Princess Luna Inherits Canada

by naturalbornderpy

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Human, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Random
Length: 2410

Princess Celestia has taken over Earth and now Luna needs a fitting birthday present. Why not Canada?

After deciding it best that Equestria lay claim over all of Earth and its inhabitants, Princess Celestia finds she now has a very special birthday present to offer to her sister.

Namely: Canada.

Published 2016-07-01 23:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-01 23:40:01 UTC

"Eh?"

Princesses Celestia and Luna happily made their way around the stadium’s outer section amongst the thousands of other fans. It was game night at the Air Canada Centre and spectators and staff filled almost every square inch of the place. On Luna’s head was a light blue toque and around her neck she wore a matching scarf. She used her horn to levitate a couple of fries covered in gravy and cheese curds to her mouth.

“Do you find Canada’s trademark poutine to your liking, dear sister?” Celestia asked.

Luna gave a nod and ate another coated fry. “They are most delicious, I declare! And messy, too.” She snatched a napkin from a nearby table to dab at her muzzle. “I must remember to log this discovery into that book of mine before it slips my mind.”

Celestia shut her eyes for a moment. “You mean your book on Canadian culture? The one titled Yep. Canada Sure Is A Place?” She sighed. “I really wish you would rethink that title, Luna.”

“But why?” Luna said. “It is straight to the point and everything! Is Canada not a place? I would like to think that it is. Yep. A very nice place, in fact.”

Celestia let the topic go for the time being. As they rounded the large stadium, a large buzzer sounded from deep inside the building. It seemed the game was going to start soon. “So you’ve enjoyed your time in Canada, then?”

“Yes, indeed.” Finishing off her tray of poutine, Luna tossed it into the trash. “Since our arrival here on Earth, I have traveled far and wide but have yet to discover a place that has hints of Equestria to it. Canada has definitely been the closest, though. Here, allow me to demonstrate.”

As she leisurely strolled along, Luna took a step to her left and directly in front of a walking human clad in a jacket and sports cap. Luna continued to walk on as the human came to a complete stop. Luna bumped into him as if he hadn’t been there at all.

The human went red-faced in an instant. “Oh. Sorry about that, eh. Shoulda’ been watching where I was going. Clumsy me and all! Not seeing the six foot tall pony right in front of my eyes!”

“See what I mean?” Luna said to Celestia with a grin. She wrapped a heavy hoof around the human’s shoulder. “I walked into him and somehow he is the one apologizing! Canadians apologize way too much for my liking!”

“Sorry about that,” the human under her hoof said. “But I should be heading inside. Game’s about to start, I think.”

Luna let him go and returned to Celestia. “They’re like cute little bunnies!” she nearly gushed. “Only more innocent and polite, and hungry for ale and meat!”

Celestia grunted. “I know. You went out last night and didn’t return until well into the morning. Intoxicated, too.”

“But the Canadians kept on giving me ale, Celestia!” Luna explained with a pout. “They simply did not wish for me to leave!”

“Then you say ‘no’ to them, Luna. Easy as that.”

Luna shook her head. “One cannot simply say ‘no’ to a Canadian, Celestia; they are much too nice to disappoint. It would be like randomly kicking a puppy on the street!”

Celestia frowned and checked their ticket stubs again. “What of the cold? Does the cold here bother you at all?”

At that, Luna smirked and drew Celestia’s attention to her matching scarf and toque. “I have never been too bothered by the bitterness of harsh winter. If these sacks of naked flesh and blood can withstand a little snow with a smile firmly planted on their faces, then why not a Princess coated head to hoof in fur?” She grabbed at her scarf to retie it. “Plus, what other place lets one accessorize as much as this? Jackets, hoof mittens, ear warmers, parkas, ski pants, boots, long socks—I know Twilight’s friend Rarity must be having a field day creating all new garments for ponies settling down in Canada.”

Celestia stopped them outside their gate. When she came to a halt, another Canadian human accidentally collided with her rump and immediately apologized, even going so far as to offer the Princess a free Molson Canadian or free bag of ketchup chips. Celestia declined them both and returned her attention to her sister.

