When Sometimes It Just Can't Be Helped
When Sometimes It Just Can't Be Helped
"I'm so happy you accepted my offer and came to lunch with me, Anon. I haven't seen you smile like that since you first arrived in Equestria. Who knew you could charm the nobles of Canterlot so easily?"
"I guess I just forgot how much fun it was go out and talk to people. I used to do it a lot when I was back home, and I don't think I charmed them so much as I entertained. Though, it was still a joy to be out and about again, I enjoyed their company, yours too. It was fun."
"I'm glad to hear that, Anon."
Yes, it was a truly wonderful luncheon. When Celestia invited you out earlier today with a few other nobles you were hesitant at first but then thought "what the hell", you were in a pleasant mood already. So out you went, you wined and dined, regaled the nobles with tales of humanity and of your rambunctious youth, you made jokes, you laughed and were merry for awhile. Though none of it relieved the empty numbness you felt inside.
So here you are now, walking with Celestia back to your room in the castle, or more appropriately, Celestia was escorting you back to your room.
You couldn't blame her.
When you arrived at your room you opened your door and were about to bid your farewell, but Celestia stopped you with a with a wing, gaining your attention.
"I meant what I said, Anon. I really am glad you made an effort to go out today, you have improved so much this past month."
She took a breath before she continued with a solemn look on her face.
"I understand what you're going through must seem... extraordinarily difficult, but please remember that you have friends all around you, and that we all care."
You stepped closer to her, placing a hand on her chest.
"I know, Celestia, I know. But like you said, I've been getting better this past month, and I think I'm actually starting to learn to let go. I appreciate what you and everyone else has done for me and I can't thank you all enough. You're a good friend, Celestia, thank you."
You wrapped both your arms around her and hugged her, enjoying the comforting warmth of another living being.
"You are as well, Anon." She returned the hug fully with a foreleg and wing. When your embrace was finished she kept a wing tip on your cheek, still keeping a protective hold on you. "Just remember, if you need anypony to speak to, don't hesitate to ask."
Gently removing her primary off of your face, you smiled at her. "Don't worry, when I'm ready to talk, I'll know where to find you."
She returned the smile warmly at you, believing you would be okay for now. "I hope so. I'll see you at dinner then. Be well, Anon." She left after that.
"See you at dinner, Celestia. Bye!" Waving goodbye you closed the door and let out a sigh.
That Celestia. She was a good mare. A good mare with a profound sense of generosity and a loving kindness that was impossible to find anywhere else. Knowing this though, it just made you feel all the more guilty for what you were going to do.
For what you were going to do to her.
Turning your back on the door, you looked at your room. They gave it to you when you moved here from Twilight's castle in Ponyville, or more appropriately, relocated you from Ponyville. But somehow this room made you feel even lonelier, knowing that you were just its temporary occupant, a fleeting fancy just like all the other guests that stayed in this room during the centuries pass. How many guests have stayed in this room you wonder, how many more will fill its walls with their presence long after you've left.
Just like you planned earlier, you walk to the stationery desk and sit down, the pen and paper are already laid out, all you need to do is write, so write you shall. You pen down all you need to, recalling every moment you spent here to help explain why you're doing what you're doing.
When you first arrived in this world you were frightened and alone, wandering the wilderness for hours until you finally came upon a small town, which you would later come to learn was called “Ponyville”. When you met the locals you were met with fear and confusion but this quickly dissipated as you explained your situation, that's when you met Princess Twilight Sparkle. She preformed strange tests and all types of magical scans on you and when all was said and done she assured you that she could figure out how you came to be here and find a way to send you back.
During this, you spent all your time among the locals and enjoying everything that you could here. You met Twilight's friends and learned to enjoy their company, you partied with Pinkie Pie, raced with Rainbow Dash and Applejack, bonded with Fluttershy over her animals and made yourself new clothes with Rarity. You met the other Princesses, drank with Berry Punch, handed out the mail with Derpy Hooves and gem hunted with Spike. You had fun and wacky adventures there, you lived, you laughed.
But life wouldn't be life if it didn't come crashing down on you as how it loves to do so on mere mortals. Three months time had passed and you were becoming worried, the amount of questions that would be asked if you were to miraculously reappear now would be staggering but at least you would be back with your friends and family. You could even write a book about your time here, of course you would have to embellish and change a few facts so it would sound like you were abducted by aliens instead of prancing on a planet packed with magically powered pony princesses.
