You're a Lesbian, Rainbow Dash
You're a Lesbian, Rainbow Dash
You're a Lesbian, Rainbow Dash
If you do not expect the unexpected, then you will not find it. It is not to be reached by search nor trail.
~Heraclitus
Repetition is a real bitch.
It's only equine nature to take things for granted. Ponies as a whole like to find a pattern in life and stick to it, expecting that the things they've experienced a hundred times before are likely to happen again. Ponies come to expect a certain level of consistency in their lives, and that notion is only reinforced by the inane order that it receives from day to day.
Ponies are certain that Celestia will raise the sun tomorrow, or that the light will flicker on if they flip the switch. They expect that putting their hooves on a lit stove is going to be goddamn horrifying or that confusing a self-conscious stallion for a mare will result in a stinging slap. Most ponies expect to be well treated when they walk into a five star restaurant with the bits to pay, and they're usually right.
Such things carry over into specific relationships in day-to-day life experiences. The citizens of Ponyville assume that Applejack will take an apple over an orange for lunch, or for Derpy Hooves to take a muffin over a slice of toast. (Though admittedly she does enjoy a good bite of toast when the muffins run out.) Everpony expects to find Twilight Sparkle wide awake and studying for whatever upcoming national crisis or public event that's about to transpire throughout the early hours of the morning, and everypony expects Rainbow Dash to be competing with Derpy for the title of National Champion of the Unofficial Collateral Damage Committee. (NCotUCDCo for short.)
All of these things make a certain amount of sense, considering the insanely repetitive nature of such things. Expecting Pinkie Pie to acknowledge the existence of diabetes is about as sane as expecting Discord to suddenly become an OCD neat freak or for Rainbow Dash to fly in the slow lane. There's certainly a big, comfy bounce house somewhere equipped with dart guns dripping tranquilizers set aside for such heretics.
Of course, when somepony gets so used to following a predictable schedule from day to day, they soon find themselves surprised when their day doesn't follow its charted course. That, my friends, is called the 'unexpected' and is dubbed as such for a reason. On one fine day in Ponyville, somepony did just that.
Like every other day for the past twelve hundred and fifty six days since Twilight moved to Ponyville, the lavender mare found herself waking up to the sound of somepony crying out in indignation as her colorful friend Rainbow Dash plowed her way through one of their windows. She let out a pleasant sigh as she rejoiced in it not being her turn that day. She quietly slipped out of bed and tiptoed her way past her young assistant to the restroom.
Like every other day for the past twelve hundred and fifty six days, Twilight made sure to brush her teeth the arbitrary fifty seven strokes that she did every morning to ensure that there wasn't a speck of anything unwholesome that had magically appeared from the time she'd brushed her teeth in fifty seven strokes the night before. Satisfied that she'd reached said count, the young mare trotted out of the room to find something else to occupy her overly obsessive-compulsive mind. Unfortunately for her poor pantry, breakfast was the first thing that came to mind.
"A healthy and well-balanced diet is paramount for living a long and successful life," Twilight idly quoted from her imaginary notebook as she levitated a carton of eggs out of the refrigerator. "A mare cannot live on bread alone, after all!"
Her horn shimmered brightly as she went about making the same exact breakfast she'd produced every Tuesday morning for the last three years running. She followed the same steps and mindless, repetitive procedure to make herself the same exact omelette that she'd crafted for herself a thousand times before. Why learn to cook something else when all of the nutrients she needed were wrapped up in such a neatly folded piece of egg shit?
She knew that it was a Tuesday because her marefriend wasn't home. She knew it was Tuesday because it was taxes day. And most of all, she knew it was a Tuesday because the calendar on the wall fucking said so.
The mare was just about to pour herself a cup of coffee when the sound of shattering glass interrupted her. Was it too much to ask for a single day without Rainbow bashing her way through a window? No? With a sigh, the lavender goddess got off her squishy purple butt and drifted over to the library commons to reprimand her marefriend.
"Rainbow Dash, how many times do I have to tell you--Mmph!"
And like always, the blue pegasus quickly silenced her with a heated kiss. Damn if that mare couldn't shut her up.
