Humming scary music to herself, Screwball, the little purple filly, stalked through the Ponyville streets under the full-moon light, dragging a wagon full of toilet paper behind her. She’d already completely paper rolled the castle of the usurper princess, Twilight Sparkle. As much as she’d like to TP the place again, the Royal Guard had already begun patrolling the castle and they… well, they were completely useless, actually. Maybe she’d go back later tonight.
But first, she had business with city hall.
With manic glee in her eyes, Screwball let the paper fly. The spiraling rolls flittered through the air like dance ribbons and Screwball, daughter of chaos, couldn’t help but give a cackling laugh in the moonlight as she draped rolls of toilet paper all over the building and trees.
She fished around in the wagon for her instruments of fear: spray-paint cans. As much as she would have loved to sign her work, the same way she tagged the inside of her warehouse lair, she knew she had to remain anonymous. For now. So she restrained herself to defacing a poster of Princess Celestia, adding a top-hat, a monocle, a mustache and redundant devil horns. Above the poster, Screwball painted the words “Big sister is watching you!”
It began to rain hard as she made her way back to her hide-out. Mountains of toilet-paper rolls filled the warehouse, enough to TP every spire in Canterlot. At the center of the room, lightning flashed through boarded up windows framed her grandest trophy in white light.
Strands of paper and party streamers hung down from the stone horns above Discord’s throne. They swayed in the warm breeze from the summer storm. Purple and white paint formed the image Screwball’s face on the back of the throne, along with the words “Screwball wuz here!”
She hopped onto her stolen throne and threw her front hooves into the air, laughing as lightening flashed.
“You know,” said a musical, effeminate voice. “When I said you were the daughter of chaos, I didn’t mean that literally.”
Screwball’s pupils contracted to narrow, purple dots. She cringed as she looked behind her, giving a nervous little giggle.
Discord’s serpentine neck curved around the throne. His mismatched eyes looked down at the little purple filly with amusement.
Screwball activated her cuteness defense mechanism and tapped her front hooves together, looking timid and asking with a small voice, “You’re not angry with me, are you, Daddy?”
“I’m not your-…” he cut himself off. He should probably ask Fluttershy how to handle that whole deal. “No, I’m not angry with you. Of course I’m not angry.” He gave his trademark “hohohoho” laugh as he floated through the air like an eel through water. “In fact, my dear, I think you’ve earned that throne you pilfered from my parlor.”
A slow, massive grin spread across Screwball’s face.
“In fact, I think I might…” said Discord, then he gasped, as if shocked by his own idea. “Oh, what ever was I thinking? That knowledge isn’t for mortal ponies to know.”
Screwball started jumping up and down. “Tellmetellmetellmetellmetellme!”
“Oh, but the knowledge would drive you mad,” said Discord.
Steam shot out of Screwballs ears as she leapt into the air, her face ballooning up and turning red. “TELL ME!”
“Oh, alright.” He leaned in close, giving her a whisper. “I’ve got a biiiiiiig book of chaotic secrets. My best tools of anarchy and fear, all bound in a tome of ancient lore.”
Screwball’s eyes went wide. “W…. want….” she said, in a zombie-like trance.
“Oh, it’s yours. Maybe. Fact is, my dear little Screwball, you’ve got to prove to me that you’re wacky enough to survive the secret knowledge that I’ve written down.”
“What more do I have to do!?” Screwball asked. “I already forged a letter from Celestia and made Twilight Sparkle read Fifty Shades of Hay! Twilight’s spent all month trying to figure out how to tell Celestia that she’s not into it!”
Discord booped her nose with his little claw. “Pay attention, my dear, because this is a serious, super dangerous quest. Out near where the forest meets the river, there lives a fearsome animal. Few have seen it and lived to tell the tale and none have managed to make sense of its mysterious ways.” Discord leaned in close, showing a wide, crocodile grin. “It’s called a snipe.”
Screwball seemed to shrink. “You want me to catch it?”
“The mythical snipe should be no problem for a crazy pony,” he said. He leaned in close, raising an eyebrow. “You are crazy, aren’t you?”
Her eyes narrowed. “Yes, I’m crazy!” she said with determination. “I tried to tell a joke to a social justice warrior!”
“Oh yes, that’s pretty nuts,” said Discord.
“I also tear the tags off of my pillows that say ‘Do not remove under penalty of law!’” said Screwball, hitting her chest. “And I don’t care who knows it!”
“You’re a real anarchist,” said Discord with a grin.
“And when I broke into your house and stole your throne, I also scrubbed the toilet with your tooth brush and put it back in the cup!” she said with a proud up-turn of her chin.
The smile on Discord’s face went limp and then hung down in a frown, like a wet noodle hanging over a fork. “About catching snipes, here’s how you do it. You have to throw rocks at a beehive.”
“How does that work?” she asked.
“Magic,” said Discord, wiggling his fingers.
Screwball grunted and stomped a hoof on the floor. “I’m gonna make that snipe beg me in the name of Celestia for mercy!” She turned toward the door.
