Mark and Dillon Survive Equestria

by TheDimensionRift

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life, Sex, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other, Starlight Glimmer
Length: 6037

A serious of short stories involving two humans in Equestria struggling to ward off the romantic advances of its inhabitants.

Rated Mature for random (some) sexual scenarios and other randomness. JUST A HEADS UP: THE SEX TAG IS ONLY THERE FOR MENTIONED ACTS OR SMALL ADCANCES OF THE NATURE. THIS IS NOT A CLOP FIC.

Loosely based on Fluttershy Wants in Your Pants.

Mark and Dillon are two human beings trying to live peacefully survive in Ponyville with it's denizens of multicolored equines. Join our heroes (pffft, yeah, heroes) as they attempt to adjust to Equestria and it's many differing factors of randomness.

A series of random one shot stories in which Mark and Dillon (mainly Mark) struggle with vasts amounts of pony from day to day.

Contains: (slight) Flutterrape and slice of life random adventures with crude humor and hijinks.

Published 2016-06-28 19:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-05 17:28:30 UTC

Enchanted Stallion Spermatozoa

“MARK!”

“MAAAARK!”

The pounding knocks at my door immediately woke me up from my peaceful slumber. Shouting above the knocks are my best friend Dillon who appears to be in some sort of distress, or so it would seem. Dillon is an obnoxious ass who seems to not understand the concept of logic and reasoning, making matters worse, he’s completely spontaneous and random. I get out of bed, regrettably, already dreading the day that was ahead of me; Dillon’s banging and yelling wasn’t helping my current mood.

BANG!

BANG!

BANG!

“MAAAAARK COME OOOOOOOON! I HAVING SOMETHING YOU NEED TO SEE!”

“I’m coming!” I snap at my best friend from behind my door. At first I took my time to reach the door, not wanting to deal with Dillon’s shenanigans so early in the morning seemed like reasonable incentive; but if I wanted to be rid of him for the rest of the hours, I needed to put up with his antics at least once before he disappeared for the rest of the day. I placed my hand on the doorknob and twist, bracing myself for whatever was waiting for me on the other side of the door.

“Mark! Your never going to believe—!”

“Jesus Christ! Can you tone down the yelling, it’s too early in the morning for this shit. Now what did you want to show—”

“Look!” Dillon cut me off as I did him, in his hands on a metal saucer was a cheese pizza which was cooked golden to perfection. “I MADE A PIZZA!”

“And?”

“AND IT HAS CHEESE!!!”

I slam the door in my friend’s face and returned to my bed, swearing under my breath as I did, “Too early for his shit.” I crash down on my bed and let a sigh escape me as I hear the speedy descending steps of Dillon. ‘Thank God he’s gone’. I close my eyes and wait to fall back asleep when I remember something about myself; no matter what, once I wake up, I can never fall asleep for the remainder of the day. I don’t know why that is, I guess my body is just weird. Now pissed off and tired, I rise out of bed a second time and prepare for the day’s usual randomness.

After shaving and showering twice due to my PSS (post shower shit), I head downstairs and straight into my kitchen. Feeling particularly lazy this morning I decided against actually making breakfast. Just as I do, I spy the saucer that Dillon was holding earlier, the golden crispy pizza still gave off a sense of heat. I figured if he wasn’t gonna eat it then, what the hell? I grab a plate from my cupboard and a knife, I cut two slices of pizza and sit down at the small table that resides in my kitchen. I prepared to bite into my first slice when a knock came at my door; now pissed, tired, and hungry I stomp my way to the door and fling it open.

“What do you want Fluttershy?”

“Oh….um, I just figured you needed this,” the small pegasus pulls a bottle of ranch from her saddle bag and hands it to me. “Dillon said that you two were out and I thought I’d bring you some….I mean, if it’s okay with you.”

“Actually, this is just what I need.” I go to shut the door when I realize Fluttershy is still standing there. “Can I help you with something?”

Fluttershy stared at the ground and kicked it with a hoof, “I was just wondering…since I brought you what you needed, could I come in?”

“Hell no.”

“Why not?” Fluttershy whines as she begins to pout cutely with puffed cheeks.

“Because the last time I let you inside I couldn’t walk for a week.”

“But…but I told you it was an accident,” the pegasus pleaded.

“Which part? The drugging or raping? Because I can’t seem to recall either one.”

