I don't think this is a lesson in friendship anymore...
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Carpet Munching... For Dummies
I don't think this is a lesson in friendship anymore...
Twilight groaned loudly in her private study, tossing a tall stack of hoof-written ideas into the air.
“This is hopeless!” Twilight exclaimed, throwing her forelegs up in exasperation. “There’s no way I’m going to think of a good friendship lesson for Starlight at this rate! Last time I checked the clock, I only had thirty minutes left to figure out a lesson, and now it’s-”
Right as Twilight looked to the clock on the wall, she heard a knock on the castle door. She sighed and looked down at the littered mess of ideas and crumpled papers.
“I suppose it can’t be helped,” Twilight said to herself as she trotted out of her study, through the castle and to the front doors. Once she arrived there, Spike waddled his way to the doors and opened them wide.
“Heya, Starlight!” Spike greeted.
“Hey, Spike,” she replied to the dragon, then raised her eyes to Twilight.
“Hey, Twilight! I hope you don’t mind that I came by a bit early.”
“No! Not at all!” Twilight said with a small shake of her head, doing her best not to sound nervous. “Why, why would I possibly be upset if you were early! They don’t call me the Princess of Organization and Timeliness for nothing!”
Twilight nervously chuckled. Starlight, confused by her mentor’s behavior, tilted her head as she moved inside, Spike closing the doors behind her.
“I…don’t think anypony calls you that, Twilight,” Starlight said, raising her brow.
“Oh. Well… They should!” the Princess said. “Because I always have a plan! And I’m always organized and know exactly what to do, when I need to do it.”
Just as Spike began to walk away from the door, another knock rang from the castle doors.
“Like, right now,” Twilight quipped. “I need to get the mail. Excuuuse me.”
Twilight moved to the doors, passing the baby dragon, who exchanged an awkward, confused glance with Starlight. Starlight and Spike shrugged to each other in unison. Twilight opened the Castle doors, revealing the familiar mailmare of Ponyville.
"Letters for you, Twilight!" the cross-eyed grey pegasus said with a smile brimming and infectious sweetness.
"Perfect timing!" the Princess said. "All according to plan. See, Starlight? Everything’s under control.”
As Derpy pulled out the letters, Twilight turned to her student. Starlight opened her mouth slightly, unsure of what Twilight was trying to prove to her. With the pegasus pulling out four white envelopes, Twilight accepted them from her in a wave of purple magic from her horn.
"Thank you very much! Have a nice day now," Twilight called after the mare.
The mailmare ran flat into the side of the door, then sauntered out of the castle as Twilight sorted through her mail.
“Twilight, are you okay?” Starlight asked worriedly.
Looking up from her mail, Twilight gave Starlight an unsettling smile.
“Of course! Everything’s fine! Why?” Twilight asked. The glare from Spike and Starlight pierced through Twilight’s facade, causing her to sigh in defeat. “Alright. Fine. I couldn’t figure out your lesson for today, Starlight. But, considering as some sort of lesson isn’t just going to appear out of nowhere, we might as well just pick up tomorrow.”
“Oh, alright,” Starlight said with a shrug. “Well, in that case, I guess I’ll head back home, or something.”
Dusting his claws of non-existent dust, Spike added with, “Well that concludes that chapter. Another day in the riveting life of Princess Twilight. Did we get any good mail at least?”
"Hmm, let's see now, shall we?" she said to herself as Starlight trotted back to the castle’s doors. "Hmm... Junk. Junk. Advertisement for chicken tendies... Huh? What in Celestia’s name is this?"
Twilight ripped the letter in question open and pulled out its contents, revealing a short hoof-written letter. Curious, Starlight stopped in her tracks and turned on the spot, focusing on her teacher.
“What is it, Twilight?” asked Spike.
“Yeah, what is it?” Starlight echoed her dragon friend.
After looking at the two of them, Twilight turned her attention back to the letter and began to read it aloud.
