Whoa (Technically a Complete Story, If You Can Call Anything Sweetie Derelle Does a Story)
Author's Note
Sweet Speed Theme Background Music for Story
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_bIxRO0aDA
Extra Story Details
Writing Time: Approx 1 hr 32 min
Draft Number: 1 Draft
Story Settings: Speeding Bus, Canterlot Downtown, Celestia's Bedroom, Jail, In that Order
Story Themes: I don't even
Notes: The first-ever "C" story, written 3rd in a day of story-writing. I knew a legend would come forth from such an achievement.
Story Background:
This story was inspired by one of the funniest crack fics I've ever read called
Jack Stone in Equestria byDark Chocolate
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/326759/jack-stone-in-equestria
Give that a read too! :D
Whoa (Technically a Complete Story, If You Can Call Anything Sweetie Derelle Does a Story)
“WHO THE HELL PUT THE MUPPET IN CHARGE OF THE BUS?”
“Bwa?” Sweetie Derelle uttered. It wasn’t really a word. She was too busy focusing on the road and not hitting pedestrians while driving at least 80 miles an hour through Canterlot’s busy downtown district.
Sweetie Derelle didn’t ask for this, but she wasn’t the one who put the bomb on the bus that would cause it to explode if it went below 60 miles an hour. She also never saw the movie Speed.
Carrot Top rushed over to the driver’s seat. “YOU’RE GOING TO KILL US!”
“Bwa?”
“YES!”
“BWAAA!” Sweetie Derelle screamed in tiny pony rage as the bus smashed through a banana stand, a hot dog stand, a magazine stand, a keg stand, Stephen King’s The Stand, and Standing Tall starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
“Why am I even on this bus?” Carrot Top yelled. “Does Canterlot even HAVE buses? How did this get there?”
She was thrown aside, then knocked out by a charming yet roughish gentlecolt named Donut Joe. He adjusted his tie and looked ahead intensely. “Sweetie Derelle, if we don’t get this busload of orphans to Princess Celestia before the start of the school recital, they’ll detonate the Princesses.”
Sweetie Derelle opened her mouth wide, which is saying something when your mouth is roughly trash-can lid in shape. Both she and Donut Joe looked back. Sure enough, the bus load was full of orphans. And they were sickly. And they were sad.
Donut turned back around and spoke in a deep stallion voice that caused three nearby mares and one stallion to explode in happiness when he spoke. “We need to feed them before they pass out. Quickly! Drive the bus into the back of that line of food trucks!”
Sweetie Derelle careened around the corner, causing the back of the bus to send fifteen mares and stallions flying into a restaurant before exploding in a blaze of glory. The waiter stood up, relieved he hadn’t been hit. Then he too exploded.
The bus slammed into the back of three food trucks. The impact sent Donut Joe through the front windshield as he rolled onto the roof of the truck, slammed into the back of the second one, fell through the windshield, punched out the drivers, kneed the cook in the face and then stood perfectly still as he focused himself and prepared to cook.
Those children need me, Donut Joe thought. And if there’s one thing I can do, it’s cook. He waved his arms around and focused his culinary ninjitsu, setting his hooves on fire. He punched them into boxes full of pineapples which grilled instantly. He kicked open the back door of the food truck and saw Sweetie Derelle driving.
“KEEP IT ABOVE 70!” he yelled.
Sweetie Derelle looked down at the speedometer and saw it was at 68. She hit the pedal to the gas as Donut Joe launched two pineapples at the orphans in the back of the bus. The fruit sailed into their faces, knocking them out, but satiating them.
Donut Joe kung-fu kicked a box of flaming pineapples at the orphans, who dodged the flavor explosion which sent three of them out the windows.
“Their sacrifice will not be made in vain,” Donut Joe said with solemn awareness.
At that moment, a busload of tourists from Mustangia rammed into the food truck from the side, sending the foot cart, and Donut Joe, into an outdoor shopping outlet. “REMEMBER MEEEEEE!” He shouted as he revealed a device hidden under his shirt. He pressed a button in mid-fall, sending out safety frosting in every direction, stopped his fall, and the busload of Mustangians, as they crumpled into a cuddle puddle inside the vehicle.
Sweetie Derelle saluted him as she noticed her speed was down to 65. She was losing momentum. She needed to regain it. And fast.
She heard the honk of a train whistle nearby and saw the Friendship Express start to curve around the bend as it was leaving the station. Of course! It went far faster than 60 miles an hour. She saw that one of its paths took it in the direction of Canterlot Castle.
So naturally Sweetie Derelle rammed through a park full of mimes and picnicking families to get to the train depot.
