at his presence. He walked in and the door shut behind him again (SHOOOOF).
“Dark.”
The room was dark, silent. In fact, it was pitch black and pitch noiseless. The man hefted his shotgun in his arm, and jingled the extra shells he already had stored in his utility belt. He thought for a moment, then with a grimace he shouted into the darkness:
“MIGHT MAKES LIGHT!”
He fired the shotgun into the darkness.
BLAMM!
He took two shells from his belt and reloaded the shotgun.
CHUCK-KLIK!
Lather, rinse, repeat.
“And I feel MIGHTY!”
BLAMM!
CHUCK-KLIK!
BLAMM!
CHUCK-KLIK!
BLAMM!
CHUCK-KLIK!
BLAMM!
CHUCK-KLIK!
CLICK
The man stood in the newly found electric lighting, the switch to the lights just an inch from his left trigger finger, looking over his handiwork. The room had been filled with living changelings. Now it was filled with the lead filled corpses of dead changelings, green bloods and coils of torn and broken intestines splattered everywhere. The man stood over the carnage, shotgun in hand, a devilish grin on his face.
“Groovy.”
He lifted the shotgun so the smoking barrel was level with his grizzled face.
“At this particular moment I don’t believe I have a healthier or more deeply-felt respect for any object in the universe than this here shotgun...”
Something caught the man’s eye, something hiding under the carnage. He could only see the butt of another weapon half hidden by a maimed changeling.
“Hey. Chaingun! The HELL with respect!”
He kicked the gun (CHUNK!) and was pleased to hear the thunking sound of heavy metal. The chaingun’s barrel was partly in the torn stomach of the changeling, and the man gripped the back of it and began to heave it out.
“Gimme. C’mon, gimme.”
SHLORP
The gun came free, green blood squirting from the dead creature as it came free. The man, the marine, the soldier, whatever he was, hefted the weapon in his hands, testing its weight. He had a pretty good idea what it weighed.
“Hoy, Hoy. I’m the boy...
...Packin’ 80 Pounds of Heavenly Joy!”
He didn’t notice the presence sneaking up behind him. The shadowy hissing creature. He was too involved with a new gun to give respect to.
HHhsSsssSsSSss...
“Now this is good! Big Gun! Not the big gun, but...”
Now he could tell something was behind him, but he was only able to move a fraction. Too late.
FWOOOOSH!
The changeling’s fiery bolt of magic only managed to graze past the man’s shoulder, but it was still painful.
ARRRRGH! “Turned my back! That was stupid!”
The marine grabbed his injured shoulder for a moment before facing his attacker. The changeling was hugging the ground, his face showed he was ready for a fight. He didn’t right away notice the chaingun in the man’s arms.
“Stupid! Stupid! Stupid Changeling!”
The changeling inched forward still not seeing the gun. The marine let go of his shoulder and turned full around, swinging the gun out in front of him, eyes wide and crazed staring at the changeling. The changeling’s face quickly turned fearful as he realized he was about die.
“Dance! DANCE, BONEDADDY!”
BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA
The first wave of bullets caught the changeling in his midsection as he tried to fly away. The bullets cut through his skin like paper, and right away the green started to spray. The force of the bullets also started to knock his intestines out, the slimy tubes flapping wildly out of the sides of the torn abdomen.
BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA
The changeling doubled over and fell head-first into the steady stream, his shoulders becoming a pulpy green mess and his head splitting in two as the bullets tore through without pause. The changeling never had time to scream before the bullets came right down his jugular, tearing apart his throat and vocal chords.
BUDDA BUDDA
The marine let go of the trigger, and before him was hardly anything the left. The gun had more or less torn apart the entire changeling, leaving nothing but the shredded remains of a such a creature, along with some bones, flesh, and organs that survived the carnage, now all sitting in a pool of green blood.
He ran out of the room, pumped up on his last few kills, now hunting for more.
“OH YEAH! YEAH!”
He burst into the next room, green blood dripping off the end of the chaingun and onto the marine’s equally green pants.
“Dig the prowess, the capacity for violence! I’m the man! I’m Superbad!
CHANGELINGS? YOU THINK YOU CAN GET ME?!?”
Wait, maybe they don’t think.
“Well. I do! And I think you’re dead!”
Four changelings stood between the man and the next hallway in the great Canterlot castle.
