Three Rednecks Take Manehattan
The three rednecks stared down at the three-dimensional map of Equestria. In particular, they were looking at a place on the east coast of the continent. Two large cutie marks hovered above the city of Manehattan. One belonged to Applejack and the other to Rarity. But below those two symbols were a trio of smaller more ephemeral cutie marks: one was a Bible, another was a can of beer, and the third was a bottle of Pepto-Bismol.
Jeff Foxworthy laughed. “Jeez, Larry, I didn’t think you used the pink crap that much.”
Larry the Cable Guy glared at his friend. “Hey, that stuff has kept my guts from combusting more than once. Plus it has a thousand and one uses. When was the last time you’ve seen me with a skeeter bite?”
Bill Engvall closed his eyes and sent a prayer to the heavens. “Lord, you know I love you, and I know that you love me. But why are you sending me to Redneck Hell with two ponies and two morons? Whatever I’ve done to deserve this, I am well and truly sorry for doing it.”
“Oh, don’t be such a drama queen, darling. Applejack and I are perfectly capable of handling this friendship issue without the . . . services of you three.”
Jeff nodded. “Sounds good to me. Come on boys. Let’s get back to the trailer, crack open some cold ones, and finish up ‘Fast & Loud.’”
As soon as Foxworthy said those words, the three human cutie marks faded and nearly disappeared altogether.
“Wait!” yelled Twilight. “The map has called the five of you together to solve this friendship crises. It has never been wrong before.”
Applejack rubbed the back of her neck nervously. “Uh, sugar cube, I know this map has been spot on about everything so far, but I see where the guys are coming from. We’re not exactly city folk, but if the map wants us to go, I say we go.”
Twilight smiled. She knew she could depend on the work horse for anything.
“Hey Twi, why don’t you go instead of us three?” suggested Bill. “With that magic of yours, you could solve this mess quicker than a heart attack.”
The alicorn sighed. “I can’t. The map called you, not me.”
“But . . .” Bill started to say.
“No ‘Buts,’ Bill,” said Twilight. “You five are the best-suited to handle this problem, whatever it is. If I go, I could make things worse.” Twilight took a calming breath. “I’m not going to make anypony or anyone do something they are not comfortable with. No matter what any of you decide, we are all friends and will still be friends.” The alicorn looked at each of the rednecks in turn. “So I am asking you, as one friend to another, to go and help somepony who needs you.”
Larry motioned to his fellow humans to huddle up. “Okay guys. How the hell can we say no to that? Did you see her eyes? I don’t know about you fellars, but she could guilt trip me into castrating myself if she wanted to.”
Jeff sighed. “Yeah, she’s got us by the balls on this one. We can’t say no. If we back out and sit around drinking beer all day, we’d look like total dicks.”
Bill nodded. “Okay then. Brace yourselves boys. We’re going to the big crapple.”
As one the three humans broke the huddle. “We’re in,” announced Engvall.
And with that, the three smaller cutie marks shined just as brilliantly as their larger cousins.
“Yee Ha, that’s the spirit!” cried Applejack.
Breathing a sigh of relief, Twilight said, “Thank you. I knew I could count on you three.”
Rarity rolled her eyes. “Oh, this is going to be fun. I hope this problem doesn’t involve table manners or personal hygiene.
* * * * * * * * * * *
“Hey, this place ain’t so bad!” declared Larry as he roamed the streets of Manehattan with his friends.
“Isn’t so bad, darling. Mind your grammar. Besides, this city is fabulous. The sights, the sounds, the smells, the ponies. There is no other place like it in all of Equestria.”
“Thank God,” mumbled Bill.
“I heard that!” declared the fashionista. “Since you three are here, it wouldn’t hurt for you to receive some urban culture. Oh, where to start? There are just so many choices.”
“Rarity, we’re not here for sightseeing. We’re here because somepony needs our help,” Applejack said, a little too tersely. The country mare was very nervous. The humans had the advantage of towering over everypony else, causing the Manehattaners to avoid the tall bipeds. And Rarity was used to the city life. In fact, she reveled in it. Applejack unfortunately had none of those advantages.
“You okay, A.J.?” asked Jeff. “You look like you just saw Larry take his shirt off. Whew, now that’s a sight that would make Discord puke.”
The earthpony smiled. “Naw, I’m alright. I just ain’t used to all this rushing about every which way.”
The Cable Guy waved off the work horse’s comment. “Shoot, this ain’t no big deal. You just gotta be confident, step lively, and lead with your chin. Come on. It’s our turn to cross the street.”
