I So Hate Consequences

by FamousLastWords

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Berry Punch, Spike, Princess Celestia, Sex
Length: 4568

Spike tries to rescue Berry Punch from herself... and Celestia.

It was supposed to be a peaceful night of research in the Canterlot archives for Spike. However, a drunk pony sees that it is anything but relaxing.

Will Spike wrangle her in before the castle is destroyed? How'd she end up in the castle in the first place? Will Celestia wake up and deliver the wrath of a poor night's sleep upon them? Is there anything deeper going on behind the scenes?!

The answers to all those questions may or may not be answered in the story.

Art: Epulson

Editing/Prereading: Seventh Heaven and The Nightingale

Teen: Some comically suggestive dialogue and situations.

Published 2016-06-27 00:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-06-27 00:10:01 UTC

Running From You Is What My Best Defense Is

Author's Note

This was a fun little exercise in writing a character I've never actually written before. Yay!

Running From You Is What My Best Defense Is

Spike sat alone in the Canterlot Castle archives. The dim light from the overhead lamp was all that was keeping him awake at one o’clock in the morning on this night. But, he had little choice. Celestia needed research done on the ritual and greeting customs of dragons for her upcoming meeting with Princess Ember, and he was not going to let her down.

Not that he was happy about it, of course.

I can’t believe this. I could be back at my room in Ponyville, sleeping like a baby until the afternoon tomorrow, but no. Here I am, volunteered by Twilight to be Celestia’s research assistant for the whole week. And what do I get? The ‘honor and satisfaction of working side by side with the Princess of Equestria’.

Spike chalked up most of his moodiness to the simple fact that it was late, he’d had a long day and that he was mentally exhausted from eight straight hours of research. He really did enjoy the opportunity to help out Princess Celestia, especially given how rare their time together had been the past few years. But, enjoyable or not, there was a soft blanket and pillow calling his name back home and he could not wait to get back to it as soon as possible.

Spike stretched out his arms and back and let out a deep yawn. “Ermph. Two books and an essay is enough research for tonight. I’ll tell her what I learned tomorrow and just hope for the best.” Spike shut the books in front of him and gathered them into his arms. He’d just put them back in place and head to bed.

Of course, the crazy laws of fate and disparity had a slightly different plan for him.

Spike slowly stepped his way toward the towering shelves in search of the respective locations of the books he had. However, his progress was quickly impeded by the sound he heard just a couple shelves over.

“Where is it?!”

The loud voice echoed throughout the seemingly empty room, followed by a loud crash and the sound of shuffling pages.

“Huh?” Spike said, dropping the books and relying on his night vision to get a better view of his surroundings. “Who’s there?”

His question received no answer, which caused the dragon to be on edge even more. “Whoever you are, I’ll have you know I’m a dragon! And… I’m fierce! And… Trespassing is illegal!”

“Argh, where is it?” The voice rang out again, this time closer.

Spike decided time and caution were of the essence. He crouched down low to the floor. He slowly snaked his way over to the area where the disturbance was coming from. He braced himself for whatever he was about to see. A murderer? A masked pony with evil intent? One of those fabled yet never seen red and black alicorn villains?

What he saw, though, shocked him.

“Wait. Berry Punch? Is that you?” Spike hopped off his claws and rose to his feet. “What are you doing?”

The scene displayed in front of him was nothing if not strange. Berry Punch, generally known as the town drunk, was grabbing every book she could find, opening it, then throwing it to the floor, knocking down shelves and displays in the process.

“Heyo!” She cried aloud. “I’m just looking for my secret book! And I swear, I cannot! Find It! Anywhere!”

Spike tried to take a moment to analyze the situation, but for every second he waited, more books were flying off the shelves and onto the floor. Not to mention, if she kept up the shouting, the guards, and possibly Celestia herself would be flooding the room any second. And wouldn’t that just be a fun situation to deal with at this hour.

