Necromancy and You: An Idiot's Guide

by Hclegend

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Starlight Glimmer
Length: 3090

Twilight finds a book on necromancy and proceeds to learn just how ridiculous and illegal it actually is.

Twilight Sparkle, archmage, local Princess and part time friendship tutor, finds a book about a long lost school of magic on her doorstep.
It just so happens that the actual act of necromancy is more difficult than your average spell. Follow Twilight as she attempts to find virgins to sacrifice, carve pentagrams into her floor and generally do evil necromancy things.
All in the pursuit of knowledge, of course.

Published 2016-07-12 17:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-12 17:30:01 UTC

Necromancy Can't Be That Difficult, Right?

It was a beautiful day outside. Birds were singing, flowers were blooming...

And Twilight Sparkle was bored stiff. Her friends weren’t up to anything major, Ponyville wasn’t burning to the ground (And she wasn’t going to try burning it down again. Not after last time). and she had already read through her entire library. Again.

Thankfully, for the purposes of this story, she was about to get a special delivery.

DING DONG!

“Strange,” Twilight mused, as she sluggishly moved her body towards the front door of her magical castle. “I don’t recall having a doorbell.”

Answering the door, she found nopony there.

“Huh. Swore I heard a doorbell… Wait a second!” Twilight realized, slapping her hoof to her forehead, “I DON’T HAVE a doorbell!”

Feeling silly for answering the door when there was nopony there, she started to trot back in…

DING DONG!

When the not-doorbell rang again.

“What the hay is going on here?” Twilight said to herself, pondering on the thought that this could just be a prank set up by her close friend Rainbow Dash, she started to wander outside when she tripped on a strange object.

“Ugh. My face…” Twilight groaned, getting back up to her hooves and rubbing her muzzle, looking for the object that tripped her up.

DING DONG!

“Oh for Faust’s sake, WHAT?” Twilight yelled at seemingly nothing, before noticing the small rectangular object that was the cause of all this trouble.

It appeared to be a book of some sort, (Which made Twilight silently squeal with glee) with a rather plain brown cover that appeared to be wrapped in leather (Which was very rare in Equestria, due to the restrictions on using cattle for THAT purpose.) and looked like it had been forgotten for centuries. The title, written in (what appeared to be) pony blood, clearly spelt out “Necromancy and You: An Idiots Guide, by Grogar, Lord of Tambelon.”

Inspecting the book with her magic, Twilight noticed a note attached to the book:

“Dear reader: Thank you for purchasing my book, “Necromancy and You: An Idiot’s Guide”. You will be delighted to know that you now own the single best book for learning necromancy. Enjoy!”

Grogar, Lord of Tambelon and author of “Necromancy and You: An Idiot’s Guide”.

Twilight stared at the book, waiting for it to burst into flames or disappear. The mere existence of this book was a miracle, never mind it somehow ending up on her doorstep!

“I must study this book IMMEDIATELY!” Twilight yelled, attracting some funny looks from nearby onlookers. Twilight blushed, before hugging her new best friend and bolting back into her castle, slamming the door behind her with a mighty SMASH!.

Once inside with her precious, Twilight decided to do the responsible thing when a mysterious book on highly illegal magic appears on your front doorstep, which was to inform Princess Celestia of this book’s existence… After reading it, to ensure that the knowledge would not be lost.

Twilight teleported to her study, making sure that nopony (or dragon) saw her with this forbidden magic. Hastily grabbing a quill and a piece of paper, Twilight wrote down a letter:

Dear Princess Celestia.

I found this mysterious book about necromancy on my front doorstep and I have learned some necromancy in order to ensure that ~~I will be able to dominate Equestria~~ Equestria will be safe from would-be necromancers.

After all, knowing your enemy is the first step to victory.

Your Former Student

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Twilight sighed as she put down her quill. Her hoofwriting was awful, even with magical assistance and it made her miss Spike a little bit, if only so that she could multitask better. Too bad he was in the Dragonlands, “Negotiating” with the new Dragonlord, Ember.

