A Satirical Unoriginal Mistake

by Clairvoyant

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Derpy Hooves, Sex, Tragedy, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, DJ P0N-3, Human, Main 6, Lyra, Original Character
Length: 2201

Everything was fine until Twilight messed everything up. Now, black and red Alicorns roam the streets, Twilight and her friends are out of character and have a speech impediment, and to top it all off, Anon is right in the middle of it all.

Everything was fine until Twilight decided that messing with changeling magic was a good idea. Now, there is black and red Alicorns roaming the streets, Twilight is speaking fancier, Pinkie can't stop talking, Rarity's vocabulary consists of one word, Applejack's accent is worse, Rainbow Dash is more brash and full of herself, and Fluttershy is stuttering horribly.

And Anon is right in the middle of it all.

You're best off not taking this story seriously. Based off of a thread about bad writing on /mlp/. I'm sure this story will make it on there eventually.

Published 2016-06-24 23:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-06-24 23:30:01 UTC

All Is Fair In The Game Of Unoriginality

All Is Fair In The Game Of Unoriginality

A radiant, beaming solar eclipse hung high above the small, rustic known as Ponyville, the home of the esteemed Mane Six, bearers of the Elements of Harmony. It's also home to the infamous Human, Anonymous, who seems to be staring up at the black orb in the sky with curiosity and wonder, rubbing his chin furiously with a hand as he sighed, his mind racing with millions of thoughts.

Twilight Sparkle, newest crowned princess of Equestria, and friend to Anon, waa working on a new spell that would change somepony’s appearance and voice temporarily, using the changeling’s magic as a foundation for the spell. But, as Anon glanced around at the town around him, he knew that Twilight messed up the spell somewhere. A simple “Huh” left his mouth as he looked around the town, more importantly, at the residents of the town.

Everywhere he looked, he saw Alicorns. Their coats were the darkest black, with their mane and tails a mix between black and red, a simple striped pattern. Their wings fluttered as they tried to fly, but fail, and their horns sputtered endless in a pathetic attempt to cast magic, only producing mere sparks from the tip of their horns. And the oddest part, is that all of their eyes resembled a cat’s, but the pupils were red, and were small pinpricks.

Any ponies that weren't affected by this weird phenomenon, instantly flocked to one of the would-be Alicorns and began kissing them ferociously, the unaffected ponies telling the Alicorns how they're the best and most powerful, handsome and beautiful ponies around, confessing their love to the black and red abominations before they… Ugh, Anon turned away with a groan before he spotted Twilight.

“Twilight?! What the fuck is happening?!” The Human yelled as he ran to greet the Alicorn, who was thankfully not under the effect of… Whatever the hell is going on. Twilight perked up as he approached, before clearing her throat and adopting an elegant, and musical accent as she brought a hoof to her chest.

“I do not know, my dear friend, Anonymous. I was merely practicing a complex and evolving spell before there was a very loud and bright flash that rendered me unconscious for quite some time. I awoke to come across the town of Ponyville under the effects of this catastrophic spell.” She informed before Anon gawked at her, his eyebrows raising.

“What the hell did you just say to me? Why the fuck are you talking like that?” He inquired before he jumped back at a fast blur, realizing that it's the town’s mailman, er, mailmare. He took a look at her before he blinked at her. Her eyes were more fucked than normal, her pupils dancing around as she embraced a large crate full of what appears to be blueberry muffins.

“I just don't know what went wrong… Do you just know what went wrong? Anon, what just went wrong?” She repeated before she jumped into the crate of muffins like Scrooge McDuck and swimmed around inside of it. Anon shook his head before turning to Twilight, his mind muddled and incomprehensible.

“Twilight… Can you fix,” He stopped to wave his arms around erratically at the town in all directions before continuing. “All of this?” He asked as Twilight placed a pair of glasses on her face and cleared her throat once again, doing the same position as last time.

“We will have to attempt to, because I do not like the way I am speaking currently at the time. If we have any chance of restoring the town of Ponyville back to status quo, then we must make haste and embark on a short trip to each of my friend’s established residence and gather the Elements of Harmony. Come, we do not have much time, my homo sapien acquaintance.” She stated before trotting towards the town.

Anon darted his eyes around at the town and its denizens, realizing that his home for the past few years is fucked up, with a possible chance that things won't go back to the way they were. And if that were to happen, well… They say that death is just sleep, but you never wake up. But, hopefully it won’t come to that. Twilight and the gang will fix things, they always do.

