Just What I'm Fighting For

by The Wandering Bard

Rating: everyone
Tags: Sad, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Starswirl the Bearded, Adventure
Length: 3222

So much chaos, so much death. Equestria is in turmoil, and Starswirl is in despair. How could he have ever thought that he would end it? Why did he ever think he could make a difference?

So much chaos, so much death. Equestria is in turmoil, and Starswirl is in despair. How could he have ever thought that he would end it? Why did he ever think he could make a difference?

Many thanks to many of my friends for being my pre-readers and offering their feedback: Protopony350, Kirito-Persona, MelancholyIguana, and CeilingLeo.

Many thanks also to my friend Reneigh Haycart for once again being an editor, and to my friend Will-Owl-the-Wisp for also being an editor, and for the gorgeous cover art. The original can be found here.

Published 2016-07-03 17:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-03 17:50:01 UTC

Just What I'm Fighting For

It was always the same. Or at least, that was how it seemed. Another leg of the journey, another false sense of peace, then another battle that would erupt nearby or another battlefield spread as far as the eye could see. Ponies, changelings, timberwolves that were now no more than piles of wood, and many more creatures too terrible to name or so hideous that they were beyond recognition lay upon this fresh battlefield. He lowered his head, the bells on his hat tinkling as he did so, his hooves about to give out from underneath him.

“How long?” Starswirl uttered under his breath as he forced himself through the battlefield yet again, lifting his cape so that it would not be caught on discarded weaponry — or something worse. “How long must this continue?” he asked himself as he once more used his magic to gather up and tend to the wounded, the dying, the dead. Their cries for a bandage to staunch the bleeding, for water to quench their thirst, for aid in assisting a friend or fellow soldier, for peace amidst the chaos of a land in turmoil, for comfort as they drew what could be their last breaths… they all reached him, echoing in his ears. He felt that they would do so for eternity.

He’d heard it all before. And until he could find a proper ruler for Equestria, one with enough power to dispel this chaos and with the wisdom needed to guide this fractured land, he would hear it all again. The thought, and the stench of the battlefield riding on the wind, almost made him retch. However, he clamped his jaw closed, hissing as he breathed in through his teeth, waiting for the nausea to subside.

“Master Starswirl.”

He raised his gaze to find a pegasus mare watching him. Her yellow-orange coat was mussed and dirty, and her deep red mane and tail were singed at the edges. The tips of her wing feathers had also been burnt away, and she was attired in soiled and dented armor. Captain Corona. Yes, that sounded right.

“Captain,” he replied, his tone even. He would not convey weakness. Not when these ponies were looking to him for aid. “What can I do for you?”

“It’s not what you can do for me,” she said to him. “You must rest yourself.”

“I’m fine. I can continue.” He focused his magic, eyes scrunched closed, head pounding, sweat forming on his brow. Bandages levitated in a trembling line from a pile on the ground over to the surgeons. “See?” he said, his breathing labored. “All is well.”

“Master Starswirl, please.” Corona stepped closer. She was fairly young, perhaps just a few years older than Halo had been. But in her eyes, he beheld the horrors of war, all of the terrors, all of the confusion, all of the death she had seen. They were much, much older. “Go, rest.” She put her hoof to his back. “Your magic is drained, and you’ve done so much for us already.”

Starswirl stamped his hoof on the ground. “No, I must keep going!”

“Why are you pushing yourself so?” Corona asked him, pulling her hoof back to her body. “This wasn’t your fight. It was ours.”

“Because there are still more lives to be saved!”

“And you exhausting yourself until you’re ready to drop won’t do us any good!” Corona exclaimed. Starswirl opened his mouth to reply, but Corona cut him off. “We’ve greatly appreciated everything you’ve done for us, my friend, but you need to rest and replenish your strength.” She spread her wings and lifted off, hovering just above the ground. “Perhaps then you can help us to save more of these ponies’ lives.” With that, she flew towards two ponies carrying another on a makeshift stretcher, landing before them.

