Pinkie The Mighty

Pinkie the Mighty

Chapter 2

M. F. Surprise

It was the dawn of a new millennium, literally. Not a figuratively literally, but really literally literally. The summer sun celebration was only a day away. Soon, Princess Luna would return from the stars in her chariot of diamonds with teddy bears and chocolates for all her loyal subjects, before she smote those sun loving non-believers so far past heaven and hell they came back as puss. The abandoned building exploration club, consisting mostly of leather winged threstals and a screw loose pegasister, was comprised of three acolytes and an outsider. Although, in all fairness, that outsider felt a little responsible for bringing them all together. After all, it was her mistake that caused them to become orphans in the first place. It was an honest mistake and a lack of common sense really. How was she (the outsider) to know poking that Ursa-Major with a stick would come back to bite her with the wrath of a stone Grendel. Fortunately, she was small enough to get swallowed whole, but large enough to be wedged in the beast's windpipe like a bad penny... and it still took her parents and two members of the lunar guard to subdue the beast, assuming subjugation had been achieved at all during the crusade. Either way, she managed to survive, or this would be a very short chapter indeed.

Surprise was also the one who turned the others, all bat ponies, onto the thrill of exploring derelict buildings in middle of the night. She literally had nothing else in common with any of her friends, not gender, not politics or religious beliefs, and she was the only one they called Miz. If her childhood plans had panned out she could have been one of the power-ponies, because the wonderbolts were all shit-birds, and anyone who wanted to be one was a big fat turd. If her childhood plans had worked out Big Macintosh would be _her_ boyfriend instead of mooning over Rainbow Crash. If her childhood dreams hadn't been crushed by the time she reached middle school her closest friend would be a real dragon instead of a retarded alligator like Gummy. More importantly, her backyard would have a water park, her friends wouldn't all live in the same foster home, and dinners wouldn't consist of white bread rolled into a little ball filled with peanut butter and fritos. Well, she'd be damned if she couldn't find her own castle grayskull to rule equestria from with an iron hoof. One day, Celestia and her corrupt regime would be overthrown and Surprise was going to be the one to do it. . .

Plus, for the Tyranny of calling her Miss Fortune that mule was going to pay. She couldn't even be bothered to remember her real name. And, of course, being Princess Celestia no pony corrected her EVER. The name 'Surprise' was bad enough, being posthumously renamed was the worse, not to mention her turd shaped cutie mark didn't help. No one really cared that she was really good at pooping. And, nearly everyone knew calling her Miss Fortune got her goat. After all, literally every pony could do it. Even if her special talent was that she could lay out a steamer in the shape of a chocolate bunny, her gift was absolutely worthless without the power to perfect it... and it wasn't as if the surprise was that her skat smelled like a bed of roses either.  It wasn't her fault she wasn't born a horny devil bird like Twilight Sparkle, and the only magic she could perform was literally pulling a rabbit her backside. Plus, the only person she could ever manage to convince the pile of mousse droppings on her rump was ice cream was a diamond dog.

Teddy bears and chocolates be damned, Princess Luna was a fairy tale for foals and idiots and if Surprise didn't know better she'd reveal it was all a conspiracy created by Princess Celestia to keep the batponies in line (and away from worshiping the mare on the moon)... but her father made sure she knew better. After all her daddy, Bless His Heart, was one of Celestia's personal escorts. He was one of the ponies that carried Celestia across the sky in her golden chariot with Filligree. The real mystery as to why the orphans were all exiled to the sticks of Ponyville, outside of Canterlot no less, after the   ursa major incident was never fully resolved. But, Surprise bet it had something to do with Twilight Sparkle, that brown nosing cosset would have her lips sewn to Celestia's plot if she could get away with it.

Surprise took a moment to look throughout her saddlebags for her crudely hand drawn map of the everfree. Naturally,  her saddlebags consisted of a rucksack, tactical bailout satchel, attache case, mess kit, a chum-buddy shark themed napsack (because sea ponies are awesome),  and the ever popular filly guide survival manual [which Surprise had taken special care to make into a power-ponies fancomic, _because poor literacy is cool... (and it was an autographed copy Celestia had given to Twilight Sparkle). This was not, by far, the most evil (nor least annoying) thing she had done to Twilight Sparkle during the last Filly Guide Jamboree. But,  Surprise thought it well worth the sacrifice of her own manual when Twilight went postal... and burned their camp down].

After throwing the edited version of the Filly Guide Manual to the zombie apocalypse over her shoulder, while trying and failing to recover the map she had taken special care to draw on one of the paper placemats back at  Sugarcube Corner, the survivors manual landed next to her paperback copy of  Daring DoNU7 and the Wascolly Wabbits along with the envelope of rattlesnake eggs she was using as a bookmark.

No, she wasn't lost. She just needed the map to update (if not cross off) one of the landmarks. The Ace Swift Mausoleum, located somewhere in the froggy bottom bog (because the politicians couldn't be bothered to do more than remove the bodies when they built that dam thing) was now a thing of the past. Lately, the ramshackle outhouse that was Swift's burial place, the ones Surprise and her cohorts had been using for the hastily renamed ruin explorers club (and not used for counter intelligence espionage of the shadowbolts) had now been demolished and replaced with what appeared to be a giant half melted potato warmer in an impact crater. Granted,  It looked habitable... and had lots of shiny buttons,  but Miz Fortune was Surprisingly peeved, after fishing out the paper place matt and a pink crayon she flipped the map over, grabbed Gummy to use as a clip board and quickly scrawled out something.“Ok Gummy, New agenda! We have to destroy Princess Celestia. Vengeance isn't enough, This means war.”

That mare was going to pay for this, pay in spades. Their prank war had officially escalated to the mattresses, now it was a Troll war. With a Capital T. Destroying her evil fort of doom was the last straw. Becasue as far as Surprise was concerned Celestia was nothing more than a tyrant on a power trip. She molded Equestria into exactly what she wanted, and destroyed anyone who broke away from her ideals. Turning poor Fluffle Puff into Princess Mi Amore Cadenza was only the tip of the ice berg. Just because Fluffle Puff was raised by timberwolves in the everfree forest, didn't mean Celestia had the right to brainwash her into becoming Twilight Sparkle's nursemaid. If Celestia expected to be feared and worshiped like an omnipotent god that could strike anyone down (especially puppy minded sycophants that weren't hurting any pony), the second they stepped out of line; then, there was no excuse for trolling the gullible, ignorant, and-

“Gummy! Quit eating my itinerary. I'm trying to work here.” This proved to be a mistake as the minute the baby alligator stopped chewing on the ketchup stained paper the winds immediately caught the parchment and carried it off into the everfree forest. “Celestia Damnit!” Cursed the irate Surprise as she chased after the paper's trail leaving Gummy and her sacks of goodies behind. Gummy, really having nothing better to do, licked his eyeball.

Once in the forest, directed by the cold wind of nature's maniacal design,  and with the reckless abandon of a team of wild horses, Surprise nimbly managed to capture the flagging parchment that contained her itinerary.  She accomplished this feat not with prestidigitation, or trichnoid coiffure no jutsu, as one would expect. No, she accomplished this feat with dumb luck becasue the itinerary had managed to catch itself on the bramble of a broken bow of a tree. One that had been conveniently shredded, if not destroyed by the fallout of some sort of giant potato warmer crashing into the earth below.