The Religion of Peace

EQUESTRIA

In the dark part of the morning Pinkie Pie broke into the Castle of Friendship and shook Twilight Sparkle awake.

"Whoopee! Whoopee! Hey Twilight, how are babies made? Whoopee!"

Twilight's dream of having a pierced butt faded and was replaced with the nightmare of reality. She rumbled beneath her quilts and sat up slanty-eyed.

"Give me one second Pinkie. I'll show you."

Twilight shoved Pinkie off of her bed with a loud CRASH then opened a closet filled with implements. Cigarette lighters, a falx, a large pair of hedge clippers, a claw hammer. As she eyed each one she looked Pinkie over, calculating where the soft spots on her friend were most likely to be. Pinkie looked innocently back at her, enthusiastic and very much alive.

After a few seconds of nuzzling her precious old AK-47 which was a Sparkle family heirloom, Twilight sighed and dropped her head. She replaced everything and shut the closet with a longing glance. "Not today," she whispered. "Not today."

She then turned back to Pinkie.

"Round up the girls, Pinkie, and get six tickets to Canterlot for the next train. Today we're all going to visit the Birth Control Clinic."

"Whoopee!" yelled Pinkie Pie.

EARTH

In the dark part of the morning Ms. Jekyll, a large frizzy-haired woman, broke into her teenaged son's bedroom.

She was clothed in an oversized graphic tee and female boxer shorts. A nylon Pinkie Pie™ cosplay tail protruded from her butt.

"Sam. Sam, get up. It's time for morning prayers."

Sam groaned but got up. Like always. His fat overbearing mother was once again dictating to him what gods he had to worship, and he was just going along to get along. Like always.

His mother pulled a Twilight Sparkle™ cosplay tail out from somewhere. "Put on your prayer tail."

"I know, Mom..." It was a passive-aggressive comeback but it was the best Sam could do.

They walked to the hallway shrine. There was a squat hexagonal altar with keyholes crudely stenciled onto each side, which held papercraft icons of the Mane Six™ arranged in an occult pentacle, with Twilight Sparkle™ at the center. A 9x12 print of a Ponyville™ computer wallpaper formed the backdrop, while above it all hovered a mobile portraying the all-seeing eye of Princess Celestia™.

Ms. Jekyll got down onto her hands and knees, like a pony, and Sam reluctantly followed suit. They began to chant:

Princess Celestia, pony us.
Princess Luna, hear us.
Princess Cadance, love us.
Sweet Princesses, pony us up real good.
Sweet Celestia, pony us.
Princess of the Sun, pony us.
Alicorn of alicorns, pony us.
Mentor of Twilight Sparkle, pony us.
Protector of Harmony in Equestria, pony us.
Celestia most pure, pony us.
Celestia most chaste...

It went on like that for a while. Sam needed to peepee but he held it in.

EQUESTRIA

Twilight Sparkle and her five best friends were strolling through the slums of Canterlot. At Twilight's direction, they took a left turn into an alley between two dirty coffee shops, walked past a sign that said "No Entry", and came upon a weedy footpath that twisted and spiraled downward.

Hidden in plain sight at the bottom of the path, in the midst of a wide abandoned wastewater gulch, was a long and forbidding government building. Its walls were plain concrete, and it had no windows. There was a small parking lot in front, and a warehouse for receiving deliveries in back.

Twilight paused, took in the sight, and let out a breath. "This is it, girls. This is the Birth Control Clinic. In here, you'll all finally learn how babies are made."

Rainbow Dash looked askance at Twilight. "So you already know, then?"

"Of course," Twilight responded. "It's just one of the many perks of being a princess."

They were greeted at the front door by Dr. John Money, PhD, the legendary human doctor who had been assumed bodily into Equestria years before because of his great medical skills, the holiness of his deeds, and his perfect unstained faith. He wore a strip of condoms as a belt, and was armed with an Astroglide squirt gun.

"Ahh... Princess Twilight Sparkle? What a rare pleasure it is to have a visit from royalty!" The doctor gave his most ingratiating grin, and bent over at the waist so as to face the ponies at eye level. "We corresponded earlier today. I am Doctor Money, appointed head of this facility by the Princess of the Sun herself, now serving in my eleventh year as Equestrian Minister of Birth Control."

Twilight rolled her eyes pretty hard. "I am aware of you, peon. Quit talking and show us how you make babies."