Elsewhere, Rainbow Dash was finding her way back into the castle. She thought about her friends, probably still being held hostage by the changeling Queen. She wanted to check in on them, help them form outside if she could. She was sure she was the only one who got out of there. She was the Element of Loyalty. She would help her friends... After I help Fluttershy. She heard the firing of the man and a half’s weapon from somewhere inside the castle. She wasn’t going to stop until she had him down for the count. If they could find a way to release Shining Armor from the Queen’s spell, surely he could disperse the rest of these changelings.
Though back in the main wedding hall, Shining Armor wasn’t any better now than he was before the madman’s interruption. He was still standing at the altar, eyes tinged green and staring off into space. His mind wasn’t really processing anything at all. Standing on the opposite side of the altar, glued to the ground by changeling mucus, his bride-to-be Cadence could only look at him helplessly as Chrysalis argued with the armored changeling who stayed behind. Looking into his blank face, she could tell he didn’t have a single thought, not one. Not of his predicament, not of Chrysalis or the madman or the changelings. Not of me! She tried to fight back tears, but at the same time she wanted to let them go, run freely down her cheeks. But no, she needed to remain strong, she didn’t want to break in front of Chrysalis or Twilight and her friends, and especially not in front of Celestia. She looked over to Twilight, saw they themselves were mourning for their yellow pegasus friend. Cadence didn’t know her name.
Twilight looked up, saw Cadence looking over at them. Twilight had dark spots of fur under her eyes. Her eyes were watering, but she too looked to be trying to hold them back, even though her friends cried freely. She wanted to remain strong. They could mourn together when it was over, after Chrysalis was defeated, and this man and a half too. Though, did he really kill the pegasus? He destroyed the door, she just happened to be in the way of the debris. Otherwise this man had helped them. The only changelings left in the room were the Queen and what appeared to be her captain. They were still caught up in a heated argument. No one was really paying attention to them though.
Twilight slipped away from the others and snuck up past the changelings to Cadence.
“Oh, Twilight,” Cadence whispered. Her voice was sullen, sad, sorrowful. “What happened here? How did this all happen?” She sniffed a bit, tried to hold back tears, though one managed to escape her eye and crawl down her pink cheek, the moisture darkening the fur slightly.
“Cadence,” Twilight said, looking up into her old foal-sitter’s eyes. She lowered her head, aiming her horn at the goo on Cadence’s hooves, the goo that held her too the floor. Twilight’s horn glowed a bright white color briefly before turning purple and casting a beam of magic energy at the mucus cuffs, disintegrating them completely. Cadence, surprised, tested her hooves, checking to see if she really was free. “Go to him,” Twilight said, gesturing with her head towards the stoic Shining Armor.
“Thank you Twilight,” Cadence said, smiling. Her eyes were still watery, but they looked stronger at the same time. Cadence, stepped over to Shining Armor, reached out and pulled his head to face her. His eyes were blank and stared past her into time and space without a care in the world.
“HUH? WHUZZAT? WHUZZAT!”
Lord Almighty I feel my Temperature Risin’!
“WOO BABY. I’M BURNIN’ OUT OF CONTROL!”
BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA
The man and a half was still wasting changelings, also without a care in the world. The chaingun rattled off shot after shot, tearing changeling after changeling into pulverized green meat, their insect like shell-skin shattering and fragments of it flying everywhere trailed by gobs of green goo. In fact, he was having so much fun shooting the little monsters in front of him he wasn’t paying very much attention the single monster coming from behind him, a changeling that was a little burlier than the rest and a bit bigger. Just a bit meaner too. Just a bit... Just a bit.
RAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGG!
“OOF!”
The changeling erupted from behind the man, catching him in the stomach as he turned around at the monster’s roar. The mega-changeling slammed into high-wing gear and took off straight and low to the ground, putting the man in front, taking the g-forces head (Or rather back) on. The man amazingly didn’t lose the grip of his gun, and as they crashed through another door, now heading into a room that’s hardly visited, the man was able to fight the g-forces, pin his gun under the changeling’s belly, and fire away. The bullets tore through the changeling’s body and ripped apart his wings, and both were now arching towards the ground.
RAAAARRRRRGG!
The room served as a waste room, tunnels underneath the city of unicorns fed magical waste to a plant under the castle. This room served as an entrance to the plant, though to get through it one would have to trudge through toxic radioactive magical waste in a specially designed suit.
Though landing in the waste without a suit wasn’t exactly fatal, and the side effects weren’t terrible. But still, it could burn a bit, as they would both find out as they plummeted into an open vat, a hole filled with the gunk, the hole that led to the rest of the plant. The marine kept up his fire as they fell.
BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA
“BAD! BAD MONSTER!”
