The Decutie-laration

by TheCastawayPariah

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Second Person, Comedy
Length: 1584

You educate the foals about a certain significant date back in your home world, and this quickly devolves into an innocent, lighthearted fantasy game.

Having a lot of spare time in your newfound presence in Equestria, you talk to the Cutie Mark(ed) Crusaders and explain to them about Independence Day, which is currently going on in your world (assuming the timespan of a day in Equestria correlates with that on Earth). Even though they already have their symbolic butt marks, these fillies always find the fun to be had in anything.

Rated T for dumb and immature humor.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-04 23:50:01 UTC

"Let's be Independent! Yay!"

"Sounds like quite the exciting day," you commented to the three fillies, hiding up high in this treehouse that brought back memories. Hearing their cutie mark story sure was interesting.

"That's the understatement of the year," Scootaloo affirmed.

"The decade," said Apple Bloom on top of that.

"The century!" chorused Sweetie Belle.

"The millennium!"

"The era!"

"Erm, s'that one right, Sweetie?"

"I get it, I get it," you interjected. "Pretty sweet friggin' day an' all. I bet it was like for my cousin when he hit his first home run... speaking of which, there ought to be a pretty big baseball game going on right now."

"What's the occasion?" asked Scootaloo. "Rainbow Dash's awesomeness?"

Having kept track of your days in Equestria since you arrived, today would be July 4th, assuming their calendar correlated with yours. "It's something we call Independence Day," you said. How could you put it? "The Continental Congress declared that the thirteen American colonies regarded themselves as a new nation, the United States of America, and no longer part of the British Empire" didn't exactly roll off the tongue. "It's where our country finally became free from our tea-sipping overlords."

"That gives me an idea, gals!" declared Apple Bloom. "What if we started our OWN country?"

With blackjack and hookers? you think.

"Yeah! Nopony could tell us what to do because WE'D be in charge!" exclaimed Scootaloo. "We could stay up as late as we wanted! Except Sweetie Belle. She's terrible at staying up late."

"What? Not at all!" squeaked Sweetie. "That's a rude remark and I want you to think about it while I'm napping." She nestled into her sleeping bag and dozed off.

"Then ah hereby declare this Applescootsweet... er..."

"-Erica?" you offered Apple Bloom.

"Applescootsweeterica!" She reached into a long box and pulled out a long pole. You couldn't stifle a small snicker at the sight of the pole between her hind legs as she got it ready and took it outside and put it up proudly. On the pole was their official flag.

"Can I just ask?" you said. "Why do you still have that flag if you've already got your cutie marks?"

"We could never get rid of this," affirmed Apple Bloom. "This here's been with us for all this time. Symbolic, if y'all know whattah mean."

"I guess that makes sense," you answered. "Just because I happened to be wearing these socks when I successfully came out of a casino with more money than when I went in, I haven't taken them off since."

The fillies' eyes all twitched.

"Got you there, didn't I?" you say smugly.

"Let's... get ready," said Scootaloo, attempting to ignore you. "If we're gonna be running our own country, we'll need some supplies from Sugarcube Corner."

You opted not to point out the contradiction so as not to spoil their fun.

"Let's move!" declared Apple Bloom, casually pushing Sleepy Belle out the door and off the treehouse.

"Yeah. That's pretty much how it goes," you finished to Pinkie Pie as you applied an ice pack to Sweetie Belle's broken nose.

"Super-duper-swell!" she exclaimed, packaging the cupcakes. "Especially the corn dogs on a stick!"

"You wouldn't be the first lady who's said she likes the corn dogs the most," you muttered snidely. You paid for the cupcakes and said your farewells before you and the fillies leave, ready to start work on your territory. You'd be needing these supplies, because it would be LONG.

"Awright, team!" announced Apple Bloom. "Ah'm the leader now!"

"President," you informed her.

"That's what ah said," Apple Bloom replied.

Sweetie Belle pouted. "But I wanted to be that title... is there like a second-in-command title I can get?"

You whispered the accurate term to Scootaloo.

"And I'm Vice President!" she yelled.

"Okay, you be Vice President, and I'll be..." She reached into her backpack and pulled out a box of rice. "Rice President!"

"Guess I'll be Chief of Staff to the President then," you say. "And that's a real position by the way, unlike Rice President."

"And ah get to make all the rules!" cried Apple Bloom. "But what do ah do..."

"Scootaloo is never allowed to sing ever?" piped up Sweetie.

"The first thing we ought to do is carry out some spy missions to see if we have any enemies," you suggested, getting into the spirit of their little game.

"Well, it can't be Sweetie Belle. She's terrible at being subtle," put in Scootaloo.

"What? Not at all!" squeaked Sweetie. "You're being worse than when we stole from Diamond Tiara's bedroom!"

"I'll do it," you offered.

"Good colt!" congratulated Apple Bloom. "Your first call of duty is to go check out that-"

"Actually, that would be Modern Warfare," you corrected.

She seemed befuddled, but shrugged it off as another human thing she didn't understand. "I need ya to check out that bush far out. The biggest one. Ah've been noticing some colts we know hang out there more often recently."

"Will do. But I expect payment." You took one of the cupcakes. Those sugary, saccharine cupcakes...

"Good luck!" called the fillies, waving as you set out with valor and pride.

Having reached the bush at last, you spoke. "Hello." Whoops.

A skinny little tan colt with a short brown mane and tail jumped up from behind the bush waving a stick, before falling back unceremoniously. He hopped back up. "Who goes there?!"

"We have enemy ambush!" A light grey pegasus colt with a dark grey mane and tail hopped in front of you. "You are hereby under order to retreat!" He turned around and stuck his rump in the air pointing it at you. "And you are warned, I had bean burritos for lunch!"

You chuckled at this. Boys will be boys. "Hey now, I don't wanna attack or anything."

"Oh, you don't? That's okay then!" He went back behind the bush. Wow, they had a pretty swift trial system. "We thought you were allies with those fillies."

"Oh, uh, you did?" you answered nervously.

"They took the last Poppin' Pastry yesterday..." said the skinny colt. "We have to FIGHT them for this!"

"Why not start your own country? That's what they did," you reply.

"Okay. This is now Rumble-ania!" declared the colt. "I'm Rumble, by the way."

"Rumble, huh?" Maybe the threat he'd made with his butt had something to do with his name.

"Want to help?" asked the skinny colt, who looked like he could really use one of the aforementioned Poppin' Pastries. "We could use a human on our side."

You considered, and decided that hanging out with these three had to be fun. The Cutie Mark(ed) Crusaders weren't bad, per se, but here, you were insured against club meetings related to make-up and dolls. "Sure thing. You deserve more of those cupcakes." You gave the cupcake you'd taken to the skinny colt. He sniffed it and took it, wolfing it down. "Thanks a bunch!" he said gratefully. "I'm Featherweight."

"I'm Pipsqueak!" said another colt in a British accent. "And we shall celebrate our takeover with tea and crumpets!"

Oh, you were NOT having that in July 4th. Not on THIS day. "No, kid. Just no."

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"Rawrrr!" you yelled as your battle cry as you ran towards the treehouse you had betrayed in the spirit of good fun.

You climbed up the ladder and pointed a plastic sword at the fillies. "This is a stick-up!"

"How-how COULD you?!" cried Sweetie Belle.

"Well, thing is-"

"How could you get it wrong? Stick-ups are something you do with guns, not swords."

"Okay..." You thought of something else. "Arr, me hearties!" Maybe you could find work in Equestria as an impressionist.

"We're not on water," pointed out Sweetie Belle.

"Look, we don't have the budget for an A-rank production. Point is, we're attackin' ye, landlubbers!"

"Yeah! We want Poppin' Pastries!" demanded Rumble.

"Wait... pastry? That's what this's about?" asked Apple Bloom.

"Yeah! They need it! You're just being greedy here!" you said, sticking up for the colts.

"You know..." said Scootaloo. "You only had to ask."

"We did?" said Pipsqueak.

"Well, Rumble, anyway," added Scoots. "Just because he looks adorable when he eats. He looks like a chipmunk."

"Aw, thanks, Scoots..." He invited himself into the treehouse and leaned in closer to her face...

"You got some frosting there."

"Oh, I do?" Scoots blushed.

Rumble licked it off her face.

Scoots' eyes widened at this, and she leaned in closer too... and locked lips with him. She stuck her tongue out... and the two got down and rolled around as they tongue-kissed each other.

"What..." said Sweetie Belle. "...is THAT about?"

You, meanwhile, awestruck, were filming the spectacle, grateful you could at least do something with your phone without Internet connection.

The two young ponies continued to make quite a sight of themselves as they kissed dramatically...

"It certainly is good to be able to warp reality, isn't it?" commented Discord casually, as he and you sat on a hill with a rainbow-colored sky above you. He sipped more of his lava tea.

"I bet it is," you remarked. "I get the feeling this wasn't the first time you did it."

"Not at all," he went on. "I once played quite the prank with Pinkie and Fluttershy. The things I made that pink mare say about stage fright and singing... I think I caused quite the uproar. Somewhere in the multiverse."