Equestria's Suicide Squad

by Sdrawkcabsitxetsiht

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Random
Length: 2586

A pair of swindling salesponies, an exploitive talent manager, a brutish dragon, a dishonorably discharged Wonderbolt, a devious doctor and a malevolent beast must take action when an old foe suddenly threatens all of Equestria.

Extra Character Tags: Wind Rider, Svengallop, Garble, Queen Chrysalis, Changelings and Dr. Cabelleron.

Story based on DC Comics's Suicide Squad.

Discord catches wind of a threat looming to strike against Equestria. His solution? To assemble a special forces team of his very own, whose ranks feature the non-reformed antagonists of Equestria. Their mission? Literally travel to Tartarus and back to stop Queen Chrysalis's evil scheme, hopefully learning about friendship along the way. Kept in line by hazardous amulets strapped to their necks, the team is deployed on a mission only they can accomplish.

With one day to complete their task, the disgruntled recruits all harbor doubts: Can they put their differences aside for the greater good, and even learn friendship out of it? Will they even survive the mission?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-29 21:19:30 UTC

Welcome to Task Force E

Doctor Cabelleron abruptly awoke.

His eyes slid open, revealing his surroundings.

He lie sprawled on a floor of what appeared to be the typical household's kitchen. The room was composed of a sink placed beneath a windowsill, and a green floor that trailed out the door's threshold. Strangely, looking out the window displayed a black sky, with waves of purple and blue sewn across it. Suddenly catching a glance upward, he noted that the usual checkered floor served as the ceiling.

Cabelleron attempted to curl a foreleg, but he found his legs bound together with ropes.

As he twisted himself in a futile escape method, he grunted, before finally going still.

"Where am I?"

It was then he noticed the others.

"Who are all of you?"

Four other ponies were strewn across the "floor." They each squirmed and recycled Cabelleron's questions. A dragon with red scales and orange spines sat against the wall, with long thick chains looped across his chest. His yellow reptilian eyes centered on a rope knotted around his snout. The dragon's brows furrowed as he squirmed. Out of the corner of his eye, Cabelleron spotted a much larger figure.

"Cabelleron! Is that you?" A hiss escaped from the other side of the room.

The doctor caught his next breath as he adjusted to face the beast; his one-time accomplice sat with chains cuffed across his arms, glowering at him with narrowed yellow eyes.

"Ahuizotl? What happened? How did we end up here? Who are these ponies?" The pry for answers came quickly.

"This wasn't exactly how we envisioned the transaction going." One of the two unicorn twins sat up. He wore a pinstripe blue shirt, a straw hat with a band, and shared his brother's cream-colored coat and orange and white striped mane. An orange mustache hung from his face, while his brother's was bare.

"Such a shame, Flam! He was just about to sign the contract!" The other twin lamented. "Hey, where are we?" The two caught sight of Cabelleron and Ahuizotl, all while the dragon sat against the wall, grimacing.

The exchange was halted when an older stallion shuffled. He wore a navy flight jacket and a muddled white scarf. His faded grey mane wilted onto his face.

His face molded into discombobulation. "What in the world is going on here?"

It was then the creature danced into the room. Some of them mistook it for a chimera, but most knew who it was. The creature's long body composed of varying animal limbs shoved some of them in a state of apprehension.

"Rise and shine, sleepyheads!" It spoke.

"Oh, no. It's Discord." A new voice whispered. Its owner was a white-coated stallion, whose pink poofy mane bounced atop his head. He was clad in a tailored navy blue suit with a long red tie trailing downward. A pair of spectacles rested upon his muzzle.

"That's right, Mister... Svengallop, is it?" Discord craned his neck toward the shivering stallion. "Anyway, not all of you may know me. I'm Discord, master of chaos." The claws on his right paw snapped, and a glass of brown liquid surfaced with a flash of light in his grasp. He tipped the edge into his mouth until it had emptied. Tossing the glass over his shoulder out the window, a rumble sounded in the distance. "I certainly know who all of you are." He smiled.

He lifted his talons, and snapped two of them together. Instantly, all of their restraints vanished in a burst of light.

"You're probably wondering why I've gathered you all here tonight. I'm here to discuss with you all a very important matter."

"What could possibly be so important for you to foalnap us all?" Svengallop squawked.

Discord raised a curled paw to his mouth and cleared his throat. He scowled at the stallion.

"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, you're all here to be a part of my very own special forces team, Task Force E!" He spoke with a broad smile, which literally rotated upside down when the dragon scoffed, "No thanks."

"This team is a special initiative, developed to find some use out of you bad eggs." Discord folded his arms.

"And what if I don't want to join your little secret clubhouse?" Garble asked scornfully. The others turned to stare.

"Oh, Garble. You remind me of me before I was reformed. See, you're going to join my little secret clubhouse because of the amulet on your neck."

"What? What are you-" Garble twisted his neck and spotted it. Indeed, an amulet was firmly secured by thin wire, pressed against his scales. Garble's claws couldn't pry the thing away, nor even get a grip on it. The amulet was a fine emerald bordered by grey metal. The others instinctively reached for their necks, to discover they also had their own amulets.

"Don't bother trying to take it off. It's magically bound to you. Step out of line on the mission, run away, or even step on a bug without orders, that amulet will activate." Discord stated.

"Oh yeah? What's it gonna do? Turn me into a frog?"

"Perhaps. I actually don't know what it does, but all I know is that it'll be as chaotic as possible."

"How do I know you're not lying?"

"Would you like to try me?" Discord grinned smugly. Garble watched in horror as his amulet reverted to a red color. It gradually began to grow brighter.

Garble sighed, leaning against the wall. He folded his arms. "Okay fine, I'll join your team."

"Oh, goodie!" Discord sprung with joy. Garble rolled his eyes as his amulet turned green again.

"What exactly do you require from us, Discord?" Flam raised an eyebrow as Flim nodded in agreement.

"I'm glad you asked." Discord paced in front of them as he delivered the briefing. "You're all antagonists who I've painstakingly gathered to engage in impossible missions. Your first mission is quite the task. You're all going to break into Tartarus."

The group exploded with their chatter.

"What? Is that even possible?" Ahuizotl's eyes widened.

"No way!" Garble shot back.

"Tartarus?" The old stallion whispered.

A murmur escaped from Svengallop, but it went unheard. "I'm not so sure... about that..."

"Yep yep yep!" Discord nodded. "It's quite a long story really. A while back I attempted to befriend a certain changeling queen, as a way to see if I could use her magic for good, instead of evil. However, things didn't quite work out. Just before she disappeared, she warned me that her and her changelings would strike again, but with extra help this time around. I stayed up all night wondering what she meant, when it hit me: There was only one villain left with enough power to take on Equestria."

"You don't mean..." Flim started.

"Lord Tirek?" Flam finished.

"That's right! Now, I know Tirek is still imprisoned in Tartarus, but I also know that Chryssy's probably mustered the power to sneak past the mutt at the gate to waltz in and snatch him up. I need you all to reach Tirek before she does. They've got enough magic to pump him full of power, and I have reason to believe that the changelings will strike very soon."

Cabelleron questioned, "And why would that be?"

Discord replied, "Well, duh! Tomorrow night is only the biggest night of the year!"

"And tomorrow is..?" Cabelleron cocked his head, along with some of the others.

"Tomorrow is the Grand Galloping Gala. It's a really fancy ball in Canterlot. All of Equestria usually shows up." The old stallion cut in to answer the question.

Discord shot a wink and grin in his direction. "Thanks, Wind Rider, you old codger, you."

"Anyway, after you get a hold of Tirek, use this extraction spell to steal his extreme magic vacuum powers and form a vial." He tossed a scroll and a saddlebag at Flim and Flam, the only two unicorns in the room. Flim donned the cloth bag and stuffed the scroll away.

"And then, when Chrysalis waltzes into Tartarus to find him, you'll use Tirek's magic to depower her and whoever else is with her, and escape Tartarus, leaving those two malefactors where they belong. Any questions?" He held up a balled paw with a single claw sticking upward.

Svengallop initially rose his hoof and opened his mouth, but Discord simply said, "Good! Now, I've arranged for you all to stay in a rather exquisite suite in Canterlot for the night. You've got quite the day ahead of you!" With another snap of his claws, a flash of light produced large bundles of cloth on each of the members' backs. They recognized the newfound objects as parachutes, yet the question in their minds was mutual: What do we need these for?

Cabelleron turned his gaze up toward Discord. "If this was such a priority, could you have not done this yourself?"

"What, and ruin the plot?" Discord overemphasized his shrug. The others turned to each other in confusion.

"But in all seriousness, if I did do this myself, none of you would learn anything!"

His eagle talons suddenly arose, before two of them snapped. When they did, a swirling green vortex materialized in the back of the room. Discord put his balled hands to his hips and smiled proudly.

Discord watched with a grin as they were each propelled through the interdimensional threshold. When the Cabelleron fellow finally got slurped through, the portal sealed.

Getting Acquainted

Svengallop couldn't possibly comprehend why he or his teammates were granted parachutes. In a rushed transition, they'd all been dumped through a vortex to Celestia-knows where. Now, as they had reached the opposite end, he understood the purpose of the "gifts".

Their drop-off was located a thousand feet above ground.

Svengallop gasped as he saw Equestria beneath. Dozens of tiny lights from buildings and more dotted the ground under Luna's moon. He gulped.

Equestria looks so small from up here.