Starswirl’s vision blurred. From lack of sleep or from depletion of magic, he did not know, but he could not deny the truth of Corona’s words. Surveying the camp about him, he spotted one of the many haphazard tents set up for sleeping and trudged over to it. ‘My friend’, he thought to himself as he made his way through the tent flap and to an empty bedroll. What an odd thing to call me. He collapsed onto the thin padding. Even though it was well past sunset, some of the bedrolls were still empty. He shuddered as he realized the implications, but even this could not keep him awake for long. His eyes drifting closed, he soon lost himself to slumber.

~*~

He was alone in a field, one where the grass grew unfettered, where wildflowers dotted the land. The sky above was a crisp, clear blue, one of the bluest he had ever seen. He stared at it, breathing deep. The scent of fresh meadow grass and of the flowers wafted to his nose. The trill of birdsong and the humming of bees delighted his ears while a warm breeze caressed his face, tugging gently at his beard. His shoulders loosened, his body relaxed. But as he watched the sky, he saw the smallest ripple, the slightest band of silver, cross it. His face fell, and he suddenly felt much wearier than he had before. “Little wonder it is so peaceful here,” he murmured, still watching the blue expanse above.

“Indeed.” The voice was familiar. Hooves shuffled through the grass.

Starswirl peeked over his shoulder. Approaching him was a white alicorn, her mane and tail the lightest shade of yellow, her eyes gold. On her flank was a ring of golden light. “Halo.” Starswirl returned to gazing at the sky. “This is a dream.” He was matter-of-fact.

Halo now stood at Starswirl’s side. “Perhaps,” she said to him. She sat. “Although I do not remember falling asleep.”

“We are in the realm of dreams.” Just beneath the veneer of blue, he espied the swirling dome of silver dream magic. When he spoke again, he was cold, detached. “You are a figment of my imagination, or one of this world’s whims. Nothing more.”

“Are you certain of that?” she asked him. Starswirl said nothing. “I do not know how I found myself here, but I am real.”

Starswirl shifted an eye towards her. “Of course you would say that.”

“Fine. Believe me or not, though I could feel you calling out for me.”

Starswirl gave an almost imperceptible shake of the head. “How could you, Halo?” He stood, still not facing her. “You’re off in another plane of existence. It makes no sense. Therefore,” he said, turning and pointing straight at her, “you are a dream.”

Halo gently brushed his hoof aside. Rather than argue, she simply asked him, “What do you need, my friend?”

There it was. That phrase again. Ponies kept calling him that, and he couldn’t see why. Though, at least with Halo, it made sense. They had journeyed together, worked together to try to find an end to the chaos, even if only for a brief time. She’d been the closest thing to a friend he’d had. Her eyes were full of a steady warmth and concern. But then there was a flicker, and a phantasm of Halo appeared just off to the side and behind her.

She was an alicorn no longer, but a pegasus. Her eyes were red and swollen from countless tears, her usual composure gone, her countenance twisted with sorrow. It was only for a moment, but he remembered. They’d been at a battlefield much as the one he’d left behind, and while they’d aided as many as they could, so many had been lost. The things she’d asked him then floated through his mind.

Why, Starswirl? Why does this have to happen? What have these ponies done to deserve this fate?

I don’t know, Halo, but we must continue searching, had been his reply. We have to ensure that all of this fighting ends. His chin sunk to his chest. Pain spread through Starswirl’s breast as he recalled those words.

“It hasn’t ended,” he whispered into his beard. What a fool he had been.

Halo leaned closer. “What was that?”

“The fighting. The bloodshed. The death. It hasn’t ended.” What a naive, idealistic fool. He felt hot pricks in the corners of his eyes. He hastily wiped them away, but he couldn’t wipe away the horrible visions that danced just behind his eyelids. Starswirl shivered. There was a long moment of silence, then, “How do you do it, Halo?”

She tilted her head. “Do what?”

“How do you keep going?” He put a hoof to his temple. “After all the things you’ve seen. After all the things these ponies have seen. You all carry on, and I don’t understand how.”