“But—but I didn’t cause that…..it was the Rohypnol!”

I slammed the door without a second thought, no way in hell was she coming back in my house after that little act. I give a glance at the bottle of ranch in my hand, ‘Huh, I wonder where she got this from anyway?’. The bottle I hold has no label, just a white creamy liquid with what looks like seasoning in it. Just then, a peculiar thought crossed my mind; ‘This….this is ranch, right?’. It has to be, but then I remember who gave it to me, only one way to find out. I pop off the top and stick a finger in the bottle, it certainly seems familiar, slightly chunky, rich, and creamy just like ranch; I try to catch it’s scent but I can’t seem to smell anything. I decide to taste the “ranch”, a choice that I soon regretted.

I spit out the liquid in mere seconds, I wish I didn’t swallow, sadly, that’s not the case. Feeling overcome by noxiousness, I run over to my kitchen and begin dry heaving until I puke; I run the water to wash away the food that I upchucked. I realize I still have the bottle clenched in my left hand and bolt for my front door. Slamming it open I spot Fluttershy still standing where I left her with a smile on her face.

“Are bottles filled with magical stallion semen your fetish Mark?”

“WHAT THE FUCK FLUTTERSH—!?” I didn’t even feel the second wave of gunk building up inside me, it just erupted from my throat. To avoid hitting Fluttershy I cocked my head to the right and puked in my bushes. “OH! OH MY GOD I CAN STILL FUCKIN TASTE I—”. The third time I threw up I collapsed to my knees due to fatigue, “Oh….oh my God…..it’s coming out my nose now. Ow my head hurts….what kind of enchantment did you put on this?”

“Oh my goodness!” Fluttershy exclaimed as she placed a hoof over her mouth in shock. “Is there anything I can—”

“Go get Twilight! See if she has a spell that can—” another torrent of vomit escapes me, interrupting me again. “Just…just go get Twilight!” Fluttershy galloped away faster than I’ve ever seen her run before, thank goodness she’s not taking her time. The last thing I remember is feeling light headed before blacking out.

Belly Rubs

“Are you enjoying the book?” Twilight asks as she enters her massive library and slowly makes her way towards me with a smile. “Daring Do is one of mine and Rainbow’s personal favorites.”

“It’s pretty interesting, it reminds me a lot of Indiana Jones, though the name is more reminiscent of Scooby Doo.”

“Are those stories from Earth?” I answer the alicorn’s question with a nod before returning to my story. Twilight hops on to the couch I’m sitting on and takes a seat next to me. “May I?” she inquires before she sits down.

“Sure thing.” As Twilight scoots gently next to me, I couldn’t help but notice how close she was getting. Since she was the princess of friendship, I just chalk it up to her usual overfriendly demeanor.

“Hey, Mark?” Twilight diverts my attention from my book to her as I can feel that she has a question she wants me to answer, I look away from my book at her. “I was curious, you know that thing you do with Pinkie Pie all the time? I was wondering if…..well, you know, if I could try it as well?” Twilight gave a sheepish smile after her question, her cheeks a light hue of pink.

“Oh, you mean the belly rubs?” I shrug my shoulders, “Sure, I see no harm in doing so.” I close my book after marking my place with a bookmark and place it on the small wooden table in front of the couch I was sitting at. “Alright, come here,” I say to Twilight as I pat a spot on my lap for her to lie down on.

“R—right there?” Twilight stammered as her blush seemed to deepen. “Are you sure it’s alright?”

“I don’t see why not, its where Pinkie always lays when I give her rubs.” I give my lap another friendly pat and shoot Twilight a reassuring smile. She inched her way towards me, hesitantly but surely, all the while her blush remained. When she finally made it to my lap she sat slowly then laid herself down on her side, kind of like how my Chihuahua usually did when I would scratch his stomach. I bring my hand up to Twilight’s neck and begin there, gently scratching and rubbing under her muzzle; doing so drew out a small moan of pleasure from the pony. I moved my hand down her front forelegs continuing what I had started, but when I reached the small pony’s stomach, she gave me a more audible moan and her body shuddered slightly. “You okay?” I ask to make sure the shudder wasn’t from pain.

“Sweet Celestia yes,” Twilight replies with a pant, “Can..can you go lower?”

