The Crystal Empire was a place you would expect to find in a fairytale--well, that went for most of Equestria but it was apt description regardless. A kingdom once ruled by an oppressive dictator who was only interesting when you read about him in alternative source materials, it was now ruled by the fair and kind Princess Mi Amore Cadenza--Or Princess Cadence, as she liked to be called. It was a perfect mix of regality and humility; by shortening her name, she appears more approachable, but by leaving Princess you are constantly reminded that, yes, this mare could have you executed for eating the last of her tarts.

Naturally, not being an being of pure evil and/or madness, the chances of that happening were so insubstantial that I wouldn't even know where to start just to have an idea of the probability. But I fear I may have gone a bit off topic here. Princess Celestia had just started to raise the sun, and regardless of whether or not she wanted to deal with the hum-drum day to day that meant Princess Cadence had to get up as well.

"Gmmmmahhm." Truly, a sentence that defies convention for royalty. Take a moment, would you, and imagine a pony princess making that noise upon waking up. Majestic, isn't it? Not-surprisingly, Princess Cadence did not want to get out of her bed. It took an extra ten minutes before her husband, Prince Shining Armor, managed to rouse his own personal sleeping beauty from her slumber.

"Look," Shining Armor started. "You've got a lot to take care of today. Why not let me take care of Flurry Heart? You just go get ready, alright?"

Princess Cadence smiled an adghsvcnvfkdshv

Oh, um... huh... Honestly, I have no idea how that happened. Did I have a spasm? Oh well, I'll summarize; Cadence thanks Shining Armor, kisses him, and goes about her marry way.

Hm... I wish I could have told you the entirety of the scene. Oh, that kiss was beautiful; it was something you would have told your friends about, something that would have made you rethink the meaning of true love and change you in the best way imaginable. Its shame you missed out on it. It was quite touching.

Anyway, as this was happening, something quite peculiar was taking place in the tangled mess that made up the Princesses mane. You see, by some strange occurrence that I highly advise you don't dwell on, a small... hm, I keep saying 'group' in these situations, don't I? Hold on, I'm going to look for a synonym to freshen things up a bit....

Ah, band! That sounds adventurous, doesn't it? A small band--oh, I love it-- of humans had found themselves, for the second time, displaced--which in this instance means that instead of being transported to another world, they were instead placed within the violet, gold, and rose colored mane of the Princess of Love.

There were only six this time, and not a one of them was familiar with the others. More importantly, they had no idea where they were! The soft, pale ground radiated a rather pleasant warmth from its surface, and while the smell was a strange mix of strawberry and...sweat, perhaps? It wasn't unpleasant. A bit overpowering, sure, but as far as odors go Cadence's mane was nothing to be offended over.

That didn't stop the various peoples from panicking. Truly, it only takes being teleported to an alien planet and watching as those around you are killed in ways ranging from violent, to obscene, to downright stupid before you grow wary of such anomalous circumstances. Some broke down and cried, others yelled at each other as if somehow the other person made it happen, and one---wait, what is that one doing? Is he just walking away? That's not right! He's supposed to be mediating between the arguing people, being the voice of reason, not bloody walking away!

...Why is he walking away? Well now I have to follow him, he could be doing something interesting! Onward, to the unknown!

Calvin--we're going to call him Calvin--wasn't going to have any of what was going on in that band of idiots. People crying, screaming at each other, asking stupid questions--he's seen it before, seen what traveling with people like that could lead too. So he left, while they were distracted, and made his way deeper into the 'forest'.

Still, some questions burned at the mind. Where exactly was he? Why was he teleported again? Questions that were unfortunately interrupted as Cadence moved her head to talk to her husband. What amounted to a simple, automatic motion to the mare was tantamount to a geological nightmare. The movement was too much for poor Calvin to handle, and without so much as a "Look out, the world's moving" the man found himself being thrown into the firm, soft, somewhat oily skin of Cadence's scalp. He rolled, cursed, and finally came to a stop when he crashed into a purple strand of hair.

He had just as much warning when Cadence turned and started walking, and just like the last time the man was tossed from his spot. By the time he was able to grab onto a hair and keep himself from being thrown around like the people he left behind--who, by the way, were having a very bad time right now--he was very upset to discover the natural oils of the mare's head had coated his body in a light film. Naturally, he had no idea what the oil actually was, but even so one does not often find themselves in such a situation without thinking "Ew, I'm covered in something grease-like, what a revolting circumstance this turned out to be."

He was a quick learner, though. Even as the G-Forces tried to force him back, Calvin had decided to swim with the tide, as it were, than against it. He waited, patiently, for Cadences movement to pull his weight in the direction he wanted before letting go of the strand to grab the next. Over and over he did this, slowly heading towards the back of her neck as she got ready for the day.

When she stopped completely, he would take the chance to sprint through her mane as fast as his microscopic legs could carry him--which, by the way, was not very fast at all.

All of this was lost on the Alicorn, however, as she spit the toothpaste-filled fluids of her mouth out into the sink. She had at least an hour or two before she had to deal with Princess stuff, and Shining Armor had more a less given her the go ahead to do whatever the hell she wanted until than, and while it may sound strange to the more sedentary of you, the Princess of love only wanted one thing.

She wanted to run, to fly, to get her blood pumping through her veins and feel alive! Okay, that was technically three things, but you get what I meant. She wanted to exercise; you see, the thing about being a Princess was that you spent a lot of time sitting. You sit during court, you sit when going over laws, you sit when being presented with gifts--honestly, if the job was something you could apply for sitting for long periods of time would probably be pretty high on the requirement list.

