Shadowbolts Adventures: Get Rekt Harder
Get Rekt Harder
War. War never changes.
It has been fought with fists, wooden clubs, and for centuries, it was fought with hard steel, wielded by clashing armies who wanted nothing more than complete and total control and dominance of the entire world, led by leaders who see the world as their plaything and their fellow man as stepping stones to their place at the top of the world, but even these mighty leaders don't see their downfall coming, that ultimate tumble down from the top of the world caused by the brave men and women who have discovered the ultimate weapon out in the desert under the ground, buried for untold centuries and waiting to be found, they found, a bullet, and they found a way to use this perfect weapon by inventing the modern weapons of steel and fire.
TwilightSparkle: They found a bullet and made guns to fire it? What?
Sugarcoat: I never said it would be Shake Spear.
TwilightSparkle: I know but that's not even grammar. I've seen prison sentences shorter than that.
LemonZest: Ssshhhh! I'm reading!
This discovery changed the world, as soon they began making more and more bullets, fired from the guns they made to take advantage of the perfect killing weapons of war. Which never changes.
The land began to fade into view around the three friends, and they found themselves standing in front of the entrance to a massive but oddly square city. The buildings were squares, and the roads were perfectly consistent and turned only at right angles at every single intersection she could see from here. The only movement she could see were from other players running back and forth throughout the city, in varying states of undress and carrying weapons ranging from arm-sized to handheld tanks.
"What, that's it?" Twilight looked around curiously. "We don't have a goal or a job or anything?"
"We're the brave women who found a bullet and are going to cause the ultimate tumble from power for the powerful, of course." Sugarcoat held up her palm, which held a single bullet. Twilight couldn't help but notice something else about her. "You both have one too."
"Are... we in our underwear?" Twilight looked down to see that it was true. She was wearing nothing but a plain white bra and a pair of panties. "Why are we in our underwear?"
"We use our bullets to acquire our first pieces of gear." Sugarcoat slipped the bullet back in her... something. "You start clean with every new character. It makes things more interesting that way."
"Oddly enough, I think this underwear is less revealing than the chainkinis from multiplayer," Twilight noted curiously.
"Yeah, it's a shame," Lemon Zest agreed. Twilight looked to her friend at that, and couldn't help but gawk for several long, stunned moments. "Twilight? You okay?"
"Lemon Zest..." Sugarcoat interjected. "Are you going to make us ask why each of your breasts are as big as your head?"
Lemon nodded. "The slider wouldn't go any higher." There was silence over the headsets until a sigh came through. "I might still be a little lonely..."
Sugarcoat grunted. "Well we won't stop you from doing what you want, but be warned people are going to think you're a boy."
Lemon Zest chuckled incredulously. "A boy? For having big breasts?"
"I don't make the rules of the internet, I just know them."
The three girls looked curiously as a pair of thick boot steps passed by just then. A long-legged woman with breasts as big as Lemons was looking them over as she passed. The woman tipped her fedora as a deep, bass voice echoed from their headsets. "Niiiiice."
"Eeep!" Lemon Zest squeaked, and moments later her breasts shrank to a more normal size.
"There we go. Now come on, it's time to make our first big decision in this world." Sugarcoat led the way through the rectangular city until they came to a building that seemed to be so special that it had a sign out front and a little curly top on it. Once they went inside the world was replaced by a picture of a beautiful woman, and text began to crawl on the screen.
The brave warrior entered the guild carrying the bullet of destiny, the bullet whose discovery would signal the beginning of the end for the dastardly reign of those who would seek to use power for war that would trample the innocent people of the world underfoot.
TwilightSparkle: We can't skip this, can we?
Sugarcoat: Why would you want to? This is comedy gold.
As the warrior entered the woman behind the counter looked up with a craggly voice and said "Ah, so you have found the mystical artifact of the ages. They say its power is unimaginable, capable of thwarting even the most foul of beasts and bringing an end to the most insatiable of wars. I am the Goddess of Memories, and I will give you what you the guns you need to stop the war."
TwilightSparkle: Because nothing stops war like guns.
LemonZest: Guns, guns, they're just the best, lay all your enemies to their rest! Yaaaay guns!
The woman's still image faded from sight, and a picture of Twilight's character appeared in front of her, with all kinds of weapons and equipment listed beside it. "Oh, I guess we get our weapons here. Should I be a sniper again?"