I was a bit confused with Twilight’s question, I was already scratching and rubbing her stomach in circular motions, any lower may draw discomfort from her. “Are you sure? I don’t want to make this weird.” A blushing nod from Twilight confirmed she was okay with what I was about to do, so I continued as instructed and moved my hand even lower down her stomach stopping only slightly below her marehood. It was then that I realized what was going on, one glance at Twilight’s leaking slit confirmed my suspicions. She was somehow getting aroused by this, realizing it, I stopped my rubbing and scratching which caused Twilight to cock her head my direction with a bewildered expression.

“Heeey, why’d you stop?” she whined as she gave me a pout, her blush filled cheeks inflating slightly.

“I can’t do this Twilight, I knew you liked the feeling of what I was doing, but I didn’t know you…..liked, the feeling.”

“But you do it all the time with Pinkie.”

“Yeah, because she’s not getting sexually aroused when I do it!” I correct her.

A small grin formed on Twilight’s face, “I’m sorry,” she muttered. Her grin was soon replaced by a devilish smirk which she made no intention of hiding, “I need this Mark, and your going to give it to me.”

I soon felt myself become overwhelmed by a warm sensation, I stiffened up when Twilight’s magical aura died down, unable to move. “Twilight, what the hell did you—” before even finishing my question, my right hand was soon enveloped in Twilight’s aura as she brought it down back to the spot I had been scratching before, this time out of my control. Twilight began moaning audibly when I resumed my act, her controlling my hand like her own personal sex toy. Though this wasn’t what I wanted, I was glad that I was only rubbing her stomach; but then my worst fears were confirmed.

“Lower,” Twilight moaned, causing my hand to obey like a puppet on a stage. My hand was now in place directly between the mares legs, circling around her wet slit like a shark with it’s prey. At this point I could already feel Twilight’s nether region leaking on to my hand and getting caught between my fingers, I could do nothing, I was her puppet. Now that I've reached her winking slit, Twilight was making even louder moans now, occasionally a shocked gasp or cry here and there. “Can you at least keep it down? I don’t want Spike or Starlight to hear you.”

“Neither of them are here,” Twilight shot back quickly with a gasp followed behind it. She gave me a wink, “Are you starting to enjoy this?” Twilight changed her position, she got up from laying on her side and began to straddle me with her hooves on my shoulder. She looked into my eyes, all I saw was lust, I’m sure she saw the fear in my eyes.

“Twilight, don’t do this.”

“Your lips say no, no. But my mouth says yes, yes.”

“I need an adult,” I squeak.

“I am an adult,” Twilight whispers as she moves her muzzle closer to mine. “I promise I’ll be gent—”BANG!

The sound of the castle’s library doors being kicked open made Twilight jump, I would have done the same thing if I wasn’t in a paralysis spell. A blur rushes in to the library, it’s not until he stopped moving that I notice it’s Dillon, and he’s not alone.

“MARK! YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE THIS!” Dillon takes a moment to catch the shocked expression on Twilight’s face, he appears to realize what position she and I are both in but pays it no mind. “LOOK!” Dillon raises up to me and Twilight a unicorn mare he was holding, “This is Vinyl Scratch! She’s a DJ and she makes dubstep!”

“Sup,” Vinyl says nonchalantly as she raises a hoof and gives Twilight and I a small wave.

“And?” I ask to inquire further.

“SHE’S SKRILLEX!!!”

With that said Dillon takes Vinyl under his arm like a football and sprints out of the library at record breaking speed. A sigh escapes me, a part of me was really hoping Dillon would free me somehow, but I guess I was wrong. Twilight turned back to me, a sultry look on her face as her blush grew darker.

“Now, where were w—”BANG!
The door slams open a second time, “Oh come on!” Twilight groaned, she was quickly tossed aside and sent crashing into a bookshelf. I turned my head to see Starlight standing in the doorway.

“Come on, she won’t stay down forever and we don’t have a lot of time!” I gained control of my body once more and did as instructed and followed Starlight out of the library and down one of the crystal halls, the only sound being the clopping of Starlight’s hooves against the floor and my footsteps doing the same. Starlight turned into a room and motioned for me to follow, when I did she shut the door quickly and told me to keep my voice down. “Shhh,” Starlight hushed as she put an ear to the door.

I grew stiff when I heard the clamoring of another pony’s hooves approaching the door, a long silence lingered as I could make out Twilight’s shadow coming through under the door. Another sigh when I hear the hoof steps get farther and farther away, when we were sure she was gone Starlight turned her gaze to me.

“Geez, I’ve never seen Twilight act like that. What did you do to get her riled up?”

“She was as just fine right before she asked for belly rubs, then she just went bat shit crazy,” I explain to Starlight as she approaches the door.

“Belly rubs? So that’s what Pinkie was talking about,” Starlight’s horn lit up and made a chain appear on the door, trapping us both in the bedroom. “I suppose you wouldn’t mind showing me?” she asks as she bats her eyes my way.

“Oh god Starlight not you too?” I plead, “What about Sunburst? Aren’t you two like…. a thing?”

“What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” Starlight slowly trotted towards me, her eyes have lidded. “I won’t say anything if you won’t.”

“I need an adu—” Starlight’s magic sealed my mouth shut and tossed me on the bed with her teleporting on top of me, restricting my movement as Twilight had once did.

“Can’t have you making too much noise, besides,” the magic raised my hand as Starlight licked my fingers. “These are all I’m going to need.”

Crossovers

“COME ON GUMMY! YOU CAN DO IT!”

Starting today on a random note, I awake to find Dillon in my room kneeling in front of my dresser by my bed. On my dresser was a small baby alligator that Dillon was watching intently.

“Dillon, what the fuck are you doing in my room?” I take notice of the alligator, “Is that Gummy? Won’t Pinkie Pie flip out when she finds out you took him?”

“I didn’t take him Mark, she knows he’s with me. I’m teaching Gummy how to fly,” Dillon looked back at me with a toothy grin, like a small child who had just got what he wanted for his birthday.

“Dillon,” I begin as I get out of bed and rub my eyes, “He doesn’t have any wings and you don’t even know how to fly for that matter, so how do you expect—?” I was cutoff by the sight before me as I stopped rubbing my eyes, floating in front of my face with no strings attached or magical aura was Gummy; he locked eyes with me and it almost felt as though he was staring into my very soul. I was left in a state of awe at the sight. He was almost as beautiful as a Space Duck. What a majestic creature.

“SEE!? I told you I could teach him to fly.” Dillon scooped up the alligator and made his way to my bedroom door. “Now if you’ll exsqueeze me, I’m going to teach Tank how to rap.”

And just like that, Dillon was gone along with Gummy, and my usual day of spontaneous events which made absolutely no sense began. Just like my everyday schedule I made my way to my shower, laughing to myself at the thought of Dillon trying to teach Rainbow’s poor tortoise how to rap. All the while I still couldn’t get one thought out of my head; how the fuck was that alligator flying!?

“Everyday it’s the same thing, you act all high and mighty and think that what you do is alright.” I clenched my teeth and balled my fists, “I won’t let you do whatever you want! Today is the day your tyranny comes to an end, todays the day I claim victory.” My eyes narrowed as I furrowed a brow, “IT’S NO USE! TAKE THI—” Just as the moment of truth came, three knocks at my door turned my attention away from my enemy; in doing so, the toast popped out of my toaster and rested there. Damn. I really thought I had it today. Guess I’ll have to catch the toast another time.

Mad that my toaster had one upped me again, I stomped my way to the door to open it and reveal a familiar pegasus waiting on my doorstep; however, she’s not alone.

“Damn it Fluttershy, why don’t you ever bother Dillon with your fetish guesses?”

“Because he’s not the one I lov—”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” I say interrupting her just as she had did with my toaster moments before. I give a glance at Trixie who seemed to have a smug grin on her face, “She drag you into this?”

“Of course not, Trixie came voluntarily of her own accord.”

“Right, right. So, what is your guess today? A threesome?”

“Oh….goodness no,” Fluttershy blushed slightly and stared at the ground at my mention of this. “I—I mean, unless you want to.” Her gaze returned to me as a smile grew on her face, “Are threesomes your fetish Mark?”

“Trixie wouldn’t mind partaking in such an act,” the unicorn said as she looked in my direction with lidded eyes and a sultry stare.

“Oh fuck no,” I go to shut the door but one of Fluttershy’s hooves catches it before it closes.

“Wait! That guess didn’t count.”

“Then get on with it already,” I sigh, “I still have toast that needs eating.” I glance back at my toaster from the doorway, “I will make you suffer for your crimes.”

Fluttershy gave Trixie a nod, after which the unicorn’s horn hummed to life as a soft glow quickly developed into a bright flash. When the light was gone, there were now three ponies standing on my doorstep, the third being a red earth pony that I’ve never seen before. I stand here confused for a moment, I know I’ve seen him before. Perhaps around town maybe?

“Are crossovers your fetish Mark?”

“What? What crossover? He’s a pony same as you. How is this a—” My train of thought was sent careening off it’s rails as I realized where I had seen this pony before. “Fuckin Pokéhidden….”

“Mark? Are you—”

“FUCK YOU BRIAN! GET OUT OF HERE! I WILL NOT LIVE THROUGH THAT NIGHTMARE AGAIN! NOT NOW, NOT EVER!!” I picked up the pony and threw him with all my might, sending him spiraling into the direction of the sun and disappearing with a twinkle. I looked at Trixie, “Don’t you EVER bring him back here again! It took three years of therapy to forget about that fuckin game and so help me God you will not bring them back.”

“I have no idea what your talking about, anyway,” the blue unicorn turned away from my door and began walking away slowly. “Trixie has a show she must prepare for, you’re more than welcome to come, maybe afterwards Trixie can show you a few new tricks that she’s been practicing.”

Oh god she fuckin winked at me after that last sentence. Nope. Can’t do it. I will not have sexual intercourse with a pony. I look down at Fluttershy who was still smiling even though her guess was wrong.

“Can…can I come insi—”

I slammed the door on her face. I can feel them coming back, flooding back. The memories of when I played that game, I thought it was just an ok innocent game….how wrong I was. At first I tried to save Derpy….but then she repaid me with……

And then I helped Applejack with the farm, and returned Twilight’s book, and checked on Fluttershy……

The next thing I know I’m curled up in the fetal position sucking my thumb, humming the My Little Pony theme and wishing away these memories.

Fuck you Brian.
And fuck you Pokéhidden.

I’ve been scarred.

Role Playing

Sitting in my red recliner with a book in hand, I basked in the warm afternoon rays of Celestia’s sun as they entered through a nearby window in the cottage. I wasn’t really in the mood to go out and do anything, it was days like this I wish Equestria had TV, alas, it was not to be. My greatest form of entertainment was usually pranking with Pinkie Pie, but after she met Dillon those two balls of hyperactivity were inseparable; it was almost kind of cute, they seemed to share a sibling-like relationship.

Of course, not the Twilight-Shining Armor type of sibling relationship; that relationship was……kinda creepy. I should know, I’ve agreed to help Twilight one time with a……thing. Deciding to throw that disgusting memory off a mental cliff in my mind, I returned to my book which I held in hand. It was a very unique book that Dillon had handed to me two hours prior.

The plot was….interesting, to say the least. It was about a human named Anonymous who ended up in Equestria and was harassed everyday by a certain pink haired pegasus who wanted in his pants and thought that guessing his fetish was her best bet. Funny, that sounded oddly familiar, one could even go as far as to say that my life was almost a rip-off of said story……..NAH! I am one hundred percent original, my life is nothing like this story; reason being, I didn’t have just Fluttershy trying to get in my pants but practically ALL of Equestria.

Three firm knocks drew my attention to my front door, but just as I was about get up, the visitor took it upon themselves to enter ahead. In walked Twilight, mane tied up in a ponytail with a pink ribbon holding it together. She poked her head in slightly and looked left to right, when she spotted me, a blush appeared on her cheeks with a nervous smile before she made her way toward me.

“Hi daddy. Oh-sorry, I know you don’t like it when I call you that…but…..,” Twilight’s blush grew more as she galloped at me in full speed. “I love you daddy!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” I managed to say as I raise my hands defensively at the young princess; doing so caused her to stop dead in her tracks and stare at me blankly. I cleared my throat, “Twilight, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“R-role playing, remember? At the party?”

“Twilight I was drunk.”

“You still played along with it,” she said defensively as she gave a small pout my way.

“Twilight, you manipulated me into sleeping with you!”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“You had me believing I was Shining Armor! I think there’s a fuck load wrong with that! Incest isn’t best, Twilight!”

“But…all I wanted to do was to cuddle with you daddy…”

“Fuck no, you already had me play Shining Armor, there’s no way in hell I’m going to be your father now.” I fold my arms across my chest in protest and look away from her. A long lingering silence poured into my cottage, neither one of us dare spoke a word. I almost forgot Twilight had even entered my house, that is, until I began to hear quiet sobbing coming from her direction.