“Well, at least he’s out of my mane for a while.” Twilight concluded, rolling her letter up using her magic, before sealing it with a ribbon and placing it by her side, ready to send off.

“Now, onto the actual necromancy! I’m so excited to read about this long forgotten art!” Twilight squealed with glee as she opened the book, letting dust fly out of the tattered pages. After taking a minute to casually choke on some of the dust, Twilight started reading the forbidden tome.

Chapter 0: Preparations For Necromancy.

There are several things that need to be accomplished before you can start performing necromancy. Firstly, you will need to be in a quiet room, maybe a study, maybe the bathroom, whatever.

Secondly, ensure that you are the only entity in the room. Attempting necromancy while there are other mortal beings in the room may cause nausea, panic attacks, heartburn, spontaneous combustion, sudden bowel movements, broken bones, death and mild indigestion. I’d advise that you check this now before reading on.

Twilight looked around the room, before noticing her pet owl, Owlicious had somehow gotten in. After carefully defenestrating the bird, Twilight went back to reading.

Remember how I said that you needed to be the only mortal in the room? I forgot the part where you need a virgin sacrifice. And yes, it has to be a virgin. The necromancy gods demand it!

Twilight sighed. How was she supposed to get a virgin sacrifice at this time of the afternoon? The virgin store wasn’t even open until midnight!

And then Twilight got an idea. A wickedly awful idea. She knew who she could turn to at a time like this...

“No Twilight, you cannot use my sister as a virgin sacrifice in order to perform dark magic. Why would you even think that I would allow that?” Rarity stated flatly, not looking up from her copy of the Foal Free Press.

“But Rarity!” Twilight pleaded “If this works, I will unlock the secrets of magic itself! How could you not allow this?”

Rarity sighed, placing her newspaper down and taking a long sip of her tea before giving Twilight a half lidded “Really?” look. “Twilight, stop trying to exploit my generosity for magical domination. It got old after your attempt at burning Ponyville down. I am not letting you kill my sister for her virgin blood. I’m not even sure she’s a virgin anyway.” Rarity stated, before picking her newspaper backup in her magic and continuing to read.

“FINE. Be that way you who- Wait, Sweetie’s not a virgin?” Twilight asked, processing Rarity’s last statement properly.

“Darling, she’s a smaller and cuter version of me. Of course the colts would be all over her.” Rarity said, taking another sip of tea. “All I ask of her is that she uses protection and to not get pregnant. It’s not like I was any better at her age anyway… Twilight?”

Rarity put her paper down, only to realize that Twilight had disappeared.

“Typical.”

“Ah’m sorry Twilight,” Applejack droned with her southern drawl, “But Apple Bloom is grounded for going out with that orange colt with the purple mane.”
“You mean Scootaloo?” Twilight enquired?
“Probably. He did fly about as well as Scootaloo when Ah threw him out of the window.” Applejack replied bluntly.
Twilight sighed. None of the Crusaders were available for a virgin sacrifice? This was terrible! How could she experiment with the dark arts now?
“Um, Twi? Yer kinda just standin’ there… It’s freakin’ me out.” Applejack pointed out, snapping Twilight out of her panic before she stepped away from the Apple’s door, Applejack then simply slammed the door in the lavender wizard’s face.
“Well, that was rude.” Twilight stated loud enough for Applejack to hear, before teleporting away.

Twilight sighed, throwing a nearby glass vase out of the window as she wandered back into the room with that troublesome book. Why did necromancy need to involve virgins anyway? Is it just a taste thing, or did it lessen the risk of impure blo-
Twilight stopped herself as she read the next page.

We do realize that you won’t be able to acquire virgin blood 100% of the time. After all, finding a virgin is hard enough, never mind dragging one kicking and screaming back to your lair.
Well, we found an alternate solution! Substitute the blood for a bottle of extra virgin olive oil! It’s ingenious!*

Twilight paused to throw another glass vase out of the window. At this rate, she’d need to go to the vase store, but that didn’t matter. She could have saved so much time!
Going to the kitchen and avoiding the proverbial minefield that was the mess Spike had left behind (The lazy lizard), Twilight found a half empty bottle of olive oil lying next to a goat. Grabbing the bottle with her magic, she wandered back into the Room of Impending Smashed Vases and Necromancy (She really needed to get around to naming these rooms.)