Suddenly, Anon was tackled by a mint-colored horse and he grunted as he hit the dirt road with a mighty thud. He rolled his eyes lazily before shaking his head and regaining his senses. He looked up and saw Lyra sucking on his fingers like a lollipop as her hooves fondled his crotch area. He screamed as he shoved her off, quickly standing up and hiding behind Twilight.

“Lyra Heartstrings, please vacate the area before I am forced to use excessive and harmful force against you. I would come to regret that decision if you choose to defy me.” Lyra whimpered before she ran off, yelling and repeating ‘Fingers, hands, toes, feet, Humans’ in an endless mantra of madness. Anon shook his head as him and Twilight continued walking through the town at a brisk pace, steering away from the black and red Alicorn abomination sex machines.

“Thanks, Twilight. I don't know what the hell came over her, she's never been like that before.” Anonymous exclaimed before he shivered, glancing down to his fingers. Well, he might have to learn without fingers on his right hand after this…

“It is quite fine, my dear friend Anonymous, we must trek with caution in the future now. Who knows what destructive and catastrophic effects this failed spell might of possibly spawned!” Twilight elegantly yelled before she adjusted the glasses on her face with a frown. Anon really hopes that this will be over soon enough.

Anon scanned his surroundings as they arrived at Sugarcube Corner, the home of the one and only Pinkie Pie. He can only hope that she hasn't been effected by this spell. She is already bad enough without botched spells adding to it. He furrowed his brows as he noticed a certain smell; pastries. Not just any pastries…

“HereahaveacupcakemyfavoritehumanfriendAnonymous,IreallyhopeyouenjoyitIspentmanyhoursbakingabatchtoperfection! Waitaminuteherehaveanotheritneverhurtstohavemoretreatsinyourbellytohelpyougrowupbigandstrong!” Anon blinked at the sudden appearance of Pinkie Pie before one thought came to mind.

“What the hell is wrong with you, why are you talking like that?” Anon felt déjà vu as he asked that for the second time that day, rubbing his forehead as he sighed. “Nevermind, just shut up for right now. Twilight! Pinkie is fucked up too, more than usual!” He shouted before he turned to Twilight who was rubbing her chin with a hoof.

“I do not know what has befallen Pinkie and I, but judging by her excessive speech impediment, as well as my own, I can assess that the rest of my friends will be acting the same way. Therefore, we must steel ourselves for the worst.” Twilight examined Pinkie, the former with a curious glint in the eye, while the latter continued to hand Anon cupcakes from an endless supply within her mane. The Human kept throwing the cupcakes into large pile that kept accumulating the pastries, but it didn't make the party pony stop.

“Idon’tknowwhat’swrongwiththetownbutIcan’thelpbutfeelthatIhaveadutytofulfillinbreakingacertainwall…” Pinkie ceased talking to catch her breath before continuing her onslaught of words. “Theauthorofthisstoryisreachingforthelowestformofcomedythereisbywritingthisandyethecontinuestomashhisfingersonthekeyboardendlessly.”

“Fuck off.”

Anon stared up at the sky in confusion as the deep voice resounded through the air, the two words echoing in the wind. The Human placed his hands on his hips as he flopped open his mouth like a fish, no words coming to his mouth as he wondered what the hell is going on. ‘Edgy’ alicorns are fucking ponies in the streets, four of his friends are acting weird and out of character, and there's a fucking eclipse in the sky!

“... Let's just find everyone else.” Anon begrudgingly said as the now group of three traveled through the town. His eyes danced around as he noticed everything going on and he noticed one of his friends, Vinyl Scratch, being unusually quiet. He approached her and greeted her. “You, uh, alright?”

She nodded but then quickly shook her head as she lifted her purple glasses, revealing her now red eyes. What. The. Fuck? Her eyes are usually magenta, why are they red…? Fuck it, blaming it on Twilight. Her and the fucking changeling magic, just has to go messing with shit that shouldn't be fucked with. ‘All in the name of magic and science’ my ass, Anon thought as he walked away from Vinyl and met back up with Twilight and Pinkie, who were speaking with Rarity and the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Oh, God.

“... Oh I wish, darling, but we’re all going to have to he darlings and darling it out. I am certainly not happy with the darling way I am speaking, darling. Let's make like darlings and find the rest of our darlings, darling.” The white fashionista said weirdly as she looked to the three filles. “You three darlings please be darlings, and stay away from any darlings for the time being, understand, darlings?” Anon sighed as he smacked himself up the head. That's what he gets for being optimistic, he thought as he rolled his eyes.