“I-I’m sorry father. I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment to you. Maybe I’ll just go…”

Twilight slowly trots toward my door, she looked back at me once before exiting, and I met her eyes with my own, her tear-filled eyes.

‘Don’t look Mark, your stronger than that.’ The door shuts, however, Twilight is still sobbing loud enough just so I could hear her; whether it was on purpose or not was beyond me, one thing was certain though: it was working. ‘No. After what she did to me the last time I role played with her, this is exactly what she gets. It’s not my fault…but then, why do I still feel so bad?’ Delivering a swear to myself followed by a stern slap I rush up from my recliner to my front door, outside Twilight was almost out of sight when I called back to her.

“Twilight!” she glanced back at me and wiped a tear from her eye, damn she’s good. “D-does daddy’s little princess want him to read her a story?” Twilight shot back into my cottage with the speed of a Wonderbolt, when I shut the door, I spoke to her in a serious tone. “No sex. Nothing weird or….incest-y. Just a story and cuddles, got it?”

The mare followed me over to my recliner as I sat down and hopped in my lap and laid down with her muzzle pressed up against my chest. “I promise daddy.”

Just as I had began to settle in with my daughter, the door to my home was slammed open, revealing two figures that I hardly expected to appear.

“Ready, aim,” Pinkie began as she raised a hoof.

“Pinkie, what are you—”

“FIRE!!” Dillon screamed as Twilight and I were quickly bombarded by water balloons from both pranksters. Now sitting drenched in water, Twilight and I shot daggers at the two assailants. “Mission accomplished, time for the next ones on the list,” Mark said through fits of laughter.

“Okie, dokie, lokie,” Pinkie laughed as she quickly grabbed her party cannon and disappeared along with Dillon.

The only thing running through my head afterwards was; who else was in their list and how bad did they have it coming.

Author's Note

I know the only two who I've placed stories around are Twilight and Fluttershy, but that's only because I haven't thought of stories for the rest of the mane Six. Any ideas?

Episode VI: The Pink Mare Strikes Back

Author's Note

Okay so I deleted the last chapter because it was probably the main reason why this story got so many down votes. It was my first time writing smut and honestly, it was terrible. So, the sex tag will still remain for awkward sexual situations in the future, but it'll never go past a certain degree like the last chapter did. So, I'm sorry for everyone who wasn't keen on that smut craps I wrote, to make it up here's another chapter of smutless random featuring everyone's favorite pink pony.

Episode VI: The Pink Mare Strikes Back

Something’s wrong. I don’t know exactly what it is yet, but something isn’t quite right. I woke up this morning without any disturbances, any annoyances, any problems; that in itself is a problem. I awoke normally, took a shower, and now I’m here eating my eggs and toast. Such a normal morning was such a rarity for me and not seeing Dillon at all this morning made me feel uneasy. Perhaps today would be a normal day, boy, that’d be a blessing. “Maybe I’ll just curl up in bed with a good book and…”

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

I let out a deep sigh, it was the kind of sigh my father always let out when he learned of my ‘accomplishments’; it was a sigh of disappointment. Not entirely anxious to answer the door, I continued on eating my eggs; only once I had consumed them and my last piece of toast did I go to answer the knock.

“Fluttershy, I swear to God if you’re bringing me another bottle of ‘ranch, I’ll take the damn thing and shove it—” I couldn’t even finish the last of my threat due to the sight which was before me. Floating, high overheard blocking the light of the Sun and casting a seemingly never-ending shadow across the land was an Imperial Star Destroyer.

My jaw practically hit the floor at the sight, this was impossible! It couldn’t be real! Then again I was trapped in a land inhabited my mythical creatures and brightly colored ponies; so, I guess anything’s possible. When I finally found the strength to speak, the only thing that left my mouth was “WHAT IN LUNA’S BLUE ASS IS GOING ON!?”

As if to answer my question, something was descending near the empty field by my cottage, seeing as it was the only way to get answers I ran to the field where the aircraft had landed. The aircraft in question was an Imperial Shuttle, it hovered only slightly above the ground allowing its wings to retract before touching down for a soft landing. When the mouth of the ship had finally opened up, a large group of ponies wearing specially designed Stormtrooper armor poured from the shuttle and began making straight lines and forming a path from the ship to me. It was at this point that I began to hear the Imperial March score being played loudly from all directions around me.