Spike moved in closer to Berry Punch and could instantly smell the alcohol on her breath. This was not going to be easy.

“Um, Berry?” Spike ventured. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at home, asleep, like most ponies are this late?”

“No, no no! Sleep is for the weak! I’m on the hunt…” Berry began bobbing her nose up and down, sniffing at all the shelves in front of her. “It’s close. I can taste it.”

Spike cocked an eyebrow in response, unsure what to make of the scene unfolding before him. “What are you looking for, Berry? Maybe I can help you find it.”

Berry dodged her head around in quick motions, surveying for anyone that may or may not be listening in. Once her blurred vision assumed the coast was clear, she leaned into Spike’s ear. “I’m looking for my special book. It’s around my house somewhere, and I know I’ll find it…”

Spike slapped his face with his palm. “But, Berry, this isn’t your home. Your book isn’t here. This is the Canterlot Library. Which just so happens to be closed at the moment for visitation.”

Berry took a step back and looked around. “Oh my gosh, Spike, you might be right! This place seems… different from my home. I didn’t remember having books in the shelves and stuff like this. It’s all very… organized.”

Spike looked around, surveying the damage. “Well, it was organized. And something tells me I’ll have to help pick this up.”

“Hmm…” Berry Punch walked up to Spike. “I’m hungry. Can we go eat? My tummy needs it.”

Spike shook his head and tried to use the moment to gather what had happened so far:

Berry Punch had somehow found her way into the Canterlot Archives, while drunk. Security would probably need a higher budget if this incident was any indication. She was tearing things down and causing general destruction of once sacred and important documents. If she was found in this state with Spike, there would be hell to pay from a very tired Celestia, which would probably make the rest of his week here even more tumultuous than it already was.

He had one choice of action at this point: Hide Berry Punch for the remainder of the night, and explain the situation to her when she came to. If all was good in the universe and he had built up a single ounce of karma with whatever deity was out there, everything would turn out okay.

“Berry, listen to me,” Spike said, gently directing her face toward himself. “Are you listening?”

“Yeah, totes listenin’, there Spike. Loud and clear!” Berry smiled with a wide, toothy grin.

“Food is great! But, we gotta go to bed, alright? It’s late and we really don’t need to wake everyone up. That wouldn’t be very nice, would it?”

“You mean,” Berry sniffled and tried to suppress a tear. “No f-food?”

“No, Berry, there’ll be food! Lots of food!” Spike smiled trying his best to prevent another outburst. “But in the morning, okay? For now, let’s go to my room and try and get some rest, okay?”

“Your room?” Berry said, before sliding her hoof around Spike’s shoulder. “That, hehe, sounds like it could be fun.”

“Huh? No, nothing like that,” Spike said, gently removing her hoof. “We just need to get some sleep, okay? Just sleep.”

Berry frowned “Oh, okay I guess. I guess bed is, hm, it’s okay I guess.”

Her speech began getting sloppier and sloppier. Spike needed to make haste on getting this mare to bed. Someone would notice or he’d be cleaning vomit off the floor before too long. Neither options were particularly pleasant.

“Very good, Berry, not just follow me, alright? I’ll lead the way.” Spike smiled and walked out of the library area, Berry Punch in pursuit. However, within a few steps, she was tripping over her own hooves and wound up at Spike’s feet. A new plan would be necessary.

Spike reached out a claw and grabbed Berry’s hoof, pulling her up to her hooves, or at least as much as he could. “Look, why don’t you just hold my claw, okay, and I’ll lead you there. I don’t really need you risking bodily harm while under my watch.”

“Hmm, I can like, totally do that,” Berry said, batting her eyelids at Spike. “But maybe you just wanna hold my hoof. Is that it?”

Spike sighed and rolled his eyes. “Yeah, that’s totally it if it’ll get you to not break your leg or get lost.”

