I groan as my consciousness is invaded by a wall of sound, singing voices and musical accompaniment pervading my senses and forcing my mind into waking far before I was ready.
Like every time this has happened (lets just say it’s a lot) all I can do is say in gruff irritation,
“Fucking showtunes.”
You see I am not just being woken up in any situation you believe is normal, I am a human living in a land of magical pastel ponies called Equestria and this, is considered normal here.
Like randomly bursting into song with choreographed dance routines and a magical musical accompaniment should be considered normal in any way, shape or form.
Anyway back on topic, I’ve just been rudely woken up by a large group of singing, dancing ponies and it’s seriously starting to become too much. I’ve been living in Equestria now for over a year and if it isn’t the random songs or monster attacks then there is some world ending catastrophe being unleashed that can only be solved with some stupid thought like ‘the power of friendship.’ All of this and I haven’t even begun on the actual biggest problem I have living here.
The damn ponies themselves.
They are all so damn happy and kind all the time it’s just so unrealistic. No one (I am never saying nopony) can be so cheerful all the time.
Today though, today I am at my limit.
As with everyday I get up and move to my bathroom and start my routine.
A shit, shave, shower later and I am ready to start my day as the only human and only sane individual on this entire damn planet when 3 short knocks interrupt me. I look up at my clock seeing that it’s exactly 9am and this can only mean one thing.
Walking to my door I open it to see possibly the greatest annoyance I have experienced since finding myself on this impossibly stupid world. A butter yellow mare with a pink mane hiding half her face and a look of excitement in her eyes looks up at me ready to ask her daily question.
“H-Hey Anon, I was just wondering is-”
I cut her off with a loud, “NOPE, not fucking today,” and a swift punt causing her to fly off far away.
“Hmm that actually felt pretty good”
Smiling to myself I walk out my door and out into the town of Ponyville when another of it’s insane residents accosts me, a blur of pink moves in my direction with a speed that seems to break the laws of physics but this time I’m ready. My leg swings back before delivering the second kick to a pony for the day, this one flinging the pony all the way back into the roof of Sugarcube Corner far off in the distance.
“This is actually pretty fun.”
Strolling through the town is never the best part of my day as I’m constantly being forced to talk to these damn ponies who can’t seem to get it through their heads that I just want to be left alone.
“Anon, how are you today?”
“Looking good there Anon, you busy?”
“Can I lick your hands Anon?”
I stop as I hear the last one looking at the mint colour mare with a Lyre for a cutiemark when a great idea comes to mind. Why not continue the fun?
Walking up to Lyra I swiftly punt her off into the distance and my face breaks into the biggest smile I’ve had since appearing in Celestia’s throne room because of that damn white horses magic experiments.
Some ponies have stopped now after seeing my frankly amazing athletic display.
“Heh, I bet that will teach them to keep coming up to me.”
“Wow Anon, that was so cool!” A prismatic maned cyan mare practically screams into my ear proving me wrong and simultaneously causing a pissed of spike to my blood pressure while a group of amazed ponies shuffles towards my position.
“No no just fucking NOPE,” I yell at the crowd before grabbing the loud raspy voiced pegasus and kicking her into the sky where she breaks the sound barrier and a ring of rainbow light spreads across the sky. Looking over the crowd of pastel ponies I do all I can think of and unleash a flurry of kicks, punting one pony after another into the sky and into nearby buildings.
As the dust clears I stand in the middle of the street hearing a collection of pained groans echo from the buildings and street around me and smirk.
“It looks like I’ve found a new favourite pastime.”
2 weeks later
I smile to myself as I wake up in my home in Ponyville remembering my antics from yesterday not truly believing that I can just walk around town kicking the ever happy citizens of this town into the sky without any negative repercussions.
Honestly I spent half the day seeing if I could demolish a house by punting one pony after another through the walls only for them to limp back up to me with smiles on their faces. I’m even getting used to seeing Fluttershy several times a day now that I can just make her fly halfway across town with a well placed kick to the flank. She never does get a chance to ask her questions now.
I’m interrupted from my reverie by a knock at the door, a simple pattern of 3 knocks that I once dreaded but now look forward to signalling the arrival of my favourite pegasus, but something just doesn’t feel right. Those knocks didn’t quite sound the same and looking up at the clock I see that it’s only 8:39.
Striding carefully to my door I open it wide expecting to see the yellow mare looking up to me in some strange outfit or setting up a weird device.
“Fluttershy you’re here early, too excite-”
Realizing that it wasn’t Fluttershy standing at my door suddenly interrupts me.
A squad of Royal Guardponies stand at my door levelling spears at me, each with a look of anger that should be burning me with their sheer intensity.
“Mr Anonymous the Human, you are under arrest for no less than 500 cases of assault and property damage equalling 350,804 bits. Come quietly and we will not have to resort to more hoofs on measures to bring you in,” said the Lead Pony with a threatening edge in his voice.
“Nope, fuck this shit!”
I start to slam the door in their muzzles but when I try I find it stuck in a golden aura as a figure comes into view.
“I don’t recommend running Anonymous,” said the tall white alicorn with her eternally peaceful smile on her impossibly perfect face.
I let go of the door and try running inside only to find the same golden aura envelop my body, drag me back outside and drop me in the centre of a circle of guards leveling their spears at me and Celestia standing off to the side.
“It seems that you are unwilling to take your punishment lightly my little human,” says Celestia with a hint of sadness in her voice before her expression changes, a smirk gracing her face suddenly making the monarch seem much more sinister than I thought possible.
“I guess there's nothing else for it.”
Her horn glows bright and next thing I know an immense pressure grows around my body and the last thing I hear before everything goes black is.
“TO THE MOONA BEE-YETCH!”