“Larry, look out!” screamed Engvall. But he was too late. A speeding carriage ran over the redneck’s sandaled foot.
The fat human howled in pain as he hopped up and down on one foot in the middle of the road. “Funky, ass loving, skanky yankee, piece of #^&$ pie, ------.” The expletives went on and on. The Cable Guy was causing such a ruckus that traffic had stopped allowing his friends to help him to the other side of the street. Rarity had turned crimson with embarrassment and tried to shield her face with her mane.
“Are you insane? That walk light was as red as a Communist eating a cherry popsicle,” said Jeff.
“Bull crap!” yelled Larry. “The light was green.”
“I hate to say this, sugar cube, but that green light was for the wagons, not us,” Applejack replied slowly.
Before Larry could let loose another round of swearing, a pony galloped up to the group. “Oh, you poor thing. I am so sorry. I was in the cart that ran over your foot. Are you hurt? Oh dear. Let’s get you to my apartment. It’s not far away. Can you walk?”
Rarity’s breath caught in her throat. “Coco Pommel, oh darling. It’s wonderful to see you again.”
After giving her friend a hug, Coco looked at the fashionista curiously. “It’s good to see you, too. What brings you to the city? Are you here for another fashion show? I think the next one is two weeks from now.”
“Well, no. My friends and I are here to fix a friendship crises.”
“Friendship crises?” Coco repeated.
“Uh, ladies, in case you haven’t noticed, there’s a twelve hundred pound man-whale in the middle of the sidewalk attracting all sorts of attention. Can we talk later?” asked Bill.
“Right,” said Coco. “Follow me.”
* * * * * * * * * * *
After downing a disgusting concoction of Pepto-Bismol, pain-killers, and apple juice, Larry muttered something about a light being green and slipped into dreamland.
While the large human slept, a doctor was called to examine his leg. As the care-giver worked, the two ponies and rednecks talked.
“So let me get this straight, Ms. Coco. You’re putting together a play in a huge park all by yourself while trying to spiffy up outfits for another show going on in town?” Jeff shook his head. “Damn, that makes me want to sit down and cry just thinking about it.”
Coco nodded. “I’ve been pretty busy with the costumes for the Bridleway Show. But the problem is I haven’t even begun to work on the Midsummer Theatre Revival. There’s just so much to do. I don’t even know where to start. Nopony has replied to my flyers, and the Method Mares are supposed to be here tomorrow for a costume fitting, which I also don’t have ready.”
Seeing the poor mare was close to hysterics, Bill spoke up. “Well you’re in luck ma’am. When it comes to doing stuff no one else wants to do, other than a Mexican, a redneck is the next best thing. What can we do to help?”
Coco looked up at the humans and asked, “Really? You’d do that for me? I don’t even know you.”
“Honey, how long ago did you put out those flyers?” asked Jeff.
“About two weeks ago.”
“And not a single pony has offered to help?” pressed Foxworthy.
The tired mare sighed, “No.”
“Then something is wrong. And I don’t think it’s because we’re in a city full of Yankees either, although that probably doesn’t help.”
Rarity nodded. “I agree . . . I think, I’m not sure what a Yankee is. But, Mr. Foxworthy is right about this situation. It is intolerable, and we won’t stand for it. I’ll help you finish the costumes for My Fair Filly and the revival while Applejack and the boys get the park ready.”
Applejack smiled confidently. “Yes, sir. This is why the map called us here. There ain’t nothing a few country folks can’t fix.”
* * * * * * * * * * *
“Oh. My. God.” Engvall said dumbfounded.
The redneck was staring at the horribly neglected park in the center of Manehattan.
Jeff rubbed his moustache. “Okay, the way I see it, we got two options here. We get a magnifying glass and ‘accidentally’ start a fire to burn down this jungle. Or, we go to the local prison, borrow some of the inmates, and give them sharp objects to help clear this stretch of Cambodian rainforest.”
“Don’t we have to pay the prisoners something?” asked Bill. “I already had my colonoscopy. I ain’t goin down this road unless I have to.”
Foxworthy shook his head. “Naw, I was thinking that would be plan B. With plan A, we just blame Celestia for lining up the sun with our ant fryer.”
“What the hay are you two talking about?” yelled Applejack. “We can do this. The map wouldn’t send us here if we couldn’t. And I ain’t gonna let Coco down, so get moving. The Method Mares are gonna be here soon.”
“I wish my foot was busted so my fat ass could be in an air-conditioned building drinking tea and eating sandwiches,” Bill muttered as he walked behind a light push-reel mower.
Hours later, Rarity, Coco, and Larry came to the park to check on their friends.