Berry snorted in laughter and followed Spike closely. They weaved, stumbled and then stumbled some more through the winding corridors that led from the East Wing of the castle to the rooming quarters in the West. Things had actually gone a lot smoother than Spike had planned. Normally, he wouldn’t be comforted by the fact that security was nowhere to be found, but on this particular night, it was a blessing in disguise.

“Alright, here we are, Berry.” Spike let go of her hoof for just a moment to grab the room key he had stashed in his scales. “Alright, give me just a sec to find my key and it’ll be off to bed. Okay, Berry? Hello?”

Spike slowly turned his gaze upward and his worst fears came true.

“And she’s gone…”

To say the mess in front of Spike was a desecration of civilized living as we know it would have been the understatement of the millenia. The kitchen was was wrecked. Food decorated the walls, floors, ceilings; you name it, it looked like a piece of postmodern art. On top of that, tables were tipped over, all the lights were on and at the center of the chaos a magenta mare was head first buried in one of the kitchen’s coolers, tossing more food out by the second.

“Must. Find. Food!” Berry Punch sifted and searched through everything in the royal fridge.

Spike was simply left with his palm once again glued to his face. That was becoming a regular theme of the night, it would appear. “Berry? You alright?”

She flipped her head around momentarily to acknowledge him. “Oh, there you are, Spike! My buddy! Help me find some food, will ya? I need sustenance. I’m gonna, like, erm, I’m totally gonna starve to death!”

Spike took one final look around himself and came to a simple yet concise conclusion.

This was the end.

There was absolutely no way to clean up this mess before someone would notice, and even if he did, there was absolutely no way he could keep tabs on his ‘guest’ while picking up and dodging notice at this point. His only hope of survival was to grab Berry Punch, hide her in his room and just play dumb when the damage was found in the rapidly approaching morning. With any sort of luck, they’d completely ignore him and life would move on like nothing happened. Worse comes to worse, he could make up a story about Berry being his marefriend or something he snuck in. That’d result in a slap on the wrist, but not eternal banishment like interrupting Celestia’s morning breakfast would.

“Berry, no,” Spike said, stamping his foot in the ground and grabbing her hoof. “It’s bed time and you need your sleep.”

“Bed time? NO! I refuse!” She slammed her rump to the floor and shook her head. “Unless I get to sleep next to a sexy dragon like you.”

“Oh for the love of all things holy,” Spike said, shaking his head. “Sure. I’ll even read you a bedtime story if you want. But come on! We gotta go before—”

“What’s going on in here?!”

“—the entire castle finds out about this.”

Spike turned around to see a group of guards standing in a horde around the kitchen door. Their faces were awash with confusion, fear and shock, as anyone would be after seeing perfectly good food splattered about.

“Um, hey there,” Spike said, forcing a nervous smile. “Nothing’s going on. Berry Punch and I were just investigating this mess we found and…”

“Hey guys!” Berry shouted, waving a hoof vigorously at them. “I was hungry and your kitchen sucks! Chips, fries, soda? You got nothin’ in here!”

Spike, for what had to be the trillionth time that night, facepalmed. “Well, this can’t possibly get any worse.”

“Spike. Amadeus. Dragon!”

“Well, crap.”

As if on cue, Celestia walked in. Her once flowing mane was a frazzled mess. Bags seeped underneath her eyes and bunny slippers adorned her hooves. She was just woken up and she was not happy about it.

“When my guards told me a pony and dragon were causing a ruckus in the castle,” Celestia began, locking her gaze with Spike’s, “I assumed you just had one of your friends over and were just getting a late snack. But this… This is outrageous!”

“Celestia, please, there’s really quite a funny story behind this,” Spike said, approaching her.

“Oh really?” Celestia said with a cocked a eyebrow. “Because I’d really love to hear a funny story that involves a drunk pony and a dragon destroying my kitchen and causing untold amounts of cost in labor and food cost. Please, I’m all ears, Spike! Regale me of this tale you find so humorous.”

Spike opened his mouth to begin the story the preceded and led up to the current events, but he was quickly shut up by a particular pink mare latching onto his shoulder and staring in amazement.