God! you were even starting to alliterate like them now!
As you were the thinking of the implications of returning home at that time, Twilight came to you with a damning revelation. Even as hard as she tried with as much time she had, she still couldn't figure out how you got here or how to even send you back. She told you that even with the other princesses help they probably wouldn't be able to find your home world in your lifetime, she explained what made it worse was that you and your kind had no magical signature to help pinpoint where you came from, to know that your home was just an insignificant rock hurtling through the void, not even worthy of a footnote. To know that you were stuck here indefinitely.
She apologized profusely but you never said anything after that.
That was the turning point for you. During the next month you slowly started going out less, speaking less and finally, eating less. It just didn't sit right with you anymore, knowing that everything you had worked so hard for, everyone that you loved and held dear were gone forever.
Stolen.
Your new friends noticed your change in mood immediately and tried to help the best they could, though none of them succeeded. Each one tried in their own way, Applejack cooked you her world famous apple pie but I just reminded you of your mother's home cooked meals and how much you enjoyed them when you visited your parents for the holidays. Pinkie Pie tried throwing you a "Sorry You Can't Go Home" party but was quickly talked out of it by the others, so instead she took to trying to make you smile by any means necessary. From slapstick to knock knock jokes, she tried every gag and pun she had at her disposal. She only reminded you of your little sister that was taken from you, of how she was random and ditzy, doing anything she could to get a rise out of someone, making inappropriate cracks at inappropriate times, and succeeding. It was a wonder how she ever got her boyfriend to stay.
Rainbow Dash came by and sympathized with a moment in her life when something was briefly taken from her and how she turned to reading to help escape, when she departed she left behind a book titled “Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone”. The book cover instantly reminded you of Indiana Jones and in turn reminding you of all times you've seen that movie series with your father, and every other movie you saw with him. All those moments in life you spent bonding together over those cinematic adventures and the friendly arguments over them. It reminded you of all the new movies that you won't be able see with him.
The rest came and went, trying and failing in their own way. Though, there was one exception.
When Berry Punch showed up next you expected her wanting to treat you to a night on the town, but instead she just gave you a solemn look and a full bottle of liquor. Out of all of them, she somehow understood the most. You drank until you had a fine buzz that night, so fine that you were actually able to have a good night's sleep for once. When you woke up the next morning you continued to drink the pain away, though eventually the bottle ran dry. Finding Ponyville's watering hole and making it your new home, you funneled whatever money you made during your stay here into keeping the pain away, bottle after bottle, night after night. But even that stopped working after awhile.
You were now in the middle of your fifth month here in your new hell when an idea suddenly popped into your mind, An all consuming and increasingly tempting idea. Never once have you thought about suicide in the entirety of your life until now, it was a cold feeling for sure, but not one without a certain comfort to it. You were now staring in the mirror, shocked but not surprised. The bright and bubbly man that was first thrusted into this world was now gone, in his place was you, a hollowed and dying creature. Your eyes were bloodshot from the many tears you have shed and the many sleepless nights you suffered through, gone was your healthy tan, long faded from the amount of hours you spent at the bar or in your bed.
Killing this creature in front of you would seem a mercy now, but you never wanted to leave too grisly of a scene for the ponies to find you. You also wanted something peaceful, hanging yourself didn't sit right with you, if you didn't do it right you were left in a state of panic and a burning desire to breathe. Slitting your wrists while in a hot bath sounded more appealing, but you didn't like the idea of someone being scarred for life by finding you lifeless in a bathtub full of your own blood, especially Spike.
So you never did anything for awhile. Until one night, a very stormy night, a very low night. You stumbled drunkenly out of the castle and the into chilling rain, howling winds and raging lightning storm. You stumbled until you found a park bench, sitting down, you waited... and waited. Waiting for that fateful bolt of lightning to fry your brain, your heart, your life. You were soaked to the bone and deafened by the thunderous roars, but every time a bolt of lightning struck something nearby you felt a great heavenly warmth embrace you. While you were enjoying this feeling you had your eyes closed, never noticing Twilight sprinting in your direction.
