Cutthroat Kitchen comes to Canterlotby Coyotek4ChaptersThe InvitationA Bob-tacular EscortRound 1Round 2Round 3Final Thoughts / EpilogueThe InvitationAuthor's Note To the uninitiated, this is my homage to Alton Brown and one of my favorite TV shows. I hope you enjoy. The Invitation On a chilly afternoon in mid-February, five ponies and a small dragon discuss the day’s events. A sixth pony rushes in, excited as usual. “HE’S COMING TO CANTERLOT! HE’S COMING TO CANTERLOT!” Pinkie’s friends have long gotten used to her barreling into the Map Room in the Castle of Friendship, so none bat an eyelash at her sudden entrance. “That’s wonderful news,” Fluttershy responds. “Um … who’s coming to Canterlot?” “Only the greatest, funniest chef in all of Equestria! Almond Brownie!” “The Almond Brownie?” Twilight’s query spurs more looks of surprise. “You’ve heard of this guy?” “He’s a legend, Applejack. He wrote the book ‘Good Oats’, and turned it into a traveling show. It looks like he’s making an appearance in our area. Maybe Princess Celestia can get us tickets.” “Don’t worry about me,” Rainbow Dash states while yawning. “It’s a cooking show. That’s, like, 10 percent of a typical day’s awesome, if that. The rest of you enjoy this ‘Cashew’ guy.” “Don’t be so quick to dismiss Almond, Rainbow. He’s got an incredible wit to match his culinary expertise—“ Twilight’s retort is interrupted by Spike’s belching out a letter from Canterlot. “Hey now, I wonder what this is about.” Twilight silently reads through the letter as her friends look on. “Oh my goodness,” she finally utters. “This is incredible! Spike, can you send a response?” “You know I can,” Spike answers, parchment and quill already in hand. “That’s my Spike! OK, take this down: ‘Dear Princess Celestia: My friends would be honored to accommodate Almond Brownie’s wishes; we shall arrive in Canterlot by tomorrow evening. Forever your faithful student, Princess Twilight.’ ” Spike finishes writing the response and sends it on its way back to Canterlot. The other ponies stare at Twilight in puzzlement. Applejack is the first to break the silence: “Mind tellin’ us what you just signed off on ‘your friends’ to do?” Twilight blushes. “Oh my, I’m so sorry, I just got caught up in the whole thing … but I promise, you’re all going to love this!” “Whatever are you talking about?” Rarity asks. Before Twilight can respond, Rainbow Dash flies up behind Twilight and snatches Celestia’s letter from its levitation-induced holding pattern. She then reads the message aloud: “My dear Princess Twilight: as you may have recently heard, legendary chef Almond Brownie is visiting Canterlot for the week. He is seeking out four competitors for a new cooking competition, and asked me for names of interested ponies; I immediately thought of your friends. If they are interested in participating, and possibly winning some extra bits along the way, please respond at your earliest convenience. I hope to see you all soon. Sincerely, Princess Celestia.” Reactions among the other ponies run the gamut: Pinkie starts screaming in excitement while cartwheeling all around the room, while Fluttershy cowers in place, trembling in fear. Rarity is the first to voice her thoughts. “Wait a minute. Did you just sign all of us up for a cooking competition without even asking if we were interested?” “That really ain’t right, Twi,” Applejack echoes. “Oh come on, you gloomy Gusses,” Pinkie counters. “This is an opportunity of a lifetime! A chance to cook for the great Almond Brownie? This is gonna be the most INCREDIBLE COOKING EXPERIENCE EVER!!!” “I don’t know,” Fluttershy meekly responds. “Competition? As in, winners and losers? I’d hate to see anypony’s feelings get hurt over something as trivial as a cook-off.” Rarity snorts derisively; the others turn to her in surprise. “What in the hay was that for?” “Oh Applejack, I just think some ponies have a greater thirst for competition than they let on …” Rarity turns to Fluttershy. “… or have you forgotten our game of Catan last month?” “What? But … that was just a game among friends.” “Well apparently, this is destined to be the same. And the more I think about it, the more I think that I can win any sort of cuisine competition between us.” “Now hang on there, missy. You may be the reigning queen of fashion in Ponyville, but I reckon my down-home cooking is the best around. I just don’t feel the need to brag about it to everypony.” Rarity turns back to Applejack with a sneer-smile. “Really. You think your simple vittles would stand a chance in a cooking competition against one who is well-versed in all things high-class?” Applejack sneer-smiles Rarity back. “I don’t think so; I know so.” “Hold on, everypony, hold on,” Pinkie insists. “… you guys played Shetlands of Catan last month and I wasn’t invited?” “Well you and Applejack were out of town, dear. And the weather that night was absolutely dreadful; it was simply a way to occupy our time.” “Maybe, Rarity. Maybe … or maybe, you were all afraid that ‘crazy’ Pinkie Pie would make you all look silly! Well you’re not gonna be able to keep me out of this battle!” “Pinkie Pie, dear, this is a competition that encompasses all types of cuisine. Just because you might be a local cake boss doesn’t mean you can handle formal appetizers or main courses.” “Excuse me? You think ‘party planning’ is only about desserts? I’ll match you course-for-course; just you wait.” “Just you wait, Pinkie Pie. I’m takin’ that title!” Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie all stare each other down, while Twilight rereads Celestia’s original message. “Well, looks like we got three interested parties … but according to this, we need one more.” “No problem,” Rainbow affirms. “If it’s a competition, then count me in.” “Um, Rainbow Dash?” Fluttershy asks, turning to her pegasus counterpart. “Do you even know how to cook?” “What? Of course I do. I mean, I don’t spend as much time in the kitchen as the rest of you, but I’m sure I can hold my own.” “Well, I’m only asking because, you know, I’m a pretty good cook myself, so …” Rainbow Dash grins broadly. “Oh! I see! Miss ‘no hurt feelings’ wants in on this after all. Rarity is right: you do have a taste for competition.” Fluttershy shakes her head. “No, it’s nothing like that. I’m just trying to step a little more out of my comfort zone, and I think facing off against friends, rather than total strangers, is a good way to proceed.” The others all nod in agreement. “Well I, for one, look forward to cooking against you.” “As do I, Fluttershy dear.” “Me three!” “Thank you all for your support. You know, I’m really looking forward to this now. Well, I guess we all need to prepare for the morning train to Canterlot. May the best pony win.” “I fully intend to, Fluttershy.” “In your dreams, Rarity.” “In both your dreams, Applejack.” Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie continue to argue the point as they all head out of the room; Fluttershy silently follows them out the door. “Don’t feel that you have to come, Rainbow Dash. I know you’re not a big fan of cooking and such.” “Are you kidding? A chance to see those four go head-to-head? I wouldn’t miss this for the world! I just hope I have enough popcorn to last the competition.” A Bob-tacular EscortLate-afternoon: a train pulls into Canterlot station, and a contingent of similarly-clad unicorns is there to greet the Mane Six. They all bow in reverence before the Princess of Friendship, causing Twilight to blush. “My lady, we’ve been expecting your presence,” one member of the group asserts. “We are here to escort you and your friends to the competition area.” “Well thank you all very much, uh …” “Call me Bob.” The Mane Six all look at each other in mild confusion. “That’s an interesting name,” Twilight remarks. “It’s just a moniker, my lady.” “Please, just call me Twilight. So, who are all these unicorns?” “Well, that’s Bob. And that’s Bob, Bob, and Bob. Oh, and that gentlecolt at the end is Bob.” “Wait a minute,” Rainbow insists, “how are we supposed to identify you if you’re all named ‘Bob’? Couldn’t you at least have a number, like ‘Bob 1’ and ‘Bob 2’?” “What kind of pony would affix a number to the end of his name? That just sounds stupid.” “Riiiight.” Rainbow decides it best not to belabor the issue. “The princess … er, ‘Twilight’ … and Rainbow Dash should come with me; the competitors will follow the rest of the group.” Twilight turns to her four competing friends. “Guess this is goodbye for now. See you at the cook-off.” Twilight hugs each of her friends, then she and Rainbow hop into a cab pulled by the lead Bob. He rides off towards Princess Celestia’s castle. “It’s too bad that Spike couldn’t join us.” “Actually, Spike saw this as another opportunity to get paid off in gems for pet-sitting. And he’s only got five pets to watch this time, since Tank is still hibernating.” A tear starts to form in Rainbow’s eye. Twilight quickly apologizes. “No, that’s OK, I’m getting used to it. I gotta say, though, I never looked forward to Winter Wrap-Up as much as I do now.” “I’m very glad to hear that. So what do you think we can expect from this competition?” “You’re asking me? You’re the one who’s read ‘Good Oats’; you know more about this Almond Brownie guy than I do.” “Not by much; I’ve never met Almond ‘in pony’. But wow, it’s got to be an honor to cook in his preference.” A loud guffaw from their driver catches the two friends by surprise. “What’s so funny?” Twilight asks. “Sorry, I just thought you knew how this was going to go down. I take it none of your friends know, either.” “Know what?” Rainbow asks. This causes further laughter from Bob. “Oh, they’re gonna be in for some fun surprises. Even more fun for you two, I think.” Twilight turns to her friend. “What do you think Bob means by that?” “I don’t know,” Rainbow replies, “but I’m starting to regret not bringing more popcorn.” … Two cabs pull up to the main entrance to Princess Celestia’s castle, and the four competitors are escorted by the Bobs into the main foyer. “Oh, I never tire of visiting this castle. And that throne room; certainly the most elegant location in all of Equestria.” “I hate to disappoint you Rarity, but it looks like we’re not seeing the throne room on this visit.” Applejack notes that the Bobs are escorting them to a side staircase, descending into the depths of the castle. “Oh … I don’t believe we’ve ever been down those stairs before. I wonder what’s down there.” Fluttershy starts to shiver. “Oooh … I hope it’s not ghosts, or mummies, or zombies.” “This is a cooking competition, not Nightmare Night!” A couple Bobs laugh at Applejack’s comment. “Uh, what do these fellas know that we don’t?” “Coordination?” Rarity offers, noting how all the Bobs are wearing the same outfits. “Hey, maybe they’re like the oompa-loompas from that one book about the chocolate factory.” A chilling thought then pops into Pinkie’s head. “Uh oh … do you think we’re destined to be removed from the competition in outrageously horrific fashion, one by one.” “Pinkie Pie, dear, I think your imagination is getting the best of you.” The further chuckling from the Bobs gives Rarity pause. “Well, I hope your imagination is getting the best of you.” The contingent heads down the staircase, then down a hallway, then down another staircase; this latter staircase leads to a makeshift kitchen and pantry. Four prep stations, each with a wire basket nearby, are laid out in a row, with ovens behind them and numerous pans and cooking utensils along the walls. A large, rectangular table adorns the front of the room, with a dumbwaiter behind the table. To the left of the desk lies a pantry stocked with all sorts of assorted foods: produce, spices, and basic ingredients of cooking. Finally, to the relief of the foursome, Twilight and Rainbow sit in an area cordoned off by velvet ropes. “OK, each of you to a prep station. Almond will be arriving shortly.” All the Bobs scatter to the edges of the area, some levitating pencils and pads of paper, ready to take notes. Pinkie walks over to the left-most station, followed by Rarity and Applejack, leaving Fluttershy to occupy the right-most station. Rarity is less than impressed with the setting: “Somehow, I expected a more regal affair. This place feels like a dungeon … or a prison.” Fluttershy begins to shiver. Applejack attempts to reassure her: “Relax, Fluttershy. This is supposed to be a friendly competition; there’s no way Twilight would allow us to undergo torture or anything …” she then turns to Twilight: “… right?” Twilight turns to Rainbow Dash and whispers, “What have I done?” Before Rainbow can answer, both detect hoofsteps. One of the Bobs speaks up: “OK everyponies, good luck … you’re gonna need it!” Round 1A grey unicorn descends the staircase, levitating a briefcase behind him. Pinkie cannot contain her emotion upon seeing the legendary chef ‘in pony’ for the first time. “OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD, ALMOND BROWNIE!!!” The unicorn smiles broadly at Pinkie and the others. “I see my reputation has preceded me. Ladies, I have heard much of your exploits from Princess Celestia, and I am honored to have the four of you be the first to participate in this unique competition. As you can see, we have many scribes along the sidelines to record what transpires here for my new book … ‘Cutthroat Kitchen’.” “I’m sorry,” Rarity admits, “did you say ‘Cutthroat Kitchen’?” “Oooo, are we gonna be pirates? Are we gonna have to walk the plank and sing sea shanties and raise the Jolly Roger?” “Not today,” Almond replies, “but I like how you think, Pinkie.” Applejack turns to Rarity. “What the hay did Twilight sign us up for?” Almond grins. “Oh, I guess you weren’t given more ‘specific’ details regarding how this competition would play out.” The four friends all shake their heads in unison. “Excellent. Then without further ado,” and he proceeds to explain the rules of the competition: “Welcome, my little victims, to the Cutthroat Kitchen arena. The four of you will compete in a series of three rounds. In each round, you will be asked to prepare a particular dish; you will shop for your ingredients in the pantry over yonder, and then we’re going to have a little auction. Of course, we can’t have an auction without money, so I brought along one-hundred-thousand bits.” Almond opens his briefcase, crammed with stacks of 100-bit coins, and levitates the money into four large piles of equal amounts onto each