The bullets continued to tear until the changeling’s upper half had been severed at the waist, a bit of spine and flesh now hanging from the torso as they--
SPLASH
They hit the vat of slime and separated from each other.
GAAH! RADIOACTIVE WASTE! Burns! STINKS!
BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA
“Get off SCUM!”
The man fired into the creature again, the bullets throwing the changeling into the waste where it sank and disappeared. As soon as it was down the marine rached for a ladder leading back up and scrambled back up, chaingun still in hand, being careful not to drop it back into the sludge. The waste burned the skin, and the fumes burned the eyes and nose.
“Who do you suppose left all that radioactive waist down there? And why? WHY?”
He got topside and stood up abruptly, trying to brush as much of the gunk off him as he could. He grunted in displeasure. He didn’t like this stuff, there was enough of it at home. Garbage, and just laying down there, and he got a glimpse of the rest of the cavern down there. Sprawling vat of the stuff.
“Now I’m radioactive! That can’t be good!”
He wanted to complain, but to whom? Himself? Better than no one at all.
“Why can’t we find a way to safely dispose of radioactive magical waste and protect the environment? Even if I personally stop this changeling invasion, what kind of planet will we be leaving to our children? And our children’s children? And...
...Oh, the Humanity!”
The man turned his gun over, and noticed a small flashing computer screen that read EMPTY. He didn’t realize this gun had an ammo counter, but it seemed it did, and it was saying that he had an empty gun.
The Humanity! My Big Gun is out of bullets! I can’t believe it!
“Better believe it, soldier!”
He threw the gun off to the side, the weapon made a clattering sound as it scraped across the floor.
“No guns here. I’m gone.”
He walked along out of the room, and continued unarmed now through the castle halls. More changelings were to be expected, unless the ones in pursuit earlier were now all dead, which was very possible.
Rainbow Dash didn’t know what it was, or where it came from, but here it was. It was just sitting there in a hallway. In fact, it was in a hallway she thought she went through, one she thought was empty. But then she found this... This gun. Her hooves couldn’t get to the trigger, but surely that maniac would be looking for another gun, and maybe she could create the perfect trap for him. The sounds of his chaingun had since faded away, and either he was out of bullets or dead. She highly doubted he had died.
Dash eventually found the lobby for the castle, the large entrance doors shut and locked tightly to hopefully prevent more changelings from getting in, though it must’ve been locked after all the guests had fled, since Dash hadn’t seen anyone from the wedding still running around. But she wasn’t interested in the door or the guests, she was interested in the grand staircase that led up to... Well, she didn’t know where it led up to. But it hardly mattered. Surely the man would make his way in here, see the gun, go for it, and Dash would attack him from behind. She was strong enough to handle him with her bare-hooves alone, wasn’t she? Of course I am! I’m Rainbow Dash, the toughest Pegasus in all of Equestria! She set the gun on the top of the stairs and flew up the chandelier that hung over it all. And there, she waited.
She didn’t need to wait long.
“All reet then!”
The marine came bursting out of a conjoining hall and into the lobby of the castle. First thing that caught his eye: a shiny brand spanking new Plasma Rifle sitting atop the stairs.
“I’m all about that Plasma Rifle! And Baby, it’s all about me!”
Rainbow Dash was becoming rather skilled at one thing: Sonic Rainbooms. Originally an old wives tail, but it was how she got her cutiemark back at Summer Flight School. Now she could perform them pretty well without having to go through any fancy acrobatics first, and it was quite useful. The power of one was even enough to destroy a building, without causing much physical harm to herself! But right now, it was time to cause some serious physical harm to that crazy green suited primate guy, in the form of a Sonic Rainboom. Rainbow Dash revved up and dived.
“I’M COMING!” Dash shouted as loud as she could as she came darting right for the man and a half. He looked up, surprised, but not really daunted.
“SWEET CHRISTMAS! A SMALL-LOUDMOUTHED FLOATY THING!
IT’S ALWAYS SOMETHING!”
The man bounded up the stairs towards the rifle, not looking back not even once at the blue pegasus speeding towards him.
Already Dash’s rainboom was initiating. Time to spread you around the castle! Dash cackled as she closed in for the kill. But the man was surprisingly fast, very fast in fact. As Dash came down on him, the man was already reaching the rifle. Her Rainboom was just about to ignite as the man grabbed the gun, turned, and fired away.
BOOM! BOOM!
“OOOOH. I like it! The sugar-sweet kiss of heavy ordinance!”
Yellow flames had erupted from the gun’s barrel and had flung out at the blue Pegasus as she came barreling in. The gun disintegrated her almost instantly. Charred feathers, bits and pieces of charred flesh, and the smell of cooked pony were all that were left of the Element of Loyalty.