Sugarcoat responded, "I would say yes, but snipers are best when they're part of a larger party who can draw the aggro from you. Try something more in the mid-range."
"I'm the healer again!" Lemon Zest exclaimed excitedly. "I'll tend to all your wounds!"
"Hmmm..." Twilight looked through the available weapons, each seemingly tied to a character class. There was a massive weapon that looked like a shotgun that could be useful, but there was another automatic weapon with less power in exchange for more range. Her mind began to spin around in a circle. "Walking into range would take extra seconds off of the time I could be inflicting damage, which means the DPS indicator could be deceiving... enemies with lower HP would die faster if I could start firing sooner regardless of actual DPS once firing begins, but once the HP reaches a certain level it could start affecting my efficiency as the extra time spent firing wouldn't overcome the extra DPS once firing begins..."
"Uh, Twilight?" Lemon asked over the headphones.
"But then if more enemies with higher HP take too much longer than ones with low HP, then the weapon with the higher DPS and less range would be more efficient overall, but where exactly does the threshold lie? What does the average HP for our enemies need to be for the longer range to be more beneficial?" Twilight trailed off for a moment. "Give me just a second girls, I need to do some calculations."
"And we've lost Twilight," Sugarcoat noted as she and Lemon Zest appeared outside the shop again, now clad in their battle armor. Lemon Zest in her leather bikini with her bare hands while Sugarcoat stood in a slightly more full chain outfit, with a massive great sword draped over her shoulder. "So what do you think so far, Lemon?"
"I like it!" Lemon nodded immediately. "And the Goddess of Mammaries is really pretty."
"Memories."
"I know what I said." Lemon grinned. "So hey, how come you have a sword? Didn't you have a gun last time?"
"Yeah, but we need a tank and Twilight would fail at it."
"Oh..." Lemon giggled. "I hope she didn't hear that."
Twilight's mumbling could still be heard in the back of their headsets. "Walking speed seems to be 5 meters a second, subtracted from the DPS..."
"I think we're good on that front." Sugarcoat nodded.
"Okay, I'm taking the shotgun." Twilight appeared beside her friends glad in another chain bikini, though this one had little armbands on it with blue fins flapping out to either side of her. "It was the promise of bosses that was the deciding factor."
"And don't forget other players, too." Sugarcoat reminded her. "This may not be deathmatch mode, but we can still get into fights with others."
"Oooh, I'm glad I chose the way I did, then!"
"So what do we do now?" Lemon asked. "This game doesn't seem to be very good at giving directions."
"It can feel kind of aimless without someone who knows how to play it already," Sugarcoat agreed. "Come on, our next stop is the first dungeon."
"Then let's go!" Lemon Zest rushed toward the edge of town again.
The three girls emerged from town, which suddenly looked a lot smaller than it had once they passed through the gates. The world outside was flat other than a couple of gently rolling hills as they made their way towards a mountain in the very, very near distance. They approached the round opening in the mountain and stopped just outside.
"I feel like this could be more dramatic," Twilight commented.
"I just hope you're ready to see PvE combat," Sugarcoat reminded her. "It's a bit different from PvP. There's no forming alliances and stabbing the rest of us in the back, you're gonna have to carry your weight to victory."
"Okay." Twilight cocked her shotgun dramatically, her voice firm and determined. "I'm ready."
"I think it'll be fine. She doesn't weigh all that much anyway." Lemon Zest giggled.
"Then let's go beat that boss." Sugarcoat led the way into the cave, with her friends and teammates following close on either side of her.
It wasn't far into the mountain when they spotted a massive spider standing right in their path. Its square mandibles were leaking squares onto the flat floor as it turned, like it was seated on an oscillating fan, towards them. It gave a loud, vicious squeak of challenge and was suddenly standing on its two hind legs, its other limbs spread out in threatening defiance.
"I..." Twilight sighed. "Nevermind, it's not worth it."
"Now you're getting into the spirit of things." Sugarcoat spun her sword in front of her before clutching it in both hands. "Soon you'll find comfort in the stupidity."
"Goddess, I hope not." Twilight squeaked in horror at the very idea.
"Come on girls! Let's kick some bipedal spider thorax!" Sugarcoat lifted her sword to her side.