“Also the bees have to sting you!” Discord called out as she galloped away. “Oh gee,” he said to himself. “I hope she’s not allergic.”
Discord closed the door behind him as he walked into his home out in space, hanging up his coat and hat. “Honey, I’m home. Is what I would say if I were married,” he said.
He summoned a glass of chocolate milk, but before he could take a sip, his door exploded inward, spraying shrapnel.
Discord let out a shriek as a massive, dog-like beat with red fur rushed into the room, thrashing around as Screwball rode its back like a rodeo cow-pony.
“I DID IT!” Screwball shrieked. “I didn’t make it beg but it’s snarling and I think that might be snipe language for please stop pulling my fur!” she yelled as she bounced around like a rag doll.
“How did you get it here!?” Discord ducked as the snipe kicked a shattered table at him. Before he could ask any more questions, the snipe tore down his favorite self-portrait and tore the painting apart. “Oh, enough of that.”
Discord magicked himself into a hat and boots and spun a lasso in the air. “Yeehaw!” he yelled as he hurled the rope.
The noose tightened around the animal’s snout. It yanked Discord off of his feet, dragging him around as it ran in circles, bashing the chaos god’s serpentine body against walls and furniture, shattering wood into bits.
Discord dug his rear hoof and foot into the floor, yanking against the rope. The snipe stopped, and Discord jumped at it.
The battle lasted several minutes, but Discord eventually hog-tied the vicious animal. Discord sobbed as he held up his tail, misshapen from a massive bite. “Screwball,” he growled.
She was nowhere to be found.
“Uh oh,” said Discord.
Discord ran to the back rooms where he kept his treasure piles, sprinting past the jars of acid and mountains of bear traps and rubber chickens until he got to a small box shaped like a treasure chest. He threw the box open and he clenched his jaw. His book was gone. And with his own thousand-page book of pranks and lulz, that little nut job had the power to inflate a whoopie cushion under any butt in Equestria.
But where would she go? Screwball was a lot like him and Discord’s target would certainly be Celestia. In fact, he’d been working on one special…
His eyes went wide. If he wanted to avoid another thousand years trapped in stone, and probably banished to the moon on top of that, he had to tell Twilight and get her help to stop that little psycho before she got to Canterlot.
A couple of hours later, the Friendship Express pulled into the Canterlot Train Station. Discord, Spike and Twilight raced out onto the street, Twilight wearing a furious expression.
“If Celestia doesn’t banish you to the moon, I will! “ said Twilight. “Can an earth pony really enchant a feather to tickle Celestia without mercy!?”
“If she uses the recipe in that potion, then yes,” said Discord.
Twilight picked Spike up, letting him ride as she galloped faster. “She’s visiting with dignitaries from Saddle Arabia right now, Discord! You’ll be lucky if she doesn’t banish you to the sun! Not to mention what she’ll do to me.” Twilight’s eyes went ride, remembering things she’d read in 50 Shades of Hay. “FASTER!”
The Royal Guards tried to block their paths on reflex, seeing them rushing at them full speed. Twilight didn’t take the time to identify herself and she shoved them both in the moat. They spat and sputtered, pouring the water out of their helmets.
“Don, do you like your job?” asked one of the guards. “I feel like no one really respects us.”
Inside the castle, Discord, Twilight and Spike raced toward the throne room, where Celestia was scheduled to meet with the dignitaries from Saddle Arabia. The idea of actually interrupting the God Empress of Equestria made Twilight forget her haste and come to a screeching halt in front of the door.
“Twilight,” Spike said.
Twilight shushed him and cracked the door, peeking in.
Nothing was amiss. Celestia was seated calmly in front of the diplomats from Saddle Arabia, discussing new trade with the Griffin Empire.
Twilight closed the door. “She’s not there yet,” she said.
“Twilight!” Spike shouted.
The Princess and Discord spun around as Spike pointed through an archway. Screwball stuck her tongue out at them and then dashed off around the corner.
“Get her!” Twilight yelled, leading the charge.
They chased after Screwball through an open door, Discord pacing ahead. Inside the dark pantry room, they saw a purple and white shape with a green and yellow beanie cap. Discord leapt at the figure, tackling it to the ground.
“Gotcha, you…” he held up a stuffed decoy plushie.
A cackling laughed raised the hair on the back of Discord’s neck. Discord, Twilight and Spike turned around to see Screwball standing on her hind legs in the door way. She held a canvas bag and a buzzing sound emanated from it. “Who’s the new God of Chaos?!” Screwball asked.
Twilight backed away in fear and Discord grumbled. “You are,” he said with a flat tone.
“ALL HAIL SCREWBALL!” Screwball screamed, then she opened the bag and hurled the hive into the room.
Screwball slammed the door behind her and barricaded it closed with a chair. She held her hooves to her waist, leaning back to let out a maniacal laugh as she heard Discord and Twilight cursing and yelling, angry bees stinging them all over.
End