His thoughts were torn away when the old stallion dropped onto him, forcing him below. Suddenly, he heard the wind all around him howl as his fall picked up speed. He watched Wind Rider simply open his wings and dive downward. The dragon followed suit.

Svengallop grasped the cord as the others pulled theirs, sprouting green patchwork parachutes from the bundles. They dangled through the air. The stallion yanked his own cord, yet there was no response from his saddlebag.

"No, no!" He squawked, frantically repeating the movement. He stared down to the ground below, which slowly grew closer each passing second. The air surrounding him raised its pitch.

He curled himself up and shut his eyes, forcing his tears to stream upward. He braced.

Suddenly coming to a stop, he felt himself glide to the ground. Opening one eye, he saw he was in the forelegs of the old stallion.

"Hang on now, I gotcha..." The old stallion mumbled as he set him down.

Others had landed, emerging from their green canopies.

"I would not want to do that again, Flam." Flim said to his brother.

"Oh, come now. I'm sure we've done worse things." He replied.

Wind Rider shook his head. "You guys think that's bad? I flew a record distance for the Wonderbolts for years. Don't cry to me about a simple drop."

Something massive rumbled from behind them. Turning to look, they saw Ahuizotl. His parachute had also failed, but he merely had a jumbled row of garbage cans to break his fall. The beast let out a low snarl.

"A simple drop, huh?" Flam asked.

The beast pulled himself from the heap of metal and garbage.

"Curse you, Discord." He growled. "I absolutely loathe him and this plan."

Cabelleron spoke. "I would imagine we all do. But we have to get moving."

The doctor trotted ahead of the group, and they soon began to follow.

"There it is." Flim pointed a hoof to the suite.

"How can you be sure?" Cabelleron asked.

The suite was decorated with a sign reading "CLOSED FOR SUPER-SECRET TASK FORCE HIDEOUT" on the front window and several bright balloons tied to the mailbox.

"A lucky guess, perhaps." Flam smiled.

Pushing past the revolving door revealed an elegant lobby. The hotel's architecture was regal in its design, as well as thoroughly mended and clean. Floors were polished, much like the wooden furniture arranged in the room. They moved toward a polished wooden counter.

"Wow, this is the best suite bits can buy." Wind Rider gasped. "You'd have to practically be royalty to stay here."

"I've never been in a place like this." Cabelleron added, examining the suite's details which had won over every critic in the newspaper.

"Meh. I've seen better." Garble dismissed.

Flim raised a hoof and tapped the bell. Its quiet ring was ever present in the empty lobby.

"Well, it's midnight. Way past my bedtime. I'd already taken my pills anyway... before I was foalnapped." Wind Rider swiped a key from the counter and walked off.

Flim and Flam moved toward a vacant table, which was the site of an incomplete game. Flat strips of paper featuring red and black littered the table, and circular chips were stacked atop one another in piles.

"I say, Flam! Let's have a hoof!" Flim grinned.  The two dashed to the table and began to resume the poker game.

"Very well." His brother accepted this as his horn's magic arranged his cards into a fan. "Anypony else in?" He called.

Cabelleron shrugged.

"Might as well. I've got nothing to lose."  He walked over to the game.

"Oh, now that sounds like a smart idea. Play a poker game with you two?" Svengallop walked off.

"What about you, Ahuizotl?" Cabelleron asked the beast.

"I shall need further emphasis of this game's rules." He himself moved to the table and seized his cards.

It was then they all looked toward Garble. The dragon stood with his arms crossed, facing the wall.

"You playing, or what?" One called.

"Yeah, that's rich. Yeah, I'll play a lame pony game." He laughed and walked off.

Svengallop strolled along the deserted hallway in search of his room. He'd taken a key before heading upstairs.

He passed a door labelled "STORAGE" and continued along, but then he heard a small thump behind the door. A chair was propped up against the handle.

Grabbing the handle and pulling the door open, he gasped.

"MMMM! MMMM!" A maid begged through the cloth across her mouth. The ropes were tightened against her black and white uniform. A white coated, blue-maned unicorn who Svengallop knew was none other than Fancy Pants, echoed the maid's sounds. Bundled up were many staff members, guests-

He slammed the door shut, pulling the chair back in its original position.

"Good on you, keeping that closed." The voice of the old stallion startled him.

Svengallop turned. The old stallion had found a room right across from the storage closet.

"It's not a nice thing to do, not at all. But if we let 'em go, they'll go rat us out and get us all blown up." He said. Svengallop remembered the amulets on their necks and shuddered.

Svengallop spoke. "I just wanted to thank you for... well, saving my life. I should have expected Discord to do something like that."

Wind Rider's eyes didn't leave the mirror on the room's wall.

"Yeah well, I'm a Wonderbolt veteran." He said.

"It's what we do."