“Oh, my!” marveled Rarity. “Those three have worked wonders. This park looks so much better.”
Larry was more critical. “I don’t know. It still looks like a place I’d live. I mean those bushes over there look like they could eat somebody. The grass up there is tall enough to hide an entire platoon of North Koreans. And . . .”
“We get it! We’re not done yet!” yelled Applejack walking out of the tall grass followed by the two other rednecks. All three of the park workers were exhausted and dirty.
Coco waved them over. “Come over here and rest under the trees. We brought you a picnic.”
The landscapers collapsed in the shade and began to drink and eat with gusto.
Jeff eyed Larry’s foot. There wasn’t even a scratch where the wagon had run over it.
“How’s your foot?”
“It’s great. The doc healed it right up with his magic when I was sleeping. Now I know what y’all are thinking. Rarity and Coco did say I should go straight to you guys when I woke up and found out that my foot was okay. But on the way, I found this one old boy pedaling hats on the side, so I . . .”
“You son of a bi---,” Bill stopped himself, not wanting to swear in front of the ladies. “We were sweating our balls off out here while you were fu----- screwing around. We could have gotten a lot more done if you were here helping us. Applejack was almost crushed by a statue. Jeff found the world’s largest ant hill at the bottom of the world’s most hard to see sink hole. And guess who threw out his back trying to help him out. I’ll give you a hint. It wasn’t freaking you.”
Larry was unperturbed by his friend’s outburst. Turning to face Rarity, he asked, “Could you hand me that package I brought?” After receiving the parcel, the Cable Guy set it between his fellow humans. “Open it up.”
Both humans glared up at Larry as they opened the present. Inside were three beautiful Confederate grey slouch hats.
Both rednecks stared in awe at the venerable head accessories. Before Jeff or Bill could say a word, the Cable Guy took off his cap and placed it over his heart. “I keep a picture of Robert E. Lee close to my heart. So I just had this guy make me three of the same hats in the picture. Thank God the exchange rate between dollar bills and bits is way in my favor, c’ause them things were expensive.”
Jeff tried his on first, and it slipped over his eyes. “Too bad it doesn’t fit.”
“Yeah it does,” replied Larry as he took a sip of iced tea.
“No, it . . . does?” The hat had magically adjusted to the human’s head to fit perfectly. “Wow, this thing fits better than a con--- I mean a glove.”
“Uh huh. I’d show you what I paid for them, but I don’t want y’all to stroke off while I’m eatin.”
“These hats are lovely, darling,” said Rarity. “But I could’ve made you these for free when we got back to Ponyville.”
“I know you could. But, I know country people. And they would’ve killed me for not showing up, so I had to get ‘em something.”
“Hey, why don’t you try yours on, Larry?” suggested Applejack.
The Cable Guy stared at the farm pony. In particular he was looking at her battered and holed cowpony hat.
“Nope, and I’ll tell you why. ‘Cause it’s not mine.”
The earthpony frowned. “Then whose is it?”
“Yours.” And with that, Larry took her old hat and placed the new one on top of her head.
Rarity and Coco smiled and nodded in approval at the human’s sacrifice. They both knew Larry had originally bought the last hat for himself. After all, he had not stopped talking about how great he, Bill, and Jeff would look if they all dressed up as “Bobby Lee” for nightmare night.
Applejack blushed. “Ah shucks, partner. You didn’t have to do that for me, but Celestia knows I could use a new hat. Although I might have to paint it. Grey isn’t really my color.”
“Way ahead of you,” replied the overweight human.
While touching the brim of her new hat, Larry said the word “brown.” And the hat changed to the desired color.
At this, Rarity’s jaw dropped. “When we’re done here, you’re going to have to show me where you bought those.”
Larry laughed.
“Ahem. Excuse me,” said a masculine voice
All eyes turned to four ponies standing on a small hill.
Coco’s heart turned to ice. The Method Mares were here, and the park wasn’t ready.
“Is this where the Midsummer Theatre Revival is supposed to be per chance?” asked a pony in a trench coat and huge sunglasses.
“We’re here for the dress rehearsal,” said a different actress wearing a red beret.
Snapping out of her anxiety, Coco smiled. “Yes, we just put the finishing touches on the costumes.”
The pony in a red beret nodded. “We’ll do a dry run of the play and then the costume fitting.”
Without another word, the actors proceeded to walk on-stage.
Just then something occurred to Applejack. “Hey Bill, you reinforced the stage, right?”
Bill stopped chewing his sandwich. “I thought Jeff was going to do that.”
Jeff looked at Bill. “I was, but then I found that sinkhole and . . . uh-oh.”