competitor’s table. All four ponies are in complete awe at the amount of bits in front of them. “Goodness, I’ve never seen so many bits before.” “Well don’t get too used to all that currency, Fluttershy, because most of those bits are coming right back to this briefcase. Now this is important: only one of you will win this competition, and that pony will only leave with the bits you have remaining.” Twilight turns to Rainbow Dash. “Almond must be crazy! They’re all friends; why would any of them spend any bits? No matter who wins, that’s twenty-five thousand bits for all of us!” “You’d think that,” Rainbow responds, “but if there’s one thing I know, it’s the thrill of competition. And the adrenaline that comes with that thrill can cause ponies to do crazy things.” “One last thing before I forget.” Almond addresses Rarity specifically: “Due to the nature of this competition, I must ask that you refrain from using any magic for the duration of this challenge.” “If I must, I must. Very well; I agree to those terms, Almond.” “Excellent. OK ponies: for your first course, I want you to make … apple salad.” Applejack chuckles. “Shoot; salad ain’t nothin’, and apples are my livelihood.” “Well if you feel that strongly, Applejack, you should have no trouble shopping for ingredients, which you can do for exactly sixty seconds, and which you can start doing NOW!” Pinkie grabs her basket and immediately runs to the pantry; the others are momentarily caught off-guard, but quickly grab their own baskets and follow Pinkie. Twilight and Rainbow look on as the four grab various ingredients and fight for space. “Looks like Fluttershy is struggling with getting ingredients,” Rainbow mentions to Twilight.” “Yeah, what’s with the rest of our friends?” “Ponies, you have 30 seconds.” “Can you see what they’re grabbing?” “Sorry Dash; it’s all a blur to me.” “10 … 9 … 8 … 7 … 6 …” Applejack bursts out the pantry, basket in mouth, with Rarity trailing close behind. Pinkie pronks out of the pantry, basket bouncing on her back but perfectly balanced. “… 3 … 2 … 1, and …” Almond slams the pantry door, with Fluttershy still grabbing ingredients. Upon noticing that the door is closed, Fluttershy walks over and begins knocking. “Uh … mister Brownie, sir? Can I come out now?” Almond opens the door and addresses the timid pegasus: “Sorry, but for failing to shop for your groceries in the allotted time, I must now confiscate one of your ingredients.” “Oh … okay then.” Almond peers into Fluttershy’s basket, which only contains a head of lettuce, a couple Granny Smith apples, and a cherry. “Goodness, Fluttershy, why is your basket so empty?” “I’m sorry. I’m just not used to shopping for food under those kinds of conditions. All that pushing and shoving; it was all just so much to deal with.” “Well, I have to take something, so …” Almond proceeds to grab the cherry from Fluttershy’s basket. Fluttershy nods her head in acceptance and heads back to her prep station. “OK then,” Almond says with a grin, “now that you all have your ingredients, let’s see if we can’t make this round a bit more interesting.” He walks over to the dumbwaiter and gives it a couple knocks; the door opens to reveal a miniature bowl. All the competitors, as well and Twilight and Rainbow, look on in bewilderment. Almond levitates the bowl to the table and addresses the chefs: “Since salads are often made in a bowl, I thought it’d be interesting if the chefs were forced to do the same. Bring it in, Bobs.” A group of assistants haul in a pony-sized lazy susan, on top of which lies a humungous bowl, with three prep stations affixed to the inside edges. “What the hay is that thing?” “Why your new working environment, Applejack … or at least, it might be. It’s time for our first auction, with all bids in increments of one hundred bits. The winner of this auction can force all three of her opponents to spend the entire challenge working in this bowl-shaped carousel. If the dizziness doesn’t get to you, the centripetal force just might. Let’s start the bidding at five hundred bits.” “This is crazy!” Twilight observes to Rainbow. “Crazy awesome!” Rainbow replies, excited at what’s to come. “But these are our friends. Why would anypony want to inflict something like this on—“ “Five hundred bits!” Applejack turns to Rarity. “What are you doin’?” “Better you than me. I can’t be expected to create gourmet cuisine riding on that bemusement ride, can I?” “Well let’s find out. One thousand bits!” “Twelve hundred!” “Fifteen!” Applejack and Rarity continue to one-up each other, while Pinkie bounces in anticipation and Fluttershy simply sighs in resignation. “Five thousand bits!” “I got a bid of five thousand bits from Rarity, do I hear fifty-one hundred?” Applejack scowls at Rarity but says no more. “Five thousand bits going once, five thousand going twice, and SOLD for five thousand bits.” Almond levitates one-fifth of Rarity’s bit stack back to his briefcase, as the baskets and cutlery from the other ponies are transferred to the large bowl. “OK, time for our next items up for bids.” Almond walks back to the dumbwaiter and knocks again; this time, the door opens to reveal a pie, a cake, and a loaf of bread. He levitates all three items over to the table. “Apples are so versatile; they can be used in just about anything. We have here an apple pie, an apple cake, and a loaf of apple bread; now all of these items are, of course, delicious BUT it might be harder to get the apples out of these items.” “But why would anypony have to get apples out of those finished goods?” “Good question, Rarity, and one that requires a good answer: win this auction, and you can confiscate each of your opponents entire supply of apples, and force each one to get whatever apples or, perhaps, apple-flavoring that they can from one of these selections. You, of course, would get to choose who works with what.” “But … how am I supposed to create an apple salad using a cake?” “Let’s find out Rarity: two thousand bits!” Rarity death-glares Applejack. “Twenty-five hundred!” “Three thousand!” For the second-straight auction, Applejack and Rarity square off. Bidding gets to five, then six, then seven thousand bits. Pinkie and Fluttershy stare on in silence. “The high bid is now eighty-five hundred bits; do I hear eighty-six? Eighty-five hundred going once, going twice, and SOLD to Applejack for eight-thousand five-hundred bits. I’ll take your money while you decide who works with what.” “Ooo, ooo, can I have the cake?” “Sorry Pinkie,” Applejack replies, “but that cake has got Rarity’s name all over it. You can have the loaf of bread.” “Awww, but that’s so plain.” “And that leaves the pie for Fluttershy.” “Well, maybe I can get more flavor from the pie than I could from just two apples and a head of lettuce.” While Rarity ponders how she’s supposed to deal with all the icing and cake, the others are escorted into the bowl. Twilight and Rainbow Dash just look at each other in bewilderment. “I heard that Almond was a bit of an eccentric, but this is just lunacy.” “I know … and I’m running out of popcorn!” “OK chefs, you got 30 minutes to create apple salad, and your time begins … NOW!” The bowl begins to spin; gradually, the ingredients move towards the sides of the wall. Soon, the ponies find themselves stuck to the wall, all the while attempting to grab and work with their ingredients. Applejack struggles to find her footing while organizing all her ingredients into a cluster that won’t roll away; she also fights off the dizziness resulting from all the spinning. “This is intolerable! Ain’t nopony that could work in this kind of environment!” “WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!” Applejack strains her neck to see Pinkie thoroughly enjoying the experience. She then strains her neck in the other direction, only to see Fluttershy calmly working at trying to get the apples out of her pie. “Fluttershy! How the hay can you work under these conditions?” “I’ve been inside a hurricane, Applejack! This is nothing compared to that!” Realizing that she may be the only pony severely affected by the bowl, Applejack refocuses on creating her salad. Nearby, Pinkie talks out her thought process. “I mean, this is just a loaf. A loaf. Where’s the fun in that? Maybe I can use the bread as a crumb topping, and combine those with everything else I got out of that pantry. Yeah, I can make this work. You are so clever, Pinkie, you know that? Yes you are!” Outside the bowl, Rarity scrapes off as much icing as possible in an attempt to extract the apple flavoring from inside the cake. “High-class cuisine with a cake for apples,” she mutters to herself. “Well, at least I still have all my other ingredients. I’ll show Applejack how an artiste handles adversity.” As Twilight and Rainbow watch the proceedings unfold, each is utterly fixated by the action to notice that company has arrived. “I hope I didn’t miss much.” The two turn around to see Princess Celestia settle in to her seat. “Princess Celestia! I didn’t expect you to be here.” “Are you kidding? Once Almond told me how this was going to unfold, I just had to watch. Pity I had to miss the first auctions, though.” “Wait a minute. You knew about how this was going to play out?” “Well of course, Twilight; why else would I ask your friends to participate? Oh, I see the bowl got used in the first round.” “I don’t believe this! You used my friends as guinea pigs for this warped competition?” Rainbow Dash interrupts Twilight’s protest. “Princess Celestia … got any popcorn? I’m already out.” “I brought plenty!” Celestia breaks out an economy-sized bag, fills a bowl and passes it to Rainbow. The two munch on their snacks as the proceedings continue. “Chefs, you got 10 minutes remaining in this round!” Inside the bowl, Applejack’s efforts to slice the apples result in shards of apple shrapnel scattered around her third of the wall, along with all her other ingredients. Pinkie fares better at balancing her preparation within the rotor, adding various nuts and other fruits to her creation. Fluttershy also deals with the velocity well, still focusing on striking a balance between too much and too little syrupy residue from the pie-filling apples. Outside the bowl, Rarity begins the finishing touches on her salad, still scraping away whatever remaining remnants of buttercream that she can. With two minute remaining, the bowl slows down; it comes to a complete rest with a minute left. All four ponies rush to put the finishing touches on their salads, as Almond counts down the final seconds. “10 … 9 … 8 … 7 … 6 … 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … and, stop what you’re doing, step away from the plates!” After Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy leave the bowl with their salads, three Bobs enter the arena and cart it away, while two other Bobs clean up the remnants of the pie, cake, and bread loaf that went unused. Soon, all four ponies end up in front of their original prep stations, along with their salad creations. A tan earth pony with little remaining of his mane descends the stairs, soon joining Almond at the table. Almond warmly greets this pony. “Cinnamon, how are you doing today?” Cinnamon responds in a Trottingham accent: “I’m doing well, Almond, thank you for asking.” He then turns to the competitors: “Ladies, I must echo the thoughts of Mr. Brownie here when I say that it is an absolute honor to be here today.” Almond addresses the foursome: “Chefs, allow me to introduce you to your guest judge for tonight, Mr. Cinnamon MaJumbo. If you are unfamiliar with his work, know that he is a renowned food critic and author, and also that his polo game needs work.” Cinnamon turns to Almond. “And what would you know about any game beyond ‘pin the tail on the pony’?” Almond chuckles with Cinnamon before continuing: “Now Cinnamon here has been upstairs in a soundproof chamber. He knows nothing about whatever hardships you may have gone through, and quite frankly, he doesn’t care. He only cares about three things; tell ‘em the three things, polo-pony!” “Does it look good? Does it taste good? Does it remind me of an apple salad?” “Let’s find out. We’ll start with the filly on the right.” Almond and Cinnamon walk over to Fluttershy’s station. “So Fluttershy, please explain your dish.” “Well, I have a salad with lettuce, apples, and a bit of syrup for extra flavor.” Fluttershy strains to avoid eye contact with Cinnamon while explaining, as the judge tastes her dish. “Chef, this really is a bare-bones salad, and I must admit that your idea for a dressing is avant-garde to say the least. That said, I do like the sweetness you brought to this dish. I just wish there was more to it.” “Thank you Cinnamon.” Almond and Cinnamon move on to Applejack’s dish. “Applejack, you’re up.” “Cinnamon, I prepared for you a traditional apple salad, with romaine lettuce, three types of apples, tomatoes, carrots, and croutons.” Cinnamon inspects Applejack’s salad before tasting. “You seem to have had some difficulty slicing the apples. They look more like apple confetti.” He then samples her food. “What you lack in presentation, you more than make up for in taste. I love the mix of apples and vegetables, and I like the added texture that the croutons provide. Overall, a solid job.” “Thank you very much.” Applejack turns to Rarity and smiles. Rarity gulps silently as the twosome move on to her dish. “Rarity, please describe your creation.” “Yes, well here I have created for you a festive apple salad with iceberg lettuce, pecans, walnuts, goat cheese shavings, a little buttercream for extra sweetness, and a vinaigrette dressing.” Applejack fights to not burst out laughing, as Cinnamon tries the salad. “I must admit, I’ve never seen buttercream in a salad before. Having said that, there’s a lot going on here, with a lot of different flavors; most of them work, but some don’t. Not sure I would have gone with both pecans and walnuts. The biggest quibble I have is, I’m not getting enough actual apple flavor in this.” “Thank you,” Rarity says sadly. She turns back to Applejack and death-glares her, while Almond and Cinnamon move on to Pinkie’s dish. “Pinkie Pie, it’s your turn. Please describe your dish.” “Well it’s a round, flat dish, made of fine china, and with food on it.” Almond reiterates his request: “I mean, please describe your salad.” “OH! Well, I made for you an apple salad with two types of lettuce, tomatoes, artichokes, parmesan cheese, and