"Dear Princess Twilight. You may not know me, but I've been following your name in the papers since you and your friends defeated Nightmare Moon. I cried tears of joy when you became a Princess, too. In some ways, I consider you one of my friends. You'll have to forgive me, but I don't have many friends, so I thought of sending you a letter first to ask advice."
Twilight blushed at the slightly perfumed paper and gentle, feminine manuscript.
“I’m a simple shop owner in a big city, but I seem to be having problems getting a marefriend. I’ve lived here ever since I was a filly, and have always had friends, but I’ve never had any luck having a close marefriend, if you understand what I’m saying.”
After silently reading ahead a bit, Twilight’s posture straightened and her eyes instantly darted to Starlight. In response, Starlight’s eyes dilated to the size of grapefruits as Spike tilted his head and crossed his arms over his chest.
“What does she mean, Twilight?” Spike asked.
“Spike, go to your room,” both Twilight and Starlight said in unison. That served to greater confuse the baby dragon.
“Why?” he asked.
“Now!” Twilight asserted over him.
Spike unfolded his arms and mumbled under his breath as he stomped up the stairs to his bedroom. Twilight’s blank gaze looked back to Starlight, who mildly snickered.
“That’s quite the letter, Twilight,” Starlight said.
“Yeah,” Twilight replied. “Aaand now it’s done.”
“Oh no! You can’t stop there!” Starlight laughed. There was clearly more to the letter, and Twilight wasn’t fooling her. “Keep going, I need to hear the rest of this.”
Twilight shook her head, then begrudgingly turned her eyes back to the letter.
"So, I was hoping to seek your advice. See, I seem to have a serious problem for when it comes to the bedroom. Mares have always asked for me to ‘eat their carpet’, but I can never seem to please a single mare. Maybe there’s a trick to it that I’m just not getting. I was hoping that you could instruct me on what I need to do to satisfy my future partners. Sincerely, Carpet Munch."
Twilight rolled her eyes and, in one quick motion, folded the letter in her magical grasp.
“Well, that was nice,” she said as she made for the bin in the room’s corner. “And watch as it goes right into the trash.”
“Wait!” Starlight exclaimed. “Maybe this could be my lesson.”
Twilight stopped and turned to Starlight, staring at her incredulously.
“You…want to go teach Miss Munch here how to eat carpet,” Twilight asked, baffled.
Meeting her stare, Starlight shrugged while giving a half hearted smile.
“Yeah! Sure, why not?”
A silence grew, filling the gap between the two mares.
“You do realize she means--”
“Oral sex. Yeah, I get it, Twilight.”
Twilight opened her mouth, then closed it tightly. She then blushed and looked away.
“I had no idea that you were...uh…”Twilight couldn’t seem to be able to find the right words.
“Both teams, Twilight,” Starlight said, raising her hoof while giving a wink and a smile. “Both teams.”
Twilight nodded nervously, then slowly smiled as well.
“Well, I suppose it’s, uh… kind of a friendship problem,” Twilight said, levitating the letter to Starlight. “Alright. Go solve Carpet’s problem. That’s your next friendship lesson.”
Starlight nodded, taking the letter with a hoof.
“Sounds like a plan,” Starlight said confidently. “Leave it to me.”
Starlight looked over the letter once more, taking in all of the details one last time. Carpet Munch mentioned being a city mare, with a wide circle of friends, yet nopony was close or intimate with her.
I can help her, Starlight thought to herself. I’ve picked up mares before. In fact, I’ve picked up a whole cult of mares. Pfft, this should be easy.
Turning the letter over, she noticed the return address on the back. Levitating the letter closer to her face, she examined the manuscript carefully.
“Munch’s store of Carpet and Drapes… in San Fransiscolt, huh?” Starlight said aloud to herself. “Hmm, sounds like I need to grab a train…”
Hours later into the near-evening, Starlight finally arrived at San Fanciscolt, a bustling beachside city. After casually stepping off the train and exiting the station, Starlight flagged down a taxi, hopped on, then showed the stallion the letter’s return address and had him take her there. Within half an hour, time Starlight had spent taking in the sights as she rode down the streets, the stallion had brought her to the shown address.
Hopping off the wagon, Starlight paid the stallion for his service, then bid him thanks and farewell before turning to the building. It was a simple two story building, the kind where the bottom half served as a store and the top half was where the owners lived. Using her magic, Starlight pulled out the letter, held it in front of her before the building, then lowered it, showing that the name of the store matched the one in the return address.
Munch’s Store of Carpet and Drapes.
With that confirmed, Starlight, determined to find the mare who had written the letter, walked forward and entered. Immediately after walking past the open doorframe, Starlight was met with a store devoid of ponies and an unattended counter.
“Hello?” she then called out, looking through the aisles upon aisles of rolled up carpets as she walked from one side of the story to the other. The store was clearly open, so somepony had to be there.
Soon enough, Starlight’s ears perked when she heard some shuffling coming from behind a set of curtains leading to the store’s backroom. Turning to them, she saw a mare emerging from behind them.
“Hmm?” the mare hummed curiously. Starlight figured that she must caught her at a lunch break, as her hoof was covering her still-chewing mouth.
Spotting Starlight standing there, the mare finished chewing, swallowed, then approached her.
“Heh, eh...sorry. Was having lunch,” the mare said, confirming Starlight’s suspicions. Straightening her posture, she then beamed Starlight a nice, welcoming smile. “Hi, I’m Carpet Munch, and welcome to Munch’s Store of Carpet and Drapes! Are there any carpet or drape related needs I can assist you with today, ma’am?”
Carpet Munch--obviously the owner, given the store’s namesake, and definitely the mare Starlight was looking for.
Starlight took a moment to eye the mare before her. Carpet Munch was a cute, blue unicorn of average build. Her eyes were of a golden orange, she had robin egg blue fur, a blonde, short-cropped mane, a short tail of the same color, and she had freckles on both of her cheeks.
With her curiosity getting the better of her--or perhaps it was her old cult leader habits of examining one’s cutie mark immediately after meeting them --Starlight stepped to the side to get a look at Carpet’s flank. There, Starlight saw that she had carpet swatches as a cutie mark. That made sense to Starlight, seeing as the mare ran a carpet store and whatnot.
All in all, Starlight wondered how Carpet Munch could have trouble finding a mare, especially when she wasn’t exactly bad on the eyes.
“Hi, I’m Starlight,” Starlight finally introduced herself, parting a wayward strand of her mane away from her face while extending a hoof to the mare. “I’m here because of your letter.”
Right as she reached for Starlight’s hoof to shake it, Carpet retracted her hoof at the mention of the letter.
“L-Letter?” she asked, her head tilted and her brow raised in confusion. Seconds later, her face lit up in understanding. “Oh! I do remember sending a letter recently, but that was to Princess Twilight.”
Lighting up her horn, Starlight pulled out said letter, much to Carpet’s surprise.
“Well, we got it,” Starlight said, only for her face to grimace as she immediately corrected herself. “I mean--ahem--Twilight got it. Eh, I just happened to be around when she did...”
Come on, Starlight. You’re acting in Twilight’s stead, so try to be more professional here.
Clearing her throat, Starlight regained her composure before continuing.
“Um, the Princess sends her apologies, as she couldn’t make it here herself. Now, I know you were expecting royalty or something, but, given the circumstances of your...predicament, she sent me in her place. I hope that’s ok with you.”
Shaking her head a bit, Carpet Munch broke her sight away from the floating letter, then looked to Starlight.
“Oh, um...that’s ok. I’m just surprised somepony actually came by to help, much less read the letter.”
In reply to that, Starlight, with a look of pride in her expression, swiped her hoof horizontally.
“Hey, Princess Twilight may be new, but she cares deeply about her ponies. She won’t be one to ignore a call for help.” Raising a hoof to her chest, Starlight then took on a stoic pose. “Speaking of which, I may not look it, but I’ve had plenty of experiences with mares. That, in turn, means that I have oodles of advice to give you when it comes to, as your letter put it, ‘eating carpet’. Now, how soon do you want us to tackle your problem head on?”
Her eyes widening with excitement, Carpet licked her drying lips before speaking.
“Um, it’s already getting late, so I can close the store so we can uh, take care of that now.”
Starlight nodded. “Perfect! Here, while you’re closing up, let me tell you a few tips and-- Oh, uh…”
“What?” Carpet asked, pulling her head back and cocking it to the side.
Starlight smiled nervously. “Um, it’s nothing, really. You just have a bit of, uh...something stuck in your…” Chomping her teeth loudly, she gestured a hoof to them.
Realizing what Starlight was alluding to, Capet turned to the small mirror stand on the store counter. Opening her mouth, she smiled to her reflection and spotted a bit of her food stuck in between two of her front teeth.
Her horn glowing, Starlight stepped towards her. “Here, let me,” she said, only for Carpet to turn her down with a shake of her head.
“No, it’s ok. I got it.”
Using her own magic, Carpet secured the food speck in an orange light, dislodged it, then pulled it out.
Strange, Starlight could have sworn that what Carpet had pulled out was a straw of hay, or maybe even a noodle. Instead, the particle in question looked more like a stringy piece of some sort of fiber. Well, whatever it was, it wasn’t Starlight’s job to dictate what ponies ate.
Well, not since her cult leader days, at least.
An hour later after closing the store, Starlight sat with Carpet munch in a nearby, all mares bar. She had been discussing proper and effective ‘carpet eating’ techniques with Carpet, speaking in a low tone, lest any nearby poinies get the wrong idea. Or right idea if given the right circumstances.
“So, slide the tongue around the grooves.”
“Uh huh,” Starlight confirmed with a nod.
“Lots of passion.”
“Mhmm.”
“Screaming and hollering.”
“If you’re good enough, then of course.”
“And a bit of slobbering is ok.”
Reaching across the table, Starlight put her hoof on Carpet’s shoulder.
“Carpet… I think you’re ready.”
“Really?” Carpet asked, smiling.
Starlight nodded. “Yup. Now, all we need to do is fine you a mare. And, seeing where we are, that shouldn’t be much of a problem. See anypony you like?”
“Umm.” Nervously sucking in her bottom lip, Carpet scanned the bar. Soon enough, she pointed to one. “Oh, um...she’s pretty cute.”
Following Carpet’s hoof, Starlight saw that she was pointing at a yellow earth pony mare sitting all by her lonesome at the bar’s table.
“Alright, now, just go up to her, and start a conversation,” Starlight instructed. “Remember: just be confident, don’t be weird, and pretty soon, you’ll be putting everything I told you to practice.”
“A-alright.”
After taking a shot of liquid courage, Carpet got up and joined the mare at the table. Remaining where she was, Starlight watched from afar as Carpet converse with the mare. She seemed to be having trouble at first, but Starlight would occasionally give her some forgotten tips via pantomime, helping to ensure a smooth operation.
Soon enough, it worked, as both Carpet and the mare had shared a knowing glance, paid for their drinks, then walked together to the front door. Witnessing their tails intertwine as they exited, Starlight gave herself a celebratory hoof bump, congratulating herself on a job well done.
Seeing no real reason for her to be there anymore, Starlight paid for her own drink, left the bar, then scoured the streets for the hotel Carpet had referred to her earlier.
Starlight was awoken by the sound of knocking at her door. That was strange. Room service didn’t come until later in the afternoon.
Who could that possibly be? she thought to herself.
Rolling out of bed, she wobbily made her way over to the door. Once she had the locks unlatched, she cracked the door open a smidge. She was surprised to see not roomservice, but her new friend, waiting for her. “Carpet? What, uh… what are you doing here? I thought you would be with that mare.”
“I was,” Carpet replied, nudging the door open enough to poke her head in. “But she left after I tried munching her carpet.”
“You WHAT?!” Starlight exclaimed, motioning for Carpet to come inside. Once the mare was safely in Starlight’s hotel room, Starlight slammed the door shut and locked it, hoping to Celestia that the walls were soundproof. “You can’t just eat a mare out whenever you want, Carpet! You have to wait until she gives you permission!”
“W-what?” Carpet stuttered out, her face a model of shock. “What’s ‘eating out’? And besides, she did give me permission, but she left anyways!”
Starlight raised an eyebrow and shook her head, now fully awake. “Seriously? You don’t know what ‘eating out’ is?”
“Um… no?” Carpet look confused. “Should I?”
“It’s what you wanted to know how to do, Carpet!”
“Oh…” Carpet muttered. For a moment, Starlight felt bad for the mare, but then it hit her. This was her fault, not Carpet’s. Clearly she hadn’t taught her the proper carpet munching procedure.
“Alright,” Starlight spoke wearily. “Run me through what happened.”
“Well…” Carpet began, plopping down onto Starlight’s bed. “It started off really well. The mare took me back to her place, and—”
“Wait,” Starlight interrupted. “‘Her place’? I thought you said she left?”
“She did,” Carpet nodded.
“Wow. You might just be the first mare to be so bad in bed that the mare who owns the home left you there,” Starlight said, shocked. “But… how?!”
“Well, she told me that she wanted me to ‘munch on her carpet’. So, I went to the corner of her room, grabbed her carpet between my teeth, and tore up a big section of it from the floor. At first I thought it tasted good, but then I got a bunch of hair in my mouth!” Carpet groaned.
“Wait, wait, wait,” Starlight held a hoof out, her other held to her forehead in frustration. “You actually went to this mare’s carpet, bit down on it, and ripped it up?”
“Um. Yes?”
“Well no wonder she left, she was probably going to get the police,” Starlight chuckled.
“I don’t get it. First you tell me that you want me to munch carpet, and then you tell me that I was wrong for doing it?” Carpet asked. “Look, it’s not as weird as you think!”
Starlight watched, stunned, as Carpet hopped down to the floor and grabbed a bit of carpet between her teeth. She had to give the mare one thing. Her technique was definitely good. Too bad she was wasting it on a carpet. She ripped a bit up from the floor and held it in her mouth, looking back up to Starlight. “Shee, ish not that bad.”
Starlight’s eyes were wide. This mare was… insane. And yet, she found herself oddly turned on by what Carpet Munch believed to be a lewd display. “That was… surreal.”
“Shurreal?” Carpet asked. Starlight rolled her eyes, using her magic to rip the bits of carpet from her mouth. “‘Surreal’?”
“Carpet, that’s not what ‘munching carpet’ means.”
“Well then what does it mean?” Carpet asked frustratedly, stamping a hoof on the floor indignantly.
“It means…” Starlight trailed off. “... You know. When two mares really like each other, one of them…”
“... Yeah?” Carpet asked, her tone full of impatience.
“IT MEANS LICKING A MARE’S VAGINA!” Starlight yelled out, fed up with explaining everything in such a vanilla way. “OKAY?! IT MEANS STICKING YOUR TONGUE UP ANOTHER MARE’S PUSSY TO MAKE HER FEEL GOOD!”
Starlight swore she could hear a faint ‘whoa, that’s hot’ from the room next door, but she managed to ignore it when she noticed the disgusted look on Carpet’s face.
“Eeeewwwwwww, that’s gross! That’s where mares pee from!”
“Well of course it’s where mares pee from! If you didn’t want to stick your tongue there, why did you keep asking what it meant to munch carpet?!” Starlight yelled, her face almost pure red in color.
“I never wanted to put my mouth near another girl’s… you know!”
“O-oh,” Starlight stuttered out. “So then… what did you want to know?”
“I just wanted to shag another pony,” Carpet shrugged.
Starlight stared at Carpet blankly. Well… she was already a bit turned on. “Huh. So, uh… You wanna bang?”
“I thought you’d never ask,” Carpet replied, lunging at Starlight.
Author's Note
Enigma: "In tribute of the original carpenter, our nigga Jesus Christ."
Flutterpriest: "Wait, were we writing a story? Shit."
Seventh Heaven: "I would totally munch Starlight's carpet."