Still in shock at what I was witnessing, I could only stand paralyzed as a tall and dark robotic looking figure emerged from the shuttle, slowly marching his way toward me. I recognized the character, anybody would, it was Darth Vader; or at least, someone with a bad ass costume and lots of money because as he drew closer I could even hear the breathing that Vader made in the movies.

Now, standing before me, Vader gave me a nod before speaking. “Good evening, Mark.”

Jesus! This guy is good! He even nailed the voice, I swear to Celestia’s holy ass I thought I was speaking to James Earl Jones himself! But then I realized that James would be too fat to fit in the costume. And then I realized something odd (as if everything happening right now wasn’t odd enough), I realized that this guy knew my name; and there was only one other human in Equestria. “Dillon!?” I exclaim.

“Hiya Mark!” Dillon said dropping his entire act with his usual hyperactive voice returning and raising a hand to wave at me in a speedy manner. “Pretty cool huh?”

“Dillon! What the hell!? Where did you get all this stuff!?”

“Internet,” he replied quickly yet nonchalantly. “You’d be surprised what you’d find on the internet, Mark. People and ponies sell some really cool stuff.”

“And how much did this stuff cost!? Damn it Dillon, you know we have a budget for the daily shenanigans you put me through but I highly doubt that we can afford all this!”

“Don’t worry about it,” Dillon waved me off with his black gloved hands. “If the budget starts to tank, we can always just get more money from the writer, duh.”

“WHAT WRITER!?” I snapped on him. Dillon was always one for not making sense, but this was out of the realm of his usual persona.

Dillon looked forward dramatically as though into a camera and whispered, “He must never know.”

It was at this point that one of the Stormtrooper ponies approached he and stood as straight as possible before addressing him. “Lord Vader, the Empress is still awaiting her introduction.”

“Oh, right,” Dillon cleared his through and was back to sounding like James Earl Jones. “Right, get back and formation and we shall do it the proper way.” Listening to Dillon’s orders, the pony scampered back into the line he was in. Dillon then turned back and addressed me, “Kneel before her majesty the Empress.”

“Don’t you mean ‘Emperor?” I tried to correct Dillon but he ignored my comment as though I never said it. As I was about to press him further, I stopped when I witnessed someone else emerging from the Imperial Shuttle. It was small and pony shaped, I couldn’t make out all of its features due to the large black hooded cloak which seemed to cover up the mares whole body. It wasn’t until she stopped walking in front of us that I could see her face under her hood. “Pinkie!?”

Dillon and Pinkie seemed to both ignore my outburst as the Vader copy just began kneeling before the hooded pink party pony with his head low. “What is thy bidding, my mistress?”

Now it was Pinkie’s turn to speak, and let me tell you, hearing the Emperor’s voice come out of the serious straight faced Pinkie still gives me nightmares to this day. “This human could be of great used to use, I sense the power of laughter is strong with this one. We must make him abandoned the light and join the dark side.”

“Holy shit Pinkie!? How the fuck did you do that!?” I exclaimed from both fear and curiosity.

“What, the voice?” the mare’s questions with her façade dropping as her usual smile and voice return once more. “I can do that for everypony, even you, watch.” Pinkie cleared her throat as well as made several coughing sounds before speaking again. “Damn it Dillon, you know we have a budget for the daily shenanigans you put me through but I highly doubt that we can afford all this!”

I stood frozen in shock once more, her execution of my prior bitching to Dillon was spot on. She even managed to mimic the small cracks my voice gets when I’m mad and I tell too loud; it was a flawless impression of me, it was almost scary.

“H-how—but you—and—what!?” I finally managed to get out after incoherently blabbing like an idiot.

“Told you, I can do everypony. I even taught Dillon and that’s why he sounds so much like James Earl Jones.” Pinkie let out a giggle as she moved a hoof up to close my mouth which was hanging open in shock. “Might wanna close that, you may end up choking on a Parasprite.”

That’s it, I’m done. I can’t take this, not today, maybe another time. Still trying to wrap my head around everything that’s happened, I walk back to my cottage, shut the door and turn the lock, then I began to aggressively bang my head into a wall for hours. Can I not have one day that’s normal in this world? Just one! That’s all I ask! Feeling my head begin to throb with pain, I crawl back to my bed and proceed to pass out, hopefully into a coma.