Chapters -After the episode-
Dash skipped lunch and dinner. She wanted to impress Twilight for when she was gonna talk to her about the secrets among Pegasi.
Late at night she flew to the friendship castle. She felt a bit dizzy and light-headed but it wasn't something that she wasn't used to.
She knew for a fact that Twilight was still up, probably studying. The light from a candle shone through the window. She flew up to it and knocked on the glass.
It opened.
"Rainbow? What are you doing here so late?"
She flew in.
"Weeeeell. I just Happened to notice some.. stuff."
Twilight gave her a confused look.
"You know what I'm talking about. You couldn't have read it in a book, so who's the lucky pony who told you about the secrets?"
Twilight was even more confused.
"What are you talking about? What secrets?"
Dash rolled her eyes.
"Oh, you know. Image. Appearance. Shape."
"Dash, that's the same thing."
"See, you know what I mean!"
"I get what you say, but I don't understand what you mean!"
"Seriously twi? You do it yourself and don't even know about it?"
"Rainbow. Stop talking around it and just tell me what you're talking about."
Dash facehooved.
"Urgh. Isn't it obvious? I'm talking about the Pegasus secrets!"
"Huh?"
Dash began to understand. Twilight had no idea what she was talking about. She flared her wings in anger.
"If you don't know about it, then why didn't you touch your breakfast?! Is there a new thing that uni- I mean alicorns, do to look like us?! Why would you guys steal our thing?!"
"What? What 'thing'?! I just wasn't hungry this morning, that's all. Dash, what in Equestria are you talking about?!"
Her stomach growled in response.
Be quiet damnit!
"Rainbow? Are you okey?"
She was starting to feel really dizzy...
...and the world went black.
"Rainbow..!"
"So. This is what you call 'normal'? Barely eating anything?"
"Well, yeah. I mean, who would want a fat Pegasus?"
"Rainbow Dash. You. Are not 'Fat'. You're far from it."
"You can never be too thin."
"Why do you think like that?"
"Well.. my parents were always going on about dieting, how we had to look, stuff like that, ya know?"
"So.. basically you think that you have to be thin so your parents would.. like you?"
Dash thought for a second.
"Hm I guess."
Twilight, taking notes of everything, came to a conclusion.
"Rainbow. I want you to look in the mirror" She levitated a body mirror in front of the two, "and tell me what you see."
Dash did as she was told. She could see herself, but could also see Twilight in the reflection.
"Why would you call me 'thin' if I look like... THAT?!" She snapped at Twilight.
"Rainbow, listen. What you see is a trick."
Dash continued to glare at the alicorn.
"Your mind is playing a game with you. No matter how thin you are, you will always think that you're overweight."
"That's bullshit and you know it Twi."
"I'm serious. Rainbow Dash, I'm pretty sure that you have an eating disorder."
"Come on! Out of all the uncool things, you accuse Me to be a loony?!"
Twilight gasped.
"Rainbow! Eating disorders are serious diseases! Most end deadly if not treated!"
"Oh please. What could be so deadly about wanting to lose a bit of weight?"
"Losing a bit. And more. And even more. Until only skin and bones are left. Ever heard of starvation? That's what happens! I don't want you to starve yourself to death! Why won't you understand?!"
"Because I. Don't. Have. A. Disorder."
"Rainbow. Come with me to the kitchen. And eat whatever you want."
"Fine. If that's what it takes for you to believe me."
She got up on her wobbly legs, still not having enough strength. Twilight rushed to her side as she fell to her knees.
"I don't need your help." Dash argued.
"Of course not." Twilight said ironically.
She helped the Pegasus to the kitchen.
"So, what do you want? Pancakes? Muesli?"
"How about some healthy food?"
"Like what?"
"Apples? Carrots?"
"Alright." She levitated both vegetables to the Pegasus.
Dash only stared at them, so Twilight tried to push her a little.
"Go ahead."
She wanted to prove Twilight wrong. But something in her mind told her 'no'. It was too early for food.