whipped cream.” Twilight turns to Rainbow. “Pinkie Pie used whipped cream on her salad?” “Are you really surprised by that?” Twilight sighs. “I guess not.” Cinnamon tastes Pinkie’s salad. “You do like to have fun with your food, I can see that. I do like the pairing of tomatoes and artichokes, and I’m fine with your use of cheese. I don’t think whipped cream is particularly appropriate here, and I must say again, I’m not really getting enough apple flavor out of this dish.” “Okie-dokey.” Almond and Cinnamon walk back towards their table. “OK Cinnamon, you’ve had a chance to taste these fillies’ apple salads. Sadly, for one of these ponies, their ‘salad days’ must come to an end.” Cinnamon faces the foursome. “Chefs, those were some of the strangest salads I’ve ever had the fortune to taste. I really like a lot of what I’ve tried, but I do have to eliminate one of you, and that one is going to be …” … “… Fluttershy.” The pegasus bows her head in acceptance, as Cinnamon continues. “Chef, I really did like the flavor of your dish, but I thought it was just too simple. Even something like a cherry on top could have swung my decision.” “I’m sorry Fluttershy, but that means I have to take back all your bits.” Almond levitates Fluttershy’s stack of twenty-five thousand bits back to his briefcase. “You can join your friends on the sidelines and watch the rest of the competition. Thank you for playing.” “Thank you both.” Fluttershy walks over to Twilight and Rainbow and takes a seat next to the latter. “Well that was interesting.” “Fluttershy, I must apologize to you for getting you into this mess.” “Apologize? Oh, no Twilight, this was actually a lot of fun.” “… You’re kidding, right?” “Not at all. I was given an opportunity to step out of my comfort zone and face a challenge head-on. I’ll have these memories for a long time, thanks to you. And to you, Princess Celestia.” “Would you like some popcorn?” “Yes, thank you.” Twilight hoofpalms as the others continue to chow down on snacks and watch the next round unfold. Author's Note Of all the regular judges on CTK, my favorite is Simon Majumdar; the character Cinnamon is my take on him. Round 2“OK, after one round of play, I see that Pinkie Pie still has all of her initial stack of twenty-five thousand bits, Rarity has twenty thousand bits, and Applejack has sixteen thousand five hundred bits. Now that Cinnamon is back upstairs, we can proceed to Round Two. For this round, you will have 30 minutes to create … pizza.” “Yum! Who doesn’t love pizza? The cheese, the sauce, the crust … it’s perfection!” “Well I see Pinkie is enthusiastic about this round. Now let’s see how fast you can shop for supplies. You have 60 seconds, and your time begins NOW!” This time around, nopony is caught off-guard; all three scramble to the pantry, grabbing all sorts of cheeses, sauces, and dough-making ingredients. “I don’t understand,” Fluttershy remarks, “how is pizza considered hi-class cuisine?” “How is preparing food in a turbine considered cuisine?” “Rainbow’s right, Fluttershy. This really isn’t about creating top-of-the-line food. This is about survival.” “I don’t know,” Celestia comments, “Applejack’s salad did look rather fancy. Perhaps we should include her recipe for the next Gala.” “Got enough turbines for the chefs?” Rainbow Dash and Celestia share a laugh, as the remaining competitors grab the last of their ingredients. “… 5 … 4 … … 3-2-1” Almond recites upon noticing that all three had already exited the pantry. “Oh no!” Pinkie exclaims as she expresses great concern and agitation. “Pinkie Pie, whatever is the matter?” “Oh Rarity, it’s awful … I forgot to grab eggs!” “There’s no sabotage like a self-sabotage, eh Pinkie? Well, let’s see if you can’t even the odds a bit, shall we?” Almond walks over to the dumbwaiter and knocks; it reveals a length of rope. “Now most pizzas, of course, are round. For two of you, the notion of getting ‘around’ is about to be more meaningful. Bobs!” Two assistants walk out towards the front of the table in a circular manner, as if they were dancing. The left-front hoof of each is tied to the left-rear hoof of the other. “Win this auction, and you can force both of your opponents to spend the entire challenge bound to each other as illustrated by my assistants. Obviously, you’ll have to get used to walking around the kitchen in circles.” “Sorry girls, but Pinkie likes to work alone. Five hundred bits!” “Eight hundred!” “One thousand! All three ponies actively participate in the auction, as the bidding climbs above six-, eight-, even ten-thousand. Finally, two ponies go silent in dreadful anticipation. “I got a bid of eleven-thousand five-hundred going once, going twice, SOLD to Pinkie Pie!” “Looks like AJ and Rarity are gonna have to work together on this one,” Twilight comments to Rainbow.” “I’m sure the Power of Friendship will carry them through …” Rainbow Dash suddenly bursts out laughing. “Sorry, *chuckle*, couldn’t say that with a straight face.” After Almond levitates the requisite amount of bits from Pinkie’s stash, he walks back over to the dumbwaiter and knocks; it opens to reveal a cream pie. “I’m sure you’re all familiar with the term ‘pizza pie’; well, this sabotage will certainly make one chef tire of that expression. Bring it in, Bobs!” A pair of assistants wheel in a humungous cream pie, as large as the pony bowl from the previous round. Pinkie starts salivating. “Win this auction, and you can force one chef to forfeit her entire basket, and find new ingredients hidden within this cream pie.” Rarity turns to Applejack. “We can’t get hit with this one, it would set us both back.” “Agreed. Two thousand bits!” “Five thousand!” “Seventy-five hundred!” Pinkie and Applejack see-saw their bids, until … “Twelve thousand bits going once, going twice, and SOLD to Applejack. Who gets the pie?” “Let’s have Pinkie Pie get this pie.” “Oh cool, I was trying to give it to myself anyway. Makes up for forgetting the eggs.” “SAY WHAT???” Applejack is shocked to hear Pinkie admit this; she then mutters at the amount of bits she spent in the process. Almond removes almost three-quarters of Applejack’s stack of bits and returns said coins to his briefcase. “I must say, I’ve had quite enough of that dastardly dumbwaiter!” Rarity admits. “Well if it makes you feel better,” Almond reassures, “you have my word that you will not see anything else come out of that dumbwaiter tonight.” An assistant ties Rarity’s left-front hoof to Applejack’s left-rear hoof, and vice versa. Once they are firmly tied together, Almond continues. “OK, the challenge is pizza: you have 30 minutes, starting NOW!” Applejack and Rarity start spinning around counter-clockwise, as Pinkie dives into the large cream pie, eating her way through to the ingredients. “Rarity, we need to coordinate on this. One of us should work on getting the pizza created and put in the oven while the other waits, and then we switch.” “Agreed. You want to go first?” “Sure thing!” Applejacks starts combining ingredients to form her dough. With one flail from her left-front hoof, Rarity loses her balance and crashes head-first onto the ground; Applejack is pulled down with her. “Applejack, please be more careful.” “My bad, Rarity.” The two ponies struggle to get back on their hooves, but soon Applejack is back to mixing while Rarity waits patiently. Pinkie, to her credit, tosses out numerous bags of ingredients as she comes across them while eating through the pie. Within five minutes, only scant remains of cream can be found in the oversized pie tin. She begins to take inventory. “Let’s see: tomatoes, ricotta cheese, flour, yeast, oil … where’re the … uh oh!” Almond walks over to Pinkie. “Did you find the eggs?” “Yeah … I think I ate them in the process of going through the pie.” “Pinkie, those eggs were wrapped in a plastic bag. They were raw!” “I was hungry!” Almond shrugs and leaves Pinkie to figure out a plan of attack. Soon, she’s combining ingredients and working on her dough. Meanwhile, Applejack is adding fresh-sliced cherry tomatoes to the top of her pizza. As she grabs for shredded cheese, Rarity loses her balance again, causing Applejack to slip and instinctively fling her cheese across the kitchen while she tries to maintain her balance. “Aw, horsefeathers! Guess this is gonna be a cheeseless pizza now.” Applejack starts adding assorted toppings to her pizza as the audience observes. “How do you think Applejack is going to explain the lack of cheese to Cinnamon,” Fluttershy asks. “It would help if she were better at lying,” Rainbow answers. “As in, ever.” “Applejack is a resourceful pony,” Twilight assures her friends. “I’m sure she’ll think of something. As the three converse, Applejack carefully walks over to an oven with her pizza, circling her partner the whole way. She gets her pizza in the oven as Almond states, “Ponies, you got 15 minutes remaining!” “Done. OK Rarity, your turn.” Rarity walks over to her station, also circling around as she moves, and begins her preparations. Just then … “Chefs!” Rarity and Pinkie look up from their work, while Applejack strains her neck to look before her. They see Almond wearing what appears to be a large turtle shell. “Whenever I think of pizza, I think of turtles. Win this auction, and you can force one opponent to wear this heavy turtle shell for the rest of the challenge!” Rarity protests: “What do turtles have anything to do with pizza?” “Maybe they’re teenage turtles,” Pinkie posits, “teenagers love pizza! Or maybe they’re mutants, with strange appetites.” “Oh of course. While you’re at it, maybe they’re ninja warriors as well!” “Now who’s being silly, Rarity! Oh yeah: two thousand bits!” “Oh no you don’t, Pinkie Pie! three thousand!” “FIVE thousand!” “EIGHT!” The bidding goes back and forth, escalating far beyond the ten-thousand bid level. Finally … “SOLD for an astounding fifteen-thousand, five hundred bits to Rarity!” “Give it to Pinkie, Almond!” An assistant helps Pinkie put on the large turtle shell; she strains to continue her work under the heavy costume. “Have you ever fed pizza to Tank?” Twilight asks. “He’s a tortoise,” Rainbow responds, “but no.” Rarity reaches for a can of tomato sauce, but in doing so causes Applejack to lose her balance; she ends up swiping at the can instead, causing it to spill onto the floor. “Oh, for the love of … I suppose this is a white pizza, now.” “Time for Rarity to be resourceful now,” Rainbow mentions to Twilight. “So we got one pizza without any sauce, one pizza without any cheese, and one pizza with a dough with no eggs. I’m glad I’m not the judge for this round.” “I think I’m glad I’m on the sidelines for this one,” Fluttershy adds. Rarity gets her pizza in the oven, and Applejack then proceeds to take hers out; all the while, they move around each other. “It’s like a waltz,” Celestia observes. Twilight turns behind her. “Princess Celestia: with all due respect, please tell me you’re not getting more ideas for the next Gala!” Pinkie finally gets her pizza in the oven, setting the temperature to an above-average level to speed up the process. She hears Almond state that there are only five minutes remaining in the round, and starts to bounce in nervous apprehension. “C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, cook faster!” Minutes later, Rarity gets her pizza out of the oven. Almond notes that she and Applejack are done, and has his assistants mercifully unbind them from each other. Finally, with twenty seconds to go, Pinkie gets her pizza out of the oven and proceeds to add finishing touches as Almond counts down. “5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … and STOP!” A pair of assistants help Pinkie out of her turtle shell, while another assistant hands her a towel to wipe away the sweat. Soon, all three chefs are at their stations, with their pizzas in front of them. Cinnamon once again descends the stairwell and joins Almond. “So Cinnamon, how do you feel about pizza?” “Who doesn’t like pizza? It’s one of the most ubiquitous foods in existence.” “Well, let’s see how you feel about these three. Let’s take a walk, shall we?” The first pizza Cinnamon samples is from Applejack. “I made for you a dairy-free garden pizza, with fresh tomatoes, green and black olives, and basil.” “When I think of pizza, I think of that gooey cheese on the top. I do miss that, but I acknowledge that there are those who cannot enjoy such a version. The crust is made very well, and I do like the fresh tomatoes as a change of pace.” “Thank you, Cinnamon.” Almond beckons his companion over to Rarity’s station. “I created a white pizza, with four types of cheese, onions, and various spices.” Cinnamon takes a bite before commenting. “This really is dry; it barely qualifies as a pizza without the sauce, but I do like the mixture of cheeses you used. The crust is solid, and I’m OK with using onions, but again, you really need some sort of sauce here.” “Understood, sir.” The last pizza belongs to Pinkie: “I created a traditional pizza, with tomato sauce and a thick layer of ricotta cheese.” Cinnamon attempts to pick up a slice, but the integrity of the slice gives way, creating a mess on the plate. “It looks like you had trouble with your crust. It’s missing a binding agent, and that’s causing the pizza to become a red-and-yellow stain on the plate.” He licks at the resulting porridge before continuing: “That’s a shame, because everything else is what I would expect from a traditional pizza. You just had problems with the execution, I’m afraid.” “Yes, chef,” Pinkie acknowledges dejectedly. Almond and Cinnamon return to the table. “So you know how this works, Cinnamon; I got three ponies here but only two spots for the final round. Which pony is getting sliced out of the competition?” Cinnamon addresses the threesome: “Well you all seemed to have an issue with one major factor of the pizza, but you all had good flavors. I have to eliminate one of you, and that one is …” … “… Pinkie Pie.” “Oh, nutter-butters.” “Chef, I just couldn’t overlook the issues you had with your crust.” “Sorry Pinkie, but that means I have to take back the rest of your bits.” Almond levitates the remaining amount of Pinkie’s bankroll back into his briefcase, as Pinkie joins her friends on the sidelines. “You were wonderful out there, Pinkie Pie,” Celestia soothingly assures Pinkie.” “Yeah, I mean with everything you had to go through? That was totally awesome!” “Thanks everypony. It’s just a shame I didn’t make