Opening the book once again, olive oil in hoof, she continued.

Finally, you need some place for your necromantic creation to spawn. While this can be done without one, it’ll generally just pop up wherever it feels like and will most likely be dead again within ten seconds. A pentagram is preferable, although our researchers have had success with tall triangles, odd octagons and hellish hearts.

As there was a diagram of a pentagram on the opposite page, Twilight was able to carve a large (and slightly lopsided) pentagram on the crystalline floor. After re-reading the chapter to ensure she had everything prepared, Twilight finally flipped the page over to Chapter 1.

“Chapter 1: Necromantic Basics”
The first thing you should know about necromancy is that fiction really downplays how difficult it is. You don’t just shout some words and a random centaur pops out of your portal demanding rent money. It requires knowing what arcane school to use, positioning, and channeling your magic correctly. Just mindlessly trying to summon any old undead is going to get a novice necromancer killed. For now, let’s try animating a plant.”

“Ugh, this book is going to take forever to read.” Twilight grumbled to herself. While she wouldn’t normally mind taking her time to read a book, the last time she did that to a forbidden book, the Apple Family’s barn ended up being burned down. And she was STILL paying for that, damnit!

“Damned Apple scammers, wanting a cut of my Princess money…” Twilight grumbled to herself again, before skipping a few pages on extremely basic necromancy that basically amounted to nothing useful. Twilight was a Princess, damnit! She could learn ANY spell easily! She didn’t need some step by step guide to cast something as basic as reanimation!

“Chapter 3: Your First Undead”

“Now that you have mastered the basic skills required to practice necromancy, it’s time to put those skills to the test! Follow the steps outlined in Chapters 1-2, but instead of targeting the test plant, aim your spell at your summoning circle/triangle/heart/whatever you carved into the floor earlier.

Steeling herself for what was to come, Twilight charged her horn, feeling the power flow through her body like water. Today, Twilight would do what nopony had done in centuries; reanimate the dead.

Rearing herself up, Twilight launched her built up magical charge straight at the summoning circle, causing the spell to dissipate and activate the summoning circle, which glowed in a eerie and foreboding green.

Twilight put a hoof under her chin, thinking about the implications of actually raising the dead for the first time. Would the undead retain memories from their former lives? Are they mindless abominations, or do they feel just like a normal pony?

All questions that would remain unanswered, as the circle suddenly exploded into life, blinding the youngest alicorn princess and filling the Castle of Friendship with light and screams.

As expected, most ponies around the general area didn't really notice anything different. Either that or they didn't give a damn.

When the dust finally settled in the Room of Necromancy Related Shenanigans, not only was the floor shattered into many pieces due to the force of the explosion, but there were now to entities in the room. The first was of course, Princess Twilight Sparkle.

The other however, was a equine-like being, with a body covered in a dull blue fur and a small poofy tail. The creature's face had two red, foreboding eyes with bags under them and large, menacing eyebrows above them. Additionally, this thing had two large spiral horns protruding from his head. Underneath the eyes was a snout resembling that of a goat and a mouth that looked like it had been used for a lot of evil cackling in the past. To top the image off, it rather fittingly had a goatee and a bell around it's neck, kept in place by a red belt covered in gold discs.

Twilight could only stare in awe of the creature she had summoned. Had magic gone too far? What sort of creature did she bring back from the grave? Was it some sort of long extinct creature that ponykind was never supposed to lay eyes upon?

Did she leave the kettle on?

Before these questions could be answered, the goat-like creature cleared its throat, causing Twilight to snap out of her panic induced state.

"I am Grogar, Ruler of Tambelon, Lord of Darkness and author of several highly rated books about necromancy. Why have you summoned me to the mortal plain of existence?" he spoke in a tone that made Twilight's blood freeze.

Clearly she had left the kettle on.