Twilight wouldn't win this though. Dash grabbed the carrot and began the fight.
But it just wouldn't last long. Just as Rainbow tried to swallow it, her body rejected it. It was her body's last attempt at making things right.
A few painful heaves and the floor before her was covered in orange pieces.
Rainbow just closed her eyes, ears flat. She was ashamed for losing against her friend. But she was even more ashamed that her friend was right.
She did have a problem.
She had in fact an eating disorder.
"You said this whole thing was among Pegasi?"
"Yep."
"So every Pegasus has an eating disorder?"
"Uhh.. I guess.."
"Rainbow, this is serious business! We have to inform the princess!"
Before Dash could say anything, Twilight was already gone, writing a letter.
Minutes later, all of the main six and Princess Celestia had a meeting.
The rest of the gang didn't know what this was about, so they waited impatiently for answers.
"So, what's this about?" AJ asked.
"Twilight sent me a really concerning note. It appears that an entire pony race wants to stand out in a rather unhealthy way."
Celestia gave Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash a short glance.
"It appears that Pegasi have gotten a secret of their own. A dangerous secret."
Fluttershy was confused. "What secret?"
Twilight and Rainbow shared a confused look.
"You guys keep SECRETS from us?! I thought we were your friends!" Pinkie shrieked.
"But.. but.. I don't have any secrets! I swear!" Fluttershy squeaked and melted on her chair.
It worried Rainbow. She was starting to doubt that every Pegasus knew. That maybe the habits didn't even exist..
"Fluttershy? Can you tell us what you're eating all day?"
"Um.. I think so.. If you want me to.."
Twilight nodded and seemed to share Rainbows thoughts.
"Well.. there's a nice big breakfast with all my animal friends. Sometimes we have a nice picnic later for brunch. Then some sandwiches for lunch. Oh, and sometimes I like to get some sweets from Pinkie."
"YEP!!"
Dash hung her head. Twilight sighed. "Thanks Fluttershy, I think that's enough."
"I take it, there is no such thing as a secret among Pegasi?" Celestia asked as she turned to her protege.
"I guess not.. but that would mean.." Twilight looked sadly at Dash.
"You said your parents were all about dieting. So it could also be genetic.."
Dash didn't say anything. Twilight wrapped a wing around her.
"Twilight darling. What is this about? What's genetic about a diet?"
"Anorexia is a disease.. and just like drug addiction and alcoholism there is a genetic component.."
They were flying for a while until Dash landed at one of the floating houses.
"Are you ready?"
Dash, looking determined at the door, nodded and knocked.
A short silence. Then the door opened.
"Rainbow? Dashie! You look Great!" Her father cheered. "Honey, our daughter is home!" He called inside.
Dash just rolled her eyes.
"Rainbow! Oh I can't believe it! How long has it been? Four years? Five?"
"Mom please."
"Oh, am I embarrassing you? Who's your friend?"
"My name is-"
Dashs mother gasped and bowed.
"Please.. there is no need for that."
Her mother stood up again.
"Oh where are my manners! My name is Firefly. Pleasure to get visited by a princess."
"I.. thanks."
"How about we just go inside." Dash interrupted in a low tone.
"Of course!"
"Tea?"
"Mum stop it. Just.. stop."
"Rainbow! What's gotten into you?"
"We came here for a reason."
"Oh?"
"Now don't go and tell me you two are in a relationship?!"
"Dad!"
"Rainbow Dash This is Not how I raised you!"
"That's not why we're here!"
"Actually, it is. I mean the way you raised her." Twilight corrected.
Her parents went silent.
"Why did you lie to me."
Silence.
"WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME!!! I'm your Daughter! Your own blood! Why would you Do this to me?!"
Her parents were lost. Twilight wanted to explain.
"Why did you tell her that Pegasi had to look a certain way, and eat the way you showed her? It's Really unhealthy."
"What?" Her father was lost.
"Oooooh I get it now. Dashie.. look. After I was pregnant with you I gained a few pounds. Your grandma was always about looks. She lived with us in our house to watch you when you were young and we were at work. So I tried to lose weight, my mother encouraging me..."