CRASH!
* * * * * * * * * * *
As Rarity and Coco talked with the actors, the rednecks and Applejack sifted through the wreckage of the stage looking for anything salvageable. Luckily none of the Method Mares were seriously hurt. But being nearly crushed by a ton of rotting wood and debris had left the actors shaken. Finally, the two fashionistas returned with the news.
“They’re not going to sue us for not having a warning sign,” declared Rarity.
Jeff rolled his eyes. “Jesus Christ. That thing was like a million years old. If the holes in the floor and the roof didn’t give that away, the smell should have.”
“Actually, after the Midsummer Theatre Revival, we were going to celebrate the 150th anniversary of this stage being built. It was erected one year after this park was established,” replied Coco.
Biting back an angry retort, Jeff ran a hand down his face. “Thanks, Coco.”
“You’re welcome. But now the Method Mares say they have business to attend to on the other side of town and won’t be available to put on a play this evening.”
“What?!” shouted Larry. “But, what about ‘the show must go on’ and all that other crap actors are always saying?”
Coco nodded determinably. “You’re right. I still want to do this. But we don’t have any professional pony actors lined up. And the stage is ruined.”
Applejack thought for a moment before saying, “I think there is enough decent lumber here that we can build a small setup on the edge of the park. It won’t be anything fancy, but it will be something, and something is better than nothing.”
“But what about the play?” asked Coco.
Everyone was silent for several seconds before Bill walked over to the costumes and examined them. “Okay everyone, I got an idea. Rarity, Coco, I need you to dye half of these getups blue and the other half grey. We’ll also need to modify three of these outfits to fit three rednecks. It doesn’t have to be pretty; it just needs to work for a few hours.”
“I don’t like where this is heading,” declared Larry.
“You got a better idea?” asked Engvall.
The Cable Guy shook his head mournfully.
“Of course, you know what this means, don’t you?” asked Foxworthy.
Bill nodded. “I know, dang it. I know. One of us is going to have to be him.”
“You want me to do it?” offered Jeff.
“No,” replied Bill. “It’s my idea. I’ll do the hard part.”
Touching a finger to the brim of his brand new slouch hat, Bill said the words, “Yankee blue.”
* * * * * * * * * * *
Slowly, and with all the grace he could muster, Jeff Foxworthy climbed the few steps up to the small stage Applejack had built from the ruin of the grand old theatre. His legs and feet were killing him for having been in use for over three hours. Garbed in a hastily cobbled together grey uniform, Jeff cleared his throat, unrolled a piece of paper, and began to speak to the massive audience about Robert E Lee’s final speech to his troops.
“I need not tell the survivors of so many hard-fought battles, who have remained steadfast to the last, that I have consented to this result from no distrust of them, but feeling that valor and devotion could accomplish nothing that could compensate for the loss which would have attended the continuation of the contest, I have determined to avoid the useless sacrifice of those whose past services have endeared them to their countrymen. You will take with you the satisfaction that proceeds from the consciousness of duty faithfully performed, and I earnestly pray that a merciful God may extend to you His blessing and protection. With an increasing admiration of your constancy and devotion to your country, and a grateful remembrance of your kind and generous consideration of myself, I bid you an affectionate farewell.”
And with that, Jeff rolled up the piece of paper, took off his magical hat, and bowed to the mass of ponies gathered in front of him. “Well folks, that’s all we got. I hope you had a good time and thanks for coming.”
The redneck was so surprised by the explosive cheer he got from the audience that he could not stop himself from tearing up. Wordlessly, he motioned for all of his friends to join him onstage. Bill limped up the stage wearing something like General Grant’s blue uniform along with Rarity and Coco. Both ponies looked fantastic in their azure costumes. Applejack and Larry, wearing their grey costumes, slowly made their way to stand by Jeff. Linking arms and hooves, each of the six impromptu actors took a bow.
“Hey, guys. You think they’re cheering cause we all did a good job, or that it’s over?” asked Larry.
“I don’t know, and I don’t care,” replied Bill. “The sooner I’m out of this monkey suit the better.”
After leaving the new stage, the six were beset by ponies who were ashamed that they didn’t help for whatever reason. Promises of support were solemnly given to assist with next year’s Midsummer Theatre Revival, and for the most part, a good time was had by all.
Rarity and Applejack smiled as their cutie marks glowed to represent a job well-done.
“You know,” said Jeff, “these are some good ponies, even though they’re Yanks.
“Yeah,” agreed Bill. “But I guess when it’s all said and done, at the end of the day we’re all damn Yankees.”
“Just goes to show no one’s perfect,” added Larry.