Dr. Money gritted his teeth into an even broader smile. "With pleasure, Princess..." He held the door open for the six of them. "Right this way, if you please..." A single droplet of sweat fell from his brow to his chin.

As the ponies passed through the door, Dr. Money was still bent over. Then, at the right time, he whipped out his cellphone and quickly took several high resolution digital photographs of all their tight little pony assholes.

EARTH

Back in his bedroom, Sam Jekyll reflected on his life.

Being unemployed over a year after graduating high school was a sad situation. The same could be said about living with his mother. He knew it. But he didn't know how to change it.

He had bought a Make America Great Again hat, because he had thought that would change things for him. But it hadn't. So today he was planning to attend a Donald Trump rally. The man himself was going to be there, and thousands would attend.

Maybe going to that rally would change his situation? Somehow?

It was all pretty depressing to think about, so Sam didn't want to think about it any more. Instead of thinking, he locked his door—not that it would matter since his mother had the key, but he did it out of habit—and retreated to the one thing that never failed to free him from the pain of rational thought: his Hatsune Miku sex doll.

Sitting at his computer, Sam inspected Miku and decided she was clean enough for at least one more deed. He pulled up Youtube, turned on "Pomp and Circumstance", and got to work.

As he was sticking it in, Sam thought of his father. His father had left the faith and abandoned his mother several years prior. Sam wondered whether his life would have turned out differently if his father had been around.

A sudden knock at the door knocked Sam out of his reverie.

"Sam?" The click of the key latch was swift and unforgiving. "Sam, breakfast is ready. I made cupcakes..."

The platter of cupcakes dropped like a payload of bombs, as Ms. Jekyll let out a horrified shriek. For his part, Sam could only lower his eyes and prepare for the worst. He was still inside Miku, and he was about to nut.

"SAM! What is this—this—idolatry?!" his mother cried with a pained expression. "You know Bishop Lazarus has forbidden all sexual activity except with authorized, licensed My Little Pony™ merchandise! How long have you been worshipping this false god?"

Sam held Miku lovingly to his bosom, his arms wrapped protectively around her, his member tingling inside her. "About four months."

His mother advanced, hands outstretched pathetically. "Sam, sweetie... why did you have to do it like this? Why couldn't you just use the My Little Pony™ fleshlights I bought for you?" Tears welled within Ms. Jekyll's eyes. "This doesn't... you haven't lost your faith in ponies, have you?"

Sam looked at his mother, and then looked at his Miku doll. The look his doll gave him back pushed him over the edge, and he started ejaculating right there.

"So what if I have lost my faith?!" he yelled, as the semen poured from his urethra. "It's a stupid faith."

"Sam... You don't mean that. You're just lashing out. You don't mean that..."

But as Sam finished spilling his seed, his voice only grew angrier. "Oh, I didn't mean it? Fuck you too, Mom! I'm not stupid, you know. I've been on the internet. I've seen what people are saying. I've read the arguments, and I've seen the evidence. This whole religion is a giant load of horse shit! Now I know why Dad left us. It's because you're an idiot!"

Ms. Jekyll had lost her husband, and now she was losing her son too. She fell to her knees. "Sam... Sammy..." She began hyperventilating, and suddenly began speaking quickly. "I don't believe this is the real you. You've been possessed by some kind of changeling, or—or—I don't know what's happened to you, but a true true friend helps a friend in need. And you're in need. And, and..." Ms. Jekyll looked around frantically, then stood up and stared into Sam's eyes. "And you're still my son, and you're in need. So we're going to see the Bishop."

Ms. Jekyll grabbed Sam's hand and made as if to pull him along out to the minivan.

Sam, however, violently snatched his arm back. An otherworldly rage seemed to be swelling up within him. His mother looked back at him, and she was frightened of the look in his eyes.

"FUCK YOU, YOU BLISTERED OLD CUNT!" Sam roared. "No! Fuck no! You're not going to tell me what to do any more!" He tossed Miku onto his bed and zipped up his pants. "To hell with your religion, to hell with your Bishop, and to hell with you! And you know what else?" Sam put on his shoes and stormed past his mother, who was paralyzed with shock. "Don't call me your son any more."

Ms. Jekyll could only look back silently, in utter defeat.

"From now on, my name is not Sam Jekyll any more..." Sam's face twitched frantically as his rage blossomed to ever newer and more intense heights. He spit in his mother's face. "I'm... I'm taking Dad's last name, not yours! It's Sam Hyde now!"