“Since laying claim to Earth,” Celestia began timidly, “I’ve quickly found myself overwhelmed. Twilight Sparkle and Cadence have done their best looking after Equestria in my stead, but I fear I’ll need even more help than that going onwards. Actually, that is exactly why I brought you here in the first place.”

Luna furrowed her brows and clutched at the Maple Leafs jersey Celestia had purchased for her right before they’d entered the stadium. “I thought this was to be my birthday present?”

“It is… but there’s a lot more to it than that.” Suddenly, Celestia had a hard time meeting her sister’s gaze. “How would you like to rule all of Canada on your own, Luna?”

Luna’s pupils shrunk. “Ruling… all of Canada? From British Columbia to Newfoundland and everything in-between?”

“Yes,” Celestia said. “And don’t you go forgetting about Nunavut now. I know it’s a big responsibility, and a lot to ask of you—”

Her sentence was cut short as Luna rushed into her for a hug.

“Of course I’ll look after Canada for you!” Luna exclaimed happily. “I love these little oddballs!” She pulled away from her with a gasp. “I need to address my subjects right this instant! My new subjects!”

To shush her, Celestia put a hoof to her lips. “Hold on a moment, Luna. Governing a country as big as Canada is a lot different than simply looking after some pet. Remember what happened to that goldfish I gave you three birthdays ago?”

Luna glanced at her hooves. “You mean Gumdrop the goldfish? I will remind you how the autopsy came back inconclusive. I am still almost certain it was suicide—”

“Gumdrop did not kill itself, Luna,” Celestia said. “It was poor care that killed that fish and nothing more, and Canada does not deserve to share in Gumdrop’s fate. Looking after Canada and all its citizens will take up a lot of your time, dear sister. They need to be fed and watered on a daily basis and made to feel that you truly care about them, meaning plenty of maple syrup and bacon in their diets so they can remain productive and patriotic. Canadians have always been rather timid creatures, so that means they’ll need to be ruled gently and with a soothing tone.”

Luna thought on that. “If I stay here to rule over Canada, does that mean I will need to live in an igloo like they do? Or… a castle-sized one perhaps?”

Celestia surprised her with a laugh. “Now you’re just getting your facts out of whack. Canadians don’t actually live in igloos. How silly would that be? They live in homes made of wood and brick the same as the rest of us. It is only their vacation homes that are actual igloos.”

“Ohhhhh.” Luna pulled out her handy notepad to add another fascinating Canadian fact into. Then she looked up at her sister again. “It is a very thoughtful gift, Celestia; one I am more than tempted to accept, but upon reflection…”

A little girl strolling by stopped to wrap her arms around one of Luna’s legs. “I’m so happy to see you here, Princess Luna!” the little girl loudly decried. “You’re like… six times better than pizza with pineapple on it!”

The little girl soon rushed off to find her seat before the game, leaving Luna far more puzzled than she was a moment ago.

“Did that grabby little human just insult me?” she asked with a grimace. “She compared me to pizza with fruit on it!”

Celestia only waved her hoof at her. “She was complimenting you, silly. Canadian’s have an odd fondness for pizza with pineapple on it. A Hawaiian pizza, if my facts are correct.”

Luna huffed. “These darn Canadians are getting curiouser and curiouser.” She paused, before she quietly admitted, “As much as I would surely enjoy ruling over all of Canada for you, Celestia, I worry that we may not be as suited for one another as I would like. While I enjoy the finer things in life such as bloodshed, violence, and combat, Canadians are perfectly satisfied with…” She blinked several times in search of an answer. “Doing whatever it is they like to do.”

“You’re worried they’re too nice, is that it?” Celestia asked.

To help illustrate her point, Princess Luna randomly punched a nearby human in the jaw and watched as he crumpled to the floor. When he eventually got back to his feet, he rubbed at his bruised face and said earnestly, “Sorry about that. My face must’ta gotten in the way of your hoof. Make sure to have a good one, eh?” And then he was off as if nothing at all had happened.

“See?” Luna said.

Celestia used her foreleg to shove Luna into the open area of the stadium, where the excitement and the buzz of the upcoming game could be plainly felt in the air. A sly smile wormed its way onto Celestia’s lips.