“Holy balls, Spike!” Berry said, eyes wide as saucers. “That’s the Princess! Hi Princess! I love you! And I love your slippers, too!”

Celestia stared at her in bewilderment for a brief moment before resorting to rubbing her temples in defeat. “Spike, look. At the risk of my migraine getting any worse than it currently is, please, do something with your friend here that takes her out of harm’s way and deliver a full report to me in the morning. I’m afraid if you told me what was actually happening here, I’d do something I’d have to explain to Twilight later, and I do not need that conversation on my schedule. Are we clear?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Spike said with a nod.

“Aye aye, captain!” Berry screeched, attempting to pose a salute but instead falling on her back in failure.

“Very good. Now, what you do is up to you. But please, keep her out of trouble until tomorrow. In the meantime, I’m going back to bed.”

Spike nodded, grabbed Berry Punch’s hoof and forcefully dragged her out of the kitchen and off to his room.

“Bye, Princess! You rock!” Berry got her last words in before disappearing through the kitchen doors.

“Now,” Celestia said, turning her attention to the guards. “Would someone please explain to me how a drunk off her flanks pony could get through the castle exterior and roam the insides without any of you highly yet questionably trained guards noticing?”

The guards all scratched their hooves on the ground and shrugged their shoulders.

“Well, you see, ma’am,” one of them spoke up. “The Canterlot Colts and the Saddle Arabia Stoics were playing in the hoofball playoffs tonight, as you so wonderfully provisioned us to watch in the break room, and the game went to overtime, so I guess we just lost track of the time.”

“Get out of my sight and get back to your rounds,” Celestia said, thrusting her hoof toward the halls.

Without a second thought, the guards dashed off in all directions, leaving Celestia to make her way back to her chambers on her own.

“Heh, she liked my slippers. I told luna they were cute, but no, she has to be contrary on everything…”

Spike popped open his door, this time keeping Berry in his sight throughout the whole process. He wouldn’t make the same mistake again.

“Alright, Berry, here we are. You can have the bed, if you want.” Spike pointed to the bed in the corner of the room. “You’re gonna need it with the headache you’ll wake up with tomorrow. I’ll just grab an extra set of blankets and sleep on the floor, alright?”

“Hmph, I’m not even tired. I wanna party!” Berry screamed, grabbing spike and dragging him around the room.

“Each,” Spike said, gasping for air. “No, we, ergh, need to go to bed!”

Berry released him from her grasp and frowned. “Fine, be that way, man.” She stumbled over to the bed and hopped on, burrowing into the covers.

Spike shook his head and chuckled. He made his way over to the closet to get some more blankets but was once again interrupted.

“Hey, you, dragon!”

Spike turned his head around to address her. “Yes, pony?”

“There’s totally enough room for the two of us here, on the bed… alone. Just sayin’!” Berry tried her best to pull of a sultry smile, but instead it put on a goofy smile the likes of which Spike had never seen.

“Heh, I appreciate the offer, Berry, but that wouldn’t be the best idea. I’ll be fine on the floor. I promise.”

Berry growled in disappointment and laid her head down. “Whatever you want, dude.”

Before Spike could further his argument, a loud snore emanated from the bed. Spike smiled and grabbed his blankets. He set them up on the ground next to the door, just in case she tried another escape.

“Good night, Berry Punch.”

The sunlight dappled in through the window blinds, littering the ground with its streams of luminescence. Birds chirped and sang happily outside, beckoning on the new day. However, all that was lost on the sleeping dragon on the floor of Canterlot castle.

Spike rustled beneath the blankets he was wrapped up in. He let out a deep, bellowing yawn and stretched out his arms. Unfortunately for him, his path to a perfect stretch was blocked by something. Something… fuzzy and warm.

“What the... Ahh!”