"Rainbow!" Twilight panted as they parted. She looked at the mildly pretty mare she'd been using as her royal fucktoy for the last few months, and she couldn't stay mad at her. Maybe it was that dorky grin or the way her rainbow colored mop glinted off of the sun, but she couldn't help herself.
"Hey, babe," Rainbow said, pulling her in for a hug. "You know what day it is, right?"
Twilight grinned. She loved schedules, and she always marked Tuesday as the best day of the week. After she'd get done screwing around with taxes, she could move into screwing around by another definition with the most masculine mare she'd ever met.
"Oh, you know it!"
"Great!" Rainbow said, hovering towards the door. "Tonight at six?"
"Like always!" Twilight replied with a friendly giggle. "We'll bang like only lesbians know how to bang."
"Yeah!" Rainbow said before turning towards the door. Then she stopped.
"Is something the matter, Rainbow?" Twilight asked.
"N-no. It's just that last bit you said."
"Is something the matter?"
"No, before that."
Twilight had to think for a moment. "We'll bang like only lesbians know how to bang?"
"Yeah, that's the ticket." Rainbow sat down on her skinny little plot, putting a hoof to her chin. "I've never heard it put like that before. Isn't it a bit, y'know, rude?"
"Not really," Twilight pondered. "I mean we are lesbians and all, so it really shouldn't matter if--"
"Woah, woah, woah!" Rainbow interrupted. "What's this about being lesbians?"
Twilight looked confused. "Well, I mean we've been beating each others meat for months now, so..."
"Yeah, but what does that have to do with being lesbians?"
"Well, Dash, you do know that when you find another mare sexually attractive and you start doing things with her, that makes you one, right?"
"Nuh-uh!" Rainbow responded with her flawless logic. "My mother always told me that lesbians were horrible ponies that should burn in Tartarus for their unforgivable sins!"
Twilight gasped. "Rainbow, I'm pretty sure that she meant--"
"Twilight, tell me something. Are you a horrible pony?"
"Well, no, but--"
"Am I a horrible pony?"
"Of course not!"
Rainbow jumped to her hooves with a smug look. "You see?! Then we're not lesbians."
Twilight groaned. Sometimes Rainbow Dash could border on the profound with her simplistic morals. This wasn't one of those times.
"Rainbow Dash," she said as calmly as she could muster. "You're fucking retarded."
"..."
"And a lesbian."
"..."
"..."
"I need to go...take a shower with Tank!" Rainbow suddenly cried out before shattering another window on her way out. Twilight stared at the hole, and she found herself worried. What if Rainbow Dash really did have a problem with lesbianism and just didn't understand that she'd been doing it? That didn't bode well. Still, Twilight often found solace in the written word, and she did live in a conveniently well stocked library. With a quick glance at her special reading chair, she sighed.
"Oh fuck it."
- I -
A very panicked Rainbow Dash flew towards Fluttershy's cottage. Well, the word 'flew' is kinda disingenuous. She more of tumbled head over hooves through the air to get there, scattering shockwaves of pegasus magic flying around along the way that helped form little cloud monsters who then proceeded to eat one other.
It was beautiful.
The front door to Fluttershy's domicile slammed open with a burst of compressed air as Rainbow Dash shoved her way in upside down, shattering a vase or two along the way. Fluttershy looked up from her table, so nonplussed that she said the first thing that came to mind.
"When I said you should really come over to our tea-time, Rainbow, I didn't mean like this."
Rainbow Dash came to an abrupt stop when she plowed into the nearby staircase. If it weren't for her genetically resilient body, she'd probably have shattered every bone in her body. Not that she hadn't managed to do so in the past.
"Uh...hi, Fluttershy!" Rainbow screamed at the top of her lungs. "How's it going?!"
"..."
"..."
"..."
A few more moments of awkward silence passed between the two as they both waited for the other to break the tension. Fortunately for both of them, draconequii are really resilient to reality's bullshit, and there just so happened to be one in the room.