it to the dessert round.” “How do you know the final round is dessert?” Fluttershy asks. “Just a hunch. We had an appetizer round, then a main course round; it makes sense that the final round would be for dessert. Owie!” “Pinkie Pie, are you OK?” “Yeah, Twilight. I think that turtle shell may have been a bit more than I was prepared for.” “Pinkie Pie,” Celestia offers, “If you head upstairs, the castle has certified massage therapists that can help get the kinks out of your back and body. They’re very good, and very efficient.” “Well, I don’t want to miss the final round.” “Almond,” Celestia asks, “could we have a break before the final round so that Pinkie Pie can get some massage therapy?” “I don’t see why not. How do you two feel about it?” Rarity and Applejack gladly accept getting a break after the previous round. “Thank you all.” Celestia turns to Pinkie. “A quick series of two or three massage periods should set you right. Shouldn’t be more than twenty minutes, total.” “That’s great!” Pinkie begins pronking towards the stairwell, but another crick causes another ‘owie’, and she resorts to walking up the stairs. She turns to the others before heading up. “Thanks for waiting, everypony. I’ll be right back after these massages!” Round 3“And then there were two. Applejack and Rarity each still has four-thousand five-hundred bits, so this should be an interesting round. For the final round, I would like from each of you … a baked tart.” “What kind of tart did you have in mind?” “Any type you can think of, Applejack, so long as it’s a tart and it’s baked. Once you’re done with the shopping, you can proceed directly to creating your dessert. As before, you’ll have 30 minutes to create your dish; also as before, you have 60 seconds to shop for your dish, and that time starts NOW!” Rarity and Applejack bolt for the pantry, each grabbing various fruits and other ingredients. “Looks like this round is a pure test of cooking,” Twilight observes. She hears Princess Celestia chuckle from behind, rolls her eyes, and shakes her head in anticipation. “You have 30 seconds left to shop …” but shortly thereafter, the two remaining participants rush out of the pantry and begin work on their tarts. “No matter who wins, we’re talking forty-five hundred bits,” Rainbow observes. “I’ve never seen so much money before. Twilight disagrees: “I get a feeling you may not see it now, Rainbow. Look!” “Hey chefs!” Rarity and Applejack look up from their work, only to see Almond’s head and hooves sticking out of holes in a painted wall; the artwork is of a ‘queen of hearts’ playing card. “This can’t be good,” Applejack deadpans. “You can’t spell ‘tart’ without ‘art’; win this auction, and you can force your opponent to prepare her entire dish while sticking her head and hooves through this piece of artistic work.” “One thousand bits,” Rarity bids. “No way, little miss fashionista: twelve-hundred!” “Fifteen!” “Two thousand!” “Three thousand!” … Back and forth the bidding goes, until … “I got forty-three hundred from Rarity going once, forty-three hundred going twice, and SOLD! Bobs, if you could kindly move this artwork towards the earth pony.” Applejack grumbles as she sticks her head and appendages through the holes in the artwork. “How am I supposed to get anythin’ done like this?” “You’ll just have to make it work, AJ. And I must say, it’s very stimulating to view fine art while one is cooking.” Rarity chuckles as she continues creating her dessert. Twilight turns to her friends. “No offense to Rarity, but I hope that Applejack finds a way to win now. Think of how much good can be done with over four thousand bits.” “Yo, chefs!” Almond indicates four tar-covered horseshoes on the table. “You can’t spell ‘tart’ without ‘tar’, either. Win this auction, and you can force your opponent to wear these tar-lined shoes for the remainder of the challenge. That might slow somepony up.” “Well, I’m still pulling for Applejack. She only needs to bid two hundred bits to guarantee that—” “FORTY-FOUR HUNDRED BITS!” Twilight double-hoofpalms in utter frustration. Rainbow offers insight: “Adrenaline isn’t something you can just turn on and off. In the heat of the moment, ponies can do strange things. Strange, and maaaaybe costly things.” “I guess all that’s left now is bragging rights,” Fluttershy comments as a pair of assistants affix the tar shoes to Rarity’s hooves. “Yep. Whose tart will prevail? The one made by a pony working through a wall, or the one walking from station to station in super-slow-motion? Hey, you ponies finished all the popcorn!” “Sorry Pinkie; all gone.” “Awww.” Applejack continues to navigate the small holes in the wall as she attempt to complete her dessert, while Rarity struggles to move from her prep station to the oven area. “I can barely move in these things!” “Guess you’ll just have to figure out a solution and make it ‘stick’.” Applejack turns back to her tart, which looks unbalanced and sloppy but is ready to be baked. She pulls her head and hooves out of the artwork, grabs her dish, walks over to the oven and pops it in for a few minutes; Rarity continues to struggle making it over to that area. “You’ve got 10 minutes left in this challenge!” A few minutes after Almond’s warning, Applejack pulls her tart out of the oven and brings it back to her prep station for finishing touches. With five minutes remaining, Rarity finally makes it to the ovens. She sets the temperature to a higher level to speed the process up, but proceeds to char her tart. She pulls it out of the oven and, with superpony effort, trudges her way back to her prep station. Both Rarity and Applejack work to finish their dishes. “5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … and STOP!” Both ponies collapse to the ground in exhaustion, as assistants come to undo Rarity’s tar shoes and cart away the artwall. After a spell, both Rarity and Applejack get back on their hooves and present themselves in front of their dishes. Cinnamon MaJumbo descends the stairwell for one last round of judging. “So Cinnamon, how do you feel about baked tarts?” “I’ve always been partial to fruit-based desserts, and I very much look forward to seeing what these two have come up with.” The two walk over to Applejack’s dish, which she explains as Cinnamon takes a bite. “I made for you a mixed berry tart, with strawberries, blueberries, and raspberries, all infused with a lemon custard.” “Visually, it’s not particularly put together well. It looks like the fruit was just flung all over the place. The crust itself is also asymmetric in nature. However, the flavors are all there, you got just the right amount of sugar and custard, and it tastes really good. Thank you, Applejack.” Cinnamon next inspects and then samples Rarity’s dessert. “I prepared for you a blackberry and mint tart, with a banana custard.” “I see a little char on the bottom of this tart; it looks like you’ve burned it a bit. That’s unfortunate, because otherwise, this tart is visually superb. The flavors work well together, I do like the banana custard, but the consistency’s been compromised due to the uneven cook. That said, this was a solid effort, Rarity.” “OK Cinnamon, the moment of truth has arrived. Which pony’s gonna leave here with some bits, and which pony’s gonna just … leave?” Cinnamon addresses the twosome: “This was a really difficult decision, because both of you had great aspects of your dish, and both of you had technical issues. I do have to select a winner, and the winning pony is …” … “… Applejack.” “YEEE-HAAA!!!” Applejack celebrates her victory, while Cinnamon consoles Rarity. “It was really close, but in the end, the slight burn on your tart was the difference. But again, great job!” “Thank you, Cinnamon. And thank you, Almond, for a most invigorating adventure in cooking.” Pinkie and Fluttershy both come out to thank Cinnamon and Almond for their experiences. The latter two bow to Princess Celestia, who reciprocates in kind. “Thank you again for traveling to Canterlot and exhibiting this most unique cooking experience. And thank you, my loyal subjects, for participating in this affair.” “We should do it again sometime!” “Well, maybe not for a while Pinkie Pie,” Almond replies, “but I assure you that the events of this evening will be written up for posterity. I’ll make sure that all of your get your own autographed copy of ‘Cutthroat Kitchen’; I’ll even put a Jolly Roger on the cover of your copy.” Pinkie beams. Almond, meanwhile, walks over to Twilight and Rainbow. “So what did you two think?” “I gotta say,” Twilight starts, “for a cooking competition, this was—“ “TOTALLY AND ABSOLUTELY THE MOST AWESOME COOKING SHOW I’VE EVER SEEN!!!” Rainbow interrupts. Almond blushes. “You flatter me, Rainbow Dash. Just how many cooking shows have you ever seen?” “Including this one? Then I guess, uh … one. But it was still awesome!” “Well thank you again for your enthusiasm. The next time I’m in town, I’ll be sure you and all your friends get tickets to my show.” “Wow … I never thought I’d look forward to a traveling cooking show. You’ve sold me, Almond.” Rainbow walks over to her friends and Cinnamon, leaving Almond a free moment with Twilight. Final Thoughts / Epilogue“You have some incredible friends, Princess Twilight. You are very fortunate.” “I know. Not a day goes by that I don’t count my blessings for knowing them.” Almond, for the first time since he made his entrance, shows a serious side. “During the competition, I couldn’t help but notice that you looked disturbed at what was going on. I have heard much from Princess Celestia about you, and I’ve heard that you’re a big fan of mine. I value your opinion greatly, and I would like you to be honest. What did you really think about this competition?” Twilight rolls her eyes backwards, trying to think of the right words, then resumes eye contact. “I know from your writing that you have an incredible wit and humorous nature to match your culinary expertise. I just thought that a cooking competition should showcase more of the true skill that chefs across Equestria have. My friends went through all sorts of ordeals; they never really had the chance to shine.” “I understand perfectly, Twilight. And the fact of the matter is, I have the utmost respect for cooking in general, and especially for great cooking talent. I’ve been to numerous cooking displays and competitions, presented in the vein that you envision. They’re exceptional, they’re top-notch … but for me personally, they’re also a bit boring. I think some of the greatest cooks in all of Equestria take their profession too seriously, as if the fate of the world rode on whether or not they could create a perfect risotto or vegan chili.” “I’ll admit this: I never thought I’d see someone like Rainbow Dash be interested in a cooking competition.” “And with that new-found interest, she might want to learn more about the subject. And she might spread the word to others who would not normally be interested. Bringing the joy of cooking to the masses; that’s what I’m truly interested in. And if it takes a couple silly devices for that to happen, I’m all for it.” “I can certainly see that. I just wish you could have seen my friends at their best.” “Well, I believe we have a sharp disagreement here. To me, I saw the very best that your friends had to offer … and I’m thoroughly impressed with their poise and determination. In fact, I think a competition like this really does showcase the best that chefs have.” “I don’t quite follow.” “When do we see the best in civilization as a whole? To me, it’s when things are at their darkest. When all hope appears lost. That’s when the great ones really come through, in all aspects of life. Now I’ll grant that there is no true importance in something as trivial as a cooking competition, certainly not when compared to the trials that you and your friends have been through. But I’ll bet that your best moments came during those darkest times. I’ll bet you look back on those times with reverence, as opposed to fear, as you now know you are capable of far more than you ever thought before.” “You certainly make a strong case, Almond Brownie. And it was one of the more entertaining spectacles I’ve ever been a part of. I look forward to seeing you the next time you’re in the area.” “That’s wonderful. I’m very glad to hear that from you. And, I very much appreciate your honesty.” “So, do you think you’ll have another one of these events any time soon?” “I certainly expect to. Now then, I believe Princess Celestia set up a tidy little after-event soiree in the main ballroom. So far as I know, there will be no tying of hooves together for the festivities.” * * * * Conversation runs rampant on the morning train back to Ponyville … “Honestly, Twilight, I don’t know what came over me. Just got caught up in the moment, I guess. Too bad, though; a little more rational thought, and I would’ve walked away with over four thousand bits.” “It wouldn’t have even come to that if I didn’t bid so much for that artwork sabotage. But, as you said, there’s something about the thrill of the moment, I guess.” “Aw, you two fret too much over things like bits,” Pinkie decrees to both Applejack and Rarity. “This was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I had a blast! I think we all had a blast! That’s worth more than any ‘bits’ could pay for, right?” “It was a unique experience,” Fluttershy admits, “but I look forward to watching the next contest entirely from the sidelines.” Twilight adds, “I’m looking forward to receiving Almond’s book, once it’s ready. It’ll be weird to read about our exploits in print.” “It’s just a shame that so few ponies got to watch this.” “Sorry Pinkie, but I can sleep a little better knowing that thousands of ponies from across Equestria won’t have the opportunity to watch me stumble around, tied to Applejack and doing minuet dances across a kitchen floor.” “Well, I’d still love another ride in that mixing bowl.” “Next time Ponyville hosts the water-generating for Cloudsdale, I’ll be sure to throw you into the hurricane.” Rainbow’s crack generates laughs from all ponies, followed by sighs of relaxation. “So Applejack; I know it isn’t much, but got any ideas for how you’re gonna spend that hundred bits?” “Indeed I do, Twilight: I’m takin’ the six of us out to the Truffle Tavern for dinner. Complementary apple salads are on me!” Author's Note I thank you for reading this crossover Fic, and would appreciate any comments or constructive criticism that those who wish would like to offer.
The InvitationAuthor's Note To the uninitiated, this is my homage to Alton Brown and one of my favorite TV shows. I hope you enjoy. The Invitation On a chilly afternoon in mid-February, five ponies and a small dragon discuss the day’s events. A sixth pony rushes in, excited as usual. “HE’S COMING TO CANTERLOT! HE’S COMING TO CANTERLOT!” Pinkie’s friends have long gotten used to her barreling into the Map Room in the Castle of Friendship, so none bat an eyelash at her sudden entrance. “That’s wonderful news,” Fluttershy responds. “Um … who’s coming to Canterlot?” “Only the greatest, funniest chef in all of Equestria! Almond Brownie!” “The Almond Brownie?” Twilight’s query spurs more looks of surprise. “You’ve heard of this guy?” “He’s a legend, Applejack. He wrote the book ‘Good Oats’, and turned it into a traveling show. It looks like he’s making an appearance in our area. Maybe Princess Celestia can get us tickets.” “Don’t worry about me,” Rainbow Dash states while yawning. “It’s a cooking show. That’s, like, 10 percent of a typical day’s awesome, if that. The rest of you enjoy this ‘Cashew’ guy.” “Don’t be so quick to dismiss Almond, Rainbow. He’s got an incredible wit to match his culinary expertise—“ Twilight’s retort is interrupted by Spike’s belching out a letter from Canterlot. “Hey now, I wonder what this is about.” Twilight silently reads through the letter as her friends look on. “Oh my goodness,” she finally utters. “This is incredible! Spike, can you send a response?” “You know I can,” Spike answers, parchment and quill already in hand. “That’s my Spike! OK, take this down: ‘Dear Princess Celestia: My friends would be honored to accommodate Almond Brownie’s wishes; we shall arrive in Canterlot by tomorrow evening. Forever your faithful student, Princess Twilight.’ ” Spike finishes writing the response and sends it on its way back to Canterlot. The other ponies stare at Twilight in puzzlement. Applejack is the first to break the silence: “Mind tellin’ us what you just signed off on ‘your friends’ to do?” Twilight blushes. “Oh my, I’m so sorry, I just got caught up in the whole thing … but I promise, you’re all going to love this!” “Whatever are you talking about?” Rarity asks. Before Twilight can respond, Rainbow Dash flies up behind Twilight and snatches Celestia’s letter from its levitation-induced holding pattern. She then reads the message aloud: “My dear Princess Twilight: as you may have recently heard, legendary chef Almond Brownie is visiting Canterlot for the week. He is seeking out four competitors for a new cooking competition, and asked me for names of interested ponies; I immediately thought of your friends. If they are interested in participating, and possibly winning some extra bits along the way, please respond at your earliest convenience. I hope to see you all soon. Sincerely, Princess Celestia.” Reactions among the other ponies run the gamut: Pinkie starts screaming in excitement while cartwheeling all around the room, while Fluttershy cowers in place, trembling in fear. Rarity is the first to voice her thoughts. “Wait a minute. Did you just sign all of us up for a cooking competition without even asking if we were interested?” “That really ain’t right, Twi,” Applejack echoes. “Oh come on, you gloomy Gusses,” Pinkie counters. “This is an opportunity of a lifetime! A chance to cook for the great Almond Brownie? This is gonna be the most INCREDIBLE COOKING EXPERIENCE EVER!!!” “I don’t know,” Fluttershy meekly responds. “Competition? As in, winners and losers? I’d hate to see anypony’s feelings get hurt over something as trivial as a cook-off.” Rarity snorts derisively; the others turn to her in surprise. “What in the hay was that for?” “Oh Applejack, I just think some ponies have a greater thirst for competition than they let on …” Rarity turns to Fluttershy. “… or have you forgotten our game of Catan last month?” “What? But … that was just a game among friends.” “Well apparently, this is destined to be the same. And the more I think about it, the more I think that I can win any sort of cuisine competition between us.” “Now hang on there, missy. You may be the reigning queen of fashion in Ponyville, but I reckon my down-home cooking is the best around. I just don’t feel the need to brag about it to everypony.” Rarity turns back to Applejack with a sneer-smile. “Really. You think your simple vittles would stand a chance in a cooking competition against one who is well-versed in all things high-class?” Applejack sneer-smiles Rarity back. “I don’t think so; I know so.” “Hold on, everypony, hold on,” Pinkie insists. “… you guys played Shetlands of Catan last month and I wasn’t invited?” “Well you and Applejack were out of town, dear. And the weather that night was absolutely dreadful; it was simply a way to occupy our time.” “Maybe, Rarity. Maybe … or maybe, you were all afraid that ‘crazy’ Pinkie Pie would make you all look silly! Well you’re not gonna be able to keep me out of this battle!” “Pinkie Pie, dear, this is a competition that encompasses all types of cuisine. Just because you might be a local cake boss doesn’t mean you can handle formal appetizers or main courses.” “Excuse me? You think ‘party planning’ is only about desserts? I’ll match you course-for-course; just you wait.” “Just you wait, Pinkie Pie. I’m takin’ that title!” Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie all stare each other down, while Twilight rereads Celestia’s original message. “Well, looks like we got three interested parties … but according to this, we need one more.” “No problem,” Rainbow affirms. “If it’s a competition, then count me in.” “Um, Rainbow Dash?” Fluttershy asks, turning to her pegasus counterpart. “Do you even know how to cook?” “What? Of course I do. I mean, I don’t spend as much time in the kitchen as the rest of you, but I’m sure I can hold my own.” “Well, I’m only asking because, you know, I’m a pretty good cook myself, so …” Rainbow Dash grins broadly. “Oh! I see! Miss ‘no hurt feelings’ wants in on this after all. Rarity is right: you do have a taste for competition.” Fluttershy shakes her head. “No, it’s nothing like that. I’m just trying to step a little more out of my comfort zone, and I think facing off against friends, rather than total strangers, is a good way to proceed.” The others all nod in agreement. “Well I, for one, look forward to cooking against you.” “As do I, Fluttershy dear.” “Me three!” “Thank you all for your support. You know, I’m really looking forward to this now. Well, I guess we all need to prepare for the morning train to Canterlot. May the best pony win.” “I fully intend to, Fluttershy.” “In your dreams, Rarity.” “In both your dreams, Applejack.” Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie continue to argue the point as they all head out of the room; Fluttershy silently follows them out the door. “Don’t feel that you have to come, Rainbow Dash. I know you’re not a big fan of cooking and such.” “Are you kidding? A chance to see those four go head-to-head? I wouldn’t miss this for the world! I just hope I have enough popcorn to last the competition.”
A Bob-tacular EscortLate-afternoon: a train pulls into Canterlot station, and a contingent of similarly-clad unicorns is there to greet the Mane Six. They all bow in reverence before the Princess of Friendship, causing Twilight to blush. “My lady, we’ve been expecting your presence,” one member of the group asserts. “We are here to escort you and your friends to the competition area.” “Well thank you all very much, uh …” “Call me Bob.” The Mane Six all look at each other in mild confusion. “That’s an interesting name,” Twilight remarks. “It’s just a moniker, my lady.” “Please, just call me Twilight. So, who are all these unicorns?” “Well, that’s Bob. And that’s Bob, Bob, and Bob. Oh, and that gentlecolt at the end is Bob.” “Wait a minute,” Rainbow insists, “how are we supposed to identify you if you’re all named ‘Bob’? Couldn’t you at least have a number, like ‘Bob 1’ and ‘Bob 2’?” “What kind of pony would affix a number to the end of his name? That just sounds stupid.” “Riiiight.” Rainbow decides it best not to belabor the issue. “The princess … er, ‘Twilight’ … and Rainbow Dash should come with me; the competitors will follow the rest of the group.” Twilight turns to her four competing friends. “Guess this is goodbye for now. See you at the cook-off.” Twilight hugs each of her friends, then she and Rainbow hop into a cab pulled by the lead Bob. He rides off towards Princess Celestia’s castle. “It’s too bad that Spike couldn’t join us.” “Actually, Spike saw this as another opportunity to get paid off in gems for pet-sitting. And he’s only got five pets to watch this time, since Tank is still hibernating.” A tear starts to form in Rainbow’s eye. Twilight quickly apologizes. “No, that’s OK, I’m getting used to it. I gotta say, though, I never looked forward to Winter Wrap-Up as much as I do now.” “I’m very glad to hear that. So what do you think we can expect from this competition?” “You’re asking me? You’re the one who’s read ‘Good Oats’; you know more about this Almond Brownie guy than I do.” “Not by much; I’ve never met Almond ‘in pony’. But wow, it’s got to be an honor to cook in his preference.” A loud guffaw from their driver catches the two friends by surprise. “What’s so funny?” Twilight asks. “Sorry, I just thought you knew how this was going to go down. I take it none of your friends know, either.” “Know what?” Rainbow asks. This causes further laughter from Bob. “Oh, they’re gonna be in for some fun surprises. Even more fun for you two, I think.” Twilight turns to her friend. “What do you think Bob means by that?” “I don’t know,” Rainbow replies, “but I’m starting to regret not bringing more popcorn.” … Two cabs pull up to the main entrance to Princess Celestia’s castle, and the four competitors are escorted by the Bobs into the main foyer. “Oh, I never tire of visiting this castle. And that throne room; certainly the most elegant location in all of Equestria.” “I hate to disappoint you Rarity, but it looks like we’re not seeing the throne room on this visit.” Applejack notes that the Bobs are escorting them to a side staircase, descending into the depths of the castle. “Oh … I don’t believe we’ve ever been down those stairs before. I wonder what’s down there.” Fluttershy starts to shiver. “Oooh … I hope it’s not ghosts, or mummies, or zombies.” “This is a cooking competition, not Nightmare Night!” A couple Bobs laugh at Applejack’s comment. “Uh, what do these fellas know that we don’t?” “Coordination?” Rarity offers, noting how all the Bobs are wearing the same outfits. “Hey, maybe they’re like the oompa-loompas from that one book about the chocolate factory.” A chilling thought then pops into Pinkie’s head. “Uh oh … do you think we’re destined to be removed from the competition in outrageously horrific fashion, one by one.” “Pinkie Pie, dear, I think your imagination is getting the best of you.” The further chuckling from the Bobs gives Rarity pause. “Well, I hope your imagination is getting the best of you.” The contingent heads down the staircase, then down a hallway, then down another staircase; this latter staircase leads to a makeshift kitchen and pantry. Four prep stations, each with a wire basket nearby, are laid out in a row, with ovens behind them and numerous pans and cooking utensils along the walls. A large, rectangular table adorns the front of the room, with a dumbwaiter behind the table. To the left of the desk lies a pantry stocked with all sorts of assorted foods: produce, spices, and basic ingredients of cooking. Finally, to the relief of the foursome, Twilight and Rainbow sit in an area cordoned off by velvet ropes. “OK, each of you to a prep station. Almond will be arriving shortly.” All the Bobs scatter to the edges of the area, some levitating pencils and pads of paper, ready to take notes. Pinkie walks over to the left-most station, followed by Rarity and Applejack, leaving Fluttershy to occupy the right-most station. Rarity is less than impressed with the setting: “Somehow, I expected a more regal affair. This place feels like a dungeon … or a prison.” Fluttershy begins to shiver. Applejack attempts to reassure her: “Relax, Fluttershy. This is supposed to be a friendly competition; there’s no way Twilight would allow us to undergo torture or anything …” she then turns to Twilight: “… right?” Twilight turns to Rainbow Dash and whispers, “What have I done?” Before Rainbow can answer, both detect hoofsteps. One of the Bobs speaks up: “OK everyponies, good luck … you’re gonna need it!”
Round 1A grey unicorn descends the staircase, levitating a briefcase behind him. Pinkie cannot contain her emotion upon seeing the legendary chef ‘in pony’ for the first time. “OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD, ALMOND BROWNIE!!!” The unicorn smiles broadly at Pinkie and the others. “I see my reputation has preceded me. Ladies, I have heard much of your exploits from Princess Celestia, and I am honored to have the four of you be the first to participate in this unique competition. As you can see, we have many scribes along the sidelines to record what transpires here for my new book … ‘Cutthroat Kitchen’.” “I’m sorry,” Rarity admits, “did you say ‘Cutthroat Kitchen’?” “Oooo, are we gonna be pirates? Are we gonna have to walk the plank and sing sea shanties and raise the Jolly Roger?” “Not today,” Almond replies, “but I like how you think, Pinkie.” Applejack turns to Rarity. “What the hay did Twilight sign us up for?” Almond grins. “Oh, I guess you weren’t given more ‘specific’ details regarding how this competition would play out.” The four friends all shake their heads in unison. “Excellent. Then without further ado,” and he proceeds to explain the rules of the competition: “Welcome, my little victims, to the Cutthroat Kitchen arena. The four of you will compete in a series of three rounds. In each round, you will be asked to prepare a particular dish; you will shop for your ingredients in the pantry over yonder, and then we’re going to have a little auction. Of course, we can’t have an auction without money, so I brought along one-hundred-thousand bits.” Almond opens his briefcase, crammed with stacks of 100-bit coins, and levitates the money into four large piles of equal amounts onto each competitor’s table. All four ponies are in complete awe at the amount of bits in front of them. “Goodness, I’ve never seen so many bits before.” “Well don’t get too used to all that currency, Fluttershy, because most of those bits are coming right back to this briefcase. Now this is important: only one of you will win this competition, and that pony will only leave with the bits you have remaining.” Twilight turns to Rainbow Dash. “Almond must be crazy! They’re all friends; why would any of them spend any bits? No matter who wins, that’s twenty-five thousand bits for all of us!” “You’d think that,” Rainbow responds, “but if there’s one thing I know, it’s the thrill of competition. And the adrenaline that comes with that thrill can cause ponies to do crazy things.” “One last thing before I forget.” Almond addresses Rarity specifically: “Due to the nature of this competition, I must ask that you refrain from using any magic for the duration of this challenge.” “If I must, I must. Very well; I agree to those terms, Almond.” “Excellent. OK ponies: for your first course, I want you to make … apple salad.” Applejack chuckles. “Shoot; salad ain’t nothin’, and apples are my livelihood.” “Well if you feel that strongly, Applejack, you should have no trouble shopping for ingredients, which you can do for exactly sixty seconds, and which you can start doing NOW!” Pinkie grabs her basket and immediately runs to the pantry; the others are momentarily caught off-guard, but quickly grab their own baskets and follow Pinkie. Twilight and Rainbow look on as the four grab various ingredients and fight for space. “Looks like Fluttershy is struggling with getting ingredients,” Rainbow mentions to Twilight.” “Yeah, what’s with the rest of our friends?” “Ponies, you have 30 seconds.” “Can you see what they’re grabbing?” “Sorry Dash; it’s all a blur to me.” “10 … 9 … 8 … 7 … 6 …” Applejack bursts out the pantry, basket in mouth, with Rarity trailing close behind. Pinkie pronks out of the pantry, basket bouncing on her back but perfectly balanced. “… 3 … 2 … 1, and …” Almond slams the pantry door, with Fluttershy still grabbing ingredients. Upon noticing that the door is closed, Fluttershy walks over and begins knocking. “Uh … mister Brownie, sir? Can I come out now?” Almond opens the door and addresses the timid pegasus: “Sorry, but for failing to shop for your groceries in the allotted time, I must now confiscate one of your ingredients.” “Oh … okay then.” Almond peers into Fluttershy’s basket, which only contains a head of lettuce, a couple Granny Smith apples, and a cherry. “Goodness, Fluttershy, why is your basket so empty?” “I’m sorry. I’m just not used to shopping for food under those kinds of conditions. All that pushing and shoving; it was all just so much to deal with.” “Well, I have to take something, so …” Almond proceeds to grab the cherry from Fluttershy’s basket. Fluttershy nods her head in acceptance and heads back to her prep station. “OK then,” Almond says with a grin, “now that you all have your ingredients, let’s see if we can’t make this round a bit more interesting.” He walks over to the dumbwaiter and gives it a couple knocks; the door opens to reveal a miniature bowl. All the competitors, as well and Twilight and Rainbow, look on in bewilderment. Almond levitates the bowl to the table and addresses the chefs: “Since salads are often made in a bowl, I thought it’d be interesting if the chefs were forced to do the same. Bring it in, Bobs.” A group of assistants haul in a pony-sized lazy susan, on top of which lies a humungous bowl, with three prep stations affixed to the inside edges. “What the hay is that thing?” “Why your new working environment, Applejack … or at least, it might be. It’s time for our first auction, with all bids in increments of one hundred bits. The winner of this auction can force all three of her opponents to spend the entire challenge working in this bowl-shaped carousel. If the dizziness doesn’t get to you, the centripetal force just might. Let’s start the bidding at five hundred bits.” “This is crazy!” Twilight observes to Rainbow. “Crazy awesome!” Rainbow replies, excited at what’s to come. “But these are our friends. Why would anypony want to inflict something like this on—“ “Five hundred bits!” Applejack turns to Rarity. “What are you doin’?” “Better you than me. I can’t be expected to create gourmet cuisine riding on that bemusement ride, can I?” “Well let’s find out. One thousand bits!” “Twelve hundred!” “Fifteen!” Applejack and Rarity continue to one-up each other, while Pinkie bounces in anticipation and Fluttershy simply sighs in resignation. “Five thousand bits!” “I got a bid of five thousand bits from Rarity, do I hear fifty-one hundred?” Applejack scowls at Rarity but says no more. “Five thousand bits going once, five thousand going twice, and SOLD for five thousand bits.” Almond levitates one-fifth of Rarity’s bit stack back to his briefcase, as the baskets and cutlery from the other ponies are transferred to the large bowl. “OK, time for our next items up for bids.” Almond walks back to the dumbwaiter and knocks again; this time, the door opens to reveal a pie, a cake, and a loaf of bread. He levitates all three items over to the table. “Apples are so versatile; they can be used in just about anything. We have here an apple pie, an apple cake, and a loaf of apple bread; now all of these items are, of course, delicious BUT it might be harder to get the apples out of these items.” “But why would anypony have to get apples out of those finished goods?” “Good question, Rarity, and one that requires a good answer: win this auction, and you can confiscate each of your opponents entire supply of apples, and force each one to get whatever apples or, perhaps, apple-flavoring that they can from one of these selections. You, of course, would get to choose who works with what.” “But … how am I supposed to create an apple salad using a cake?” “Let’s find out Rarity: two thousand bits!” Rarity death-glares Applejack. “Twenty-five hundred!” “Three thousand!” For the second-straight auction, Applejack and Rarity square off. Bidding gets to five, then six, then seven thousand bits. Pinkie and Fluttershy stare on in silence. “The high bid is now eighty-five hundred bits; do I hear eighty-six? Eighty-five hundred going once, going twice, and SOLD to Applejack for eight-thousand five-hundred bits. I’ll take your money while you decide who works with what.” “Ooo, ooo, can I have the cake?” “Sorry Pinkie,” Applejack replies, “but that cake has got Rarity’s name all over it. You can have the loaf of bread.” “Awww, but that’s so plain.” “And that leaves the pie for Fluttershy.” “Well, maybe I can get more flavor from the pie than I could from just two apples and a head of lettuce.” While Rarity ponders how she’s supposed to deal with all the icing and cake, the others are escorted into the bowl. Twilight and Rainbow Dash just look at each other in bewilderment. “I heard that Almond was a bit of an eccentric, but this is just lunacy.” “I know … and I’m running out of popcorn!” “OK chefs, you got 30 minutes to create apple salad, and your time begins … NOW!” The bowl begins to spin; gradually, the ingredients move towards the sides of the wall. Soon, the ponies find themselves stuck to the wall, all the while attempting to grab and work with their ingredients. Applejack struggles to find her footing while organizing all her ingredients into a cluster that won’t roll away; she also fights off the dizziness resulting from all the spinning. “This is intolerable! Ain’t nopony that could work in this kind of environment!” “WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!” Applejack strains her neck to see Pinkie thoroughly enjoying the experience. She then strains her neck in the other direction, only to see Fluttershy calmly working at trying to get the apples out of her pie. “Fluttershy! How the hay can you work under these conditions?” “I’ve been inside a hurricane, Applejack! This is nothing compared to that!” Realizing that she may be the only pony severely affected by the bowl, Applejack refocuses on creating her salad. Nearby, Pinkie talks out her thought process. “I mean, this is just a loaf. A loaf. Where’s the fun in that? Maybe I can use the bread as a crumb topping, and combine those with everything else I got out of that pantry. Yeah, I can make this work. You are so clever, Pinkie, you know that? Yes you are!” Outside the bowl, Rarity scrapes off as much icing as possible in an attempt to extract the apple flavoring from inside the cake. “High-class cuisine with a cake for apples,” she mutters to herself. “Well, at least I still have all my other ingredients. I’ll show Applejack how an artiste handles adversity.” As Twilight and Rainbow watch the proceedings unfold, each is utterly fixated by the action to notice that company has arrived. “I hope I didn’t miss much.” The two turn around to see Princess Celestia settle in to her seat. “Princess Celestia! I didn’t expect you to be here.” “Are you kidding? Once Almond told me how this was going to unfold, I just had to watch. Pity I had to miss the first auctions, though.” “Wait a minute. You knew about how this was going to play out?” “Well of course, Twilight; why else would I ask your friends to participate? Oh, I see the bowl got used in the first round.” “I don’t believe this! You used my friends as guinea pigs for this warped competition?” Rainbow Dash interrupts Twilight’s protest. “Princess Celestia … got any popcorn? I’m already out.” “I brought plenty!” Celestia breaks out an economy-sized bag, fills a bowl and passes it to Rainbow. The two munch on their snacks as the proceedings continue. “Chefs, you got 10 minutes remaining in this round!” Inside the bowl, Applejack’s efforts to slice the apples result in shards of apple shrapnel scattered around her third of the wall, along with all her other ingredients. Pinkie fares better at balancing her preparation within the rotor, adding various nuts and other fruits to her creation. Fluttershy also deals with the velocity well, still focusing on striking a balance between too much and too little syrupy residue from the pie-filling apples. Outside the bowl, Rarity begins the finishing touches on her salad, still scraping away whatever remaining remnants of buttercream that she can. With two minute remaining, the bowl slows down; it comes to a complete rest with a minute left. All four ponies rush to put the finishing touches on their salads, as Almond counts down the final seconds. “10 … 9 … 8 … 7 … 6 … 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … and, stop what you’re doing, step away from the plates!” After Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy leave the bowl with their salads, three Bobs enter the arena and cart it away, while two other Bobs clean up the remnants of the pie, cake, and bread loaf that went unused. Soon, all four ponies end up in front of their original prep stations, along with their salad creations. A tan earth pony with little remaining of his mane descends the stairs, soon joining Almond at the table. Almond warmly greets this pony. “Cinnamon, how are you doing today?” Cinnamon responds in a Trottingham accent: “I’m doing well, Almond, thank you for asking.” He then turns to the competitors: “Ladies, I must echo the thoughts of Mr. Brownie here when I say that it is an absolute honor to be here today.” Almond addresses the foursome: “Chefs, allow me to introduce you to your guest judge for tonight, Mr. Cinnamon MaJumbo. If you are unfamiliar with his work, know that he is a renowned food critic and author, and also that his polo game needs work.” Cinnamon turns to Almond. “And what would you know about any game beyond ‘pin the tail on the pony’?” Almond chuckles with Cinnamon before continuing: “Now Cinnamon here has been upstairs in a soundproof chamber. He knows nothing about whatever hardships you may have gone through, and quite frankly, he doesn’t care. He only cares about three things; tell ‘em the three things, polo-pony!” “Does it look good? Does it taste good? Does it remind me of an apple salad?” “Let’s find out. We’ll start with the filly on the right.” Almond and Cinnamon walk over to Fluttershy’s station. “So Fluttershy, please explain your dish.” “Well, I have a salad with lettuce, apples, and a bit of syrup for extra flavor.” Fluttershy strains to avoid eye contact with Cinnamon while explaining, as the judge tastes her dish. “Chef, this really is a bare-bones salad, and I must admit that your idea for a dressing is avant-garde to say the least. That said, I do like the sweetness you brought to this dish. I just wish there was more to it.” “Thank you Cinnamon.” Almond and Cinnamon move on to Applejack’s dish. “Applejack, you’re up.” “Cinnamon, I prepared for you a traditional apple salad, with romaine lettuce, three types of apples, tomatoes, carrots, and croutons.” Cinnamon inspects Applejack’s salad before tasting. “You seem to have had some difficulty slicing the apples. They look more like apple confetti.” He then samples her food. “What you lack in presentation, you more than make up for in taste. I love the mix of apples and vegetables, and I like the added texture that the croutons provide. Overall, a solid job.” “Thank you very much.” Applejack turns to Rarity and smiles. Rarity gulps silently as the twosome move on to her dish. “Rarity, please describe your creation.” “Yes, well here I have created for you a festive apple salad with iceberg lettuce, pecans, walnuts, goat cheese shavings, a little buttercream for extra sweetness, and a vinaigrette dressing.” Applejack fights to not burst out laughing, as Cinnamon tries the salad. “I must admit, I’ve never seen buttercream in a salad before. Having said that, there’s a lot going on here, with a lot of different flavors; most of them work, but some don’t. Not sure I would have gone with both pecans and walnuts. The biggest quibble I have is, I’m not getting enough actual apple flavor in this.” “Thank you,” Rarity says sadly. She turns back to Applejack and death-glares her, while Almond and Cinnamon move on to Pinkie’s dish. “Pinkie Pie, it’s your turn. Please describe your dish.” “Well it’s a round, flat dish, made of fine china, and with food on it.” Almond reiterates his request: “I mean, please describe your salad.” “OH! Well, I made for you an apple salad with two types of lettuce, tomatoes, artichokes, parmesan cheese, and whipped cream.” Twilight turns to Rainbow. “Pinkie Pie used whipped cream on her salad?” “Are you really surprised by that?” Twilight sighs. “I guess not.” Cinnamon tastes Pinkie’s salad. “You do like to have fun with your food, I can see that. I do like the pairing of tomatoes and artichokes, and I’m fine with your use of cheese. I don’t think whipped cream is particularly appropriate here, and I must say again, I’m not really getting enough apple flavor out of this dish.” “Okie-dokey.” Almond and Cinnamon walk back towards their table. “OK Cinnamon, you’ve had a chance to taste these fillies’ apple salads. Sadly, for one of these ponies, their ‘salad days’ must come to an end.” Cinnamon faces the foursome. “Chefs, those were some of the strangest salads I’ve ever had the fortune to taste. I really like a lot of what I’ve tried, but I do have to eliminate one of you, and that one is going to be …” … “… Fluttershy.” The pegasus bows her head in acceptance, as Cinnamon continues. “Chef, I really did like the flavor of your dish, but I thought it was just too simple. Even something like a cherry on top could have swung my decision.” “I’m sorry Fluttershy, but that means I have to take back all your bits.” Almond levitates Fluttershy’s stack of twenty-five thousand bits back to his briefcase. “You can join your friends on the sidelines and watch the rest of the competition. Thank you for playing.” “Thank you both.” Fluttershy walks over to Twilight and Rainbow and takes a seat next to the latter. “Well that was interesting.” “Fluttershy, I must apologize to you for getting you into this mess.” “Apologize? Oh, no Twilight, this was actually a lot of fun.” “… You’re kidding, right?” “Not at all. I was given an opportunity to step out of my comfort zone and face a challenge head-on. I’ll have these memories for a long time, thanks to you. And to you, Princess Celestia.” “Would you like some popcorn?” “Yes, thank you.” Twilight hoofpalms as the others continue to chow down on snacks and watch the next round unfold. Author's Note Of all the regular judges on CTK, my favorite is Simon Majumdar; the character Cinnamon is my take on him.
Round 2“OK, after one round of play, I see that Pinkie Pie still has all of her initial stack of twenty-five thousand bits, Rarity has twenty thousand bits, and Applejack has sixteen thousand five hundred bits. Now that Cinnamon is back upstairs, we can proceed to Round Two. For this round, you will have 30 minutes to create … pizza.” “Yum! Who doesn’t love pizza? The cheese, the sauce, the crust … it’s perfection!” “Well I see Pinkie is enthusiastic about this round. Now let’s see how fast you can shop for supplies. You have 60 seconds, and your time begins NOW!” This time around, nopony is caught off-guard; all three scramble to the pantry, grabbing all sorts of cheeses, sauces, and dough-making ingredients. “I don’t understand,” Fluttershy remarks, “how is pizza considered hi-class cuisine?” “How is preparing food in a turbine considered cuisine?” “Rainbow’s right, Fluttershy. This really isn’t about creating top-of-the-line food. This is about survival.” “I don’t know,” Celestia comments, “Applejack’s salad did look rather fancy. Perhaps we should include her recipe for the next Gala.” “Got enough turbines for the chefs?” Rainbow Dash and Celestia share a laugh, as the remaining competitors grab the last of their ingredients. “… 5 … 4 … … 3-2-1” Almond recites upon noticing that all three had already exited the pantry. “Oh no!” Pinkie exclaims as she expresses great concern and agitation. “Pinkie Pie, whatever is the matter?” “Oh Rarity, it’s awful … I forgot to grab eggs!” “There’s no sabotage like a self-sabotage, eh Pinkie? Well, let’s see if you can’t even the odds a bit, shall we?” Almond walks over to the dumbwaiter and knocks; it reveals a length of rope. “Now most pizzas, of course, are round. For two of you, the notion of getting ‘around’ is about to be more meaningful. Bobs!” Two assistants walk out towards the front of the table in a circular manner, as if they were dancing. The left-front hoof of each is tied to the left-rear hoof of the other. “Win this auction, and you can force both of your opponents to spend the entire challenge bound to each other as illustrated by my assistants. Obviously, you’ll have to get used to walking around the kitchen in circles.” “Sorry girls, but Pinkie likes to work alone. Five hundred bits!” “Eight hundred!” “One thousand! All three ponies actively participate in the auction, as the bidding climbs above six-, eight-, even ten-thousand. Finally, two ponies go silent in dreadful anticipation. “I got a bid of eleven-thousand five-hundred going once, going twice, SOLD to Pinkie Pie!” “Looks like AJ and Rarity are gonna have to work together on this one,” Twilight comments to Rainbow.” “I’m sure the Power of Friendship will carry them through …” Rainbow Dash suddenly bursts out laughing. “Sorry, *chuckle*, couldn’t say that with a straight face.” After Almond levitates the requisite amount of bits from Pinkie’s stash, he walks back over to the dumbwaiter and knocks; it opens to reveal a cream pie. “I’m sure you’re all familiar with the term ‘pizza pie’; well, this sabotage will certainly make one chef tire of that expression. Bring it in, Bobs!” A pair of assistants wheel in a humungous cream pie, as large as the pony bowl from the previous round. Pinkie starts salivating. “Win this auction, and you can force one chef to forfeit her entire basket, and find new ingredients hidden within this cream pie.” Rarity turns to Applejack. “We can’t get hit with this one, it would set us both back.” “Agreed. Two thousand bits!” “Five thousand!” “Seventy-five hundred!” Pinkie and Applejack see-saw their bids, until … “Twelve thousand bits going once, going twice, and SOLD to Applejack. Who gets the pie?” “Let’s have Pinkie Pie get this pie.” “Oh cool, I was trying to give it to myself anyway. Makes up for forgetting the eggs.” “SAY WHAT???” Applejack is shocked to hear Pinkie admit this; she then mutters at the amount of bits she spent in the process. Almond removes almost three-quarters of Applejack’s stack of bits and returns said coins to his briefcase. “I must say, I’ve had quite enough of that dastardly dumbwaiter!” Rarity admits. “Well if it makes you feel better,” Almond reassures, “you have my word that you will not see anything else come out of that dumbwaiter tonight.” An assistant ties Rarity’s left-front hoof to Applejack’s left-rear hoof, and vice versa. Once they are firmly tied together, Almond continues. “OK, the challenge is pizza: you have 30 minutes, starting NOW!” Applejack and Rarity start spinning around counter-clockwise, as Pinkie dives into the large cream pie, eating her way through to the ingredients. “Rarity, we need to coordinate on this. One of us should work on getting the pizza created and put in the oven while the other waits, and then we switch.” “Agreed. You want to go first?” “Sure thing!” Applejacks starts combining ingredients to form her dough. With one flail from her left-front hoof, Rarity loses her balance and crashes head-first onto the ground; Applejack is pulled down with her. “Applejack, please be more careful.” “My bad, Rarity.” The two ponies struggle to get back on their hooves, but soon Applejack is back to mixing while Rarity waits patiently. Pinkie, to her credit, tosses out numerous bags of ingredients as she comes across them while eating through the pie. Within five minutes, only scant remains of cream can be found in the oversized pie tin. She begins to take inventory. “Let’s see: tomatoes, ricotta cheese, flour, yeast, oil … where’re the … uh oh!” Almond walks over to Pinkie. “Did you find the eggs?” “Yeah … I think I ate them in the process of going through the pie.” “Pinkie, those eggs were wrapped in a plastic bag. They were raw!” “I was hungry!” Almond shrugs and leaves Pinkie to figure out a plan of attack. Soon, she’s combining ingredients and working on her dough. Meanwhile, Applejack is adding fresh-sliced cherry tomatoes to the top of her pizza. As she grabs for shredded cheese, Rarity loses her balance again, causing Applejack to slip and instinctively fling her cheese across the kitchen while she tries to maintain her balance. “Aw, horsefeathers! Guess this is gonna be a cheeseless pizza now.” Applejack starts adding assorted toppings to her pizza as the audience observes. “How do you think Applejack is going to explain the lack of cheese to Cinnamon,” Fluttershy asks. “It would help if she were better at lying,” Rainbow answers. “As in, ever.” “Applejack is a resourceful pony,” Twilight assures her friends. “I’m sure she’ll think of something. As the three converse, Applejack carefully walks over to an oven with her pizza, circling her partner the whole way. She gets her pizza in the oven as Almond states, “Ponies, you got 15 minutes remaining!” “Done. OK Rarity, your turn.” Rarity walks over to her station, also circling around as she moves, and begins her preparations. Just then … “Chefs!” Rarity and Pinkie look up from their work, while Applejack strains her neck to look before her. They see Almond wearing what appears to be a large turtle shell. “Whenever I think of pizza, I think of turtles. Win this auction, and you can force one opponent to wear this heavy turtle shell for the rest of the challenge!” Rarity protests: “What do turtles have anything to do with pizza?” “Maybe they’re teenage turtles,” Pinkie posits, “teenagers love pizza! Or maybe they’re mutants, with strange appetites.” “Oh of course. While you’re at it, maybe they’re ninja warriors as well!” “Now who’s being silly, Rarity! Oh yeah: two thousand bits!” “Oh no you don’t, Pinkie Pie! three thousand!” “FIVE thousand!” “EIGHT!” The bidding goes back and forth, escalating far beyond the ten-thousand bid level. Finally … “SOLD for an astounding fifteen-thousand, five hundred bits to Rarity!” “Give it to Pinkie, Almond!” An assistant helps Pinkie put on the large turtle shell; she strains to continue her work under the heavy costume. “Have you ever fed pizza to Tank?” Twilight asks. “He’s a tortoise,” Rainbow responds, “but no.” Rarity reaches for a can of tomato sauce, but in doing so causes Applejack to lose her balance; she ends up swiping at the can instead, causing it to spill onto the floor. “Oh, for the love of … I suppose this is a white pizza, now.” “Time for Rarity to be resourceful now,” Rainbow mentions to Twilight. “So we got one pizza without any sauce, one pizza without any cheese, and one pizza with a dough with no eggs. I’m glad I’m not the judge for this round.” “I think I’m glad I’m on the sidelines for this one,” Fluttershy adds. Rarity gets her pizza in the oven, and Applejack then proceeds to take hers out; all the while, they move around each other. “It’s like a waltz,” Celestia observes. Twilight turns behind her. “Princess Celestia: with all due respect, please tell me you’re not getting more ideas for the next Gala!” Pinkie finally gets her pizza in the oven, setting the temperature to an above-average level to speed up the process. She hears Almond state that there are only five minutes remaining in the round, and starts to bounce in nervous apprehension. “C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, cook faster!” Minutes later, Rarity gets her pizza out of the oven. Almond notes that she and Applejack are done, and has his assistants mercifully unbind them from each other. Finally, with twenty seconds to go, Pinkie gets her pizza out of the oven and proceeds to add finishing touches as Almond counts down. “5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … and STOP!” A pair of assistants help Pinkie out of her turtle shell, while another assistant hands her a towel to wipe away the sweat. Soon, all three chefs are at their stations, with their pizzas in front of them. Cinnamon once again descends the stairwell and joins Almond. “So Cinnamon, how do you feel about pizza?” “Who doesn’t like pizza? It’s one of the most ubiquitous foods in existence.” “Well, let’s see how you feel about these three. Let’s take a walk, shall we?” The first pizza Cinnamon samples is from Applejack. “I made for you a dairy-free garden pizza, with fresh tomatoes, green and black olives, and basil.” “When I think of pizza, I think of that gooey cheese on the top. I do miss that, but I acknowledge that there are those who cannot enjoy such a version. The crust is made very well, and I do like the fresh tomatoes as a change of pace.” “Thank you, Cinnamon.” Almond beckons his companion over to Rarity’s station. “I created a white pizza, with four types of cheese, onions, and various spices.” Cinnamon takes a bite before commenting. “This really is dry; it barely qualifies as a pizza without the sauce, but I do like the mixture of cheeses you used. The crust is solid, and I’m OK with using onions, but again, you really need some sort of sauce here.” “Understood, sir.” The last pizza belongs to Pinkie: “I created a traditional pizza, with tomato sauce and a thick layer of ricotta cheese.” Cinnamon attempts to pick up a slice, but the integrity of the slice gives way, creating a mess on the plate. “It looks like you had trouble with your crust. It’s missing a binding agent, and that’s causing the pizza to become a red-and-yellow stain on the plate.” He licks at the resulting porridge before continuing: “That’s a shame, because everything else is what I would expect from a traditional pizza. You just had problems with the execution, I’m afraid.” “Yes, chef,” Pinkie acknowledges dejectedly. Almond and Cinnamon return to the table. “So you know how this works, Cinnamon; I got three ponies here but only two spots for the final round. Which pony is getting sliced out of the competition?” Cinnamon addresses the threesome: “Well you all seemed to have an issue with one major factor of the pizza, but you all had good flavors. I have to eliminate one of you, and that one is …” … “… Pinkie Pie.” “Oh, nutter-butters.” “Chef, I just couldn’t overlook the issues you had with your crust.” “Sorry Pinkie, but that means I have to take back the rest of your bits.” Almond levitates the remaining amount of Pinkie’s bankroll back into his briefcase, as Pinkie joins her friends on the sidelines. “You were wonderful out there, Pinkie Pie,” Celestia soothingly assures Pinkie.” “Yeah, I mean with everything you had to go through? That was totally awesome!” “Thanks everypony. It’s just a shame I didn’t make it to the dessert round.” “How do you know the final round is dessert?” Fluttershy asks. “Just a hunch. We had an appetizer round, then a main course round; it makes sense that the final round would be for dessert. Owie!” “Pinkie Pie, are you OK?” “Yeah, Twilight. I think that turtle shell may have been a bit more than I was prepared for.” “Pinkie Pie,” Celestia offers, “If you head upstairs, the castle has certified massage therapists that can help get the kinks out of your back and body. They’re very good, and very efficient.” “Well, I don’t want to miss the final round.” “Almond,” Celestia asks, “could we have a break before the final round so that Pinkie Pie can get some massage therapy?” “I don’t see why not. How do you two feel about it?” Rarity and Applejack gladly accept getting a break after the previous round. “Thank you all.” Celestia turns to Pinkie. “A quick series of two or three massage periods should set you right. Shouldn’t be more than twenty minutes, total.” “That’s great!” Pinkie begins pronking towards the stairwell, but another crick causes another ‘owie’, and she resorts to walking up the stairs. She turns to the others before heading up. “Thanks for waiting, everypony. I’ll be right back after these massages!”