Dash shook her head slowly..
"You wanted to be like me so much.. I think my mothers talking must have encouraged you to it. A young fillies mind is vulnerable to those things.. so when you stopped eating.. Oh Dashie I'm so sorry! I didn't realize what was happening, right before my eyes...!" She started to cry. Her husband hugging her. He continued for her.
"When your grandma died, we found food hidden everywhere in her house.."
Dash closed her eyes.
"I don't believe this..."
"Honey, we are so Sorry.."
"Why would you keep something like this from me?"
"Keep what from you?" Her mother looked up.
"Grandma had an eating disorder.. mum, anorexia is a disease, just like drug addiction or alcoholism there's a genetic component. Why would you keep something like this from me?" Dash echoed Twilights words.
"Because..."
"We weren't about to give you permission to be damaged."
"What?!"
"As soon as you identify this as a disease, something you were born with, it makes you less likely to try and change it. You start to think that it's out of your control"
"I don't believe this.." Dash was close to crying now.
"Honey, I know you're upset right now but one day you'll understand-"
"I will Never understand you mum, I Hate you!" She took off and vanished.
"What.."
"Oh dear.."
"I'll go look for her. It was nice to meet you."
Author's Note
Reference to Red Band Society
Dash was in her own home.
Or rather, she was destroying her own home.
Her world had shattered around her. Her whole life, she believed that she had to be thin so any pony would be proud of her. She had always tried to be perfect. Always wanting to impress others.
She wanted to be accepted.
And now she had to learn that all this was just a lie.
She had suffered. She had made herself suffer.
She suffered to be accepted.
And now it seemed like it never mattered.
Dash screamed.
It wasn't hard for Twilight to find her friend. She could swear her screams could be heard in Canterlot.
"Rain-" she gasped when she saw the condition the house was in.
Everything was broken, ripped apart, shattered...
"..Rainbow?" Now scared for her friend's health, she carefully went to investigate.
"Rainbow, please answer me!"
Saying that there were no signs of the Pegasus in the rooms so far wouldn't fit, since every room was destroyed.
"Rainbow! Where are you?! Answer me!" She called again.
She found the bedroom. Or rather what was left of it.
And found the Pegasus in question laying beside the bed in a pile of broken glass.
"Rainbow!!!"
She rushed over to her, hugging her tightly.
"It's okey Rainbow.. I'm here.."
It was then that she noticed that Dash was crying. She started stroaking the Pegasus' mane in an attempt to calm her down.
They sat like that for a while.
"I've felt.. so alone.. for so long.. I didn't know.. why this was happening to me.. and all this time there's been a reason.." Dash finally said between breaths.
Twilight just hugged her tighter.
She wished she could do so much more than just that...
Author's Note
Another reference to Red Band Society
Twilight had started repairing Dashs stuff with her magic. Being an alicorn sure had its advantages. She was worried about Dash, but she simply couldn't leave her home in such a mess.
Twilight only knew little about eating disorders. Since they were mostly overlooked in Equestria, she couldn't get much information in books. But what she knew, was that eating disorders can not be cured. They can only be made easier to live with. But they would always haunt you and you're always at risk of relapsing.
She wondered how she didn't notice it before. But she figured that Dash must have had some tricks of her own. Twilight also remembered Dash saying that you can get rid of food easily. And that it wasn't necessary.
"Twi?" Dashs voice broke her from her thoughts.
"Yes, Rainbow?"
"I want to show you something.."
Dash opened a closet and grabbed something from inside it. Twilight went over to her.
"When I was in flight school, they would always take photos of us..."
She handed over a photo. Twilight turned it around and gasped at what she saw.
"I was always bullied.. and they made fun of me for looking like I did. I always took it wrong, thought they meant I was overweight.. So I didn't want to be taken photos of..."
Twilight was lost for words. She couldn't believe what she's looking at. Who she's looking at. She wanted to cry.
Dash just looked away. She felt shamed of herself.