“Ah-Hah. I’m cookin’ with Plasma! Now we’re in the big leagues!”
The marine moved on past the lobby, continuing his trek through the castle. Surely there was an even bigger gun around, yes? He for one sure thought so. There had to be. So the marine kept looking, until he eventually wound up in a completely different part of the castle, one with barren grey walls and the stench of toxic magical waste, again.
“Wow! Now I’m in a completely different place!”
He looked around, seeing a number of barrels, maybe twenty or so, all sitting clumped together, all most likely filled with magical sludge. Stickers on all them labeled them as toxic and flammable. A door was on the other side of the room.
“More stupid radioactive waste! And with my luck, some creature’s probably...”
WHAM!
He never saw it coming, and he hardly saw what it was. Could changelings cloak themselves. He knew (Somehow) that they could morph into almost anything, but if they could cloak to become invisible, well, there was only one good solution.
“A spectre-changeling! Invisible sonuva...”
The man opened fire again, laying waste to the barrels of flammable, toxic sludge. The whole room erupted into a cloud of orange flames, and the man ran right through to the other door. Behind him the explosions lifted the spectre into the air, tearing him apart in the process, spraying green goo over the whole room, most of which was then burned away and blackened by the fires.
“Stinkin’ spectre! Gonna get what you deserve! I’ve blown up everything in here! Blew up that spectre real good!”
He ran from the room, flames crisping everything behind him. He kept going till he found another door in which to enter. He wasn’t sure where it led, but with the symbol of a spear and helmet above the door, maybe it was the barracks or armory for the castle guard. He opened the door slowly, tiredly. He’d been killing a lot lately.
“I have really had just about all I can t-take... Hail to the chief!”
Princess Cadence wrapped one of her front legs around Shining Armor’s neck, drawing him close, hugging him as tight as she could. She sniffled a bit, teared up and let loose a few tears. Chrysalis had noticed Cadence’s freedom now, but it didn’t bother her much. Chrysalis pushed her captain away and approached the royal couple at the altar.
“Hmm, heh heh,” she chortled, her voice rising up and down in a seductive manner. “Please Princess, there is nothing you can do to help him! Your city, your whole country, will be mine. Long have we been looking for a place such as this to conquer. A place such as this in which we can feed on your love and happiness forever! Ah-hah-hah-hah!” Chrysalis strutted over to an open window that overlooked one of the city streets. Quietly she began to hum, sing a bit, laugh to herself as she watched the chaos below her.
“My love will save him!” Cadence pronounced as strong as she could. She tried to draw Armor closer to her body.
“Ha! What a foolish and most ridiculous sentiment!” Chrysalis didn’t even look back at them. Love was a powerful magic, she knew that first hand, and she had all the love, all of Shining Armor’s love for Cadence. They couldn’t get it back. And even if she found a way to break the spell on Armor, and if he set his heart on the right mare, he’d only be rebuilding lost love, not taking it back from Chrysalis.
Cadence ignored the Queen’s taunt. Her love could save him, her Love Spell could bring him back. She wrapped around him for a full hug and charged her horn. It glowed a pink blue color, and shortly thereafter a small purple heart was formed, pulsing and magical. It floated over to Armor’s face, and there it landed, and melted into his fur. In a sudden moment, his eyes flashed, and no longer were they green and lifeless, but back to blue and full of thought and emotion.
“Armor!” Twilight yelped out of joy, forgetting that Chrysalis was only a few yards away. She could put Armor back into a spell before they could do anything. Shining Armor looked around, inspecting his surroundings in a daze.
“W...Where am I?” He found Cadence locked around him in a hug. “Is the wedding over?”
Cadence released from her hug and she and Twilight looked as if they were going to burst out at the same time, when Chrysalis suddenly dropped down in front of the altar, a sadistic smile spread across her face.
“It’s ALL over!” She tossed her head back and laughed.
“You want a piece of me? C’mon. C’mon. Come at me with it! Oh, yeah! Do you get it now? Papa’s got a brand new bag!”
The marine had found it. The gun. The big gun. The door had opened into the large spacious area of the guard barracks lobby. Only about ten guards were there, trying to hold off a swarm of changelings. They were cut off from their weapons, and had resorted to using magic. The guards that weren’t unicorns though were fighting hard with their hooves and head, but none of them were making good progress. The changelings had a few of them already glued to the floor. But the marine hadn’t noticed any of this. Sitting on a gunmetal grey pedestal that hardly looked in touch with the rest of the room’s colors and features was the gun.
The marine had charged his rifle, and started fighting his way through, shooting everything in front of him regardless of who or what it was. The gun stopped incinerating, losing power, not just shooting explosive burst of plasma that shot off limbs and blew open stomachs. Red blood now flowed alongside green blood, none of it mixing though, just flowing or sitting next to each other, creating a kind of christmas on the ground in terms of colors. It wasn’t too long before everything in the room was dead, and the gun all his.
“Death surrounds me. Yet, in my head I hear something that sounds like Angels! Lo, I have found the Holy Grail of firepower! Mine eyes can but weep as they bear witness to the majesty...
the BFG 9000!”
He picked up the massive box shaped gun, and pulled back on the folding stock. He attached it to his shoulder and tested the mechanics on it. It all seemed to be working. Slinging it over his shoulder, he began his descent from the pedestal.
“As I stride Knee-Deep Through the Dead, all is clear. I know what must be done...
My cause is just... My will is strong...
...And my gun is very, very large!”
Shining Armor rubbed his temple in an attempt to null the sudden pain of another migraine. He was unable to recreate the spell that was used to protect Canterlot earlier before. His magic was useless though anyways, with the changelings inside the city now.
“Now what?” Cadence asked.
“Maybe you can still use your...” Twilight never got to finish her suggestion.
“LET LOOSE YOUR VOLLEY OF DEATH CHANGELING QUEEN!”
All heads turned sharply towards the doorway that lacked a door. The crazy psychotic ape thing had returned, and had something very large in his hands. A very large gun it seemed.
ZZZZSWWWWWWOOOOSH!
The sound it made to charge up was deafening. Chrysalis was locked on the weapon, unable to take her eyes off of it. She had never faced such fear as this before! Her captain ran for cover behind the altar.
“Your highness! Take cover!” he called. But she was frozen with fear, fear like none other!
“YOU STRUGGLE IN VAIN!”
The gun let go its volley, a rush of air that managed to tear apart the Queen’s legs, sending her limbless body flying back. Several darts, bullets, or something ripped through her skin. But she didn’t die. She layed back in a large pool of her own green blood, breathing hard. Twilight, Cadence, Armor, and the captain moved away from the altar, getting far from the mangled Queen. But before anything else could be said or done about it, the man was gone, and they were all there in the ballroom together.
“Heh, *cough*, see? I am not defeated, heh!” Chrysalis tried to prop herself up, but she was tremendously weak. Most of her fluids had been drained. “I am still alive! Captain, come here!” The Captain stared at his Queen in disgust. Her mangled body. He liked this. He didn’t love his Queen. She was evil, brutal. True, they needed to feed, and love was all they could feed on. But couldn’t they feed on true love, that had always been directed at them in the first place? Why did they need to steal it? “Captain!” she called, frustrated. She was about to call again when she coughed, sputtered, and her skin began to crack, and her blood started to bubble out. The effects of the gun taking place. Twilight started up a protection spell of her own.
“Righteousness-and superior firepower-has triumphed! The filthy Queen is no more!
Victory is mine! Yet--”
As the marine walked away from the castle, the ballroom erupted into fire and smoke. He turned around and watched the outside section of the castle go with it, smoke billowing from where the ballroom/wedding hall was. He smiled in triumph, knowing the Queen was now certainly dead. He started to speak again when a red pad with a pentagram inscribed on it appeared in front of him.
“Teleporter Pad.”
ZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTT!
Back in the remains of the ballroom, Twilight undid her spell. Her spell didn’t reach out very far, her protection orb only managed to save herself, Cadence, Armor, and the changeling Captain. Everyone else, including Celestia, had perished in that final explosion. Two leaders were dead there. Canterlot was mostly destroyed now, though the explosion seemed to put a halt in the chaos as everyone looked up at the billowing smoke.
“We have no leader now,” the Captain mused. He didn’t show any emotion. “Our King died long ago, but now we have no Queen either. We must rebuild ourselves. I do not want to continue the Queen’s plans.” He looked over at Twilight Sparkle, the Element of Magic, for help.
“Our Princess is dead,” she said. “We can rebuild together.”
Together, the survivors looked over what was left of Canterlot, all of them now standing themselves hoof-deep in the dead, looking out among the populace, now quietly planning the next move to rebuild. Those who had died will be mourned, but even Twilight knew that now was not the time. Things would repair, and two nations would peacefully unite. Everything would be okay in the end. A new era would begin, thanks to a crazy and psychotic man and a half.
Amen to That