She rocketed onto the train tracks in front of the train and turned to the see the train conductor freaking out. She ran to the back, grabbed a small pony child, and tossed them at the accelerator where they stuck into place. Then, remembering herself, she picked up a piece of grilled pineapple and handed it to the child.
“Bwa?” she said.
“Oh thanks!” The child said, thankful and smiling. It was good to do good in the world, Sweetie Derelle thought, though the thought itself sounded more like ducks quacking while firing chainguns.
Sweetie Derelle saw the train start to slow down. She couldn’t let it happen. She kicked at the door to slam it open just like her hero Donut Joe. But through the glass, the train conductor only saw the small creature stub it’s foot on the glass and flail around wildly as children screamed behind it. The conductor narrowed its eyes in open-confusion as the small creature starting hitting the glass with a child’s pineapple-encased head as it yelled in minuscule mare fury. She tossed the useless child to the side, stood back and launched herself at the glass.
The shattering of glass burst forth as Sweetie Derelle sailed towards the windshield of the train.
“BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” The train conductor screamed as Sweetie Derelle slammed through the glass and fell into cabin. Sweetie Derelle didn’t move, possibly from the three concussions she had sustained since she started her bus-driving career ten minutes before.
“You okay?” the train conductor asked as he poked the body of the horrible creature.
“AHHHH!” She yelled as she leapt forward and further engaged the accelerator throttle. The bus hit Mach 1 (it was a fast train) as it shot off the track, barreling on a trajectory towards Celestia’s tower.
She stood, brushing her hair and contemplating life as she saw the bus rocketing through the air towards her bedroom.
“Oh no,” she said. “Not again.”
Sweetie Derelle and the train conductor watched as the bus landed inside the bedroom, and on top of Celestia, as the tower leaned precariously to one side. It then collapsed, as the children yelled in happiness, or so Derelle thought. The train conductor knew better.
“AW YEAHHH!” They both said as they jumped up and high-hoofed each other, stopping in mid-air for a pose.
“WHAT DID YOU DO?” Rarity yelled at Sweetie Derelle, who stared open-mouthed at her older sister.
Applejack, Apple Bloom and Rarity stared at Sweetie Derelle in jail behind the bars of Canterlot’s Juvenile Detention Facility.
“She’s ah hero,” Applejack said as Apple Bloom nodded. “She stopped ah busload of orphans from blowing up.”
“AND LANDED IT RIGHT ON TOP OF OUR NATION’S RULER AND BELOVED GODDESS!” Rarity screamed. Her pitch was so high, glasses cracked nearby.
“That’s right,” Applejack said. “Goddess. She’s immortal and therefore fine. Barely ah scratch.”
“She broke fifty-five bones!”
“She’s got like, what? Ah thousand bones? She’ll heal.”
Apple Bloom hoofbumped Sweetie Derelle through the bars. “You’re so awesome, Sweetie Belle!”
“THIS THING ISN’T MY SISTER” Rarity yelled. Sweetie Derelle just looked at her with its vast, emotion-filled goggly-eyes.
“Now Rarity, ah know what it’s like to have a little sister. Sometimes I call my sister ah thing too.” Applejack said. “But it’s important that you show love.”
“That’s right, Applejack!” Apple “Thing” Bloom said.
“Quiet, Apples,” Applejack retorted, but in a sisterly way.
“I don’t know what you did with my sister, but I’m going to find out! Mark. My. Words,” Rarity said with narrowed eyes towards the trashcan-mouthed monstrosity.
“Bwa?” she responded.
“STOP SPEAKING LIKE THAT,” Rarity said as she nearly pulled her hair out.
“Aw,” Applejack said. “She’s speaking in her special sisterly language to you!”
“That’s not a language!” Rarity’s voice caused dogs to bark outside. “THAT’S NOISE! AND GRUNTS! MONKEYS MAKE MORE SENSE THAN HER!”
“Bwa?”
“I HATE ALL OF YOU,” Rarity said as she stormed out. Applejack ran after her.
Apple Bloom stared at the creature in the cell with narrowed eyes. “Well you do look kinda janky…”
“Bwaaaa,” Sweetie Derelle said with a sad-ish expression. (That means the goggly eyes just happened to be pointed downward)
“That’s all right!” Apple Bloom said. “You look just like Sweetie Belle to me! So you must be her!” Apple Bloom, who needed glasses badly, said. She high-hoofed her excited friend(?) as they locked hooves like two action movies bros. “Don’t worry! Scootaloo and I will break you out! Then we can go save more ponies!”
“SWEETIE BELLEEEE!” The monstrosity yelled, like a damn Pokemon.