"But you don't look.. this bad anymore.. what changed?"
"A lot changed after I educated. Being away from those bullies helped a lot. Also my grandma lived in her own home and passed away a bit after I finished school. I always wanted to be like my mum. She was athletic and also liked the Wonderbolts. When my dad took me to one of their shows, I knew what I wanted to be when I was old enough. So I was kinda more interested in becoming the best at flying. And since you need the energy to fly, I had to eat. Only healthy stuff though."
Twilight nodded and looked at the picture again.
Her dream had helped her once. Maybe it could help a second time?
The first thing she noticed as she came to was
She felt weak.
She didn't know what happened, of where she was.
But the constant beeping sound of a heart monitor gave her an idea.
And the clean smell made it clear.
She tried to open her eyes.
And was met with a harsh light.
She groaned in response.
"Rainbow?"
Hey, she was not alone.
"Mmmmmm..." Guess that's a new way at saying hello.
"How are you feeling?"
This kind voice. She knew that voice.
What was wrong with her? She couldn't think clearly.
Not cool.
She turned her head, hopefully away from any lights, and tried to open her eyes again.
It was very blurry at first, but she was able to make out the white walls.
"Rainbow? Can you hear me?"
Oh, right, someone is here.
She turned her head a bit at the source of the voice.
Her vision cleared a bit with every few seconds and she could see a friendly purple face.
"How are you feeling?" She asked concerned.
Hmm. Good question.
She tried to answer but could only cough.
Damn what's with my throat?
"Here." Twilight said and levitated a glass over to her face.
She thankfully accepted, the water smothering her throat.
"Thanks.." She managed to say weakly.
Then the door opened and some pony stepped inside. He was wearing this white uniform and had a stethoscope around his neck.
He must be a doctor, she figured.
"Good to see you awake, miss Dash. We are going to do a few tests and then you're ready to leave."
She felt relieved.
"I can leave?"
The doctor shifted a bit.
"Well, not exactly. You're going to be transferred to a clinic for eating disorders."
Twilight gave her a sympathetic look.
"I am what?!"
Author's Note
The story is going to be hiatus for quite a while. For more information, you can read my new blog post https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/647748/secrets-among-pegasi-on-hiatus
Pegasi.
At least that's what they told me. My parents taught me a lot about food. What to eat.
And what Not to eat.
We always had a special diet. Breakfast didn't exist. Lunch was a healthy salad. And dinner was another salad. No sweets. No snacks. No candy. It would ruin everything.
We had to make every other race think that Pegasi were naturally like this.
Every Pegasus that wasn't like this was a disgrace for the Pegasus race.
We made the sky to our element. And did the same with body image.
No other race could know about our secrets.
No pony could know the truth.
No pony could heal our illness.
-The Pancake Breakfast From Castle Sweet Castle-
Of course. It had to be breakfast. And of course, it had to be even more of this fat stuff. As if Pinkies sweets weren't enough already.
Rainbow Dash wasn't like every other Pegasus. But she knew the secrets, habits, struggles, like every other Pegasus.
Just eat the pancakes, show them that you eat, that you're grateful for it, and then get rid of it the second you're alone.
The attention went to the sleeping alicorn. Snoring soundly and face planting in her plate.
Seriously? I know she has wings now, but who taught her our secrets?
They were in no books. They were informations that are told in families.
In pure Pegasus families.
The fact that even after their talk, the alicorn still hadn't touched her food, amazed and confused her. She made a mental note to later ask Twilight when they got a moment alone.
For now, she had something else to do. Seeing how the others were busy discussing how to decorate, Dash took the chance and sneaked to the nearest bathroom. She locked the door, turned on the faucet since you could never know if some pony would check on you, and went to start.
Since she'd been doing this her whole life, it was easy for her to throw the pancakes back up. Maybe it was just another Pegasus thing. One could never be too sure.
When she was done, she drank from the faucet and then turned it off. She noticed her look in the mirror.
Every Pegasus that wasn't thin was a disgrace for the entire race.
You can never be thin enough.
"Rainbow? Where are you?"