Round 3“And then there were two. Applejack and Rarity each still has four-thousand five-hundred bits, so this should be an interesting round. For the final round, I would like from each of you … a baked tart.” “What kind of tart did you have in mind?” “Any type you can think of, Applejack, so long as it’s a tart and it’s baked. Once you’re done with the shopping, you can proceed directly to creating your dessert. As before, you’ll have 30 minutes to create your dish; also as before, you have 60 seconds to shop for your dish, and that time starts NOW!” Rarity and Applejack bolt for the pantry, each grabbing various fruits and other ingredients. “Looks like this round is a pure test of cooking,” Twilight observes. She hears Princess Celestia chuckle from behind, rolls her eyes, and shakes her head in anticipation. “You have 30 seconds left to shop …” but shortly thereafter, the two remaining participants rush out of the pantry and begin work on their tarts. “No matter who wins, we’re talking forty-five hundred bits,” Rainbow observes. “I’ve never seen so much money before. Twilight disagrees: “I get a feeling you may not see it now, Rainbow. Look!” “Hey chefs!” Rarity and Applejack look up from their work, only to see Almond’s head and hooves sticking out of holes in a painted wall; the artwork is of a ‘queen of hearts’ playing card. “This can’t be good,” Applejack deadpans. “You can’t spell ‘tart’ without ‘art’; win this auction, and you can force your opponent to prepare her entire dish while sticking her head and hooves through this piece of artistic work.” “One thousand bits,” Rarity bids. “No way, little miss fashionista: twelve-hundred!” “Fifteen!” “Two thousand!” “Three thousand!” … Back and forth the bidding goes, until … “I got forty-three hundred from Rarity going once, forty-three hundred going twice, and SOLD! Bobs, if you could kindly move this artwork towards the earth pony.” Applejack grumbles as she sticks her head and appendages through the holes in the artwork. “How am I supposed to get anythin’ done like this?” “You’ll just have to make it work, AJ. And I must say, it’s very stimulating to view fine art while one is cooking.” Rarity chuckles as she continues creating her dessert. Twilight turns to her friends. “No offense to Rarity, but I hope that Applejack finds a way to win now. Think of how much good can be done with over four thousand bits.” “Yo, chefs!” Almond indicates four tar-covered horseshoes on the table. “You can’t spell ‘tart’ without ‘tar’, either. Win this auction, and you can force your opponent to wear these tar-lined shoes for the remainder of the challenge. That might slow somepony up.” “Well, I’m still pulling for Applejack. She only needs to bid two hundred bits to guarantee that—” “FORTY-FOUR HUNDRED BITS!” Twilight double-hoofpalms in utter frustration. Rainbow offers insight: “Adrenaline isn’t something you can just turn on and off. In the heat of the moment, ponies can do strange things. Strange, and maaaaybe costly things.” “I guess all that’s left now is bragging rights,” Fluttershy comments as a pair of assistants affix the tar shoes to Rarity’s hooves. “Yep. Whose tart will prevail? The one made by a pony working through a wall, or the one walking from station to station in super-slow-motion? Hey, you ponies finished all the popcorn!” “Sorry Pinkie; all gone.” “Awww.” Applejack continues to navigate the small holes in the wall as she attempt to complete her dessert, while Rarity struggles to move from her prep station to the oven area. “I can barely move in these things!” “Guess you’ll just have to figure out a solution and make it ‘stick’.” Applejack turns back to her tart, which looks unbalanced and sloppy but is ready to be baked. She pulls her head and hooves out of the artwork, grabs her dish, walks over to the oven and pops it in for a few minutes; Rarity continues to struggle making it over to that area. “You’ve got 10 minutes left in this challenge!” A few minutes after Almond’s warning, Applejack pulls her tart out of the oven and brings it back to her prep station for finishing touches. With five minutes remaining, Rarity finally makes it to the ovens. She sets the temperature to a higher level to speed the process up, but proceeds to char her tart. She pulls it out of the oven and, with superpony effort, trudges her way back to her prep station. Both Rarity and Applejack work to finish their dishes. “5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … and STOP!” Both ponies collapse to the ground in exhaustion, as assistants come to undo Rarity’s tar shoes and cart away the artwall. After a spell, both Rarity and Applejack get back on their hooves and present themselves in front of their dishes. Cinnamon MaJumbo descends the stairwell for one last round of judging. “So Cinnamon, how do you feel about baked tarts?” “I’ve always been partial to fruit-based desserts, and I very much look forward to seeing what these two have come up with.” The two walk over to Applejack’s dish, which she explains as Cinnamon takes a bite. “I made for you a mixed berry tart, with strawberries, blueberries, and raspberries, all infused with a lemon custard.” “Visually, it’s not particularly put together well. It looks like the fruit was just flung all over the place. The crust itself is also asymmetric in nature. However, the flavors are all there, you got just the right amount of sugar and custard, and it tastes really good. Thank you, Applejack.” Cinnamon next inspects and then samples Rarity’s dessert. “I prepared for you a blackberry and mint tart, with a banana custard.” “I see a little char on the bottom of this tart; it looks like you’ve burned it a bit. That’s unfortunate, because otherwise, this tart is visually superb. The flavors work well together, I do like the banana custard, but the consistency’s been compromised due to the uneven cook. That said, this was a solid effort, Rarity.” “OK Cinnamon, the moment of truth has arrived. Which pony’s gonna leave here with some bits, and which pony’s gonna just … leave?” Cinnamon addresses the twosome: “This was a really difficult decision, because both of you had great aspects of your dish, and both of you had technical issues. I do have to select a winner, and the winning pony is …” … “… Applejack.” “YEEE-HAAA!!!” Applejack celebrates her victory, while Cinnamon consoles Rarity. “It was really close, but in the end, the slight burn on your tart was the difference. But again, great job!” “Thank you, Cinnamon. And thank you, Almond, for a most invigorating adventure in cooking.” Pinkie and Fluttershy both come out to thank Cinnamon and Almond for their experiences. The latter two bow to Princess Celestia, who reciprocates in kind. “Thank you again for traveling to Canterlot and exhibiting this most unique cooking experience. And thank you, my loyal subjects, for participating in this affair.” “We should do it again sometime!” “Well, maybe not for a while Pinkie Pie,” Almond replies, “but I assure you that the events of this evening will be written up for posterity. I’ll make sure that all of your get your own autographed copy of ‘Cutthroat Kitchen’; I’ll even put a Jolly Roger on the cover of your copy.” Pinkie beams. Almond, meanwhile, walks over to Twilight and Rainbow. “So what did you two think?” “I gotta say,” Twilight starts, “for a cooking competition, this was—“ “TOTALLY AND ABSOLUTELY THE MOST AWESOME COOKING SHOW I’VE EVER SEEN!!!” Rainbow interrupts. Almond blushes. “You flatter me, Rainbow Dash. Just how many cooking shows have you ever seen?” “Including this one? Then I guess, uh … one. But it was still awesome!” “Well thank you again for your enthusiasm. The next time I’m in town, I’ll be sure you and all your friends get tickets to my show.” “Wow … I never thought I’d look forward to a traveling cooking show. You’ve sold me, Almond.” Rainbow walks over to her friends and Cinnamon, leaving Almond a free moment with Twilight.
Final Thoughts / Epilogue“You have some incredible friends, Princess Twilight. You are very fortunate.” “I know. Not a day goes by that I don’t count my blessings for knowing them.” Almond, for the first time since he made his entrance, shows a serious side. “During the competition, I couldn’t help but notice that you looked disturbed at what was going on. I have heard much from Princess Celestia about you, and I’ve heard that you’re a big fan of mine. I value your opinion greatly, and I would like you to be honest. What did you really think about this competition?” Twilight rolls her eyes backwards, trying to think of the right words, then resumes eye contact. “I know from your writing that you have an incredible wit and humorous nature to match your culinary expertise. I just thought that a cooking competition should showcase more of the true skill that chefs across Equestria have. My friends went through all sorts of ordeals; they never really had the chance to shine.” “I understand perfectly, Twilight. And the fact of the matter is, I have the utmost respect for cooking in general, and especially for great cooking talent. I’ve been to numerous cooking displays and competitions, presented in the vein that you envision. They’re exceptional, they’re top-notch … but for me personally, they’re also a bit boring. I think some of the greatest cooks in all of Equestria take their profession too seriously, as if the fate of the world rode on whether or not they could create a perfect risotto or vegan chili.” “I’ll admit this: I never thought I’d see someone like Rainbow Dash be interested in a cooking competition.” “And with that new-found interest, she might want to learn more about the subject. And she might spread the word to others who would not normally be interested. Bringing the joy of cooking to the masses; that’s what I’m truly interested in. And if it takes a couple silly devices for that to happen, I’m all for it.” “I can certainly see that. I just wish you could have seen my friends at their best.” “Well, I believe we have a sharp disagreement here. To me, I saw the very best that your friends had to offer … and I’m thoroughly impressed with their poise and determination. In fact, I think a competition like this really does showcase the best that chefs have.” “I don’t quite follow.” “When do we see the best in civilization as a whole? To me, it’s when things are at their darkest. When all hope appears lost. That’s when the great ones really come through, in all aspects of life. Now I’ll grant that there is no true importance in something as trivial as a cooking competition, certainly not when compared to the trials that you and your friends have been through. But I’ll bet that your best moments came during those darkest times. I’ll bet you look back on those times with reverence, as opposed to fear, as you now know you are capable of far more than you ever thought before.” “You certainly make a strong case, Almond Brownie. And it was one of the more entertaining spectacles I’ve ever been a part of. I look forward to seeing you the next time you’re in the area.” “That’s wonderful. I’m very glad to hear that from you. And, I very much appreciate your honesty.” “So, do you think you’ll have another one of these events any time soon?” “I certainly expect to. Now then, I believe Princess Celestia set up a tidy little after-event soiree in the main ballroom. So far as I know, there will be no tying of hooves together for the festivities.” * * * * Conversation runs rampant on the morning train back to Ponyville … “Honestly, Twilight, I don’t know what came over me. Just got caught up in the moment, I guess. Too bad, though; a little more rational thought, and I would’ve walked away with over four thousand bits.” “It wouldn’t have even come to that if I didn’t bid so much for that artwork sabotage. But, as you said, there’s something about the thrill of the moment, I guess.” “Aw, you two fret too much over things like bits,” Pinkie decrees to both Applejack and Rarity. “This was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I had a blast! I think we all had a blast! That’s worth more than any ‘bits’ could pay for, right?” “It was a unique experience,” Fluttershy admits, “but I look forward to watching the next contest entirely from the sidelines.” Twilight adds, “I’m looking forward to receiving Almond’s book, once it’s ready. It’ll be weird to read about our exploits in print.” “It’s just a shame that so few ponies got to watch this.” “Sorry Pinkie, but I can sleep a little better knowing that thousands of ponies from across Equestria won’t have the opportunity to watch me stumble around, tied to Applejack and doing minuet dances across a kitchen floor.” “Well, I’d still love another ride in that mixing bowl.” “Next time Ponyville hosts the water-generating for Cloudsdale, I’ll be sure to throw you into the hurricane.” Rainbow’s crack generates laughs from all ponies, followed by sighs of relaxation. “So Applejack; I know it isn’t much, but got any ideas for how you’re gonna spend that hundred bits?” “Indeed I do, Twilight: I’m takin’ the six of us out to the Truffle Tavern for dinner. Complementary apple salads are on me!” Author's Note I thank you for reading this crossover Fic, and would appreciate any comments or constructive criticism that those who wish would like to offer.