Halo gave a small shrug. “Well, that’s simple.” Starswirl glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, brow furrowed. Despite her frivolous gesture, her voice carried weight. “I give the ponies who come to me someplace to rest. I help them find peace.” She put her hoof to her chest. “I may not be in your world anymore, but I can still do something for them.” She extended a wing, her wingtip brushing his shoulder. “And you can, too.”

Starswirl flinched away from the gesture. “But I don’t know how.” Now the scenery changed about him. He was on the battlefield once more, with death and decay spread across the land. He spied a soldier crawling towards him, searching for sanctuary. He shied away despite himself. Then, sickened by his reaction, lips curling in disgust, he banished the soldier from his dream, although the rest of the scene remained.

Scouring the field before him, Starswirl said, “This is the world I know, Halo, but it’s not the one I want.” The vision faded, and his eyes glazed over. “And I don’t know what to do about it.”

Halo smiled. “I think you do.” The dream morphed again. He was no longer on the field, but in the camp. Another version of him, one concocted by the dream, dashed by. He made no move to follow, but he had no need to. The dream version of him stopped not too far off, and he saw himself tending to the wounded. He heard them talk of their sweethearts and loved ones, how they would grin amidst the winces of pain. Truthfully, he’d barely listened to them when they prattled on, uttering some half-hearted grunt every now and then, his focus narrowed on patching them up. Yet, in this moment, his eyes softened.

Do they talk to keep themselves from despair? Or perhaps to remember the good things they still have?

The dream then showed him a losing battle, ponies on their last legs, hugging themselves as tears streamed down their cheeks, scrambling away from those who hunted them, or rousing their comrades in one last push. Then, in a burst of magic, he jumped into the fray, his spells driving enemies away, shielding those in the fight, or turning the monsters to dust. He saw how their grim, terrified, and defeated expressions turned to ones of hope and ecstasy, how they would rally and sally forth, rejoining the battle and defeating those who had terrorized them. And, after it was all over, they rushed to surround him, showering him with gratitude, hailing him a hero. He hadn’t seen the point. He was just doing what needed to be done. But now...

“You are an inspiration to them, Starswirl,” Halo told him as the dream continued to show him the light amongst the heartache — the laughter and drinks that were shared in the quiet times, the stories and exaggerations exchanged by the bonfires, the love letters written to those still at home. And there, always there, he was in the background, watching over them all. “You’ve become known in Equestria. The ponies who come to me tell me that the ponies who have fought and still fight do so to join your cause, even when you do not know it. They, too, want to cast the darkness out. And they know that, so long as they persist, someday, the darkness will cease to be.”

Starswirl’s voice was low, solemn. “And they know that they could lose their lives?” He did his best not to choke up.

“They do,” Halo told him, stepping closer. “Though, to them, the fight is worth the risk if it means that those left behind will have peace.”

Starswirl frowned, doubting the sincerity of Halo’s words. But, as she spoke, the dreamscape changed its shape again. Now there was another battlefield, covered in shadow. Starswirl almost looked away, but a flash of blue caught his eye. He saw himself leading the charge against the shadow, a vast army behind him. What intrigued him the most was their beaming faces, his beaming face, and the cheers resounding through the air. They were the signs of victory. But... how could that be?

Suddenly, rushing through their charge was a brilliant golden blaze. He, and the dream version of himself, witnessed a silver wave cascading after the gold. As the two joined together, they wended their way through the ponies, doing them no harm, then amongst the shadows, the opposing forces clashing. As he watched, transfixed, the light overtook the shadows and wrenched them apart. The shadows squirmed, but were ultimately powerless. They were little more than dregs, and the light and army of ponies chased the last of them away.

Starswirl’s jaw was agape. The vision vanished. He grabbed Halo and pointed to where it had been. “Did you see it?” he asked her.

“I did.” Halo leaned in, peering at where the light and the shadows had been. “What in Equestria—?”

“I have to find out what it means.”

Halo wriggled out of his grasp. “But are you certain that it means anything?” she asked him as she did. “You said that this place only shows us what it wants us to see.”