Damnit.
She opened the door and found Applejack.
"Ya missed a bit. We made a plan. Every pony gets some things from their home and we combine them."
"Alright then, see you guys in a bit."
No one noticed a thing.
When she woke up it was already morning. She felt weak.
Not awesome..
She looked around and noticed that Twilight was sleeping to her left. They were on the sofa in the castle. She remembered how she got here.. being mad at Twi and then..
"Thank Celestia you woke up! I was so worried!"
She turned her head to see the alicorn wide awake.
"How are you feeling? Oh! Here, drink some water. You must be dizzy. It didn't look like you ate a lot yesterday."
She levitated a glass of water over to the Pegasus. She gladly accepted, but regretted it the second it was down. Her stomach hurt like hell, it made her wince.
So Not awesome...
She would never admit it, but sometimes she hated being a Pegasus.
"Now, how about we get some food in you, hm?" The alicorn asked with a smile.
Dash thought for a moment and came to the decision "No thanks, I'm good."
Twilight stopped and shot her a concerned look.
"Rainbow.. are you serious? You simply Fainted yesterday because you... you..-"
Oh dear..
"Rainbow.. have you eaten anything after our pancake breakfast..?"
Dash wanted to say that she didn't even keep the pancakes, but decided to simply shake her head.
"Rainbow.. why? It's not healthy. Our bodies need food."
"If we needed it, why can we just get rid of it so easy." She stated.
"Get.. rid of it? What are you talking about?"
"Really Twi. It's a Pegasus thi- never mind."
"Rainbow. I want you to eat. You didn't yesterday, so I want you to eat right here, right now."
"Can't do."
"Why not?"
"Pegasi don't do 'breakfast'."
"What?! But.. But breakfast is the most important meal of the whole day!"
"Yeah, and it's not necessary because it only makes you fat."
Twilight was stunned. This confused Dash, since it wasn't a big deal to her at all.
"Rainbow, I'm going to ask you a simple question, okey?"
Dash shrugged.
"Do you think you're fat?"
The Pegasus thought for a moment. You can never be too thin. So that means you're always too fat, right? She looked at her body.
"Pretty much."
Dashs answer was all it took for Twilight to understand.
She understood.
Everything.
Twilight wasn't going to let Rainbow be on her own, so she gave her a room in the palace.
"Okey. How about a nice salad, hm? You think you can handle that?"
Dash just nodded and sighed.
"Alright.." Twilight left her for a short moment. Then returned with a plate, halfway filled with salad.
Dash could only stare at it.
Fate.
Dash was pacing in her room in the palace. She was fighting against her own body and mind. She just wanted to end this. To get rid of it so she would finally be free again.
And Twilight just wanted Dash to understand, that the Pegasus is lying to herself. That she was far from 'fine'. That she looked as though she could just drop dead. It surprised her how Dash could even still stand.
And run, for that matter.
She caught her on her run for the bathroom. She held her tightly around the chest, keeping her fore legs and wings bend down so she couldn't do much.
"Twi lemme go!!!"
"Dash calm down, it's okey!"
"NO!! LET ME GO!!!!!"
The distressed Pegasus squirmed in the alicorns grip. When she felt the Pegasus slightly slip, she tightened her grip...
...which was now around her barrel.
It all happened so fast that Twilight didn't even realize it until she saw the former contents of Dashs stomach on the floor.
"Damn it.." The alicorn muttered.
"I'm sorry, Dash.." She said softly and started petting the Pegasus on her back in a calming matter...
Twilight had been thinking for a few hours. She entered Dashs room.
"Dash.. I can't keep watching you... starve in front of our eyes. I'm taking you to a clinic for eating disorders."
Dash couldn't believe what she'd just heard.
"Forget it Twi!"
Twilight shook her head and left her again.
On the next day, and a battle with dinner the day before, Dash had more strength. She went down to Twilight.
"Twilight. I'll let you take me to this stupid clinic. But first.."
"Rainbow.." Twilight started, afraid of what might come.
"I made up my mind. I'm gonna go see my parents. And since you can judge, you're coming with me. If you think they have an eating problem too, they're going to the clinic with me."
"Sigh.. alright."
After restoring Dash's house, Twilight brought her back with her to the castle. Dash had gone to her room, leaving Twilight with her thoughts in the library. She was still searching for anything that she might have missed in some books about eating disorders.
"Hey Twilight?" She turned to see Spike next to her.
"What is it, Spike?"
"When were you going to tell me that we had a new roommate?"
"Oh, right, sorry. Rainbow is going to be staying with us for a while."
"Uh.. okey?"
"Come on, don't act like that. We've got more than enough room in here anyways!"
"It's not that, it's just.. why? I mean.. did something happen? It's not usual for them to live with us, especially Rainbow Dash."
Twilight thought for a second. Spike was young, he wouldn't understand.
"She's.. uh.. sick."
"...she's sick?" He asked, confused.
"That's what I said, wasn't it."
"Yeah, I mean, you did. But why... is it something serious?"
Twilight bit her lip. It Was something serious, but Spike had a different definition of that.
"Don't worry, it's nothing contagious. Just an.. uh..."
Spike noticed that Twilight obviously didn't want to talk about it.
"You know, if it's a secret between you two, you don't have to tell me."
Twilight sighed in relief.
"Just tell me whenever you need me for anything." He smiled at her.
"You're the best number one assistant in Equestria, Spike." She hugged him.
"Heh, I know."
Meanwhile, Dash was in her room with her own thoughts. She was still shocked and upset about learning the truth.
Why did she have to be so stupid?
Believing that it was a good thing to eat so little that she was more than often dizzy enough to crash into everything. Why should the Wonderbolts accept such a lousy flier like her that couldn't even do normal things like eating ?!
She groaned.
She hated herself for being so stupid. And now her friends and family have to worry about her. Because she messed up. Again.
She wasn't perfect. She was just a burden. A barely living burden that everyone has to worry about. Why did they still care? What was so important on her that they still cared about some pony like her?
She didn't deserve them.
Dash was literally broken. It was all so hard to take, to understand. She had wrapped herself in her blanket, trying to order her thoughts.
A knock on her door brought her back to reality.
"Yeah?" She called, the door then opening a little bit.
Spike peeked his head in.
"Dinner is ready."
Dash just nodded and he left her alone again. Time must have flown by faster than her. She frowned.
How am I supposed to get better if I don't even feel hungry?
She sighed and freed herself from the blanket. Only to realize how cold it was.
She made her way to the dining room where Twilight and Spike were waiting for her.
"Blanket?" He whispered to her.
"She must've been cold", Twilight whispered back.
"Twilight. It's the middle of summer."
"Must be her.. fever." Twilight lied.
Dash sat down at the table, already feeling uneasy at being watched. Spike had made her some soup. She figured that either Twilight knew that liquids were easier to get down, or it must have had something to do with the 'fever' that Twilight was whispering about.
Either way, she had to get this down.
Let the battle begin.
It was already hard to bring her hoof up to touch the spoon. She could feel their eyes burning into her. Waiting. Expecting.
The pressure kept on building, anxiety rose inside her.
"What's the matter? You guys always love it when I cook you something!"
Spike almost gave her a heart attack. She tried to stay calm.
"If you keep this up, it's just gonna get cold. Come on, just eat a bit."
Those last words did it. What was left of her already broken soul had shattered into dust.
She leaped up from her chair, her wings flared in full rage.
"DON'T YOU THINK THAT I WOULD 'JUST EAT' IF I COULD ?!"
She wanted to see his face when she noticed something.
"Rainbow, are you alright?!" Twilight called and rushed over to her. Spike was still taken aback and watched in shock as Dash visibly slipped from consciousness.
Twilight came just in time to catch the fainted Pegasus in her hooves.
Author's Note
If you ask me, it's the most upsetting thing to tell someone with an eating disorder to 'just eat'. I mean seriously? Why not tell a cancer patient to 'just be cured'?