The Spider lurched forward with a piercing shriek... wait, the shriek hadn't come from the Spider. Before Sugarcoat knew what was happening she realized her two companions were screaming into her headset as their characters strategically moved into position right behind her. Right where Sugarcoat had wanted them anyway.
Sugarcoat's sword lifted in front of her to block the first assault, but she still took some damage. A floating fifty appeared in front of her in blocky red lettering.
"Holy crap..." Lemon Zest grunted. "I didn't think a giant spider running at me on two legs would be as terrifying as it is..."
"Seriously... I think looking so weird only makes it scarier." Twilight agreed.
"If you two don't mind, I'm more of a defensive build than an offensive one, so if you could do some damage that would be lovely." Sugarcoat took a swing with her massive sword to force the beast back. "Also I could use some healing, Lemon."
"Right!" Lemon's hand lifted and slapped Sugarcoat clean on the butt, where a sharp green glow flashed and the letters 25 appeared in blocky green lettering.
"Thank you. Come on Twilight, we're up!" Sugarcoat blocked the next assault, then lashed back with her own attack.
"I'm right behind you!" Twilight did indeed stay behind her as they pressed the attack, with the sound of Twilight's shotgun blasts joining Sugarcoat's blows and Lemon's healing slaps.
It wasn't long before the first monster in the game was defeated. It slowly fell from its hindlegs onto its back, where it rocked a few times, then went completely still with its legs sticking straight up into the air.
"That wasn't so bad after all," Twilight commented.
Sugarcoat approached the spider's corpse. "I should hope not. If either of you managed to die on the first enemy I would kick you out of my party right now." She stopped and looked over the frozen arachnid, from which Twilight could see a soft white glow. "It looks like we have some loot, I'll get it." Sugarcoat moved over the spider and squatted down on top of it. When she stood the light was gone, and a message reading Potion Obtained pop up over her head.
"Uh..." Lemon Zest grunted. "Did you just pick that up with your-"
"Thank lazy animators." Sugarcoat turned back to her friends. "We don't have too long to go before we reach the boss room. This is just the first dungeon after all."
They made their way through the strangely angular caverns, taking out a couple more smaller spiders along the way. Twilight Sparkle and Lemon Zest were getting more comfortable in their roles, and Lemon really seemed to be enjoying the close-range healing spells. Which Sugarcoat didn't really mind. Lemon was doing a good job of keeping her HP up, and the giggles she kept letting out meant she was having a lot of fun.
After a short time passed the travelling party made their way into the boss' lair, which was a slightly larger version of the caves they had been wandering through before. Standing before them was another spider, which slowly turned its snakelike body towards them as eight red eyes fixed on their position. Slowly the spider lifted onto its two hindlegs. Its remaining six limbs blurred, and suddenly it was holding six silver handguns the size of its head. It let out a shriek of rage as it aimed the guns at them.
"Okay... I'm not gonna lie, that's kind of awesome," Lemon Zest noted.
"Think it's awesome after it's dead!" With a flash of steel Sugarcoat leapt forward into battle.
The ensuing battle wasn't all that epic, but Sugarcoat felt that her battle party was coming together nicely. She managed to get the Bulletbug focused on her, where she could block most of the damage with her blade, while Lemon Zest kept her healed and alive and Twilight Sparkle opened fire from a reasonable distance. Sugarcoat got in what swipes she could manage, but she knew when to swing and when to soak up the hits, and soon this monster, too, hit the floor with its legs straight up in the air and its guns clattering to the ground.
"We did it!" Lemon Zest leapt up and down in excitement. "We beat the monster!"
"Well done, ladies." Sugarcoat turned to look past the boss' corpse, where a treasure chest waited nestled against the cavern wall, surrounded by torches and an eerie sourceless light. "Do you want to do the honors, Twilight?"
"Okay!" Twilight Sparkle rushed across the room, but was suddenly halted when she collided with another figure who seemed to materialize in front of her. "Gah! Hey, what in the world?"
"Huh?" The figure turned around curiously. The name LadyBelle floated above her head. "Oh! Are you after this treasure too?"
"Uh... yes?" Twilight Sparkle answered in confusion. "The treasure is ours. We beat the boss."
"No, it's ours! We beat the boss!" Another voice insisted. Two more figures had appeared on LadyBelle's left. "And we're taking that treasure!"
"I'm so confused!" Twilight exclaimed.
"Relax, it's just a loot duel." Sugarcoat interjected. "When two parties try to go for the same chest at the same time, there's a chance the game will instance them together. Winner takes the goods, and it'll be a lot better than it would be otherwise."
"Who designed this game!?" Twilight Sparkle exclaimed. "That makes no sense!"
"Koreans, probably."
"Oh hey, you're Button's friend, Sugarcoat." LadyBelle squeaked through her microphone. "We beat your butt the other day!"
"Yes. Yes you did," Sugarcoat grumbled. "And if a certain someone stabs us in the back again, I'm kicking her out of the party forever."
"Sorrryyyyyy..." Twilight whined apologetically.
Sugarcoat turned her attention back to the newcomer. "So Button's not with you today?"
"Nah, I was just showing my friends the game." LadyBelle gestured to the two girls who were standing behind her. Sugarcoat noticed now that all three of them were wearing long purple cloaks with a strange symbol on them, usually indicating that they were part of a Clan. "This is AppleBoom and Shootaloo. My best friends."
"Howdy." AppleBoom waved.
"'Sup?" Shootaloo echoed.
"The Cutie Mark Crusaders?" Twilight read the clan name under the picture of a shield with three figured holding up massive weapons between them. "What's a cutie mark?"
"It's Sweetie's birthmark." Shootaloo snickered. "She doesn't like where it is or how it looks, so we started calling it her Cutie Mark to make her feel better."
"Scootaloo!" LadyBelle shrieked shrilly. "Why don't you just tell them my measurements while you're at it!?"
"I don't know your measurements." Shootaloo shrugged.
"Nor are we interested in your measurements," Sugarcoat noted.
"I might be a little interested." Lemon waved.
"She's fourteen."
Lemon lowered her hand. "I'm not interested anymore."
LadyBelle scooted up to them, speaking in a sickly cute voice. "So hey, do you think you could forfeit the fight and let us have the chest? They're both new and they could use the new equipment. Pleeeaaaase?"
"Hmmm... tempting..." Sugarcoat approached LadyBelle, hefting her massive blade from her back. "But enough talk..." She lifted her blade to LadyBelle's sleeker rapier, letting the blades rest against one-another. "Have at you!"
Suddenly the cavern exploded into motion. Sugarcoat and LadyBelle's swords clashed amid showers of flat, random sparks while AppleBoom and Shootaloo opened fire with their machineguns. Sugarcoat could see her life plummeting out of the corner of her eye until Lemon Zest latched onto her from behind, her hands finding purchase on her chest-based handholds while a healing field began to envelope her.
"Don't worry, I've got you!" Lemon Zest exclaimed happily.
"Good job." Sugarcoat pressed the attack, bolstered by Lemon Zest's touch, but the shield could only absorb attacks from three opponents at once for so long. Thankfully, Twilight Sparkle was busy circling around on the right, turning towards the two gun-toting girls and focusing her shotgun in on them.
"Accounting for the distance, spread, and angle, this should provide optimal damage output against two opponents at once..." Twilight opened fire, and both AppleBoom and Shootaloo were suddenly thrown back by the force of the blast. Twilight rushed after them, firing as fast as her slow but powerful weapon would allow. The two machineguns whirled on Twilight, but this left LadyBelle facing a rapidly-healing Sugarcoat on her own.
"Eeep! Guys!" LadyBelle jerked back as a massive blow sent her character stumbling, then whirled to race towards her friends. Twilight was backing away from the onslaught now, her life bar depleting rapidly, but Sugarcoat leapt between them with Lemon Zest still dangling from her like a human backpack, and soaked up the bullets even as she pressed the assault.
Twilight bullet's flew through her, unable to harm her own party member, as Sugarcoat pressed in. AppleBoom and Shootaloo backed away as fast as they could, but Sugarcoat was closing in faster than they could retreat. LadyBelle tried to get in front of them, but a simultaneous swing of Sugarcoat's sword and a blast from Twilight's shotgun knocked her clear out of the fight against the cavern wall, leaving her two companions left to face the onslaught.
"Okay, we yield! We yield!" LadyBelle exclaimed.
"What? We do!?" Shootaloo looked back. "I don't wanna yield!"
"Well you don't want to deal with the death penalty either!" LadyBelle exclaimed. "It's so annoying!"