Before anything else could go wrong, a vaguely familiar unicorn casually trotted into the room, holding a cup of tea in her cyan magic.

"Hey Twilight. Finally getting on with necromancy are you? Good for you." Starlight Glimmer said, who didn't notice the demonic goat thing in the middle of the summoning not-quite circle. Placing the tea down and finally looking at Grogar, she turned to the book of necromancy, then gave a look towards the mulberry mage.

"Did you use olive oil?"

Twilight was admittedly caught off guard by the question. She would have expected a question along the lines of "What the bucking Tartarus are you doing, Twilight?" or "Celestia dammit Twilight, again with the evil books of darkness?", but this casual questioning of her summoning methods was surprising.

"Oh right, I couldn't find a suitable virgin to sacrifice and the book recommended some olive oil as a substitute. Why do you ask?"

Starlight sighed before grabbing the bottle of olive oil Twilight had used in order to summon the undead, "Just as I thought. You used standard olive oil instead of extra virgin."

Starlight gave an eye roll towards the Princess of Friendship, before throwing the bottle away and trotting up to the famed Lord of Darkness. "It seems that my friend, despite being a massive book nerd, didn't read the instructions clearly enough. I can only apologize for her foolishness, Grogar."

Twilight's jaw promptly hit the floor with enough force to crack the crystal. "You two know each other?" She exclaimed, the volume of her yelling nearly causing a window to crack.

"Yes Twilight," Starlight deadpanned, "We know each other. How else would I be a walking magical superweapon with unresolved, emotionally crippling issues? You think that stuff just magically happens? You were influenced by a deity with an addiction to cake, I was influenced by a long forgotten dark magical wizard goat thing."

Twilight had picked her jaw up from the floor at this point, so she only really had one more thing to ask, "So, if I summoned Grogar with this necromancy book, is it really a book on necromancy?"

Starlight gave it a quick once over, before removing the cover of the book, revealing that it was a book on how to summon demons from Tartarus.

How to Summon Demons: The Basic Unicorn's Guide.
By Grogar and Starlight Glimmer.

"Twilight, necromancy hasn't been illegal for 1000 years. It's why Timberwolves exist. It's just that there are no willing subjects for magical experimentation, or at least for ponies. I've heard that changelings have had some success with it. Demonic summoning is illegal, which is why we had to hide the book under the cover of a necromancy guide. Anypony not knowledgeable in the arcane arts won't give a second glance to this, as most mages know that there's no sort of stable necromancy spell for unicorns at the moment." Starlight rattled off proficiently, while Twilight stared in awe.

Starlight gave a smug grin before continuing "I mean, how else could I not only magically engineer a spell that could steal a pony's cutiemark, but also improve Starswirl's time travel spell? Sometimes you just need a little experience in a different arcane school to get the job done."

There was one thing bothering Twilight, however. "So, why are there instructions for necromancy inside of this then?"

Starlight gave the same concerned look that one would give to an orphaned puppy, "Because as I said Twilight, nobody knows how to use necromancy effectively on a pony. These are literally instructions for demon summoning, with it being rewritten to say necromancy. It's a measure I took in order to prevent anyone from outright claiming that this was a book for demon summoning, After all, you fell for it, and you're a Princess."

Twilight was about to comment on the absolute absurdity of those odds, when Grogar spoke up. "If you two don't need me for anything else, I'll be returning to Tartarus now. Cerberus will be making his rounds soon and I don't want the Princesses knowing of my secret backdoor."

He then promptly sank back inside of the summoning circle, seeming to absorb the darkness surrounding him before the room was as it was before.

Starlight was the first to talk out of the pair "Well, that was a fun distraction. Want to do something together? Read up on arcane techniques, question how I managed to summon a demon from Tartarus without anypony knowing, go bowling... Twilight?"

Twilight simply turned to Starlight and said, "Bowling sounds good."

Author's Note

After some privately consulted feedback, I added the line about it being disguised as a necromancy book even though it was a book about demon summoning.

This is why you don't ad-hoc a twist, folks. Also, don't ad-hoc a fic in general. Tends to not end well.