If I Could Knock the Stupid out of You...

by Lunatone

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Princess Luna, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 1198

Twilight tries to knock the stupid out of somepony.

If there's one thing Twilight hates the most, it's stupidity, even if it's from one of her friends. Suffice to say, Twilight attempts to knock some sense into Rainbow Dash.

Warning: Contains really dumb Rainbow Dash.

Props go to NorrisThePony for helping me out with this one, and for letting me use a small excerpt of Awful Lot of Coffee.

Published 2016-08-18 03:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-18 03:00:01 UTC

i - Why is the Earth Flat?

Rainbow Dash glanced down at her saddlebag, letting a monotonous sigh out as she looked over the bunch of rolled up maps poking out from the sack. With a look of profound determination, she lifted her hoof and knocked on the door.

“This is a public library, ya know. There’s no need to knock,” Twilight said from inside.

“Aha…hehe, right…” Rainbow pushed through the Golden Oak Library’s front door and made her way over toward Twilight’s desk, then placed her saddlebag on it.

“What's this about, Dash?” Twilight asked, placing a hoof to her chin, her curiosity at its peak. “Why did you bring a whole bunch of maps?”

“I, uh…” Rainbow scratched the back of her mane and looked off to one side. I shoulda prepared for this….

“You all right there, Rainbow Dash? You seem…off and you’re acting weird,” Twilight said.

“Yeah, yeah. I actually just wanted to ask you something.” Rainbow slid the bag out of her reach and grabbed the rolled-up scrolls with her teeth, setting them down. She was unrolling them on the desk, unfurling and ridding their creases. “What the heck is this?”

Twilight looked genuinely confused. “Uh…what exactly do you mean?”

Rainbow was aimlessly flailing her hooves around, while hovering lowly in the air. “Are you blind, woman?”

“Oh, don’t patronize me. What in Celestia’s green Earth are you talking about?”

Rainbow clapped. “Yes! Earth! Why the hell is the Earth flat?”

Twilight flinched, and it looked like she was going to have a heart attack or seizure, or even a stroke for hearing such a filthy, ridiculous question. “…What? Are you serious? Are you asking me why the Earth is flat?”

“No, I’m asking you why the Earth is triangular,” Rainbow said.

Twilight’s eyes started to twitch, and her face jerked. “The Earth is not flat, Rainbow. It’s round. A sphere. You know? Like a ball?”

“Pfft, no it’s not. Look, Twi”—Rainbow poked the maps—“Do they look round to you?”

Twilight grunted. “Oh, for Pete’s Sake!” Twilight had just about enough. “Those are called globes!”

“Then why aren’t all maps globes? And are you saying these maps are globes? That’s only making me look more right, Twi.”

Twilight blinked. “…What?”

“Why aren’t all maps globes?”

Twilight breathed deeply in her hooves. She sat down on the nearby stool and reevaluated the situation, before examining the maps Rainbow had brought. “Okay…let me get this straight…You’re asking me why the Earth is flat because you believe maps are dictating the geometry of the world?”

“Well, duh,” Rainbow said. “Even a yahoo could’ve figured that out.”

“Is that suppose to be a clever retort? From someone who’s asking me why the world is flat, that isn’t exactly clever. Plus, why is it when you fly really, really high and fast, you start to see a curve?”

“It’s…uh…because magic? And, hey, I got a question then. How is that everywhere we look outside, we only see flatness? There’s edges we can fall off ya, know. I don’t know if you can fall off a sphere or whatever it was you said earlier.”

Frustration and disbelief trickled through Twilight’s very veins, and her blood began to boil, thanks to the rippling effect of stupid she had caught when Rainbow spoke upon entering the place. “Because when an object has the gravity to pull itself into a sphere, it’s called hydrostatic equilibrium. That’s why the Earth is round, not flat!” Twilight found herself off her stool, and she was waving her hooves around to emphasize her point.

“Oh, c’mon Twi,” Rainbow said, stealing Twilight’s seat. “You’re overreacting because you know I’m right. Admit it. You hate being wrong. Just admit that the world is flat.”

Oh, Celestia, please tell me this is merely a silly prank. Or an act…I just can’t…Ugh.

“Whatcha thinking, Twi?”

“Okay, so let me get this straight,” Twilight said, taking a moment to catch her breath.

“I’m listening.” Rainbow had a cheeky smirk plastered on her face.

“Okay…so you’re perfectly fine with the moon, the sun, and the stars being round, but you’re not okay with Earth being round too?”

Rainbow brought a hoof to her chin and began thinking intuitively and carefully. “Hmm…never thought of that, actually. They’re flat too right?”

Twilight was on the verge of having a legitimate, mental breakdown. She was ready to be put in a straitjacket and put in a padded cell so she could knock all the stupidity out of her from her mind. Or better yet, she could do that to Rainbow Dash….

“Hey, Twilight, can you do something for me?”

“Oh, like what? Knock the stupid out of you? Sure thing.”

“What? No! That’s not what I was going to ask you at all. I wanted to ask you if you could take me to Celestia and Luna. I want to ask them something.”

Now what in the world could she ask…oh. Hehe.

“Sure thing, Rainbow Dash. Let’s go.”

⁂

The Canterlot Castle was experiencing business as usual. Celestia and Luna were sitting on their thrones, drinking coffee, and talking about fresh nonsense.

Luna, in particular, was peering with intense focus at the bagel she was buttering, but she gave a lazy roll of her eyes as she spoke; “…I’m just saying, their first album was much better than their second—”

“Luna! Don't even finish that!’ Celestia said. “Do you wish to start a civil war?”

“No, not all. I’m just—”

An uproarious eruption bust through the large doors, and Rainbow zoomed past the guards. Twilight stumbled in, but recovered to her hooves and flew toward her mentor. “Princess Celestia, I apologize about this ruckus.”

“Nonsense,” Celestia said. “You’re just in time for coffee.”

“And bagels too, if you can butter them correctly,” Luna said, savagely spreading an excessive amount of butter on her own bagel.

“Goodness, Luna, you’re going to give yourself a heart attack! Plus, you’re looking a bit chubby around the waist.”

“Tia! Not when we have guests.”

“My apology, Twilight and Rainbow Dash. How can I be of assistance?”

“Well, it’s a long story, but basically Rainbow Dash believes the Earth is flat and not round and she has come to ask you if the sun, the moon, and the stars are flat too.”

“Is this true, young one?” Luna asked Rainbow Dash.

“Yes,” Rainbow said. “I have proof that the Earth is flat! You know what maps are, right? What’s the deal with that? Maps show the Earth, yes?” Rainbow was flying around and making all sorts of motions with her hooves, just to further augment her point. “So that must mean the Earth is too! And that means the sun and moon and stars are flat too. But I have to ask. How do you make them look round?”

Celestia and Luna were sat there with their mouths agape. Luna had subconsciously dropped her hard spreaded buttered-bagel, and Celestia had dropped her coffee cup. “I’m sorry, Little Pony. Did you just ask us if the sun, the moon, and the stars are flat?” Celestia asked.

“That I did. So tell me, how is it you make them look round?”