Spike shot up in the air at the sight of a snoozing pony wrapped up in his bed. The pony in question, however, was just beginning to crack her eyes open. Berry Punch rolled onto her back, and let out a deep growl.

“Oh my gosh… my head…” She immediately pulled the covers over her head and snuggled into them. “What happened last night? Argh.”

Spike was properly awake now, and his memory proceeded to jog through the events of the previous night. Archives, drunk pony, kitchen, Celestia, bunny slippers, woke up in bed with drunk pony.

“Berry? Y’alright?” Spike asked, nudging the covers.

“Huh? Who’s there?” Berry Punch was now the one leaping into the air. Her head darted around the room, quickly analyzing her surroundings. “Where am I?” Her eyes then locked with Spike. She switched her vision from Spike to the bed on the floor, back to Spike and back to the bed.

“You don’t remember anything?” Spike asked. “It was a pretty crazy night.”

Berry rubbed her temples in agony before responding. “Spike, what are you doing here? Or maybe I should ask, what am I doing here? Speaking of which, where is here?”

“Oh boy,” Spike said. “First things first, you’re in Canterlot Castle. How you ended up here, that’s anyone’s guess. Now, I’m here because I’m working with Celestia this week. As to why we’re together, that’s a whole different story.”

Berry sighed and collapsed onto the bed. “Can you give me the abbreviated version?”

“You broke into the archives where I was studying, trashed the bookshelves, then trashed the kitchen until Celestia found us and made me watch over you until this morning and you could function as a reputable member of society once more.”

Berry’s eye twitched in response. “You’re not serious. Please, tell me you’re not serious!”

“I really wish I wasn’t,” Spike said. “You kinda created a huge mess that I”m going to have to deal with today. It’s not the end of the world or anything, but… wait, what’s wrong?”

Spike paused at the sight of a fresh flow of tears dripping down her face.

“No, not again…” she whispered. Berry wiped her eyes off with a hoof, but it was to no avail, as the tears kept coming.

“Again?” Spike asked. “You’ve broken into the castle more than once?! We really need some new security detail around here.”

“No! Not that, Spike,” Berry said. “I mean, I’ve had my fair share of TUI’s, but—”

“TUI’s?”

“Trotting under the influence.”

“Ah, gotcha.”

“Anyway,” she continued, “I know we don’t know each other that well, but can I tell you something kinda personal?”

“Uh, sure,” Spike replied, taking a seat on the bed next to her. “I won’t judge you too harshly, I promise.”

“Gee, thanks,” she said, chuckling lightly. “So, I lost my job, yesterday. I worked at the local PonyMart here in Canterlot for a little while, but when I finished my shift yesterday, the boss pull me into his office and says their labor requirements were tightened and they had to let me go. Just like that, I was jobless.”

“Ouch, I’m sorry to hear that,” Spike said.

“Yeah, tell me about it. I’ve got bills to pay and a daughter I’m trying to get back from my parents, and every time I start making progress, something happens. Something completely out of my control!” Berry slammed her hooves on the bed and hung her head. “And then I take two steps back.”

“The alcohol?”

“Yeah, that’s it,” she said. “I had a stable job, my own place, and I hadn’t touched my liquor in weeks. But, of course, all in one day, I manage to blow it all over again.”

Spike scratched his head and searched his head to find something to say. “I’m really sorry, Berry. I don’t really know what it’s like to go through what you’re dealing with, so I’m not really sure what to say.”

“Don’t bother,” she said. “It’s my problem, not yours.”

“Look,” Spike said, lightly rubbing her shoulder. “Life’s not easy. Sometimes it straight up kicks you in the teeth and laughs when you have to go the dentist. But, you gotta keep pushing through. I mean, it’ll never get better if you don’t try making it better, right?”

“I guess…” Berry sighed and looked at Spike. “Just so I know, how bad was I last night? I’m sure I’ll find out when I officially make my presence known to the castle and get put in jail for who knows how long.”