"This game has too many rules, if you ask me." Twilight Sparkle stood up straight as her stance shifted back to her normal idle stance.
"Nobody ever said it was perfect." Sugarcoat turned back to LadyBelle. "You did pretty good, your party just isn't very well balanced. You're all offense and no defense. You need a healer. Speaking of which, Lemon Zest, my hit points are full."
"Oh, right." Lemon Zest's hands made a soft popping noise as they dislodged from Sugarcoat's bikini top. "Ahehehe, sorry."
"Yeah, maybe, but we're not here to min/max, we're here to have fun," LadyBelle shrugged helplessly.
"I dunno how fun this was, though. We almost died four times just gettin' through the first level." AppleBoom noted with a hint of sourness in her voice.
"Yeah, that kinda sucked," Shootaloo agreed.
"Aw come on, can't we just give it a try for a little while longer?" LadyBelle asked. "I really like this game, and I know Button Mash likes it too."
"It's no fun playin' a game that just kicks yer butt all the time," AppleBoom pointed out.
"You know, if you want to have some fun and kick some real butt, we could always party up from here on out," Sugarcoat suggested. "My party is new too, and it took us way too long to get here. We're almost all defense. We could rip this game a new one with the six of us."
"Party up?" LadyBelle's voice brightened. "I think that sounds like a great idea! And we would all get to share the treasure too! What do you girls think?"
"I think it sounds better than going it alone has been." Shootaloo nodded. "I'm in."
"Me too!" AppleBoom agreed.
"The more the merrier!" Lemon Zest chimed in.
"I think that sounds nice," Twilight echoed.
"Then let's do it. everyone friend up and party up." Sugarcoat opened her menu to make the appropriate changes. Soon the three girls in front of them had different names above their heads. SweetieBelle, AppleBloom, and Scootaloo.
"Alright! I feel ready to take on this world!" Scootaloo made a fist-pumping motion. "Now what did we get for taking out that boss?"
Sugarcoat approached the chest, kneeling in front of it and touching her knee to it to cause the top to suddenly be open. A strange icon floated up out of it, which looked like a pile of string with two small coins sewn into the center of it.
"Looks like top armor for a magic user." Sugarcoat turned back to the others. "This is yours, Lemon Zest."
"Woohoo! Comes to momma!" Lemon Zest rushed forward.
Apple Bloom turned to Sweetie Belle. "Are you sure we're actually old enough to play this game?"
Sweetie Belle coughed. "Well... technically my mom doesn't know I play it... but it's just a game, and it's not like there's any explicit nudity."
"Whatever!" Scootaloo butted in. "I want to see how much butt we kick now that we have a full team! Let's get moving!"
"I'm with her!" Lemon Zest did a little dance, now wearing the new armor they had found in the chest. "Let's move on!"
"Alright then." Sugarcoat turned to march towards the exit with her sword hefted over her shoulder. "We've got plenty more game to get through."
And so, with the first major battle under the warrior's belt, our hero ventured back out into the lands in search of the next evil to right, the next wrong to correct, and the next treasure to confiscate. The warrior's destiny had become clear to them, as clear as the dead bodies that lay in the warrior's wake, evidence of their might and righteousness. This world was corrupt, and it would be cleansed by the healing power of the bullets in the warrior's gun.
TwilightSparkle: I... you know what? Nevermind. Just nevermind.
Scootaloo: Now come on, I want to shoot more things!
LemonZest: I like your style! Let's take the world by storm! Woohoo!
SweetieBelle: Yeah! this world is ours! But oh wait, I have homework to do tonight! I totally forgot!
AppleBloom: Gah! Was that tonight? Oh man, I am so dead!
Sugarcoat: Don't you dare...
TwilightSparkle: Yeah, Spike's being kind of whiny anyway. I should take him for a walk.
LemonZest: I'll bring Mina! It'll be a doggy date!
TwilightSparkle: Oh yay!
Sugarcoat: I hate you all.
Scootaloo: I'll come over to your place for the homework, Sweetie. I don't really get a lot of what we're covering.
SweetieBelle: Sure! You can come too AppleBloom!
Applebloom: I'll be there soon!
Suddenly Sugarcoat found herself standing on the edge of the starting town, surrounded only by the waving grass and the sound of the wind in her headphones.
"Ah, fuck it." Sugarcoat logged out.