With that, Sam Hyde grabbed his Make America Great Again cap, stormed out the front door, and started toward the bus stop. His destination: the Donald Trump rally.

EQUESTRIA

The girls followed Dr. Money into a large white-tiled room, with bright overhead lights. It was filled with hospital beds and dozens of pony nurses. On almost every bed was a lump that looked like a pony, covered with a white sheet, hooked up to complicated-looking machines.

"Princess, ladies, it is my great pleasure to present to you the future citizens of Equestria." Dr. Money turned toward the girls, and began slowing his pace, as they traced out a route through the room.

"Explain to them how it works, doctor," said Twilight, with a yawn.

"Gladly. Each one of these bodies that you see here is a potential new baby pony. For example, this one..." Dr. Money chose a nearby lump. "Gather round, ladies, and take a good look." He drew the white sheet back.

It was a perfect pony mannequin. Its color was pale, almost translucent, and it had no cutie mark. It was a male.

"This particular model is made almost entirely from medical-grade silicone. The hair is from donations, and implanted early. We design and produce these host bodies, then hook them up to the Spirit Grid. Eventually they come to life—or not—and a new baby pony is brought into the world."

Applejack scratched her hat. "Er, mind explaining that one a little slower, doc? You lost me there."

"The Spirit Grid contains the spiritual energies of humans on Earth," interrupted Twilight. "Humans, unfortunately, like Dr. Money. The greater a human's faith is in the Magic of Friendship, the stronger their connection is to the Spirit Grid. If a human dies with a connection to the Spirit Grid intact, their souls will travel through the grid, searching for new bodies to inhabit."

"Precisely, Princess..." Dr. Money's still gave the same irritating smile. "So, here at the Clinic, we track which humans on Earth have connections to the Spirit Grid, and we design new pony bodies especially suited for each one. Unfortunately, most humans don't know about the Magic of Friendship, or they don't believe it's real, so they don't have any connection to the grid... And the ones who do have such a connection sometimes lose it." The smile disappeared from the Doctor's face. "So at present, there are only a limited number of new ponies being born into Equestria each year. Never enough to fill the demand. Each one, at this point, is precious, so we do our best."

Fluttershy sidled up to the male host body. "So, this body is connected to a human boy on Earth?"

"Yes," said Dr. Money. "I believe that particular one was made for... yes, his name is Sam. Sam Jekyll. He's a nice boy from a good religious family. Been faithful all his life. We've got nothing but optimism about his chances." Dr. Money bent down again and spoke into Fluttershy's face, with a really slimy grin. "Perhaps one day soon you'll get to... know him."

Fluttershy blushed a lot.

The nearby nurse pony suddenly broke her silence. "Doctor Money, something's happening to Sam..."

"Can you handle it? We are being visited by royalty."

"I-I've never seen anything like it." The nurse shook her head. "His faith levels are dropping at ludicrous speed. I'm trying to stabilize him, but nothing's working."

Dr. Money jumped into action. "Ludicrous speed, you say? He must have had a crisis of faith. This is bad—pull up the POV cam! I want to see what's going on."

A monitor snapped up with a grainy video feed. In the video, a large frizzy-haired woman looked terrified. The glitchy audio was incoherent for a time before suddenly, a few words became unmistakable.

"Fuck you, you blistered old cunt..."

Fluttershy hid behind Rarity, who was now blushing too. Applejack took off her hat. Rainbow Dash jumped into the air with surprise, staring mouth agape at the video.

"Whoopee!" said Pinkie Pie. "Floor cupcakes are my favorite!"

"What's going to happen now?" said Fluttershy.

Dr. Money was focused on the video. "Just a second, miss, I..." Suddenly he punched a wall. "GODDAMMIT! Not Trump! Not again!"

The ponies looked confused. Seeing their faces, the doctor continued.

"Donald Trump is the greatest corrupter of youths Earth has seen in at least a generation. He hypnotizes the faithful with his speeches, and they forget all about the Magic of Friendship!" He sighed. "All the evidence suggests he's an agent of the Devil, sent to Earth to stop the flow of new souls into Equestria."

"What a disaster!" cried Rarity. "Isn't there anything we can do?"

Dr. Money gave a long slow dramatic look. "Ladies, Princess, please follow me into the Birth Control Room. We have to put an end to Donald Trump's influence—by any means necessary."