Jugemu Jugemu Gokō-no Surikire Kaijarisuigyo-no Suigyōmatsu Unraimatsu Fūraimatsu Kuunerutokoro-ni Sumutokoro Yaburakōji-no Burakōji Paipopaipo Paipo-no-Shūringan Shūringan-no Gūrindai Gūrindai-no Ponpokopī-no Ponpokonā-no Chōkyūmei-no Chōsuke
Jugemu
by Present Perfect
At first, Twilight wasn't sure she'd traveled anywhere at all. Oh sure, she was outside the palace walls now, not to mention, as she turned a circle, there was no Friendship Palace here to begin with. All things considered, this Ponyville looked as it had before she had become a princess and fought Tirek.
"Did I travel back in time by mistake?"
No sooner had the words left her mouth when Twilight saw the first sign that things were truly different here.
Twilight recognized the carrot vendor from Ponyville's marketplace. That yellow coat and those orange curls could belong to nopony else. She was, if Twilight wasn't mistaken, Applejack's neighbor, and grew her carrots on a plot of land she rented from the Apples.
What told Twilight that the multiversal translocation spell had, in fact, worked were the carrot-seller's wings and horn.
As Twilight watched, the pony -- whose bunch-of-carrots cutie mark gave no indication how she might have achieved Princesshood, nor what she might be princess of -- spread wings shaped like Twilight's own, taking off with explosive force.
Her attention drawn upward, Twilight gasped. The sky was full of alicorns! Many of them were ponies she knew by name; all were familiar faces from around Ponyville!
"An Equestria populated entirely by alicorns?" She could barely speak, so awed was she. Never in her wildest dreams could Twilight have imagined such a majestic and poignant sight. What would the other Princesses, alone all these centuries, give to know that there were more out there like them? The very thought brought tears to her eyes.
This is why she was caught completely off guard when two of the alicorns -- one of them looked like Derpy -- suddenly began shouting at one another. She couldn't make out what they were saying, nor could she determine what had gotten them so riled up. They hadn't been close enough to bump into each other or anything. After a few moments of verbal back-and-forth, Derpy drew a long scythe from seemingly nowhere, while her opponent pulled out a spear from, again, no discernable place. The weapons glowed as if heated in a forge, and a second later, both alicorns were using them to shoot lasers at each other.
Twilight's right eyelid twitched. "What."
"AH-HA!"
The somewhat familiar voice to Twilight's left snapped her from her stupor. Turning, she saw, yes, another alicorn. This one looked -- she could hardly believe her eyes -- like Fluttershy. Except for the black streaks in her mane and tail. And the black makeup that looked like mascara running all around her eyes. And the feral sneer painted across her face.
"Thought you could hide from me, eh?" she growled in a most un-Fluttershy-like way. "Twilight Celestia Goku Ulysses Kamen Rider Drive the Hedgehog IV! I, Flutter Celestia Rukia Renamon Asami Dot Widowmaker vas Normandy VI hereby challenge you to combat!"
Fluttershy, whatever she said her name was -- Twilight had lost track after 'Celestia' -- reached back beneath her wings. Pulling forward, two batons emerged with her hooves. Up close, Twilight couldn't say how she'd done it. She'd watched Fluttershy's horn, and there had been no outward sign of magic. More worrisome was the light coming off the batons. Fluttershy, standing upright, held them parallel to her forelegs as they glowed an angry yellow.
"Arm yourself!" she shouted.
Twilight took a step back. "Fluttershy, why are you doing this? And how could there have been five ponies with that exact name?"
"What?" Fluttershy's mouth curled in stricken horror. "You can't just call me Fluttershy! You have to use the whole thing! The rules say so!"
"I'm sorry, I don't quite follow." Shaking her head, Twilight continued to backpedal. "Look, I don't know what's going on around here, but it's obvious I don't belong. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just be going--"
"But, but..." Fluttershy's stance sagged and her lower lip jutted out. "It's not fair! I just challenged you to combat." She stomped her hoof. "You have to fight me! I'm gonna tell!"
Twilight was momentarily torn between comforting the trembling alicorn who looked vaguely like her friend and magicking the butt out of there. Her concentration was broken by a second voice out of the sky.
"And just what are you gonna tell them, Flutter Celestia Rukia Renamon Asami Dot Widowmaker vas Normandy VI?"
"Pinkie?" Twilight squeaked, recognizing the voice.
Again, the alicorn bore only the vaguest resemblance to her longtime friend. She was properly pink on pink, but her mane was flat instead of curly, and her mouth, it seemed, was lined with sharp teeth. She came out of the sky like a thunderbolt, shaking the ground between Twilight and Fluttershy while cackling demonically.
She thrust her hoof at Twilight and declared, "That's Pinkamina Celestia Freakazoid Murderface Onyxia Megatron Alucard Sasuke Puella Magi Papyrus XII to you!" Moving like a cobra, she swung her head toward Fluttershy, who seemed to have perked up, bouncing on her rear hooves as Pinkie continued speaking.
"A timid, crybaby alicorn such as you could never hope to defeat a warrior like me! I hereby challenge you, Flutter Celestia Rukia Renamon Asami Dot Widowmaker vas Normandy VI, to mortal combat, Pinkamina Celestia Freakazoid Murderface Onyxia Megatron Alucard Sasuke Puella Magi Papyrus XII style!"
Fluttershy's eyes shone with feral intensity as Pinkie, etc. etc., drew an enormous hammer from behind herself. Despite the fact that Twilight was behind Pinkie, she still had no idea where the darned thing had come from. Tiring of the inexplicable, and fearing the impending battle, she took cover in a nearby bush.
"Pinkamina Celestia Freakazoid Murderface Onyxia Megatron Alucard Sasuke Puella Magi Papyrus XII!" shouted Fluttershy, hefting her batons. "Prepare yourself!"
Pinkie crouched low, the hammer held high above her head. "I was born ready, Flutter Celestia Rukia Renamon Asami Dot Widowmaker vas Normandy VI!"
The head of the hammer glowed green. The batons shone like miniature suns.
"Stop this, both of you!" Twilight shouted, though she had a feeling it would amount to nothing. "You're supposed to be friends!"
The air was rent by the shriek of energy beams lancing from the two weapons. Though they both roared wordlessly, neither alicorn moved. It didn't help that Twilight's vision was quickly obscured as the storm of lasers kicked up a cloud of dust. It was just one more impossibility to add to the list today.
She also tried not to be too concerned by the fact that this moment would have been the perfect one to escape. But she just couldn't go without knowing what had happened to the two alicorns. She began weaving the first line of matrices for her travel spell, just in case.
At long last, the dust cleared. There was no trace of Fluttershy. Pinkie, still holding the same stance, panted hard. She stood, twirling her hammer, and replaced it behind herself, where it disappeared. Turning, she grinned triumphantly at where Twilight had been.
"Flutter Celestia Rukia Renamon Asami Dot Widowmaker vas Normandy VI!" she shouted. "You were a fool to think you could defeat somepony with more names than you! Now I, Pinkamina Celestia Freakazoid Murderface Onyxia Megatron Alucard Sasuke Puella Magi Papyrus Fluffle Puff XII, am the strongest pony in Equestria!"
"You killed her," Twilight breathed, forgetting for the moment that she was supposed to be hiding. Tears sprang to her eyes. "She was your friend, and you killed her. For a name?"
Pinkie rolled her eyes. "Well, duh. She'll respawn tomorrow as Flutter Celestia Rukia Renamon Asami Dot Widowmaker vas Normandy VII and try to defeat me again." She grinned and polished a hoof on her chest. "Not that any old pony can defeat the mighty Pinkamina Celestia--"
Twilight had heard enough. She leapt from her hiding bush and galloped off toward where her castle should be. All around her, alicorns swooped down from the heavens, shouting challenge after challenge.
"I, Golden Celestia Doctor Who Malfoy--"
"No, I, Noteworthy Celestia Cersei Xerneas--"
"Not before I, Cloud Celestia Doomguy Jotaro--"
Twilight shut her eyes and kept running as the second and third layers of the spell built. By the time each alicorn had finished reciting its name, she was well outside their range and their attention would have diverted to somepony else.
Twilight was almost at the site she had entered this universe when a seven-colored blur swept down across her.
"Stop right there, Twilight Celestia Goku Ulysses Kamen Rider Drive the Hedgehog IV!" shouted the mare from behind her. "For I, Rainbow Celestia Kaiba--"
"Nope!" yelled Twilight, and released the spell.
When she awoke, Twilight was surrounded by the familiar walls of her castle. She immediately started making out with the nearest colonnade, moaning thank yous, until she heard a voice behind her.
"Twilight, did you get into Pinkie's secret stash again?"
Twilight spun around, cheeks burning. Spike stood behind her, holding something she couldn't make out and looking rather bemused.
"Spike!" she cried, and jumped on him, hugging him tightly. "I was just in the most horrible place!"
"Gah!" Spike yelled, pushing feebly against her. "Lay off the mushy stuff, sister!"
"I'm just so happy to see you!" she said, wiping tears from her eyes. Clearing her throat, she stood and helped him up, then gave him a suspicious look. "Wait. Your name is just Spike, right?"
"Uh... yeah?"
"It doesn't contain the word 'Celestia' or anything that sounds like it came out of one of your Neighponese comics?"
Spike frowned. "They're called 'manga', Twilight."
"And there's only one you, right?"
He threw his hands up. "Yes! I'm Spike the Dragon, the one and only!"
She smiled, relaxing. "Thank goodness. Have I got a story to tell you later!" Stretching a little, she smacked her lips. "But first, I think that spell took a lot out of me. You hungry?"
"Nah," he said, climbing onto her back as she made her way toward the dining room and kitchen, "I just ate. But your friends are all here, so we can begin the feast!"
"Feast?" The word caught her off guard.
Spike didn't reply, so Twilight stayed quiet. Sure enough, when they reached the castle dining hall, all her friends were there, even Starlight Glimmer.
And also herself.
"Wait," said Spike. "If you're here, but also there, then that means..."
Twilight's eyes shrank to pinpricks as she realized what the ponies were eating.
The table -- not to mention the floor, walls, and part of the ceiling -- was covered in blood, skin, entrails and organs of all manner of description. Her gall rising, Twilight reared back and loosed a bloodcurdling shriek. Her friends and doppelganger did the same, except that their screams were accompanied by their faces splitting open vertically to reveal sharp fangs dripping with ichor. And tentacles springing from their manes and backs. Lots of tentacles.
Twilight screamed louder.
In the kitchen doorway, a green-maned purple alicorn stepped into view, surveying the screaming pony-things. The purple and indigo dragon on his back rubbed her eyes, as though she had just woken from a nap.
"Did we make it home okay?" asked Twilight the Dragon.
Prince Spike frowned at the female alicorn and male dragon on the other side of the gore-soaked room.
"Not this shit again."
Author's Note
Explanation of title. Alternate version for weeaboos.
So the story behind this isn't too interesting, it's just a goofy AU where everyone has stupid-long names that I dreamed up back in season two. The story of why I wrote it now, however, has to do with having seen a fic recently that was a retelling of Tikki Tikki Tembo, a story I remember from my childhood. Looking that up brought me to Jugemu, which I realized I had seen previously in that FMA video linked above. So I figured it was a perfect excuse to dig this thing out and slap you people with it. :B No, it has nothing to do with the original Jugemu beyond "people have long names they have to recite all the time". It's probably the worst fic I've ever written.
Thanks to Derpator for suggesting Thing-ponies in the end and Thorax for suggesting Prince Spike and Twilight the Dragon. Thanks to Deluxe Magnum, ferret and Pasco for feedback!