“Pretty bad,” Spike said with a chuckle. “Honestly, the first interaction we had was you literally tearing the archives apart searching for something. If it didn’t affect me personally, I probably would’ve thought it was funny. But then you somehow dragged me into it. What were you searching for, by the way? Do you have any idea at all?”

“Probably the same thing I end up going after every time,” she said.

“Which is?”

“A photo album,” she said, cracking a smile. “A special one. It has the only picture of my family and I in it that I have. Whenever I look at it, it brings me back to real life in a way. Reminds me of what I’m fighting so hard for. Unfortunately, it got misplaced a short ways back when I was reorganizing.”

“Any particular reason you were looking in the Castle archives?” Spike asked. “That’s really sweet, but I’m kinda wondering what brought you all the way over here.”

“Beats me,” she replied. “Last time I was let loose after drinking, I broke into Cheerilee’s classroom and thought she was my long lost twin sister. Who knows how these things work?”

“I would honestly love to see that,” Spike said with a chuckle.

“Heh, yeah, until you get a fine for disorderly conduct,” she replied, stifling a chuckle herself. “Spike, every time I seem to be making progress in life, I do something stupid to mess it up. I mean, dealing with the Princess and paying for whatever damage I caused last night will only be the beginning. It’s gonna be on my record, I’ll have to find another job… It’s just a never-ending spiral.”

“Okay, in all my years of existence, however few those may be, I’ve learned one thing.” Spike hopped up from the bed and faced the distraught mare directly. “Running away and crying about your problems will get you absolutely nowhere. Trust me, I’ve tried. Once upon a time, I nearly destroyed the entire populace of Ponyville in a greed-driven rage. I spent the first bit afterwards moping around, feeling sorry for myself, but you know where that got me?”

“In a lawyer’s office discussing the legal ramifications of your actions?”

“Well, yeah, there was that. But, in the long run, I got nowhere! All moping did was keep me from making progress and moving forward in life.” Spike grabbed Berry’s hooves and pulled her off the bed. “We have a saying in dragon culture. ‘If you waste all your time protecting your favorite gem, you’ll never get any new ones.’ Are you picking up what I’m throwing down here?”

“Not really.”

Spike let out a deep sigh. “Here’s the deal. If you spend your time focusing on the bad and running to your alcohol every time something goes wrong, it’s gonna keep you from making any real steps toward getting things together for yourself. Like, you could already be back out hunting for a job right now, but instead you're talking to a dragon about how your life sucks in the middle of a castle. Make sense?”

Berry nodded. “Yeah, I get where you’re coming from. I just wish it wasn’t so hard all the time.”

“Well of course it's hard,” Spike said. “If it was easy it wouldn’t be called life. You’re pretty much set on the hardcore difficulty level by default when you’re born.”

“Truer words have never been spoken,” Berry laughed out. “I guess you’re right. But, I mean, I don’t really know where to start.”

“Well, if for no other reason than the fact that I’m a nice dragon, I’ll help you. I’ve got to deliver my report to Celestia today, and I don’t think she needs to know all the details. And, with my connections, I think I can find a few places that might need some extra help around town. I can’t just fix your problems, only you can do that, but it’s totally possible, alright?”

“Thanks, Spike.” Berry reached out and wrapped him in a tight hug. “That means a lot to me.”

“No problem,” Spike said. After releasing himself from the hug he turned back to her. “Now, there’s one more order of business.”

“What’s that?”

“You need to join me for breakfast. I’ll make sure everypony knows you’re with me, so you don’t have to worry about anything. It’s waffle day, and you haven’t lived until you’ve tried the chef’s Banana Pecan waffles. So, let’s get washed up and head down there, sound good?”

“Sounds great to me!” She said with a bright smile.

As the two were walking out the room, Berry’s mind travelled to a stray thought.

“Hey, um, Spike?”

“Yeah?”

“We didn’t like, you know…” She pointed her hoof at the bed they were both sleeping in on the floor.

“Nah, I would’ve remembered… I hope.”