"Oh bother, Rainbow Dash!" Discord said, facepalming with a dragon claw. "My dear Fluttershy and I only get to have tea-time together once a week and you chose to barge in, uninvited might I add, at just that time." The mutant chimera crossed his arms in disdain. "Really, I swear that the rest of you don't want to be friends."
Rainbow Dash shook her her head to clear away her blunt force trauma (somehow) before responding. "I need Fluttershy's help," she said, shakily rising to her hooves. "So I was making out with Twilight earlier and she called me a lesbian."
"Oh boy," Discord said.
"Yeah, I know right?" Rainbow Dash smirked. "So I was like 'I'm not a lesbian, Twilight'. And for some reason, she seemed weirded out! I mean, I don't know what a lesbian is but my mother told me never to be one and I promised her not to be one and I hear that they're really bad ponies and I'm not a really badponyandIswearI'mnotpanickingoranythinglikethatandI'msorrybutIcan'tpossiblybeinalesbomanticrelationship!"
It took a moment for even Discord to decipher Rainbow's blatant gibberish, but four years of study at the collegiate level had helped and he was rather quick to respond.
"Rainbow, my dear, there's something about you that apparently everypony but you has known since they've known you." Discord took another sip of his tea before staring straight into Rainbow Dash's eye. "You're a lesbian, Rainbow Dash."
The sky blue pegasus felt her mind shatter. Sure, it was easy enough to tell herself one pony was lying to her, especially if it's a princess. But to have a demigod tell you the same thing? No. She knew deep down that he was telling her the truth.
"N-no..."
"It's alright, Rainbow," Discord said, wrapping his long tail around her without even having to get out of his chair. "Many mares are lesbians. There's no shame in it."
"No! It's not true! That's impossible!" Rainbow shouted in denial.
"Search your heart, Rainbow Dash. You know that it's true."
And just like that, Fluttershy was given a new skylight. Not that she'd really asked for it, but a bit of glass and some nifty trim would make it look good. Besides, some of her animal friends really liked wide open spaces, and Rainbow's free renovation could come in handy.
"Oh bother."
- II -
There's a secret to breaking the sound barrier that most pegasi never could quite grasp. Rainbow Dash didn't really know why, though. All she had to do was smash the air wall with her thick skull with enough force to shatter concrete and she could easily slip past it. It's not that complicated.
The air felt itself being violated as Rainbow Dash soared about Ponyville. She had a hard time thinking without the air currents under her wings. There's something about feeling the very atmosphere slip between her sensitive feathers that made her smile...
Oh fuck it.
She had to face it sooner or later. Her best friend was probably still staring at that empty spot by the door, and she wasn't going to just leave her hanging. She was Loyalty, for fuck's sake, and she'd better damn well earn it!
With a burst of sudden speed, Rainbow Dash flew down towards Ponyville proper. She didn't even bother slowing on her descent towards the Golden Oaks library, and it took her less than a second to spot a nearby open window to pass through.
The sharp feeling of glass leaving scratches along her flank reminded her that most of the windows that looked open when flying quickly probably aren't.
"Rainbow Dash!" Twilight shouted, hopping up from her seat in that absurdly large reading chair she liked to sit in. "What did I tell you about flying and windows?"
Rainbow smirked. Cute as always. Maybe it was time for her to stop worrying about this whole lesbian thing about a fucking Rainbow instead. Because that's two things she could get behind. Fucking and rainbows. Preferably in the same sentence.
"Hey Twilight, I thought about what you said."
The purple mare's expression changed from annoyance to self doubt. Rainbow could see that hopeful yet timid look in her eyes, and she made her move. She was a mare of speed and letting this drag out really wasn't her style.
"Rainb--"
Twilight was cut off with a sudden, passionate kiss. Rainbow could feel the mare shudder under her touch, and she wrapped her wings around her. The close contact felt good, and she wouldn't trade it for anything else. When Rainbow pulled back, she found Twilight beaming.
"Twilight Sparkle, I don't really know what this whole lesbian thing is, and honestly I don't give a shit." Rainbow smiled. "As long as I'm your mare, and you're mine, it doesn't really matter."
And for the briefest moment, the two locked eyes.
And then they fucked.
Hard.
- Fin -