“Cutie Mark Crusader Noose Testers!” The three screeched before they galloped off towards the Carousel Boutique, leaving the three ponies and one human to rub their ears with renewed vigor. Anon looked to Rarity as he crossed his arms.

“What's wrong with you, huh?”

“I can't stop saying darling, darling. It's such a darling way to mess with one's darling vocabulary, darling. But, enough about darling me, darling, let's go get darling Appledarling.” She exclaimed with a musical voice before trotting off, Twilight and Pinkie joining her as Anon sighed for the fifteen millionth time that day.

Wait, is that… Yup, that's Celestia wearing a banana suit. Anon frowned as he caught up to three ponies, crossing his arms in frustration as they arrived at Sweet Apple Acres. Except, the sign it was written on was crossed out and above wrote ‘Sour Pear Peninsula’. Good. Great. Splendid.

“Wall’, hawdy’ tharr’ fallows’, whet’ arr’ ya’ doooing’ hare’, Twalight’, Pankie’, and Reritee’? Ah’ an’ hallow’ tharr’ Anon! Excuuse’ mah’ voice raht’ naw’, it's ell’ mightee’ messed ahp’.” Applejack greeted Anon and the three ponies with a worse accent than usual. But, that's not what captivated Anon, no it was what's behind her.

“Aren't Braeburn and Big Mac both straight?” He asked hesitantly, pointing behind the orange mare. Applejack looked back to see them smooching each other as they entered the barn, shutting the door behind them. Sighing, once again, Anon rubbed his forehead, once again. “Alright, look, shut up and let's find Rainbow and Flu-”

“Lookit’sRainbowandFluttershycomingthiswaywowhowconvenientdon’tyouknowhowpacinganddetailsworkauthor?” Pinkie said in an excessive matter, turning to stare at the sky. She frowned before, for the second time that day, that same deep voice talked from the sky, confusing Anon.

“Shut up, you pink horse. It’s my fucking story!”

“Hey, no one talks crap to my friends! Only I am allowed to be mean to them!” Rainbow Dash yelled at the sky before turning back and arriving where Anon and the four ponies now stand, Fluttershy by her side. Rainbow Dash pivoted to Anon and spit on his face, slapping him. “I hate you because I’m brash… S-Sorry, I can't control it… I’m the fastest flyer in Equestria and nopony could ever hope to be as awesome as me! I’m twenty percent cooler in ten seconds flat!”

“T-T-T-T-h-h-h-a-a-t-t-t w-w-w-a-s-s-n-”

“Oh God, shut the fuck up Fluttershy, holy shit, you are by far the worst, holy fuck nuggets.” Anon clamped his mouth shut with a hand as his heart began racing. Oh God, it's starting to affect him, too! Suddenly, the six ponies’ eyes turned glazed and they swiveled to face him.

“Anonymous, the handsome Human, I desire for you to penetrate my tight, damp vagina.” Twilight seductively purred.

“AnonpleaseletmesticklittleAnoninsideofmypretty,peculiar,pink,premiere,horsepussy!” Anon backed away with fright as they began crowding around him.

“Darling, if you could be a darling, please buck my darling marehood, darling.” Anon shuffled away as his back faced the town, where unknowingly, an army of black and red alicorns banded together and were converging on his location.

“Anoon, ah’ knuw’ ya’ wont’ thes’ heere’ good ol’ countree’ pusse’.” Anon’s face contorted into an expression of shock as the sound of many hooves slamming on the ground filled his ears. Turning around, he saw the black and red Alicorns slowly surround him.

“Hah! Everypony knows that Anon would buck the one and only Rainbow Dash, after all, my vagina is twenty percent cooler! And I can make you cum in ten seconds flat!” Anon screamed in horror as he slowly began being pushed by the ground by his six friends and the army of ‘edgy’ Alicorns, his clothes being ripped off.

“F-F-F-u-u-c-c-c-k-k-k m-m-m-e-e-e!”

In the middle of the gigantic crowd of horny, unoriginal color pallete ponies and the affected Mane Six, was a single arm protruding out before it was slowly dragged underneath, Anon’s screams filling the air as he was overtaken.

“No! Not my anus!”

The End.

(I have no regrets)