“That’s precisely why I’ve brought you here today,” Celestia told her. “On Earth they call this sport ‘hockey,’ and it’s played on a large patch of ice filled with players holding sticks, all trying to shoot a piece of rubber into a net.”

Luna appeared most uninterested. “Having studied Canadians like I have over the past week, this will most likely end in a sing-along and potent friendship lesson, will it not?”

Celestia gave her a single pat on the shoulder. “Not exactly.”

***

“Hit him again! Harder! Hit him again!”

Princess Luna’s face was mashed up against the glass that divided the rink from the stands. The toque on her head had been nabbed and tossed aside long ago, and her Maple Leafs jersey had been equally torn asunder by unruly fans. Some of her coat had been splashed with spilled beer and left sticky and gross. All in all, she was having a complete and utter blast.

“Do not make your Princess come in there!” she went on to warn the players skating within her loud screaming zone. “Your Princess can hold a stick-thingy the same as you! Just you wait and see!”

While the stadium had played the national anthem over the speakers, Luna had almost fallen asleep on her sister’s shoulder. It wasn’t until the lights came back on and the game actually began that she witnessed firsthoof the bizarre and terrifying change in atmosphere. Thousands of Canadians, so warm and polite only moments prior, suddenly sprung out of their seats to scream their throats raw the single second the puck hit the ice.

In the first period, there was an intense brawl between players. Blood was spilled and fans greedily lapped it up. After the fight, the two combatants were sent to separate glass boxes to think about what they’d done. Or… that’s what Luna had guessed had happened, at least.

“I do not understand,” she told Celestia in the seat next to her, who was currently munching on a salted pretzel. “I have never seen Canadians behave in such a manner. It is like… it is like they have all left their politeness and goodwill at the entrance to this place. Had Discord anything to do with this craziness?”

Celestia took another bite of her snack and shook her head. “Nah. Discord’s still preoccupied with matters in Britain at the moment. There’s a lot to clean up over there.”

“I see,” Luna said. “So are all Canadians like this? So soft and sweet on the outside, yet so unhinged and ruthless on the inside?”

“Only the sport of hockey shows Canadians as they truly are. They spend a small portion of their week unleashing all of their negative energy on hockey games, so all that’s left afterwards is a subdued, good-natured creature: the Canadian. That’s why I wanted you to see this side of them yourself before you agreed to rule over them. Canadians are… more complicated than one would first believe.” She tentatively glanced in Luna’s direction. “So have you come to a final decision, then?”

In front of them, another player was smashed into the boards as his helmet came undone. A single shattered tooth flew out from his mouth and landed in a spectator’s nachos to the joy of everyone around.

Luna nodded. “Yes, I think Canada and I will get along just fine.”

“Want to tell them the good news?”

Luna abruptly shot up off her seat to hover in the air. Her horn glowed bright as her amplified voice echoed throughout the massive arena. “Loyal canucks! Princess Luna has an announcement for all to hear! From this moment on she shall be your one and only ruler!”

The silence that followed was deafening. Even the players on the ice had stopped what they were doing to stare her way.

Luna gulped dryly. “Only if that is all right with you, of course.” She hesitated, before adding, “Eh?”

Finally the tension in the room was let out like air from a punctured balloon. Every man, woman, and child in the stands rose to their feet to happily and noisily welcome their new Princess overlord.

Luna, clearly overjoyed, decided to capitalize on this at once. “And as Princess Luna’s first order as supreme ruler of Canada? Free Tim Hortons for everyone here!”

Celestia quickly tugged at her sister’s leg. “Luna… I don’t think the budget will—”

But it was too late. Far too late.

Hundreds of fans had already swarmed their new Princess leader and hoisted her above their heads to carry out of the building. They chanted “Luna! Luna! Luna!” on infinite loop, trying their best not to drop her on the floor as they went.

Celestia sat back down in her seat and held her chin in a hoof.

She sighed. “Now to see if Starlight Glimmer has any interest in Australia.”

Author's Note

Happy Canada Day! :twilightsmile: Yes, even Canada gets its own day once a year...

... until America has to show us up as usual. :unsuresweetie: