Good Morning, Ponyville...
Roger is Best Pony
As a longtime resident of Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle was used to the peculiar. On this particular sunny day, however, she would find herself faced with something that, while not totally unfamiliar, was completely and undeniably a first for the town.
It all started when Spike, her faithful assistant and surrogate brother, came knocking on her door. Twilight, ever the vigilant learner, was pouring over a series of treaties written more than one-hundred years ago, detailing the specific borders between Equestria and the Griffon Kingdoms. It was a fascinating read and one she was sure to put to good use when Equestria played host to their avian ambassadors. Twilight wanted to be prepared. She was even practicing her Griffon-speak.
“Leq’han amiri j’hak. Ken’ch’a mori khato’jha,” she said hesitantly. She found the consonants a particular challenge as pony vocal chords did not possess the harsh baritone of their Eastern neighbors. Still, it proved a joyful afternoon. Twilight couldn’t wait to practice her Griffonian come the summit. Now the real challenge came in reading the darn language. The griffons used a runic alphabet that was different from the Celestial script common to Equestria. It reminded her of the draconic characters she’d studied back in her History of the Dragon Empires in Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns.
“Katheri ac’ghan?” Twilight said, her eyes narrowing on a peculiar character. “Katheri ac’jian?” Her eyes lit up. “Ac’jian!” Satisfied with herself, she moved onto the next word paragraph. Already she had translated three-fourths of the treaties herself. Of course there was already a translated text, but Twilight wanted to master the language so she had pulled out her own parchment and began jotting down the words she wasn’t sure of before committing them to memory.
Knock-knock.
“Wach’jai!” Twilight said.
The door to the study slowly opened. A small purple dragon poked his head inside. “Um…what did you say?”
Glancing up from her studies, Twilight beamed at her little companion. “I said ‘Enter’ in Griffonian.” Giggling she added, “Isn’t it a marvelous language?”
Spike had nothing to say to that.
“Oh don’t give me that look,” the giddy princess said, returning to her notes. “If you’d paid as much attention to your studies of foreign languages as you did your comics, you’d be a polyglot by now.”
“A poly-what? Is that Griffonian too?”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “It means being able to speak several languages. Honestly, Spike! What do you do with all your free time?”
Muttering under his breath, Spike said, “Live.”
“What was that?”
“Never mind. Listen, Twilight…there’s something you need to see.”
“What is it?” Still perusing her notes, Twilight lifted a quill with her magic and added a straight line over a vowel to accentuate the tone. “L’aaaaaamach.”
“Ahem…do you want to see it?”
“Sure.” Twilight’s lips moved in silence as she tried to pronounce the next word. “Moach’lichet.”
Clearing his voice, Spike said, “Seeing something usually involves looking at it.”
Twilight did. All she saw was Spike standing in the doorway, the door half closed. “Okay. What do you want to show me?”
“This.” Spike pushed the door open. Stepping aside, he made room for the visitor to enter. Half-stumbling, the four-legged “creature” did its best to appear equine, and was failing miserably. Its “coat” resembled a hodgepodge of some roughly-sewed fabric that would give Rarity nightmares. The coat was bright yellow, similar to Fluttershy’s but nowhere near as perfect or as natural. The tail and mane were so unkempt that each strand appeared like some amoebic organism desperate to escape its host.
In short, this was one ugly pony—if it were meant to be a pony at all.
“Uhhhhhh,” Twilight, at a lost for words, said.
The “pony” strode up to her, which is to say its pancake-shaped hooves slapped the ground loudly. It stopped just before the podium, its eyes leering at Twilight suspiciously.
“See what I mean?” Spike said. The dragon leaned back against the wall, watching Twilight’s expression with more than a little amusement. Spike took pride in the fact in being one of the few inhabitants of Equestria who could still surprise the seemingly all-knowing Princess Twilight Sparkle.
“Can I... help you?” She asked the visitor.
The visitor raised a “hoof” to its face, gently rubbing the stubble underneath its chin. “That all depends,” it said in a deep, baritone voice, male.
“On?” Twilight pressed.
“On whether or not you’re an alien in disguise!” In an instant, it, he, leaped over the podium as if to tackle Twilight. Twilight yelped, her horn lit up, catching her assailant in midair. On pure defensive instinct, Twilight tossed him across the room, right into a bookshelf that toppled over, pinning him underneath. The attacker groaned as the shelf came down on top of him, knocking the wind from his lungs.
Gasping, Twilight quickly flew to just above the downed shelf. Her horn lit up with a spell that would render the assailant unconscious should he try something that stupid again. “What was that all about?” She demanded.
“Do I have your attention now?” Spike asked by the doorway.
Glancing at him, but keeping her horn alit, Twilight said, “What do…did you know this would happen?”
“He did the same thing to me when we first met.” Spike came strutting up to Twilight, who by then had landed on her hooves. “I found him walking around the market this morning. I followed him into an alley and he ambushed me. It took some convincing but once he realized I wasn’t a KGB spy, whatever that is, I said I’d take him to see the boss. That’s you.”
“And you didn’t think to warn me he’d do something like that?” Twilight glowered at him.
Spike shrugged. “Twilight, you’re an alicorn. He’s,”
“A human. I know.” Glaring, she turned towards the shelf which was now fidgeting as the stranger tried to pry himself free. “The question is what in Celestia’s name is a human doing in Equestria?”
“Beats me. But hey, it was only a matter of time, right?”
“Spike! This is serious. If this one could get across then who knows how many could be running around here by tomorrow?”
“Which is why I brought him to you. If anyone can figure this out, you can.”
The human finally managed to pry his head out from beneath the shelf. “I smell licorice. Does anyone else smell licorice?”
Aiming her horn down like a weapon, Twilight said, “I demand to know you are you and what you are doing in Ponyville!”
“Ponyville? Oh yeah, I saw a sign like that before I got here. Nice place. Lots of parking.”
“Answer me!” Twilight demanded. Her horn flared for good measure.
“Alright fine!” Pinned as he was, the human knew he had no chance of escaping the angry alicorn. Thus he capitulated. “I’m Agent Stan Smith of the C.I.A. I’m trying to apprehend a dangerous individual who has somehow crossed over into your dimension.”
“The C.I.A?” Spike pondered. “Where have I heard that before?”
Twilight enlightened him. “It stands for Central Intelligence Agency. It’s a special security branch of the United States government that deals with potential threats to national security.”
Stan gasped. “You know about us?”
Twilight turned smug. “I’ve visited your world many times in the past.”
“Three,” Spike muttered.
“Whatever, Spike. The point is, Agent Stan Smith, that I am aware of human beings and know they have no place in Equestria. Now tell me, how did you get here?”
Stan shrugged. Or tried to, his shoulders were still pinned beneath the shelf. “Don’t really understand the math. Suffice it to say the guys in the lab had a mirror and I walked through.”
“Wait. Did you say mirror?”
“Yeah.”
“As in magic mirror?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
Twilight stomped a hoof. “I’m asking the questions here. Does the C.I.A have access to Equestrian magic?”
“Look lady, I don’t even know where ‘here’ is exactly. All I know is I have to stop Roger before he screws up the equilibrium of time and space.”
“Who’s Roger?” Spike asked.
“He’s an alien,” Stan said.
“You do realize that from our perspective, you’re the alien, right?” Spike told the C.I.A man.
Twilight cut off Stan’s reply. “Look, we’ll deal with the schematics of your arrival later. You said you were after a dangerous individual. Is that this Roger person?”
“He’s not a person. He’s a fey, pansexual, alcoholic extraterrestrial lunatic from another planet who lives in my attic.”
Twilight and Spike glanced sideways at him.
“Look, I know that may not sound like anything to you, what are you, horses?”
Twilight huffed. “We’re ponies!”
Stan looked at Spike. “And you’re an iguana or something?”
Spike puffed out his chest. “I’m a dragon.” When Stan’s eyebrow went up, Spike lost his bluster. “A small dragon.”
“Look Stan Smith,” Twilight began, her voice taking on an imperious tone. “You are in the land of Equestria. I am Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship. This here is Ponyville, my protectorate and seat of my palace. If there is an individual who poses a threat to my town then I want to know everything. Why he’s here, what he could be after, what are his abilities, everything.” She lowered her head so that her radiated horn was mere inches from Stan’s face. “Now, I want you to tell me everything there is to know about this Roger and I don’t want you to leave anything out. Understand?”
Stan sighed. “Alright.”
Two hours later…
“Okay, you could have left that part out,” Spike said. His stomach felt sick and he was on the verge of vomiting.
“I’ll say!” Twilight spouted. She was pacing back and forth, irate legs taking long strides from one end of the room to the other. “He sounds like a psychopath!” Ceasing, Twilight turned to Stan who was still trapped underneath bookshelf. “How could you let that lunatic enter Equestria?”
“It’s not my fault.”
“It’s never your fault with you C.I.A types. Honestly! Is it any wonder you’re the laughing stock of the intelligence bureaus of the universe?”
Stan’s brows furrowed at this. “Um…what?”
“Never you mind! This is an emergency. Spike, take a letter.”
Seemingly out of nowhere, Spike pulled out a paper and quill and was ready to write.
“Dear Princess Celestia,”
“Wait!” Stan cried out. “What are you doing?”
“I’m warning the ruler of Equestria about a dangerous extra-dimensional criminal whose presence could pose a threat to the entire kingdom. Got a problem with that?”
“…problem with that?” Spike penned.
“What the…Spike! Don’t write that part!”
The dragon shrugged. “Sorry. It’s second nature to me.”
Groaning, Twilight turned to Stan. “You be quiet! I have to alert the princess.”
“No!” Stan spoke with such adamancy that it silenced Twilight. “You can’t let this get out. The more people that know about this the greater the chances that Roger will find out and escape. I can’t let that happen.”
“First of all, it’s ponies. Not people. Second of all, why only you?” Twilight asked. “If Roger is as dangerous as you say, why would the agency send only one agent?”
“And with such a crappy disguise,” Spike added.
Stan bit back his tongue.
“Fine. If you won’t talk,”
“Wait.” He sighed. “Okay. The truth is, the agency has no idea I’m here. If you’ve been to the States then you know how my government feel about aliens. If it got out that my family was harboring an extra-terrestrial,”
“You’d be arrested,” Twilight concluded.
“Which is why they cannot know. When I found out what Roger was up to, I broke into the agency’s top secret lab and used a device that allows inter-dimensional travel.”
“Why would you guys make up something like that?” Spike asked.
“Honestly, I think the lab boys just watched one too many episodes of Stargate and wanted to build one of their own. Took me forever to figure out how to use it. Seriously, I was up until like 1 p.m. before finding this place.”
“A device?” Twilight repeated. “Hm. That might explain why you’re not an actual pony. The magic mirror I used transformed me into a human when I crossed over.” Her voice darkened. “Though that still doesn’t explain the getup. Frankly, I’m insulted you’d even think you could pass for one of us.”
“Look, lady, I was pressed for time and my son his friend once dressed up as a horse for Halloween. It itches something fierce. Maybe it’s the licorice. Maybe that’s what I smell. Do you honestly not smell it? It’s driving me crazy.” Fidgeting, Stan added, “Sides, I was able to stroll in unmolested. I think the outfit works pretty well.”
“He’s right, Twilight. Remember, no one here has ever seen a human before. I was the only one who recognized him for what he was,” Spike said. “As far as they’re concerned, he’s just some strange foreigner.”
“He is a foreigner, Spike.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Listen, Twilight, is it?” Stan said. “I’m sorry I attacked you earlier. Roger has a penchant for finding leadership positions in any role he chooses. I had to make sure you weren’t him and last I check he couldn’t throw me across the room just by thinking it.”
“If that’s your way of apologizing…”
Stan stopped her. “You don’t understand. Roger can just blend in anywhere. The guy’s a Where’s Waldo of interdimensional travel. He lives all these different lives and no one notices. It’s like he has some kind of magic spell that no one can see through.”
“Magic?” Twilight’s eyes lit up.
Spike rolled his eyes. “Oh boy. Did he ever come to the wrong dimension?” Spike gestured at Twilight. “Her talent is magic. If there’s any pony who can see through his disguise,”
But Stan cut him off. “I’m sorry, talking pumpernickel iguana, but she can’t.”
Before Spike could retort, Twilight held up a hoof to silence him. “Explain,” she told Stan.
“At home, I can keep him in line, but apparently Langley Falls just doesn’t do it for old Roger anymore. Our universe is too small, too boring. He’s seen most of it even before he crashed in the Nevada Desert back in 1947. I don’t expect that to have any significance for you.”
“Area 51,” Twilight deadpanned.
Stan leered at her. “Fine. He wants to travel to other realities, try new personas, new lives. In each and every one, he’s managed to utterly destroy that world. Ever heard of Argon City?” Twilight shook her head. “Gone. Lunis?” Again, her head swayed. “Gone. The Alien World of Mer?” After this final shake, Stan said, “Each was a world that was wiped out of existence because of Roger.”
“But why?” Spike asked. “Why would he do that?”
“Honesty, I don’t think he realizes the damage he’s doing. Roger’s a selfish, egotistical bastard but he’s not a genocidal, selfish, egotistical maniac. Destroying every world would be like ruining his playgrounds. He needs them in order to live out his personas. He’s not doing it on purpose but he can’t stop himself. It’s Roger.”
Looking from one to the other, Stan pleaded with them, “Look, I’m the only one who can stop him. Roger’s lived with my family for years. Only I will be able to tell him apart from everyone else. I’ve been tracking his movements from one world to the next but each time he manages to elude me until it’s too late.”
“But how can you stop someone who destroys entire worlds?” Twilight asked. She counted all the villains whom she had defeated throughout the years. Nightmare Moon. Discord. Sombra. Chrysalis. Tirek. Starlight Glimmer. All powerful. All dangerous. Yet each seemed to pale in face of this world-destroying monster from Earth.
Roger the Alien. The greatest threat Equestria has ever known.
“Do you even know how he does it?” Spike asked.
Stan shook his head. “No. But I’m getting close. I can feel it. This time I’ve narrowed his location to somewhere in this town. If you help me, I just might be able to track him down before it’s too late.”
Twilight gulped. “How much time do we have?”
Stan grimaced. “Twenty-four hours.”
“What?!”
“Well actually it’s a little under twenty-two. You guys had me telling you Roger’s story and that took a ton of time. Time I could have spent hunting him down. Hell, I’d probably have found him and be on my way home by now if I wasn’t pinned under this shelf.”
“Are you kidding me?” Twilight’s horn flared. The shelf was lifted as if it weighed no more than a feather. Books cluttered off of Stan as he rose to his hooves, no, to his feet—his two feet. “There’s no time to waste. You have to help us find him.”
“You can count on me, princess.” He groaned and hunched over. “But first, can I use your bathroom? I’ve been prairie dogging for the past twenty minutes and I really need to drop a log.”
Twilight sighed. “Out the hall, make a right, fourth door on your left.”
“Thank you.” Still holding his stomach, Stan Smith ran out the room.
Only when he was done did she begin pacing again. “This is serious, Spike. The fact that beings from other worlds can just cross over into Equestria without any pony noticing is bad enough. But from Earth?”
“Do you think he’s telling the truth?” The little dragon asked.
“I think so. I’ve tangled with some of the best liars in Equestria and compared to them that human’s an amateur. As to whether or not we can trust him I will say this: if he crosses me, Roger will be the least of his problems.”
“Okay.” Then Spike said, “Here’s another question: do you think he can stop him?”
Twilight considered it. “If he can’t,” she looked at him, “we will.”
“I know he said we should keep this between us, but maybe we should let the others in on this.”
Twilight thought a moment before shaking her head. “If this Roger is as good at disguising himself as Stan says he is,”
Spike yelped. “You think he could be one of them?”
“Don’t be silly, Spike! I know our friends are who they say they are. But Agent Smith was right about one thing. The fewer ponies that know, the better our chances of catching Roger off guard.”
Crossing his arms, Spike said, “And you think walking around with a human in a badly-made pony costume is going to give you the upper hoof in that regard? I’m pretty sure this Roger guy will spot Stan a mile away. I did and I barely lived in the human world.”
Twilight sighed. “You’re right about that. I think we’ll have to make a stop at the Carousel Boutique before anything else. If any pony can make any pony look like someone else, it’s Rarity.”
“Actually, I was thinking more of a glamour spell. You have those don’t you?”
Twilight’s face lit up. “Of course! I can’t believe I almost forgot. Spike, find me the book on magical camouflage. I think it’s in shelf D.”
Spike looked away, looked at Twilight, looked away again, and said, “You mean the shelf you just threw halfway across the room and is now in shambles?”
Suddenly, the more colorful aspects of the Griffon language came to Twilight as she cursed.
“Ka’ghan’chek!”
Author's Note
This is literally my first crossover...EVER. When I first began writing fan fiction I swore I'd never do this. But once the idea got into my head it would shut up until I let it out. So here it is. I'm letting it all out.
That's right. Toilet humor and friendship magic all in one licorice-covered package. Enjoy!
I"ve got a feeling that it's going to be a wonderful day
Spike didn’t recall much about the human world that he liked. Most of the time he kept his mouth shut as dogs weren’t supposed to talk over there. Actually, they didn’t talk in Equestria either. No pony save Fluttershy could understand them at any rate, but Spike imagined if ponies and humans could understand them they’d have a lot to say.
Aside from their human friends at Canterlot High, the only positive he could bring to mind about Earth was its food. Ponies were marvelous cooks but a bit one-sided in the meat department. Spike was a dragon, a born meat-eater. He substituted his carnivorous diet by consuming precious gems. The gems, when ground up, helped stimulate his stomach acids and provided a much-needed protein alternative. They also helped with his magic fire for some reason that he couldn’t recall how exactly. That was something Twilight had told him when he was young. Now that he was older, he suspected it was just another way to make sure Spike didn’t eat their neighbors.
Not that he thought about it.
Much.
“So uh…you live here with these ponies?” Agent Stan Smith of the C.I.A asked him as they walked behind Twilight Sparkle. Looking ridiculous in his pony getup, Stan’s awkward attempt at trotting made him seem inebriated. His “hooves” clapped loudly on the paved street. His tail, which was no more than a cloth stapled to the rear-end, flopped like some giant tapeworm with each step he took.
“Yup,” Spike answered. “Though I’m not originally from here. I was born in Canterlot.”
“Is that like a city or something?”
“It’s the capital. That’s where the two princesses have their palace.”
“Wait. Two princesses?”
“Yup. Celestia and Luna. They rule here.”
“I thought Twilight Startle,”
“Sparkle.”
“Right. I thought she was the princess.”
“We have four, actually. Well, five. You see Princess Cadence and Shining Armor had a baby alicorn and that makes her,”
“What’s an alicorn?”
“That’s what Twilight is.”
“I thought she was a pony.”
“She is.”
“How can she be an alicorn and a pony?”
Spike sighed. “Look, an alicorn is the embodiment of the three pony tribes: earth pony, unicorn, and pegasus. It’s like all three wrapped into one.”
“And you call it an al-i-corn?” Stan gargled the word in his mouth. Glancing at Twilight, he turned to Spike and said, “I would have just called it a flying, horned, horsey thing.”
“That’s not very creative.”
“Yeah but it fits. Just look at it. See? It’s a horse with a horn and wings. Flying, horned, horsey thing. A flying…horse horn? A flying horny! That’s what it is.”
“It can hear you,” Twilight growled back. Less than a day in Equestria and already this Stan Smith was getting on her nerves. Granted she’d known only a few humans in her life, but if this one was any indication about those outside of Canterlot High, she was only too happy they remained blissfully ignorant about her homeland. “We’re here,” she said.
The trio paused before the Carousel Boutique. As it wasn’t the busy season, the establishment wasn’t filled with lines of customers. Not that there were usually lines as Ponyville was a small town and half the female residents, who were the primary patrons, could have fit comfortably inside the boutique at any time.
“Stay here. I’m going to have a word with Rarity. Spike, keep an eye on our guest until I get back.” Twilight entered the boutique, leaving the two alone.
“I don’t think she likes me,” Agent Stan said. “Is it because of the licorice?” He smelled himself. “Does she not like licorice?”
“Dude, what’s with you and the licorice? I don’t smell a thing,” Spike said, clearly irritated.
“What? All I’m saying is that I smell licorice.”
“Well I don’t. Let’s leave it at that.” Spike crossed his arms and huffed. A puff of green fire escaped his snout.
Stan chuckled. “Hey that was cool.”
“What?”
“The fire thing. You almost looked a dragon when you did that.”
Spike stomped his foot. “I am a dragon! I told you that back at the palace.”
Sitting on his rump, which looked rather awkward for a two-legged creature, Stan raised his hind leg and began to scratch the back of his hear. “Look I’m not saying you aren’t a dragon. It’s just that where I’m from dragons are supposed to be big and strong. You’re small and weak.”
“What did you say?” Spike’s ire rose. His chest heaving, Spike glared daggers at the human. “I swear I’ll…”
“Hey!” Stan laughed. “You’re doing the tongue thing.”
It was true. Spike was so angered that his tongue began flicking in and out of his mouth. Suddenly self conscious, the little dragon slammed his hands over his snout. Whiffs of smoke began to seep through his claws, causing Spike to cough as he’d just shut off all escape routes for the smoke.
Stan just laughed. “Heh. You look silly.” Once he was done with one side, he raised his other hind leg and began to scratch behind the other ear. “Ahhhh,” he sighed contently.
“Me? You’re supposed to act like a pony, not a dog! Twilight said to keep a low profile.” He glanced around. Most ponies were, thankfully, too caught up in their own lives to care what was going on. If they only knew how much danger they were in, Spike thought. “That means not drawing attention to yourself.”
“Kid, you’re the only lizard in a town full of candy-colored horses. If anyone stands out it’s you.”
“I…” Spike paused to reconsider. “Well, okay. You got me there. But don’t call them horses. That’s an entirely different race.”
Stan’s eyes bulged. “There are races here?”
“Of course there are.” Spike counted down with his talons. “There’s ponies, griffons, dragons, zebras, horses, diamond dogs, yaks,”
“My God!” Stan exclaimed. “Roger could be any one of them!”
“What’s God?” Spike asked.
But Stan didn’t hear him. He began to look around sharply. “This place is a veritable buffet of masquerades.”
“Did I hear some pony say masquerade?” A melodic voice said as the door to the boutique swung open. Rarity followed Twilight as they exited the shop. The elegant white unicorn stepped gracefully towards the two males, her eyes widened at the sight of the one sitting next to her Spikey-Wikey.
“Rarity,” Twilight began, “This is my cousin from out of town. Way, WAY out of town,” she looked at Stan expectantly “uh…”
Luckily Spike was there to cover for her. “Licorice Funk.”
Twilight mouthed the words to him. Spike shrugged as if saying, “What?”
“I see. A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Funk.”
“Please,” Stan held out his “hoof.” “Call me Licorice. Or Lic for short.”
Spike slapped his forehead while Twilight gagged.
“Yes…Licorice. Let’s stick to that.” Rarity took his offer of a shake and gasped when Stan pulled her in close, studying her. “C-Can I help you?” Rarity quivered.
“Just…making sure.” His eyes narrowed, Stan looked her up and down, making Rarity very uncomfortable.
“T-Twilight?” Rarity said as she desperately tried to pry herself from Stan’s grip.
“Sorry, Rarity. You see Cousin Funk is here because he’s looking for some pony. Some pony strange.”
“Has he checked the mirror?”
“No he’s—please let her go, Licorice—he’s looking for a pony from his home town. Apparently he owes my cousin money and Licorice has come to collect.”
Stan was eyeballing Rarity, scrutinizing her the way a scientist would a new strain of virus underneath a magnifying glass. Satisfied that Rarity was who she said she was, he released her. “You’re not him,” he said.
“I should think not, sir. For I,” Rarity stepped back, “am a mare!”
“Yes you are.” Looking at Twilight he said, “She’s kosher.”
“I’m what?” Rarity asked Twilight.
“He means you’re fine. Listen Rarity, the reason we came here is because you have a discerning eye.”
“Not that discerning,” Spike muttered. How is it that his beloved unicorn couldn’t see through Stan’s disguise? Granted she’d never seen a human before but come on! The guy’s a fraud.
“Ponies come to the boutique all the time,” Twilight continued. “Ponies you’ve known all your life. Have any of them been acting strange lately?”
“This is Ponyville, darling,” Rarity boasted. “Strange is always in style.”
“Granted. But humor me.”
“Hmm.” Rarity scratched her chin. “Now that you mention it, Rainbow was here the other day.”
“That’s strange enough,” Twilight admitted. “Go on.”
“She was asking me some odd questions, like whether or not leather was in this season.”
“Anything else?” Twilight asked.
“She was looking for Sweetie Belle. She wanted to ask him about Apple Bloom’s new colt-friend, Tender Taps, was it? Yes. Though what interest a grown mare would have for a colt that age is beyond me.”
“Maybe she likes him.”
Both unicorns—current and former—gasped at Stan’s proclamation. “Now see here, Licorice. That kind of suggestive humor may be acceptable where you’re from, but here in Ponyville we would never, ever condone such vulgarity.”
“How old are you?”
Rarity’s jaw dropped. “Huh?”
“What? I asked, how old are you?”
“Cousin Funk,” Twilight said. “That’s very rude.”
“I’m curious. You all try to act mature but you sound like a bunch of teenagers.”
Spike grinned. “Technically,”
“I think it’s time we moved on. Thank you, Rarity. Licorice, Spike, let’s go!” Twilight encased the two in a magic bubble and levitated them away.
Still flabbergasted, Rarity watched them go. “How old am I indeed!” Slowly, she raised a hoof to her face and began feeling for wrinkles. “Oh dear.” The mare rushed back inside her boutique, shutting the door behind her.
“Well that was a bust,” Twilight said as she trotted away, the boys in tow within the magically-created bubble. “At least this proves that Agent Smith’s true form is invisible to other ponies. I figured if any pony could see through him it would be Rarity.” Glancing back, she saw Spike and Stan having a heated conversation. “There has to be some kind of magic involved that I’m not seeing. Maybe my visits to the human world have shielded me from whatever power is protecting Stan Smith. If he’s impervious to pony eyes, then this Roger’s as good as a ghost to us.”
Narrowing her eyes, Twilight’s ears flattened against her head. “No. We have to find him. We will find him.” She picked up the pace, the bubble following like an obedient pet.
“You know it’s rude to ask a girl her age no matter what species she is, right?” Spike asked Stan as they were carried along in Twilight’s bubble. When Twilight spread her wings to take flight, the bubble pursued, the princess making a bee-line for the edge of town where a certain cyan pegasus claimed her abode.
“I work for the C.I.A. It’s my job to ask questions.” Sitting against the inner wall of the bubble, Stan crossed his legs beneath him in Indian style. Spike was sitting the same way. It’s odd that despite their extreme cultural differences, they were both anatomically similar when compared to ponies.
“But did you have to go say it like that? Don’t they teach you tact in that agency of yours? You have to be subtle when you’re trying to find things out that no pony wants you to know. Otherwise they might catch on.”
Stan crossed his arms. “Kid, I’ve professionally interrogated religious extremists, foreign radicals, and pizza delivery boys—twenty minutes or less my ass,” he said offhandedly, “I think I know a thing or two about learning someone’s secrets.”
Spike grinned. “And yet some how this Roger guy keeps eluding you.”
“Watch it, Barney, you’re not that cute and cuddly that I won’t bitch-smack you inside this bubble.”
Spike stood up. “Oh yeah?”
Stan got up. “Yeah.”
“If you two don’t shut up, I’m turning this bubble around and going home!” Twilight yelled. “Honestly, grow up. Both of you.”
“He started it!” The opposing parties said at once.
“I don’t care who started what?” Twilight said as she came in for a landing before Rainbow’s estate. “I want you two on your best behavior. “Next to Pinkie Pie, Rainbow’s the worst at keeping secrets.” She glared at Stan. “If she learns there’s a human in Equestria she’ll probably dare you to a hoof wrestle, win, and then boast to every pony about it.”
Twilight knocked on the door. After a few moments, it opened. “Hey, Twilight?” Rainbow stepped out. “Whatcha doing in my neck of the clouds?” Rainbow reclined against the the doorframe, looking cool as ever.
“Hey, Rainbow. My cousin, Licorice Funk, has come to town looking for a friend of his.”
“He’s no friend of mine,” Stan muttered.
“You’re always watching Ponyville from the skies, have you noticed any ponies acting out of the ordinary?”
Rainbow thought a minute. “Nope. Every pony’s pretty much as strange as they usually are.”
“Has anyone ever tried having sexual intercourse with you?”
Were it not for her magic, or the bubble, Twilight and Spike would have fallen right through the clouds in embarrassment. Stuttering, Twilight lunged around. “Agent Sm…er…Licorice! That was uncalled for!”
“What is wrong with you?” Spike snapped. “Why I oughta…”
Rainbow’s laughter cut everyone off. “Well. This guy’s upfront. I like him.” Rainbow moved to stand in front of the bubble. “So tell me, Twilight’s cousin, why are you so interested in my love life?”
“Look, this guy we’re looking for, this pony, is known for being sexually aggressive. He’s not above hitting on the first piece of tail he sees, and your tail would definitely draw attention.”
Rainbow blushed slightly. “Uh…thanks?”
Has anyone offered lewd suggestions or just plain man-handled you?”
“Man-handled?” Rainbow said. “What’s a man?”
Twilight quickly placed herself between them, sweating bullets. “Heh-heh. Oh cousin, Licorice, you and your quaint un-Equestrian idioms. I’m sure you’re aware that Rainbow has never heard of that strange word you and my oh-so-distant relations love to use in that unspecified town of yours.”
“Where’s that?” Rainbow asked.
“Nowhere really.” Twilight turned to her. “And don’t look for it on any map. It’s really small…and backward,” she shot a death glare back at Stan.
Rainbow Dash took a step backward. “O-kay.” She looked at Stan. You still didn’t answer my question. Why do you care who I sleep with?”
Even trapped within the bubble, Stan Sith projected an air of authority which he now used to interrogate the wily pegasus mare. “Yesterday, did you or did you not inquire as to the whereabouts of a certain underage colt named Tender Taps while purveying the Carousel Boutique for a leather attire which I can only assume is to fulfill some pedophilic encounter with said colt?”
Rainbow’s jaw quite literally hit the cloud. Twilight looked mortified. Spike was just plain speechless.
Oblivious or uncaring, Stan went on. “Tell me Rainbow Dash, if that is your name, what do you think of licorice?”
“T-The food or…you?”
“Answer the question!” Stan snapped. The bubble popped. Stan and Spike vanished beneath the cloud, leaving a blushing Rainbow looking at Twilight for answers.
“What the hay was that all about, Twilight?”
“I am so sorry! My cousin can get a bit…insistent at times. I promise I’ll have a talk,”
“Not that!” Rainbow spat. “You just let him plummet to his death! I wanted him alive so I could kill him myself!”
“Oh,” Twilight said. “So…you’re not having an inappropriate relationship with an underage colt?”
“Of course not! I don’t even know what Tender Strips,”
“Taps.”
“Yeah him. I don’t know what he looks like. I was just asking about him because I wanted to know where he took his dancing lessons.”
Twilight’s eyebrow went up. “Why?”
Realizing she’d said too much, Rainbow looked away. “None of your business. And shouldn’t you be rescuing Spike by now? My house isn’t that far off the ground, you know.”
“Oh, right!” Twilight took off, disappearing beyond the edge of the cloud.
“What? Do they think I can’t get a full-grown stallion or something?” Rainbow turned back to her house. “I’m a sexy bitch!” She said as she slammed the door shut.
Meanwhile, Twilight quickly caught up to Stan and Spike, catching them mere inches above the ground with an anti-gravity spell. “Sorry, Spike,” Twilight said. To Stan she growled, “You are a jerk! I am taking you back to the palace and locking you up in a dungeon!”
“Uh, Twilight. The palace doesn’t have a dungeon.”
“Then find the coldest, darkest room you can find,” she told Spike, “and keep him locked up until I find Roger.”
“You can’t!” Stan pleaded. “I’m the only one knows him for who he is. You’ll never find him without my help!”
“I’m willing to take my chances.”
“Don’t you see?” Stan grunted as Twilight released him from the spell. The princess and the dragon landed a few feet from him, both offering him the darkest of stares. Wiping himself off, Stan got on his two feet. “Look, Roger is a pervert. You remember when I called him a fey, pansexual, alcoholic alien? I meant every word of it. Not only does he drink incessantly and make Andy Dick look masculine, he is constantly seeking sexual favors from everyone he meets.”
“What does this have to do with asking absurd questions?” Twilight asked.
“Because Roger will try to bang every pony in this town. It’s who he is.” Stan narrowed his eyes. “Now that I think about it, have either of you been the victim of lewd sexual advances in the past few days.”
“Of course not! Spike?”
The dragon sighed. “No.” He kicked at the ground. “Be a nice change of pace.”
“I…” Pausing, Twilight glanced at Spike sideways before turning her attention back to Stan. “I don’t think humiliating my friends is the best way to track down Roger. If he’s as libidinous as you say he is, then we just need to track down the horniest pony in town.” Twilight blinked. “I can’t believe I just said that.”
“So,” Stan said, “who’s the horniest pony in Ponyville?”
Ponies on the whole were a conservative race, coupling only with their significant others and during marriage. This is not to say there weren’t exceptions, but in a town this small a pony trying to mount every piece of tail he says would draw a lot of attention. Try as they might, neither Spike nor Twilight could think of a pony who would fit the portfolio.
“Wait,” Spike said, “You said Roger’s an alcoholic too right? We’ve got plenty of those in Ponyville.”
“Since when?” Twilight asked.
“Look, ponies like to drink after a hard day’s work. And there’s one pony who works harder than all the rest.”
The princess’ eyes widened. “You’re not suggesting,”
“She sells hard cider all the time. She’s got to have a list of her favorite customers. Maybe that will help us narrow down the list.”
Try as she might, Twilight couldn’t argue with Spike’s logic. “I guess.”
“So who are we talking about here?” Stan asked.
“Next stop,” Twilight said, “Sweet Apple Acres.”
Author's Note
Wow! This story is garnering a lot of attention. Certainly a lot more lewd dialogue on the part of our CIA agent man. Maybe I should add a sex tag on the front page....for suggestive themes and nothing else...maybe nothing else. No sex. Maybe.