“Exactly.” Halo’s ears pointed downward. “Why a golden light? Why a silver wave?” Starswirl paced as he spoke. “And I was leading them. But why? I did not bring about victory, they did. Yet I was still a part of it...” He stopped suddenly. He stood straight up, the bells on his hat tinkling as they had in the waking world, his ears erect. With no warning, he threw his head back and laughed.

The merry peals resounded in the air. Taking a half-step away, Halo tentatively held her hoof aloft. “Um, Starswirl, are you quite well?”

His chuckles ringing across the field, Starswirl now gave a firm shake of his head. Dear goodness, you really are a fool. “Yes, Halo, I’m fine,” he said when he saw the mare eyeing him, worry marring her brow. “I just cannot believe that I was so blind.” His laughter quieted, and he took his hat in hoof, holding it to his chest, lowering his gaze. “I had almost given in to despair, thinking I was no longer any good to anypony.” He replaced his hat on his head, arching his neck and stamping his hoof. “Now I see that I still have a part to play in all this. I can help bring victory about, though I must discover the meaning behind this vision to do so.”

His horn glowed as he summoned the spell that would bring him back to the waking world. The dream, and Halo with it, wavered. “Thank you… my friend,” he called to her as the scene before him faded away.

~*~

Starswirl groaned as he awoke. His body was sore from lying on the ground. He stood, stretching out as best he could. His limbs felt as if they were made of lead. However, despite his weariness, his mind raced as he recalled his dream — the field, Halo, the death, the hope, the wave of gold and silver that cleansed the land. The last was what intrigued him the most. “What could it possibly mean?”

As he spoke, he exited the tent. The moon still hung in the sky, bathing him in its cool light. His figure cast a silhouette upon the grass. I must not have been asleep for very long, he thought to himself. However, the silhouette began to move and shrink, and he looked to the sky to find the moon sinking below the horizon with the sun rising to replace it.

Starswirl’s eyebrows shot up to underneath the brim of his hat. He rapidly shifted his attention from one to the other until the moon had disappeared and the sun was the only celestial body left in the sky. He took a step towards the fiery orb. “Could it really be that simple?”

“Master Starswirl, you are awake.” Captain Corona flew to his side, alighting on the ground beside him. He made no move to show that he heard her. “Master Starswirl?” Corona scanned the area around her, readying for a fight. “Is something amiss?”

“What? Uh, no, Captain, everything is fine.”

“You are sure?” Corona queried, watching him closely.

“Yes, Captain,” he said. “And I am sorry, but I must take my leave.”

Corona nodded. “I wish you could stay, but I understand.” She saluted him then, and those nearby did the same. Starswirl stood there, humbled. “On the behalf of my troops, I thank you for all that you have done for us.”

He gazed upon the soldiers. They were mares and stallions, young and old, seasoned warriors and new recruits. Before, he would have scoffed internally at Corona’s words, for he would have thought he had done nothing. Now, he knew differently. He returned the gesture with a bow. As he raised himself, he said, “Good luck, Captain. I wish you well.”

He trotted away, though it was not long before he paused and took a last look at the ponies and their camp. Even in the early morning, there had been some soldiers about, yet many were just beginning to stir. He watched as they donned their attire, gathered their meals, put out fires, and tended to their comrades. Despite the madness, they would carry on. Although he knew that not all of them would live to see the end of chaos’ reign, and while this knowledge did burden him, he also knew that it was their choice. Now he knew what they were fighting for.

And now I know just what I’m fighting for as well.

Starswirl turned away. “The sun and the moon,” he said aloud. It wasn’t much to go on, but it could be a start. His heart was somewhat lighter than it had been as he walked away from the camp. The voices of the ponies faded behind him, but the ponies themselves lingered in his mind. He vowed to remember them.

I can still help them, he told himself. I can help Equestria. By this time, the sun had fully risen, and he looked to it, eyes squinting. The corners of his mouth upturned slightly. I simply have to carry on. With that, Starswirl took another step, and another.

THE END

Author's Note

Halo and Corona belong to me. Starswirl the Bearded belongs to Hasbro.

Thanks for reading!