It was for this reason that Cadence had walked out to the balcony of her room and, with a flap of her wings, soared into the sky. This was not a good thing for our Band of former protagonists, but for Calvin the Competent it was just another trial to overcome. As Cadences mane billowed in the breeze, it was all he could do to keep himself from flying off to his death. Each strand was like a tentacle writhing and flailing around as if to cast him away, and each one was one was a risk he felt he needed to take.

It was clear to Calvin now that he was in the hair of one of the giants; it was the only logical conclusion, though how he got there was a mystery he feared would never be answered. Right now though, he had something more important on his mind--he had to keep moving.

"But Mr. Narrator." You may be saying "How is Calvin supposed to keep going when Cadence is flying too fast for him to move?"

Well, that's easy; he had to let go. As the cool winter air of the Crystal Empire blew through the Princess's mane, Calivin--ever the darer--would let go of the strand he was holding onto, either grabbing onto another as it passed or simply taking hold of the one he was on once more when he was further down.

It was a harrowing trial, one that couldn't afford even the slightest mistake. He did this only for a few moments, however, before he saw one of his fellows whipping past him, screaming, into the open sky. That was all the convincing he needed to cease his attempts, and simply try and hold onto the hair he was on until his host calmed down.

Ten minutes of this passed, then twenty. Cadence, not feeling like she was pushing herself hard enough, had took to playing with the clouds, or casting harmless spells into the air as she flew. Once she felt her heart beat-beat-beating in her barrel, and her wings begin to slow from exhaustion, she decided it was time to give her legs a workout.

She landed in the track that Shining Armor trained the ponies for the Equestria games and sighed. She knew this little session wasn't going to do much for her in the long run, but it felt nice to be out doing something when things were peaceful, instead of when Equestria was being beset by some monster or another.

She pawed at the ground with her hoof for a moment--by the way, she was naked. Not wearing any Regalia at all, so if you were picturing her adorned with golden shoes and crown I'm here to set you straight--before setting off at a full gallop.

Calvin, however, was very distraught. He had reached the back of Cadence's neck, but the impact of her landing had forced him to let go of her hair. When he hit the skin, not only was his breath knocked out of him, but he was horrified to discover her skin had grown wet. Now I'm not sure if you've ever had the breath knocked out of you, but in case you haven't imagine yourself unable to take anything but short, gasping breaths. No matter how hard you try, its as though your lungs cut off each attempt you make at breathing; you can't move, can hardly speak--in short, it sucks. Now, imagine that, only with handfuls of salt water--in this case, pony sweat--flooding your mouth with each breath.

Then, with all that going on, imagine the world is constantly jerking back and forth. Cadence was running after all, which meant a lot of her muscles were being used. Honestly, it's a miracle that Calvin didn't drown with all that going on. Cadence ran for a good half hour, yet even though Calvin was incapacitated, what seemed to be an unfortunate situation turned out to be a blessing. Cadence, despite the winter air, was sweating. For those still on her scalp this was a nightmare; some were sweat up in tsunami-like floods and washed away, while others were simply drowned.

Calvin, being on the back of the mare's neck, was ultimately taken by the former. The hot droplets of sweat pumping from Cadence's pores ran down her neck, converging and diverging seemingly at random. Calvin, like a leaf in a stream, was swept up by this salty current and lead further down the pony's body. Time and time again the droplets he was caught in would run through the mare's pink fur, depositing him by the strands only for him to be grabbed by the next one as it passed.

Calvin was tired, as anyone would be in his situation, and had no strength to fight anymore. Thirty minutes passed before Cadence's royal butt hit the ground in exhaustion. It is hard to truly describe the smell of pony sweat; some say its sweet smelling, others say its pungent, but perhaps it was a bit of both? Regardless, I hope it's not a bad smell, because Calvin would likely smell like and exhausted Cadence for some time.

Cadence sitting down was the last step in Calvin's escape; he was carried down the Princess's back, down to her flanks, and with a barely noticeable drip both he and the last drop of sweat that grabbed him fell from Cadence's body and hit the ground beneath her rump with a wet splash.

It took until the mare stood up and walked away before our hero realized he was free. Yes, he smelled like sweaty horse, yes he was soaked to the bone, and yes he was very hot. But more importantly than that, he was alive, and it is this Narrator's hopes that out defiant little protagonist finds someplace where he can live, instead of... you know... being stepped on by a Crystal Pony or something.

"Wow Cadence, you look like you ran the entirety of the Empire. I'm not gonna lie, its a good look for you."

As Cadence walked into the room, she couldn't help but smile at seeing her husband holding their child. While I personally detest the little monster, the two ponies couldn't be happier with their little bundle.

"I feel like I ran the entirety of the Empire." she replied. "Get a good look, because I'm going to go take a shower. I feel disgusting... How much time is left before the Crystal Court?"

"You've still got an hour."

Cadence nodded and, after giving Flurry Heart a sweaty nuzzle, walked into the bathroom to make herself presentable for her little ponies. Only two people were still alive in Cadence's mane. It was a good thing Calvin took the route he did, because even if he survived Cadence exercising, he would have perished along with the other two during her shower.

Five more dead. How many humans is that...? Well, I guess it doesn't really matter; the stories must go on, after all.

Author's Note

By request of McProky.

An Author's Note; the risk in requesting things is that I might not do what you want with it. What you hope for and what you get might be completely different, and if that's the case just give me a polite heads up and I'll remove your name from the Author's Notes as soon as I'm able. If you want me too, anyway.

Thank you.