When she finally reached you she threw herself on you and placed a shield of magic around the both of you, just in time for a bolt of lightning to strike above your now protected head. Not even flinching from the strike, Twilight screamed at you to explain yourself. You just stared at her numbly, staring into her big beautiful eyes with your cold dead ones. You could see a confused pain in them, demanding to know why you're out here yet already knowing half the answer. You couldn't take it anymore. You closed your eyes and hugged her tightly, you hugged her and cried, you cried and told the truth.
You both sobbed into each other for hours, mourning for what's become of you. When you were finished wailing into the night both of you returned to the castle, you went to sleep but Twilight woke Spike to send a letter to the Princess, informing her of what's happening to you. The response is almost immediate, you are to be relocated to Canterlot for close observation under the crown. The next morning you are roused by the noise of Twilight packing your things, you're informed of what's going to happen and you barely have enough time to say goodbye to everyone before your ride gets here. A chariot lands in front of the castle, pulled by royal guards. You guessed Celestia was serious about this. You packed your belongings in the chariot and waved goodbye as it took off.
During the flight you briefly wondered if you should just jump off but thought secondly of it, the guards had probably been alerted for such a thing and could no doubt catch you faster than you could hit the ground. When you finally arrive in Canterlot and are able to exit the passenger box, you were greeted to a charging motherly Celestia who quickly hugs you like no tomorrow, you barely manage to weakly hug her back. She tells you that you're going to be staying in the castle itself during your stay, this shocks you as you were expecting to be placed in a psychiatric hospital on suicide watch, but Celestia thought otherwise. She thought that placing you in a cold medical facility and being treated by doctors with clinical demeanors would make you feel even more isolated than you already were. Yeah, she's smart like that.
So you stayed in the castle under the watchful eye of Celestia herself. For the next month she had you spend almost every waking hour with her or her sister, making sure you were never alone for too long. You figured that you probably weren't going to have a chance to off yourself for awhile, so you played along with them. You pretended to get better, you slowly started to smile more, eat more and laugh more. You pretended to be a man that died back in Ponyville.
Eventually they started to trust you with yourself, giving you more alone time and letting you out into the city itself, under supervision of course. But that too was deemed unnecessary after awhile.
When you woke this morning you had feeling in your gut that today was the day.
This is where you find yourself now.
Finishing your letter you realize that there are some tears on the piece of paper, setting down the pen and wiping your eyes you get up to change into a nice suit that Rarity made for you. There's a saying, if you're going to meet god wear something nice, you liked that, that way when you meet god you can spit in his face in style for sending you here.
Now all dressed up you go to the restroom and quickly find a small black kit, you open it and see the key to your release. You remember the day you "acquired" it, it was on one of your unsupervised outings into the city. You were wondering aimlessly when you suddenly found yourself in a less reputable part of the city, it was getting late and you were about to make your way back to the castle when something caught your eye. It was a shaded alleyway and you could barely make out the two ponies inside, but it was obvious as to what was happening.
When one left and the other stayed behind you made your way to approach them in the alley, when he first saw you he was extremely cautious but once you asked if he had some “scratch” he immediately turned into the salesman that he was. He asked you what you wanted and you asked what was the strongest thing he had, he pulled out a vial of a thick amber colored liquid. He informed you that a quarter of a syringe could knock a full grown minotaur on its ass, you told him you wanted enough for a full shot.
He informed you how expensive it was going to be but you just laughed him off, you could’ve paid for two more doses if you wanted to. With the bits that Celestia gave you to spend at your leisure you paid the stallion, he in turn gave you a syringe kit with your ordered dose. He wished you a good day and walked away, but before he could get too far you called for him. Turning around he asked what you wanted, you just smiled and threw your bit bag at him. He caught it and looked back at you with confusion on his face, but before he could say anything you walked away and returned to the castle.
When you ate dinner with Celestia that night she asked what had happened to the money she gave you.
You lied and said that you gave it to charity.
She commended you for it.
Closing the kit and stuffing it in your pocket, you stared in the mirror. This is it, isn't it? The last time you'll ever see your face. You never thought you'd go out like this, always thinking that you would be surrounded by loved ones on your death bed after living a full life. You knew that if you did this you would be hurting a lot of other people in the process, many ponies grew attached to you in your stay here. You were pretty sure that at least Twilight and Fluttershy wanted to be a little more then "just friends" with you, those two spent the most time trying to cheer you up when you first fell into depression.
But you could never return their affection towards you, how could you? Not when you had your girlfriend waiting for you back home, waiting for the impossible. Oh, how you missed her so, her soft skin, her rich flowing hair, the little quirks that made her adorable, her warmth. Oh, god, how you missed her!
Oh, how You missed everyone back home.
You leave the restroom and pick up your now dry letter, folding it into an envelope and then into your pocket. You left the room in search for the location where you planned on performing the deed, in your journey you tell a guard to inform the Princess that you would be in the castle gardens. The walk through the castle itself is silent and solemn. When you arrive in the gardens you slowly navigate your way towards the secluded spot you picked out, taking in the scenery as you go.
As you're walking through the greenery you have a funny if not morbid thought.
"Walkin' the green mile. I'm walkin' the green mile."
The spot you picked out earlier in the week comes into view, filling your heart with dread and comfort. A lonely tree that sits on top of a hill was, in your eyes, a perfect location to leave this world, it overlooked the city and provided a stunning view. When you finally arrive at the lonely oak you sit under it and just admire the view for awhile. The scenery is perfect, the city and the rest of the grounds look so peaceful from here, you can see the shapes of Pegasi over the city and below them is the hustle and bustle of Canterlot itself. You can't hear any of it though, it's serene and silent.
"An artist would've made a beautiful landscape out of this", you thought.
When you finally had enough of the view you pulled out your phone, unbelievably grateful that it was in your pocket when you were taken from your world and how unicorn magic could keep it alive. Unlocking the phone you go to its gallery and select a picture, a very specific picture. It was of when your sister's boyfriend proposed to her, you all went out that night to celebrate the joyous occasion. You still couldn't figure out how your sister managed to keep him long enough for him to propose.
Somewhere during the celebration someone had the bright idea to take a group picture, immortalizing the joy filled moment. Everyone was in it, your sister and her new fiance, their friends, your parents, your friends and finally, you and your girlfriend. You caressed the digital photo, the faces of your cherished family, so full of happiness and life.
"Hey, guys... long time no see, huh?" You start to feel tears build up. " You wouldn't believe where I've been these past six months." Strain is now becoming evident in your voice. "It uh.. it sure has been crazy and everyone here is so nice, it's been fun, really. But uh.. I think... think I'm ready to come home now." And that's when the dam bursts.
Tears roll down your face as you quietly cry. "Oh god! Ohgod,ohgod,ohgod! I just.. I just want to go home! Please! Just let me go home!" You clutch the phone to your chest and feel a throbbing pain in your heart.
When the tears finally stop you dry your face and take a deep breath, you're ready now. You take out your letter and kit, but before you open the case you go to your phone's music player and find a specific song. You figured it would help with the silence, pressing play you place your phone over the letter so that I doesn't fly away.
Opening the kit you take the syringe and fill it with the amber liquid until it's filled, now full you quickly find a vein in which to mainline your release with. When you penetrate the vein you shoot some in then draw a little blood out then shoot some more in again, you repeat this process until the needle is empty.
You feel the drug's effects immediately and lay down on the grass staring straight up with a smile on your face. There are big white clouds drifting lazily in the sky and the breeze is swaying the tree's branches, sunlight filters through the moving gaps of the leaves and a warm feeling starts to embrace you. The light sometimes dances into your vision making you see a myriad of colors, the effect makes you giggle.
This is a sense of peace you haven't felt in a long time.
Just as the warmth reaches its peak you suddenly feel a sense of profound tiredness and your eyes were starting to get heavy.
This is it, you thought.
As you were enjoying the last moments of consciousness you couldn't help but think back to your time here, when you first arrived on this world and the subsequent time you spent with your new friends. Sure they are going to be hurt when they hear what's happened to you but they have their whole lives here, they'll move on eventually.
Knowing that they'll be fine you started recalling all the good times you had in Ponyville, all the parties you attended, all the ponies you've spoken to, all the lives you touched. Though, thinking back on it, Twilight and her friends were probably your favorite bunch out of that town, it seemed like everyday was an adventure with them.
You loved the time you spent with them, you loved the time you spent with everyone, you loved the time you spent here.
Oh, how you loved it so.
